The Lesser Narcissist
Here comes a Lesser Narcissist. We shall call him Lee.
“What did you call me?”
Hello Lee. A Lesser Narcissist.
“No I’m not, it’s you that’s the narcissist, I’m sick of you saying that there is something wrong with me, when it’s you that has the problem. You do it on purpose, always trying to wind me up, I’ve fucking had enough of it.”
Sigh. That’s another plate broken and a panel punched in the door. Again. He’s gone, but he will be back. You see, that’s a typical reaction of the Lesser. He doesn’t know what he is. Often he will not even know what a narcissist is, but if you try to tell him, even if you do it in a calm and pleasant way, he doesn’t hear what you are saying, he just hears the criticism. When that happens his fury ignites and usually he will lash out. That’s why he insulted me, tried to shift the blame on to me, smashed the plate and punched the door. He didn’t think about doing any of that. It just happened. He reacts and responds by instinct. He is a creature of instinct. I didn’t hear the front door slam so he must be in the house still. Let’s go and find him.
Here he is. Locked in his den. His bolthole and sanctuary from the criticism. He is tapping away on his ‘phone. Let’s see. Yes, he is texting a couple of ladies who he has been flirting with online. You see, he didn’t hang around to see my reaction to the ignition of his fury, but he knows it will have troubled me. Sometimes knowing that reaction will be enough but not today. His fuel supplies must be low. That’s why he is tapping into some secondary sources by texting or probably sexting these women. Let’s see if we can coax him out of his bolthole. I will knock at the door.
You see he has turned his head and smiled, but hasn’t answered my knocking. He is pleased that I have come to try to find out if he is alright. That makes him feel powerful. My reaction, of tip-toing to him and gently rapping on the door reinforces that he is the one who is superior in our relationship. Again, he doesn’t think this through, so do be grateful for your humble narrator explaining this for you, but that is what is happening inside of Lee. I knock again and call out his name. He remains silent. Lee knows that silent treatment makes him feel powerful. Add that sensation to the flirtatious messages I can see that he is receiving and he is receiving fuel from three sources. Me and two supplementary sources. They are probably acquaintances now since mobile numbers have been exchanged. The fury that Lee experienced at my perceived criticism will now be subsiding as the fuel is provided. This makes him feel calmer. Lee knows that certain things make him furious and then other things makes him calmer. Let’s ask him if he knows why.
“Hey Lee, don’t hide in there, why did you get angry like that? All I did was say that you are a lesser narcissist.”
Notice that I haven’t said this in a pleading way, or through tears, or even shouted it at him. I have made this point and asked the question in a neutral fashion. Watch what he does now. See how fast the irritation has arrived. This is because I am not giving him any fuel with my comment. I have also interrupted the flow of the fuel from the two women by distracting him. To make matters worse I have repeated the comment and he will perceive this as a criticism. Again, he won’t have worked any of this out, he is a Lesser so it doesn’t happen. Whereas I have explained the process. This is what actually happens in Lee’s mind.
- He hears my comment;
- He feels wounded by that comment. This manifests as irritation;
- His fury ignites.
It is as quick and as straight forward as that. Here comes the fury.
Lee marches from his desk and flings the den door open.
“How many fucking times have I told you not to disturb me when I am in my den? You never listen to me!”
Notice the contorted features as the fury takes over.
“I only asked a reasonable question.”
I say this in a neutral tone again. No fuel is being provided. This annoys him further because this is a criticism and it wounds him.
“Are you saying I am unreasonable?” he demands jutting his jaw forward in an aggressive manner.
Of course dear reader I said no such thing did I, but Lee doesn’t process it that way. My neutral remark is taken again as a criticism, hence his response.
“I’m just pointing out what you are and besides, you are always in there, messing around doing who knows what, you should be working.”
Lee rarely works. He doesn’t see any reason to. He believes I should keep him after all, in his mind he is the superior one and therefore I should run around after him. He only does chores when he knows he can get some fuel, for instance, chopping logs in the yard so people can admire his physical prowess, otherwise he won’t bother. Again Lee doesn’t think about chopping the logs in terms of receiving admiring looks from our neighbour Josie, he just knows when he does it, she smiles and talks to him and he feels good inside. But I digress. Back to the foaming Lee who is stood in the doorway of the den. He won’t let me in there. It is his domain. What is his is his and nobody else’s.
“What are you saying that for?” he growls. His fury is increasing at the criticism that he should be working. Here it comes. The right hand swipes and he slaps me across my face. You see he cannot control the fury and with Lee it manifests as heated fury as he lashes out.
I let out a cry and raise my palm to my face, eyes showing the pain arising from his physical abuse of me. Look at that small smile on his lips. That is because my fearful reaction has given him negative fuel. He wanted that. He doesn’t know that he wanted that but he knows that seeing me scared, upset, angry or frustrated, amongst other things makes him feel stronger and more powerful.
“You should be working,” I repeat but the neutral tone is gone now and it comes out part comment, part sob as the tears well up. His hand is raised to deliver another blow but he doesn’t because my tears are fuelling him. Although I have criticised him by stating he should be working, it will not feel like criticism to Lee because it is surrounded in emotion. That is what he wants. He doesn’t know that, but that is what he wants.
His fury is still there but it has receded within his parameters of control, low as they are. If I had kept on he would have erupted further and probably punched and kicked me down the hall. It has happened before. And will again. As a Lesser his control threshold is low and regularly his fury boils over into verbal and physical violence. Notice how he is standing there grinning. The provision of my fuel is making him feel powerful and that is why he looks happy. It is not true happiness. Lee doesn’t know what that is, but he knows that feeling powerful makes him feel good and that is why he is smiling. I am going to back off now.
I walk away and Lee content with the fuel he has extracted from me (although he does not know this) turns and goes back into the den. He will text the two ladies for a while longer, gathering more fuel and then with the fury receded and his fuel levels higher, he will feel more settled so he will watch one of his action films or play on his Xbox for a while. He won’t be thinking about me. He doesn’t have the function to do so for long when I am not in front of him. Lee as a Lesser is very much about dealing with what is on his plate. Yes, I will invade his consciousness from time to time but he is not given to planning. It is all spur of the moment, reaction, responses, instinct, seat of the pants. That is why he is seen as such a whirlwind, bouncing from one ignition of fury to the next. He has no overarching strategy, no grand design, but he is an aggressive hunter gatherer who knows that I, his longstanding and long suffering partner infuriates him but he keeps me around because, well, I do the chores and lie there and think of England when he is grinding away on top of me. Writing of which, let’s fast forward to bed time. I have retired first and here comes Lee padding up the stairs, a belly full of Scotch (he likes a few drinks when he is watching his films).
“Hey,” he says as he enters the darkened bedroom. He doesn’t lower his voice or gently shake me. Why would be bother when he is entitled to do as he pleases. Again, Lee doesn’t think that way, he just does it, he just acts in that manner of the entitled Lesser.
“What is it?” I ask blearily.
“Move over, I’m getting in.”
That’s his way of saying he wants sex. If he wanted to sleep he would just climb into bed. Notice how there is no apology for hitting me, no expression of concern or remorse for the earlier altercation. That’s because he has forgotten about it. Imagine Lee’s mind like a small external hard driver. It only has so much memory and automatically jettisons so much information. If in a few days’ time I refer to him slapping me he will give me a confused look and say,
“What are you talking about?”
That’s because he cannot recall it. It has been wiped from his mind. It is an instinctive reponse and demonstrates why with the Lesser he denies so much of what he is accused of and does it with sincerity because he really does not remember. There is no pretence, not like those from other schools. He does not remember, but that is a few days away. Let’s return to now.
“I said, move up, I am getting in.”
Still no apology. He continues as if nothing happened earlier. This is because he sees no wrong in what he has done. He responded. It was instinct to him and therefore for him, instinct is natural and correct. If I challenged him about his behaviour from before, now, it would be a criticism. His fury would be ignited and with the additional accelerant of the alcohol I would be dragged from the bed, beaten and forced to sleep downstairs. He may even throw me in my night clothes on to the street. All an instinctive reaction to the criticism and his lack of control over his ignited fury. I won’t challenge him though. I have learned not to, it is safer you see. It took me a long time to realise that this was the best course of action. I used to stand up to him you see. I thought that it would make him respect me if I did but it won’t. The Lesser regards any denial of their authority as criticism and, you’ve guessed it, the fury ignites.
Time to put on a performance then. If I refuse his advances he will kick off. If I don’t put in feigned enthusiasm, he will kick off. As a Lesser he is not very good at distinguishing between real and faked emotions at times. He is better with some than others. For instance, he knows real fear and upset compared to any that is faked. This is because he has the most experience of seeing people scared, upset and frightened so he instinctively knows when it is real and when it is not. When it comes to matters between the sheets although Lee believes himself to be the champion of sexual technique (he has certainly had plenty of partners as he regularly likes to boast about them to me) he could be rutting a slab of steak for all the variance and finesse he deploys. He wasn’t always like that. He did make an effort during our golden period, but that is long gone. Now he just wants to exert his dominance over me and be made to feel powerful so you will have to excuse me as I make the relevant noises, say the stock phrases and pull my porn faces. That will please Lee the Lesser and provide him with a final burst of delicious positive fuel before he slumps besides me and falls into an undisturbed sleep. He always sleeps well does Lee. His lesser function means that there is not a lot racing around in his mind as slumber approaches. So, there’s a glimpse of how a – I’d better whisper this so he doesn’t hear – Lesser Narcissist is. Now, turn around please, you shouldn’t be watching what comes next.
51 thoughts on “The Lesser Narcissist”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Jenna
Lessers are the nastiest creatures on the face of the earth. It was very brave of you to defend your mom even though you were a teenager at the time. Sorry you went through that.
Thank u.
Reading all of these lesser stories makes my heart bleed. Nobody should have to deal w such horrendous treatment. In the past few months, i have started to think my dad is a lesser. He would attack my mom verbally. My mom is a psychistrist so he would say ‘she is crazy because she treats crazies.’ He would say this in front of guests. Many times i caught him physically abusing my mom, and i had to jump in and try to move him off her. I was a teenager at the time.
Lessers repulse me. Ive met many lessers or what i suspect to be and i find them so obvious. Many come off lacking intelligence and rough around the edges. Theyre usually loud and belingerent and physically domineering. No thank you!!! A lesser is a narc i will never be ensnared by. It amazes me how many do and stay sadly. One lady i follow on u tube comes to mind. She stayed many yrs with her lesser narc despite the fact he horribly degraded her and physically abused her. Any narcissistic abuse is awful but lessers can be the most dangerous in regards to how impulsive they are.
I think in being so obvious perhaps they are the least dangerous. All weapons injure. But at least with a lesser what you see is what you get. Their cartoonish quality as mentioned before makes them easy to spot and avoid. It’s like they tattoo a psychopath code on their fore head. The less overt are scarier to me. And potentially more damaging bc: you don’t know what you’re dealing with, others don’t see it and the manipulation due to higher cognitive functioning is what I find lethal as MWDs.
Hi tappan zee…I definitely think lessers are the least dangerous in regards to detecting but maybe the most dangerous in impulsiveness. A lesser wont stop and think in a fit of fury if what they want to do will have dire consequences or not whereas a midranger or greater will.
Ive heard of the physical abuse of lessers and in a nonjudgemental way think to myself how can anyone stay in that. The same could be said of my situation too or any abusive situation. I do know id never put up with someone physically harming me yet emotional and psychological abuse is just as harmful.
Lessers dont know what they are and will never see it so they dont do well hiding it.
Dear HG,
The picture is so scary that it makes me want to cry! :'(
If women didn’t have sex outside of a marriage in the Catholic Church these things wouldn’t happen. It sucks to us humans, but it’s true. Unless you have been properly Catechized you won’t even understand what I am saying.
Being celibate to get away from men like that is not the worse thing in the world. Remaining celibate is the hard part but it gives women self respect and power.
CC
I grew up in the House of Lessers and the men don’t ask for consent. I was raped and my rapist was a catholic.
Bloody hell… K.
Ditto, Noname.
I’m Catholic by choice.
My narc was Catholic by birth.
This was used against me in court.
I could expand but won’t. If only we were all saints. What a judgmental slant. All sins, if you will, deserve punishment?
Go get re-catechized. I am only a convert though. His atty made it a point on the stand during my petition for protection to point this out. She is a “real” Catholic too. Representing a perpetrator. Guess I had it coming.
I pray God is not their (or your) version of Catholic. If so? I shall be punished until I die. Which it feels like. Or he does.
But wait he nor you are God.
Tappan Zee
No surprise there! The Atty’s argument was absurd. They use the most innocuous things against you in court.
Hg, seems you’ve got a few of us crying. I have had all of that done to me. The worst was when you described throwing you in the street in your night clothes! Have had it happen several time’s. Horrible feeling, thrown out in the night, 50 miles from home, door locked and slammed in my face. Crying, begging, one of the worst! Screens ripped out and my belongings thrown out the window. Being draged out by my shirt and hair and literally thrown out the door on my back! Most of thd time over wanting to talk about our relationship. I still cry when i think about it! Reading that just crushed me.
That was awful to read, Anne. I am very sorry you were treated so badly. You did not deserve that at all. Some of the posts here can bring out long repressed memories and very strong feelings. Keep reading and hopefully those painful memories will fade.
Although my Patrinarc not a Lesser, that’s exactly what he did to his second wife. He threw her in the street in her night gown. It was very cold and snowy winter (-21C)…
I met her only one time, we weren’t “friends”, but she had my phone number in her memory! Sobbing, she called me from the nearest 24/7 shop. It was 3:30 am… I called my driver and asked him to go there urgently and bring her to my home…
It wasn’t me who effectively calmed her down. It was my narc-husband who did it!
He sat before her and said “Look at me”.
When she finally did it, he continued his speech.
“That animal doesn’t deserve to be called a Man. Your life in the Zoo is finished. It is the reason to celebrate, not to cry. So why I see the tears instead of laugh and champagne?”.
After a long and silent pause she said “You are right…”.
“Champagne?”, he said and winked to her.
“Yes! Yes! Definitely!!!”.
Dear Anne, where is your champagne?
Noname: After a long and silent pause she said “You are right…”.
“Champagne?”, he said and winked to her.
“Yes! Yes! Definitely!!!”.
Dear Anne, where is your champagne?
What a beautiful story. . . thank you for sharing that. . . I really needed to hear a lovely story today before heading off to work. I was in such a sad mood.
Good reminder why I should stay away from him. If you play with fire, you will get burned.
Lessers are disgusting rutting pigs! Yuck! You are right; he was terrible in bed! And RS’s comment reminded me about the time my mother (a lesser) clonked my father (a lesser) on the head with a cast iron fry pan when he was sitting in a chair, drunk out of his mind. They are nothing but smelly, burping, farting, violent, drunken monsters. No wonder I am damaged.
Hi K……many thanks for that description…..if that doesn’t put us off then nothing surely will!!!!! I know a male lesser but thankfully not in a romantic sense…..although it is not for the want of trying on his part……he does not have a hope in my hell after reading your comment and those of RS……Diva
Diva
My pleasure and if you see a lesser…run as fast as you can, like the gingerbread man! And don’t look back! K
Great description! 😄 It’s funny, I have a brother, Don, who I am certain is one, and yesterday he called me when I was crying over this article. He said “I think Roger – another brother of mine – is a narc” and went on to describe all the things Roger does to deserve that title. It’s funny because Don is the one the rest of us all think is one! I think all five of us are fucked up, thanks to my dad. (pardon my French).
RS
Many of us here speak French, so don’t worry about that, and on HG’s YouTube radio interview, there is an adage in the back ground: What doesn’t kill you, fucks you up mentally. Welcome to the club! I talk to narcissists about narcissism and they are completely clueless that they, themselves, are one. It is totally bizarre!
“What doesn’t kill you, fucks you up mentally”. 😂
That is exactly right!!! Glad to know about narcs not being able to identify themselves. As we have been taught here, lesser’s especially don’t know what they are. That’s what my family is.
In the words of the Lesser, “I took that shit” while I was asleep. If I did not have sex with him that night before bed. They really do feel entitled to do as they please. It says it all in the article, “You’d Better”
That article sounds familiar. I’ll look it up and read it if I haven’t already! Thank you.😊
Are you saying he had sex with you when you were sleeping? OMG! I just listened to “You’d Better”. . . who knew there were so many ways to say that? I did like hearing HG say fuck though. He’s always so polite and proper on here – so not him. Still, I liked hearing him say it. 😈
Hyperventilating here. . . you have hit a nerve. . . memories I have buried? Something going on here I can’t stop!
RS
Pandora’s Box has been opened. It is very difficult and I am sorry…some of the posts have that effect on me to.
Pandora’s box . . . yes. It’s weird, my sister has told me before that my dad was a narc, but yesterday, when I called her crying, she said I was over reacting and that he was just an ill-tempered drunk. (this is someone who was repeatedly molested for 4 years and had to have an abortion at the age of 12 because of him) She told me I was 3 1/2 when she first caught him in bed with me. I must have blocked that memory out but reading what H G wrote brought something to the forefront that had a huge affect on me. It scared me. I don’t want to go back there ever again.
RS
That is horrible! An abortion at age 12 is WRONG on many levels and catching him in bed with you at the age of 3 1/2 is incomprehensible! An ill-tempered drunk!? What kind of excuse is that! Denial is strong. I am sorry for what you, and your family, went through. There will be many Pandora’s Boxes here, so be prepared. Whatever you feel comfortable with, share it with us; it is very non-judgmental here and I have found it very helpful.
PS
I wouldn’t want to go back there either.
When my sister had the abortion, at the time they called it a D&C. There is no reason in the world a 12-year-old girl would need one of those. My dad did not have sex with me, my sister said. I don’t know exactly what he was doing with me in that bed, and I don’t want to. Like Diva said ” what you don’t know can’t hurt you”.
RS
You do not have to answer this if you are uncomfortable with it, but did your mother know about your father having sex with your sister?
Yes she did. She told my sister she had five children to raise and she couldn’t do it on her own so what could she do? That is what my sister said she said. I was too young to know what was going on so I only have what she has told me to go on. I know my mother was always trying to protect me from my oldest brother – the one I think is also a narc) He has a vile temper and used to whip me when he felt I did anything wrong. I guess he thought he was the man in the family after my dad was put away.
Christ, what a nightmare! Sorry RS. Incest is very difficult to wrap my head around, as well as, child sexual abuse. Very sad. That is a massive boundary breaker.
I will never understand incest either or any other form of child abuse. They are so trusting and when these kinds of things are done to them in their formative years, it ruins them for life most of the time. There is nothing that can be done though, as these kinds of people have walked the earth since day one!
“Think happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, Robin”. . . 😔
Hang in there, RS. Sometimes I get those repressed flashbacks about my mother when I see those Little Acons. They are wicked to go thru, but I really believe they are helping me figure myself out, which I believe is necessary for true healing. Sending positive energy and solidarity ⚡️⚡️⚡️
Hi RS ……I have only just read what you wrote about your past……I hope you are ok and not on your own. I believe I have known all three types of narc albeit in different capacities and in my opinion the lesser is the worst kind and the hardest one to deal with, especially when children are involved. I believe this blog will be our therapy…..we can laugh and joke and see the funny side of things……you and I do that more than most…….but behind that laughter and humour, buried deep, are the very things you wrote about above……that is why we are here and that is another thing we all have in common. It would seem that nearly everyone on this blog including HG have their own demons in some shape or form……..and these demons may well surface during our time here……as they seem to have done in your case……it can only be a good thing…..I hope…..although I am way out of my depth to be doling out advice. I will be checking to see how you are tomorrow…….Diva
I asked HG to remove what I posted before he posted it, but he did not. I called my sister and one of my brothers and they think I have “narcissists on the brain” and that my father was just a bad tempered drunk. As hard as I try I can not remember anything before age 4. I still can’t see what happened but something is buried. My sister and brothers are 10 and 12 years older than me and obviously remember more. They lived with him and I can’t remember ever being under the same roof.
Everyone on here is so kind and concerned. Thank you all so much. Maybe I do have narcissists on the brain. It wouldn’t be the first time my siblings were right.
Your request was not received before it was posted. It was not ignored.
Thank you for letting me know. I forgive you.
Hi RS…..guess what……more in common…….my sister is 10 years older than me……..I remember only a couple of incidents and even then I wonder if I dreamed them…… and other than that, I remember diddly-squat and even way beyond the age of 4. Maybe you just don’t remember him because he wasn’t worth remembering. Being on this blog is the nearest I get to dwelling on my past……I try to live in the present……..but then again, when you can’t remember your past then you don’t have much choice. It does not bother me…….I often say ignorance is bliss and I believe that to be true………what you do not know cannot really worry you……..nor can you change the past…….but you can live in the present and change your own future…….. that is what I try to focus on………Diva
when you can’t remember your past then you don’t have much choice.
Probably why I drink! (I have one drink a day, I’m not a lush) My memory gets worse and worse and I am sure my brain cells are dying off from doing so. 😜 That was supposed to be funny but reading it back. . . it just sounds sad and pathetic. I try to live in the present, that is why reading this article upset me. Why would it do so? I hated my father and had no real feelings for him one way or the other. Things that make you go “hmmm”
Diva, are you and I around the same age? I asked you what sign you were a while back but you didn’t say. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
Hi RS…..I am 45 (but I can act 40 years younger in a heartbeat)………I am an “Empathic Triple Scorpio” that has a “Narcissistic Stinger”………I don’t think HG is posting our posts relating to star signs…….I think he is afraid of being compared to a narc version of Russell Grant…….I wonder what HGs sign is……hmmmm…………Leo is my guess!!!!……..Diva
Nothing to do with Russell Grant but all to do with avoiding it turning into Gypsy Rosa Lee’s Palm Reading and Astrology Bunkum Show.
Hey don’t hold back your thoughts HG……that’s Leos for you!!!! I realised your lack of interest for myself when you had not posted 2 of my posts…….thought I was losing it at one point………..I will not mention star signs ever again. “Bunkum” new one on me……I like to learn a new word every day….although I prefer blarney………Gypsy Rosa Lee.
Not to be mistaken for Gypsy ROSE Lee…….who I first thought of when I read your answer!!!!!!
Nothing to do with Russell Grant but all to do with avoiding it turning into Gypsy Rosa Lee’s Palm Reading and Astrology Bunkum Show.
I had to look up who Russell Grant was – the second part was too funny! You have such a sick sense of humor. . . I LIKE IT!
I forgot to say I am 60 but act like I’m still in my 20’s. Most people have a look of surprise on their face when I tell them my age and think I am much younger. I have been seen grabbing someone’s hand and skipping down the the hallways at work. . . . sometimes a “skip” just has to come out! I have also been seen skipping alone. . . 😄🙃
RS
Your spending so much time learning and thinking about narcissists will make you spot them a whole lot more. Just because you suddenly realize someone you’ve known all your life is a narc isn’t somehow your fault. There really just are tons of them out there. HG says I believe, one in six people.
Have you ever gotten a new car and suddenly you see cars like yours everywhere? That happens to me with every car I buy. I never noticed Priuses before and would have said hybrids were not popular here in my area. Then I bought a red Prius and suddenly I was noticing red Priuses everywhere! It was ridiculous! Now certainly my purchase of a Prius didn’t cause all those other cars to be on the road, and likewise I was not imagining red Priuses when I looked at other cars. It’s exactly the same with narcs. They are everywhere. Sometimes in the family we have lived with all our lives, we just didn’t notice them because we didn’t know how to recognize them.
Your siblings don’t know how to recognize narcs, so they don’t see them. That has nothing to do with whether the narcs are there are not. And if your siblings, friends, acquaintances are not interested in learning about narcissism, then they will never learn and so never see them. The easiest thing for them to do (and we humans love easy!) is to label you as having too active an imagination and dismiss what you say. And that doesn’t even get into psychology where they might not want to admit it or to look back into their own very painful childhoods.
Keep learning and applying your knowledge to yourself – present and past. This may well be the first of many shocks about narcs in your life that you will undergo. But insights and knowledge are essential for understanding and one of my favorite sayings is, “And the truth will set you free.”
❤️ and hugs
Hugs RS..
I hope you’re feeling a little better today, the articles obviously been a massive trigger for you.
NNS x
I am crying my eyes out here, HG! You have just described my father to a “T”. My poor mother. . . my poor siblings. . . poor me. He was vile, a drunk, and an abuser. One time, my mother had had enough and threw a Noxema jar at his head and knocked him out cold (he was already drunk. . . as usual). She was afraid for her life but a friend told her to just tell him he had fallen and hit his head. He believed her. After years of sexual abuse to my sister and also my brother (for being my mother’s ‘favorite’), my mother got pregnant again with me. The doctor told her if she had another child she would probably die because the twins that she delivered the last time nearly did her in. His response was “we already have 3 boys, maybe this time we will have another girl. . . “