But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
69 thoughts on “But Why Did the Narcissist Do That?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG,I’m am a former IPPS and discarded the Narc because I found out that during our 9 year relationship, he was sleeping with his 14 year IPSS and got her pregnant. Now he’s with her. She goes out of her way to post pictures of them claiming to be happy knowing that I am out of the picture.Is the IPSS now promoted to IPPS? Does the IPSS ever receive discard or devaluation if there is always a pattern of them being shelved?
It sounds like she is now the IPPS.
The IPSS can be devalued (Corrective or Disengagement) and can be disengaged from.
Makes sense! Thank you very much!
Insatiable Learner — It’s very clear where you stand. Your ground.
Hi TZ, to be honest, at this point, I am taking one day at a time, which is the best I can do right now. The addiction is still very strong. Very best to you!
Thanks so much for clarifying, HG! I do not believe I had a corrective devaluation. There was no prescriptive warning as to what I should or should not do. Based on my privat consult with you, I was/ am a shelf DLS. Since the narc got himself a new IPPS and I learned about her, whenever there was any interaction, he would treat me as a friend (no flirting, sexting, etc. we used to do). So what am I to him currently? Thank you!
Shelf DLS. He throws you comfort crumbs.
Thanks so much for your quick response, HG! It’s very confusing and frustrating when it is not clear where you stand and what to expect. It is like some kind of limbo or purgatory as you described elsewhere. Confusion, ambiguity, uncertainty, and frustration rule! Thanks again!
Sorry for the quick follow-up, HG! Does the fact that he supposedly told his new IPPS that i was a friend change anything in terms of my status? Thanks a million!
No. He is obviously going to say that to the new IPPS.
I have a question…….Why are some of the commenters still friends with narcs? I don’t understand why someone would want to be a friend to a narcissist? They have nothing to offer inregard to a friendship. That is absolutely crazy!
And knowing that they are a narcissists is beyond me. There is a reason why the primary or secondary continue to desire a friendship with the narcissists because it provides them fuel, and a sence of power and control.
Hello Peppi, it is important to distinguish between someone who is a friend with a narcissist (and only ever has been) and those who had an intimate relationship with a narcissist and are now friends. In the former, there is usually an elongated golden period. I have numerous friends who are extremely loyal to me and have never suffered devaluation. This dynamic is less dangerous but it remains the case that there always remains a risk because one of the parties in the dynamic is a narcissist.
The latter is of greater risk because the level of addiction is greater, there will have been devaluation and there remains a risk of being hoovered back into an intimate relationship once again with all that that entails as part of the narcissistic dynamic. Furthermore, a victim who wishes to remain friends with a narcissist after experiencing the devaluing behaviour doled out to the former IPPS means that they remain addicted, their emotional thinking is conning them and they remain at considerable risk.
And sometimes there are other factors like children, grandchildren and other shared family that make being friends preferable. Smooths things for all concerned and can be devoid of most emotional thinking.
Indeed. If you know what the person is and your interaction is intermittent (which it usually is with a NISS who has never been an intimate appliance) you can manage a reasonable relationship with a narcissit in that dynamic.
True. But it is even possible if you were formally intimate, although probably much more difficult. I am friends with my exhusband and we were married for 30 years. I dont know of anyone else who is, though. Most people think we’re nuts. Maybe we are just bizarre. At least that’s what our kids tell me. 😄
So if you were an unsuspecting NISS supporting your (from many years ago) ex-boyfriend – figured out what he was and escaped (as devaluing began) – there is no way to change his mindset to get him to treat you strictly as an NISS?
This comment was brought to you by a guilt-induced human being. Please keep the laughter to a minimum.
You can bring some influence to bear but you cannot guarantee the outcome. The difficulty you have is that since you once were an IPPS or IPSS, but now a NISS, there is always a risk that he will want to promote you to an intimate status again and if you resist then that will wound him and he will respond with ignited fury.
“Formerly” before you correct me. I’m blaming the phone! 😝
Very glad you’re back, by the way!
Thank you WS2.
Hi HG, I wanted to respectfully clarify the following: “The latter is of greater risk because the level of addiction is greater, there will have been devaluation.” I think even in the dynamic where there was an intimate relationship with a narc (non-IPPS as a secondary) and they are now friends, there may not have been any devaluation. Is this not accurate? Thank you!
If you were an IPSS and you are now a NISS, that is a demotion and you will have had a Corrective Devaluation along the way even though there has been no disengagement.
I’d rather just keep burning your toast until you scrap heap me instead of shelving me. Your kitchen is too white and banal for me anymore. Theres a far better kitchen at that new house around the corner……
NarcAngel,
I can relate to what you say here. I wanted my narc to scrap heap me too… but, instead, he played one too many silent treatments, so I went NC on him — after the final ST was so very obviously an “in your face.” I couldn’t turn away from the truth then: he wanted to hurt me.
And great visual example with the kitchen. My narc was becoming more white and banal too. It’s because he stopped expressing (even fake) emotions… it should have been obvious all along, but all his game playing masked it for me for awhile. My gut knew something was wrong…but it took my brain awhile to sort it out. I felt sick to my stomach when I figured it out. It still makes me feel queasy!
Caroline
It really can become boring and predictable. You dont know which game is coming but you can guess, because as many here have found-a lot of them operate from the same manual. It will be good for a bit, it will be bad for longer each time, it will be frustrating……but it will never be good or fulfilling. Yawn.
It is said that a good 70 or 80% of your health is managed in the gut. I think that goes for mental health also, so Its wise to pay more attention to our empathic organs-the Gut and the Brain. The Heart is a somatic Narc-a selfish lying muscle that thinks because it runs the show that it should have all that it desires.
Enjoy your new kitchen Caroline. Dont look back.
NarcAngel,
And my real-life kitchen is red, so it was just a matter of time before I woke up.:-)
Caroline
You all are reminding me of the first and only selfie my Moron in Munich sent me. He was standing in his office at work. It scared the holy shit out of me because seeing him (hadn’t seen him for 38 years) he was so obviously not only a narc, but the type of narc I’d never give the time of day to if I met him in person. I went over his entire office minutely to see what I could glean about his character. It was all white and chrome, totally devoid of any signs of humanity. Thinking about it still disturbs me.
Now that I sit here and think about what I just wrote, I bet that’s why he’s been such a puzzle to me trying to understand him. I’ve been expecting him to act like my other narcs that I chose to be friends with. But he is a type of narc that I have always avoided whenever I meet them. That’s why he’s been such an enigma to me!
That’s probably one of the best things about reading/responding to the comments on this blog for me. I’m all the time being surprised by new insights into myself and my life!
Me too, Windstorm2– learning all the time:-)
I’ll add that the core beliefs I observed from the two were: grandiosity masked with humility, encouragement of self-worthlessness to counter the over-arousal of gratification, detesting of attachment, secretly because it offends the parent, false acceptance of the parent’s rejection and commitment to a fruitless path of earning their approval simply because it makes them feel invincible, angry and strong all at once, love of drama, acceptance of own limits even when they were embarrassing (such as infantile limits), false concern with image (even though I believe narcissists do not truly care for image but it is their social vehicle) and rejection of their own wonderful traits (such as intelligence) if they were not useful in drawing attention. I am interested if you agree.
Hi HG,
One thing that I have always wondered about with my parents is some conversations I had with them when I was young, pre-school aged. I would like to know if they are likely to have been manufactured or indeed I had earned some kind of respect for confessions or even revelations.
I will start with the ability to see my father as a sociopath, which terrified me and I felt hatred. Then through being forced to be around him, I would sit with him and feel his responses. I gathered that he could not love, his mother had terrified him beyond belief but that he adored her, he was being mistreated by my mother and I felt that he was so terrified of abandonment he was ashamed of being unable to leave, and so the detachment from himself. It was “all bad”, so to speak, and hence his worldview. As I was sitting with him, my mother was giving one of her psychological tests as part of her regime and I felt all of his sensations as he was trying to guide me. I felt him tense up, I felt him relax, and he seemed to be guiding me. With his help, I was able to give her the answer she wanted to keep me safe. I then looked up at him and with my eyes said “why do you put yourself through it?” and his eyes said “because I can’t do any better”.
I felt enormous sadness and anger on his part.. Our conversations later turned to his mother and he was able to see what she was, but the sensation of self respect for him was alien. He knew false games and bravado but not real self respect for surviving what she had been through. I tried to help him go through sensations, and he was very arrested on his love for her. This seemed to make him feel that if he loved his mother, she must be good and he must be a bad boy. He had no ability to see that the two could be true and that she was just a sick woman. It turned out that as he started to feel, the sensations were so strong for him that it was like he was getting everything at once with no filter. The power and overwhelming stimulation was too much – he had no ANCHOR – that is when I noticed he retreated back to narcissism and sociopathy as acting took away that helplessness, that again reminded him of being prey.
It was later during one of these overwhelming moments he was asking me to be a girlfriend. i thought, he has had nobody his whole life, he doesn’t know what to do with someone he can finally trust. He was very ashamed after that, I forgave him and thought “this is why people do bad things – they have cut off all good feeling and being human. Then they feel out of control”
During this time, my mother could read the emotional palette and offer her cognitive empathic commentary but not feel what it all meant. All she seems to see was that I was hurting myself for him. And she was then sad as to the reason she would never understand what this must feel like. She looked at me, frustrated, infuriated, intrigued, sad, and finally she did seem to see and respect I was different to her and it wasn’t my fault she felt threatened by that. I didn’t see it as hurting myself but I had the ability to help my father and so I did it without hesitation. My mother was able to focus on herself only, and I found it interesting that she too had the same grief with her parents. Exactly the same response to my father, but she couldn’t feel HIM. I found that incredible.
During your blogs now I wonder whether this was all a game. Whether they wanted to play with me to manipulate me again and make me feel a certain way.
I did notice that, if it is worthwhile, that going through something awful with my father that he felt so bad about, forgiving him and being there every day, seemed to be a very strong bond that lasted a long time and earned me respect. He did however, seem to rebel against that bond and I learned that his wiring with his mother was so damn rigid there was no way he could treat me as I should be treated. He loved her SOOOOOOOOOO much, and that is why he could sustain the detachment and abuse.
Hi HG. Just wondering about the ‘I love you’ lie.
Perhaps Im still struggling with this on a certain level. So they say it KNOWING they are lying? And even their children mean nothing to them, as far as ‘love’ goes? I know a Borderline who says “I love my children blah blah blah” but I see her as having trophys for children. (it makes me so angry!) So the question is…all ‘love’ is an outward lie? Thanks heaps.
Oh, and I am not questioning anything about the tHiNg or the Con Man, (there was no love there I feel quite sure), just narcs and Borderlines in general. Ty.
Greaters know we are lying, Lesser and Mid-Rangers believe their lies, as they are their truths.
Ah ha! Yes, thank you.
I think what burns us is the whole “they never loved you” part.
To hear and see that written is hard. The I love yous were a lie. They never loved you.
Maybe I’m wrong with this next statement but here goes – they don’t love anything or anyone; they simply tolerate and/or enjoy people because of how it makes them feel better about themselves or their existence.
It’s not a failure on our part. It isn’t that we weren’t lovable. It isn’t that we didn’t earn the right to have their true love and loyalty.
They “loved” how we made them feel, or helped them see themselves or identify themselves within the world for a time. When we were doing this to their satisfaction all is well, and we empaths see the harmony and accept the love statements to be real. We aren’t stupid to believe this.
KQ
Your synopsis sounds accurate to me. I think you summed it up very well.
Thanks Windstorm2.
Sometimes it just clicks for me, it makes sense (what I’ve gone through) and I can be rational and cut out the emotional thinking.
I should paste this somewhere I can refer to easily for those times the “what ifs” return.
KQ- Yes!!! This is exactly how I feel with my narc. I truly thought he loved me. I believed everything he said and did because there was no reason not to. He has done an excellent job building up his façade. He loved the way I made him feel until I called him out on something callous he did. Not knowing he was a narc at that time, I had no idea it would cause my delvaution/being shelved. Or maybe he had already taken offense to something else and decided to shelve me which is why he was callous that first time. No matter, I’m worth more than being at his disposal to use to make himself feel better about himself. I only want and have time for real and true people in my life.
HG… what connection can you make sense of, a Narc that literally hoards piles of used appliances…. its like a metaphor of whats actual occurring internally perhaps? I did indeed feel like I was “on the shelf”, so to speak, many years ago…. before you made sense of things…. any thoughts on this type of Narc?
Control.
I’m sorry but there is no other way for me to put it but narcissists are ill, delusional, borderline crazy and disordered. The explanations throughout this article prove that. I say this in a matter of fact sense and not to attack anyone.
Welp, as the saying goes, ‘you can bring the horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’. Until, when and if, narcissists decide to live in the REAL reality with the rest of us and stop lying to themselves that they are so above us in every way (ironic because they do depend on us), then they are doomed to continue to feel a void. Yes they are computers/machines devoid of emotion, but I’m sure there will come a day when they want the voices to stop.
Not crazy, although the behaviour looks that way to you. Not ill either. Delusional – in some instances yes. Disordered, yes, but again from the different perspective.
You can also bring a horticulture but you cannot make her think!
Ugh… sleep rape… been there… How disgusting and violating.
HG, what does the Narc get out of that? It’s somnophilia.
Peaceful.
Thought Fuel, control, something to use against the victim at a later stage by way of provocation.
!!!!!!!!! HG!!!!!
You UNDERSTAND!!!!!!
I am so proud of you.
So, you are saying that you “need” our positive emotional energy so strongly, that a lapse frustrated you. As a result of your impatience, you are, in your own way, demanding us to keep producing (supply.)
Am I understanding you acurately?
Love
Pam
Would you be willing to share with my narc that I miss him so?
Hmmm… pam bergner…
Its a bitter pill to swallow but it must be swallowed. The one good thing I did get our of being with a narcissist is that its OK for me to be selfish sometimes. Its good for me to put myself first sometimes. Its good to not care if people don’t like me.its good to not worry constantly if I’ve offended someone. A big one for me is I don’t have to answer text messages if I don’t feel like. The world will go on.Opened up a whole new world for me I never knew existed. I spent my whole life feeling responsible for everyone and everything.I’m gradually becoming able to say fuck it not my problem.
Kim
Not feeling responsible for other people’s problems is not selfish. Not immediately answering texts, calls, etc. is not selfish. It is not selfish to let other people be responsible for themselves. Those are fallacies we were taught as children if we were raised by narcs. When we get into relationships with narcs as adults, they latch onto these fallacies and perpetuate them for their own benefit, but they were never true. Doing things to protect and care for yourself is not selfish.
Your right wow eye opener
You are blaming the empath for not giving you the fuel you require, yet in another article you said the devaluation happens regardless. That “New Car” feel has worn off… so why bring up increasing longevity? To answer your question, No!
Because nothing can be out fault, it has to be yours.
Oooooh, how very convenient.
And… so very wrong.
Did I trigger you, HG?
No. I do not get triggered.
HG,
Hmmm…I sent you some questions when I first came on the site. They were held in “awaiting moderation” for a long time… then disappeared. Then I just mentioned you in passing in one post, and it is “awaiting moderation” and being held up for a lengthy time as well. I tried to tack in a reply to it to ask — and instead, I ended up giving myself an upvote, twice. 🙁
Am I having tech issues… or is this an object lesson?? I’ve been messed with by a narc for 6 months…I see dead people, er, I mean patterns. Lol. But on the upside, I learned some things about my own patterns during this, which was very interesting…even if this is a tech glitch.
Hello Caroline, comments can be held in moderation for some time. There is only me who moderates the blog and I like to read everything. Longer posts and/or posts with questions often get held up. I suspect you are having some technical issues or you might be in the spam dungeon which sometimes explains why a post disappears.
Ah, ok…Thanks, HG!:-)
Good to know…sort of. I replied to NA one day and that reply is still in moderation also. Makes me feel like she thinks Im being rude. (Sorry NA, Im not)
Also comment about being hoovered has not gone through. Other peoples at the same time did however. I was beinging to think it was something I said. Makes one feel insecure, does it not? Ty.
Lisa
I dont think youre rude. I understand very well how the process works so I never jump to conclusions and am patient. HG is a lot of things and has his hand in a lot of pies (snicker snort snort) but it remains he is one man. There are several articles per day and many commenters per article. He has also demonstrated the ranking (questions requiring answers, length of post, etc). I assure you I have posts in moderation also. He’s the only Narc I’m willing to give a break, because of what he offers us.
Yeah I understand. And thank you.
Lisa
Unless you mean Narc Affair. In which case youre totally a bitch for not talking to me.
IM KIDDING EVERYONE!!
😂
Caroline and Lisa I’ve also had posts remain in moderation for a long time and I’ve had a few that never got posted at all also.
I think its because he’s doing it all by himself and wants to give accurate answers and also the volume of replies he has to read I have one from several weeks ago still in moderation lol I honestly don’t know how he does it
HG so that mean we have kind of like an expiration date for you (narcs) do you get tired of the same fuel over and over ? Well better said coming from the same apliance.
Fuel from the primary source becomes stale and/or is not supplied in the required quantity and/or is not supplied frequently enough. Thus devaluation begins to create a contrast and revitalise the fuel, exert control and seek out a replacement.
When you read between the lines…it is a no win situation for the victim and the narcissist. Most of the time neither realize this.
Devaluation will ALWAYS happen to an IPPS. There are many reasons for this – I will just briefly touch upon two: boredom (fuel and things becoming stale) and contrast…
All things that are new and shiny don’t stay that way forever. Even if someone were to keep up the quantity, intensity, and frequency it just doesn’t matter the person becomes too familiar. The victim ends up being punished because the narcissist, sociopath or psychopath is bored. They blame and punish the victim for them being bored – but that is unavoidable to a certain degree. Just because someone isn’t shiny and new anymore doesn’t mean that they become boring but they certainly become less interesting.
All relationships have contrast. I see how contrast makes things more exciting after a completely smooth period of time. I mean… how can you appreciate the highs if there are no blah or low moments?
Contrast to a certain degree makes sense. Contrast doesn’t necessarily need to be equated with devaluation and then searching for a replacement. Contrast maybe needed to make shit more interesting and so that you feel the effects of the positive fuel more because there was negative fuel.
When you take a step back and look at all this for what it really is it’s a no win situation. This is a self-sabotaging cycle that narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths most of the time cannot see.
I love the analogy of kicking the washing machine to make it work. I am hoping my Narc finds a new washing machine soon. My silent treatment ended a few days ago and he pretty much admitted that it was deliberate. All my fault of course. He is probably looking now and I almost want to help (I wonder how that would go down) Am hoping that he will not hoover me, and that whoever she ends up being, she reads this blog.
No! The model is fine. It’s the user that is flawed.
It is so much better once we understand that you all do not, have never and can not love us. Like you said, we need to understand so we can make sense out of it. Then we can adjust our behavior accordingly. Im so glad I’m past that point with all my narcissists.