Dirty Divorce
Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –
- It is your fault. It is always your fault;
- If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
- We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to use through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
- If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
- If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
- There is no concern on our part that we might well be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
- We like to get in first;
- Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.
If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –
- A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
- It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
- Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
- We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
- We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
- Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
- It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.
Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.
Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?
- The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
- If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
- There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
- There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
- Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
- We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
- We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
- There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
- There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
- You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
- There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
- We will place heavy reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
- There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
- Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
- There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
- Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
- Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
- There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
- It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
- We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
- There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
- Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
- You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
- We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
- Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
- There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
- Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
- There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
- We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.
Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.
35 thoughts on “Dirty Divorce”
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I’m 21 getting divorced from a narcissistic … I’d love to get advice on my posts.
You are in the right place to do so.
In the middle of divorcing a narcissist now. So many of your points are spot on for my situation. When is that book coming out?
No firm publication date as of yet.
still waiting and need this book now, more than ever….
Sarah I am insulted by your attack on Mr. Tudor and even more so by your attack on us, the victims of Narcissistic abuse. If you have lived it as you say how can you have no empathy for others who have suffered as well? I consider myself to be an intelligent and educated woman, as a matter of fact my IQ is over 140 if that matters and I had zero knowledge of topic until I found this site. Yes there are other sources of information on Narcissism but none are so concise and brutally honest as this one. Not even close. This is because here we have the info we need given to us straight from the horses mouth. It is painful, it is awful and it is so very empowering! This site has changed my life. I am so happy for you that you were able to escape your situation but you are not better than the victims here who find support and validation and the knowledge we need to end our situations and prevent further abuse. If we feel appreciative toward the man who helped us recover our sanity and increase our defenses that really is not your concern. Who are you to judge any of us?
Sarah,
Angry much?
I sure was when I first got here.
I have the luxury of uninterrupted NC, and I am now able to laugh about my Narc, (and he was so good at it, he was devastating to many people.) I also cry about the relationship I thought I had.
I am no longer blaming “others” as he had me so convinced and programmed to do.
If this ain’t your cup o tea, don’t let the door hit you on the ass.
But I suspect you get something from it or you wouldn’t be sticking around. “Me thinks thou doth protest too much!”
Whichever,
Perse
I’ve started to notice that the women who subscribe to this site are all of the opinion that their own ‘ Narcs ‘ are Assholes or some such other derogatory name and that they have now reached sudden dazzling enlightenment through the exposing insights of Mr Tudor .
Why is it that the majority of women suck up to him and fawn over his crazy actions and words .
Would you feel the same feelings towards a Serial Rapist or Murderer in their Expose of their lives and actions .
No you wouldn’t .
Stop lining this man’s pockets and feeding his ego .
Sarah k
HG is providing an accurate account of his kinds perspective.
The fact is this blog is free, his books are relatively inexpensive to free to read depends by the route one takes, so enlighten me on how this is lining his pockets. The only thing one actually pays for is a consult and his time is just as valuable as any doctor, therapist, etc You pay them for their time and knowledge and get a person that hears yet doesn’t listen then gives their diagnosis of what is wrong, with him you get someone who listens then gives accurate information in handling a situation.
So what if his ego get stroked with this, he is doing this as one person, plus juggling a life both professional and private, can you accomplish anything close to that?
The only thing you have come across is you can not see past he is a narcissist and the gratitude many here show him is fawning over him.
Tut Tut Tut ….
Another brainwashed zombie .
when will you wake up and realise what he is .
Do you think he does it to empower people , no …. if he did then where would he get his next victim .
He does this for no other reason other than himself , just like your own Narcs did ito you and mine did to me .
Wake up , get a grip and stop helping him to continue grow rich from other people’s misery .
I have made it clear before, my victims come from my private life. People have asked me before would I not be concerned that my information would result in a shortage of victims and I have explained that it will not because there will always be plenty, so your assertion falls. I have been repeatedly clear why I do this and my readers understand this, they know I do not do it out of any sense of empathy or the ‘goodness of my heart’ – they gain from the information and why shouldn’t they gain? I can readily state that the number of people I have assisted to move forward, understand and protect themselves runs into the thousands – what of you? You insult the readers with your attitude.
Blah Blah blah ..
why don’t you email me and we can continue this in private without your minions and hangers on watching .
No you won’t because that does not provide you with a kick …
Positively Churchillian. Why didn’t you e-mail me to begin with – my e-mail is readily available? That option was available to you but no, you appeared throwing around judgement and insults. I think it is you who wants the audience. Oh and look, judging again, referring to people as “minions” and “hangers on”.
Mr Tudor , what of me you ask ….
I have been a Nurse for nearly 30 years , I have helped thousands of sick and vulnerable people , I have not abused people like you have . You then go on through your own sick self gratification to try and help them .
Your perception of what is empowering and helpful to people is skewed .
If these people want to continue subscribing to you sickness then let them .You will continue to have your ego massaged and your pockets lined by the people who buy your books .
Twilight , do not judge me on what I have accomplished .
You know nothing about my background , my life .
When you have the privilege of knowing only then can you comment .
Until then keep your judgmental attitude to yourself .
Thanks
Sarah
But of course Sarah, you feel free to exercise your judgemental attitude though.
No Mr Tudor , I will call you that because unlike so many on here that call you HG I will not allow that familiarity .
No I am not judgmental , unlike you who judged me on my education . You assumed something you knew nothing about .
Again I would say judge me when you know me, but you don’t and you never will because I am out of your league .Again I will reiterate I battled a bigger Narcissist than you and won , a man that you would be envious of because of his wealth and social standing .
Say whatever you like , it washes over me like water .
There you go again, judging. I have no interest in this individual you apparently battled. I can assure you it will not evoke any envy in me. Why are you here? You haven’t managed anything constructive yet. All you did when you first arrived was to judge and bandy around insults, then you vanished and here you are back again.
Sarah K
I am fully aware what he is
What I stated was
So what if his ego get stroked with this, he is doing this as one person, plus juggling a life both professional and private, can you accomplish anything close to that?
Nowhere in my comment did I judge your acomplishments, I asked if you could accomplish such.
If you can not handle the truth of your comment being replied to, keep silent. I am not a brainwashed zombie that you so judged me to be. So who is actually doing the judging here?
Bottom line is you can not handle the truth, HG is a narcissist and he is helping many move forward, and not one time has he ever not been truthful in his why he is doing this and what he is.
Only the foolish speak nonsense
SARAH K, it is part of his recovery process: to help other victims. Although it may seem like victims “suck up to and fawn over his crazy actions and words.” The truth is, as victims, it is hard to understand the behavior and the line of thinking. H G has provided people with ways to understand and evaluate their own circumstance. It provides victims with an understanding of a severe personality disorder, which is not well-known to society. If other people feel they need this understanding, there is nothing wrong with that. I wondered why people reacted that way when I came across the site. If you have endured the wrath of a Greater Narcissist, you would understand the dire need for truth and understanding. When you are going through a case that is severe, H G provides clear understanding; sometimes it is brutal but is truth. Everything he says matches what my ex-husband has done. It is not the need to benefit him that victims are concerned with, and if they are then that is their business and a likely co-dependency issue. Recovery for narcissists is highly complex, as the first step is to admitting to a problem and need for change (how dare you think a narcissist has anything wrong with him/her?). Have respect for the author who is sharing insight into this personality disorder that is highly misunderstood, and respect his clients for having a need for clarity and assistance on how to move on/continue with life. A Greater Narcissist can do major psychological damage to a person. It is a form of abuse that people do not understand unless they endure it to that extreme. It is no walk-in-the-park but more of a walk-in-the-dark for victims, and the recovery for any personality disorder is extensive due to the extreme nature of its development throughout roots in childhood trauma. Pray that you never become enveloped by a narcissist’s wrath of any level, much less the Greater. This is the only and I mean the only site I have come across with such brutal truth. I appreciate the need for healing on both parts. As a mental health professional, this is one of the personality disorders I do not see, unless a Lesser has been ordered in my office by a judge. Even then, the person would be better off admitting something is wrong rather than stating something isn’t. The need for superiority and fuel hinders their thinking. I have yet to see an narcissistic sociopath come in my office, without court orders. As a matter of fact, I have only seen two: one ordered by a judge for evaluation and one younger man, forced by his mother. Neither have returned. Respect the people involved before passing judgment. It makes you no better than anyone else. Domestic violence is rampant and people are only now becoming enlightened by the truth of the narcissist. It is still unknown and irrelevant in many courts. Knowledge is power. In this case, it is a matter of understanding how a life could be changed by H G’s information, that is relevant. Empower others and don’t discourage the efforts and needs of many people.
Blah Blah Blah ,
I have lived it ..
Get a grip and stop fooling yourself you are being empowered by this man .
Sarah,
If you’re so disgusted then leave. It seems as though you may have a problem yourself. You know nothing about any of us. You know nothing of the status we share. I almost feel sorry for you, however your motive seems to only warrant response and not describe what the true problem is for you. Sound familiar?
Sarah K, show us on a Sarah K. Pinata where Mr. Tudor hurt you.
So true. In the middle of this now, and I just found his latest tactics on this list.
When I became pregnant with my daughter, I told the narc I was dating that I was pregnant. His response was “you are going to make a barren couple very happy”. He wanted me to give her up for adoption. I was 29 not 9. Two weeks later he moved to Alaska. Yes, Alaska.
I grew up with my mother fighting like a dog for child support and I wanted no part of that. She only fought because she hated him, not because she needed the money. I didn’t speak to my daughter’s father again and my daughter is 20. Money is never free and I knew I didn’t want to earn it that way.
I thank God we didn’t marry. Wives, husbands, children, extended family, even pets are ALL destroyed when going through a divorce with a narcissist and it seems to go on forever. I can’t imagine how hopeless that must feel.
I think everything you listed has happened. He is the financial superior, with his family owning a Coca-Cola business. I asked for the divorce, and once I moved out, he filed. At first I didn’t see what would go wrong with him filing, until later. After almost 4 years, we are still battling custody. I was “the bad guy” at first. My attorney presented a ton of evidence at trial…of course it went that far. My attorney was actually hopeful. I told him, no…it won’t happen.
He had another woman moved in shortly with another child. That’s where my nightmare truly started. She is his “flying monkey.”
He had no clue that he had left large bruises across her rear and hip in the shape of a cooking spatula (our daughter.) She is now 5, but at the time of her molestation allegations, she was 4. She knew better than to tell anyone. Everyone failed her. He has gotten by with everything.
In trial, I was bombarded with outrageous accusations and lies that I almost laughed about, but I didn’t in an attempt to remain calm and collected. He remained calm and collected for about 85% of the time. He had no records or evidence of the accusations. I am the one who had to take a polygraph test. I was made to be the horrible, crazy, slutty, drug addicted, money-grubber. I am settling for way less than originally planned, but that is not enough. He has been filed in contempt due to not paying the financial settlement. If he doesn’t pay, we will be back in trial.
My daughter is my main concern. My ex even had his now wife file a protective order on me, stating I harassed and stalked her and her daughter. I never did. However, they had people watching me; his wife showed up at my house; they had pictures off of my facebook; they even tried to set me up by having someone I knew message me. I didn’t tell any lies, so nothing showed up to the judge other than a pack of lies.
My finances are way out of control now. He didn’t pay the loans or anything. It is making it tough to survive.
I work Monday through Friday, and I try to continue as best I can. My daughter is happy when she is with me. She doesn’t want to go back due to his behavior. They leave her out of things on purpose, when they get the chance.
The judge has temporarily assigned us joint custody. It is proving ineffective. I had to fire my old attorney and get a new one. I do believe he was paid off. I now have an aggressive woman for an attorney. She is the one that filed him in contempt of court. That happened earlier this month. Trial was in March 2017.
This has been a nightmare. I keep thinking it will at least be over. The judge granted the divorce, but after all of the evidence displayed at trial, he is taking his time to rule.
I try to mind my own business and care for my daughter and myself. I’m struggling financially, but we will make it.
What happens next? I am sure a trial by judge for contempt of court. I haven’t heard of them reaching an agreement on finances. My attorney has held the deed back as collateral, in exchange for the settlement. This has infuriated him, and I have heard he’s bought another house. The address is even on his checks from the bank, yet the house is not in a name we know.
My baby, though…I just pray and go to church with her. She goes to counseling on my weeks. She has been pulled apart, confused, hurt in every way possible, and she wants to stay with me. I’ve never denied him a phone call or her, if she were to ask…but she never has. He won’t allow me to speak to her at all when he has her. They go out of their way to keep me from her. It is a horrible feeling!!! She is too sweet and innocent.
This is definitely the Dirty Divorce. Nothing like any I have heard of in this county/district where I live. It is a living nightmare. I am just better at hiding it from him now. My new attorney already got tired of him and addressed the way he spoke to me in messages. I only answer if it is a relevant question pertaining to our daughter…nothing else. So he gets very angry. He did try to bring her by my house instead of meeting at the police station. He was very persistent. I just told him no; our houses are not neutral. Pick the police department or the school. Police department it was. Oh, and he transferred her from the best school in town to the only one he has pull in, due to his money.and donations.
What can I do?
You need to organise to consult with me.
I sent one 🙂 Thank you H G.
Denial and projection & verbal assault = my Narc’s favourite things. Asshole.
I heart simplicity, Fiona.
The divorce with a Narc is a really ditry process and I learned this lesson with my first husband.
So, my second marriage, as my husband likes to joke, is “on the verge of divorce”. Separate accounts, separate property, my full “future” child’s custody. I even didn’t take his last name (albeit I gave his last name to our son). In short, everything is ready for quick divorce.
Perhaps, it is the secret why we live together for so long. When you have a high risk to lose something valuable, you start to value it more.
this came in a very timely manner and all of the above is true, and then some…. is “Divorce & The Narcissist” available for purchase now? I NEED it! Thank You
Not yet.
Why do you gain so much satisfaction from torturing people . Yes you offer insight into the deranged and twisted mind of your kind but to profit from people’s misery is monstrous .
The best thing that these sycophantic women that fawn over you and hang onti every word you say is to cut you off at the knees .
Stop the fuel supply ..
They need to get a grip on and wise up .