Trying Behaviour
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
36 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour”
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I think broken people naturally attract one another …One wants to exploit and hurt. One wants to try to soothe and fix the impossible. They both feed on and feed off of one another.
A dyfunctional Yin/Yang
I want beige. I want to be surrounded by a big beige bubble that protects and deflects anything sparkly, shiny or that appears to be lit from a fire within…
Hello HG
I have a question if you could give me your opinion please ? . .. But I am feeling a little nervous to ask here is there a chance I can email you personally ?
Thank you so much for the vast amount of information you have allowed many of us to understand .
Hello Given, yes of course narcissist1909@gmail.com
I would like to add something here.
It is not only the return of the Golden Period that we want.
When the N. start the devaluation, they hit right in to the core of our insecurities (they are masters on that). That means permanent anxious and stress. There is no time to think of ourselves and our needs.
My ex-N. hit me in my abandonment issues applying the notorious “my way, or the high way”. My goal was to reestablish normality and security, based on what we lived in the GP of course, but not the GB itself.
Thank you.
Thank you for expanding on your perspective Malo.
Hi Malo, I think this is relevant to me . There was no golden period or amazing sex with my narc. There were times that were ok and times that were not . But even when it was ok it was never ok by normal standards. As you say all it was was his way to keep the peace . He is not some amazing catch , far from it and yet I really wanted it to work. Why ? I think it is my own abandonment issues , it’s got to be . Nothing else makes sense
you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
I understand now. Thank you.
I’ve been thinking about this very subject, HG and I believe, from my experience, the reason I tried so hard with my exN wasn’t just about the GP, nice as that was, but for a rather more prosaic reason; the high drama of my dysfunctional childhood led to rebellious behaviour as a young adult. I did steer clear of bad boys and went with ‘ normal’ boys/men but these relationships failed; too much domesticity, too boring! These relationships failed for a very good reason; I didn’t enjoy a normal, loving home environment, therefore, ordinary relationships grew stale and very quickly. I want love and loyalty but I need drama and excitement too. Aside from narc’s infidelity and rages, I’d have put up with the other hot mess because it felt like I had met my match. Now I know that I can’t live with ‘ordinary’ men but I can’t win the heart of a narcissist either. Looks like I’m going to be on my own for some time yet.
Hi Scout, I can so relate to what you have written here and have been on my own for sometime now. Thanks
Bit on the end of that song too…its this bit below..
I just thought the top bit fitted the trying behaviour.
And the world will be better for this
That one man scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To fight the unbeatable foe, to reach the unreachable star
Andy Williams – The Impossible Dream Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Really? The world will be better for painful and useless actions? Well, whatever comforts you….
Hello.
This article made me think of this song which I like.
Its really dramatic but it kinda speaks volumes here.
(I’m not on WordPress otherwise I would have posted the link for you to click on as hearing it is feeling it…well for me it is). you will find it on YouTube If you wanted to and if you didn’t want to then no worries of course.😎
The Impossible Dream
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star
This is my quest, to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or cause
To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause
And I know if I’ll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I’m laid to my rest
Andy Williams – The Impossible Dream Lyrics | MetroLyrics
I like this, Thanks for sharing.
Hiya Yolo 🌹
It”s a nice song. 👍♫😊
To take the most useless of actions
To make the most stupid of moves
To fish where no fish ever swim
To eat the most poisonous loaves
To run barefoot over the gravel
To sleep with the bedbugs all night
That is your quest?????
Ridiculous song..
Any thoughts on which book to read next ?
Hello ABL, which ones have you read so far?
Hi HG, I have read; Ask the Narcissist, Ask 2, Sex and the Narcissist and Manipulated. Next? Thanks
Fuel, Fury and Outnumbered But Not Outgunned
This hits all the nerves, anxiety and strife realized. A template of the mayhem includes: What? Hmmm? Use of mind altering substances to get back the golden period, a bone thrown here and there to keep you in, depression, try harder, and harder, create drama, create madness, another bone, victim mentality, another bone etc. Then comes the grind, be perfect, more perfect to only create extreme madness, chaos and craziness. Guilt, and lots of it for making an ass of oneself. Finally, psycho education intoxicates our brains. Then comes the grieving period of loving a fraud. It’s an absolute mind f..ck. Thank you validating the madness and craziness. Co dependents are known for their grind, perfectionism, endurance etc
You picked the right supply sadly. That supply eill soon turn to healing and grind to abstain madness. I used that word too much!
I think that as a yin-yang formation there is not only a greater vs lesser narcissist but a match in the presence of a greater vs lesser victim.
The lesser victim ‘cracks’ far easier and coping mechanisms come in the form of substance abuse.
However, the greater victim is not necessarily the highest fuel source?
‘Victim’ for thought.
For me, this is one of your best articles and one I can relate with the most. This is where my struggle is and not wanting to settle for normal or beige. Knowing that I have no control over the golden period is difficult for me to accept! I have been on the shelf with someone for awhile and we have not been intimate to that extent yet and that is the carrot he keeps dangling in front of me. Is there a book of yours that goes into that relationship more? I’m definitely not an IPPS and not exactly a NISS, some where in between. I’m living my life and doing my thing and most of the time I am no contact with this person but he keeps in contact with me indirectly through the Internet and he lives in my small town so occasionally he is at the same grocery store as me. He is definitely a future faker for sure and most of the time I am good, every now and then I miss the way he kisses me and I answer him back. Trying to date other people but it is just not the same! Recommendations on more reading for me would be helpful! Thank you HG :-).
Thank you and you’re welcome.
I agree. I do not want a lukewarm soul. I want the same fire i have, and i don’t want someone patronizing me and telling me what i can or cannot “save”. (Not referring to you.) I read Edgar Allan Poe’s works as a child, memorizing some of them, then Wuthering Heights and other Brontë sisters’ works as a teen and have never considered anything less than perfect passion as an answer to my soul. What a counselor explained to me once, though, was that the chemistry in a man that i admire in the way he handles the world is the same chemistry that will make him abuse me. So that’s been my own personal struggle since then.
I grew up on the Bronte sisters and Edgar Allan Poe too. Who could have known that the silly poem I’ve linked to would dictate my (and possibly your) idea of a perfect love. <3
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44885/annabel-lee
I understand it perfectly well…….I have lived this pretence……although I was unaware it was a sham at the time. Now that I see it clearly for what it was, I will not be going back for the rerun. The problem is, we are a bit short on “normals” where I live…..and I include myself in that category!!!! Diva
HG what is your opinion on someone trying like this time and time again when there has been no golden period only keeping the monster at bay period ?
Do you mean the victim keeps trying to keep the relationship alive with the narcissist when there has only been a Bronze period?
Yes , when there has not been a golden period or wonderful sex and apparently that’s what the victim are always trying to cling to or to get back , which makes some sense. The victims who never really had that , why do you think they find it hard to leave ?
Fear will be at the root of much of it.
Fear of what though HG
Violence, loss of income, loss of family, loss of the relationship, fear of having failed and be seen to have given up.
H.G.
I would never endeavor to say that somehow you are climbing around inside my brain..but it is uncanny how, sometimes, when I’m dealing with a specific thing you post an article directly related to my situation.
Today it is my Codependency and how to “overcome” it. Believe me, I am trying like crazy to fight my demons and put my feet on the ground
(I don’t know what that feels like since they never have been there) and break some very bad habits.
Thank You for the article, it is just the kick in the ass I so desperately need.
~ JA
You are welcome.
Jody Allen
Start with very comfortable shoes.
When you get out of bed tomorrow as I am sure you are up now, try to place your feet on the ground in a completely different spot as you roll out of you bed. Know that when you do this, you are going to take steps you have never taken before. I am a very visual, physical person. This stuff works for me. For example, if I wake up in a pissy mood and it will affect those around me. I get right back into bed and get up on the other side. It is a conscience action and it is me re-wiring my thoughts. It is how I am wired. Like when my trainer is counting the reps, I might have him break it down in a different way to count to 12. Make sense?
Just try it.
I don’t always succeed but I keep trying.
Good luck and I am pulling for you to over come your demons.
I do not say this in an empathic way but more of a “isn’t it amazing how we can control our destiny”
Your power is right between your ears.