Victim or Volunteer – Part One
I seduced you. There is no doubt that this happened. I was the protagonist and I brought you under my spell. But let us go a little further back. I chose you. I identified you as a prospect and then undertook my investigative work to determine that you had what I was looking for (you did) and then I began to gather the material that would aid my seduction of you. You had no idea that you had walked into my sights. You had no idea that my gaze followed you around the room, that I observed where you worked, where you lived and began the careful assimilation of information about who you are from your friends and your online presence. In fact, your social media contribution was instrumental in allowing me to ascertain that you fitted the profile that I require in those I target. Not only that, your tendency to plaster your life over the internet provided me with a plethora of material to use in my seduction. More than most I felt I really did know you before I even met you. There are enough warnings about remaining safe on-line, plenty of guides about how to be secure in your internet dealings and to chart the waters of cyberspace in an enjoyable yet cautious manner. Not that you paid any regard to this as comments, photographs, location tags and such like were thrown like broadcasted seeds out into cyberspace. You posted photographs which showed inside your home, it was easy enough from your frequent location tags to work out the neighbourhood where you lived and then using the photographs to identify which was your house. You didn’t see me sat in the car outside as I waited one morning for the confirmation that was where you lived. I had a good look through your windows as well seeing as how you opened all the blinds and that hedge meant nobody saw me taking note of what lay within you house. Some might say that such an approach meant you asked for what happened. Would it be uncharitable to suggest that your lax approach to sharing your life on social media caused you to stand out as a ready target?
It was not difficult to engage you. You are after all a bright and vivacious person with many friends. Indeed, those friends enjoy talking about you to people and they offered up more information about you. Perhaps you should re-consider who you trust with information about you. I was always pushing on an open door with you and even the surprising hesitancy you showed when I suggested we sit in a booth together in that bar was soon overcome as I began to mirror you.
Did you not think it strange that I just happened to like jet ski-ing and was apparently a member of the same club as you, that I loved Thai food and enjoyed dance music? Our mutual love of rugby (I had to swot up on that admittedly) provided the opening for a date at a rugby match. Did you not think it was unusual that we clicked on so many levels or were you just swept away by the fact we did and therefore never gave it a second thought? Some might suggest that this was opening yourself up to my charms rather too quickly or are they being unduly critical of you?
We attended the rugby in the afternoon and I had already arranged dinner at a restaurant I knew you often frequented. You expressed such delight at this surprise by planting a huge kiss on my lips. I knew you are an excitable person but did you ever stop to think how, out of the thousands of restaurants in this city, I knew this was your favourite? You actually did ask me, as we dined, how I knew about this place and I explained a client had recommended it to me. When you explained it was your favourite I feigned surprise and added that I just thought you might like it. You did not pick up on how I was able to secure a booking on a Saturday and an excellent table to boot, but then how were you to know about the slipped notes passed to a member of staff. After all, I move with an air of considered confidence so it all fitted together didn’t it that I would command such close attention from the waiting staff through the evening.
You even missed the fact that somewhat inebriated I was able to tell the taxi driver where you lived. I had become somewhat amused at how easy this was proving to be. Your readiness to down glass after glass of wine in the company of someone you had not long ago met. Was that remiss of you or was it understandable given the way I made myself seem so familiar to you through my background work on you. I decided to let slip your address to the taxi driver, even though you had not given it to me, yet you completely missed this. As I helped you into the taxi, ever the gent, you missed the almost reptilian smile I gave. I didn’t. I saw it reflected back at me in the window of the taxi.
I had earlier plied you with plaudits and listened to you offer me up even more information, telling me where you worked, what you did there, information about your colleagues, taking me through your relationships with your family, your favourite musicals and so on. I logged it all as you opened up to me, pouring so much knowledge in my direction. There are those who might consider that to be a natural thing to do, the social lubrication which makes the interpersonal relationship easier and who is to say they are wrong? You accepted my compliments with good grace and returned them which pleased me considerably. I had to stop myself laughing out loud as you declared those phrases which told me that all lights are green.
“I feel like I have known you for years.”
“This is wonderful; we have so much in common.”
“You know me so well, it is fantastic.”
I threw a few of our well-used favourites back at you,
“I think we were fated to meet.”
“I’ve never clicked with anybody the way I have with you.”
“I know it is only the second time we have spent together but I feel a connection with you.”
I may as well have stood on the restaurant table and waved a huge red flag in front of you with klaxons blaring in the background. You did not notice. Was that negligent of you? Ought you, as a self-professed intelligent and independent person, to have seen these warning signs and acted on them? Perhaps you did and decided that the risk was worth taking. If that was the case, I know that there are people who would regard you as consenting to our entanglement with some degree of knowledge that something was not quite right but you were happy to waive this concern, it was too tempting to miss out on someone like me. Was that how it flashed through your mind?
The dates came and went and my tendrils wrapped around you. I stayed over in your house on the second date. You yielded readily to my overtures and we engaged in frenetic, athletic love-making which enabled me to play one of my aces. It was following one such energetic coupling that you held me and with sincerity shining from your eyes whispered that you felt you were falling in love with me. I smiled and nodded because after all, love comes quickly with our type and I was positively delighted that you had given this indication even before I had opportunity to play that particular card. Did you replay that conversation and all the other beautiful ones we had that evening of love-making? Of course you did. You always do because the recall of such scintillating times causes a soaring sensation in your chest. Did you evaluate what this meant? Did you consider it against other relationships in order to benchmark your feelings? Some might suggest that the cautious and sensible would do so and apply some slowing touches and undertake some verification of everything that you were being told, but you did not. Was that slipshod of you? You were given the signs. You were handed the warnings. They were plain enough to see. Many of them were conventional in nature. I only hid them in plain sight, as I always do. Perhaps you are at fault for not paying heed to them? Then again how could you be expected to resist me? I have done this so many times and you (surprisingly) have not been seduced by my kind behaviour. I bet you have said the label attached to my type less than half a dozen times. How could you be expected to put up any resistance when you are being flattered and wooed in such a convincing manner? Why would you stop someone from being so pleasant? Who would? Maybe it is an entirely unfeeling and harsh judge who expected you to know better and remain vigilant?
You let me in. You opened the door and left it open whilst providing me with a key to it and the back door too. You allowed me to permeate every element of your life from your bed to your buddies. Should you have listened to that one friend who cautioned you against moving so quickly? She was just bitter wasn’t she? After all, that is what we told you and why on earth would you have any reason to disagree with us? Your family all felt I was wonderful, even your sister who in the past has been notoriously difficult to please (actually she isn’t, you just need to know what to say but that’s a different story) so you could be forgiven for deeming their reactions as an accurate weather gauge of who I was. How could you have known what was coming? You are no clairvoyant and who would not have taken advantage of being chosen by such a wonderful, charming, magnetic and loving person as I? All my friends spoke highly of me. Did you not pick up on how rehearsed they often sounded when lauding my attributes? No, never mind, it was too much to expect you to do so wasn’t it.
On went our relationship, two entwined lovers, the world at our feet, happiness all around us, a beautiful and enchanting romance. Who would not want such a thing? You have to have an open heart haven’t you otherwise you can never be happy? You have to trust don’t you otherwise you will never find anybody? You have to bare your chest and lift your throat to the world. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and so on. Anybody else would have done the same, surely? Are you to be judged by the universal standard and forgiven for not seeing a predator making his way towards you, snaking his tendrils about you and sinking those sugar-coated fangs into your naïve neck? Or ought you have noticed but became too caught up in your fantasy of perfect love that you blinded yourself. Does that make you culpable? Then again, did you see the signs but actually ignored them, content to brush them to one side because your heart told you this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with me.
Were you a victim?
Or did you volunteer?
37 thoughts on “Victim or Volunteer – Part One”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Felt unease and disgut the first time I laid eyes on him. He was animalistic and claimed all the space in a room. Was not even close to my type. Kept my distance for three months. He morphed slowly into a shy but jolly giant full of kindness whenever we had to work together. Fell for him because of my romanesque thinking, imagined that he was a kind of D.H. Lawrence’s hunter. My bad !
Hmmm…I volunteered, that’s for sure. I believed in “your kind” until those first signs of repeated egocentric behavior, your running away from being accountable for your faults or becoming mean towards me without a rational reason, trying to manipulate me into doing as you want just in order to feel “the power” derived from your puppet mastering and I spot them, maybe because of my own father being a narcissist or maybe because I have those same traits kept under control, I don’t want anyone (good) hurt, I’m not scrupulous in contact with narcissistic people, I cut them out, not before I wound them so they remember that there is “my kind” also, empatic (maybe or maybe not) but certainly not stupid (IQ same or over “yours”). After more than one “experience” with “your kind” (men and women), I found women’s fuel derived from envy and destroying one that I shall stronger defend against. I won because now I know just what I need to put you through in order to get the answers I want before being caught in a relationship/friendship with “you”. I spotted your weakness, you can act, but only for “that long” without other fuel source, my strategy is “attacking” your “act” repeatedly in a short period and that way you’ll sooner show (one way or the other) your true colors! You act and mirror us better when you feel in control (admired, listened to) and are sure you fooled us. 😉 I gave one of yours time and space to play in order to understand his game. Was I “in love”? Maybe or maybe not, with your kind it is not love, it is infatuation, that’s why one can’t give up on you when she sees those first signs… My kind of love is a rational (cold) one (a way of adapting after what I’ve been through in my childhood) : I give only what I receive, I am a mirror myself, only choosing not to hurt innocent ones. I call it “the best of both worlds”. When they “hoover” I watch it as a compliment (fuel…maybe?), but if I am over them, they’re as good as dead. In my “history” I only went back once-for someone (narc, as I later found out), after years of no contact-not self imposed, it just happened that way- I was the one leaving him the first time we met and I was exposed-weaker because other events in my life. I’ve learned what love is and it’s something built in many years with the “respect” foundation. I only have in my ex’s list one good man whom I care for because he deserve (and managed to show me this in more than a ten years friendship) and we only talk like good friends, I learn from his experiences and he is learning from my perspective, this way we help each other growth. We all can become narcissists, it is the easiest way to confront the evil ones in this world, but only the weakest ones become “the evil” i.m.o. We were not asked to be stupid (and take BS), we were only asked not to be evil. I need no validation if you won’t find useful posting my comm, I only wanted you to read it. I completely gave up the freaking control need (which used to rule me), “when I let go of who I am I become what I might be.”(Lao Tzu) I forgave my father (it is still each of us with his own life and business), I think you should try it with your mother. I’ve also been through hell but I kept waking away from it… You are very intelligent indeed (all greaters are, I met some brilliant narc, those over 40 are also experienced) but you don’t know IT all, no one does and this way you only perfect the narc school in your brain. “Your kind” never lies, your kind always tells “half of true”, so we get to choose depending on our own level of understanding. A double edged sword. If it works…so be it, if not, we (almost “normal” ones) are free to leave. You want us fooled more than you want a less intelligent or emotional woman in your bed, because better the target, more fuel (“I fooled a very good one, beauty, class&brain”). 🙂 That’s why knowledge is power and helps us choose what suits us. Only after this happens…we may engage “heart”. Feeling is not giving up all the power, IF and when your brain is in the right place. Balance is “the secret”, not easy to achieve…
I just spent the last week end of my victim life with the Narc. After 5 years of scheming, triangulation, psychological abuse and terror, I finally faced up to the truth that he will never be capable of love…and I left him, without even having ever been in a proper relationship with him! HG, I want to ask you a question. How much could I have possibly hurt him? I mean, would it be enough for him to stay away from a good few years? He knows a lot about me, should I need to expect a hate campaign against me?
This is how it went: after 1 year of separation (7 months of No contact, 6 months of friendship) warranted by absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part, we ended up having sex again last July. He told me he loved me, I said I thought he was pleasant. For the following 2 months, I allowed him to think I was being hoovered: messages saying I wanted to see him, pretending to give a shit about his family holiday, even sending him a love song after he wrote “I am not good at communicating the beauty of how much I think about you”. Years ago, I would have been over the moon, but when I read that message, I was sad and angry and nearly threw my phone on the floor. After that, it was like he sensed my reaction, because he started devaluing me, so I knew I had to act fast. I started bombarding him with messages, stating that his company and affection meant the world to me. When we finally met, he took me out for lunch, then started triangulating me with some other girl (who was lapping it up, of course), but I kept my cool and my smile. Ended up in bed, felt absolutely nothing (maybe I’ve turned into a Narc as well?). I think he noticed something was wrong because at one point he started screaming “LOOK AT ME”. I did, and I gave him kisses to keep him calm. The next day I was being overly affectionate, so he started becoming nasty, dissing me and distancing himself from me. He sent me to sleep in some other room. I went to his room anyway to tidy up and make his bed. On my way out I told him to remember he was wonderful and amazing. He gave me a hug. Then sent me a message with hearts, thanking me. The next morning, whilst he was driving me to the station on his way to work, I asked him if he remembered when University used to start; he replied it was on the 1st week of October. “So we met exactly 5 years ago”, I stated, and was met by laughter. “5 years of this s***…” I continued. “I don’t know why you sleep with me, I really don’t understand” he replies (+other nasty stuff not worth anyone’s time), “you say it hurts you. Why do you do it?”. “It used to hurt me. Not anymore. I’m completely desensitised to it now” – PANIC and HURT in his gaze as we pull up close to the station. He then reverts back to his evil little smile and gets my suitcase out of the car: “Have a good day” he smirks. I smirk right back: “Have a nice… life.” I nod, and walk away. I’ve blocked him on every social media outlet and will be moving countries soon. I will always love him but I intend to never see him again because he is Satan.
Hello GHS, to answer your question properly, you should organise a consultation.
we voluntarily become a victim, and by then, it is too late
It’s never too late. Never..
Diva
You displayed one of the Obligations of an Empath to a T: 1. You feel responsible for us
https://narcsite.com/2017/09/17/the-ten-obligations-of-the-empath-7/
Now, follow my lead, Diva. Point your finger towards the narc (metaphorically) and say, or think, “It was he who seduced me! I am the innocent empath.” Repeat it several times.
As far as I am concerned I was targeted, ergo, I am blameless. This was a nice example of a one-eighty perspective-flip between two empaths. Thanks for the lesson, Diva! K
I don’t recall putting up any resistance, kicking or screaming, or being dragged into that lair…….I was a willing volunteer……..if I am completely honest I think I assisted in dragging him into it. There’s another empath trait……I am still blaming myself!!!!!! However I have to acknowledge that none of it would have happened without my co-operation……..Diva
Diva
My MMRN slipped me a Micky Finn and seduced me. K
P.S. I am using my narc trait to blame shift.
I was both at some point. I really wanted to be with someone (him)
and I fell under the spell. Gradually there were incidents of violent behaviour from him- e.g. plate smashing in early day, I recognised this wasn’t normal but I was a volunteer because I chose to stay at that time. Then it got worse and I knew it would be foolish of me to return after the last discard when his violent behaviour was the the worst yet. I learnt that I had been a victim of an abusive relationship.
If I may turn the question around- What are we in the mind of the narcissist?
Do they think we are with them because we are out to get them?
If not, what does the (unaware) narcissist think we are doing in wanting to be with them?
Do they think we have the same agenda,i.e. to seek our ‘Fuel’ from them?
Is that why they often see themselves as the victim, in which case are we the predator, in their mind?
Or do they recognise that we are different from them?
1. It depends on whether you are painted black or white, but either way you are an appliance.
2. We think you are with us because who would not want to be with someone like us. We think you are with us because you should be with us, it is your duty.
3. No.
4. We see you as traitors when painted black.
5. We know you are different – how that difference manifests depends on how we see you at the relevant part of the dynamic.
HG I have a question please: he told me he loved me but I cannot understand why I quickly replied don’t ever say that again. Can you enlighten me at all?
I assume this relates to a new individual. If so, you have built your logic defence to a position whereby it governs your thinking so that when you heard “I love you” you recognised this as a red flag because it was said far too soon to be genuine and therefore your logic defence caused you to tell him not to say it again. This is you asserting a boundary, control and also disarming one avenue of seduction available to this new individual.
My belief is a voluntary victim who are not awake. That’s it.
Volunteer with the mid, victim with the lesser. Although he continues to smear me to his family like he’s a victim.
I ran into his aunt a few weeks back, she said she constantly defends me to their family members that I have never met.
He calls me a cheater, psycho, ungreatful, user, and sex addict.
The mid was harder to get over, but, I knew I had to exact revenge on him for the treatment of his predecessors and safety of youth. The solo dance continues.
Growing up, we had a beautiful tree in the backyard. It’s leaves were more dense, held their color, and remained long into fall. The night of the storm the wind passed through other trees, but the tree with dense foliage absorbed and resisted. The trunk eventually gave way and snapped. What made the tree beautiful also made it vulnerable. Was the tree a victim of the storm or a victim of it’s own leaves? Did he betray me or did I betray myself… knowingly, stubbornly, resisting the storm.
beautiful analogy, Just Me…
Yeah. Within the first couple weeks when I first started dating a girl, her mother said to me that since we started dating her daughter had changed into a nicer person. A little seducing to hear that. Makes you feel accepted and worthy. I got seduced in different ways. Looking back at situations, the daughter modeled her mother in some of her seduction. Very astute student, I think she wanted her mothers life. The daughter is an only child, spoiled to the hilt, told how very special she is ( which is actually documented full page in a year book with a picture). Thought we had lots in common. I was too ignorant/blinded to see the red flags then.
It’s interesting isn’t it, how flattering the parent of the narc can be? They know, they just want their son or daughter to be looked after. Before you know it you have been manipulated into doing the job by everyone else. I am strictly speaking having an affair but I get the sense his Mum is just so desperate for me to put a roof over the parasite scumbags head when things go belly up, Well he can live at his mums instead.
Mrs Linton
Exactly, the parents screw up the child so badly, then try to foist him or her off onto someone else. No way Jose. He can live with mummy and SHE can take care of the adult-child-little-narcy-boy.
K that is hilarious Adult-child-Narcy-Boy HG that deserves one of your famous themed pieces just on its own….
You made my night Mrs Linton,Thank you! ha ha ha….
A voluntary victim that was painfully victimised in my case perhaps. There were some indications concerning his true nature early on and I should have heeded them. He wooed me of course, he courted me, there were the fancy restaurants and the getaways to exotic places, the all too sudden and all too overly romantic declarations of love. None of these actually impressed me much in the beginning though, I always was a slow starter in any relationship. But there were other signs. An abnormal sense of entitlement, some kind of brilliant boldness, an inability to relate in a healthy manner to criticism, a possessive jealousy, a few drinks too many at times. It was all there in plain sight. Along with what I mistook to be the sweetness, the passion and the vulnerability of newfound love.
But I did take notice; I remember thinking that I could control it. And then I lost all control willingly and fell in love anyway. He was himself a victim of an abusive father, me of my mother. Only he grew up to be the predator, me the victim.
So yes, I saw him coming in a way. We made a perfect fit of course, there were all the dynamics of an abusive relationship and we danced our destructive dance for years, him exerting power, crossing all boundaries, leaving me lost, wounded, exhausted. But I did leave. I did escape and I’m now in the process of healing, looking deep into myself and owning the responsibility I do have for becoming involved with him and contributing to the complete wreckage that was us.
Cathrine
That was very raw and honest. Especially the part where you acknowledge that you did notice but thought you could control it, as that appears to be the mindset of many. Accepting your role in it, while painful, will help to prevent you from being entangled again and I wish you the very best.
Thank you NarcAngel for your wise words and your encouragement.
Yes, I think to be free I need to address those issues deep within that made me make that choice to become entangled in this kind of hurtful relationship. Because I did make the choice. At some level unconsciously, but still somehow knowingly. He couldn’t hide his true nature completely, and I who have a history with a narcissistic parent should have known straightaway. Of course he came across as familiar, a soulmate of sorts, representing the kind of twisted love I’ve known from my childhood and I guess some part of me found that irresistible. A new opportunity to relive my childhood miseries I guess, this time trying to stay on top.
But my choice was not only to actually become entangled with him. I also stayed for years. That’s also a choice I’m responsible for making. I could have walked away despite the horrendous traumatic bond, I chose not to. I let it go on and on even though I know that the first and foremost responsibility I do have is to myself and to my own happiness. Finally I managed to leave, consciously deciding that I do deserve that happiness. We all do. Always.
i am so ready to never give you another thought. you or any other narc. you bore me, with the stupid games. you are extremely limited and live in a fantasy. You are a cheap boring substitute for the real thing. The real thing is truly lovely, and exciting. You will never know that. Goodbye, hg, and gs, cs, au revoir, thanks for nothing….
Unfortunately, volunteer…….until I found you, HG. I always knew it wasn’t normal but I didn’t know they were terminal. I do now.
And that is why you are seizing the power.
Once upon a time…
I was very naive, but not anymore. Now I am careful. I even removed myself from online, and social media, for the most part. And, I moved my residency because I decided I wanted to live elsewhere due to new opportunities, but this action also came with the plus of getting away from the Somatic Narcissist who kept hoovering me (even though he’s now married).
I have learned a lot, and how not to be a target, ever again. I don’t want anyone else to wrap their tendrils around me, except for the one person whom I dream about. But, that’s only because I know in my heart that we were meant to be together forever. This is just the way it is supposed to be.
The End
I take it back.
Victim.
I voluntarily walked into the lions lair each time knowing what they are (not the way HG has described, but just knowing they are liars, dishonest, unfaithful, not good for me etc).
No way could a mid ranger be arsed to seduce like this. This was implemented like the soviet assault on Berlin…
“Could be arsed” entertaining turn of phrase there Mrs L.
I am so sick of lazy mid rangers who forget my birthday (again) At least get your hand out of your trousers and buy me a filthy second hand nail file. ….
I did not need to throw caution to the wind I felt no caution from the first time we spoke it was electrifying magnetizing the first time u took my hand and ran your fingers along it rather than holding it I felt electric shocks running through my body the first time u told me you loved me I said it back immediately I had already been feeling it for months you were the man I had waited for for those long years I spent celibate for the first time in my life I was ever celibate I never told anyone I was studying Islam and here you were the Muslim man I had been praying for there was no question u told me I was your destiny and I agreed didn’t matter that people called me a terrorist and you a terrorist I defended you even when I lost friend after friend and was smeared repeatedly on Facebook I still woke to your daily posts on my page and responded the same I love this man don’t care what anyone says suddenly the woman who bragged about how her boyfriends were lucky if I made them a slice of toast was willing to stay home cover herself and cook all day when u held my hand and led me threw the crowded streets of your country I felt safe safer than I ever had in my life your family welcomed me with open arms your friends told me daily how much you loved me I was able to nap during the day something I’d never be able to do just being next to you and enjoying the hours long massages you gave me every night the foot rubs you gave me while sitting on the beach staring at the Mediterranean Sea the strange food the showers that were nothing more than buckets of ice cold water the toilet which was nothing more than a hole in the ground none of it mattered I had found the man of my dreams the husband I always wanted this was where I was meant to be this was home a week after I did return home I was in the hospital having emergency surgery almost dying the new home I had found the home I never wanted to leave almost killed me
Great article HG!
But…
Where is thé new book?!
😘