The Spheres of Influence
There are numerous factors which govern whether we will attempt to hoover you post-escape or post-discard. Some of these factors determine the style of the hoover, whether it will be malign or benign and also how often the attempts will be made. There are several considerations which have a material impact on whether a hoover will occur and one of the most significant ones is the sphere of influence and your relationship to it.
Imagine if you will, me. Now I know you do this often as your guilty little secret but we haven’t got time for that at the moment. Here I am sat at home, or in the office, or walking between bars. Let us take an instance of me being in a bar. What is my sphere of influence? To be accurate there are actually several. They vary in applicability and range. The first is the physically proximate sphere, namely those who are within earshot. That is the closest sphere of influence and unsurprisingly the most dangerous for you. It is within this sphere of influence when the full range of charismatic and magnetic charms can be deployed in order to pull you back into my influence. Anybody who I can speak to or listen to, be sat with, or dine with, stand next to or be near is in this sphere of influence.
The second sphere is the eye line sphere. This is the sphere where I can see you or you can see me. We may be across the street, on the other side of a field, up in an office, walking across a plaza, across from you on the piste. If we can see you or you can see us, then you are in this sphere. I may not be able to communicate with you other than to shout or wave but it remains a sphere of influence. Accordingly, this is why when we seek to hoover somebody we may not be able to speak directly with them but we can position ourselves stood across from your house on the other side of the street or waiting across the square from where you leave work.
The third sphere of influence is our reach through our coterie and our lieutenants. Whether these people are our friends (inner or outer circle), colleagues, minions or family, if they operate as our lieutenants or our coterie they form part of a sphere of influence. If you speak to these people (therefore operate in their first sphere) or they see you or you see them (therefore in the second sphere) you are caught within my third sphere of influence. Rest assured that news of your appearance in the spheres of my lieutenants and my coterie will be relayed to me. This may be in person, by telephone, text or e-mail message, but the news will reach me. This also allows me to send information to you by proxy as my coterie and lieutenants tells you about what I am doing, who I am with and so on and so forth.
The fourth sphere of influence is our reach through the telephone. I do not mean by text messages or FB messenger but actually speaking on the telephone. Whilst we may be thousands of miles from you, unseen and not physically proximate at all, the fact you are speaking to us allows us to extend our reach in an effective way through the use of the telephone. Facetime and Skype and similar applications fall within this sphere as well.
Next there is the fifth sphere of influence which manifests through the sending of text messages, e-mails, letters, notes wrapped around bricks thrown through your window, smoke signals etc. There is no actual speaking to one another. There is no third party involved. There is no physical proximity. This is the fifth sphere.
Finally, there is the sixth sphere of influence which is my mind. You may pop up in my mind for no reason whatsoever. It might be I hear a song which reminds me of you or I walk past where you used to live and I reminded of you. In all other respects I have deleted you from my mind post discard or post escape but then something happens, either triggered by something or just a random recall and there you are, in my mind and in my thoughts and therefore you have entered the sixth sphere of influence.
Following your escape or your discard we will operate all five of these spheres in an attempt to hoover you. Once you appear in any or all of these spheres of influence this will encourage us to effect a hoover (bearing in mind other factors as well which I will detail on a separate occasion). Thus if you have been effecting no contact and then I see you on a bus travelling along the high street, you have entered my second sphere of influence. You have come to my attention. You are on my radar. This may cause me to wave at you and get your attention or run along the road to catch up with the bus and board it so I can bring you into my first sphere. I may be minded then to make efforts to contact you in some other fashion, but the fact you have sailed close to me, appeared in my sphere does two things.
One, it alerts me to you. I may have been distracted with other sources of fuel but you entering my sphere of influence makes you game for a hoover.
Two, it awakens the mixture in you, that addictive quality that we imbue in you through our nefarious seduction of you, which then causes various memories to awaken inside of you, thoughts and feelings which make you vulnerable to our overtures once again.
Thus we will then look to hoover you. We are reminded of you and this calls into mind the potent hoover fuel that is on offer. Secondly you are at a heightened risk of the hoover succeeding because of the effects of the mixture that lurks inside of you, placed there by us some time ago when we seduced you.
Sometimes we seek to draw you into our sphere of influence. If we wait around outside where we know you work, we are trying to draw you into our sphere of influence. More often however it is you that enters our sphere of influence, either deliberately or inadvertently.
For example, you may decide you need to return some of our property and you call round to drop it off. You have entered our first sphere of influence through this act and you will be hoovered. Alternatively, it is late at night and we are on your mind (but you are not on ours) and you cannot help but send a text asking us how we are doing. By doing this you have entered our fifth sphere of influence. Any step or act which brings you to our attention, whether in person, on the ‘phone, through others or through technology is you entering our sphere of influence and triggering a likely hoover.
You of course can influence how many of these spheres of influence operate with regard to you. Stay out of our way and ensure that we do not know where to find you and you will prevent spheres one and two from working. Ensure that you are never mentioned to our friends and that you avoid any contact with those who are our lieutenants and our coterie and you destroy the third sphere. Avoid that temptation to ring us and you destroy the fourth. Ensure you never message us, do not send e-mails or even an application request and the fifth sphere is countered. The only one which you have no influence over is the sixth sphere. You may just pop into our minds from time to time and there is nothing that you can do about that. You should draw some slight comfort however from the fact that post escape and post discard, if you have survived the initial grand hoover then there you will not pop into our minds that often. We will have eradicated you from our mind and be focusing on alternative sources of fuel. There remains a risk of a hoover (that is why we never truly go away) because of this sixth sphere of influence, but the risk is reduced. Liken the spheres to zones which if you stay out of you do not alert us to your presence and do not activate the mixture. Step inside one and you trigger the risk of a hoover for the reasons outlined above. Your aim to ensure that you remain free of post-discard and post-escape hoovers is to know these spheres of influence exist and to stay away from them. Of course we make it harder than you think to do so, but that is a different matter for discussion.
52 thoughts on “The Spheres of Influence”
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HG – my narcissist boyfriend (whom I love & want to stay with, despite everything) currently has me in a week-long absent silent treatment. I think he feels I’m not devoted enough to him – long story.
I would normally send numerous messages, apologizing & trying to put things right, then he would get back in touch after a while. Just as you have explained so well in your articles.
Recently though he has threatened break-up if I send too many messages again, since he says it makes him really angry?
So I am totally unsure what to do now. Your advice would be so much appreciated? xxxxx
1. Ascertain he is a narcissist.
2. If so, you obey the first golden rule of freedom – once you know, you go and you Get Out and Stay Out.
3. Implement the No Contact Regime.
4. Purge as detailed in Exorcism.
5. Reduce emotional thinking.
6. Build Logic Defences.
On the basis he is a narcissist, why stay with him? He will harm you. Would you sit in a bath and drop a toaster into it which is connected to the mains supply? No. Why? It is harmful. Your emotional thinking will cloud your thinking to maintain your engagement. I recommend you organise a GOSO consultation with me and I will assist you in achieving freedom.
Dear HG, thank you so much for your quick reply. I am 100% sure he is a narcissist given previous behavior (which has been ‘textbook’ as it were).
However I’m struggling to understand now why he would threaten me with break-up, if I message too much? I thought he enjoyed the attention as fuel. I would so much appreciate your insight into that question?
Is the best way to bring him back in touch to go silent on him myself? Or should I try to reach out & if so with what type of message?
Very many thanks again – Sarah S xxxxx
1. To control you.
2. Neither. Implement No Contact.
Ah thank you so much HG – it’s very useful to understand that it’s about control. So would you anticipate he will eventually return at end of silent treatment, rather than genuinely wanting to break up?
Ironically, the original argument was about me not messaging back quickly enough (in his view). Is this type of thing narcissists really dislike & would precipitate such an outburst to regain control?
So much appreciate your help in navigating through all this (to use your excellent yacht metaphor of earlier).
Sarah S – xxxxx
If the victim is IPPS, yes. If IPSS will do so if there is a Hoover Trigger and the HEC are met.
PS : I was thinking HG – that I might benefit from a private consultation with yourself to understand properly what is happening with the relationship? Then we could discuss the history & recent events in more detail than is possible on the blog.
I’m pretty sure I’m not ready to end things (implement GOSO) as yet, but I wondered if you were able to consult on the basis above as well?
Look forward to hearing from you further – xxxxx
Yes I can assist in that regard through consultation so you can convey to me far more detail which in turn enables me to assist you accurately.
Many thanks HG – I would very much like to proceed with the audio consultation. So I have made the payment through your Pay Pal link & look forward to hearing from you to arrange the date & time. Thanks so much again, you are helping me immensely in this difficult situation – xxxxx
I have e-mailed you.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
A good article as always.
But I have problems with the hoovers…
I have a question for you, the same is stupid, but I can not get clear or see what is an evil hoover.
I suppose it will be, to make some kind of provocation to enter in confrontation… And provoke emotional states.
Calling you names on the street, so you can jump up against him and tell him to fuck off… for example. Starting some kind of interaction with his victim.
Talking or saying or publishing some intimacy, some secret, or something embarrassing.
Or some evil that makes his victim react emotionally..
kill a poisoned dog, break your car or start a fire with you inside.
This is an attempted homicide, not a hoover.
Him: you’re a whore, a bad mother, an alcoholic. (in public)
Me: What are you talking about? As you keep talking, I’ve insulted myself, I’m filing a lawsuit against you. For insults and insults and faults to my honor. Sociópata, take your medication and leave me alone. (Attempted to give as little fuel as possible.) I don’t think I would be prepared at all for an evil hoover.
This bad example would be an evil hoover?….
And the benign hoovers, because to speak of time past golden age.
Courteous approaches, How long without seeing you, I’m very happy to be with you, there is so much to tell, because we do not have a coffee. I regret my attitude in relation, I have matured in this time …..
Is it this or is it that I throw a stone at your head
In my case, they were always benign and always, I don’t know why I had to be the person who returned to him. He was always willing to be the case. His ego prevented him from trying some kind of approach, you know, he is never wrong and the blame is always yours. So, because it was not his fault, he never made a move.
H.G. could you tell me if these are Hoovers, is that in my case my narcissist until now has always presented himself as an Angel. I have never experienced an evil hoover, I have to know that they are to be prepared.
What you have written is correct.
How does one initiate a no contact? How is one to deal with blackmail and threats? And in what way can we stop them from appearing outside our workplace/home?
Consult with me and read my book No Contact.
Hg, my MR ex fiancé has the drive through my town to get to the town his dad lives in. Is this a Hoover trigger? I am not sure if he has a new primary as I have been no contact.
It is.
Hg, please write about the sixth sphere and what has caused exes of yours to enter your sixth sphere.
Being reminded of them or the fact that they just pop into my thoughts as an intrusive thought from time to time.
Thank you HG! ExN delivers post/bills to my place addressed to me every month – not letters written by him. Does that make any difference about being in a sphere of influence?
Him seeing a letter addressed to you causes you to enter his sphere of influence. Him attending on your address does also.
Thank you, appreciate your invaluable input.
You are welcome.
HG: I think my comment got lost somewhere, but I would really appreciate your input. Which sphere does the delivery of post to my place put me in? Also, exN is able to contact me via email – so this is another sphere of influence as I understand, making it at least 2 (excluding the sixth), correct?
It is you entering the sphere. So if you mean a letter from him being delivered to you then the sphere of influence was already entered into earlier because this caused a Hoover Trigger, The Hoover Execution Criteria were met which resulted in the hoover which is the letter.
The fact of him being able to contact you via e-mail is a conduit. It is not entering into the sphere of influence purely by having access to that conduit.
Thank you! He delivers post/bills addressed to me every month – not letters written by him. But that doesn’t make a difference does it??
If ex N must deliver post to my home postbox every month but does not see me in person or talk to me would this be considered being in a sphere?
Yes because he is reminded of you by delivering the post.
Thanks. Thought so. Regretfully, I rejected a recent hoover and then ranted in a vitriolic email after being triangulated. Getting grand silent treatment now. But as delivering post puts me in a sphere should I be vigilant of future hoovers? For background info – was in a longterm relationship with ex N.
Yes you should be vigilant.
Thank you. So I should remain vigilant of potential future hoovers despite exN stating hatefully that he wants no contact with me whatsoever?? I don’t want to contact him, just so we’re clear.
Do not place any reliance on what he says, look to your own defences, Jess.
HG: Which sphere does the delivery of post put me in? Also, exN is also able to contact me via email – so this is another sphere I understand, making it at least 2 spheres (excluding sixth), correct?
HG: which sphere of influence does the delivery of post put me in? Also, exN is able to contact me via email – so this is another sphere as I understand, making it at least 2 spheres (excluding sixth), correct?
HG
So my question lies beyond this quick recap:
I escaped, removed myself from the 5 spheres, and have been essentially left alone. ( I don’t actually know if the narc is attempting to contact or reach me through any media because I have entirely new media accounts.) I escaped my narc, by deceiving said narc into thinking I was removed by outer sources when it was a choice. Narc did not recognize this reality until it was presented as a possibility by another. Narc in his own words to another believed me to be the most “malleable.” Where does this leave the narc in the sixth sphere? I am hoping that I am deemed irrelevant, but curious as to whether or not its irrelevant or a frustration of lost property.
I assume you were the IPPS. If you were and he has a new IPPS you are now deleted. He will not be hoovering you even if you (rarely) enter his mind. Once the new IPPS is devalued then the risk increases with regard to you being hoovered. You have proceeded effectively so far and therefore it appears you have reduced the risk to just being in the sixth sphere and also raising the hoover bar – the actual outcome will depend on the circumstances at the time there is a Hoover Trigger when you appear in the sixth sphere and if the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.
HP,
Update.
My narc moved within a mile of the school I chose to withdraw from. The place he last knew my whereabouts and somehow found my phone number though it has been changed 3 times since the last number he knew of. He called on what would have been our anniversary and a few times over the passing weeks from blocked numbers of course. My deletion is something that I can only hope for. I’ve continued my silence, but in recent events he began scouting the home of my family. Apparently many years passing with silence is not enough. It’s been more tolling than I would care to admit and the worst part is that though I have chosen to end this, he is the one who ultimately decides when it ends. So, what now?
Change your number again. Maintain your no contact. You can only then enter the sixth sphere and look to raise the hoover bar by shutting off the easy ways of contacting you – phone/text/social media – so this would only leave proxy, delivery to your address (if he knows it) and attendance at your address. I recommend you read No Contact for further information to bolster your no contact. If he manages to breach no contact and engages with you, give no fuel and withdraw as quickly as possible. Ultimately, though he may persist for some time, if he is getting no fuel, this will force him to look elsewhere.
Iv just hit a sphere of influence. Iv just seen him at a shop then he was forced to follow me in the car as we were going in the same direction
I have found keeping away and remaining outside of these spheres of influence, so much easier since I came to my senses after reading this blog. I realise that I have to keep reading though, as I don’t want to get complacent bearing in mind my track record to date…….I am only ever one smile away from trouble……… Diva
The heartbreaking part, for me, is that he doesn’t find it hard to not reach out to me, or that bittersweet memories don’t come into his recollection. That he will never think of me and say to himself, she was truly a great person. How fortunate I am to have known her. (As exes often do after time.)Instead, I never existed. As much as I feel like I don’t exist post-discard, I really never existed from Day 1 of the golden period.
Years ago before I knew what NPD was, my ex mid-ranger disengaged from me, but came back sniffing around when he got kicked out of his apartment. He got back in touch with me when he needed help paying the security deposit on his next apartment. Like the unwitting victim that I was, I helped him thus the “relationship ” began again. Which sphere of influence was that? Oh I know, it’s the I’m a pathetic loser sphere, so let me use you until I secure my next victim. So thankful to be rid of that abuser!
No mention of having a child together.
You have to have some form of contact with him.
True K.
It is often recommended to minimize contact to one means only (as may be required by court for visits). One means of communication reduces your exposure to their manipulation (preferred email or text–for written record on their communication that can be presented in court) and going grey rock to not give fuel. I believe HG has an article on this.
It’s very hard and complicated. I left my ex ( I never married him) with his 3 month old baby during a time where mothers had more custody rights. He didn’t pay child support and didn’t abide by visit rules. I had it documented. I left the state and told him if he tried to get visits I would go after him in court for child support. He stalked me for a long time but never tried to visit his son again. I then left the state in escape from stalking and threats.
my heart goes out to parents that are dealing with ex narcissists. And especially their kids!
I have a child with a narcissist ex. He hasn’t seen her for 3 months because he will only see her if the new supply is there and our daughter doesn’t want to meet her and her 3 small children. He left 6 months ago. Contact was fine until our daughter found out there was a new woman, this new woman was in his life nicely groomed ready for my discard. Contact now is going through court but only because I told him to hurry up with it. Dreading the first time he comes to pick her up. I want to smash his face in with something heavy but I know I just have to keep quiet as not to give him any supply
Thank you so much for posting this, HG!
I now know that the narc I dethroned is now spying on me using the second sphere of influence,
He now uses it to make me desperate so that I would message him; he wants me to beg him to come back to my life,, there’s no way I’m taking the bait!
Either way, he’s still spying on me but I don’t care!
#NeverMessWithAnEmpath #NarcAbuseDecoded
And… he’s back. Apparently my upcoming birthday fell in the sixth sphere.
I don’t even get a respectable Hoover. I get a “mistext” about fantasy football meant for MD instead of ML. He is so transparent and smug.F*ck. F*ck.F*ck.F*ck….
Hi MLA,
I’m sorry JN is back 😔How are you holding up? I know it’s challenging when NC is new. Thinking of you. What a nark turd 💩!
Hugs 🤗
Indy
They are really subtle aren’t they?
Clarece
That is crappy! That’s the type of Hoover to laugh about what a loser he is! He may see it as smug, but that’s because he’s stupid. I mean, like you said- he’s transparent. He thinks he’s so much more than he really is. But you can see thru him because he’s dumber than you are. Keep that in the front of your mind. You are smarter than he is. You understand him better than he does himself! When he tries to trick you in stupid ways like this, don’t let it upset you – laugh to yourself at his predictable stupidity.
Happy bday by the way! Is yours Saturday or Sunday? Mine is Sunday. I’ll be the big 60. I would say that will make me officially old, but my kids assure me I’ve already been that for some time! 😝😝😝
Happy Birthday to you both, MLA and Windstorm ❤️🌹🎈