Crumbs of Conversational Comfort


We are experts at providing crumbs of comfort. This is because it is a necessary form of manipulation which has to be utilised as part of plate-spinning activities. As a consequence of the differing fuel matrices which we create, we have a vested interest in keeping certain of our appliances ‘in the game’. Remember, we like to conserve our energy so we have more available for the carrying out of our manipulations over different appliances and therefore at certain stages in the dynamic, we do not want to be forced to apply much or all of our energies towards one appliance, leaving us deficient in respect of the others. We want to keep several people in our fuel matrix because of the need for fuel and also with one eye on what is ahead of us.

When we first seduce our appliances we invariably treat them to a banquet., a feast, a sumptuous meal at Restaurant Narc. This is no drive-thru quicky, no fizzy water and sandwich grab from a street vendor, but a Bacchanalian indulgence of several courses with no expense spared as we cause you to gorge on our largesse, our charm and our illusion. Of course this feast will vary dependent on the type of appliance that we have invited to dine with us and in order of sumptuous extravagance, the pecking order is as follows:-

  1. Candidate IPSS
  2. Embedded IPSS
  3. Shelf IPSS
  4. Dirty Secret IPSS
  5. NISS (Colleague or Friend)

Familial NISSs are already seduced by reason of familial connection. If they have been pushed out into the cold and they must be brought back into the fold, they are treated as if they are a colleague or friend NSS. Tertiary Sources are given something delicious but quick to consume and it does not matter whether they want more or not, the main thing is that what they are given in the instant works for us.

Of those categories at 1-5, the common thread is that they are all treated to a delicious, enticing and magnificent feast which draws them in. It is all impressive and gets more and impressive as one climbs the rankings. This means that the recipients get used to the extent of this feast, how amazing it tastes, how delicious it feels to be at our table and becoming full on such wonderful treats and delicacies. This is how we cultivate the addiction to us, by feeding you such sensational dishes that you keep wanting more. You become used to the sensation of being almost satiated, your senses brought to life by what we deliver and you want to keep dining with us forever and a day.

Of course these delicacies which we send your way give the appearance of being fulfilling but ultimately are not, but you do not notice and instead you want to keep tasting them and therefore once we decide that we no longer need to keep providing you with these feasts, we instead opt to give you the crumbs of comfort.

These are little reminders of what you once had, to get the tastebuds firing again, to cause the saliva to flow, to stimulate the memory of those amazing sensations so you want them all the more and with each crumb you are conned into thinking that it will lead a trail to the groaning table of scintillating tastes once more. These crumbs of comfort are designed to keep you in the game, maintain your interest, stop you losing hope, ensure that you remain bound and loyal to us. Since they are crumbs, they are low maintenance for us, hardly taking any effort or energy at all, but since you are hooked on the taste from when we seduced you, once you allow one crumb to enter your mouth, the desire returns, the memories of delicious tastes and sensations loom large and you want more. You are given another crumb, then another, just enough to keep you from looking elsewhere and just enough to ensure you remain interested in us.

The rise of technology has really caused the conversational comfort crumbs to come into their own. Whilst they can be offered on the telephone or in person, that tends to result in the narcissist being placed under more pressure and their control is eroded to some extent. Instead, most comfort crumbs will be provided through text message, through e-mail or social media message. This allows the narcissist to retain control, compose an appropriate message and it is easier to sneak out a comfort crumb via text than speak with the relevant appliance in certain scenarios.

How then might these comfort crumbs operate with the five categories of appliance detailed above?

NISS (Colleague/Friend)

The comfort crumbs for this category do not need to be used extensively because the level of expectation is not as high. The colleague or friend will only engage with the narcissist periodically and therefore if the narcissist perceives there is a risk that the relevant NISS is drifting, he can throw out a few conversational crumbs and shortly thereafter deliver the ‘meal’ again. Delivery of this meal – namely time with the narcissist – is not a major expenditure of energy since it may just be an evening every month or so, the NISS does not make extensive demands and therefore all the narcissist needs to do is send a message such as

“Not caught up for a while – let’s have lunch next week.”
“Hey, not heard from you in a while, how do you fancy a game of squash a week on Thursday”

“How are you doing? We need to catch up over drinks. Pretty bombed until the 25th, how does that suit you. 7pm yes?”

“We haven’t talked about your promotion prospects recently. Let’s have a breakfast meeting beginning of next month. Please arrange with my secretary.”

“We should look at new marketing opportunities. How about we do so over lunch in a fortnight?”

Note there is the fixing of the ‘meal’ in the future and this crumb of comfort, letting the appliance know the narcissist still values them. This crumb will draw a fuelled response, keep the appliance interested and the narcissist does not have to expend much energy through the crumb nor the eventual ‘meal’.

Dirty Secret IPSS

The Dirty Secret may be content to hold this position or may be content for the time being with an expectancy of being brought forward in the narcissist’s world, to meet friends, be seen with the narcissist in public, meet family and so forth. The DS IPSS provides frequent bursts of fuel through clandestine meetings with the narcissist and therefore the narcissist will find maintenance of this element of the fuel matrix reasonably easy because it is a short-notice demand to meet at a hotel, in a car park, in a bar and the time involved will not be extensive.

Nevertheless, if the narcissist is occupied with other appliances in his fuel matrix (usually the IPPS but possibly an IPSS and NISSs) and is not able to meet up with the Dirty Secret he does not want them going off the boil and therefore he will ensure that she is kept interested with comfort crumbs.

“Last time was amazing, I don’t know how you do it, cannot wait for the next time.”

“We have to meet soon, I am going crazy without you.”

“When we next meet I am going to treat you to an afternoon at that new hotel we were speaking about.”

“Things are hectic at the moment, but I am trying to get things boxed off so we can have at last an overnight stay together, just as I promised.”

Note how we are enthusiastic about the Dirty Secret, praising them, stating how they deserve to be treated well or given more time, but there is no commitment to when this will happen. This is because the demands of the DS are greater than the NISS and given that infidelity is taking place, the ability to commit is not as clear. The comfort crumbs will be thrown around more liberally to entice the DS but there will not be a commitment.

Shelf IPSS

It is this category of appliance which suffers the most with regards to the provision of these conversational comfort crumbs. This is because the Shelf IPSS is picked up and put down, is regarded largely in a favourable light with an extended golden period, is not often devalued (and if so it is a short lived Corrective Devaluation) and the narcissist has made a significant investment in this person and wants the return on that investment.

The narcissist does not want to lose the IPSS and have to find another but when the narcissist is spending time with a different IPSS or is engaged in spending time with the IPPS (be that devaluation or more likely a Respite Period) the relevant IPSS will be placed on the shelf. Predictably, this person will be wanting to know when they can see the narcissist when they are next getting together. They may know about the IPPS but be concerned that the narcissist is spending time with the IPPS.

Note that these comfort crumbs are not used when the narcissist is first seducing this person to make them an IPSS but they are used when the IPSS is placed on the shelf and is angling to see more of the narcissist. The narcissist will use a vast array of conversational comfort crumbs with the IPSS – some will use charm, some seek sympathy or pity, other seeks understanding and others threaten. Examples will include

“Really busy at work at present, but I will call as soon as I am free.”

“Tied up with the children, so will be in touch tomorrow.”

“Schedule is packed for the next ten days,. I am dying to see you but we will just have to be patient.”

“I will tell her but now is not the right time, her father is ill and this has to be done properly, I know you will agree because you are understanding and I thank you for that.”

“I just need to get these next few weeks out of the way and then we can be together. There is no point in rushing it and causing more trouble than necessary is there?”

“I cannot make it tonight. I have to go to this family dinner. I wish you were coming with me though.”

“Look, there is no point getting worked up about this now, I am in the middle of a huge deal. I cannot talk. I have told you this and why are you risking fucking it all up? I said I will sort it and I will, but you have to give me time.”

“When I get through this period we will have a weekend away. I promise. You know it is you that I want, but I need to know I can count on you at this difficult time.”

“You know I have always delivered and the one time where I am under pressure, you start adding to it. I did not think you were like that. Look, I will check my schedule and make some time for us. Let me do that and we can have a good talk when we see one another.”

“Every night I lie there thinking about you and when we can finally be together.”

“I cannot wait for the time I come home and find you there waiting for me. I know we will make it happen together.”

“If you tell her about us, I will never speak to you again and you and only you will bring down this wonderful thing that you and I have together. Please do not do that, you will destroy me and destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Once again these comfort crumbs come with no set time for delivery, no firm and definite time periods but they are designed to keep the IPSS hanging on. There are thousands of different ways that they are phrased and it is the IPSS who finds themselves in the role of Permanently In Waiting, kept interested from these crumbs but never finding their way to the table again, either at all or for some time.

Sometimes there might be a pile of crumbs provided whereby the narcissist engages in a telephone call or skype call instead of meeting up. This will be used to maintain interest, gain fuel and exert control.

The comfort crumb is used as a benign method of control because the narcissist does not want to use harsh and malign methods of asserting control for fear of losing a valuable appliance.

The Embedded IPPS

The comfort crumbs operate in a different way with the embedded IPPS. None of course are needed during their seduction or their embedded stage of the golden period. They will see plenty of the narcissist then.

The comfort crumbs will be doled out during the devaluation of the IPPS for the purposes of keeping them in place so that more negative fuel can be extracted whilst the narcissist works on prospective Candidate IPSSs (either finding them or seducing them).

It is likely (although not always the case) that the IPPS will live with the narcissist and therefore the comfort crumbs will be linked to finding a way to sort things out, achieving a resolution and such like.

“I think we need to sit down and talk things through when things are less hectic.”

“We can sort this mess out. I am determined to do so, but it has to be done at the right time.”

“I just want things to be the way they were.”

“I want us to resolve these problems, but there are too many distractions at the moment. Let me know when we can do this.”

“I will talk to you about our problems but now is not a good time. You know how busy I am with work.”

“We have to see what can be done, but you need to make some changes first for me to see before I can consider how me move forward.”

Again these are vague and amorphous and are designed to be. There is no true intent to resolve the issues but instead these comfort crumbs are provided to enable the victim to think that resolution (something an empathic person relies on and hopes for) is achievable and that the golden period can be returned to.

The Candidate IPSS

The Candidate IPSS is not given comfort crumbs because this appliance is in the ascendancy towards being crowned as IPPS and therefore they will be subjected to the bombardment that is love-bombing.

What have been your crumbs of comfort from the narcissist you entangled with?


119 thoughts on “Crumbs of Conversational Comfort

  1. Luvr99 says:

    I think I’m definitely a DSIPSS. We are both married. He found me online and got intimate very quickly. Then he stopped with the intimacy but texted me short texts everyday for months now. Sometimes a photo, sometimes a short voice note. He’s in another state, but sometimes comes to my state and wants to see me when he’s here. I saw him for a short meet up that ended in the car. He’s hard to pin down and always seems to change plans. Now he’s back home. He still texts me everyday, but they are really short messages usually saying how busy he is and sorry he didn’t have time to text me earlier, but then I see he’s been on social media lol. I don’t bother texting him because I don’t want to put much energy into him. But I always text him back. I see his game, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. Am I on the shelf? Why does he contact me everyday to say pretty much very little?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Luvr99, in order to provide you with a detailed answer which you deserve, I need more information from you about your situation and therefore I would recommend that you organise an audio consultation with me

  2. Patrick Bateman says:

    I’m not sure on my position due to living in different parts of the world, recently i visited her (narcissist) and it put the ipps into brief devaluation (she didn’t talk with him over breakfast)after i spent a night with her.. Then as i left the country they are now enjoying the golden period again. She says I’m good but not for her (i can’t live in her country)
    So i am experiencing very low levels of crumbs of comfort.
    Does it Make sense HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He was in devaluation hence she spend the night with you, not the other way around.

  3. Fuel on the Shelf says:

    “Really busy at work at present, but I will call as soon as I am free.”

    “Schedule is packed for the next ten days,. I am dying to see you but we will just have to be patient.”

    “Look, there is no point getting worked up about this now, I am in the middle of a huge deal. I cannot talk. I have told you this and why are you risking fucking it all up? I said I will sort it and I will, but you have to give me time.”

    I heard some example of all of these nearly verbatim except for some slight tweaking…..

    However these were posted as Shelf IPSS examples and not DLS. I fit all the other criteria for DLS. What gives? Is there some looping back and forth between Shelf IPSS and DLS are they basically the same thing? I feel like I am stuck between both but never really sure which one. It is possible to be….both?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No they are not the same thing, but a DLS is treated in a shelf manner also.

  4. K says:

    After reading this, I am fairly certain that I started out as DS IPSS and transitioned into candidate IPSS. God, it was wonderful! I try not to think about it. (wistful)

    1. Steven says:

      It’s more often than not upon reading one of H.G.’s Articles, some kind of revelation, enlightening, and new awareness is bestowed upon our conscious mind. It wakes memories, times of confusion, and occasionally makes sense of some past traumatic, unexpected, and usually brutal experience you suffered though. I personally started out as an IPPS, and held that position for most of 2 years. Then came the discard, and all the horrors associated with that devaluation, smearing , and I was hoovered, back and became something in-between the IPPS, and the IPSS. I was lost in that insanity for 2 years. Currently my status is DS IPSS. As year 4 approaches, I have made waves, challenged my Status, and now knowing what I’m dealing with, am curious what the outcome is going to be. It certainly helps to have become knowledgeable and aware of what I have been dealing with all this time. I suppose the first question is “why haven’t I gotten away”? The simple answer is my mind knows it’s time to leave; my heart is still not ready. Thats what struck me about your statement: “God it was wonderful”. Existing, as DS IPSS, and a shelved embedded IPSS. Has it’s pluses, and minuses. I’m changing up the game, to see what happens.
      I’ll keep you in the loop!

  5. Hope says:

    During his silent treatments, he used to send me these weird little texts that’d say “are you okay?” or sometimes, just “hey u ok?.” I’d answer him & he wouldn’t answer back.
    That was actually his downfall, because it made me start researching silent treatments, which led me into articles about breadcrumbs.
    Made me realize what I was dealing with, so I ended things.

    Too bad I hadn’t found your blog just yet, HG – because my ending things blew up in my face with his fury & subsequent smear.

    If I’d been reading your writings – would’ve know just to block him and go no contact. And not say a word to him about it. Would’ve avoided a hell of a lot of stress on my end.

    Glad I found you shortly after that incident, though.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The point is you know now Hope.

  6. ajo says:

    I’d like to hear from you guys who have seen your narc discard the IPPS he cheated on you with… Did you feel any relief? I feel like I am holding my breathe….waiting until I hear he cheated on her or she figured him out and left. Like there is still a part of me that wonders if it was me..that I wasn’t enough. That maybe she is gonna be the “one”. My logic knows a relationship built on lies will fall. They are 6 months in. So stupid. My brain knows better, but you know what the narcs do to your heart. And the fall from the pedestal…its a hard fall. I was never devalued until after the break up and I found out he had cheated and was with another woman. Now I am “psycho ex girlfriend”. Also, I have met and spoken to the women before me. I know his pattern. However, there’s just something about the one who replaced YOU.
    I’ve had four dreams that I tried to speak to her and she was very mean to me. In real life, I’ve heard she is a sweet person. I’m curious what my dreams mean.
    Anybody have this happen? Relief from seeing the new IPPS out of the picture?
    and Dr. Harleen…I love your attitude. I feel like you are the core of who I am. I am a confident woman and in every other situation I don’t put up with anyone’s sh*t. But I slept with the creep and bought his promises hook line and sinker. Gross.

    1. Jenna says:

      Ajo, when my ex acquired a new niss (candidate ipps for marriage) i used to become jealous. I hid my jealousy at first because she was ‘just a friend.’ After a few months, he started cancelling on her too. I know this because he texted her right in front of me that he didn’t feel like meeting that day. Stupid me, i encouraged him to meet her, and that it’s not nice to cancel last minute. So he texted her again that evng that he’ll meet her after all.
      A yr later, she was still texting him every night. I became v jealous by then. I therefore began telling him that she’s unattractive and overweight, which she is. If he acknowledges her over me, i would ask him why. He hated me questioning him. This happened approx 3x in the 2nd yr of their friendship. Finally, he couldn’t take my arguing anymore so he shelved her. I know this to be true also because i asked her abt it. A wk later he and i were kissing and cuddling.

      1. Jenna says:

        Correction: a wk later we were not kissing and cuddling (sorry, memory lapse; everything is a blur now). By then, i had distanced myself enuf frm him not to be intimate again. I just wanted acknowledgement.

      2. Yolo says:


        You are so sweet, I cringed when you said you accept his behavior because of your disorder.

        You are so much more than your disorder. That creep doesn’t deserve you on any level friend, confidante, lover, or foe. Love yourself more than him. He’s incapable of love. Don’t play the games. I promise if you block his number you will be okay. The panic attacks, depression and anxiety have very little to do with him than with self.I know you care for H.G. don’t allow his work to be in vain. In your fragile state NO CONTACT is the only way.

        The universe will forgive you of you delete him out of your life. Hugs and More Hugs

        1. Jenna says:

          Yolo, hehe u called him a ‘creep’! I can’t stop laughing as i’ve never thought of that word for him. I’ve called him an ‘a-hole, jerk’ but never ‘creep.’ He has never called me names tho.

          In fact, when i told him to ‘f*%k off’ once, he took a screenshot and saved it lollll! He said he’ll show it to me in a few months, but he never did.

          Don’t worry, i know how to deal w him now. I didn’t b4. I reply to him nicely when i need him or when i fear depression, and i reply w delays and half-heartedly when i don’t.

          Once we know their behavior frm learning here, it’s not difficult to teach them a lesson if they stray. I’ve done it in the past – long story. But it would be difficult to do so w a greater. And w hg, it would b impossible as he is the greatest greater!

          Thanks for ur comment. Let’s go shopping sometime! 😀

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      His relationship will fail… everything will fail…

      You will see…

      Besides it’s only a matter of time before he cheats on her…

      He will do the same shit over and over expecting different results…

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Some of the most confident people can be worn down by narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. I was one of them because I was made to feel I was needy when I was reasonable. I require a lot of attention in a relationship and I was putting up with the craziest of shit. I look back on it now and think wow how did I let that nobody treat me like that? I had to look inside myself and really see where all this bullshittery came from. When you know your strengths and your weaknesses and how they can be exploited it’s harder for people to take advantage of you. I’m also a lot stronger than I was in the past … in a different way. I don’t make up excuses for people anymore and if their shit is impacting me to the point it’s bringing me down …. I’m out…

      I don’t make myself as emotionally available to anyone anymore. I try to think …. would this person do it for me? When I see or feel something shady or not right I leave or distance myself.

      I will never fucking ever let this shit happen to me again. You either give me what I want and respect me or you can go fuck yourself.

      I came back to myself again…after five years of being somebody else. I never wanna go back there. I couldn’t be myself in any way. I don’t know how I did it. I now see how it really started – I was damaged from the narcissist before. I had met a lot of crazy men – even sociopathic and psychopathic men but this shit …. I had never experienced it was truly bizarre.

      The first narc was an old friend of mine from when I was a teenager. I never considered him but he tried to bang me on one occasion and then tried for a relationship with me. He was addicted to alcohol, adderall, lorazapam I swear he was never sober. He was so boring and he gave me no attention. All we did was have sex and it wasn’t even good sex – I did it to pass the time. He would fall asleep on the phone with me – or while I was talking to him -something I have never fuxking experienced in my life. Everything and I mean everything was my fault – he misperceived everything I said….

      His ex showed up at his apartment once while we were dating crying and o thought she was nuts and granted she is a crazy bitch but I see now how he drives women nuts. He drove me crazy! I remember the cops being called on us in his upper west side apartment building because of the screaming and yelling.

      Check this out … he didn’t have a bathroom door… because he broke it down when his ex tried to kill her self and he never replaced it…

      When he would get mad at me he would do this weird thing and go in the shower and lay in the tub in fetal position with the shower running on him – the ducking weirdest thing ever….

      He would say basically how boring I was because i wasn’t into video games or building computers ….

      After we broke up a year later he came back and I broke my wrist And i was seeing my most recent ex narc….the narc before my ex was telling me I should come over and waned to try again and I was thinking oh hell fuxking no… he also knew I had a broken wrist and wanted me to come over to take care of his sprained toe – there are so many stories with that one

      The point is that when I was ready for a healthy relationship I ended up getting into a crazy one with the first narc who I knew since high school and then that primed me for the next… I was so desperate for anything to crave because I was so bored and dead inside and wanted motivation to leave that first relationship I fixated on my ex narc the one who is probably bi or gay…

      I’ve been worn down and I’m back now lmao I know what happened to me and I would never let that shit fly again – I’m too fed up and I know my worth they can suck it …

      1. ajo says:

        Doc Harleen,

        You speak TRUTH. Especially the bit about being made to feel needy when you were just being reasonable. My ex bf narc would even admit my wants were reasonable, but he would play such a f’ing victim, like he had an excuse to not live up to them because he was so sad, broken, beat down, busy etc. So then I felt like a needy gf just for expecting the man to have integrity, love me well and give me attention when I needed it. The guy dumped me of course during a rough time in my life when I felt like a failure at my job and a man who was like a father to me was dying. He dumped me the day after I visited my dying friend for the last time. They CANNOT handle helping others through a rough patch. It takes the attention away from them and depletes them. He could give amazing, sound logical advise and then he was DONE talking. And of course he doesn’t live by the same advice his dishes out. My ex husband was the same way. Such wisdom in guiding others, but can’t get his shit together to save his life. He has to have a “mom” to lead him around.

        It took the crazy narc boyfriend (who is way more of a psychopath that my ex husband. My ex hus was a total victim and just dumb. He wasn’t near as calculated and never cheated) for me to realize that my mother is a narc as well. All my narcs have been midrangers. I love a victim…I get a weird satisfaction from helping others. I’m a nurse. (as I am sure you do too given your profession) My childhood wounds keep me attached to these suckers. I never reached my “fuck it” moment with the bf, though I was getting close. I totally did with the ex husband and ended up cheating on him twice, which ended the marriage.

        They do wear you down, but little by little. Like a slow simmer to boil. The only thing that still hurts now is the rejection and replacement. That’s why I asked if there is relief when they replace the one that replaced you. I don’t wish ruin on him. I believe too strongly on Karma. But, I wish he would reap what he sows to the point that it will wake him up to how he is hurting others. himself and his children. There is a real human being in there somewhere. But, you’re the Doc. You probably know better than anyone that it isn’t often that they come to that point.

        HQ, have you noticed that they get worse with time? Do they seem to take more risks and cycle quicker? I feel that’s the case with mine. Maybe he has other accompanying illnesses with his NPD. He did try and hang himself at 13 while on anti-depressants.

      2. Jean says:

        Omg. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. I too, went 5 years with two narcs. Oh my the fights over his sister in law! His old weird sister in law that was in love with him. She looks like a troll doll. The insanity. I stayed around because I felt, oh well, nothing better to do right now. There were all kinds of circus like shenanigans! Him a bone spur, then sciatic nerve pain and me, I started to have zero patience with his immature family and his hiding me from his circles. I had strange women confront me out of the blue saying what a good good man he was to them. Lo!. The one I was with, for 4 years, broke up with me 20 times! I ended up screaming fork off to a few of his disciples. I ended up not really caring about him. I played along after the first two years until I thought just be alone for awhile and rest. I got worn down too and had to save my self. Thank you😄. PS News flash, people like me don’t really end up caring about the narc smear campaign. They, the narc, are the ones who should care. Most people see it. The ones that don’t , don’t matter. My friends and family were glad to see him go away.

  7. narc affair says:

    The crumbs im so used to but after awhile you want the whole meal again and start to demand it. Twice now ive walked away bc of being shelved and fed crumbs and i called him out on it. I told him i needed more and if he couldnt provide then we needed to reassess the relationship and either take a break or change it to friendship status. He of course knows if the status changes so does his fuel from me. As friends thered be much less of it and not nearly as potent. I also told him if we ever change to friend status there wont be anything sexual in the nature if our relationship bc i dont like being played with and led on. He of course threw me a meal again and im presently dining ive finished my main course and most of my dessert and now we will see if i go hungry again. My crumbs were thrown back in july so it shouldnt be long til my stomachs growling from lack of food. Its a cycle and once youre in it long enough you get to see it for what it is…a cycle. They cant be in 20 places evenly at once so part of their juggling is throwing crumbs to feed their appliances and keep them hanging on even tho theyre malnourished. I predict by about october ill be back where i was july possibly november. Narcs love to recycle people so they use an appliance for awhile then shelf them to use another bc they dont feel love its easy to do this. Crumbs equal hope and hope is what the narc builds up.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      For me…

      I think the crumbs used to work for me when I was younger but now because I’m so much more experienced and have no patience for it.

      I would continue to go on with my life and do what I have to do because it’s the only way…

      I really don’t have any patience and I require A LOT of attention and if someone can’t keep up I’m going to get it from someone else.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi Dr. H…i think if i were single id be the same way in that if they werent fully there for me id see right thru it and carry on to someone who would. This has taught me a lot about what i dont want in a relationship. My situation is different and i know this wont amount to a true formal relationship to build anything substantial on but the emotional component is there and i do love the narc regardless if he feels love for me. Sad but true. It is a relief seeing him for what he is and knowing what im dealing with. Knowledge is power.

    2. amanda SNapchat says:

      what happens when you date someone when the narc is giving u crumbs?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I assume you mean you are dating someone other than the narcissist. If they learn of this dating it will either wound the narcissist or result in Challenge Fuel.

  8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Also don’t get stuck in over kill or crazy power mode…

    Once you deliver a blow you need to leave …leave the room, house, relationship, conversation….

    I made this mistake last night I got caught up in my power trip and bam the roles were switched and I was like damn it all because I couldn’t just walk away… it’s never enough….

    Learn from my mistakes lmao 😂

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      The importance of doing all of the things I mentioned with a calm and cool head is crucial or you get overly emotional and it all turns to shit…


      Or cold fury….

      Those are the two settings that work the best in these situations….

      I am prone to a fiery anger… and I get overly emotional…. I’ve been practicing channeling that energy in other ways …

      Reframing my thoughts and remembering it’s important to be effective ……

      I focus on being effective and not emotionally letong go at the wrong time…

      I’m a work in progress… lmao

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Try your hardest to not fuck them. Keep those legs closed unless you can deal with them Banging other people…

    Some people can and others cannot.

    Some people sort of can as long as they have a few other men they are juggling.

    1. ;peace out says:

      as they say, you can’t spell rape without ape

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Pity Scunthorpe then.

    2. narc affair says:

      Yup sex is the clincher…my narc uses this tool so very well. My last disengagement in july i told him we should just be friends and this got him back into the semi golden period. I say semi bc it never is agajn the way it was in the beginning. They resent being cornered into doing anything so im sure my devaluement is on the horizon smh. Sex has been his way to love link me. Women attach with sex but most men are able to have sex and keep it seperate from attachment.

    3. ANK says:

      Dr HQ

      Good advice.

      I could deal with him fucking his wife, but I couldn’t deal with him fucking the new DE IPPS.

      Legs were closed where he was concerned and maybe that’s why he didn’t bother to text anymore. No gains.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I was like that with one of the guys I had an affair with. It didn’t bother me as much cause I knew where he was and who he was with.

  10. ;peace out says:

    my real response got lost in transmission 😉

  11. ;peace out says:

    “distracted with a court case”
    “not in a good mood but i’m happy for you, you stupid slave on a stick”
    “just about to get on a plane to… (wherever)”
    “they’re vermin, we should just bomb them”

    well, at least he was being himself.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      “You stupid slave on a stick?”

      Wow ……………

      He is gonna piss off the wrong person and I would love to be there when he does lmao…

      1. ;peace out says:

        Oh, my very antisocial-sadistic-somatic is a walking disaster.

        i’m out of reach now, but he seems to want me to know that he will make it, so i get updates: info crumbs, malignant hoovers and future fakes all in one.

  12. SuperXena says:

    ….Here I go is just me the one that detects it( IPPS v.s.IPSS) or is it just me the one that needs to comment it? Or have I misunderstood?

    HG..shouldn’t it be ?:

    1. Candidate IPPS( instead for IPSS)
    2. Embedded IPPS(instead for IPSS)
    Thank you..

  13. MyTrueSelf says:

    I had a very visceral reaction to this post. I felt physically sick as I read it. I was IPPS and I realise I have been a fed a diet of those ‘crumbs’! There never were any real, concrete actions or genuine feelings to back up anything that he told me. All smoke and mirrors. But I believed it. I believe in keeping ones word, following through with what I say I’m going to do and I believed he was a decent person and would do the same. He his lack of follow-through with “I love you”, ” I want to be with you for the rest of my life”. And when I asked him about how we are going to do that I was told ” I don’t make plans, I’m not a planner” and ” I feel you are manipulating me, now”
    I was never so wrong about someone.

    1. Jenna says:

      Mytrueself, my ex said the same😖
      … that he doesn’t make plans. ‘I don’t know what i’m going to do tmrw, how can i tell u abt the future.’
      Ummm, but u told me abt the future b4. Oh ya, it was lies. I forgot.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        He does what he wants when he feels like it.

        Disappear with no warning or simply return the favor lol.

        1. Jenna says:

          Doc, i commented in another article but i’ll comment here too. He texted me this morning after 3 wks. (Usually, he texts after 2 wks.) I replied enthusiastically ‘nice to hear frm u!’ (as we decided to remain friends last yr). His reply to that – 2 words: ‘yea, thanks.’

          I feel hurt all over again. Yet i can’t block him. I hate to admit it but i’m still attached to him. His intimacy was of significance to me. With my other 2 exes, i was the one who eventually ended it, but both of them still contact me. I stay in touch w one of them but i’m not in love w him any longer. He says he’s still in love w me tho. W ex narc, tho i originally ‘escaped’, i was still in love w him. Omg, he just texted me again as i write this. I’m scared to check it.

        2. Jenna says:

          Ok i just checked it. He texted: ‘omg don’t say that’ to which i just replied ‘why?’

          I wonder what i said that wounded him. I try not to wound him.

        3. Jenna says:

          Got my answer. ‘U should be good already.’
          Last yr, he told me that if somebody loves him, he feels like he is not free. I think that’s what he’s feeling – like i am still attached to him, and he doesn’t like it. Maybe i am still attached, but much less than i used to be.
          Hg, i thought narcs want the previous ipps to remain attached? Mine doesn’t. He doesn’t feel free.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        You may not have reached your fuck it all moment. I know the type of texts you are referring to and they are irritating.

        Next time he texts you – let’s try this .. because ur not ready to completely ghost and cut… what you should do is give simple neutral replies.

        “Good stuff”



        Something short and blah.

        Next time ignore a message

        You don’t have to ignore all of them just ignore him for a day when he messages you …

        Then you can answer the next day or something.

        If you have an iPhone make sure u start typing in it and erasing shit so the bubbles come up and then the final reply is somethign neutral.

        If he starts talking engage him a little make sure u are the one to leave the conversation first. You are indirectly stating that you are in control of the conversation.

        Small steps if you can’t take the leap.

        He gives nothing he gets nothing.

        Laziness is unacceptable.

        These two word replies….lol

        Like that’s going to be enough….

        Who the hell do these people think they are?

        You will start to detach if you allow yourself space …. and then the more time goes by you start to think how the fuck did I let this nobody treat me this way…???

        When u have reached ur fuck it moment u will know… everyone has their own

        1. Jenna says:

          Doc, i was the one who ended the convo yesterday. I said ‘i have to go ttyl’ because it was getting tiresome to keep the conversation flowing at such a high energy level. Here is the stupid part- i also said ‘loved chatting w ya!’
          Lol! What’s my prblm?
          U know what it is? I am protecting myself frm panic attacks and depression. If i don’t hear frm him in 2-3 wks i start feeling sad and walk around the house quietly, not talking much etc. I want to keep him engaged and not fear contacting me. B4, i used to talk ALOT abt the past during our texting sessions. He used to try and answer my questions but i kept drilling and drilling and eventually he said ‘let’s not talk abt the past anymore.’ I still didn’t listen and continued to ask questions abt the past. So he ended up withdrawing. He used to text every 1-2 wks max, but then it changed to once every 3 wks. He told me ‘we probably shouldn’t text much or else past keeps being brought up and reminds us of dark days.’ So i decided that if i want him in my life, i must stop myself frm talking abt the past. Also, i know he likes pple who make him laugh, so now i try to do that. I guess i did a good job yesterday. I pretended like he was a new person w no shared history while i chatted and entertained him. The advantage of this- he gets the type of fuel he likes, i get the monthly check-in which i like. He gets what he wants. I get what i want. Otherwise, i go nuts. I am borderline, co-dependent, and a fool. Lol!

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        That text already annoys me…

        Don’t you ever fuxking ever let someone tell you how you are feeling…(one time I will say don’t to someone lmao)

        “You should….” – my response in my mind: don’t tell me how to feel – shut ur useless mouth..

        “Don’t say…….” – My response in my mind: dare u to tell me again what I’m gonna say….

        He is not your master he is a peasant…

        That is yhe shit that’s infuriating ….

        My ex used to tell me how I was feeling…

        1. Jenna says:

          Doc, i didn’t even realize he was doing that until u pointed it out in the exact words. Wow! Ur right! I need to think abt this…

        2. Jenna says:

          I mean i knew he was telling me how i shud feel becoz hg pointed it out to me when i consulted him. But in this text, i didn’t realize it until u pointed it out. Damn! I wish it was easier for me to apply what i learn to other situations and texts.

          Follow up: he texted me a few hrs ago asking how my day is going. I guess he needed fuel (which i don’t mind as long as it’s positive fuel) so i chatted w him for abt 20 min entertaining him, telling him funny incidents etc. I made him happy. Wait they don’t get happy. I mean he was able to heal his wound.

      4. ANK says:


        Sorry to butt in. You are addicted to his text messages and hearing from him.

        That is exactly how I was. His texts started to become infrequent, weekly. and that would get me all depressed, I’d be tearful, anxious and then when I did bump into him, have panic attacks.

        I would chase him and text him.

        The texts became fortnightly, and there I was feeling anxious etc again. But I have reached the stage now where I have said ‘Fuck you, why am I chasing you when you don’t give a shit about me apart from when you want sex’. I stopped chasing. But boy do I have hate for him. So much hate for the lies, the betrayal, manipulation i clearly see.

        It’s so difficult to remove those emotions from within ourselves, especially the wanting because we all just wanted that one perfect/good love.

        I can’t get the thoughts of him out of my head, but I’m hoping to let go and accept that this may take a long time.

        It will be the same for you….. it will take time.

        1. Jenna says:

          Hi ANK! Nice to meet u!
          I get depressed if i don’t hear frm him every month. It used to be that i needed to hear frm him twice per wk, but not any longer. Also, i don’t chase him. Meaning, i don’t text him first. I reply to his texts only. But he texts me more often than that these days, so i just ignore the text until approx 6 hrs later or so. I also don’t meet him anymore physically and i am no longer intimate w him. He wanted to visit me but i refused.

        2. Jenna says:

          Ank, i just re-read my post. Above, it says i need to hear frm him every 2-3 wks. And now, i am saying that i need to hear frm him monthly. That is because i changed my mind yesterday. After yesterday’s text, where he was depressed again, confiding in me, i decided that once per month is enough lol!

    2. ajo says:

      Mine said he wasn’t a planner too!! And he totally is! That was referring to us talking about our future. He is super OCD about planning everything else in his life. Ugh.

    3. windstorm2 says:

      I’ve heard those way too many times – “Idon’t make plans. I feel you’re trying to manipulate me.”
      What kind of a loser never makes plans!?! What will you ever accomplish in life without plans?
      And he always said it like it made him superior. After my initial shock, I just thought he was childish and selfish.

  14. Pinkfire says:

    Lame spaced-out ❤️ emojis…vomit.

  15. IJ says:

    HG, jeez… do you all have a handbook of phrases you ALL use??

    Others: “I’ve been overwhelmed! Hell, planning —‘s birthday took 3 weeks!” “Come on, you think I’m content just messaging? I’d give anything right now to be with you!”. “You said you could come here? No… I don’t recall it being presented like that, or I would have made it work.” “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I PROMISE I will work with you to make this happen.” “Come within striking distance and I will deliver on everything I’ve promised… and more. If you’re not thanking me, I’ll retire.”

  16. IJ says:

    DHQP – this is where I am (I hope…). We’d been out of touch for awhile, then back in, the last 1.5 years. (We don’t live close) He always makes all these grand PROMISES and then not only doesn’t follow through, but doesn’t even make an excuse. He makes a big f-ing deal about how he is fiercely proud of his word, and never says anything he doesn’t mean. LMAO. REALLY??? Pretty sure he means NOTHING he ever says at this point. He promised to visit and I took off 2 days of work, and… nothing. Then when I called him on it, he tried to jump all over me saying he was dealing with some serious shit and would have LOVED the diversion and DO NOT blame him for me taking off work, when he knew I had, and he didn’t tell me ANYTHING about what may (or likely, may not) have even been going on w/him personallly.

    The next time he “promised” he was coming I told him my expectations were ZERO. I think it totally pissed him off that I wasn’t overflowing with expectation this time. He made a lame comment about a miscommunication last time and that he was almost 100% sure he was coming and would give me as much notice as possible as to the date(s). I’ve been no-contact/discarded ever since. 6 weeks and counting and (mostly….) feeling better and more OVER it, every day.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Your best bet is to go about your business and keep those options open… never ever go out of ur way for them…

      when I’m bored sometimes I will entertain them – i switch back and forth from hot to cold depending on my mood but I certainly keep my eyes wideeeee open ….and when someone else comes along that satisfies my needs I bounce lol.

      I’m a priority not an option….

      My first psychopath loves to play these kind of games …. it’s cute when he thinks he is control. I’ll sometimes let him feel like he’s in control – it amuses me. I learned a lot from one of my best friends who is a sociopath… he said smart people let other people think they are in control…. he told me that when I was like in my late teenage years and it stuck with me…

      You can’t control me if I don’t care lmao

      You can inconvenience me lol butttttttttt

      Noooooooo strings to puppet …

      I mean hey if urs serves a function then keep his ass around for when u need something to play with … that’s if u aren’t as emotionally involved…

      I was once very emotionally attached to that psychopath…

      Not so much anymore lmao

      1. IJ says:

        LOL. Yeah, he just sent me this song last night. This gives ME fuel… Maybe I will play…. in a few more days. I was very emotionally attached. I was only 16 when we met. He almost destroyed me. But not so much anymore. Tired of the Narc merry go round that isn’t so merry.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I love that song lol!

        funny, my first psychopath was into that song as well lol…. I would die if it was the same guy 😂

        Remember do what u want when you feel like it and make sure you don’t go out of your way.

        There are some people I completely disengage from….

        But some can serve a function u just have to be more strategic and know how to work them in a certain way lol


      3. narc affair says:

        This is where im at in between him controlling me and me letting him think he fully is. Being with someone manipulative has worn off on me. Still this is not my nature but being in this dynamic ive had to resort to similiar tactics.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        I completely understand. I don’t want to play games. I’ll be as real as real can be until someone starts the game playing. At that point I either just leave because I’m so over it or…. I’ll play to push buttons and then leave.

        I wish they wouldn’t push me…
        I’m just not the kind to lay down and die…

      5. narc affair says:

        Dr H…you were a step ahead tho in that u walk away ive only done this temporarily. I do play the game to some extent stalling the inevitable.

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        You probably haven’t had your “fuck it” moment.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Or you couldn’t cancel last minute

      Or you could disappear when they are supposed to hear from you

      If you have brass balls then u could just not show up and disappear …. basically stand him up

      I’ve never done that last one to anyone …

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Dr HQ

        On one occasion he set up a meet and I knew he wouldnt show (I was well in devaluation at this point). Sure enough later that night I get a text saying hes sorry but he got caught up at work and couldnt make it (but no text to say he wasnt coming which makes me laugh after all the time they find to text in the golden period). Thats when I told him that it was no problem as I didnt show myself (which was true). I told him that I ran into a friend, we went for drinks and were having so much fun I forgot all about him. Haha-only the part about forgetting about him was true. There was no friend. I just knew he wouldnt show and HE was in devaluation and I wanted to wound him. Oh yeah-big silent treatment after that. Btw-that was over a year ago and hes still hoovering.

        1. Jenna says:

          Narcangel, i know u don’t like engaging w me much due to our past history here. But i wanted to let u know abt my new discovery, which involves u!
          When i was relatively new to the blog, u had commented that narc and victim relationship is a two way street. I originally disagreed with u because my ex was depressed, he was not fun to interact w, but i was still interacting w him in order to help him get out of his depression. I thought i was getting nothing much in return.
          But when he did get out of his depression, i still wanted to engage w him, even tho he longer needed help. That’s when i realized that you were right all along. It’s definitely a two-way street. I see that now. I appreciate that u brought that to my attention. It took me awhile to realize it, but i nevertheless did realize it.
          I too am learning on this blog frm hg and many commenters. You are one of them, though you’re a little direct which can be intimidating for some. I know i was intimidated. After reading many of ur posts, i realized that’s just ur style, and i have come to enjoy it, esp ur comments to miss terri 😂 I couldn’t stop laughing! U add humour, an in ur face attitude which i’m becoming used to, and u care v much abt the blog which is evident. I really like u and i hope u can warm up to me too sometime. 😊☺️💗
          You may not respond to this, but i hope u at least read it.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Hi Jenna

            It is not at all true that I dont like engaging with you. That conversation was long ago when we did not understand each others position and I considered it a one time occurence and a closed matter. I am glad that you eventually found some good in it despite being hurt by my blunt delivery at the time (my concern is never in being right by the way). Yes, my style is direct and its not for everyone. If people are around long enough they usually see that my intent is good. If they dont-oh well. I would even like to know more about Miss Teri but Im afraid I lost my patience trying to decipher her posts. Perhaps Im not meant to and thats her style. Thats the beauty of this blog-individuality in expressing how we each deal with a common issue and hoping that amongst all of the interactions we will find strength and/or comfort. Im learning a lot also. In any case, I dont need to warm to you because it was never the case that I felt cold towards you, so you can put that to rest.


          2. Jenna says:

            Thx narcangel! Hugsssss!! 😊💗💗💗💗

          3. Jenna says:

            Narcangel, i would like to add the following.
            I have commented to u in the recent past, for example, in the ‘support forum fraud’, when yolo mistakenly thought i had first started an idea that u were questioning (but no prblm yolo 💗), but i received no reply frm u. I also said ‘excellent’ and clapped at u in another article, but received no reply. I am not complaining. Perhaps it is just that u do not reply to all comments if u feel it’s not necessary, and the matter does not need a response. I guess ‘excellent 👏👏👏’ does not need a response lol. That’s understandable.
            However, because i am borderline, i seek approval frm those who i perceive are rejecting me (my perceptions are sometimes wrong). I thought u do not wish to engage w me much. I am glad that’s not the case! And I apologize for being so sensitive abt it.
            I do hope u will reply to some of my comments towards u in the future, even if u feel it may not need a reply. (Of course, u r not bound to do so). I kind of feel like i have a strong person on my side when i interact w you. It makes me feel just a little stronger. 💖

          4. NarcAngel says:


            You are correct. I dont usually respond if it is just comment or reply that I dont think requires one, and it is not personal. I try to be respectful of Mr. Tudors time in moderating so I try to keep my comments to a minimum and related to the article or ongoing discussion with someone, with the odd humourous (at least to me) observation thrown in. I am waiting for the books about him (Little Boy Lost, Creature, Matrinarc, etc and fear he will never get the time to finish them if he is moderating a lot of “hi there” and “hows it going” comments (that he has been very good about) amongst us all, but thats just me. I will keep in mind what you have expressed about wanting validation through a response in the future though. Take care Jenna and see you around the blog.

          5. Jenna says:

            Wow! How considerate of u to be so mindful of HG’s time!
            And thank u for keeping my comment in mind. Like i said, u r not bound to do so. I do not wish to impose on u. In fact, this validation is more than enough for me. I am so happy!
            Thanks again. Hugs! 💗
            Btw, i would love to meet u in person! 😊

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I’ve gotten that one lol!!

        The psychopath has stood me completely up a total of two times. There will never be a third. I can promise you that.

        Then he disappears for about a year when he pulls some stunt like that.

        In those situations it’s best to hang out with a friend after or a new guy lol so it wasn’t a complete waste of a night.

        Everytime someone doesn’t follow through I keep mental notes they are now opening the door for me to treat them similarly and I can assure you I am not above that.

        When they take it to that level (standing you up and not even saying shit) I have another strategy lol…never fails…

        Bottom line do what you want when you feel like it and make sure they are at the place you are supposed to meet first. Never go on time. Never go far from home so you didn’t go that out of your way if something goes wrong. Have them text you when they are at the location – No matter what – so u aren’t waiting there…

        Cancel last minute when your mood changes lol you have no obligation to anyone or anything …

        If you hang out – Never hang out for more than 2 hours…

        You have places to be and people to see – if they come through they need to know their place.

        Oh I’ve just gotten started…

        Usually I don’t care enough to play games but I can assure you once you triggered me it’s only fair I return the favor.

        All is fair in love and war…

        It’s a shame they don’t know how proficient I am at the art of war.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Dr HQ

          To clarify-the meeting was supposed to be a lunch date and he didnt get back to me until later that night to say sorry that he missed it. He set it up knowing he would be a no show. He also asked me on another occasion to meet him in another town. I responded with my personal policy: I dont travel for dick-theres plenty local and yours is nothing special. Youd think with all the wounding hed be gone but Im guessing he wants to lure me back in to exact some revenge because hes still contacting. Hes tried grand, corrective, and all kinds of hoovers even after this type of treatment from me. So anyone who says they wont hoover is kidding themselves. This one should be long gone but hes not. Its my fault of course-for being so delightful lol.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        They need to know THEIR place…lol 😜

        I don’t have time for these Mickey Mouse games.

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi Dr. Harleen…your advice hoe to treat these narcs is truth! I noticed even with my mother when i dont be my usual overaccomidating nice self she treats me with more respect. The same with mh narc. Its sad it takes that to get people like this to smarten up and be better to us. Its true you teach people how to treat you.

      5. narc affair says:

        I did the stand up to him and texted him the next morning feeling huge guilt. Hes done it to me 3 times but texts hours later with the excuse his relax meds made him fall asleep. I know this not to be true. Of course in narc fadhion he brings the fact i stood him up when it serves him.

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        My sociopath bestfriend – he has been consistent so he doesn’t get treated that way.

        I will be very accommodating to people who respect me or can give me what I want.

        There has to be a trigger. If I see sloppy flakey behavior is the way a dude is gonna play it then I will do what I want.

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        Guilty for what? For treating him the way he would treat you? Well I mean I do get it which is why I have never done it but I can promise you if I was made enough … crazed enough I could….

        Screw that…

        I’m so happy you did that – I can vicariously live through you lol!

      8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        “I don’t travel for dick….”

        I’m dying to meet you in real life…

        You are freakin awesome…


  17. Jenna says:

    I’ve been in all these categories except dirty secret. I think i got crumbs when he was away. When he was present, he was v v affectionate.

    Hg, did u see taylor swift’s new video ‘Look What You Made Me Do’? She makes subtle references to kanye west. Is kanye west a lesser narc? Ty.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Her song reminds me of Fergie’s song about bumps. One narc singing about another.

      1. Jenna says:

        😱😱😱 taylor swift is a narc too?😱😱😱

      2. Jenna says:

        Hg, how abt an article abt taylor swift’s new video? Only if u want to.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Too narrow.

          1. Jenna says:

            “Too narrow” meaning?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Not enough in it.

          3. Jenna says:

            Oh ok. Ty.

        2. Ajo says:

          I find it hysterical how T. Swifts new song has us all singing it to our Narcs. I guess Bad Blood is the same. I know John Mayer is a total narc and I’m sure she has dated others. Hollywood is ripe with them.

      3. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Or an article on N sense of humour. I’d be interested in that. The lessees and mids to some extent fail to appreciate good humour and certainly the greaters can cover this up well but they’re still lacking. I’d love to know more about this HG

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Look what he made me dooooooo lol

      1. Jenna says:

        Oh! Look what he made me do!
        Panic attacks
        Look what he made me do look what he made me do!
        Oh! Look what he made me do!
        Doubt love exists

      2. Jenna says:

        Let’s have a sing-a-long! Lol!

      3. Jenna says:


  18. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    That behavior will only be tolerated up to a certain point.

    Nothing like managing down expectations.

    The bare minimum….

    How unfulfilling and boring.

    What they don’t realize is that once someone is worn down and has ultimately come down with a serious case of the “fuck its” – it all becomes so played out and old real fast.

    In addition to that…when someone else comes along and gives you more than the bare minimum and is picking up the slack there is no point in engaging.

    It’s insulting.

    They never know how much and how far they can push until it’s too late.

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      Oh this made me laugh sooooo much. mine is becoming really confused at how I’m currently playing him.

    2. narc affair says:

      This happened in my last narcs case he pushed too far and i grew tired and someone else came along…another narc this time a greater yayyy definitely not a win tho lol i traded one for the other but even if i wasnt with this natc id still have zero interest in the ex narc. I see him for what he is and the attraction is gone. I have no interest in him but i do hope one day he grows up and sees his potential. He has a lot of talent if he would use it the right way.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        He won’t see his potential lol…

        That’s the problem…

        We focus on potential…

      2. narc affair says:

        Dr. H…i think he knows his potential and has proven it in ways but always reverts back to his parents or a female victim usually older to sponge from. I never gave him a cent. He bought me gifts but i think that was to hook me and wouldnt of lasted. His marriage only lasted 2 yrs. I think he mightve moved back to liverpool but not sure. He still sends emails but i never read them. I have no feelings whatsoever for him. I do wish he would grow up and stop using people.

    3. ajo says:

      Wow. Great point! I’m one of those girls who can’t have sex without getting attached. Like I had my first one night stand two years ago and automatically wanted to date the guy and was obsessed with him for like 2 months! I cannot separate sex and emotions.
      That being said, I slept with the ex midrange like a mad woman. I loved the sex and rarely went a night without it. I’d wake him if need be. He never turned me down or complained…. Until I came by after he discarded me (i didn’t know about her for sure yet and he never verbally abused me or was malign up until this point). I literally had to seduce him and he looked scared and said several times (this isn’t right. I need to honor you.) I think he was scared the “new girl” would find out.
      Great advice. I’m going to take that to the bank for the future. “KEEP LEGS CLOSED UNTIL HE IS IDENTIFIED”.

      1. ANK says:

        Same for me ajo, I can’t have sex unless I’m emotionally invested.
        I think i was able to resist the lure of sex before NC because i was becoming emotionally dis-invested due to the way he was treating me.

        He was also worried that I would find out who his new woman was and would blab to her.

        I know who she is. I have heard that he is trying to hook and real in another.

    4. Caroline says:

      You’re hysterical! They were always destined to lose you.:)

      All you say is 100%. After 6 months of stupid, timewasting crap, I am NC… and I’m way too freaking stubborn to break it. I only hesitated for a sec, wondering if I could first have that last “closure” talk, until I read more and more on here…and HG’s posts and your guys’ comments saved me from that error in thinking! Thank you so much. Screw that – my setting myself up for a “non-closure” talk – I am maximizing my dignity statement of an “out of left field” NC.

      Player Got Played.

      1. Caroline says:

        This (Oct. 3) was supposed to be my reply to “Dr. Harleen” and her Sept. 1/12:27 a.m. comment.

  19. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    You make valid points; however I feel like it depends on the person.

    If someone requires more attention and is getting a sentence here or there full of future faking and empty promises AND there is barely any follow through thn the person clocks out.

    The thrill disappears and it’s pointless.

    1. Sophia says:

      I agree. I have to wonder how they respond to this clocking out after being in it so long. Do they forget about you and focus on the next? I mean, if you’re not maintaining then you can’t care anymore. I wonder what lengths they go to for shelf IPSS in long standing that has moved on to come back for more.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I wouldn’t waste time analyzing it or thinking about it too much. Truth is it doesn’t matter because the person is just an option …..

        I am never just an option. I am so much more than that and so are you.

        If you don’t work for this you’re not getting shit from me.

        They can clock out all they want because at this point in my life I sleep pretty easy knowing they will never find another me…

        It makes no difference to me anymore unless the result is something different and in my favor… if not they can play their Mickey Mouse games all they want … I say knock yourself out lmao

        Most of the time I don’t play but every once in a while my boredom gets the best of me.

        1. Sophia says:

          I find it interesting that you get bored, play, and can keep your feelings out of it. I definitely relate to the boredom. 😀

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        A huge part of that reason is because I’m not fucking them.

        That is a hugeeeeee factor.

        I can detach when I’m not banging them.

        1. Sophia says:

          Sex (good sex) definitely clouds the brain. 😀

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Not fucking them serves multiple purposes.

        I know when I fuck them I start to become all … not right in the head lol…I can’t think or see things as clearly.

        When you can control yourself sexually it DOES make a difference.

        My ability to not spread my legs is actually an advantage – have I slipped? Yes, once like every five years or so lmao. It is rare but I mean if you by accident get into a relationship with one then it’s even more complicated… that’s where I got all fucked up because I was so attached. I was involved and sexually and emotionally attached and that was a huge part of the problem.

        I can assure you that during this shit show I went through if I found someone worthy of banging on the side and scooping up I swear to god I would have done it. I would have left so fucking fast his head would have been spinning.

        Chances are that In that situation if woukd have been a greater…. because I have such a need for higher levels of stimulation and then well I’d be right back here lmao.

        1. Sophia says:

          I’ve only been involved with one. Thank god. I haven’t been intimate with him for a long time. He still gets to me though. Trying hard to completely move on.

    2. narc affair says:

      Yes but the narcissist knows that balance and senses the appropriate dosage of crumbs theyre experts at it. I know mine is. Its almost like a sixth sense he has.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Some are better at the crumbs than others and as we know everyone has that fuck it point – it is just different for different people.

        I used to put up with that sht all the time … and drag it all out … now …. something has changed

        It took this last horrible relationship for me to learn a lot about myself – what I will and will not tolerate…

        Cheat on me …. bye
        Steal from me…. bye
        Betray me and run your mouth about things you shouldn’t … you are even more fuxking useless double bye
        Don’t call me enough…. bye
        Don’t text me enough…. bye
        Don’t follow through…. you better have a good reason if that shit becomes a pattern bye
        If you don’t have my back and stand up for me… BYE
        If I can’t express an opinion without getting attacked … bye
        If you tell me how to feel …. bye
        If you don’t understand me…. you’re useless…. bye
        Attempt to sexually or physically abuse me… pray for yourself because I’m an atomic bomb

        1. Jenna says:

          Wow! You’re my hero!

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        The old Dr. HQ can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because she’s dead…

        Look what they made me do 😂

        1. Jenna says:

          Lol i’m dying!! 😂😂😂
          Taylor swift’s trending!

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