Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? – Part One
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“I don’t get it, one minute he is all smiles and cuddles and the next he acts like he doesn’t know me.”
“I don’t know what is going on. Earlier in the week he wanted to hang out with me and now when I call to make arrangements he doesn’t seemed bothered.”
“He was in a foul mood and then suddenly he was being really nice to me and I have no idea why.”
Familiar sentiments? Most likely they are when you are dealing with our kind. Why is it that one moment everything is wonderful and the next it all goes wrong? Why are there periods of elation and then periods of erosion? Why are we so inconsistent in the way that we behave with you? Let’s begin with the Intimate Partner Primary Source, the most common recipient of this behaviour.
The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)
Whether you are our wife, boyfriend, partner or lover, the IPPS will find themselves subject to this vacillating behaviour.
The Seduction Golden Period
Once you have been installed as the primary source, following your seduction as an intimate partner secondary source, you reap the rewards of being our primary source of fuel, the apple of our eye and the light of our life. There will be only the heat of manufactured passion, the warmth of apparent caring and the fire of fabricated desire during this period.
During this golden period our fury (which is expanded on below) is in effect capped and therefore does not manifest. This ‘capping’ occurs for two reasons. The first is that you are supplying us with positive fuel and therefore if you happened to criticise us, we are able to brush it off because (a) we are being well fuelled in a positive manner and (b) we regard you as ‘white’ ; you are wonderful and our mind set is such that the criticism does not have the same effect. Secondly, even if we began to react to your criticism, we exert control because we do not want to lose you at this juncture and we want the positive fuel to keep flowing (we do not want your negative fuel at this point). There is also the issue that you are highly unlikely to cause a criticism because of the way you are responding to us during this golden period.
Accordingly, it is extremely rare to see us blow hot and cold during seduction for these reasons. You might find a reaction from a Lesser Narcissist who is criticised early in the golden period, who cannot exert sufficient control and accordingly he erupts, but it is extremely rare.
The Devaluation Period
This is when the alternating between hot and cold commences and there are a variety of reasons why this happens.
The first occurs in The Instant and is as a consequence of the ignition of fury. If you say (or more likely) do something which is perceived by us as criticism, it wounds us. Bear in mind that it may not seem like a criticism from your perspective, indeed you are usually at a complete loss as to why we have reacted as we have done. The blowing hot and cold which occurs in The Instant is naturally your fault.
Whatever it is that you have said or done, it has been perceived as a criticism. This wounds us and our self-defence mechanism is for the churning fury that is ever present, to be ignited. This happens more often with Lesser and Mid-Range narcissists because those members of our brethren are unable to control their fury with the same skill and discipline as the Greaters.
This ignited fury may manifest as heated fury as we erupt and call you names, break things, slam doors, hit you and such like. Accordingly, all was going well and you cause a criticism and our volcanic rage erupts as the situation becomes super-heated. Alternatively, this ignited fury emerges as cold fury whereby you are subjected to a baleful glare, being cold shouldered and treated to silent treatments. Thus the situation becomes ice-cold.
In the blink of an eye, you have unbalanced the situation through your criticism. Our reaction is based on self-defence. Since you are in the devaluation period, the ‘cap’ on our fury that existed during the seduction period has been removed. Accordingly, it is only a matter of time before you do or say something which ignites our fury and boom, we react. One minute we are enjoying a family film and the next we have thrown the popcorn across the room and are glaring at you from our armchair.
The reason the fury ignites is to cause an intense reaction so that you react to it and provide us with fuel (or others do who witness the explosion). Usually, the ignited fury is directed towards the person who has caused the criticism by way of punishment and the need to cause them to atone for their transgression. By insulting you, striking you, spitting at you, shoving you, glaring at you, sitting and sulking we are aiming to prompt an emotional response from you. This provides us with fuel. Once you provide us with fuel, the wound you have caused is healed and our ignited fury abates. Consequently, we then carry on as if nothing has happened. Accordingly, in the space of a few minutes we go from calm to furious and then calm again. We have blown hot and cold and of course it has to be your fault because we are never at fault in our minds.
That is how we blow hot and cold in an instant and whilst theoretically this could happen at any stage in the narcissistic cycle it happens most with the IPPS during the devaluation.
We also blow hot and cold with you over an elongated period because of the need for contrast. Isaac Newton’s Third Law stated
” For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
Whilst this was directed in the field of physics, this is of equal application to the narcissistic dynamic. We have to create contrast in order to derive the most potent fuel. If we dig a ditch which is ten feet deep and shove you into it, you will probably be hurt as you fall into the ditch. If we build a tower thirty feet high next to the pit and push you from the top of the tower, then you have a forty foot drop and will suffer greatly owing to this starker contrast.
When we are seducing you, we are devaluing someone else.
When we are devaluing you, we are seducing somebody else.
When we allow you a Respite Period during the devaluation it is because we have turned against somebody else and thus we see you as ‘white’ once again.
When we start devaluing you again it is because we are savouring the resumption of seduction of another or perhaps starting a seduction anew with a new appliance.
It is all about creating that contrast.
If there are times where we have walked in to the house and we begin berating you from the moment we arrive you are at a loss to even identify what you could have done to cause this. The belittling commenced the moment we stepped through the doorway. What has happened is that we have been with someone else (not necessarily in an intimate way, it might have been an Non-Intimate Secondary Source, a friend) and having gained their positive fuel, it remind us of why we are devaluing you. This causes us to continue to regard you as ‘black’ and therefore we are unpleasant to you as soon as we first appear and continue being so until your emotional response fuels us and we stop.
If we are driving and we cut up another driver who we then pulls up alongside us and we swear at him and threaten to get out the car and stamp on his trachea until it bubbles, we gain negative fuel from the other driver’s frightened or upset or angry response. We can then turn to you (even in devaluation) and smile and kiss you on the cheek, to enjoy your contrasting positive response to the negative one which we have just obtained.
Accordingly, when we are seducing somebody else, we seem them as ‘white’ and thus you are ‘black’ because we need the contrast between the two of you. The IPSS we are seducing is seen as wonderful (and all the more because we despise you) and you as the IPPS are seen as awful (and all the more because we adore the IPSS). The contrast makes the fuel from both sources all the more potent.
If we decide to give you a Respite Period it may be because a NISS has been disloyal and we have devalued them, so we see your dogged loyalty as a good thing for a short time. It might be because the IPSS we have been cultivating is not delivering as we expected and whilst our disappointment in them is not sufficient to cause us to devalue them it means we will park them for the time being and you gain by getting a Respite Period.
All of the various appliances that we are connected to have an effect on one another and most of all on the IPPS.
Thus during the devaluation period you will find us behaving “okay” with you when we are neither especially pleasant or horrible, but then suddenly we shift to being unpleasant and then a Respite Period comes out of nowhere. It will appear arbitrary and inconsistent to you but there is a logic behind it.
The Discard
What about the period post discard when you were once the IPPS and you have been demoted from that heady position? We once adored you and now we do not even acknowledge you. This is because we are obsessed with the new primary source and have no interest in you anymore. This is why if you stay out of our spheres of influence and the Hoover Execution Criteria is not met, you hear nothing from us in the immediate aftermath of discard.
Then, some time later, we appear with smiles and compliments as we apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover. Our approach to you has altered again and you have done nothing. In such an instance we are now devaluing your replacement and we want some delicious hoover fuel from you. You triggered a hoover, the Hoover Execution Criteria was met and thus we come after you for that positive hoover fuel. Deny it us and we may suddenly shift in an instant to a malign hoover, again you are puzzled as to why our attitude towards you has altered so quickly, but from our perspective it makes sense. If you have rebuffed our hoover and we have decided against withdrawal, the easiest way to gain some fuel from you (to heal the wound caused by your rebuffing criticism) is to dole out a malign hoover and seek negative fuel from you.
If you approach us when we are infatuated with our replacement, you will receive a malign hoover (if not ignored as explained in The Immediate Aftermath ) because at that time your replacement is regarded as ‘white’ thus you remain ‘black’ as the opposite and equally strong reaction.
We blow hot and cold because of the ignition of our fury in the instant and also because of this constant need to create contrasts and accord with the principle of opposite and equal reactions. This is why we engage in black and white thinking, it enables us to create the contrast that our needs demand and consequently causes us to blow hot and cold with you. Sometimes the hot appears as passion and desire, other times as rage, sometimes the cold appears as indifference and disinterest and other times it is a silent treatment and ignoring you. So long as there is a contrast, we will blow hot and cold.
The effects of blowing hot and cold are as follows:-
- First and most importantly the gathering of fuel. This is to power the construct and also in certain instances to heal the wound caused by your criticism;
- To maintain control over you;
- To underline our omnipotence by being able to control you;
- To emphasise our notion of superiority;
- To disorientate you so you give fuel and fail to comprehend what is happening;
- To create an apparent lack of consistency which prevents your understanding and adds to your confusion;
- To prevent you from being able to move forward because you are emotional, confused and disorientated.
All of the above fits together so that there will be wheels within wheels as we blow hot and cold with you.
Part Two examines why we blow hot and cold with the Intimate Partner Secondary Source, the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Secondary Source which includes the familial narcissistic dynamic.
67 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Blow Hot and Cold? – Part One”
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Iv just hit a spear! Saw him outside a shop and he was behind me when I was driving my car, he kept his distance though
As I understand it in this context malign would be something like stalkerish behaviour, maybe blackmail and any kind of general nastiness to provoke a negative emotional reaction such as fear, anger, hatred. Benign is oh I want to be your friend, lets give it another go, you made me so happy, how are you doing etc., to make you feel warm and fuzzy towards your narc and give them positive emotions in return – positive emotions as joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe and love (I had to look these up on google couldn’t think of positive emotions off hand isn’t that strange).
Now on another note my friends are saying stop reading this site and dwelling in the past and to just let it go. Forget about it and it was just a bad experience and that constantly thinking about it and going on this blog is just not good for me at all. If you lovely people have any insight on this please post. Am I looking for sympathy by talking about this stuff are my friends right? They didn’t accuse me of looking for sympathy this is something that has just occurred to me (could I be doing a little pity play).
HG… will my ex narcissist remember that it would have been our 7 year anniversary tomorrow? I remember every date , like today is 6 years since we christened our daughter
another question it occurs to me even though I wouldn’t recommend a narcissit giving therapy to a victim do to the lack of empathy it seems u would do a great job explaining to mid and lower narcs how disordered they are and give concrete explanations as to why u said a victim could never convince a narcissistic they’re a narcissistic but I think u could especially my narc since he hates woman but believes anything another man tells him
it’s good to know there’s nothing I could do to prevent this from happening but I’m hoping u can answer this question if someone has no work blood children or other ties to the narc and they were an in a so called romantic relationship for u believe they should sever permanently all contact with the narc I’m sorry if u already addressed this what I’m asking is do u think there’s ever a reason or benefit to maintaining contact assuming the person is really a narcissist or is it. Just pointless
I meant so u believe not do believe
Can someone explain the difference between a malign Hoover and a benign Hoover. Thanks!
Are you taking the piss?
No
😂😂😂😂😂
What does that mean, HG? “Taking the piss”
Taking the mickey, having a laugh, not being serious.
Thank you HG. Another tidbit learned from across the pond!
A malign Hoover is nice and pleasant where they contact u and say how are u etc to see if you’ll be receptive it the eye blatantly try to woo u back in some cases a malign Hoover is when they contact you in a mean way for example my exnarc once wrote nasty comments on my facebook page after he discovered I was dating someone even though he had discarded me two months earlier
I nearby day or they will blatantly try to wood u back in some cases but not always
OMG I can’t type I mean in some cases they will blatantly try to woo u back
LouLou
It depends on the fuel level and type of narcissist you are dealing with. I found this post very helpful.
https://narcsite.com/2017/07/02/its-hoover-time-3/
kind of like a benign tumor is not cancer but a malignant tumor is
Hi LouLou,
Scroll down past “Recent Comments,” and in-between “Pvt Consult” and “Email Consult” you’ll find a Search field. Type in “Hoover,” then press “Go” and you’ll find several articles on Hoovers. I do this frequently and usually find what I’m looking for!
HG,
The Search function is very effective, yet is not in a very prominent spot (on my device). Perhaps moving it towards the top would stop some of the redundant questions and rest your fingers?
Thanks Kimi. I think it varies dependent on the device. I see the search function on the far right of the menu bar at the top of the blog.
Malign – evil, harmful…
Benign – kind, harmless, cordial
And attach that to the Hoover concept….
Thank you!
I wasn’t devalued to where he ever called me names (not until after discard when I revealed his cheating to everyone). He just was depressed around me once he was getting supply from the new IPPS. He blew cold never hot. Though I believe he was mean to his son during this time.
HG, does a narc ever start devaluing before a new supply is set up? Do they ever just get bored or the IPPS is stale so they sprinkle in some put downs and passive aggressive behaviors simply out of boredom? Maybe start the hunt for another during devaluation? This seems to have happened to the girl before me. He was making comments about her weight, but would then tell her she was pretty the next day. Maybe he was just dealing with fury from something she had said/done. I know in her case he didn’t have a new supply as she dumped him and he was in a frenzy until he met me two months later.
Yes, the devaluation invariably always starts before a potential target has been located. It is not the new target which triggers devaluation but the fact that the current IPPS’ fuel has become stale, not provided often enough, not in large enough quantities, to there has been exposure or massive wounding by the current IPPS.
In the example you describe his devaluing behaviour will have been for one of the reasons just explained and in that instant may well have been triggered by her wounding him, so his fury ignited. With fury abated and her under control, he then gave her respite thereafter. The devaluation period is not one long slog of hardship but rather an up and down pattern with an overall downwards trend.
I realize now that I triggered devaluation within the first 2 weeks with my Moron in Munich, by questioning him and calling him on absurdities. But I had no choice, I can’t shut off my mind. He actually told me he was looking for a woman who never questions him about anything. My response was he just as well be looking for one of us who doesn’t sleep! To me a refusal to be questioned is the hallmark of a small mind.
That was an incredibly informative reply!!! I had no idea that we got stale before you started to look elsewhere. I figured you were always looking and then when someone else’s fuel felt better than ours, you started to devalue. Very interesting. I can take a wild gander then that his current IPPS is being devalued as I believe he only lasts around 6 months before he is bored (going by his history with his ex’s and myself). Looking back I was getting some silent treatments 6 months in and the golden period was over. It wasn’t terrible, but it was the beginning for sure of him stating he was scared of marriage, unsure etc. I was given lots of respite though because I saw him as broken and doused him in affection.
Wow. I love the predictions of all this. So very interesting! Thanks again!
You ate most welcome Ajo.
I have a question HG. If somebody who could be a lesser covert N would read one of your books do you think he could start thinking he could be a narcissist himself?
No.
Hi HG, I have a question:
Why did my golden age last very little since I was a ‘primary source’ for 6 months? His rage and his instinctive reactions to my simple criticisms were evident from the first days. I can only assume that my Narcisista was a ‘Lesser Somatic’.
(Sorry for my English, I’m Italian)
Most likely, your fuel became stale or was not provided in a large enough quantity and/or frequently enough.
P.s I should add that he was also posting as someone who’d been abused by his ex GF ..
HG .
Can I ask you a question please ? ( I know it’s BH weekend so no rush for a reply ) Obviously 🙂
Briefly waaay back I posted on a forum for victims of DV .
I can’t even remember how I got chatting privately to a male on the forum but it happened .
We’ve stayed in touch albeit intermittently & we can go for weeks without contacting each other then I’ll get a random message out of the blue .. the usual stuff, how are you blah, blah & a bit of banter.
Fast forward two weeks ago, another message from him asking me if we could meet sometime.
It’s fine . I’m okay with that BUT I see Red Flags & decided to put him to the test this weekend .. so sent him a message yesterday morning, it was much about nothing really but though he read it immediately ( as he always does ) He hasn’t replied .. ( as he always does weekdays only it seems)
I don’t care either way but would appreciate your thoughts please .
NNS
The narc cycle this time around has been very different. This time I’ve been much more in control, maybe because I came into it with a different mind set. Like usual, it only lasted a couple of months. But, I’m in a much better place thanks to HG’s information. I’ve been reading and re-reading for over a year. I’m in the silent treatment phase, because I mortally wounded his ego. My response was “don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out”. Emotionally I’m stronger and honestly I feel better than ever. Ready to date again and move on
Sounds good! 👍
Hi HG. I’m really looking forward to reading the IPSS and DLS version of this article. I feel like I sat somewhere between the two with my narc (although, probably more in the DLS camp, admittedly!)
Very good thread to go along with the DLS article too!
Tough realizing all this is true. Been there, done that. Knowledge is the goal to laugh it off🥂
Well put
I agree, Patricia, but I’m not laughing yet
“I like to be away from you for a while, I need to because then I get feel so happy when I see you again”
This was how it was explained it to me when I approached him about his hot and cold behaviour. I was left scratching my head but justified it by thinking ‘ absence makes the heart fonder’.
He very much enjoyed being away, then having the thrill of coming back together. It was a high for him. He did not do well in our relationship on a day to day basis. I felt I was too boring, mundane, quotidian for him because he lived from thrill to thrill. I understand having ones autonomy and space is important but basing our relationship on being a constant, momentary thrill for him would never work for me.
I don’t know whether he is/was cognisant of the issues that underpin his behaviour i.e. he knows what he is. I guess that should no longer matter to me.
I cannot count the cycles of benign/malign hoovers, devaluation, discard, hoover… anymore. He has been doing this for over a year now. It is clear to see what he is and thanks to you, HG, I can finally UNDERSTAND why he is doing what he is doing. He is a textbook narcissist. What I don’t understand is the fact, that I still fall for every benign hoover, again and again. I still hope for him to understand what he is and to start changing. I cannot get him out of my system although he left me broken, shattered, a pathetic sobbing once-a-woman piece of nothing in the floor. He will return, as he always does, and tell me that I belong to him, that I was born to be his. And I will fall for it again. It’s killing me, I’m dying, and I want it to stop, yet have no strength anymore to muster a no contact. Is there any hope?
A highly informative article, thank you HG. No wonder I was a nervous wreck. Towards the end I wasn’t walking on eggshells, but broken glass.
Thanks for reminding me why NC is so important. Enjoy your Sunday.
Very sad Scout but I get you completely x
Nomame
I moved house.
Changed my car.
Blocked it from every place I could.
If it dares contact ( hoover) me again It wont get a response Ever . x
Thank you, Not So Sad. It’s a privilege to meet other survivors on here. Only like- minded folk can empathise with our situation. X
You did the right thing, Not So Sad!
Be careful, heal yourself, don’t think that ALL men are bad, and everything will be alright. Good luck!
Thank you Noname
I’m well on the way ! I hope you are too x
👌Xx
Thank you HG .
I’ve just had another … Ahhhhh so that’s why it happened moment .
When I was being devalued the violence became ever so frequent, this I now understand is because It was in The Golden Period with it’s new target .
It would beat me up & then message, possibly skype, facetime whatever to her after I’d gone to bed to get out of it’s way, then after it’d finished with her come up & be violent with me again. ..
The contrasting +/- fuel from us both . I could never understand why it kept on coming back for more for such a long time .
I do NOW !
Cheers for that .
NNS .
Not so sad
That is horrible! So sad that you were beaten that way, and so glad you have escaped that now!
Thank you for your kind words Windstorm .
I’m over the worst now, thankfully .. It’s a painful journey we all have to take but it’s sooo worth it .
How are things with you? x
Not so sad
Glad things are better for you! Everything’s fine here. What few problems I have are all self-inflicted, so I can’t really complain. 😝
Thanks for asking. You have a great week!
Not So Sad, may I ask… What provoked his violent behavior toward you? How cruel was he toward you? If it is too traumatizing to recollect, please don’t answer. I’ll understand.
Not at all Noname .
Please ask away 🙂
Alcohol was his trigger tbh .
Happy drunk .
I love you drunk .
I’m the sexiest man on the planet drunk
.
Picking a fight with everyone & anyone drunk .(Even the Pizza delivery .. I kid you not )
You say as I do or I’ll beat the shit of you drunk .. then I’ll pick a fight so I can anyway ..
But the flags were there even when he wasn’t drinking .
Like many of us I just didn’t see them sadly .
He wasn’t cruel noname he was & always will be Evil .
NNS
I see. The alcohol is a powerful trigger and, of course, it is not excuse for what he did to you.
That’s also means, he is still dangerous to you, because you were the one of his targets, who was subjected to his violence and he knows that “subjection” was successful.
Did you change your location when you escaped from him? How far away from him do you live now?
What a disgusting POS excuse for a human being. “It” almost seems too merciful.
Indeed MLA.. !
And still triangulating me with my replacement nearly three years on.
They just dont stop do they lol.
I hope life treating you well MLA ?? it’s always good to hear from you ! 🙂
P.s I still haven’t arranged that date I told you about .
NNS x
Ditto. I’m eye for an eye when it comes to beating up women. I think someone should go see him everyday and beat the shit out of him for breathing incorrectly or maybe sleeping in the wrong position. Something fury worthy like that.
NSS. Sorry to hear your story. What a b*stard. Alcohol fuelled aggression is far scarier than a sober narcissist in a rage. Pleased you are out of that awful situation.
Hi Not So Sad,
What a disgusting, loathsome, despicable monster! I really feel for you.
Alcohol or any other drug is not an excuse to become violent. As you said, the red flags were already there when your ex was not drinking.
When I meet someone for the first time, I pay attention to inconsistent behaviour, among other things. They are friendly or caring one day and a week later they become cold, distant or angry and unreliable for no reason and they will not even mention what is going on with them. A week later they become nice and friendly once again as if nothing ever happened. I also watch for these signs when meeting people I could become friends with. They say, if they show you who they are, believe them.
Thank you – this makes perfect sense of my crazy relationship with my ex.
Pleasure.
This was a very thorough and helpful explanation. Thank tou.
You are welcome WS2.
It’s been 6 months since he left and Iv not had a hoover. I think Iv had flying monkeys though. I memoved some people off my fb and one of them tried to re add me. I told her I couldn’t add her as she was friends with him. We spoke on messenger for a bit. I told her a few things then I thought, shit, what if she tells him. The other person that wrote to me asked if I was ok. I just said I will be and left it at that! I would move away, as far away as possible if I could but we have a child together, well he’s not seen her for 3 months, been busy with the new supply. If he does hoover I know I will go back. He knows this too. Probably why he’s not done it!
Hi Rachel, if you have had approaches from Lieutenants those are Hoovers By Proxy, probably for the purposes of gathering information. Since he disengaged from you, he has a new IPPS and he is in the golden period with her, that is why he has not approached you to hoover you because he has no interest in you AT THE MOMENT. When the new IPPS is devalued (which might be in a month or a year) you are at a higher risk of being hoovered. It is too early at present.