Poll – How Have You Been Hoovered?
The hoover. Infamous weapon of our kind.
Which type of types of hoover have you experienced? This poll is by reference to either those hoovers which formed part of the Initial Grand Hoover (when you escaped) or the Follow-Up Hoovers, down the line following disengagement or escape.
Did you find yourself in receipt of repeated text messages or was it a hand-written letter? Did the narcissist speak to you in person, turning up at your home or at your work place for instance? Perhaps you experienced The Spectre where the narcissist would make their physical presence known but would not speak, standing outside your house, driving past your home, hovering nearby as you collected your children from school? Maybe it was done by proxy, through a friend or family of yours or the narcissist? Were gifts sent or did you find that your property was damaged or stolen? Perhaps you could not resist looking at the narcissist’s social media where you saw various posts which were aimed at you in the hope you would see them, through this passive form of hoovering? Was it a Reverse Hoover so that you were invited or caused to contact the narcissist because he would not return property or kept a pet?
It isn’t the detail of the hoover but the methodology, so if the narcissist opted for a Fake Emergency Powerplay Hoover and did so through a text message, then it is the methodology of text message which is relevant for this poll.
As ever, please do expand on your experience in the comments section and you can choose as many answers as are applicable before pressing vote.
Thank you for participating.
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Bloody hoovers! He’s pretty much tied everything! Lives nothing more than to seek me out and try to humiliate me in public. Hello intervention order…..although…it hasn’t stopped him completely.
I chose social media but what i wanted to choose is hoover by email. The only time i escaped years ago he emailed me just after his birthday. We hadnt talked for over a week (i know long time huh lol) but it felt like an eternity. He didnt badger me but apologised and said how much he missed me and if i didnt want to reply that was ok and he would no longer contact or bother me.
Looking back i can see why he waited the week bc he knew id be at a weakened state (withdrawals emotionally) vs right away in which id still be angry. It was a strategy. This is why if youre serious about leaving you go full no contact. You cant contact or look them up and they cant contact you. It is protection. It also lifts the burden of disappointment when you see no hoover and also anxiety of always looking. There wont be an email or text or phone call bc you made sure that wasnt possible.
My other ex narc who i was at one time attached to would also hoover by email. Hed pretend nothing happened when hed disappear and everything was normal. That got old quick and i no longer was interested. He still after over 10 yrs emails from the UK where hes gone back to but i never reply. That boat sailed and sank. Sometimes victims bore and lose interest too. Comparing narcissists he never gave a droplet of what my narc now has but he was also a more safe narc to attach to.
So I never go on Instagram. Well I did and all of a sudden his Instagram is now public of course with a very recent pic of himself looking very fit.
I have also received a couple of unknown calls and a friend request from a strange man ( which I have gotten before$ and when I look at the location of this person it’s his city
Are these hoovers?
Yes.
Thank you. I suspected they might be. HG here’s the the thing I don’t get, Hoovers are designed to bring you back into the fold correct? I could contact him right now. I’m not blocked on his phone and I guarantee you he would ignore me so why do this hoover maneuver ?
Define “back into the fold”. If you mean to resurrect a relationship such as boyfriend and girlfriend, no, not necessarily. If you mean to exert some form of control in order to gain fuel and possibly residual benefits, then yes.
So I guess my question here is this to get me to contact him so he can ignore me ?
Potentially or to engage for fuel.
Thank you HG. I appreciate the response. While I don’t ask questions in order to try and manipulate him anymore. Thankfully I think I’ve passed that stage. I know there is no possible positive outcome. None. I am now in a stage where I feel like I’m hyper vigilant about how I might be hoovered. I don’t if that’s because I want to be hoovered or if it’s iust anxiety. My guess is a little bit of both. Being a Codepebdent I would naturally find validation in a Hoover though intellectually I know there is no validation in a hoover.
I’ve been trying more to figure out my own behavior as opposed to his. Focusing on his is futile. I need to give more thought as to why I care why he may or may not be hoovering,but I will say I do find calmness when I know what or what not to expect.
Oh And HG guess what ? In the last couple of hours since I wrote this, I just got another friend request ffrom a fake profile. That is 2 now before and after my birthday.
Is that something you would do with a former ipss ? If so, is it so they can keep an eye on you and what you are doing and who you are doing it with ?
I’m very surprised to see silent calls as a means of a hoover.
And he used someone who used to be a friend of mine.
I’m not surprised by his tactics anymore.
Im sure more on the list will be forthcoming.
What the hell is going off here. His supply that he left me for 7 months ago was liking my stuff on my fb wall at 3am this morning. I blocked hers and ex narc months ago and now she’s using another account. Obviously Iv blocked it but don’t know why she’s doing it?
Hello Rachel,
1. It may be him hoovering you using her profile;
2. It may be her doing it as his instigation – direct or indirect;
3. It may be a Lieutenant using her profile.
Maybe hes devaluing her and she wants to get in contact with you to compare notes and is testing the waters?
If this is the case then she can take a running jump after the smear campaign she did on me. I did warn her but was made out to be the crazy ex. She can suffer and I hope she suffers 100 x more than me!
I answered based on latest narc encounter. If based on my ex-husband then it’s every single one of them.
HG.
Before I totally blocked him , once by accident I’ve called his number because I wasn’t wearing my specs but I’ve cancelled the call straight away and send him text with my apology that I pressed his number by mistake. He replied with “Who is this?” That was final hurt he could cause me. I have blocked him on every level and since then he hasn’t tried hover me at all. And to be honest, the scale of my wishful thinking ‘hover’/’not hover’ gradually balancing itself towards ‘not hover’ As I said before I might be paranoid as noticing some strange activity around me but it might be nothing to do with my ex-narc, could be only my imagination. Apart a few days ago I saw him on a ring road but he didn’t see me so, that doesn’t counts. Right????
It has been almost 2 years since I kicked him to the curb. And he just won’t give up. His hoovers are listed in order of frequency:
1. Standing and watching me from afar.
2. Walking so close to me that he almost
brushes against me.
3. Tries to provoke me by accusing me of doing
or not doing something pertaining to my
job.
I am working on brushing him off 100% of the time. He is not worth getting riled up about.
Love you HG!
Hg approves.
Hi elise…that sounds more like stalking.
Hi narc affair, he used to be much worse! My therapist also called him a stalker. Thank you for your comment. I will take this into consideration. Just in case. You never know.
Hi HG and everyone..well my discard happened in a 24 hour period where my N, who I had been with for 18 months, she was 30 years younger than me and an “Actress and Model” (Note the quotes-I am as HG has commented “Somewhat Famous”) had me drop her in another state where she quickly slept with someone else somewhat famous and was out narc-ed by him and thrown out after their sojourn..Even in her elevated state of being better than everyone, she was duped into thinking he was going to marry her and she would marry into a VERY famous family. Realizing that she was above all that are her around her, she then stole my van, started driving to California and apparently hooking in truck stops.(I didn’t know she had been a hooker as a teen) and was convicted of possession of a controlled substance. All the while she was hoovering me via text, phone and email, saying she wanted to come back and she needed money (which I sent-but she used for drugs and bail). She came back for one day and jumped on a plane(with no money) It turned out the ticket was paid for by a very famous(that word again) brothel owner where she changed her name (fifth time) and became a prostitute at a famous brothel.(again all the while I was paying for phone, and everything else) When I found out where she was the hoovers and nastiness were beyond belief. I was gay, a pedophile, left her for dead, not a man, beat her, stopped her career, everyone hated me, I made no money…pretty cookie cutter, until her John’s started sending me death threats and I had to call the authorities in. I went NC in mid January, but was hoovered via hundreds of texts, mails, pinger phone calls and YouTube and Facebook where she put up slanderous videos and tirades until mid May.When my new CD was released I was again hoovered with hundreds of text messages from new numbers that I didn’t have. At that point my lawyers and I decided to go for an OOP and a Slander suit, but she disappeared when she was fired from her prostitution gig..(Falsifying information and the drug conviction) She was never able to turn many against me, because she disappeared into prostitution and wouldn’t speak to anyone, so they all came to me for an explanation, which I gladly offered. She has now faded for the time being, but I might be nominated for a number of awards and I would suspect more hoovers will be on the way since she believes my CD (and upcoming book) are “all about her”…Stay tuned….as she said to me…”I don’t even know why I talk to you, you’ll never reach my intellectual level”
Wow …what a story !😳
Sad,on many levels. The craziness , never ends and when you think they have gone as far as they can go ; they out distance themselves, once again. Glad you’re experiencing , success and are out of the fun house.
I WILL stay tuned!!!
Bobby — “I don’t even know why I talk to you, you’ll never reach my intellectual level”
FAMOUS last words 🙄
Bobby – that almost sounds like a lifetime movie. Damn.
We had been texting and going out on dates all summer and where “official” for 3 weeks but broke up on bad terms on August 19th via WhatsApp (pathetic, I know). At first we got along very well but I started to notice some red flags along the way and decided to break it off by telling him I didn’t feel like he appreciated me at all and that this had made realize I wouldn’t settle for less than I deserved. He said we were ‘strangers’ now and deleted my number.
Two days later he sent “Although I don’t want to admit it, I miss you”. I told him the same as before and he replied “Just wanted to tell you, I expected nothing to change. Have a good week “. I thought that was it and moved on.
2 weeks later, he texted “Hello, good morning. I was thinking of you. Have a good day.” I said “thank you”.
What the hell? Why? Did my reply although short and neutral give him supply? Is this considered hoovering?
Thanks in advance.
Honestly, I think it was companionship I was seeking, as well. They were all after sex, and I didn’t care. That’s a recovery process after being treated like a toy, well like you…13 years! So, I started going to church and I made it clear to the guy I am hanging out with that I am not out for sex right now. He is the only one that hasn’t just walked away. I am tired of feeling like a toy! Hell, I wasn’t even a fun toy. I wanted to have fun, but that self-gratification is pretty specific! My ex wouldn’t allow me to attend church unless he was there, since it was a “social event and how dare I attempt to go without him?!? That would make him look just horrible.” Gag. People will say, “Well at least you got your daughter out of it.” I say, “Yes, but there are ways around that. If I would have continued the path I was going, before he snagged me…I would have my PhD and would simply get a sperm donor!” Hahaha! He might as well, since he thinks he’s God. Ahhh…but then he would have no control and probably pay off someone to find out where his children could be. Still, it would be different. It’s okay though. It has made us stronger. I hope you find a companion. It is hard to find someone genuine, but it is possible! Most people here don’t even understand NPD, and it is so overlooked in the judicial system. Peace & Happiness XX KMR
Certification in NPD criteria should be mandatory for all levels of the judicial system and its attorneys
I have something to share that just came from my attorney! I have not discussed NPD with her yet….. “STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. The information you post online may become FUEL for your spouse to use in your divorce”…. lol, I am steps ahead of her already…THX HG!
C*
Hello, I have been reading your comments about your “malign-hoover-divorce” and I am sorry you are dealing with a 3rd divorce from a 3rd narc. It must be overwhelming and stressful and I couldn’t agree more with your comment about certification in NPD being mandated on all levels of the judicial system. I, also, think it should be mandated for all (school) nurses, doctors, teachers and counselors, as well as, police officers. You are right, no one can take away your sense of pride. The STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA warning made me smile. We really have learned a lot here.
thanks K!
indeed.. overwhelming is putting it mildly…. there are no words… thank you, K , for your kind thoughts
I stayed on and went on like the narc never exsisted. I wanted to show i had an audience and i wasnt down. It was with care
C⭐️
Ha, ha! Should be easy to accomplish since so many of them are greater narcs themselves!
They don’t care. where i live, the judges have an average of 6 hours of training in psychology. They are there to divide assets (including your children). Instead of trying to prove my ex is a Sociopath -which I have pretty hard evidence of, I document what specifically he does that is considered Abuse. When you first divorce a Narcissist, they can play you out to be the “crazy” one. The Narcissist does not count on you working on yourself. If you work on yourself, it will only work in your favor, and the Narcissist will still be up to the same dumb shit. My ex called CPS on me to have them investigate me as an unfit mother. They did not find anything to support his accusations. They did document that he made the calls, and he himself was hostile and uncooperative with their investigation of our child’s well being. They originally wanted me to file for more court appearances to show the judge what he is, I declined, I want to get out of the Devil’s Playground. So they instead sent a reference letter to a posh School in my neighborhood to give our daughter a full scholarship ($10,000/year) to help me out. And I have on file what they observed about him, so when I am ready, I have more evidence of his anger. People all around are starting to document him, but I cant feed into the craziness, or I lose.
ANM
Very true. It is so helpful to not appear angry and emotional and to always be truthful. I never hid abusive things my husband did, I just stated them unemotionally whenever it seemed opportune over the years of our marriage. I never sugar-coated or pretended things were better than they were. I never kept any of my struggles secret, but I was never emotional about them. I just stated them unemotionally like that’s just the way life is.
I was always polite, helpful and well tempered when around anyone else. Never any public display of anything that could be considered inappropriate or offensive. With him being a very outgoing, obviously uncaring, narcissistic person, the weight of public opinion was always on my side.
Trying to smear me was ineffective. I’m sure it would have been very different if I had been histrionic or emotional around other people instead of quiet and rational. People are very hesitant to believe lies when they go against their own personal experiences of the person in question.
BY PROXY.
I had an Order of Protection against him, moved an hour away with our child that he didn’t want in the first place.
Time went by, everyone told me that there was a small-no chance of him bothering me again. Not a chance in hell. I was served with papers for a continuous court battle. After losing the first hearing, I felt doomed and distressed. I pleaded over the phone for the Narcissist to leave me and my baby alone. He laughed and said, “You can’t get rid of me. I am here forever.” I made a lot of initial mistake to lose at the beginning in court, and I was also very reactive, which the Narcissist LOVED about me. I eventually started winning in life and court. Thank You HG for the help.
You are welcome ANM, you are seizing the power.
i sure am, HG
🙂
All possible ways of hoover, which I provoke to see if it will happen. So, after 20 days of my letters to him, he contacted me with love letters, gifts and all of his charm. I think that there is somebody in devaluation, there is another women in seduction and maybe I am back up variant, to use me if a need arises 🙂 Because in the beginning it was more intensive, now it is a letter per week.
But I don’t reply and I am totally not interested, because it is very predictable and at the end it is an empty story.
No contact is the way…
hg – me and my mid range ex went through a pre marital class at a church before he disengaged me (literally) and canceled our wedding. The church must have us on some automatic email list because they sent an email to tell us that if we know of anyone engaged or getting engaged to let them know about the pre marital class. Is receiving an automatic email like this going to make me enter his 6th sphere? I am wondering if I need to let the church know to take me and him both off the list or if it won’t matter. I don’t want anything to cause me to enter the 6th sphere because I have been no contact and I mean HG exorcism level no contact for 5 months. He has hoovered once already but it was 4 months ago.
Yes, this will cause you to enter into the sixth sphere.
HG – I am very surprised he hasn’t hoover yet then. I am no contact and I just moved and changed jobs. He knows my phone number. All my friends and family hate him. He texted me about 3 months ago but I didnt respond. Why did that not cause a hoover to see that email? I guess his new supply is still in her golden period but even so he seems like the mid range type that would hoover anyways. Would the hoover be right away like the same day he sees the email or later?
Your text wounded him and thereafter there was either no hoover trigger or if there was, the hoover execution criteria were not met – accordingly he is focussed on his new IPPS and the golden period. When he devalues her the risk factor will increase for you being hoovered.
I had a similar situation happened twice. The Narcissist(s) was interested in other supply sources right when they were expected to commit, therefore they suddenly disengaged. Because of the commitment level, they can be patient if they have other supply sources, and they will find information even if you are in no contact.
One Midranger in my life wited untill I moved into another serious relationship and broke up to hoover, and say “see it wasnt me. I wasnt so bad was i?”
Another Narcissist, we were engaged, and suddenly called off our wedding a few months before the date. We cut each other out completely. But he found out I was in a relationship and he didnt like it. so he suddenly hyped up a “deadly illness” and hoovered me saying, he was dying, he realized how much he took for granted, I needed to be with him during this hard time, he could die with out me, the new guy was bad news, etc. Midrangers are strange when they do decide to hoover. They come up with the most cray excuses to do so.
It’s almost a year since last contact so I think I may be an outlier that doesn’t get hoovered.
It was a 6 year relationship. He’s in a different state, he contacted me to tell me he married someone about two weeks after 2nd disengagement (he did grand hoover me back in after our first disengagement by threatening suicide, etc). I’ve blocked everything possible and everyone I could think of that he knew. I don’t look for him on social media, I deleted any and all correspondence and photos or reminders. (I did keep some art he gave me but, fuck him, I like it). I rarely if ever think of him anymore. I don’t believe I’m in any spheres of influence (unless maybe a Wendy’s Hamburgers commercial may happen to remind him of me…ha ha!).
So no, I don’t think I’ll be hoovered.
However, I will stay vigilant because I received an attempted hoover after 20 years by the very destructive 2nd narc in my lifetime cast of narc romantic relationships. I deal with a variety of hoovers, both benign and malignant, from my ex-husband but he’s child’s play since I’ve learned so much from Mr. Tudor.