Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?
“He is always in my mind.”
“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him.”
I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?
Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.
Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.
You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.
These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.
These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?
32 thoughts on “Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?”
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Hi,
After 1.5 years in a toxic relationship, I said enough is enough! The Day I left, he called loads of times that I was pushed to call his mum to tell him to stop…. I was extremely angry and decided “that’s it!” ( normally I am very quiet and patient person). On that day I left to stay with my mom about 200 miles away…he tried to get back together for a while, but the abusive attitude was still in the air, as he was switching moods depending on how I was reacting…name calling, all gifts taken back as I wasn’t deserve them ( I can’t recall how many times he took them back) and all ugly stuff. At some point everything stopped…I was relieved and I wasn’t missing him…
I was still in contact with his mum, because we always had a good relationship, single mom( alcoholic and cheater husband) of 2, both siblings ( he has a sister) having same narc behaviour and we were talking on the phone almost daily. I was trying to be supportive …till one day that she told me something that triggered me and suddenly I was missing him like hell…easy to guess that I made contact. I could see on his face that he was glad seeing me, but on same time playing hard. I said that’s ok, I would do same if I was in his shoes. We went back together for 2 weeks…moved in with him on his “suggestion”, brought clothes, made shoppings for new house…all nice things that everyone dreams of…second week was hell. He was acting like I was invisible, not asking how my day went ( well that was already familiar to me as he never asked) and started remembering the “old days” when I felt extremely lonely, unloved, small, incapable of taking a decision without asking him, because I wasn’t doing anything right, literally anything…not even mopping the floors. So, on my second week I left …again …and now, I am the one crying, hoping for a sign from him…last night I sent him a text, sort of trying to make him think why I left as I feel so guilty about it – message not read! How crazy can I be? At the “brain level”, I know all he did and I won’t be able to forgive him ever, but emotionally I am a wreck…I am not smiling anymore, angry most of the time ( and I see him when I act like this, but trying to control as much as I can), I hardly speak to anyone, not in the mood for anything…I lost lots of weight, feeling that I got older by 10 years …now, I am thinking to block him and I was “ready” to do it last night, midnight …sure did happen NOT. We never did this one to each other and I find it disrespectful. I don’t find the strength doing it, all bad memories gone…no resentments, amnesia installed too soon for me…I am sure I won’t hear from him anymore and makes me sad …
If you have any insights on similar situation, pls share as I need to work on myself and each story has something new.
HG, I was trying to buy kindle edition of your No contact, maybe it helps me, but apparently it’s not available. I am based in Romania, but I was trying to buy it from U.K. Amazon. Could you please help on that? Or what would you recommend to read first?
It was supposed to be a short message to HG regarding the book, but it became more…🤭. Sorry about that…I hope I didn’t bother too much.
Thanks everyone…waiting for your stories. Stay strong and don’t follow my example. Stay NC, no matter what!
I am remarkably unwell, I have endured the tactics of the Narcissist in my life for well, 7 years, it feels like its been an eternity. Number one why does it feel like its been happening forever? I can so closely relate to this blog that it disturbs me. I find myself lost, confused, depressed, suicidal at times. I don’t recall ever even considering suicide, I always considered it the cowards way out. That was before i met a narcissist. A full blown covert narcissist that uses sex and porn and drugs. Its a trifecta for sure. I did my version of “no contact” for nearly 2 years. The version i speak of is really a fail as far as no contact goes. I wanted closure. I wanted to know if i still could win him back…Does that make sense? My sense of self was so damaged. The narcissist in my life, he broke bones in my body, shattered my nose, my elbow slammed me against the tile floor over and over. I am now living with recently diagnosed Multiple Sclerosis, I believe to be directly related to the stress I endured for the last 7 years. I was fired from my job of 10 years, the source of my livelihood. He decided to contact my employer for whatever reason, and did some discrediting stories that I can only imagine what he made up and told them.Unfortunately there was a person who was an immediate superior that disliked me, perhaps he was suffering from a personality disorder also. He was quite the a******. Insulting me in front of my employees, etc etc. He definitely only treated women managers like this. long story short on that one, one of the friends of my ex N, had shared a jail cell with him and it so happened we crossed paths and he ended up telling me that the narcissist had confided in him that he had done the deed of ruining my job. At the time the narcissist had fled the state due to a warrant being out for him. He went back to an ex that had interestingly enough fled him saying she thought he was a demon. etc. he told me this, of course today she still wants him to come and live with her. typical textbook behavior. I actually ended up sleeping with the person who confided in me. My narcissist, who I loved and still love very much, or is it love or just trauma bonding and a need for closure. I am not sure. well he ended up coming back and when he did i confronted him on the details of what i had been told. He of course flat out denied it.Then he began to ask me why i was even talking to the person whom told me. This particular person is quite the womanizer and quite attractive and a total blow for the narcissistic he was more mad than i have ever seen him. i felt a little powerful to see him that upset. It felt like, how does it feel to have that kind of emotion. But i am certain its far different than what I feel. So anyways that was back in 2014 that this all happened. When he shattered my nose as i was attempting to get him to just go for a walk and leave my home because he was non stop trying to taunt me into a fight with him. I had my bible in my hand all day and read it and when I would begin to read it out-loud it would irritate him enough to walk out of the room. He would return and start right into baiting me. i at one point had enough and told him to take a walk or it was going to escalate. I was always catching him in lies. the lies would never be addressed and then of course he would disappear for several days and then return as if nothing had happened. This was regular behavior. And it was so damaging to me. I couldn’t understand still do not understand. So I was pushing for him to leave the house. I paid rent he never contributed a single dime. By this time I had already lost my job and was so stressed out. My fingers had hold of the deadbolt latch and i was so close and suddenly i look up and the door is being pushed aggressively back open and slam as i look into his eyes his fist makes contact with my face. He had in his hand a roughly 15 pound flashlight that had jagged edges where the batteries would be inserted. the blood flew everywhere. he was vaguely apologetic. I do recall at one point pinning him in the kitchen screaming at him why he would do such a thing and I swear on everything his face changed, it was almost like it was something else inside. He was laughing at me the blood gushing out of my face.my kids called the police and he escaped. I attempted to keep him pinned but he was elusive. he did 2 months of jail-time for this. He told the women that he was attempting to make whatever for him that i ran into his fist and it was a complete accident. These women actually believed him, and as part of my attempt to restore my name after his smear campaign it became evident that he was long at work on damaging my character. The women were awful, they actually blamed me for all of it. How i was ungrateful and should be happy with a man like this. I was absolutely floored and then even more determined to prove that this was all a charade. It didn’t work, i looked even more crazy. I ended up being charged with harassment charges when one of his flying monkeys, who was holding the property he stole from my home, my car key, the only one i had that cost me 600 dollars to replace, and the fuses to my truck, he removed since i wouldn’t allow him to take possession of it. Disabling my ability completely to have transportation. Now my problem was this, i made it my mission in life to discover what the hell was going on. And I can be relentless and i am just as much determined as he is narcissist, but the problem with this is the level of energy it cost me along with surviving the daily battle of wills with the narcissist took its toll on me. Severely. so here i am today. after initiating contact with the narcissist again, i am in the discard phase again, i wont go into the details because it is so basically text book anyone could write it.
Stay here and I bet you HG will Use his magic powers and you feel less like thinking about the narc .
He/She will will fade a lot , you will have weak moments ,we all do ,but the overall benefit of being here and consulting with HG will save you years of heartache.
Really , every time I think of narc now ,which is much less and with much less potency I imagine HG saying DON’T EVEN THINK about going down that path .
No one will understand your pain no matter how well meaning unless they have been with/discarded by a narc.
The ONLY option is to embrace HGs work , BELIEVE HIM ,not your emotional thinking and you will get past this and stay protected.
What you said about the difference between the female mind and the male is right on the mark in my case. For me the good memories are fuzzy, I can remember the types of things I enjoyed talking about with her but few of the specifics unless I put in an effort to recall them. But the memories of the horrible things she did, all the lies, the attempts at manipulation, the false accusations, and of course all the other men( now that I know about them). So my question to you is since those are the things I remember so easily and not the pleasant things, why would I have such a hard time letting go of it all?
Your emotional thinking does not want you to do so. Consult with me and I shall explain it in greater detail.
If any of the narcissists pop into my head……I immediately purposely recall a bad experience with them……it’s not a difficult task……the brain needs to be rewired and reminded of the actual truth as opposed to the perceived truth, as it sometimes recalls that memory first……..Diva.
Made me play Pet Shop Boys.
I should imagine you segued into “What Have I Done To Deserve This?’
Now that song will be stuck in my head all day…
‘You went away , it should make me feel better
but I don’t know how I’m gonna get through ..’
Most apt.
Never listen to that one until now…..
I was doing this to myself for many months post – disengagement… laying down in my bed,in the dark, with my eyes closed… recalling all good memories with silent tears.
It sounds like a torture but it made me temporarily feel good and safe again, it helped to ease the pain and sometimes this was the only way I could fall asleep.
I hold onto those memories for so long, I didn’t wanted to let go.
They started fading away as time goes by.
Aaaah Mr. Tudor, you truly are my primary source to the NPD Jedi Mind Trick.
It’s sad, HG.
Wonderful post, HG. I just finished with my third narcissist. Yup, that’s right; I’ve been targeted and drained three times by those of your ilk (though certainly not of your calibre) — the first for 18 years, the second for 12 years, and the third for six MONTHS (mere months, thanks to you). Unfortunately, the last one has also been the most difficult to scrub from my brain.
However, after reading your book on Revenge, and consulting with my therapist and attorney, I’ve found a constructive (for me) way to deal with #3 on my brain. It turns out that he’s enough of a public figure to warrant an unauthorized biography with no legal ramifications. An entire book just about Him! Not the story that he’s presented to the world his entire life, but the truth to irrevocably shatter his construct.
I’m almost finished with the first three chapters for my publisher, which he of course knows nothing about. In fact, I haven’t even gone completely NO CONTACT on him to keep him from putting up his guard. The act of writing this book has been undeniably therapeutic, and with him being such a creature of this entertainment capital we call home, I’m certain it will be a BIG hit on several levels.
With us both owing it all to you, HG, would you be interested in seeing my letter to the man who was duly warned that I wouldn’t let another narcissist get away with feeding off of my INFJ soul?
I am INFJ. What is your E-gram? I am a so/sp4w5. A glorious, miserable, suffering 4. 😛
Apparently I have the exact same personality type/stacking to that of William Faulkner, a writer I cannot stand save for some lovely moments in The Sound and the Fury. I am close to Dostoevsky as well, albeit he is supposedly 4w5sp/so.
How they know this when neither has taken the test, I will never know. Personality typing is fun.
I think HG is a 3w4 so/sp. I reevaluated my assessment after reading FURY.
Bibi
Your first three lines caught my interest because I have no idea what they mean. I know the INJF, but what does all the other mean and how did you find out that they applied to you?
I tried taking an online Briggs-Myers test, but the only definitive thing it could tell me was that I am an “I” – no surprise there!
Bibi
Took a more in-depth test and came out ISTJ. Supposed to be are capable, logical, reasonable, and effective individuals with a deeply driven desire to promote security and peaceful living. Pretty much sounds like me.
Anyone else an ISTJ?
It’s actually amazing.
I did not realize that even our physiology leans against the female empath. *sigh* In a relationship that was already heightened with physical and emotional stimulation, my experience with the narcissist was made even more otherworldly by my synesthesia. I have several forms of this neurological condition, but the one that came (out) to play the most with him was chromesthesia, or sound-to-colour. I experience colours with many of the sounds that I hear. While synesthetes are accustomed to this visual cacophony, there are some voices with shades of colour or patterns that are especially enjoyable and make us take pause. His voice was deep and smooth and he had a Kentucky drawl that swirled around me like deep blue waves. When our breathing aligned, these were joined with a much lighter shade of celadon green, our heartbeats trailing out into this swirling universe like apple-green comets. Union with him was, in every sense, like a fireworks show. It is a difficult thing to forget.
I have to say that , thank God , you and victims support group and all the horrible things he made me and told me , I have very good memory for bad things . I remember golden period as something unreal . He devastated me , but now I know who he is.I am an empat but I hate him and I don’ t want him in my life never again . I saw EVIL in his eyes , words , attitudes , everything around him is dark , cold , horrible
How do I make them stop ? I slipped the other night. I succumbed to the hoovering. When we met up I witnessed his behavior so clearly so in that aspect, I could logically see him reflecting so much of everything written here which was a positive for me but STILL I got caught up in it all over again providing him negative fuel until I exhausted my self. I’ll spare the details. Same ole story. Meanwhile it’s true that the thoughts and memories — mostly bad at this point are inescapable. How does this stop ? Your choice “encoded” is so apt. He works in technology ( when he has a job which is rare because he’s always getting fired) and that clicked for me.
You need to organise a consultation with me.
Exorcism was a great help. I’m now about to start EMDR therapy. Any experience with this HG? Think it will help?
Hello Numb, I am pleased you found the book useful. Others have mentioned that they found EMDR therapy useful. I have a friend who has accidentally killed two people through his work (people who committed suicide by leaping in front of his vehicle) and he was given EMDR both times and he said it help him.
I told him he should swerve next time.
He is a train driver.
Agree! Therapy is not the answer but education and truth will set you free. Therapy has its place but one needs to find someone who is versed in this area of healing.
It could also be that women are socially (and biologically in terms of sexual reproduction) vulnerable, taught to feel morally responsible for others and to find self worth in being attractive to men.
which is why men can use sex more easily as a weapon to harm them, they are already subjugated by their gender.
if anyone is decieved into giving consent and forming an attachment, then it is hard for them to understand what has happened, and they might then internalise: take on the shame of the abusive act that the perpetrator has projected onto them. victim blaming, gaslighting, etc…
it’s not so much ’bout special psychological superpowers, it’s about historical political systems and taking total advantage of them.
It’s a very powerful post HG. Thank you. And I must say that until I’ve found you, I always had a loving memory of the Golden period for a freaking 3years. Angry but at the same time loving. Then gradually I start waking up. Since I start reading your blogs I often feel sick in my stomach as now I truly see what he was and still and I’m sure he will try to make contact somehow as you said HG just give it a time. Normally bad memories are fading away and good memories stays for soo long. Now I know one thing-there are no good memories with a Narc. Straight after discard and for a few years(well, for me it took 5years) we believe we have good memories but with time, education and knowledge those memories became a night mare. To be honest I don’t believe in therapy. Education and every day work that works for me.that’s how it works for me.
Narc number 3 for me. Wondering how on earth that’s possible? How did I not see it? The first nearly broke me. One year with him took me five to recover from. The depth of pain was incredible. The second, I saw the signs and it only lasted a few months. I kicked him to the kerb and went no contact & thought I had it all figured out. A year or two later and I fell deeply in love. The lovebombing lasted less than 6 months. I knew he had ‘issues’, I knew I deserved to be treated better, but I was so weak and confused and broken and I let him treat me like a doormat for a full year before I left. I thought I was in a bad relationship, I didn’t even see it as abusive. He put a knife to my throat, and I didn’t see that I was in an abusive relationship. How do I explain that to anyone? How did I not know he was a narc? Craziness. The whole thing is just craziness. I’m SO glad I’m out… now I have a chance of a happy future.
Erica
I’m very glad you’re out, too! That sounds not only abusive but very dangerous.