I See Sanctuary
When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.
Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.
I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.
45 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary”
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Prefect! Maybe though it is us that starts to see the creature? When the rages, horrible behavior, creeps out, and we start to recognize IT, that’s when we are no longer sanctuary? We start to make you see the creature through your abuse of us.
isn’t that “contrast” HG refers to? (needing new)
Hi c ☆…yes contrast and fresh new fuel. Strawberry flavor no matter how good it tastes grows old and they need a new flavor. A challenge too but once the challenge is won they grow bored and look for another. Never content and i think thats why they resent when were content.
Never content and i think thats why they resent when were content.
That explains why he turned on me. I thought “this is so wonderful. He will never leave me because we have the most amazing sex life” I assumed too much.
Hi robin…i noticed this of my narc when things get too comfy he rocks the boat in some way it can even be thru shelving.
I dont think my narc would ever discard me but theres other ways to discard aside from physically leaving the person.
” the promise of salvation”….this imo is the very reason narcissists and codependants struggle to have healthy relationships bc that salvation has to come from within. To form a healthy strong unit you need two whole people who can function ok on their own and arent looking for something or someone to complete them. They want a relatiinship to add to their life not make their life. That salvation has to come from within not from someone else. Now its easy to understand that but going out there and doing the work on yourself to be whole is the hard work!
So you need someone stable yet unpredictable.
There is no perfection with a narcissist. They constantly need “new”. You can try and find out exactly what they need but then they need something else. This is why so many narc pleasers end up sucked dry trying to be that “perfect” one …they dont exist.
HG,
Are you not cognizant of the fact that our repeated failures, which put your kind in the unenviable position of being disappointed once again, ultimately lead to one inescapable conclusion: that you are bound to repeat this pattern ad infinitum?
If so, is there an awareness of this cycle and its apparent futility? That is to say, are you in fact cognizant of the likelihood that each and every primary relationship will end ignominiously – a heap of wreckage to be abandoned after your last hit and run?
So, taking this premise to its logical conclusion, you will presumably expire while still in search of the highly coveted pure and plentiful source of fuel. Having said that, doormats abound and the likelihood that you ultimately secure one on a semi-permanent to permanent basis might actually be quite high, so there is that variable which must be taken into consideration. Never underestimate an insecure individual’s capacity to absorb abuse like a human sponge, I say. Anyway, I digress.
Assuming you are unable to secure this almost mythical fuel center, it must become increasingly apparent that your relative youth and physical attraction will eventually be significantly downgraded if not neutered entirely. The reason I cite youth (and beauty) alone while downplaying experience, wisdom and a lifetime of perfecting your dark art is because I would assert that physical attraction factors larger in the narcissist’s game (it certainly did where mine was concerned although she ultimately ensnared me with a combination of intense sex and emotion). I have read several pieces on the aging narcissist but at no point did I ever gain insight into how the narcissist responds to the inevitability of it all. Also, on a side note, do narcissists covet beauty in the same way we do? Would a narcissist feel deprived of the beauty they once possessed when, say, downgrading to an older, less attractive model?
Thanks!
‘A large piece of this has to do with the fact they aren’t themselves when they enter the relationship’
that’s it. the relationship isn’t real until the devaluation where you also get to see all their issues and insecurities, if and when you stop crying.
the desensitivity issue is biological but it’s also impossible to enjoy others if you hate yourself. the thrill of conquest (dominance, escape) vs the fear of intimacy (real self).
But as you commented in another article, if we continue prividing you w potent fuel in quality, quantity, and frequency, it would still become stale. So we’re damned if we do, we’re damned if we don’t.
Correct.
So much for searching for “the one” eh? lol
Is it not simply the case that it is you that wants the fuel to become stale and that is the main and only reason it becomes stale???? I am at the stage where I can’t believe anything is happening without you having engineered it in some shape or form.
No.
Is it like a fuel “fix” or addiction that once you have had a shot of it, after a while, you kind of get immune to it and need something else? Maybe it would make sense for me to read the article before I start asking questions!!!!I Although I am not sure which article Jenna is referring to.
This is from the narcs perspective, it’s not meant to be understood. Part of the reason why it feels so real from their perspective you and the one…until you are not.
Contentment brings the voices out.
Your best text ever!!!
Thank you.
what beautiful…but it is the truh? or just manipulation again?
Its the only answer to understand why N its like evil….i cant imaging feel this …only love can clean this..but love to himself
I don’t understand what is meant by ” you let me down”
Does e.g. preferring my food less salty than you do and therefore cause plate smashing count as a ” let down”?
Or not enjoying watching a gory movie and therefore receiving the Silent Treatment count, too?
This seems to me more like the unconditional love and affirmation a young child needs to find in the eyes of its mother.
Rather than what an adult wanting to secure a future together with their partner would look for.
You let me down by not being that which you promised to be (in our eyes) at the outset of the relationship and therefore the plate smashing and silent treatments were the manifestation of the response to being let down. The issue about the saltiness and the gory movie were regarded as criticisms because you became painted black. Once upon a time, when you were regarded as “white” the saltiness of the food did not matter, but then it became a major issue once you were painted “black”.
I see.
In my case the phrase was ” you’re pushing me away” I suppose I was being perceived as one of the Slithy Toves. I would have done anything to take away his pain. Its the perfect storm, the thing that ameliorates the pain was also the thing that causes it.
Well as a Slithy Tove you would have been useful for opening the wine bottles!
I had to look up “Slithy Toves”. . . funny comeback!
Isn’t this the same thing that happens in normal and healthy relationships though too? That which seemed endearing and cute during the “honeymoon” phase becomes annoying later on?
For example, my happily married cousin and her husband of 12 years. They do everything together, start each day with a hug and a kiss, but the minute she turns on, say, Project Runway or Breaking Amish he runs to another room because he loathes reality TV and can no longer indulge her guilty pleasure shows. What was once tolerable so he could stay in her space, now they joke it’s when they get their solo time. But I would not say it is to the extreme of painting each other black.
If you live with someone, you will have days you get on each other’s nerves. Does that have to turn into the big, fatal descent into letting you down?
No, it is entirely different.
If your girlfriend leaves the room because of a show you are watching is that an insult?
Depends when it happens.
I let him down because he gave nothing back.
I got tired of getting nothing.
They always let me down. A large piece of this has to do with the fact they aren’t themselves when they enter the relationship. In addition to that….
They put no effort in and ultimately become complacent.
So…I let them down.
DR. how would you define complacent in a relationship?
Brian,
Doing just enough to keep the relationship going. It’s like being too comfortable ….getting damn lazy… cause u have the person
Dr. Its a very subjective thing. I know of a married couple who see each other for a few minutes a day because they are both complacent and are fine with it.
Whereas I think a relationship with a narcissist is different because they are usually doing the passive aggressive stuff, rubbing it into their partner’s face that they are being involved with others and not their partner.
Brian,
Everyone has different needs. Some people are ok with complacency. I am not okay with someone being complacent.
For me personally, comfortable is amazing – complacent infuriates me. It’s okay to not always look your best to like be sloppy at times but I think it’s important to make the person you are with feel special and go that extra mile for them. I don’t believe someone needs to exhaust themselves trying extra hard allllll the time but shit lol… come on now…lol!!
I could never survive a relationship where someone thought they could give me a few minutes of their time and be on my way. I require much more. I deliver and I expect them to as well. I’m not an unreasonable person.
I recognize that things aren’t as intense later on in the relationship but it sure as sht doesn’t mean you should be complacent lmao! That’s just my perspective though.
Brian,
Complacency is unacceptable to me. It makes me feel unappreciated and taken for granted.
This is purely my perspective – which comes from my experience.
Regarding the leaving the room while a tv show is on …
I have to say I agree with HG on this one…
It depends…
Quite honestly it may piss me off depending on the circumstance
And I’m Not even a narcissist lol
It is the damaged Inner child peering through the eyes of an emotionally under developed adult. That is the issue with most narcissist. Fearful children trapped in the caged hearts of adults.
When I read this article it seems to me that the sanctuary is also your abyss – I believe that in your mind, they are one and the same – yet they are opposites to us. We do not violate the paradise, you do. You desecrate and sabotage the sanctuary as you are afraid of it, we are not. As much as you are afraid of it (for whatever reason)…..you still desperately crave it……so you move on to another sanctuary and repeat the ritual hoping it will be different. I believe the sanctuary will always become your abyss. The sanctuary will only ever remain intact if you allow that to be the case, as the common denominator in all of this is you. That is what I see when I read this article as a stand alone article…….I could be totally wrong and maybe I should not comment when I have not yet read your books or all of this blog……but that will take time….
An interesting perspective, thank you Diva.
I guess that’s a step up from peculiar……although I think you got it right the first time!!!
Projected self-idealisation (the split between defenses and the real self of shame), isn’t really self-love or sharing yourself with someone, it’s just gettig rewarded for a trained social performance. Under the surface, narcs are bitter and insecure, it’s awful.
Love this, I think it sums up my situation perfectly. Honestly I wish that kids weren’t at stake and I could’ve done it forever.
For you, it is a never ending journey.