How Long Can You Resist
Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.
No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.
Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.
Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?
Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.
You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.
Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.
Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.
I can hear my ‘phone ringing.
72 thoughts on “How Long Can You Resist”
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I resisted last night….
Oh, I just keep on resisting.
I must be the biggest pain in the ass LMAO.
If I pick that apple, I might as well place it on my head and hand him a bow and arrow.
“I can hear my ‘phone ringing.”……….yeah it’s probably that PPI claims outfit…….Diva
What’s this about running amok? I’m all-in, if it’s a pack of wilding, broke-ass-empaths! Since I seem to have already been pushed from my pillar and am quite covered with dirt & smut, there will be no need to change my frock. (I heard that, K.) There’s plenty of weed for us and the wenches, alike, so let us be off!
okay, i am a bit dazed, actually…
where are we going, again?
Hey Merripen and K …….firstly I don’t require any of your “stuff”……I am crazy enough without it…….also I have this quirk that if I meet someone new that they have to teach me something…..Now Merripen can try and teach me how to write…….I am a bit worried about what K might want to teach me, but I am a willing student and pretty much game for anything after a shot of vodka. Although I am not sure that I can teach either of you anything that you don’t already know!!!!…..Just so you know I can’t come to America I don’t think they would let me in!!!!!……Diva
Hey Diva, I love your philosophy about every new person bringing growth and new insight into your life. It’s funny about the writing thing, because your words actually synch with me and often feel like my own. They certainly evoke in me the very feelings of the experience you are expressing! Whatever else we have to give each other, I am already enjoying this tandem ride of writing. You have MUCH to teach me, dear one. As for the way we medicate, I believe it’s ALL good in moderation. I would gleefully join you and the girls in an icy vodka shot and the flowy place that follows! Luckily, we Mainers can enjoy at our legal leisure the benefits of medical marijuana. I prefer indica-heavy strains, as they induce a deep, relaxing body high. A teeny percentage of sativa strain in there also adds the euphoria of a mind transportation. These wanders into Alice’s enchanted woods have proven to be beneficial to me and don’t tax my body like my previous heavy-drinking did (i found moderation more difficult with drink 🙁 ). I only do oral dosing – no smoking, no vaping (love my pink lungs).
Haha!! We would take you with open arms! America has loose borders for our British cousins. Canada is actually the stickler. Anyone who has a history of drunk driving can’t even cross the border! I’m as much Canadian as American, because my family hails from the Scot/Irish/English fishing communities of the southeastern provinces.
K is a kindred spirit to us both, isn’t she? A charming amalgam of survival-scarred tender empath and rogue medicated lass! It is good. I like this covenant.
Hey Merripen……Yes it is an interesting philosophy in more ways than one……I am still waiting for someone to teach me how to play poker…..I have no doubt that I could manage it myself but that is not the point……I am waiting for the PERSON that can teach me how to play poker!!!!!
You taught me many things within your last post to me……many of which I do not fully understand but I will read up on it later and then I will be more informed!!!!!
Yes K is indeed a kindred spirit to us……RS was too…..but she seems to have disappeared…..she would have been leading us all astray for sure…..I hope she comes back…….
I have to state that when you first appeared on this blog I had no idea how much craic you would be…….there is so much more to you than the inspiring writing. (as if that wasn’t enough!!!!)……I am so pleased that you escaped and found your way……..here.
It’s lucky for us that you met him………otherwise we would have likely never met you……..Diva
I feel like the lucky one, Diva. Plus, I learned a new WORD! Craic – that’s a wicked pissah! (I had to google it – hah!) Here it’d be “Oh yeah, she’s wicked funny and smaht as fuck!”
Diva
I have a vast collection of voodoo dolls and a giant box of pins; we can start with that. And, we are well aware that heaven doesn’t want you and Hell’s afraid you’ll take over, however, you are always welcome to hang with Merripen and me. Never underestimate yourself; you may have a few tricks up your sleeve. K
Hey K……you are getting more interesting by each post you write!!!!! Voodoo dolls…..now that was the only kind of doll that I ever wanted!!!
I always underestimate myself……..that way I limit peoples disappointment in me…… or is it to lull people into a false sense of security……..hmmmm….I will have to think about that one.
I definitely don’t want to go to heaven ……..I won’t know anyone there!!!
Diva
Merripen
Yes, we are kindred spirits! I read that you shared the same snowy land as Stephen King, so I knew you were from Maine. I live in Massachusetts and weed is legal here, too. With our medicinal history and Diva’s (aka Jinxy) questionable past regarding fires, we make a formidable triumvirate. It can only lead to trouble…I liked rogue medicated lass; I felt positively swashbuckling after I read that! Avast, Narc! Or ye shall dance the hempen jig! September 19 was international Talk Like a Pirate Day!
Hey K…..I was once coming back from Cuba when the plane started smoking inside the cabin……….I thought I was never going to live to smoke my Cuban cigars……..what a disaster that trip was……The travel company went bust while I was there and the Hotel Manager said they would call the police if I didn’t pay them, as the travel company hadn’t. Although the greasy Hotel Manager insinuated that there were other ways to pay off the debt……and I don’t think he meant working in the kitchen washing up……but I never asked for any clarification!!!! There were no holiday reps as they hadn’t been paid either. I had to escape like a fugitive the day before and make a run for it to the airport……Diva (aka Jinxy)
Merripen
Here, I have an extra 🗡 for you. We can take some 🐴s & go to a medieval 🏰 & eat 🍕, drink 🍺, and be 😁! Maybe we will meet some handsome 🤠s.
K, your plan is rather swashbuckling! Swords and horses, storm the castle, make merry and the (cowboys?) will arrive.
(Damn this pond between us and my five hour time lag behind you all.)
Merripen
I could not find a knight in shining armour emoji so I improvised. Also there was no “weed” emoji. They need to step-up their game. The time difference make me look like a night owl sometimes.
I don’t even know my way around here enough yet to know where the emojis are…
If you spare me the emojis, Merripen, HG will approve.
Consider them spared, then, HG.
Hg approves.
I am enjoying this emoji use v much.
Hg, how abt an article using mostly emojis? Oh wait, u don’t use emojis. I just remembered i asked u to do so once, and u replied no. I notice u use exclamation marks though! Bravo hg!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Extensive use of emojis will see posts deleted.
Oops i just saw this comment that “Extensive use of emojis will see posts deleted” else i may not have made my other comment using all those emojis. Regardless, K and merripen find it cheeky, which made me smile!
Still, sorry hg.
Kind of u to post it though.
I figure, if i had done it again, you would have deleted it.
Heres an emoji just for you HG ..👤 😄
Grrr!
EVIL 😈👹👺👻💀☠️🎃🎭🖤
(But helpful😇😊👌🏻🌹💻📱🌺🦋✍🏻)
Jenna
Oh, the cheek on you! I love it.
cheeky toaster
HG
I will spare you the emoji rebuses in the future. Just feeling a bit puckish as of late.
Merripen
I had to use my phone for emojis, based on HG’s lack of enthusiasm, I doubt there are any emojis here on the site.
Hey, K, I’m grinning just knowing you’re a New Englander! I posted the pissah comment before I’d read that, but it’s even better, now! We actually don’t talk like that in the northern part of the state. Canada surrounds us, so the influence of their proper speaking combs most all of that from our speech. Except wicked and ayuh. Those are stronger than even the straight-lacing of the Canookians.
Merripen
Yes, I am a New Englander and noticed your pissah comment right away. Wicked pissah is part of my vernacular, also, I do not pronounce the letter R and sometimes I even say, “ayuh.” Go figure!
New England is beautiful and the seasons are phenomenal; Fall is my favorite. There is a company located in Biddeford, ME. called Quince & Co. and they sell beautiful yarn; I love to knit with it. Do you live near the coast?
I wish I lived near the coast! I used to go to Bar Harbor to visit the narc and we enjoyed rambling the rocky coast and exploring Acadia. Some of the most beautiful country in this state is on that island (which is probably why the Rockefellers, Morgans and Vanderbilts have homes there). I’m up in “The County”. It is field & forest, hill & valley, lake & stream. No cultural stimulation from without, but a safe and peaceful place. The moose outnumber us by 3:1. It makes me giggle to hear you voicing the Boston accent, because I wasn’t sure if you were maybe British! (I have happy memories of a Southie I dated at university. Red hair and blue eyes.)
And YES! OMG, I have two skeins of Quince & Co’s Ibis bulky weight, which is sitting and waiting for me to begin my first scarf. That is so cool!! I do a lot of sewing (quilts, shoulder bags, pillows, etc), which is my side gig for earning extra money. Right now I’m pushing to get ready for two shows I’ve (stupidly?) committed to later this fall. After I get home from work, I pick away at sewing until bedtime. Well, I did. Until I found this website…
Diva (aka Jinxy)
A fugitive, nice! You are definitely Musketeer material. The Hotel Manager wanted a little nooky to settle the bill, huh? He must have been a narc. I was wondering about RS and another blogger, MLA – Clarece. Sometimes people cycle in and out. Hopefully we will hear from them soon. It is very nice to “meet” the bloggers here, even though we all had to suffer mad crazy NPD abuse for it to happen. Did you ever get to enjoy your Cuban cigars BTW? K
Hi K……”Did you ever get to enjoy your Cuban cigars BTW?”…….I saved them for very special occasions…..for example 1999 when Manchester United, (Football Team) won The Treble, (3 major cups in the same season)…..which had been known up to that point, as “The Impossible Dream”……my life has been an impossible nightmare ever since!!!!…..Diva
This one makes me randy too…that magical, marvelous kiss and brilliant sex…chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me… tonight might be a good night to start reading Sex and The Narcissist again.
Yeah, me too, K! Hmmm… maybe HG could write ANOTHER sort of book to help us in our recovery…
Hey Merripen……Watch out that K does not lead you astray……or could it be the other way around?????……..Diva
Naughty toasters, afoot! What’s to be done?!
Diva
Moi! lead anyone astray…of course I would. You, Merripen and I could be like the three Musketeers and run wild, drink, gamble and go wenching! Pssst…don’t tell anyone, but Merripen likes to get high (as do I, on occasion), so we can corrupt each other. K
Lead on, K! Wait, I left my damn sword in the other room…
I forgot to mention in my previous question, in my time of sorrow I said in the email ” I will always take you back” I feel like I shouldn’t have said this now!
Don’t feel too bad, livingwithanarcissist2017, I told my ex I would always love him but you sure do second guess yourself.
livingwithanarcissist2017
No worries. He’ll come to understand that you, too, can renege on your promises.
I want a truthful answer, I need it, I need to be prepared if anything…..he’s moved again, upped and left, same place 160 miles away from me, like every other time. But he’s always come back. I opened my heart up to him earlier in email, and he replied with ” we’re finished” he’s really messed me up. Can I believe I won’t hear from him ever again, or should I be prepared?
Be a scout and be prepared.
Thank you. I’ve been reading so much on narcs, would be good if you could write some more on maybe the weaknesses of a narc and their fears, so maybe we can beat them to it before they cause the mass of destruction
Weakness? What’s that? There is the article ‘The Five Fears of the Narcissist’ – I have made a note to write more on this also.
Oooh I will go and read that, yes weakness, your own insecurities and the desperate need for approval from outside sources?
Also, in one of your posts you wrote about the sex, the good sex, and I know that is what’s taking me back to him each and every single time! And trying to break that is harder than the emotional abuse of it. I was that tempted earlier to suggest FWB with him just for the fix, never wanted to be a FWB before, but this time I thought why not. My temptation didn’t win though!
Hi living with a narc…thats so hurtful and wrong. My heart aches for your situation 🙁 If he has discarded you like this dont go after him. He doesnt deserve you. Let him go and the pain he will only bring you.
I’m trying but at the moment everything is still raw, I emailed him the other day and he replied, so now because I did that I’m kinda left dangling! I keep trying to move on but for some reason I still have this huge amount of loyalty for him! I’m proper messed up by him at the moment. Constant battle. But I’m trying.
Living…theres absolutely no judgement here trust me ive tried no contact several times and i know its terribly difficult💓
Hi HG,
I broke NC last week :(. We work together and I had completely ignored him for 6 days after telling him I needed a break/distance….and then told him we should at least say hi to each other to avoid questions/others noticing it.
He ofc said “I’m respecting your decision to get some distance”, “I won’t hate you or be mad at you if you want to continue taking some time”, “take all the time you need” and “i think distance will be good right now”. He is currently in a golden period with the new IPSS (I’m his old IPSS (shelf) and I guess now disengaged).
How do you interpret his comments above? I have since then reinstated complete NC, screw any Qs people may ask.
Well done on starting NC again. Remember it often takes many attempts.
His comments were all about facade management and laying the ground to hoover you in the future.
I liked the love me, hate me, chastise me, fuck me….ah ah :)))
It is mouth watering but only in my mind. You wouldn’t be able to deliver, that’s why I won’t call.
Don’t like to be let down.
The real question is how long before YOU will call again to talk about how I am, if I am happy, to tell me You didn’t forget a thing, that you are the only one that truly knows me?
I wish it was true but it isn’t. You don’t know me, you never did.
Ugghhh…these are definitely the thoughts that have run thru my mind after ive disengaged from my narc. We do it to ourselves. The awful things theyve done fade into the background while we romanticize the things we loved. Then comes the second guessing of ones self…maybe he wasnt all that bad, maybe i played a part in it, he was special and i wont find another like him. The lonliness, emptiness, lost feeling. It really is like described being in a howling empty wilderness. You lose who you are and when the anger wears off your left with nothingness and where do i go from here amongst the deep pain in your heart. You start to think is it worth disconnecting from them maybe the abuse isnt near as bad as being without them. Maybe theres a way to avoid this pain and avoid or numb the abuse pain and remain unaffected while still holding on to them. The idea of weaning away from them enters the mind and other options anything but remaining in this painful state or confusion and deep heartache. Times moving forward and with every second that ticks theres a worry of it becoming permanent. What if i dont respond in a timely fashion and the narc casts me aside for someone else, what if he blocks me or changes his number, what if i do get in touch and he doesnt reply thatll be the worst thing ever. Each second passes and you wrack your brain wondering either if he will hoover or if he has whether to reply or not. If hes sent a hoover you feel a wash of relief and a surge of newfound hope. He must care if he apologized and told me how much he misses me. He cant be that bad. He still wants me back despite confronting him on x y and z.
You start to miss them and wonder what theyre doing. You see there was something major in the news and want to reach out and talk to them. You bought some cool items online you want to share with the narc and get their opinion. The pangs of missing them are so intense you could cry. You feel your breath choked out of you as you think of a life without any of what you shared together. Life is dead without them and colorless. The anger has been completely replaced by grief and panic. You know what you must do and want to do and that is to contact the narc. Anythings better than this hell. The abuse was a picnic next to this 🙁 ahhhh reliefff we can start again…
narc affair,
Oh my god, your post took me right back to that place! Wow, those are powerful words. I didn’t realize how much better I’ve been feeling the last week or so, until that flash of anxiety and longing flooded it. It passed quickly and I’m fine, now, but what a very long convalescence this is going to be. They are woven into every memory, season, sound and taste, aren’t they? I remember the first three months were agonizing. I had to desensitize to every. single. thing. in my environment, because he was tattooed on my very existence. It has been like untangling a ball of nerve synapses to get him out of my senses. Yeah, the abuse was easier than this. But at least this is real. And it’s getting better.
Hi merripen…you definitely know what its like and its reassuring to hear you worked thru those moments of anxiety and panic bc ive not completed that part yet. The longest i have gone is one full week of no contact. It was a learning journey and im glad it happened. Ive read it can take up to 7 to 10 or more no contacts til full disconnect from the narc. Each no contact teaches us something. That one week i learned a few things:
That there will be moments of deep distress and panic but they do subside briefly.
It feels like a death the grief and it is a death. Death of someone you had deep feelings for. Death of a part of yourself and time in your life. Death of the old you.
You check less and less to see if they will contact you as time goes on. This is expediated if youve blocked them bc they cant contact you. I never fully blocked him.
You start to have tiny moments of freedom that you enjoy. Its an odd sensation mixed in with excrutiating pain but its glimmers of hope that ease the suffering. I no longer had a schedule and could finally look after ME! I could get proper sleep and didnt need to please him. It felt liberating.
The mediocre thats depressing starts to feel safe and more comfortable as time goes on and you detox from the narc surges of unpredictability. Mediocre isnt so bad afterall.
Then the hoover….and bait…and its back for another round. Or is it…its up to one person and thats us. I took the bait and relinguished all i gained that week.
narc affair,
I’m proud of you for enduring that week, because you have proven that you can do it! I absolutely know what you mean about the panic. It comes over you in waves. I remember grasping in my mind the image of a small waterbird, afloat in the sea foam. I had to trust that I was buoyant enough to make it back to the surface for a brief respite before the next wave hit. The death throes of that doomed relationship, the addiction to the dizzying highs and agonizing lows, left me forgetting what normalcy felt like. It has been the worst suffering I have experienced in my life and as an empath, you know that we are no strangers to pain. I was not here to share with you the agony of my existence after he disengaged with me on February 27th. I wish I’d had this community then, because you would have helped me up from my knees, shored me up and shown me the way. I almost died. I keep myself very much to myself. The few friends I do let in were no help at all, because they had no idea what malady afflicted me. The anxiety caused a heart arrhythmia, which has since resolved, thank god. I’ve lost 6kg, because food was one of the things we were passionate about and that particular joy has not yet come back. I will remain on the prescription anxiety meds until I sense a much firmer place under my feet. I know what you mean about the mediocre of normalcy. It is difficult to re-acclimate to what normalcy feels like. It used to be soooo boring and depressing, but that has gotten better. I also continue to have the compulsion to share every little fiddle-farting thing with him, as I’d done for so long. I have many memories of us enjoying the outdoors, so the changing seasons make me think about the places we might be going and the things we would be doing. But it is getting better. I suffer less than I did six months ago. I’m tired and weary, but my tenacity (my light) goes deeper, somehow. Even in the bleakest moments, I persist with the belief that this will pass, because empaths simply are not beings who live in darkness. Finding this community has given me the two pieces that were missing in my recovery. Knowledge and commiseration. I’ve said before that knowing there are others who are suffering as I am makes me feel better (and guilty, too). We will get through this terrible suffering together. HG will be here to guide us and we’ll come out the other side of this dark place, appreciating the light as never before. Hold tight, narc affair, it’s going to be alright.
Merripen,
You said it all when you said “Yeah, the abuse was easier than this. But at least this is real. And it’s getting better.” This is what I hold onto. I would rather have something real than this craziness. And knowing him enough to know… that he is noticing that I’m not contacting him AT ALL like I did in the past. This will be my revenge and the proof that I am the stronger one. Knowledge is power and healing is strength. I’ve got both going on.
Lori,
Oh, it is so good to know you are holding firm! It makes me more determined just seeing you are figuring it out, too. It feels so unnatural to sit on our hands when we’ve been trained for so long to be all-in, hyper-present. It is a practice in restraint to maintain No Contact, but we have to trust HG when he says it is the most painful blow we can deliver. Once we work thru the worst of our agony, we’ll really begin to see the power it lets us keep for ourselves and our own healing and creativity. HG is here to keep giving us the knowledge that has made the difference in our recovery and enlightenment. Let’s keep going! *fistbump*
Hi merripen…ty so much for your reply! You have a way with words that i can really relate to! When u read this this morning i teared up. Im so sorry for all youve been thru and that you went thru it alone. That mustve been awfully scary. Im glad youre ok and hope your heart issues are completely resolved. Definitely keep on the meds if theyre helping. Im not a fan of meds but in a lot of cases not taking a med can be worse than taking it. I know your post wasnt meant to focus on that but i just wanted to point out that you too should be extremely proud of what youve achieved and that being your freedom and a newfound strength! 🤗👍👍
It does come in waves and thats a perfect analogy with the bouyancy and staying afloat thru those panicky heartwrenching moments which are frequent in the beginning. The everpresence hit you time and time again and theres no escaping it but to work thru it until it fades. No amount of miles away can you escape that bc the problems are in our minds.
Youll have a beautiful future ahead with new desires and interests seperate from that of your ex. You are very strong!
Thank you for your encouragement and concern, narc affair. I suspect you are stronger than I am, actually. You’re just too close to your own battlefield to have a vantage point to appreciate your own daily heroism. If you can go a week, you can go a lot longer. The awful feelings can only get to a peak. They will get no worse and it hasn’t killed us, yet. And you’re right, we need to win this battle in our own minds, because that’s really the only place we have any control, isn’t it? Self control. We can’t control anything else. Not really. HG has mad skills and the fuel-driven necessity to try and exert control, but this life of control isn’t for us empaths. We just need to ride these waves of anxiety, loss and pain right into the ground and be done with it, climb off and walk away.
There are happy days ahead for you, too dearheart. Let’s take tomorrow with a looser handhold and see how that feels.
Last night my brain kept playing tricks and began to even wonder if he really is a Narc….when I know that he is. How can I hate him and miss him so much at the same time?
Fiona
Sometimes I can’t believe my ex really is a narcissist too, but he most certainly is one, and they have us enthralled with their narc-voodoo-magic-love spells. Give it time; I don’t miss my ex that much anymore, however, I still hate him.
It’s an imaginary ring tone.
It’s not me.
I see his silhouette at my french doors when he’s not actually there.
It’s the process of exorcism
I remember what it was like quitting drinking. The DTs, the shakes, the hurt.
Picking up one drink starts my hell all over again.
As would picking up the phone to call him.
Yep. Your phone is ringing. And chiming from a text. And you’ll be seeing me next month too, Narcy pants. Apple in my hand waiting for that bite.
By the way Jenna….if you are reading and commenting you were right. “Mr Piano Man, We are never having sex again ever” has started to get amorous with his sexting me of how he looks forward to my visit of all the things he wants to do! LOL. You were right. This was after a 2 week silent treatment for no reason whatsoever. I was very tempted to remind him of his “No sex with you ever again” vow but I lost my nerve…..
I need to come up with something totally sarcastic and wiseass to remind him and see what he says.
Will he use the tired old “My willpower will be weak” nonsense? Or some other new excuse?
Next month will be interesting. LOL.
Gabs, reject the sex. After the 2 wk silent treatment, he gets no sex. Wear a tight but non-revealing dress that will leave him imagining, sexy hair style (tease it all over for a messy beachy waves look, or go to a salon they’ll do it for u), jewellery, red lipstick, heels. Then say ‘no thanks u were right we should not have sex.’ That’ll drive him crazy. U can resist! He deserves no sex frm u. All the best and be careful. Also, like windstorm said, b prepared that piano dud might not even show up. If that happens, take a bunch of selfies (non provocative, but hand on one hip and one knee bent, lovely smile) showing how great u look and send him one a few wks later. Say ‘i’m going out w some friends tonite. I hope i look ok.’
Jenna,
I plan to reject the sex if it happens. We are meeting for dinner so we will be out in public. I am prepared to deal with any propositions. Conversations and analyzing his behavior are my ultimate goal. Watching his eyes for that mirroring bullshit too. I am looking forward to him flirting with the waitstaff because I have a few things up my sleeve to counter that should it happen again like last time. (last time had no idea why he acted like that). But yeah….no sex as much has I do want to….no freaking way. Not after seeing his current back and forth. I love your suggestions by the way, they are hilarious. I have no idea what I am wearing yet but thought will definitely go into it. Of course there is the chance he will not show. In the beginning when we made plans he was going on and on about reasons why he might not show. Then I got a 2 week bout of silence. After he talked to me again he was opposite side of “Oh I cannot wait to see you, it will be so great to catch up!” And then came the random sexts of what he wanted to do. I then went silent on him (this was 2 days ago)….I wanted to reply with “I thought we were done having sex” but I did not quite know how to reply to that. He has been silent. I was planning to call him soon and pretend like he never mentioned it. And if it did come up I would then say something. When he is on the phone with me we chat like regular old friends. I’d never in a million years suspect he’s a narc and I forget. So polite and friendly, talks about anything. It’s the text messages that are filled with raunchy sexual stuff. So weird.
Hi gabbs…the no sex ever agajn tactic is to get you to want it even more and try harder to please him. Intermittent reinforcement. When you do try harder he will throw you a couple crumbs only to starve you again.
I agree with narcangels post on another blog ….be careful. He doesnt deserve you meeting up with him. Youre putting yourself in harms way. These narcs hold strings to our hearts and ive kid myself in the past that hed have no or little affect on me but was very wrong. Reconsider meeting with him.
I fell off the wagon this week and reached out to him to ask him a question. He replied with a non apology, another “I apologize you feel that way.” I then expanded upon why I feel the way I do, but not surprisingly, he has read it without responding. Part of me feels stupid for having reached out, but part of me is glad I did because that curt exchange has solidified for me that I no longer wish to have him be a part of my life. I don’t care that he won’t respond to the second part of the message; it just proves again how much of an uncaring asshole he is and how his whole persona is a façade. Let everyone else be fooled, I’m finally at peace being done with it all. Thank you, HG, for being a light in the darkness for me.
I can relate..mine always says “I’m sorry you feel that way” when I tell him that he doesn’t give a flying fuck about me after we split or he does something horrific.
Oh, I can resist. It’s a personal talent when I’m making a point lol.