Where’s My Hoover
The hoover. The useful word that is utilised to describe the classic move of our kind to bring you back under our control, our spell and into our world once again. Of course we apply several different hoovers during the course of your entanglement with us, but let’s focus on the hoover which takes place following the cessation of the formal relationship between you and our kind. When I make reference to the formal relationship, I mean the concept (in your world) of you and us being together as intimate partners. Of course in our world, the relationship will last forever because of the unwritten contract you unwittingly entered into when you became entangled with us. This means we are entitled to draw fuel from you until such time as one of us draws our last breath and in that sense there is this Narcissistic Relationship and then there is the Formal Relationship, the latter being the conventional perception of when two people are involved with one another. Accordingly, once the Formal Relationship has come to an end, either through your escape or more frequently through the discard, there are then three potential hoovers which can occur.
- The Initial Grand Hoover;
- The Benign Follow-up Hoover; and
- The Malign Follow-up Hoover
You find yourself in the situation that the Formal Relationship has ended but where is the hoover? You have perhaps realised what you have been involved with and undertaken some reading and there is repeated mention of this hoover which is meant to happen but so far there has been nothing? Why is that? How come you have not been hoovered by your narcissist? Many of you would be delighted to find yourself in such a position, able to focus on yourself rather than worrying about being confronted by our kind and subjected to a hoover. The apparent failure of our kind to hoover however does cause victims to, in accordance with their nature, to then wonder why this has not happened and in turn blame themselves.
“He hasn’t hoovered me. He obviously doesn’t think I am worth wanting back.”
“I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel cheated that he hasn’t tried to hoover me.”
“I want him to hoover me. There are things I want to say to him now I know better what has happened.”
“There hasn’t been a hoover. That makes me feel invalidated.”
“He has been silent. I want him to win me back.”
Accordingly, if no hoover has been forthcoming you are still left feeling bewildered and miserable. The effects of our behaviour are far-reaching indeed. It may appear odd to the external observer that you would want to have interaction again with someone who has abused you, but there are several reasons why victims want that hoover to happen.
- You want the Formal Relationship to begin again. You are still caught up in the emotional sea of believing that things can be put right, that somehow the problems that occurred can be overcome and fixed. If we hoover you, you will willingly submit so we are together again.
- An opportunity to resist the hoover in order to let our kind know that you are not to be messed with anymore. A statement of intent, if you will.
- A chance to get things off your chest. You want to say your piece to us. It is often a case of asking “why” but you may also want to lash out at us as a consequence of the way you have been treated.
- An opportunity to let us know that you know what we are. That occasion to look us in the eye and tell us you know precisely what we are in order to gauge our reaction to this revelation and empowerment on your part.
- To tie up loose ends. There may be financial matters outstanding, there might be possessions to hand over, post and so on.
- The chance to be validated. Surely if we meant all those things we said during the golden period then we must want you again. That has to be right hasn’t it?
Subject to the school of narcissist you are dealing with, we have varying degrees of awareness about these factors which means we know that you are susceptible to our potential hoover and that it may well meet with success, leaving aside other factors such as the type of narcissist we are and the effort we will expend on the hoover.
You want the hoover to happen, but it does not appear to have taken place. Why is that?
- You may have been hoovered but not realised. The post escape/discard hoovers are not just there to bring you back to us. Sometimes we do not want that to happen but we would rather obtain fuel from you.
- The Initial Grand Hoover is always deployed to win you back and resume the Formal Relationship;
- The Benign Follow-Up Hoover (which comes after the IGH) may seek the resumption of the Formal Relationship but is also deployed purely to draw positive fuel from you and/or to fact find;
- The Malign Hoover seeks only to draw negative fuel
Accordingly, two out of the three post escape/discard hoovers may purely be about drawing fuel from you or fact-finding. Thus, if you think that a hoover is only about starting the relationship again you may have not thought that the telephone call which came from our number but we did not speak when you answered was not a hoover. It was. Fuel would have been drawn from the manner in which you answered (a nervous hello, an angry answer or a hopeful salutation) but it was also done to fact find. Would you answer? How would you answer? This is then used to formulate the nature of further hoovers. The sending of an invitation to sign up to a particular application does not cause the resumption of the Formal Relationship but it may draw Thought Fuel and is certainly a fact finding step designed to see how you will respond. Accordingly, you may well have been hoovered but not realised it.
- The hoover may not actually come from us. You may be hoovered by proxy through one of our lieutenants or a member of our coterie asking you questions about what you are up to, whether you have thought about us, how you are getting on and so forth. This information along with your reaction will be relayed to us and we gather fuel and a fact find from it.
- We may have contacted you directly and been charming but not encouraged you to come back to us or we may have been nasty. Either way, these are hoovers and are designed to draw fuel from you even though there was no attempt to start the Formal Relationship again.
- You may not actually be giving us any opportunity to hoover you. There are two instances when this arises: –
- You are contacting us so often and repeatedly in order to get answers and/or start the relationship again that we do not need to hoover you. You won’t leave us alone.
- You have placed yourself in a position whereby we are not able to contact you at all.
- It is too early. When you have been discarded we are infatuated and pre-occupied with your replacement as primary source of fuel. Therefore, we have no need to hoover you. We are focused on this person and they are meeting our fuel needs. You have been deleted from our mind and therefore there is no need for us to hoover you. This could last for a number of months before you even pop into our heads again. Many victims expect the hoover to happen within a week or so of discard. This might happen but it is more often the case that a longer time period will elapse between discard and hoover.
- You remain out of the spheres of influence. You do not do anything to come up on our radar. You either have not appeared in our sixth sphere of influence (our thoughts) yet or if you have we may have decided against instigating a hoover because it is less feasible, the energy involved is not something we wish to expend or we may have an alternative person to hoover who is a better prospect than you (for example the ex before you who lives nearer to us).
Thus there are many reasons why that hoover has not yet happened. Can you make a hoover happen? Yes, you can. If you want it to happen, you are best designing a way to enter one of our spheres of influence but understand, for the reasons outlined above, it may not happen when you want it to, but it will at some point. After all, in accordance with our total desire for control, we want the hoover to be when we decide, not you.
27 thoughts on “Where’s My Hoover”
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I’m not worried about any “hoovers” cos there aren’t any. Dyson can go & fk itself & take all the shit with it. I just need to make sure it can be ‘recyclable’ & kind to the environment. End of.
i told my narc ex not to contact me again and called him out on his narcissism and told him her was unloved as a child . would this keep away for good?
Not at all.
Hg – my midrange ex girlfriend has a greater (or at least upper midranger) mother. Will her mom try to hoover me or just my ex? As weird as it sounds in some ways I miss my ex’s mother more than my ex.
The way you have just unmasked us, as we really expect (and want!) the hoover to happen again is just brilliant. No matter we keep saying our best friends that you just don’t leave us alone, and you are the one that looks for us, deep inside we are waiting this to happen. Isn’t it like an addiction to something we know is insane?.. now i am reading almost every articule i find in your website. But now, after a 4-year relationship with my narcissist(as a secondary source or first intimate), i started to realise that I might be turning from empath to narcissist (with oter people, and him).. i guess because i have been exposed all my life to them, so it was the way i was treated, and now that i understood it, and I can predict it, I keep playing the game. Could it be the case that you remain empath with your most beloved ones, but narcissist with others?
You will not turn into a narcissist, but your narcissistic traits may well become more apparent in certain situations.
Narcissistic traits even with the narcissist? As a way to look for equality??
No, protection.
HG, I found myself becoming more co-dependent with the narcissist but not generally with others. Is that normal?
Yes it is.
Interesting? How do they do this to a non-CD?
I’m wondering if my ex showing up at the gym when he knows I’ll be there (also at a time I know he never goes) is some sort of hoover. It’s actually annoying as fuck.
No hoover for me ( yet) . He remains hidden and silent . I understand the reasons but I’m struggling to accept it.
HG. I have a question. I feel paranoid now. I see now soo many signs of non-durect hoovering or its only my wishful thinking that he might want me hoover back? I’m trying to stay out of illusions and blocked him on my both phones, on fb and disengaged from his leautenants and its hard I must admit. I know we are all damaged after Narc and I only want to know if my paranoia leading to healing or keeps me stuck? I’m soo confused. Thank you.
It would be remiss to state that there is never any misinterpretation or paranoia on the part of a victim, but it is more likely that the behaviour is deliberate and therefore you should remain vigilant. It is of course difficult to state what it is in your case without knowing of the ways in which indirect hoovers are manifesting (or appearing to manifest). You are certainly doing the correct things by blocking him on your phones and on social media.
Thank you kindly for your reply HG. Yes, the “hook”…the emotional battle is all too real, but I’m prepared for what may come. Fortunately, logic controls my emotions now and I fully accept the reality of my circumstances. Again, I can only thank you for the shift in my mindset.
Hello HG,
I am new to your website so I want to thank you for all your books, videos, etc (if only I discovered you earlier).
I don’t know if my ex-“soulmate” is a narcissist but many of his traits/actions are in alignment. I try not to focus on the label, but rather his treatment of me. However, I am curious so I come to you with a question about Hoovering.
My ex-“soulmate” broke-up (discard #2) with because I expressed my discomfort with his living situation as I had never visited his home. We were in a relationship under 8 months. I just received a text from him, after 3 months of no communication between us, that said: “I am sorry it did not work out. I still have the highest regard for you and I aways will”. I replied: “I accept your apology”. He responded: “I appreciate that” along with a man bowing deeply emoji. I did not respond after that.
1. Is that a Hoover?
2. Would a “narcissist” even send such an apology?
Again, thank you for all your perspective and amazing insight!!
Love Letters
Hello Love Letters and welcome. Yes that was a hoover and it was not an apology, but false contrition designed to keep you on the hook.
Thank you kindly for your reply HG. Yes, the “hook”…the emotional battle is all too real but I’m prepared for what may come. Fortunately now logic controls my emotions and I fully accept the reality of my circumstances. Again, I can only thank you for my shift in mindset.
When a narcissist says he deleted all contact details and I will never see him again, actually said ” I hope you find happiness but I’m afraid it won’t be with me” and in the same email they say they miss you and their life is a mess, can I believe him?
No.
When a narcissist says they have deleted all your contact details and they will never see you again can I actually believe him?
No.
Thank you for the reply HG I do feel deep down this is the end, but when I read your post about it’s never over until one takes their last breath, I’m having to keep telling myself it’s over for good even more
Ack. Got my fact-finding/Benign FUH by email again today. That’s 4 in 10 weeks of N/C. All it said was “Hi”…presumably to see if I would acknowledge him. Low energy output and the only method of contact available to him.
I considered replying “If by ‘Hi’ you’re asking if I still acknowledge you then you now have your answer,” but I resisted.
Damn you 6th sphere.
Well done for resisting.
When he applied the initial grand hoover, he did not know why he was doing it. Months later, he texted ‘u never replied to me then finally u replied😊 i felt like i have a new life.’
He also texted ‘i was doing everyday something’ – that was his description of his hoover – ‘everyday something.’