The Narcissistic Truths – No. 116
41 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 116”
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Truth: I am far less lonely now than I was with my mid-rangers (both of them)
It was torture. The lower functioning they werethe lonelier I felt.
So once again I would rather be alone by myself than lonely with somebody else.
I’m at least so much more stress free and I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever I want.
Dr Quinzel
I hope you do not mind me directing my comment towards you, this has to do with a comment I made that got more attention then was necessary. HG please let me speak I know you shut it down, I am asking to speak from my perspective of a situation.
I just graduated at 16 and was made to decide to kill my my child or marry. I married in hopes of having a family much different then the one I grew up in. I was sent 2000 miles away from everyone I ever knew. For awhile things were good, then he would get angry if a cup wasn’t positioned in the way he saw fit. I taliked to his aunt about things she brushed it off. By time I was 19 things had gotten much much worse. I still was alone, I finally asked someone who I recognized could see the abuse that was going on they turn a blind eye, and then when someone actually started to take notice of me and what I was saying they started making things look humorous in return took their attention from what was real to what wasn’t, then they to were telling me it was in my head and I needed to be a good wife.
All I was trying to do was get a different perspective of what could happen seen and/or thought of. I said it was from experience in seeing this happen.
My intentions are never to harm, but to get someone to think. I saw something happening to another and yes it brought many memories for me to the surface. I am extremely private and only one here knows what I have been through, I am very uncomfortable speaking of this point in time for me, because it was then I knew I would walk alone for the rest of my life.
To judge with dirty hands says more about the person judging then the person being judged
I have many reason why my heart broke and why I chose to do what I did. My intentions was to bring awareness to what we do can affect another. It does happen unintentionally, once aware it becomes intentional, regardless of what you tell yourself.
I walk in a world of pain, sadness, anger, decit, hypocrisy yet within this world is joy, peace, and love. To hear everything one must learn to be quite and listen. Hearing isn’t always in what you read or speak it is in what you feel, see, and taste.
Now this gave me no reason to speak from a place of anger and frustration to which I apologise for, yet even I have moments when the emotions of not just mine but others affect me.
Thank you HG for always letting me speak, and thank you Dr Quinzel for writing this to you, it really isn’t direct at you but in general. Your comment helped me both there and here.
So when a narcissist is with another narcissist, how does that go down?
Hello Heather, please read the articles When Narcissists Collide – Parts One and Two (more to come on the subject as well).
Yes I felt completely alone when in a relationship with him . It actually never was a relationship. You can not ever have a relationship with a narcissist even if your married to them , it’s only ever a situationship that you either tolerate or you leave . I told him when I ended it that I was alone within this situationship and his answer was , I can’t deal with other people’s problems (meaning me highlighting any truths) . You must not do that, you must just go along with the charade and not question them or tell them the truth about themselves or their behaviours . Narcs are very good and very vocal about everyone’s flaws and calling people out on their hypocrisy or critising other people’s marriages or relationships . My narc had something to say about everyone and everything and he was probably right , while failing to ever look at him self . If you turn the spotlight on him , you are giving him stress , you are causing a problem and then he doesn’t want the fake relationship anymore . Even though my narc is somewhere between a lesser and a mid , he has awareness about himself and I think it’s why he constantly says I’m Real. I’ve never known other humans to keep walking around telling people they are real. It’s strange how I was so alone with him and he contributed zero to my life and yet I’m still struggling with ignoring the hoovers , I’m doing it but it’s hard .
You are right, NA, narcs are co-dependent, which is ironic considering they try to make out that we are!
Hi scout…i think codependancy is any time someone depends on something or someone instead of themselves. I think narcs are codependant for similiar reasons as their victims but deal with it differently. We fit together like two puzzle pieces the narc and victim but you never get the completed puzzle bc both are dysfunctioned.
Hello NA. Agreed. Both groups, co-dependents and NPD sufferers are dysfunctional; so alike yet so far apart. So sad.
Jezzzus, I knew exactly what he meant when he said it. If you think youre lonley now…wait until you’ve dealt with a narc. They dont feel or show the loneliness but they will certainly make YOU feel that way…because that’s their aim.
The worst loneliness I ever felt was with my MMRN. I never felt lonely with the ULN or even in my narc family. I blame the GP for this fiasco.
The narcissist I was involved with repeatedly made reference to Wilson from the film Castaway. Tom Hanks played the character Chuck marooned on an uninhabited island. The film depicts his mental struggle with extreme isolation and loneliness. In the absence of anyone to talk to the volleyball Wilson was to become his invaluable friend. I now realise the constant mentioning of Wilson was the clue I missed for the treatment that would make me become isolated and lonely.
The film is also a visual reminder on the emotional sea. He makes several attempts to leave the island only to be battered by the rifts and force of the sea. He eventually makes his escape on a raft breaks through the strong waves, survives a storm and is picked up by a passing ship.
One of his many other mottos was Knowledge is Power, so thank you HG.
You are welcome CP.
CP,
That’s funny. One of my all time mottos is Knowledge is Power. I’m in the process of escape. I only recently learned what I was dealing with. Reading HG’s material, I’m more prepared but only a little surprised.
This one won’t let go easy. I’m already over him. And manipulator roles have reversed. He taught me well and now I will crush him. I’m good being alone, never had a problem with that. Like my ME time. This moron narc has the antisocial behavior PD on top of NPD. He’d be a hermit if he could. That’s just, … off.
Married to this low life for too long. Chronic illness didn’t help matters. Too bad for him I’m stronger and smarter.
Thank you HG. Your writings have been most informative.
N B
You are welcome NB.
There is a difference between being Alone and being Lonely. I was happy being alone. I didn’t know loneliness until I became entangled with a narcissist. Yet another lesson learned.
Hmm…
We ALL are lonely in one or another way. The sense of loneliness is archetypal for human. That sense forces us to socialize, to be together, to form families, communities, etc.
We ALL feel loneliness on some levels. I guess, the phrase “I’ve been with people (with spouse, with friends, with co-workers, etc.) and I’ve felt lonely” is pretty familiar to everyone.
So, I don’t think that it is a Narcissistic Truth. It is a General Truth we live and deal on constant base with.
The cure for loneliness is the INTIMACY and LOYALTY. If you are accepted (through intimacy) by another person, and that person is loyal to you, that cures the loneliness pretty effectively. “I’m not afraid to face anything in this life, because I KNOW that you are staying behind my back, always ready to give me a helping hand in case if I fall down. I’m not lonely”…
Unfortunately, many Narcs can’t give us the intimacy and loyalty, and in that case the phrase “Be with me, know loneliness” is the Narcissistic Truth exactly. Sad truth.
I love this Noname (as with many of your comments). I think they also don’t know how to accept or trust our intimacy and loyalty. They think it’s fake.
You are absolutely right, Clarece.
I want to add, that many Narcs know (!) that our intimacy and loyalty aren’t fake, but they are afraid to reciprocate (and they never ever admit it). No wonder why (considering their childhood trauma) – once bitten, twice shy. The purest Pavlov’s reflex. It is very useful for survival, but very damaging for Narc’s (and their partners) lives.
I like your comments too, Clarece, but you know this already. I rarely change my opinion. Lol.
Narcissists have a paranoia that everyones against them its a hyper defense mode. They cant fully enjoy something thats genuine bc they constantly expect to be hurt and betrayed so they do it instead. They are the doers bc they were done to and never want to be done to again.
I know. Sucks for them. Then sucks for us. Meh!
Yees, Narc affair, the paranoia is their second name. I lost my count how many my husband’s paranoias I’ve healed… Various scary infentions, diseases, bad food…
His most resistant paranoia is my physical presence/absence. When I’m out of his sight, he becomes very nervous. He really believes that something bad will happen to me, or someone will kidnap and kill me, or I’ll die suddenly. I can do nothing to help him, because no one can predict the life events and guarantee my “immortality”. He fights with that paranoia and I see, that he is getting better (very slowly, but steadily).
Hi noname….your hubby sounds like he has a anxiety disorder. Has he ever looked into medicinal cannabis oil? Or meds for it? I have a friend who uses the oil daily and its helped him immensely! Its in a form you dont get high. Not sure if its legal there yet. He has all the signs of this type of disorder.
No, Narc affair, he has ASPD and the paranoia (with anxiety episodes) is a component of it. He don’t use any meds. The straight logic does it better.
No thank you. I know all about that feeling. It’s deep-seated fear that almost paralyses the sufferer.
One is the lonliest number and the narcs number. The narc has a way of making us feel everything theyve felt including the lonliness and isolation.
Correct NA, I was never convinced when exN would make out that he liked his own company, making out that I had the problem. As soon I was out of the way he was with different supply. He was never on his own. They do inded isolate us.
Hi scout…mine says the same that he doesnt need anyone and has lived alone all his adult life yet he has im pretty certain an extensive matrix of supply sources on and offline. He comments a lot that his dad married several times and always needed someone but hes the same just in a different way. Narcissists are codependants of fuel which in turn is people.
Ohhh yes extended N truth
Do u mean when we are with you, we will feel lonely because you will give us a present silent treatment, turn off the switch, etc?
Yes but also because you are attached to us but we neither bond nor attach to you. We are there but we are not there.
I think you also mirror back the loneliness we felt before we met you. You really mirror back all of our good, bad and ugly parts back at us but times ten.
The eggshell walk was the loneliest part for me, and I assume it’s the same for all of the victims/survivors of the narcissists. We give up so much of ourselves to try and make the relationship work.
I’m generally a very affectionate person, but with him I would hold on tight all the time just to have a connection. And no, he didn’t like that at all. I don’t know, maybe he did, I think it made him feel manly.
He was very manly (I liked that part of him the best). C’est la vie.
Happy you’re back HG.
Thank you LEL.
Well, that just about sums up everything. It’s pretty much all we need to know. Just two short sentences. Everything else we experienced stems from this I believe.
What you said there HG hit it on the spot. We know and sense our attachment and the lack of it from the narc. Its not reciprocated in a genuine true way but is artificial and on shakey foundation.
They are never actually present.
It’s so boring…
I was just constantly irritated with my ex. I was in a permanent state of annoyed every damn day and the line I would always say:
” you are ever actually present ”
Narc: what do you mean? I’m right here?!
“But you’re not. You are just somewhere else. Shit, I have ADHD and I’m present! I want to know more about you… who you were before me… stories…I wanna see high school pictures…”
He would never disclose anything about himself either… I felt like I was looking at a cardboard cut out. I was staring at nothingness. I can probably recall a total of like 3 or 4 stories tops about his past as a kid with his friends etc.
He used to say (looking genuinely upset to some degree) “I don’t mentally stimulate you”
Well he got that right…
I also used to call my ex the play date from hell…
You know that asshole kid who comes over and you are both trying to figure out what to do or play and they are like no we aren’t gonna do what you wanna do and there is no way we will compromise … so play my game or I’m gonna be a dick to you or go home….
They are such dicks that they assume u have a good time after you were forced to play their game…
Mine would be like we had fun times together…
What fucking fun times!????!!!???!!!!?!?
Asshole.
But you’ve stated in the past that u r not lonely. So i am a bit confused…
It is referring to you being lonely, not us.
Seriously! It’s more lonely than being single!
Thats not good. U dont want to be lonely do u HG? U know this about yourself and yet u continue to be yourself. And therefore lonely. Why don’t u take what u know and try…. or is the price for fuel worth the sacrifice of loneliness?