Excuses Equals Endangered
The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.
The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further goes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.
Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, an occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support our manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have used a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.
- He is just tired; it makes him snap.
- He doesn’t mean it, not really.
- You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
- He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
- Work is particularly stressful for him.
- He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
- I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
- He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
- He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
- It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
- I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
- Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
- He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
- He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
- I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
- He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
- You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
- Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
- All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
- You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
- It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
- I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
- You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
- You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be pleased for us, for my sake?
- I’m sorry, it was my fault.
Sound familiar?
20 thoughts on “Excuses Equals Endangered”
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” One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything.
“Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad..”
” We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. ”
These statements contain ( according to me) the core of a true empath….It resonates a lot…but now I know: the narcissist should not be given the benefit of the doubt.
Yes, all of this sounds very familiar to me. I used to find all kinds of excuses why people were offensive, verbal aggressive, plain rude or took advantage of me. This kind of *programming* comes from my mother and also from a grandmother, who were narcissists. Every time I complained about someone, they took other people’s side. They told me that I had to consider [fill in the blank with excuses], that I was oversensitive or that it was my fault. I learnt not to trust my own instincts and I regularly gave people the benefit of the doubt.
Being raised by narcissists and not becoming one can make us an easy target to tolerate abuse.
That is exactly my case , the tolerance having had a narcissist mother is very high . And we are eager for unconditional love , so well imitated in the golden period . We are hangry for love all our lives
I would make some excuses for him but not really a lot. He had to do a lot of his behaviors behind my back because he would pull shit in public that he would not say to me in private because he knew I would rip him up one side and down the other for being rude.. so he became very covert saying things to friends and family that were not true about me or our relationship. SUCH… A… COWARD
Excuses come from emotional bias.
I have found it necessary to apply Tudor’s postulations with sterile logic and brutal disregard for emotional bias to get my answers. This has been most challenging.
Tudor is good at quantifying his statements with words like “often” “rarely” “generally” but he also remains steady on undisputed facts in certain cases like The Hoover Eventuality and the misnamed “final discard”. Watch for these quantifications.
As an example I have identified my narc to be a L/MMCN. I am an escaped DLS Carrier Super with daily positive fuel, residual benefits and construct maintenance (traits).
Because of what I am, I have concluded from Tudor that 1. I got no IGH because I’m not IPPS. 2. As I was a secret, my smears are greatly reduced…few knew about me 3. Supers can’t be drawn back in with maligns 4.Too much work required for a mid to overcome hoover execution criteria on an N/C IPSS and only 2/6 triggers available…benign and circumspect would be reasonably expected as I did escape (current fuel supplies being the only variable).
Because he is L/MMCN, 1. Married Façade must be upheld foremost 2. Fuel matrix is longstanding (20yr IPPS & 5year IPSS) and tight so my cessation burns enough to trigger 6th sphere 3. Wary, less aggressive, and Incredible Sulk (one hoovering email said he was so down for so long even the IPPS is asking what is wrong…so I should return to save his marriage???) 4. “Any Port In A Storm” factors hugely right now as he struggles to stabilize. He’s busy.
I’m only cherry-picking to save space. I got enough answers to the question: “Where’s My Hoover?”. I know why I get them and can relax that they probably will not be malign. Hence, I’m able to adhere to effective No Contact and conceal my misery in the interest of self-preservation.
That’s all I can reasonably expect. The rest comes from me.
No excuses.
“You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims.”
It is not so much with me that I am “blinkered” – I see that certain things are irregular ………the main problem that I have is with “aberration.” Since I do not see MYSELF as perfect, or without quirks, I deviate from the norm in some respects…….therefore who am I to judge if you, as a narc, are not perfect, or have quirks, or deviate from the norm too????……..This is my flaw (or one of them) although I am only realising it now……………..Diva
25. Every damn day. The rest are commentary. I have to wonder if it’s not inverse narcissism I am (was?) plagued with to think, feel, believe EVERYTHING was my fault. There has to be some sort of psychopathy in that.
I choose not to engage in certain conversations with people, I don’t feel the need to discuss u with anyone. So I don’t, unless I am told otherwise by you. I would rather be doing something else than listening to people’s opinion or feelings, worrys concerns about you and me. It’s complicated stressful and bla bla bla. I have to listen to you , that is my job. My job is to serve u. Not to question this or that if u say the moon is cheese I will be there with a knife and fork. I am yours you are not mine.
The way I was taught by my narcissistic psychotherapy tutor was in essence not to trust my instincts. On the premis that we all act unconsciously any negative thought I had about someone else must be a projection from me. I soaked up this rubbish because it sat with the co dependent default position of : if in doubt it’s our fault. So much easier when it’s our fault because then we can change it, except it not, it’s the narcissists fault so we can’t. Thanks HG for removing the crippling sense that it must somehow be us.
You are welcome.
Wow
Oh yes, I recognise this.
The most dangerous part of excuses for the narc is when its done to deny the truth to yourself. Even after knowing what youre dealing with many will say he or she is like that bc of their disorder. While thats true it doesnt mean it should be accepted. Staying with them and thinking its not their fault bc they have a personality disorder is another excuse bc were ultimately resposible for our own happiness and future. It makes it easier to stay and rationalize it to oneself but its still what it is and thats abuse which is toxic and harmful. My mother and brother are both narcissists and altho i dont harbor bad thoughts towards them i stand by my decision to stay no contact with my brother. I dont think they can help the way they are and ive accepted that and removed myself from their harmful abuse.
YES to the first sentence.
LIfe is so much easier when you stop making excuses for other people
Excellent point doc
Doctor, doctor!
Thompson Twins?
And also for ourselves too. I know ive made a lot of excuses why now isnt the right time to make changes.
16/25. Ouch