A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 16
Hello mother,
Where do I start but to say we’ve missed out on so much together. We could’ve and should’ve had so much more between us as mother and daughter. I look around and see so many beautiful relationships that could’ve been ours. I’ve spent years crying over the mother I wanted to have.
I yearned to have someone that I could relate to and share my innermost feelings without fear of judgement. Instead you made me feel I had no right to those feelings and I was wrong to feel them. I was always flawed in your eyes and never entitled to be me.
I wanted so badly a mother that would embrace me fully the way I was and build me up instead of tearing me down. I grew up doubting myself and still do to this day. I never felt good enough in your eyes and still struggle with this in the eyes of others.
I believed everything you told me and this formed my view of other people and the world around me but it was your world through the eyes of a narcissist.
Yes, narcissist. I’ve never told you that you are a narcissist have I? I’ve learned so much over the last few years and you have a disorder called narcissism.
Before you start denying it and shutting me down please hear me out. You had a traumatic childhood of emotional and physical abuse with grandmother a raging alcoholic and again a narcissist. You were tossed around from relative to relative and then a convent. Somewhere through that abuse you shut down and with that was your empathy and emotional development. You formed a survival mechanism and part of that was the need to control and bury away the real you.
Yes I know not you, no, its me reading too much into the situation but I know what you are now and no amount of gaslighting can ever fog this new found knowledge I’ve obtained. I’ve learned how you’ve triangulated my brother and I to achieve your control over us but that backfired.
You see now you also will never have the experience of seeing a relationship the way you dreamed it would be. That being the relationship between your grandchildren.
Before you start getting angry know this was not done to hurt you but rather protect my children and myself from further abuse on your part. I now know you can’t help the way you are it’s a part of who you’ve become.
This disorder you have has stolen so much from you and I. We will never be able to be a proper family ever again. No family dinners where we laugh and share our lives. No Christmas holidays around the tree unwrapping gifts together. No trust where we can open up to each other during times of need. No spending time together you and I shopping or just even going for a coffee together. We were robbed of so much because of narcissism. One word but so much damage.
I’ve mourned the loss of the mother I so very wanted through the years but in the process i’m gaining a love for myself. You didn’t want me to know i didn’t need your approval or validation but through understanding narcissism I realise it’s not about me and my shortcomings but its about your personality disorder, narcissism.
I want you to know I love you and have forgiven you but you will no longer control the way I feel about myself. The abuse stops here. Oh you can continue on as you always have but i won’t allow you to affect me as you have all these years.
Mother you have a personality disorder called narcissism and this is why we will never be what we should’ve been to each other but I will make sure i’m that parent to my children.
52 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 16”
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Wow thanks you so much you hit this letter on the dot for me I’m sorry you went through this also it’s awful but hey on the bright side it feels good to be let free.!!! God bless .!
Oh My God exactly my case. Still trying to overcome that but I read somewhere therapy can help just don’t know how to get a therapist. I really love my mother and over 10years now I waited for her to change but No. there is no hope for people like that to change it’s damaging my psychology and I have kids of own now. I want to keep them safe I give them what I never get a chance to get from my mother but I’m scare if I don’t get my mental battle in place I might end up like her to my kids. Thank you for this letter, it really hit home
Thank you to whoever this letter belongs. You said so much that I needed to say to my own parents. They are both gone now, but I can still say it.
I truly appreciate your openness in expressing this letter to your mom. I am also deeply wounded emotionally by my mother and father who are both narcissists and divorced when I was 13 years old. The heartbroken despair of our relationship was blamed on me.
Regardless of all my failed attempts to be a good daughter, it was never enough. Recently at 51 years old, I recognized this entire time I had been “gaslighted”..this trauma has progressed to mental illness(PTSD). After reading your letter, I have more courage to say what needs to be addressed…we deserve a beautiful life and beautiful relationships….but need to get rid of the stagnant toxic ones first!
Sending light and love to you…
Chantal
Her story is very similar to mine. This past month have I just figured out the reason for virtually all my problems. I’m 62 now, Mom died in 2000 and the pieces are finally making sense. Then I married in 1998 to a narcissist because I didn’t know what to beware of. I have had no one safe to talk to for almost 30 yrs, except when I paid for counseling, since relationships have been so troubling.
Lisa
Lisa Bobo
You now have many people to speak to in a safe environment, so let it out.
Dear Daughter,
I completely understand why you yearn for family, connection, trust and love, because I, too, yearned for them just like you. And we were both denied that right because of one word: narcissism. Your words below mirror my sentiments exactly, however, I would direct them towards my MMRN.
We will never be able to be a proper family ever again. No family dinners where we laugh and share our lives. No Christmas holidays around the tree unwrapping gifts together. No trust where we can open up to each other during times of need. No spending time together you and I shopping or just even going for a coffee together. We were robbed of so much because of narcissism. One word but so much damage.
Our loss is profound and the ghost, of what could have been, is echoed in your words. I am your sister in sorrow and I share your grief. Thank you.
My letter was a bit misleading bc ive not gone no contact with my mother. What i meant about her grandchildren was my children and my brothers daughter dont have any relationship. This was bc of the dynamic between him my mother and i which has been too toxic to be around. Its my brother i went no contact with. I do limit the time my children and i are around my mother. This past weekend i sat down with them to explain why she treats my son differently than my daughter and why we dont see my brother and his family. I didnt go into long detail but explained that it was toxic and that their grandma loves them but shes always been this way. One day ill explain narcissism to them but at 12 yrs im not sure theyll fully understand. Its not something i wanted to tell them but the fact shes starting to do it between our children i have to protect them.
Ty for everyones input and kind words and ty HG for posting my letter. It helped writing this bc afterwards i was able to reflect more on what id written. I think putting thoughts in written form really solidifies it and opens it up more. Writing can be very healing and this blog is a testament to that! 💓
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Such a heartfelt and poignant letter.
My maternal grandmother robbed my mother and aunt of a true childhood.
My mother married a kind and loving man. My father.
My aunt suffered constantly at the hands of narcissists.
Both are empaths.
Both maintained a relationship with my grandmother.
Both know now why she behaved as she did.
Both, have forgiven her.
I wish you healing. Your letter aids in that process.
This letter is almost the same as I could write to my mother. She would just deny, deny, deny however. Turn into the victim. She’s good at that.
Great letter though. Loved it. Very well explained with the feelings from the daughter.
That story could have been written by myself with a few minor adjustments. My Mother has successfully divided 5 children. She has also tried to cause trouble between the granchildren, their parents and spouses. Most of them do not live anywhere near her anymore. My daughter did live near her. I didn’t have the knowledge when I was raising her to keep her away from my Mother. She temporarily caused division between my daughter and I. But now that my daughter is 30 years old she is beginning to see that something is abnormal with her Grandmother. She loves me and can see that I love and care for her and that is something my Mother is not capable of. Its not like she wants to have malignant narcissism, in fact she has never admitted to any wrong doing”EVER” she is not capable of self reflection or seeing her part in anything EVER. She does all the typical things that narcisissts do with the added sadistic emotional vampirisim, which puts her in the category of a malignant narcissist. This is an extreme form of narcissism sharing traits with psychopaths. Its no wonder I felt so wounded all of my life. Im finally getting treatment for PTSD, EMDR, Reiki, hypnotherapy and more.Its been like peeling an onion layer, after layer of damage thanks to her. I really have to wonder why someone like that would even want children, other than to provide FUEL.
It is sad, the loss of mother daughter bonding. Im 59 and did not find out what narcissit was until 5 years ago when i married my secound narcissists . Thats when i found the answer to what was wrong with my mother. I have little contact now. At family gatherings, we know she’s going to find a way to make it about her or ruin it. Every one moves away from her. Its sad, but for our sanity its what we have to do.
This describes my relationship with my mother to a tee I can definitely relate
Such a powerful letter that really hit home with me. I also had a grandmother who was a raging narcissist and a mother who became a somewhat lighter version of her. I missed out on so much, and most of all learning what healthy love actually is. Thanks for your honest and heartfelt letter.
You are far kinder than I would ever be to my mother. She is my chief abuser and my compassion is gone.
This is the best letter yet. I even read this letter to my sister, HG.
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars…… Og Mandino
When I read your letter, you definitely turned the darkness into light for me……your star burns bright…….Diva
Also child of N here. This letter is heart-breaking to read, but there is one thing that troubles me… and something I think the writer might want to consider embracing in order to heal from such a profound wound. (I certainly had to.) Again and again you blame “narcissism” and, in effect, let your mother off the hook. Your parent made a choice. She chose to handle her pain at your expense. I TOTALLY get that Ns get into a very deeply worn pattern that gets deeper and deeper every time they do it… but that doesn’t change the fact that they make choices. I don’t think we do ourselves or them any favors by pretending it is all beyond their control.
J
I agree.
I totally agree with you, her mother made a choice to meet her own self centered needs at the demise of her children and family.
Oh, this one really pierces the heart!
It’s so peaceful yet so sorrowful…
I hope the author develops with her children the relationship she dreamed of with her mother.
Oh brother. Bet they’ll take any money evil mother leaves behind at her demise. Pot calling the kettle black.
And they would have earned every last penny of it!!!
Demented Lass, (BTW I love the name), RE: your comment, I totally and utterly agree with you. It is my inheritance. I do not have to say thanks to muvver. Yes, I damned well ‘earned’ my inheritance AND invested wisely.
Hi Demented…thank you i have earned it! I used to feel guilty for accepting that money, but now i no longer do. I think it was meant to create guilt in order to get me to comply and be a part of that toxic dynamic of a family. No thank you!! When my mother dies i’m sure i’ll get peanuts or maybe nothing. That’s what narcissist parents do to scapegoat children they flip them the last bird as a final punch to the gut so yes i will take that money and not feel one iota of guilt!! That’s me flipping her the bird!! Lol
Thank you for a trip down memory lane reading my story as it’s rarely posted. It’s nice to go back and read my thoughts from 2017. I’ve changed a lot since then. I’m not as soft anymore and maybe a tad cynical. I’ve improved a lot, but have a long ways to go.
C, good to read your words ‘flip the bird’ – really polite compared to my version (LOL). Yeah, muvver told me she was donating it all to a charity basically throwing it in my face despite the fact I was paying her to live at home (and more)! Effectively, I had already “paid” for my inheritance in advance in more ways than.
It is encouraging to read your words “It’s nice to go back and read my thoughts from 2017. I’ve changed a lot since then”.
My mother is a narc also, so I really understand your letter. It did make me pause when you talked about all the things you missed out on with your mom. I had never even considered such things as going shopping with my mother or going out for coffee with her – certainly never sharing my feelings with her. Such things were always so beyond the realm of possibility, that it had never occurred to me to miss them.
But I do all those things with my children. My daughter and I used to have “mommy/daughter dates” (her title) where we just went out to dinner or a movie together. I did the same with my sons. I cherish those memories. Now that my daughter’s married and moved away, I routinely make the 12 hour drive to Kansas to visit her. When I moved 50 minutes away, my own mother refused to ever even come see my new home since she, “shouldn’t have to drive that far to see my daughter.” Not that I wanted her up here, Lol! But it did hurt that she didn’t even want to see where I lived or have any interest in my life.
You seem to have made the choice that you would create with your children what you should have had with your mother. I made that same choice and it has been wonderful. Yes, it’s a sad loss what we never had as daughters, but that doesn’t have to keep us from the happiness we can have as mothers and grandmothers. Keep looking forward. We can’t change our past, but our future is in our own hands.
A very moving and beautifully articulated letter. The following line sums it all up. “We were robbed of so much because of narcissism. One word but so much damage”. I understand your grief and longing for a relationship that could have been. The cycle of narcissism often carries on for generations. The blood relative bond is often the hardest to break and can sometimes be the biggest hurdle of all. I take my hat off to you for surviving the hell and destructiveness of your narc mother and having the strength to recognise her for what she is. Kudos to you for breaking the family cycle of narcissism. A standing ovation of thunderous applause to you for going no contact and for protecting both your children and yourself. from her. Be ever on guard and keep those boundaries in place. Because she will try to weasel her way back in at some stage.
Your last line was brilliant. May you be blessed with a wonderful life as you move forward as a narc wise parent. Your will continue to heal. I know you will enrich you and your children’s life with love and wisdom. One thing you learn from a Narc parent is what not to do as a parent yourself. You deserve the best. Treasure the joy that each day brings being Narc free.
If you take the trouble to read further back in the thread you will find that the OP did NOT go no contact with her mother. You seem to be one of those individuals who cut off a parent without trying to work things out between you……..So Kudos to the writer of this letter for NOT going no contact with her mother and working on understanding.
No.
You do not try and work out an understanding with a narcissist. You go no contact.
You cannot reach an understanding with a narcissist.
Hi HG…youve not gone no contact with your mother.
I do not need to, I am a narcissistic psychopath. She does not affect me in the way we affect you, that is a huge difference. I have minimal involvement.
Wrong, wrong, dangerously wrong, John. Echoing HG, there is no ‘working out’ with an N. No amount of ‘understanding’ can ever bridge that gap. And attempts to do so are very dangerous and attempts to tell people to do so are equally dangerous. You don’t try to work things out or understand a cancer. You cut it out!
Accurate.
Hi john…i never went no contact but very limited contact. Its become less and less over the last few years. It really depends on the dynamics. Some parents are so toxic theres only one option of no contact. Ive been able to really limit my exposure so the kids can know their grandparents but as they get older ive had to teach them about npd and explain why their grandma is the way she is.
Understanding npd has really helped to lessen the emotional impact of her behaviour.
Dear Mr Tudor,
This hit an extremely open wound! I could’ve written this word for word, as she has just described me!
Brought me to absolute tears! To me, the pain never dies! I’m so sad you had to go through this as well!
😥
The irony of this letter is it’s written with such empathy and forgiveness that will fly right over her head. I’ve notice with lessers or midranges they can’t fake empathy or acceptance of disorder; especially when you present it in a calm manner. They start trying to figure out if you are criticizing them or depending on school. Look as if you have lost your mind. This is the first year that I can remember not giving her a birthday card or gift. I feel bad, but it’s hard for me knowing what she is and will always be.
Thank you for sharing, I pray that I can get to where you are.
Continued Healing and Blessings
There was no need to write a letter to her mother. After the first paragraph she would throw it away. Her mother doesn’t care and believes untill the day she dies that she is the perfect mother and the writer and her siblings, and anyone else got what they deserved for crossing her or not meeting her expectations. The mother lives in her perfect world of perfection, because she perceives herself as a woman with no flaus or faults. Any person that fails her test will experience consequences to the highest degree, because she is always right and on task, and is never wrong in her self righteousness, criticism, judgements, and abuse toward others. Her mother would test and manuplate another target to get a response, due to her ideations of feeling powerful and in control, and maintaining her status quo. I imagine her mother went off into a rage. I pity those who associate with her, especially family members and co workers, because her behavior will become vengeful and tyrannical. Her mother will identify herself as a victim, due to her daughter’s confronting letter and will go on a smear compaign to discredit her. Personally, i would have never mailed the letter. It did not serve a purpose and was a big waste of energy for her to take pen to paper. To recognize her mother as a narcissists, dismiss her mother and begin no contact immediately would have made it less stressful for the writer and closure to her relationship with her mother more accessible.
Pepsi boudreau
You sure described how my mother would have thought and reacted if I’d given her such a letter. She’d have used it as evidence to smear me as the crazed ingrate she alway s proclaimed me.
I do think, however, that any of us who grew up with such a mother would instinctively know not to actually give her our thoughts on paper. We’d have been beaten down too many times from having said some of our angst out loud to her to make such a mistake. Writing out the letter would be for our own benefit to work thru our thoughts and gain more clarity – not to actually give to our mothers.
That’s just SO sad, just SO FUCKING SAD!! Why the hell does this disorder have to exist??? H.G. might explain that it gives the world ‘Conqueror’s’, ‘Leaders’, blah blah blah! Just another excuse these disordered people use! Imagine a world without this disorder. Imagine a beautiful world where none of us control each other. None of us want to manipulate or lead or conquer, or ANYTHING! What a beautiful, peaceful, wonderful, amazing world it would be! Damn you and your kind to hell HG! There is no place for you or your kind on this planet. NONE! You are cruel and you know it. There is no place here for you. Go back to where you came from!!!
HG, is right.
It takes a paticular kind of person to run the White House, I do not think a empath would be able to do the job which is why, Benie Sanders did not make the cut, the lesser of two evils ran up against each other, and a upper lesser won.
Another example, do you really think a empath could go to battle, and kill terrorist? Unfortunately, we need these disordered indiviuals around on this earth for many reasons in this nasty world that we live in.
Are narcissist evil, yes. Do I hate all narcissist, no. “Go back where you came from” If you think about it, narcissist were brought up in the same enviorment as you, an abusive one. I know your just hurting right now, but with time you will heal, if you keep interacting with, HG, and read all of his books.
HG Tudors first fan, I disagree with you. How many people had to kill in wars, although they have been empaths ? They had to do it for the protection of their families, they had to do it to protect other people, they had to do it for their friends, they had to do it because they were forced to kill. They are able to do it, if it is necessary. But… they would never choose to do it freely without a reasonable reason. They would do everything to avoid it, if it is possible. That is the difference. They have a conscience and they have respect for human life. Be glad that we do not have full blown narcissistic leaders all over the world, be glad, that many of the leaders only have a few narcissistic treats (which are very useful in that case) and that they still have a conscience and try to avoid wars. They have to be strong, logical and without too much emotion to do this job, they do not have to be narcisstic (selfish).
Here is an interesting fact Mona, there is no doubt that empathic people have had to kill in wars but most do not – at the Battle of Gettysburg it was found that 90% of the rifles had not been fired by the combatants showing that there was a high rate of ‘non-firers’ This was also found to be the case during WW2 and resulted in armed forces making significant adjustments to the way they trained their personnel to reduce the rate of non-shooting. As you rightly point out, they would do everything to avoid it.
My empathic son was a Marine. In the Marine Corps they train them to think only of their buddies in their platoon. They fight to protect their comrades, who they are friends with and who are in harms way.
Marines are never sent to war. They must volunteer. I was so totally devastated when my son told me he had volunteered to go to the war in Iraq.
When I asked him, “How could you do such a thing? It’s not even a just war?”
He answered, “Mom, it doesnt matter if the war is just or not. I have to go. There are other Marines there in the war who can’t come back home to their moms if I don’t go relieve them. I can’t let them down. They’re depending on me, just like I’ll be depending on some other Marine coming to relieve me when my tour is over.”
It still makes me cry whenever I remember him holding my hands and telling me that.
Well I didnt know that! Very interesting tid-bit HG. Thank you…
Non-shooting wouldn’t be a problem for me, I would shoot every mother fucker I could. I love violence and I am an empath.
Me too
HG, is on point, per usual.
They called them “Yellows” in other words a coward.
A narcissist would not think twice about shooting the enemy, which is why there is a lot of narcissist in the military.
Narcissist are very useful when it comes to fighting in the front line. In fact they weed out the empaths when it come to battle, it’s the narcissist that make the cut.
It takes a particular person to kill someone, depending on the circumstances.
Could be, but I can see the opposite as well. Since narcs only really think of themselves, I imagine a lot of them hide out and keep to the background when they would actually be in danger themselves. I think there are so many narcs in the military because they crave power and status – both of which are plentiful with ranks and military protocols. Also they will think only of the end result, not the welfare of their troops – which can be decisive in winning a war.
A fighting force made up of narcissists wouldn’t be very effective in a war, in my opinion. What the armed forces all want in war are a goodly supply of normals and even empaths, who can be brainwashed/trained to fight for a purpose or cause greater than themselves under command of the narcs.
Respectful greetings to you HG
I was blessed to have a step-mom who loved me, although if I hadn’t had her, this would have been my ltr too!
Kind greetings to you,
Pam