Just The One Time
Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.
Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always
“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for work because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you. Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)
You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.
What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.
40 thoughts on “Just The One Time”
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HG Tudor, how long last your longest relationship with a Primary source?
Hello FMYS, just over 4 years.
SO.DAMN.TRUE.
It is all still very raw for me. I miss my narc so much. I was an IPSS, and I told him at the beginning of the month that I wasn’t going to sit around and let him treat me so poorly anymore. I was fed up with the hot and cold, silent treatments, and promises to talk that had been strung along for weeks. But I truly miss him. I know he’s keeping tabs on me through social media, which makes it even harder. I almost texted him last night, but didn’t hit the send button. This is so hard.
They don’t miss us, only the fuel.
Theu don’t care how we are feeling.
My ex narcs never texted me or called me anyway lmao…..
No I won’t call.
Hi Ank…..no I haven’t called mine either or looked at his facebook page…..not once in 6 months……I was contemplating it but then I thankfully stumbled here…….and it stopped me dead in my tracks……I rarely think about him anymore and if I do…..its fleeting. Diva
Hi Diva,
Glad you are at the stage where you think of him only fleetingly.
It’s all still a bit raw for me but I’m happy to say that whereas a month or so ago I would get anxious not hearing from him and would text to elicit a response despite my resolve to stay NC, have been able to stay NC and stayed strong enough to not give in to making that move to text or call.
He set up a Facebook account only in April this year. But he did not send me a friend request and I didn’t want him as a Facebook friend either. He has only just changed his privacy settings so I can’t see anything now. Which is good – can’t obsess. Not that he posted anything. He is way too clever, doesn’t want to be exposed or called out.
However I am still thinking about him every day…. Mainly thinking I wish everyone could see what he is and that the current DE IPPS finds out he’s screwing other women besides her.
Hi Ank There was a time that I thought about mine every minute of every day…….I never thought it would ever go away…….it has to be an addiction as it makes no other logical sense…..although logic is not my strong point…..so I have been told numerous times!!!! This has happened to me twice before. I find the only way to get over an addiction is to find another one!!!! A healthier one!!!!! My new addiction is this blog and reading HGs books and the readers comments and their experiences. I don’t have time to think about my old narcs when I have virtual narc and his followers on tap and if HG gives us the silent treatment the odd time, we always have the books to fall back on….. or the online videos. (although I can’t personally go there yet and I am not sure that I ever will.) In my opinion the only way to banish those thoughts from your mind is to occupy your mind with something else….whatever that may be. Although I don’t claim to be any expert, I am simply saying what is working for me. Good luck….Diva
Diva,
Yes occupying mysrlf and banishing thoughts of him is the way to go. Sometimes I’m able to do that and other times I can’t stop myself thinking about him and the pain that he has caused me.
Unfortunately he was the distraction that came along when I was trying to get over break up. A perfect situation for him.
Then I think about his wife and how much worse it is for her.
I think what’s getting to me at the moment is trying to get to grips with the fact that he doesn’t care, never did really and just moved on so easily.
I’m sure he would have carried on seeing me if I hadn’t found out about the new supply. Why not if he can get fuel from multiple sources.
I get some comfort from reading HG’s blog and the comments from everyone. It helps me understand what’s been going on, but as many have stated, the pain is the hardest thing about being tangled with a Narc to get over.
I find the only way to get over an addiction is to find another one!!!! A healthier one!!!!! My new addiction is this blog and reading HGs books and the readers comments and their experiences.
It is working for me also, Diva! The only time I think about him now is when I’m missing passion ( i.e. sex) in my life. Wait. . . hmm. . . maybe I think about him more than I THINK I think about him! 😉 When I do, I come running here and I’m better again. Almost.
It is indeed a worthwhile transfer.
Oh yes!!
Perfect, on spot. Being discarded, and knowing he’s out playing never missing aa beat. Fighting not to call. Break up constantly, for him to make new rules for me that i could never meet. Provoking me, and when i go screwy, it’s my fault. His new love is married, i know it doesn’t matter. The last breakup i had a date, told him i suppose to hurt him, and even told him i wouldn’t if he would just care. He didn’t, but did seem to know certain details he shouldn’t have. So now the married women he’s been talking to and him are gonna date because i did, lol, they where gonna anyways, just a way to blame me. Now i will just get ready for the punches in the gut. And yes, a ton of very bad reasons to not care, and run, and yet i can’t shake the pain.
The picture in this post struck a nerve. Over a two year span, it seemed like he (MRN) went from hating to talk on the phone to hating to text and back and forth. I got a reply from an email that said, “I hate emailing.”
How do you know all of this HG when you have no emotion and are unable to put yourself in our shoes? You don’t get to know all of this by watching women, who you have discarded, or have escaped or who you are no longer involved with. It is my guess that some of this behaviour is indeed your own. Have you ever had any of these feelings, thoughts memories or done any of the things that you state that we may have done, in this article. I suspect that some of these apply to you as well as us. They do apply to us……there is no doubt about that……..but for example I know for a fact that my mid range narc has definitely looked me up on facebook post escape…….Diva
It is a repeated misconception that I have no emotion. I have emotions – hatred, envy, fury, jealousy, antipathy to name a few. They are largely negative in nature but emotions nevertheless. I do get to know this from listening – these are the thoughts, comments and feelings that I have heard many times from those who have suffered at my own experience, from the experience of others (both on and off the blog). Remember we are creatures of mimicry and the best of our kind utilise the responses of our victims to better understand so we become even more effective. These are not my thoughts or feelings. I accept that out kind will look you up on FB post escape, indeed I have written on several occasions (you can find the article on the blog) about how we watch you through technology and social media stalking.
Understood………so we have emotions and you have emotions…..however there are some we have that you don’t. The only point I would make is that you constantly tell me and others to control our emotional thinking……yet your kind cannot seemingly control their emotions either (albeit negative ones)…….it’s far easier said than done. When I came to this blog initially I thought that empaths and narcs had little or nothing in common that was real……however the more I read I am realising that there are similarities. Diva
We all have emotional thinking. Ours chiefly manifests through the ignition of fury. Yours manifests through the addictive love,admiration,adoration created during seduction, the anxiety,bewilderment,hurt,confusion,fear during devaluation, relief,pining,longing,gratitude, hurt of disengagement and then a mixture or precise selection of the above emotions during hoovering. One of the key differences is that SOME of our kind manage to keep our the emotional thinking through the ignition of fury under control. Further, we do less emotional thinking than you because we control the dynamic and because of the way that we are You are correct though that both empaths and narcissists have emotional thinking in common, but it varies considerably in generation, frequency and applicability.
After reading that concise response I need never question again why you would not want to change what/who you are. In comparison to our life…..narc life is far simpler. It was a thought provoking read……and as such, I can’t help but wonder if all of the other emotions, that you state you and your kind don’t feel, are simply repressed, or in fact are completely non existent. Do you know the answer to that? If you have answered it before just point me in the right direction. Thank you Diva
Hell, maybe we should all try to be narcs, it would make life a lot easier.
KM don’t do it, if you have to do something, write the messages, but don’t send them. Go back to the messages a few days later. See how different you feel then. I do this to avoid breaking no contact. I always find that ny messages, while allowing me to vent my anger, are simply providing fuel. I’m always glad I didn’t send them. I can see what triggers me. What my issues are. When my narc Hoovers, I study his messages, I can see what he thinks will trigger me. When he gets it wrong its very funny. The last 3 messages he sent Sai he would take me out for icecream. I have no idea why he thinks that will work, probably confused me with another secondary source 😂
I’m not gonna do it I don’t feel like speaking to him now but I am curious what the results would be
If he’s anything like my narc he won’t really care.. he will love every minute of it and won’t blink an eye when you pull away.. you will be left thinking and wondering if what your doing is effecting him, and he will be getting fuel from a secondary source and won’t even notice your gone.. all that will be left is your broken heart and suffering.
Do I sound jaded?? Yes, I married, divorced, and got back with my narc off and on for 30 years now…
Trust me, I have played every game in the book with him… you can never beat them…
Curious? A plethora of bad. Flavor of the day. I suspect you miss even the pain. Because it’s “something” vs the way it feels now which is “nothing.” Both are imposters. Something: isn’t a damn thing. Nothing: is freedom and ground zero. Grieve cry scream whatever. But one day take a brick and rather than hurl it out of “curiosity” (which is surely to boomerang back and hit you in the head aka feeling “something”) lay that brick down (re)building YOU. That will be something.
I don’t mean to join in when this wasn’t remarked to me but it is very good advice. I have been dealing with the same thing myself for awhile. I am going to copy and paste your reply, print it out and put it on my computer. Thank you.
some times I have the urge to love bomb my narc endlessly I’m currently either on silent treatment or discard not sure then just suddenly stop and block him on everything and go no contact I’m not sure if he would reply I’m thinking he wouldn’t but I have this urge to bombard him with affection and adoration then withdraw completely with no explanation what do u think the outcome of this would be he’s a midranger who’s currently avoiding me
That sounds like a great idea, I want to do it! 😄
Fighting fire with fire and one is in danger of getting burned. It could be just adding Fuel to the flames. My fear would be that you could become embroiled in a smear campaign where he presents himself as the victim in a pity play.
Kim Michaud
He might get confused and maybe it will keep him in situ! (I am being facetious, of course) I like the way you think, BTW.
Dear Kim,
I believe he would receive huge doses of fuel and you would be left to crumble further. Personally, I think Game playing is dangerous!
Send those love bombs of affection and adoration to yourself, believe in Kim, read and re read. Know that you are worthy of being treated like a queen and expect no less from anyone, discover Kim. The tosser doesn’t deserve you. I found the silence from the narcissist absolutely golden. Listening to soothing piano music puts me in seventh heaven.
Good luck and Sincere Heartfelt wishes 💜
If he’s anything like my MRN, they don’t notice when you have withdrawn until they are ready for attention. You can send a million messages and then stop and it’s entirely possible you won’t hear back for a day, days, etc.. depending on their needs. That’s my experience at least.
I was miscarrying. I threatened to email his mother if he didn’t respond. Even sent a text saying, “you were warned.” I emailed her. I didn’t hear from him until the next night. She never responded. I’m thinking a lack of words runs in their family. Lol
The first thing that comes to mind is he’d show evidence of your love bombing (text messages etc) to as many of your acquaintances as he can get to, as evidence of how you’re mistreating him and are in fact a sad and crazy lunatic. Still want to do it?
Don’t play games with him.
I’ve played many games since I found this website and followed multiple strategies and still came out messed up and feeling bad. Ah, he is still doing great and also continues to look for other women. It is useless to engage with them.
I have read this in one of your books before, I don’t remember which one. Reading it again has helped me immensely at this particular time. Thank you.
Do you mean late for work? Instead of late for week?
Yes.
Yes just like we’ve all got used to the “narcisstic truths” & “little acons” memes and over the last couple of days they haven’t been there when I woke up and checked my mail .. it’s like waking up to the morning news reading those lol are you deliberately delaying them hg
Also can narcissists change gear as in lower become a mid range or a greater become a lesser etc or do they / we just have traits of each anyway
Hello C
The schools: the Lesser, the Mid-range and the Greater are all fixed. There is no upgrading or downgrading.