The Weapon That Is Infidelity
Infidelity is a given when you are ensnared by one of our kind. We know that it is not pleasant for you to think of us in the arms of another, conjoined in sexual congress as we do things with them that we have done with you and then we return to you. We know that infidelity is something that someone like you abhors. You have a strong moral compass, you behave in an honest and decent fashion and expect us to do the same. That will not happen. You place considerable belief in the question of trust and the concept of monogamy. Our infidelity will manifest in lots of different ways: –
- Having sexual liaisons with third parties, some of whom will be strangers and others will be prospects who are looking to seduce;
- Sending and receiving text messages of a sexual content;
- Describing online what we want to do to someone and they to you;
- Sexual liaisons with your friends and family members;
Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex. Admittedly, the physical sensation is enjoyable but that is not the reason we are repeatedly unfaithful. In terms of our attitudes to sex and especially sex with you, read Sex and the Narcissist. For the purposes of this publication it is sufficient to explain that when are unfaithful the sex is not the primary purpose. It is the fact that in your world sex is equated with love, affection and attraction and as a consequence it serves a purpose as a formidable weapon in our hands. We use it to seduce to we can additional fuel from third parties. We use it to seduce a new prospect who will provide us with fuel and will ultimately replace you. Initially we will be covert about our infidelity as we do not wish to damage having you as our primary source and therefore our need to obtain fuel from secondary sources through infidelity will remain covered up. Over time we will continue to use sex with other people as a means of gaining additional fuel but we will also be doing this to seduce your replacement. Eventually when we start our devaluation of you, we will be far less covert concerning our extra-marital affairs and often we will not care if you know or not. Indeed, we may even flaunt a mistress in front of you for the purposes of making you try harder and to provoke you so that you provide us with additional negative fuel.
Infidelity is not about the sex. It is about fuel. It is about control. Being unfaithful to you abuses your trust, it pours scorn on the vows we have taken and makes a mockery of you and what you stand for. It is abusive behaviour and to expect a narcissist to always be faithful is like expecting the tide to stop advancing when you tell it do so. It just will not happen. Infidelity is second nature to us because the weapon that is sex is just too good not to use to gain additional fuel. If there was another device that was so potent we would use it instead. The fact that sex feels enjoyable is just a matter of nerve endings and a pleasant side-effect. For us, sex is all about using it to further our aims; gathering fuel.
We will be unfaithful to you at some point. That is a guarantee. When we are first seducing you, we will be in the process of devaluing someone else leading to his or her discard. We most likely will have withdrawn sex from the victim who we are devaluing and be having sex with you as the new object of our seduction. This does not mean that since you are the apple of our eye we will be faithful to you. We will have intermittent sex with the person who is subjected to the devaluation either as a means of giving them a short golden period again or for the purposes of extracting further fuel by subjecting them to humiliating sexual activities. We will also be courting other prospects also as well as you and therefore there is a strong likelihood we will be bedding that person also. We will, when seducing you, maintain an image of fidelity since that is what you expect. If you are conducting an affair with us, we will assure you that our current partner (whom we are devaluing) never has sex with us, we sleep in separate beds and so on. We will bemoan the fact they never have sex with us in order to draw sympathy from you as the new prospect.
By contrast, we will triangulate you as the new prospect with our current partner. We will drop heavy hints that we are being unfaithful or even actively admit it in order to further the hurt. Our rationale behind this is that monogamy is for the little people and this does not include us. That would make us less special and we cannot have that. We are entitled to seek sex outside of a relationship because this is our inalienable right to enable us to obtain fuel. We feel no guilt in doing this, we do not respect any vows we may have given to remain faithful to you and we have no qualms about coupling with someone else. The reason for this is that we have to do it and in a perverse way, the only reflection on you is that you are not giving us the fuel we need. It is not a reaction to what you look like, what you do, who your friends are or what your interests might happen to be. We will of course use them, as a method of lashing out at you should you try and question us about our infidelity because as I have explained in Manipulated we will deploy blame shifting frequently when we are under attack. It is often the case that when a partner learns of the infidelity of their partner that they will scrutinise their own conduct.
“Is it something I have done?”
This means that you will examine your own behaviour and try to improve in some way because you will want to salvage our relationship. The fact of your addiction means you do not want to let us go. You will be mightily hurt and offended by our infidelity but you will try to find some way of fixing it because that is what you like to do. If our infidelity shows any risk of causing you to depart, we will hastily reinstate the golden period, as a Preventative Hoover, if you will, to stop you departing from us. Most of the time however, because of the way you are, you blame yourselves (often because we warp your way of thinking to do this) and you try to patch things over. Your need to resolve matters results in you clinging to us notwithstanding our fidelity. Indeed, in some instances you want to prove that you are better than the person we committed our infidelity with. You want to fight to retain us and ensure that our relationship triumphs.
We will also use infidelity as a means by which to control you and make you do what we want: –
“If you gave me more attention I would not go elsewhere.”
“If you put out more often I would not have to get it from someone else.”
“Perhaps if you hadn’t let yourself slide I wouldn’t stray would I?”
“If you thought more about me rather than yourself perhaps it would not have happened?”
“I won’t leave you, I should, but I will stay but some things are going to have to change.”
You are the victim. We have committed the transgression but other than when we fear you might leave us and sever our supply of fuel, we will not apologise but pin the blame on you. You will have been subjected to a succession of manipulation wiles in order to browbeat you and lower your resistance so that when we unveil our infidelity we use it as a method of getting what we want from you, namely more fuel and more control.
Infidelity is bad enough in the context of a “normal” relationship. With our kind it will always happen, it will always happen with many people and will do so repeatedly. It is a further black flag of abusive behaviour.
22 thoughts on “The Weapon That Is Infidelity”
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Hi Kim, Audio only. It was fine. I was of course nervous but it was actually just more important to me to talk to someone who would be straight talking and tell me the facts. I was under no illusion that he may tell me things that I didn’t want to hear about myself. But actually he confirmed what I had discovered thus far and expanded on my actions and reactions which was REALLY insightful as many people think i’ve had a breakdown (as this is what the narc has told people). I currently have huge trust issues in myself that are deep seated in my cognitive ability to decision make. Understanding why HG has this site and knowing he is not interested in anything other than sharing his greater knowledge on ‘his kind’ allowed me the freedom to listen and except what he was saying in a unique way that other people have been unable to help with. His voice is all good!
Awesome thanks for replying
I have been slightly on the wrong side of this subject.
Huge thank you to HG for walking me through what has happened to me via Skype consult and more importantly confirming that I have been a victim of a narc and detailing the reasoning behind not only his but my own actions, as I feared that I was everything that I am being portrayed as by the narc. Luckily, I hope as he is not ‘my narc’ and I have been dropped and smeared before anything further or unforgivable happened that I will be left well alone. People will believe what they think they know but I now know why I was targeted and for what purpose and that’s really important to me, so thanks HG!
You are welcome Emily, I am pleased the consultation proved of such use to you.
I have to ask lol I know he does audio and email consults was the Skype consult via video lol I could not even do an audio consult his voice renders me speechless
Fucking someone else while with me is disrespectful and I will not tolerate being disrespected.
I also don’t need someone’s nasty whore dirty dick near me.
I never flirted or did anything disrespectful in front of him at parties, social gatherings etc.
That’s a big deal for me because I used to a very “friendly” and well flirtatious person.
Right before he became official he said to me that I would probably be the reason why he got into a lot of fights. He didn’t like leaving me alone at a party or in public for that long. I made a point to make him feel like he was safe and I altered my behavior to be more respectful and to make him feel more secure.
That was a mistake. He felt far too safe. What an idiot.
My ex tried to make me jealous – like flirt or something in my presence very very early on in the relationship. I think it occurred approximately 2 times and he never did it again.
The first time he flirts with a waitress who was very blah – i put that piece of shit in place real fast – he never pulled that shit again.
The second time we were at a Halloween party – I was a sexy Wednesday Adams and the youngest one there. He didn’t pay any attention to me the whole night and I think he was like pretend humping one of his friends wife’s asses in a goofy way for attention and my wires crossed and let’s just say he never fucking ever did that again.
He needed to be put in his place. He wasn’t going to get away with that behavior. How dare he do that to me and in front of people…. publically ??!!
Yeah like I said he never did it again ….
He learned… for once.
May I ask what you did to “reprimand” his dumb ass? I too have had severe meltdowns on mine when I felt that I was shamelessly disrespected. I cannot handle it at alllll..
I don’t try harder. I clock out and find a new man.
I don’t tolerate infidelity. I would leave and never look back.
Some things are unforgivable. Infidelity is completely unforgivable.
“Although I know it is scant consolation to you since ultimately it is the breach of trust which causes you the greatest pain, we do not commit acts of infidelity because we want the sex.”
It would actually be more of a consolation if your infidelity was JUST for the sex….some of us might be able to resonate with that,,,,,,,the fact that you use infidelity as a weapon for fuel and control of both us and the other victim is what is abhorrent to me.
I found this article a difficult read……because I know only too well that where a narc is involved, infidelity is not merely a weapon as you state above…….to us it is a bomb…….it does not simply wound…….it annihilates…….the only one left standing is the narc……..Diva
My exnarc spent two weeks flirting via messenger with a friend of mine from Facebook she notified me when the flirting started but he had contacted her initially after I had got mad and told him I was done with his lies and abuse she forwarded screen shots of their entire message history to me it started off with telling her I had left him and trying to get her sympathy and then escalated to flirting he later admitted to me he did the entire thing to make me jealous the only thing he’s ever admitted to of course he did it for fuel too he’s so damn stupid though he actually told her in one of the messages she needed to join a gym ( she has a serious weight problem) what kind of a moron would tell a woman he’s flirting with to join a gym no wonder he can’t find anyone smh
No wonder he fucked his IPSS. Because I wasn’t jealous of his many girlfriends, he had to stoop really low for fuel. HURL! (cranky)
I found this hard reading first time around and it’s no easier on a second read. When I broke NC last week, My ex N swore he didn’t sleep with other women. All lies. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence he lied.
Narcissists are so damaged they believe their own b/s.
Its just sex, who cares. Men are like animals, men are meant to breed with others; plant their seed, and leave the woman to care for their family. Sex and intimacy is not the same.
Intimacy is about building trust, and being able to commuinacate with one another about your feelings.
Sex is a activity we engage in with another person in order to physically feel pleasure, but in HG’s case; fuel.
Note: most of 2nd and 3rd paragraph above copied frm wikipedia.
You don’t fool me.
Don’t reply with an insult.
I’m slightly confused lmao.
but, i am the lurking stalking shark, lets not forget.
HG, does this include women to. I assume you mean either sex or is it different for a female narcissist.
Hello Gareth, yes it includes woman also. I use reference to male but this always includes the female (it is easier than keep typing him or her, he or she etc).
YEs. One of the first things I did upon escape was have a battery of STD tests. It was also “fun” being called deviant, having multiple partners, acting whoreish and so forth. Deep down I knew it was projection. It still cuts. Even out. Hearing these accusations in my head now.