Poll – Which Red Flags Did You Fail To Heed?
Red Flags. With the benefit of hindsight those flags were flying high but you failed to heed them. Did you think the now-known-narcissist was coming on strong by wanting to be with you all of the time, but you dismissed it as it felt good and exciting? Maybe the narcissist was already in a relationship when he or she targeted you citing those lies of “we are like brother and sister these days”, “we never have sex any more” or “he/she makes my life hell” ? Perhaps you noticed that the narcissist would be strangely unavailable for short periods of time, when usually he or she answered the phone within a nanosecond of you ringing them? Or was it the fact that you never got to meet any of his or her family or friends as you were only ever seen isolation?
You can pick as many answers as are applicable, but do so BEFORE pressing vote.
As ever, please expand in the comments section on your experiences and observations.
Thank you for participating.
Loading ...133 thoughts on “Poll – Which Red Flags Did You Fail To Heed?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
… one creepy obvious red flag I’ve noticed is if the person seems cool, calm and collected all the time in an environment with many ppl in need, nervous ppl.
It can be a priest, holy narcissist,
or e g a mother in a family where her husband and kids have alcohol problems and maybe even some violence. And she remains cool, calm, and a bit firm. “Detached” “unaffected”. This behaviour can be a sign that she is causing the whole chaos in the family, without anyone suspecting it.
hg – I just started seeing a new guy and when I asked him if he has any pets he said he isn’t a pet person and doesn’t understand the point of pets. Is that a red flag?
It is an indicator but no more than that in isolation.
Oooooh, interesting poll, HG. I missed this one.
The 2 Huge Red Flags that I totally missed:
1) Asking me to marry him after 2 months… and he didn’t really ASK. He said: “Marry me.”
2) Talking about having children from the get-go (even how many and names).
Why am I always in the lowest percentages on almost every poll you give us? (That was rhetorical, HG… please don’t answer that. :-))
Hi emma…my narc loves pets and he definitely is a narcissist and a sociopath in particular. I dont think its definitive. It confuses me bc i know he does love animals yet narcissists arent supposed to have empathy. I also know its not an act. I do wonder if some narcissists may be able to connect empathetically with animals but not fellow humans.
Only one of those is applicable and that’s talking about the exes . This happened on the first date and continued constantly , nothing else on the list though . To use HG’s words all exes were Harpies 😂
This vote relates to a recent person. Not the tHiNg…
Waaaay too many compliments. Would text for hours at night after work. I eventually learned to make eye contact, and body contact after 6 weeks!
I was never mentioned to his family, AND, it seemed he had no friends other than work colleagues. (Found out after the fact).
He’d go to where I was socializing just to see me.
Then….excuses. Disengagement, silent treatment. After 4 weeks?? WT? Yep, I got sucked in to this ever so genuine, sincere, laid back understanding guy…
Didnt see it coming…….but should have right?
The other guy:
First impression of him. This guy is annoying, seeking attention, he thinks he is the shit and a big flirt.
I thought to myself well he won’t be getting any attention from me. Ha ha.
And then the unthinkable happened I gave him all my attention.
Then there were more red flags.
He said his ex wife was crazy. That she was making up all these lies about him. And the wife before that cheated on him all the time. I remember thinking what did you do to her.
I wasn’t worried about the red flags because I only wanted to have sex with him at that time. If course the more I text and the more he ignored me the more I wanted him. I was so addicted. Then after 9 months of me texting with no response I just figured I must of blocked me. So I decided I would tell him how i really felt. I sent a text saying I get it. You must enjoy cock more than I do. That makes since. And 30 mins later he texted me back. I thought to myself holy cow what a sicko. How do you ignore someone for that long?
He said he didn’t appreciate me saying he enjoyed cock more than I do. And that he would love to have sex with me. And that he was still in court. And he had knee surgery and didn’t want me to see him at his worst. And he said when you figure out what you want from me then text me and I will let you know where I am at.
So I decided to back off. I waited a month sent him a song, so that he would know I was still interested. Then a month after that I looked him up on Facebook and his account is private, so I clicked on photos of him and on some other ladies Facebook account were all these photos of him and her. And they were engaged to get married. And had been together for sometime. I cried uncontrollably for about 4 hours. I was heartbroken. I cried on and off over the next couple of weeks. Part of me wanted to tell on him, but I didn’t because I had hoped it wouldn’t work out and he would contact me.
It’s been 7 months no contact.
HG Tudor’s books, blog and consultations have been very helpful.
First guy:
He asked me out and the next day he had to turn himself into juvenile hall.
He threatened to kill my whole family if I broke up with him.
He was disrespectful to his mother and sister.
Punched holes in the wall after arguing with his mom. (Lives at home with his mom)
Driving down street he yells out the window and calls some lady fatty. Then has his friend throw his milkshake at her.
Drives by and spits at the lady.
At the time I was 13 and he was 17.
My dad had just gone to prison for selling meth. I didn’t want to live at home where child molesters, prostitutes, murderers and dirt bags came over. So I moved in with him. It seemed like the better choice. But of course things got worse.
I have been out of that relationship for over 17 years. I still see him once a year at our grandson’s birthday which is on Valentine’s Day. I ignore him as if he doesn’t exist.
Within a month of meeting him …he’d drink and accuse me of not being where I’d say I was via text. He did it three times and I broke it off with him and somehow in my ridiculousness I went back !
Shantily.. that’s the hold they have over us.. unfortunately.. until we realise we cannot take any more pain and confusion and lies and insults from them .. then we just have to walk away..there are better things for us coming i am sure..
Some of the red flags I got was:
1) On the first night, excessive talk about himself. He was trying to impress & draw empathy from me with some of his experiences but as I had many similar it didn’t particularly impress & it got boring but I excused it. A pattern which continued.
2) The way he shut me down on a legal matter that I knew I was right on & in later months proved to be. He frightened me a little. (fear which grew over time)
3) The lack of empathy when I told him about my deceased children although I didn’t recognise it as that. I had caught him off guard & he hadn’t known the appropriate response. I excused the behaviour of that of a selfish male with a colourful history that hadn’t had children therefore couldn’t understand although I knew in that moment he could not meet my emotional needs & he was not safe with their memory & that no relationship with him would ever work. I shut down emotionally at that point. Reality was I couldn’t not persue something that I had regretted not being able to do 30 years earlier but had no idea of what was to come. There were plenty of red flags – but it was him. He gave me crumbs & I took them. He had me at hello & he knew it.
Tiddlywink: (that name is so cute!) What a detective you are. I never would have thought to look into his family pictures. I can’t do it now as I have blocked him and he has blocked me. I have a friend who met her husband on FB. (she’s in the middle of getting a divorce now) They were only married for 9 months and during that time he was with another woman and had a child with her. He has now left that woman and is with others. She is a detective, like you, and has found so many lies. . . he is furious with her because she HAS contacted these women and told them what he is. She sent them text messages that he had just sent her and many were identical to the ones he had been sending them. During all this he told her he still loved her blah, blah, blah. She is strong and doesn’t take any shit from anyone. I need to learn that trait! I wish she lived here instead of in England. It has been 10 months N/C for me. It’s getting easier but once in awhile (especially on Friday nights) I still cry.
Hi RS ,
I thought I run out of tears but two weeks ago I saw him for the first time in a year. Well , I didn’t really see him , I was driving behind him one day , I recognised his reg and only saw his profile when we stopped at the traffic lights. He looked in his mirror …I wonder if he realised that it was me behind him..
Anyway, being so close to him yet so far made me cry at loud. 😔
Abrokenwing: How horrible for you! I would have done the same. I almost cried just reading what you wrote! I tell myself that if he ever showed up at my door I would laugh at him and close it in his face but I don’t think I really would. After 10 months of N/C I still catch myself looking out the window at work watching for an Apria truck to drive by hoping I might see if him in it. I am waiting for the day when I don’t do that any more. Be strong sweet girl, be strong! We are all on here for each other.
Friday nights and Sundays are the worst. NC for six weeks after finding out about another woman. He had been dating her the last three of our five years together. Now I know there had to be more. That was the last straw. So funny how I trusted him more than anyone that I had ever known and it was all bs.
Yes, we do give our trust to them quite readily. I have learned from this experience that now my trust will have to be earned. I am so sorry that he did that to you. It’s like getting a punch in the stomach, at least that is how it felt when I learned about what he was. I never looked into him seeing someone else because he was married. I was naive and trusting. Lesson learned, I hope. (you never know, sometimes I’m a little dense and it takes about 20 times to sink in) 😉
He was married when I met him. He finally got a divorce, and then I found out about the the other woman. Triangulation at its finest. I don’t know how he had time but he apparently he did. Never dreamed it until I started reading last fall. When we found out about each, I wasn’t nearly as shocked as she was. I knew, deep down, I knew what he was. Everything finally made sense.
After all the lies, when the truth finally sinks in and goes “ding”, it’s almost like you can breath again after being sucker punched. It’s great to finally be able to take a breath again but the pain from the punch is still there and it lingers for a long time.
Exactly, RS
Diana.. I can totally relate to your situation…am so sorry for the pain you would be going through… it is so hard to trust again though after all you have been through.. .. 10 week NC for me.. but i still get the odd ‘i miss u’ text message from him which makes me upset all over again..but after reading HG’s blog and learning what makes narcs tick, all their so called ‘miss you’ messages are just fake hoovers to get more fuel..
Diana,
Your situation seems to be similar to mine. Married, pursued me, got me, decided to divorce and then I found out about a new woman. There might have been others but this one is the only one I know about for sure.
He would say to me ‘you can trust me’. As you say all bullshit.
Robin,
Likewise I did not think he would be looking for another woman, since he had me and everything seemed to be fine. Things might have fizzled out, but he knew that I was falling for him. He continued to say every time we were together how much he adored me and how amazing I was etc. (red flags, i know now).
You’re not dense, it is because you are caring and lovely. And because of that you got taken advantage of.
That is why they go for us, isn’t it? We are all caring and loving. We will come out the other side with smiles on our faces, I am sure of it! 😉
robins359.. thanks for the compliment re tiddlywink!!! I guess i am an empath mostly, but if something doesn’t feel right i then have to try and find out the reason why, because if i am honest with someone i expect the same because that is how relationships should be….I am so glad i did play detective though on this occasion, otherwise i would still be with that lying deceiving narc while he has 2 simultaneous relationships going on (and probably others for all i know).. i really feel for your friend going through such a terrible ordeal finding out about her new husbands unspeakable behavior.. really that is just so awful.. and yes can relate to the hoovering he would be doing to her… mine did that as well after i found out about his 2 gfs ..but by then i said no way I am not going to be some DLS.. gosh your friend is brave to contact the exes of her narc.. i wish i could be so brave, but not only has be blocked me from their social media so that i cannot contact them, he has threatened to ruin me by telling lies to my colleagues at my workplace and i cant risk him lying to them and getting away with it. (And he would because he is initially quick in delivering off the cuff comments and convincing ones. . Just like i believed him). Like you though, i do miss the contact at times on weekends.. but then have to snap out of it to realise it was all an illusion for him plus he will be with one of his gfs anyway…
Yes, she was brave to contact his other victims but she told me they are now all goodt friends with her and thanked her for showing them what he really was. All of my friends and family tried to tell me he was “creepy and weird” but I wouldn’t listen. Next time I will. My CAT didn’t even like him. She hissed and ran away whenever he came over. LOL I didn’t get treated nearly as bad as you or most of the other people on here. He was awful, don’t get me wrong, but he didn’t smear me (if he did it was only to his co-workers and I could not care less about them). He didn’t take money from me and because he was married, we never lived together. I am thankful for that at least.
We will get through this, with HG’s help, and come out smelling like a rose! Everyone on here is so supportive. It is our safe place. Stay strong, my dear! 😉
I missed the lack of emotion and empathy and the lack of appropriate sexual interest. WAs snowed by the love bombing doing stuff he wanted to do to help me and I discounted my concerns because of that. Cause that showed he loved me…. gah idiot. 24 years of regret.
EasyBreezy.. mine has no true male friends either but has a heap of female “friends” .. one of which i found out turned out to be his IPSS.. am sure half of them had been in some sort of relationship with him..i remember when we first met, I asked him about friends and he said “i have alot of female friends.. is that a problem?”.. sigh….
“I have a lot of female friends.. is that a problem?”
Exactly the same said to me……..it wasn’t a problem then…….but it certainly is now…….never again………Diva
Diva.. yes especially when he has no male friends at all!! Will definitely watch out for this red flag next time.. if there is a next time..!!
Hi Tiddlywink…….I am still smiling every time I type your name……unfortunately, if you are an empath and you still have a pulse, there will be a next time!!!!!! Diva
Tiddly…definite red flag!
Narc affair .. yes indeed ..now i see it as a red flag!! Especially as i found out his so called “friend” is one of the women currently in a relationship with him ..
Tiddly…if its a narc they mean they are part of their fuel network.
I have a couple guy friends on facebook and work but in no ways am i interested in them nor would i use them or triangulate with them. You can have friends of the opposite sex but with a narc theyre being used as part of their fuel network. Also id never advertise my guy friends to someone id just met or was dating and would be respectful of their feelings.
Message bombardment
Inconsistent explanations
Wanting to be together all the time
It wasn’t until I met the last one which was a step up from.the prior psychopath, lesser vic, and lesser somatic did I even think these were red flags with the exception of inconsistent explanations. The other seemed normal even the compliments.
Like a few ladies mentioned when I hooked up with the mid I knew exactly what he’s was not to the extent that I know now. I guess I just wanted to take that ride as well. I felt I could control the relationship but I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. I definitely regret it now, it wasn’t easy for him and I was determined to make him pay for all my past relationships. His favourite line ” I am not him” I promise you”. Sometimes, I think he’s a greater because of his effectiveness in playing mind games. He’s not going to stop until he feels vindicated.
BTW, Indy there’s something wrong with the notifications.
The first 7 I checked off, and then never meeting his friends.
But you know what this list made me realize? I saw all these things as flags and signs of strange behaviour and STILL gave 11 years of my life. From the start he was a total oddball and clingy as hell.
Wtf does that mean? Why did I see it and accept it?
He was a rebound, I remember going into things with him knowing “this is a total rebound relationship”. Poor self esteem I guess? And then being lonely? Then our joint lives started to form and I guess I just ran with it. Man. What a waste.
The book ‘Red Flags’ explains why you didn’t respond to the red flags.
It’s a very good book, I have it. 😉
Just re-read your comment kq and realized didn’t actually say you weren’t physically attracted to him. I’ve been reading a lot of comments and must of muddled it up from another comment. oops
All mentioned above, he did-and more. And I saw they were red flags-I felt uncomfortable with him from day one and I wanted to end it. But it took much longer than I had planned. I should have listened to my instict, it warned me immediately that something was very wrong.
I’m right there with you, M!
Another great poll! This poll really made me reflect and look back at the red flags which we so easily miss or ignore. I picked:
1. Message bombardment
2. Wanting to be together all the time
3. Excessive compliments
4. Unexplained absences
To start off all 3 i did as well so i cant say those were red flags bc i did this very thing with my narc. For the most part its still this way but not as excessively as in the beginning. We still are in contact throughout the day thru devices or offline. In the beginning it was hourly the msgs and love bombardment thru sickly lovey msgs. Even i have to laugh looking back lol At the time it was a whirlwind of emotion. Was it a red flag? No i dont feel it was bc im sure nonnarc relationships can be this way as well. That being said there were definite red flags which ill list…
Red flags:
Creation of insecurity then gaslighting to diminish.
Saying he wanted me addicted to him
Unexplained lateness or absences
Weird occurances with oddball explainations
Joining a mutual site under a different name but using obvious info so id know.
Never married and no kids
Fetish for married women
Commented on how i was an empath
Brought up the term narcissist in relation to work
One of the biggest red flags were two things he said to me within a week of meeting. One was that i was an empath which at the time i had no clue what that was the other was after he would create insecurity and wed have a fall out and hed say it was ok and that he liked that i was clingy and he wanted me addicted to him. I just thought it was a cute remark about the addiction but he was revealing his intent. There were many times and still are where he creates intentionally insecurity. Its his way of feeling secure that i feel insecure. Its control. As the relationship progressed he became frusterated at my insecurity and gaslighted me with what hed done and said i had trust issues. The bouts of insecurity creation are a huge red flag. Someone who doesnt play mind games wont do this. A narcissist does for control and too keep you off balance and guessing. It boosts their ego that you fear losing them.
Hes been very late a few times and not showed up maybe 3 times. At first this really upset me and still does but i now know why he does it. He knows my fear of abandonment and uses this to punish me or again to throw me off balance if things are too mundane to him. It stirs it up so to speak. Again control and creating that high and low rollercoaster ride.
Weird occurances…hes done some strange things then had unreal responses why he did it leaving me guessing as to why. Gaslighting and boundary poking. Seeing how much ill go along with.
He mentioned throughout how he has a fetish for married women and has never been married or had kids. It makes sense bc he has no interest in marriage so this is his way of experiencing it without committing. A single source would want committment and for the relationship to progress and grow which is not what he wants. He wants it to stay single and what better way than with someone married.
He mentioned the term narcissist a few weeks after we met in correlation to someone at work but i feel he knows hes a narcissist and was dropping telltale signs as narcs smugly like to do.
The big flashing neon red flag was when he joined a mutual site we were on under a different name and made it obvious it was him to me. Same age same location and posts that only id understand. This really hit me hard. I think in all the time ive known him this hurt me the most. I couldnt understand why he would do this it made no sense but i know now thanks to this blog and the info on narcissism. He was letting me know who he really was. His other persona was the mask off one. He would flirt openly with other women and be in ways disrespectful. He pretended to be a married man with kids. This was when i googled why would someone pretend to be other people and use traits. I also felt he was gaining character traits and interests from others. Thats when sociopath and narcissism popped up on my utube and i was in utter shock. Not only bc of who he was but it was who my mother was. There was an actual disorder and i didnt imagine it. After joining this blog i learned about negative fuel and this explained why he enjoyed hurting me on this forum and my reaction. Id react but could never confront him on it bc hed deny and say it wasnt him. It was the ultimate tool of negative fuel. I eventually left the site and this cut off a portion of his fuel from me that is when he amped up other ways to draw negative fuel mostly thru devaluement or creating insecurity.
Theres been many many red flags and i know what im dealing with now but its not made it easier to leave. Many times thru the years ive said to myself leave now before it becomes mlre difficult to but ive not listened to that warning.
I know what my red flag is……..it’s very simple…….if I really like you…..you are a narc……….Diva
I’m so sorry, but that made me laugh. I feel the same way.
Hi Diana ….many a true word spoken in jest!!!! Diva
Same here Diva, same here.
Yes, it is almost an instant attraction for me…….and in all of my cases, even before one word has been uttered…..and they are rarely “my usual type” physically…..I am trying to fathom it as I do not understand it, but it has happened enough times that I can no longer ignore it. It only needs to be just one look…..I think it must be some form of hypnosis…….I am going to have to start wearing sunglasses 24/7…….Diva
they are rarely “my usual type” physically…..I am trying to fathom it as I do not understand it, but it has happened enough times that I can no longer ignore it. It only needs to be just one look…..I think it must be some form of hypnosis…….
He was certainly not MY type physically, either. The only thing that attracted me was his accent. I think they do hypnotize us though. Like a fly in a spider’s web! I’m off to buy some very dark sun glasses.
Exactly! Me too.
Hi RS…..I just knew my red flag statement would apply to you too…..I was sat here waiting for you to respond!!!! Diva
You know me so well! Haha! I notice you said “I was sat here waiting”. HG says that also. It must be proper English as here it would be said “I was sitting here waiting”. Present text and not past text. Are you from England?
Hi RS I was born in Manchester England but I have lived in Northern Ireland (part of the UK) for nearly 25 years. I suspect that you are technically correct about my “sat here waiting” comment…..but the saying is used here in a non standard way, to kind of set the scene. On saying that, you may be unwise to take any English tuition from me as I have lived in Northern Ireland a long time and they have their own dialect, which is pretty rough and ready at best. Swearing is the norm and part of everyday basic chat……although they say feck off instead. They also call each other c*nts in an affectionate way ……such as “arr yer c*nt yer.” It still makes me smile although I cannot bring myself to say it…..in any event it would not sound right without that Irish twang…….Diva
I have always wanted to visit Ireland! I have a real potty mouth and would fit right in! LOL I had a neighbor once and she and her husband were relocated to Ireland (he worked at Intel and there is a plant there) She was there for a year and she said she loved it! One day I will go there, Diva, one day. 🙂
Hi RS…..book the flights and we can meet up……I know you will like it here as the humour is off the scale……I came across on holiday and just decided to stay……I live near the border…….I have one foot in Northern Ireland and one foot in Ireland (a separate country)……..just in case I ever have to make a run for it!!!!!!! .Diva
I meant to say “present TENSE”, not present TEXT. I hit send before I could see I made a mistake.
True Diva !
I know I will never be with a so called ‘nice guy’, narcs poses qualities I am attracted to. Unfortunately.
Well it would appear from the other comments that we are not alone in that respect……..part of me wants someone “nice” to come along just for a change, but I have a suspicion that I may corrupt them!!! Diva
Ahahahaha!! So true. . . I can’t stop laughing because it’s so true!
Hi RS I get the feeling that you and I would be a lethal combination…..it would be good craic though…….I have no doubt about that!!!! Diva
Yes indeed, I believe we would! I can tell right off if I like someone or not by their humor. If they are offended at what I say, they will never “get” me. 😉 Now tell me what is a “craic” ?
Hi RS …….I am pretty much unoffendable…..anyone that has an English accent takes a fair bit of verbal abuse here…..you learn to laugh with them. “Craic” is a word the Irish say all the time……”it’s good craic”…….”what’s the craic?”……..”you are good craic.”……..just another word for news, gossip, entertainment or good conversation. Diva
How cute! I love learning things like that. Thanks. 😉
I can only imagine the pounding an American accent would get from them. . . I don’t get offended easily at all and would give it right back. I love a good jab!
Hi RS……most of the “abuse” is said in jest…….(they use the word “abuse” lightly here….it probably is “banter” to you) it transpires that the more “abuse” you get…….the more they actually like you…….well that is what I tell myself anyhow……in any case, in some parts, you would need to live here 5 years before you can understand what they are saying……and even then you are never really sure!!!!! They seem to like Americans as they think they are rich!!!!! You would have no problem finding a man here…… Diva
That’s how my family is. If we don’t tease you and put you down, we don’t like you. 😉 Ireland is sounding better and better to me!!
Hi Diva and RS,
Goodness, ireland sounds great too me. I love the rough coast lines, a good banter, and strong people. Pubs too? Lord, I’m in heaven, Maybe it’s genetic (half tongue in cheek, you know us Irish American wannabes 😉🤣My great grandfather was from west coast Ireland, stone carver, did cemetery sculpture work. He cut and carved his own grave stone from a quarry in Vermont (excellent granite there). Crazy huh? It’s on my bucket list to go. Truth be told, I’m an American mutt that loves my 3 drops of Irish blood in me 🤣
Anyhow, cool to know you are from the great country!
Indy
I’ve never been verbally abused by anyone with an Irish accent, but a lot by people with British accents. The Northern Irish accent is unusual though.
Hi Ava101…..I just wanted to clarify that when I stated “verbal abuse” in an earlier post……..I was really referring to a mix of banter and jibing……it is difficult to explain. It is part of being Irish……they actually call it “verbal abuse” themselves, but it is just part of the culture…….they can give it and take it…….sometimes if you didn’t know better you would think that they were arguing, but when you look at their faces they are smiling. I am only just realising how bizarre it is as I am trying to explain it………Diva
You know Diva.. i think u are right.. same here… I seem to attract narcs if there is a crush going on from my side….
Hi Tiddlywink……I can’t even write your name without grinning for some bizarre reason!!!!……….anyhow in response to your comment……I am only just starting to realise that this “narc saga” is very much a mutual attraction between empaths and narcs and that is one reason they are so difficult for us to resist and deflect………..Diva
Amen to THAT!!! 😂
Most of these, but he was an estranged family member and young, sooooo plausible deniability, plus it had been quite awhile since my last Narcissist, and those were always romantic, this was platonic and he was raised by narcissists so I just thought they were traits he would work on with maturity..
Oh well 😔
The red flags were flying right out of the gate. I was engaged and he was pursuing me. He kept coming in to my place of work. What broke me? He said, “I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I never asked you out.”
We walked around the park the first time we hung out. He dominated the whole conversation. His childhood was mostly memories of hearing his mother complain about his father. He felt she made him co-dependent leading him to marry a bi-polar and emotionally unavailable woman. Which by the way, “people told her she looked just like Neve Campbell.” “You kinda look alike and guess what she is a therapist.” I was finishing my degree to become a therapist.
I knew he was dating but later found out how serious his relationship really was when he told me how distraught she was that he picked me over her. I could go on. My best friend told me to run. I should have listened. There are many red flags I saw, in hindsight, within just 3 dates.
The odd feeling in the pit of my stomach from the minute I met him.
I did not care about his exaggerations. I knew from the beginning that he was exaggerating about his achievements and other things.
He started to talk bad about his ex, but when he saw, I did not like that, he changed his strategy at once. Then he spoke most of the time fine about her with some little exceptions. I thought why does he blame her for the car he bought? It was his decision not her decision.
It was my need for sex, which blended me. I did not want to stop it because of the sex I needed at that time. I have had a little bit bad conscience in the beginning, because he gave me a lot of compliments, showed how much he felt in love with me and I? I liked him but I thought he is not the right one. He is good for sex but for a relationship? His exaggerations, his less education, his strange friends, his macho behaviour, his father`s strange emphasis, how much he helped his ex when she had a tumor, I have had a lot of reservations against him. He really babbled me into a relationship. And I thought, well, I am getting old, I can not expect a better man. He seems to love me, that should be enough. Look away. Do not see his faults. He will at least care for you.
What an illusion!!!!
I really liked him,although I had great reservations.
It has been similar to the couple of the Titanic (film). He did not fit, but I was drawn to him. Some kind of adventure. The end of the drama was different to Titanic. He pulled me out of the lifeboat and set himself in it. No romantic end!
He only skulked around me to get the best place in lifeboat, if necessary.
Sometimes I really have some respect for him, respect over how much he fooled me. And then I have to smile.
Whatever I am, I am not a pure empath. Thanks for that insight. He was fooled too.
Ha, ha Mona!
Sounds a lot like my Moron in Munich, except for the lack of education. He thought he was Gods gift to women in bed, but I doubted it, he seemed so unstable. He has weird friends, and ex who died of cancer, a practically Oedipal relationship with his now dead mother and very poor relationship with his father. He has a doctorate in economics, though.
I’m glad you did get some use out of yours. Being 5000 miles away, mines one claim to fame was useless. I was too skeptical and wary to benefit that way anyhow. Too many years of sex just being for pain and dominance. I could never trust a man to have that kind of power over me, no matter how empathic and gentle he was. Sex for me is like a horribly scarred fire survivor expected to roast marshmallows over an open fire. Just not going to happen.
Windstorm
I noted previous your mention of a moron in Munich. Was this someone you met before your now ex-husband? Are you a member of Narc International? Inquiring minds want to know lol (if you care to share that is).
NarcAngel
No. I got engaged at 16, there was no real time to have met someone else first.
Since I had planned to be a foreign language teacher, my then fiancé and I coughed up enough money to send me to the U of Valencia to summer school when I was 19. I had 3 weeks to tour Europe after my classes ended. We thought foreign language experience would help me get a job.
I met my Moron at the end of my time when I was headed up to Madrid by train to fly back home. So I only was with him for 2 and a half hours in a crowded train, but I gave him my address and we corresponded for a few years. I got married right after I got back home, but my husband knew all about my Moron. He was never jealous of anyone (especially someone on another continent) and he knew he had no need to be. I always discussed my Morons letters with him. I ended up cutting off our correspondence because it was just too painful. I wanted someone I could talk to about things that bothered me and get some sympathy. My Moron has zero empathy and doesn’t even pretend to care about anyone but himself. Corresponding with him was draining.
34 years later he found my email address thru my university (I’d come into his 6th sphere when he found a box of old letters on a shelf). When he realized I was no longer married, he wanted to try for us to up our relationship. I thought maybe he’d matured and grown as a person. I knew I had. I didn’t recognize he was a narc because he was so shy. I didn’t know there were shy narcs. That’s what led my to this blog, trying to figure him out.
All my family, including my exhusband, has always known about this long-distance attempt at a relationship. I am always upfront about everything. They all recognized my M for what he was right off. I think it shocked my exhusband to realize some other man could be interested in me now, even if he was a crazy, midrange narc. If anything, I think it has led my exhusband to treat me better and be more considerate than he was before.
And it’s also made me better appreciate my exhusband’s intelligence. Life with him was often hell and I’d never live with him again if I have a choice, but at least when he was being condescending and arrogant he had reason. I think it would be unbearable to be tied to a dumb man who didn’t even understand himself.
Windstorm
Ah, thank you for the background. Wow youve been on a wild ride. Your last paragraph is true but it still made me laugh.
This is a great story Windstorm ! I thought it was very romantic until you said you found corresponding with him draining after all.
I wish to be more open meeting new people..
If I would take a Trans-Siberian train I would probably finish the journey without even knowing the name of the person sitting next to me.
Abrokenwing
Funny you said you wouldn’t talk to people in a train! I wouldn’t either!! This was back in the 70’s and Spanish men went nuts over blond haired, blue-eyed girls. I had zero interest in them and did everything I could to look ugly, but that didn’t matter. They would circle us like a pack of dogs. We were told by the university to not go out alone.
I had missed my train in Sevilla and had just spent all afternoon hiding out and fighting off obnoxious guys and I was exhausted. As I walked into the train station, 4 guys all looked up at me at the same time. I thought, “No, no, no! Please God, please keep them away from me!! Please!!!” I looked around and saw two American looking guys and thought, “If I go stand by them, they won’t be interested in me bc I look so rough, but maybe it’ll keep the other guys away.” I did, but they kept watching me, so I figured maybe it work work better if the Spanish guys saw me actually talk to the American guys, so I turned to the nearest one and introduced myself. Turned out he was really German , incredibly shy but 6feet tall and all the other guys left. So that’s why I talked to my Moron. I always considered him my answer to a prayer from God. That’s why I still put up with him.
Having WP issues, testing email to see if it works. Test
Indy, you are not the only one. Have you checked your ISP Spam folder? WP sends emails from at least two different email addresses. I added them to the White/Safe Sender’s list at ISP level. WP emails in the Spam folder are not always sent to a local computer or device when downloaded. I also click Confirm Follow when receiving WP emails – Subject: “[Subscribe] Comments on Knowing the Narcissist – please confirm”. Some emails get lost, though.
Having never met in person and I had never offered a photo, I suggested that we both attend a public place so we could see each other but not speak. That way if there was no physical attraction and I was not for him there would just be no further contact. I was testing him and doubted he would show. (Not my first rodeo).
Him: Oh believe me, I already know youre for me.
Me: How can you be so sure? There has to be physical attraction.
Him: I can tell just from talking with you youre the one. (I didnt know then that they will refer to you as that but I knew it was way odd and way too fast).
I wait and sure enough-morning of the day when we were to meet later, he messaged to say: I so wanna do this thing but I cant make it tonight. Uh huh.
We did meet eventually. He announced immediately “we got the spark babe. Major spark”.
Texted me shortly after to say his life was “all good”. Work is great, my guys respect me, and now Ive found you.
Flag Flag Flag if you can get over your ego and see it for the smoke up your ass it really is.
I feel so empowered knowing all the signs to look for now. I’m glad you called him on his BS! Bravo!
Hmmm none of these. My very first ignored red flag was him making a special event of mine about him and he verbally said he made it about himself. He pouted through this event, a happy event that was a celebration of a success for me. The second red flag was a marriage proposal verbally over the phone at 2 month mark. I should have ran. I didn’t give an answer u til the one year mark.
Off topic question, anyone having issues getting emails sent to you indicating responses to the blog. I’m not Amyore on new articles. I used to get an email if I checked both boxes below and subscribe but now I’m not even getting that. WordPress issue? Suggestions?
If I don’t respond to you please not think I am ignoring you, I just missed the fact that you, any of you, have responded to me or send a message to me.
Hi Indy! I am just now reading some of these comments but I wanted to let you know that this happened to me last night. I’ve noticed a few changes in WP. I hit both boxes also but I didn’t get any emails about the particular post. I didn’t get the usual subscription email that I normally do.
Same here. Not been getting any e-mail notifications for a while, despite checking both boxes.
I’m embarrassed to say this…but one of the red flags I excused away was Lying. A few days after my roommate moved in with me (I had only met her a few times before and needed a roommate for financial reasons) she was telling me about her abusive mother. More condemning details escalated about her mother until she said something really shocking. The next day she told me that what she said about her mother was true (and I felt for sorry for her then and sorry for her now), but that the last most shocking thing she told me about her mother was a lie–it didn’t happen. Then she said without emotion, “I don’t know why I do that sometimes.”
I excused away that first lie because I thought at least she had the integrity to come clean and apologize. I also minimized it with the excuse that she’s been through so much hardship she’s just a little f*cked up right now, anyone would be after going through what she says she’s been through. I thought she would get better, that it was just a glitch, a mistake, and that she realizes it was wrong, admitted it and apologized, all she needs is some stability and love and she’ll get better. I felt sorry for her.
A lot of why I put up with the behaviours that she did was out of feeling sorry for her. She didn’t have anybody, she said all her family and old friends were trouble. She had left with nothing but a duffle bag, moved to a women’s shelter a couple of hours away and started brand new. I didn’t meet any of her old friends or family for a long time (after all they were trouble). After about a year I met one of her old friends by chance for a few minutes. And after about two years I also met her mother briefly, she was cold and indifferent towards her daughter.
And no, she didn’t get better. It got worse. There were brief golden periods, but then things went back to how they were before and then some. The constant walking on eggshells, even in the “good moments” was draining. The “friendship” just became slowly, inch by inch more about her. I became afraid to really talk about myself much, mine or anybody else’s troubles in case it would start another “crisis.” She would self harm, threaten suicide, and tell everyone within earshot that she was depressed and how much of hard time she’s having. The more time people spent with her, the more they too were walking on eggshells around her. Regular depressed people keep it to themselves, they downplay it, and trying to get them to talk about depression is like pulling teeth–Not with her. Her suicide attempts were odd too. She take enough pills to give herself only a stomach ache, and then immediately call for help. Rather than trying to hide her “depression” she showboated it. And even though she attempted suicide numerous times, she only took enough pills to give herself a stomach ache and nothing more. Or rather it would just give her stomach ache, but since she immediately got attention there wasn’t even that.
There were plenty of red flags over the years, but at the end of it all it was the lying that gets to me the most. The first lie she told me, that it wasn’t enough the sympathy I was giving her from stories I believe were true, that she had to up the ante and say something really outrageous, and frankly grotesque, just for added shock value. That the truth didn’t matter, just the emotion I was giving her. And then to ignore that she said “sometimes” in that addition to her apology, like a thought she accidentally said out loud. “I don’t know why I do that (lie) sometimes.” It was the first time she lied, but certainly wasn’t the last. Not to myself or others. Her lying hurts me the most.
I’ve been thinking about this for a few days now. Wondering if the first lie that I knew she told was actually the first lie she told me. Also wondering about the fact that she only apologized for the first lie that I was aware of and none of the following ones, even when I called her out on it. Makes me wonder if her admitting and apologizing for that first lie was just a test to see if I would put up with it, how quick I was back then to forgive and forget and think the best of people. I haven’t lost complete trust in the human race, don’t get me wrong, it’s just now I’m more suspicious. Wondering things like that…was it a test? What do you guys think? HG?
From the oddball things he said, I knew something was wrong…but, I thought it was a different something. I saw the schizoid but I didn’t see the narcissist…
Louiseg
Me too
He said he ‘ loves me ‘ before we even kissed, before anything romantic happened between us.
He also said he will marry me and will get half of my house. That’s a huge red flag right? 🚨❗️😆
I thought he was joking..😐
When they say weird shit like that you always think they’re joking. The mask slips. . .
1.) In fact we DID meet at the narcissist’s home when his IPPS wasn’t there. BUT he told me it was the house of a friend… He didn’t tell me his family name… It took me six months and a lot of research on the internet to find out that he was dating me in his OWN house…
2) Wanting to have sex IMMEDIATELY after having seen me for the first time… three days of permanent messaging during the initial seduction… Sudden change of behaviour and attitude right after the first sexual encounter … getting reproachful, nasty, cold, and withdrawn…
3) Going on a journey “spontaneously” after one week of intense text messaging, claiming to have to clear his mind and clarify his feelings towards me… without telling me where the journey would lead to and how long it would last. Being uncontactable during the “journey”.
4) Refusing to use a preservative for the first encounter (and all the others that were yet to come) “Babe, I am clean, and you are clean too!!!” …
5) Developping ideas and phantasies about engaging in aggressive, reckless sexual practices with me right after the initial seduction…
And so on and on and on …
My Narc within the first four months would call me at 5pm and say “Good Night”. I got in my Car, drove to his place, just in time to see him drive away to his Ex Girlfriends house. He was going to bed, just not with me. I insisted he end it with her then an there or I would leave him. He did.
Little did I know then, he had another one going also.
Vermin! All of them!!!
Mine wasn’t really there except for in a relationship with someone else but I know you can’t put every red flag in the world.
Mine was more intensity vs. real intimacy. He didn’t give a shit about knowing me. Everything was lightning fast and rushed. At 16, I didn’t know anything about this. I just thought this 34 year old man was head over heals in love with me and that he was definitely going to leave his wife.
It was absolutely awesome to have the affirmation and attention he provided. I had never experienced that before from either parent and, of course, there was that small detail of me being a child. I thought I was garbage. I was with him for six years since I was on the shelf…pretty low maintenance for him. I had no idea at the time that he thought I was garbage, too, and that it was all fake. He gave me the opportunity to learn that later. I was definitely easy pickins.
12345,
I am so sorry. You were so young. He was garbage. No normal 34 year old man goes after a 16 year old girl.
pushy rush rush rush… we discussed some things but not in depth… not enough. I didn’t see the rush as a red flag because I had no clue it was one back then…
All of the above..he targeted me at a point in my life when I was increadably successful in my career but was lost in my personal life (recently single).I fell in head first.He moved in right away.I figured things out within a year..but by then he had me hooked.I kicked him out…but then he hovered and I took him back.I suffered for 12 years.We now have a 6 year old son and we are hiding.I cut ties blocked him and now have been free for 2 months…i have a good support system but am fearful everyday he will surface.
I actually caught the “I love you” within a few days and he wanting to get matching rings right away and I actually deleted him. I told him that nobody does that so fast.
Then after a couple days, I felt and bad I didn’t want to hurt his feelings cause he did sound nice. So I called him back.
He responded by playing up the victim act. Saying yes he was extremely hurt cause I caused him to feel bad.
Then he said that I was right that was rushing things.
Now that he’s gone, I have learned he was using things he learned from his job to manipulate me into moving away from my whole family to be with just him.
He used social engineering to change my feelings about the red flags.
He used interrogation techniques. Security with homeland.
He told me in the beginning to be smart and don’t ask questions.
Wrong thing to tell someone who asks questions. After future faking me and raging and roller coaster of emotions for over a year, he just emailed a discard “book”, and married someone else 3 months later.
We met on a dating site.
When I very first met him we started being chatty because of his accent. I asked him if he was married and he said no. I said “do you want to be?” and laughed. After a couple of weeks, when he came to my house, I asked him again if he was married and he said yes. He went on to tell me how they never had sex anymore, she yelled at the girls all the time etc. I said, if you’re so miserable, why don’t you get a divorce? He said he couldn’t afford one. This is the part that sent up red flags. . . he kept bringing up how he loved to be naked. He loved walking around his house all the time in the nude and was an expert in the bedroom. He also walked around this way in front of his 2 teenage daughters, always had. Said he didn’t ever want them to be embarrassed about their bodies. WTF? Who says this on the first date? The next day at work I told a friend what he had said and she told me how weird that was and I should run. (That and the fact that he was married.) I told him I couldn’t see him anymore but he kept texting me and showing up at my house unannounced. He wore me down. I asked him, “didn’t you read the email I sent you about not starting something because you’re married?” and he said “I’m not going to let a little thing like THAT discourage me!”. It felt exciting to have him want to fight to keep seeing me. Made me feel special. In my marriage and previous engagement before marriage, neither one of them asked me to stay or try to work things out. That’s why this was particularly endearing to me. The truth hurts.
Hi robin….when i read this i cringed. The fact he walks around naked in front of his daughters screams sexual pedophile to me. A normal person would never do that. Its so sickening. Also the fact he told you tells me hes perverted and takes pride in the fact he does this. His poor daughters 🙁 very wrong on so many levels. I bet theres so much more to that guy than youll ever know.
My narc loves to walk around his apt naked but hes single and lives alone and his apt you cant see into easily. He told me he does this when hes horny. Hes got a kinky side but if he ever brought up a teen seeing him naked id be so turned off id dump him.
I know, I should have ran! After he said that he stated “I just don’t get you Americans and all the incest that goes on here.” 😳WTF? He said his wife was always telling him “oh put your clothes on!” I always felt so sorry for his wife and daughters.
Hi RS…he was telling on himself. Ive watched a few u tube vids where they explain how narcissists like to hint or tell indirectly who they really are. Thetes blogs on here too ive read about this very thing. The comment on incest hes making light of like americans are oversensitive to it to deflect the fact he probably has incestuous thoughts. Hes guilty of some sick things 🙁
“I bet theres so much more to that guy than youll ever know.”
Of THAT, I am certain! He also told me, right off the bat, that he had been on a dating site but he wasn’t anymore. I thought it was strange that he was married and on one. Hmm. Here’s another weird thing. . . he showed me, on his computer (yes, he invited me over to his house while his wife was at work! What was I thinking?!) his collage of vaginas. He said he got them on line but who knows? Maybe he knew some of them? I had no idea that vaginas came in so many shapes, sizes and forms. One had her labia lips tied in a knot. Oh my! It was like a den of horrors. By the way, he invited me over to his house because I told him I couldn’t look anywhere in MY house and not visualize us NOT having sex. He said, come over to mine and we will do it in every spot you like so I will think of YOU. He had released the vixen in me and I liked it. (I had been married to boring vanilla for 23 years prior) NOW, I feel horrible about what he was doing to his wife. The more he talked about her, the more I took her side and thought, why doesn’t she leave his sorry ass? I keep hoping that she does leave him and tells him to put it where the sun don’t shine. I want to believe in Karma so much right now.
Hi RS….wow he of course only showed you the mild stuff im sure if you searched his computer thered be much more horrors. He sounds ultra creepy. I like kinky too but i cant get past the fact he walks around naked in front of his daughters thats so not ok. Hopefully his wife does leave him and hopegully his daughters werent molested by him. The daughters are the biggest victims. So glad youre not with him anymore! He sounds very icky and scary.
Icky, scary and creepy. . . they all describe him, for certain! I worried about his daughter’s also. Once he told me “I was telling Cheryl (his eldest daughter) about the improvements I was going to make on the new house and she said ‘I don’t care what you do, as soon as I am 17, I AM OUT OF HERE!'” Something was going on there for sure. His wife is more educated than he is and has a high paying job at a hospital in the lab department. I know she makes much more money than he does (probably why he got so mad at me one time when I told him how much money I had from my ex-husband’s retirement. He blew up and said ‘I don’t care how much money you have!!’) That scared the shit out of me. The point I was trying to make is, why does she stay? He doesn’t have sex with her anymore and sleeps in a separate room. All he does is cut her down and belittle her. He showed me a picture of her once and she looked so sad. Like a ghost of a person. I wanted to get in touch with her and tell her what he was but he had blocked me on his and her FB after I blocked him. I know he has a good time spending her money and he used to tell me about all the expensive things he bought himself. A $3,000 camera. (so he could take naked pictures of himself and others, no doubt) I’m so glad to be rid of that, that. . . . fill in the blank!
Hi robin…i feel awful for his wife! Fortuneately she has a way to support herself so when she does decide she can leave him.
Yes. I can’t stop wondering what keeps her there? After 21 years of marriage to him, she must know what he is or at the very least know he has cheated on her.
I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with my soon-to-be ex and one of the things that stands out loud and clear now is he never had any true male friends. When we first started talking, ALL he talked about was his female friends and throughout the whole marriage, he really seemed to focused on our mutual female friends not the males. Constantly talking and teasing them to make them giggle. He even kept one on the line that was an ex of his. She was always in the picture as far as sending messages about random things on Facebook and inviting her to our parties. He was hoovering her and I didn’t even realize it. I wasn’t necessarily the jealous type though so I let it go on year after year. The teasing, flirting, triangulating, hoovering. ugh!
EasyBreezy.. mine has no true male friends either but has a heap of female “friends” .. one of which i found out turned out to be his IPSS.. am sure half of them had been in some sort of relationship with him..i remember when we first met, I asked him about friends and he said “i have alot of female friends.. is that a problem?”.. sigh….
Tiddlywink…The last few years I’ve literally felt ill watching his display of needing to be the center of attention ALWAYS in every scenario.And of course it’s always the females that he targets and laps it up like a starving dog. He left me for another woman so I hope she doesn’t mind his flirting because she’s going to have to deal with it now. Along with the cover put downs, blame-shifting, silent treatments, and laziness. She’s pretty insecure from what I can tell so I’m sure she’s not going to turn a blind eye to it as much as I did. I can’t wait to watch this relationship implode. We have a daughter together so I’ll be around enough to know and see the signs of her misery.
He started w compliments. Then, he wud want to text for long periods (more than 2 hrs). He wud say that if he were married to me, he wud come along if i visit my parent’s home, becoz he didn’t want to b apart.
Then his behavior changed. When i was not w him, he wud barely txt me. Luckily, during those days we wud see each other often tho. This sudden shift in behavior was a red flag but i didn’t recognize it.
None of the above. If there were red flags, they were put into logical context of conversation. Maybe I will confess, and admit that he spoke poorly of the ex (he, the victim of her narcissism). But then again, aren’t I doing the same thing this very minute? Perhaps add a yellow flag for mental health professionals. He was much too clever to out himself. He underestimated me though, but I hid it. He’s a mental health consultant and does assessments of people all day, every day. He knows what he is, of this I have no doubt.
EraseViper,
OMG. It is like a real life version of that show “The Fall” on Netflix.
Ah yes, The Fall. Good show but no he was not that intense and in most ways opposite to the sociopath that came before him. But time always produces tells no matter how smart they think they are and In my opinion for most the damage is done when we think we can handle their behavior by changing our own oddly enough. Then at some point you have to realize life is too short to focus on another person all the time, Generating negative energy all over the place and aimed imternally. It doesn’t matter to what extent they are warped or hurtful or bizarre. In this case, his behaviour was too subtle to detect on any surface level. But my radar was fine tuned and if you let them think their behavior is okay long enough they eventually get comfortable. I even stated this to him I’m our long discussions about ppsychopath in general. Unfortunately doing that, you run a risk of allowing yourself to normalize the behavior . Search hard and identify what you hold to be limits of your higher self and don’t give up an inch because that inch and every inch thereafter is your self esteem being chipped away.
Yes, that character was intense. You remind me of a quote my bff sent to me that said something along then lines of, “you know too much psychology when other people’s behavior doesn’t make you angry.” I try to understand way too much. Lol
How can I answer these questions, when I was chosen at 14 by my husband, all I knew was him. He chose me young, his words ” so he could train me”. He just didn’t think I would grow up. He thought I would never leave. I grew up and educated myself, he hates that I survived his abuse. Thanks to your books, I see what he has done and what he was doing all my life, I’ve been FREE from his physical assaults and psychological abuse for 7 years now. I wish I would have found your books, sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of pain in regards to his Hoovering and having Lieutenants, my life was his. You are absolutely right about everything, I can’t believe it!! I’m exercising no contact because he has been trying to punish me for the last 7 years for leaving him. I’d be dead if I stayed one more day. His abuse almost killed me, and it took him breaking my neck, for me to leave. I waited 11 weeks to finally tell someone, because I thought I was dieing and I had to save my two youngest children. In those 11 weeks he started to throw his ass again and I knew one more punch I’d be dead. I was “Zombified” by him. It’s hard for me to answer some of these quizzes because My Narcisst “grew up” with me. He “raised” me, his way. “Training” is what he called it. 20 years of his hell. I was35 year olds when he was forced to leave, and I had to take a crash course in life, because I only lived his life, all my life. I’m not apologizing for this, long long comment, Thank you for writing these books, they have certainly opened my eyes to understanding what happened to me.
Suzanne,
Sending prayers your way. So glad you got out. Hugs.
The only two that didn’t set off red flags for me was message bombardment and wanting to be together all the time (texting/calling, we never actually met). I think that’s because those two fit with my own personality. I tend to be an all or nothing sort of person and just thought I’d met another one.
So often we hear that we should have realized that no one could have fallen in love with us so quickly. But I fall in love that quickly. And my love never ends. Perhaps that is symptomatic of my own personality disorder, like not having boundaries or believing that I am permanently connected to people.
Despite having always lived with narcissists, I had never experienced lovebombing or a golden period. I just thought he was crazy with some personality disorder. I thought, “Eh, I can deal with crazy.” It was when I realized he was only interested in what he wanted and didn’t care about me at all, that I lost hope. He was so totally selfish and being a midranger, didn’t know enough to hide it.
Ahh the red flags.. funny, that I only got to know about the red flags after searching the internet for inconsistent behavior .. i.e nice one minute and cold the next..and his inability to be available to answer calls in the evening..which guided me to HG’s blog and the word ‘narcissist’ .. after which it all made sense..i never ever met his family.. in fact he blocked me early on his parents and brother’s social media so that i wouldn’t dare message them.. but the clincher came when i discovered his double life that he was in a relationship with 2 women for long periods of time…and neither of them knew about each other.. let alone about me. However, early on before i put two and two together, he used to message constantly ‘whats up’ and if i didnt reply in a timely manner it meant to him that i was f..king someone! ! What ridiculousness and how insecure can someone get?! At the time I thought he must really miss me and be worried that i might meet someone else.. even a little possessive which i found quite cute, but after a while it became annoying being made to be available 30 times a day for no return or for accusations if i didnt reply within 1 min!! When he didn’t or couldn’t take calls in the evening he said its because he lives with his sister and was embarrassed to talk in front of her.. silly me believed him for sometime but the penny dropped when i found out he lived with his long term girlfriend and stil does.. Grrrrr. . What a waste of 6 months that was…
How did you find out about the other women? You must be an investigator like myself lol.
Hi Pinkfire..after being suspicious about his behavior and inconsistencies and lies, and the fact he has no male friends but a heap of women “friends”.. something didnt sit right, so one night i had a look on his fb..and he had commented on one of his family members page but under a different name and profile pic…however i recognised the pic and it was him, and after looking at that other fb profile of his, found this woman (whom he had said all along was a “friend”), had commented on his profile pic and other pics of his with love hearts etc, and after then looking at her fb profile saw she had them in a relationship since 2014!! I nearly fainted to think how much of a liar he was and what a user he was.. lying to me, this woman on his other fb profile and the live in gf of 8 years… of course he denied all of it, but it was plain as day on her profile what they were, and still are. He then blocked me from her fb profile and also blocked me from the live in gf’s fb profile..he had their fb passwords..amazingly…and said if i ever dared to ruin his image by trying to contact either of them..then my life would not be worth living..he went into such a rage thinking his cover would be blown. At the time it shattered me because i was so hurt, but i was more furious that he was and still is getting away with it, and neither of those 2 women are aware of what he is…am no contact now for 10 weeks….
I completed the vote for the mid range narc that I knew – I thought I would go back and vote again for the other longer term narc (as that vote would have a different result) but now I realise that I can only vote once!!!! Diva
More than one Narc. Ugh. Did you have different answers for each one?
Hi Sophia yes I have known more than one narc (not at the same time!!!!)……although I was unaware as to what they were at the time ……..I can only answer for myself…….but yes I would have had different red flag answers for each particular narc……..they were not the same type of narc and their lifestyles were completely different. Ugh…. does tend to sum it up!!!!!! Diva
Interesting. I’ve only had the pleasure of one, a MRN.
Let’s hope it stays that way for you Sophia as many of us on this blog have attracted more than one…….I am currently narc free (apart from HG and this blog) but deflecting them continues to be a constant battle. I think there must be a lot of them where I live……maybe it’s something to do with the gene pool……. Diva
I know my mother had narcissistic qualities and I’m sure her ex husband is somewhat sociopathic. Although, he wasn’t intelligent so I wonder if he’d be more of a Lesser Narc. I made it a point to look for something different than the life I was brought up in. At 35, I slipped when I met him.
‘We are Soul Mates! You are my SM’ – bullshit.
I looked back on his soc media and saw Soul Mate posts the year prev and another victim commenting with hearts…….yawnnnn….
Never met a friend or family parent or sibling, only the children that lived with him.
Red Flags of lies about the tiniest thing that needn’t have been. Compulsive liar.
Red Flag – always online late at night, juggling conversations like you are too dim to notice.
I knew before I met him he was a narcissist but I still went on the ride for the thrill,
thinking I could control the wheel………………….I wish I hadn’t.
Debs,
How long did you stay involved with him? Did you question him when he lied? Did you make him aware that you knew he was juggling conversations?
I completely understand the thrill of the ride…