The Final Discard
“He told me he never wanted to see me again so long as he was alive. That is it. This time it really is over.”
“She told me I was useless, pathetic, that she hated me and she would call the police if I came near her again. I don’t understand what is going on, but all I know that is the absolute end.”
“He made it clear that there is no future for us, that he cannot stand the sight of me and that he wants me packed and gone by morning. This is it. It really is it, this time.”
“She has taken everything and left me a letter explaining that she cannot do it any more, that she needs to find herself, whatever that means and there is no future for us together. I knew this was coming, I could tell, I have been given the final discard.”
The final discard. The curtain of conclusion. The guillotine of totality.
It really is over.
So often victims of our kind distinguish between being discarded and then there is (await dramatic music) the FINAL discard. There is being kicked to one side by us but the prospect of being hoovered back in and then there is the final discard whereby you have been removed from your association with us and it is the end of the entanglement and there will be no more engagement between you and I.
Victims often consider declaring that this time is the final discard and they do this for two reasons, which, interestingly are conflicting.
The first reason is that they desperately hope that it is not the final discard at all and that when they explain to whoever is listening to them recount the minute my minute dynamic of this final discard, that the person will tell them that it is not. The victim is hoping that the listener will provide some cogent reason, some piece of evidence which will explain that it cannot be the final discard and thus fulfil that which blazes at the heart of all empathic individuals; hope.
The victim does not want the entanglement to end. He or she cannot bear the pain. They do not want this to be their exile, their abandonment or their expulsion. They want to remain with us but fear that this time it really is the end and they are crying out for somebody to tell them that it is not, just so they can cling to a hope.
The second reason is because the victim does indeed hope that it is over so they are freed from our monstrous clutches. They want that to be the end. The victim, either at the time or sometime after this final discard, having gained some knowledge and understanding, ascertains that what they did caused significant wounding (although often they are wrong about that) and that this wounding was to such a degree that it sent us packing with our tail between our legs, skulking away, broken, humiliated and shame pouring from us, so that we will never, ever dare risk returning to you. The victim concludes that what they did has sent us packing and we will not darken their doorstep or inbox again. It is an understandable conclusion to reach.
There is no such thing as a final discard.
There is no such thing as a discard.
There is only ever dis-engagement.
This is because in our minds you belong to us and the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until you die or we die. That is only when finality applies to our connection. You are our property. You are our fuelling appliance. You are good and then you are bad. You are of use and then you are of no use. And then you are of use again.
We have invested time and energy in you. We want to reap the benefits time and time again.
If you are our primary source, we will dis-engage with you. We paint you black and do not want anything more to do with you at that time. It may appear as if we have ‘discarded’ you, but it is merely the termination of the Formal Relationship. You are not our girlfriend, partner, wife any longer. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. We do not draw fuel from you, we do not take your character traits, we do not take your residual benefits. You are deleted as we enter a golden period with a new primary source.
If you are an intimate secondary source, we will dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf, back in the cupboard, ready for the next time we want to engage with you. You are not deleted. You are just not required. For now. There is no discard. You usually are not devalued. If you are, then you have offended us and there will be a dis-engagement and a termination of the Formal Relationship of booty call, friend with benefits, shag partner.
If you are a non-intimate secondary source, we dis-engage with you. You are placed on the shelf again until the next time we wish to engage with you. Most NISSs do not notice this happen because they regard it as a natural lull in between meeting up, speaking and so forth. Again, it is rare for the NISS to be devalued, but if you are, then you have offended us and the Formal Relationship is terminated. You are no longer our friend.
If you are a tertiary source be it intimate or non-intimate, you will be put to one side as we dis-engage. There is no Formal Relationship to terminate. We may return to you or we may not. It depends on our fuel needs.
Thus, you need to understand that there is only ever a dis-engagement. The Narcissistic Relationship persists. If there is no devaluation, we consider the Formal Relationship to remain in place – thus you remain our booty call, our friend – but we have no need to call on you at the present time. If there is devaluation, then the Formal Relationship is over – you are no longer our wife, you are not our boyfriend, you are not the friend or friend with benefits and we dis-engage.
It is usually us who decide on this dis-engagement. Whether there is devaluation and dis-engagement or just dis-engagement, it is invariably us that makes this decision. If you reject us then it is an escape and of course we will endeavour to hold on to you.
What though of the situation where you have actually wounded us considerably, either as we dis-engaged or more likely, when you make your escape? Surely that brings about finality? That must mean we do not want to engage with you any longer because you have mortally wounded us and as a consequence if you did this as we dis-engaged with you, then we will never return yes? If you did it as part of the escape you implemented, then is it not correct to state that we will not hoover you?
No.
As mentioned many times, there is always a risk that we will come back and hoover you. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger activated by you entering a sphere of influence. Thereafter, the Hoover Execution Criteria has to be achieved. This includes various matters to balance, some increasing the risk of meeting the criteria, others diminishing that risk.
This includes
- the type of narcissist you are dealing with
- how your fuel was regarded
- whether you provided character traits
- whether you provided residual benefits
- whether you are with somebody new
- whether you have recovered from a position of being broken or not
- how easy it is to contact you
- how easy it is to make physical contact with you
- whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement
- whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement
- whether there are outstanding issues – money, property etc
- whether there are obstacles
- whether there is a risk of wounding
Thus you can see the savage wounding you may have inflicted on the last occasion we interacted is but a consideration in the criteria. Yes, it may well be an important consideration when viewed against the other criteria but it will not itself amount to a final discard.
No matter how damning we were about you, how we may well have used words such as “never”, “do not”, “forever” or “always”, we are pragmatists. It is the practical need of fuel which governs all that we do. Contradiction and hypocrisy do not concern us. We can perform a 180 degree turn, a volte face or a complete turnaround and it matters not. Those were yesterday’s words.
We do not discard.
We will always come back IF the Hoover Trigger is activated and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.
There is no final discard.
And that is my final word on the matter.
24 thoughts on “The Final Discard”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I have just been discarded. My discard came after being unavailable to drive 110 miles to see him over the Christmas holidays so that could spend time with my daughter who was home from college. I have yet to collect my property from his home and will go next week to collect it. I was going to leave behind my share of our vintage wine collection. If I take my share of the vintage wine without discussing it with him, will this cause him to hoover? Or, if I decide to leave it behind and collect it later ( not sure if he will let me collect it later or just be done with me), will that lead to him hovering? I just didn’t know what to do with the wine right now and since I spent $$$ on the vintage stuff I don’t want to take the chance of not being able to collect it later. I’m unclear on the hoover topics above such as: ‘whether we know you have been lamenting our dis-engagement”
and “whether you have been angry about our dis-engagement”. Not sure what you meant by the above? So if I was angry over him disengaging, he will hoover? Right now I am getting the silent treatment. He does not respond to phone calls even after he said it was ok to call, he does not respond to emails.
I’m just beginning to learn about narcissists thanks to a friend. I didn’t even realize I was dating one. I was stupid and sent emails asking for forgiveness and asked if we could speak on the phone. Now I will remain silent and go collect my things. Just wanted to be clear on hoovering so as to not engage him in that.
Being a narc is hard work ! Stuff that … They require fuel to fill the emptiness inside them ( that voice that says ‘ come on u know your a piece of shit and a loser) . so they use people to make them feel gd about themselves , which never works ( only themselves alone can fill that hole ..but because they can’t internalize those feelings they need an outside source to do it ) . so everyday they act like something they are not so no one finds out Wat they think of themselves. ( if they think it , it must be true of course) . and go hunting for the ‘love’ that’ll ease the pain . At first its successful to fill the hole and stop the voices. but then the feelings of anger and hatred come slowly back in , so that must mean the source isn’t working anymore.. Hence the disengagement. And the need for another try to find the ONE that’ll stop it all for gd.. But the thing is there is NO-ONE who will ever be able to do that … Stuff that !!! How exhausting. That’s my simplified take on it anyways…… I think gd on u HG for helping people ( including me!) understand what the narc is….but as a narc why would u bother ? Wat do u get out of it ? Just curious really . 🙂
Wow Sarah. You really put this into perspective for me. I’ve had similar thoughts but never put them down in this manner and I thank you for this.
What if we use fuel too? Being a suspected empath although I dont know.. I like how I feel around certain people. I know sometimes I dont want to be around others because they dont help me feel good or nice. What if that is fuel? What if the feelings I am feeling are actually fuel? How do we know the difference.
Also anyone having trouble subscribing to posts? I keep getting an error with WP. And cant figure out how to subscribe another way. I get an email asking me to confirm follow” click on it and it has an error.
“Now you’re showing exactly what I meant before.
This really isn’t gonna work”
“It’s just broken, completely. Nothing will fix it.”
“I think it’s time we have this final talk.”
The talk wasn’t final, we’re sort of talking once in a while. I still hope I’m wrong about him… going to keep reading your site. It’s difficult to accept, but evidence is there. I feel like I need to convince myself.
I thankfully have not been hoovered by my “other” narcissist for 9 years! Yay!
You can’t discard that which was never yours. The facade works both ways.
It is never over. He gets to die eventually but we still have the memories so it’s not truly over until we die.
I had the final discard, no contact for one month and with issues about money in between, I am keeping the NC by my side, just getting weird phone call really late at night but I don’t answer, the problem and my fear is that he knows where to find me if he wants to broke the NC, but he blocker me from everywhere, so I hope he keep it like that, I can’t explain with words how much he hurst me and how much he mess up my life, to the point that I fell in a horrible depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts… 😞
i wish there was (Final Discard)… until death do us part, correct? Hmmm
but there is no “Final Discard”….
There were numerous “last time” dis-engagements of his decision. Each time I moved out, each time devastation. Each time I willingly went back.
The last time (last time) was the last time!
I’ve decided not to re-enter the Cycle of Abuse anymore and, after much time, I feel like I’ve become immune to the charm and apparent of his hoovering.
Question…
I escaped but,during the escape my narc has been incarcerated. It is looking like I have at least a year or more to heal and hide…but we do have a child together…he has not tried to contact me while in jail..as is usually the norm in outer situation. IF what am I to expect when he does make the move to contact us?
That was supposed to read…HD what am I to expect when he does anniciate contact?
Dawn
Your question requires a lot more information and time than could be given here, especially given that you have a child with him. Please have an email consult with HG so he can address your specific situation. You need to be prepared and HG can give you the strategy and tools. I promise you wont be disappointed.
My ex-husband divorced me for our daughter and she loved it she finally beat mom at something. As I grow away from that time I realise the smear campaign started when my kids were young and his intention was to eventually ” take it all”. Which he almost did. However, when he dangles the idea that maybe I could have contact with the children I pause. They are being raised by a narcissist and are starting to act like him. It was one thing to run from their father but when my own children act as if I should come back and apologise I wonder if it is worth trying to make contact at all
Perfect timing. This evening one of my good friends pmd me a video link that my narc ex of 7 years ago asked him to send on to me. (I have no idea what is in the link, I’m not biting).
My recent ex and him have mutual friends in common on social media (although they may be friends now I have no idea). HG, please tell me I’m not paranoid by thinking he’s heard about my latest relationship coming to an end and thinks that I’ll be more vulnerable to a hoover by proxy (he’s also blocked everywhere).
No, you are not being paranoid.
Hi HG , what happen if we ” see you in court ” and we obtain some kind of human justice ( probation , jail for a short time , etc ) . Is that a final discard or not ?
Thank you
No, it is not.
Ufff , ok , HG , I give up , there is no final discard . But how he can think I want to be part of his life again ? I ‘ ll better go undercover