The Married Target
“Nuns and married women are equally unhappy,” so said Queen Christina of Sweden.
I have not (yet) targeted a nun although I would readily claim to have done so, since an entertaining tale would surely be attached to such an endeavour. It is a different story with regards to married women.
Our kind often target married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union.
Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefer to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target which is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable.
- Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get.
- Lack of boundary recognition Nothing is off limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise it means nothing to us ( The Narcissist and Marriage ).
- Lack of accountability. We might be labelled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?”
- Triangulation. A favoured manipulation of ours which allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another and of course two fuel streams.
- Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with.
- Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose and of course succeeding, shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from a marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that?
- Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor.
- Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill and so forth.
- Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person and similar tasks which tells those of our kind who prioritise those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post divorce.
- Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous and ecstatic to be freed and of course the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy.
Accordingly, the fact that somebody is married signals to us that there are many benefits and our mind set sees this individual as an entirely viable target.
However, might there be concerns also? I am sure various questions have already formed in your mind as to why we might not regard a married person as a viable target. This may include.
- Why choose someone who is already with somebody else? Surely that requires more effort to lure them away?
- Is it not the case that Lesser and Mid-Ranger Narcissists are more likely to be deterred from hoovering when their former Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) have a new parter post escape/dis-engagement? Does this not apply when seeking a target?
- Are we not concerned about reprisals from the target’s spouse, family and friends?
- Are we not concerned our facade may be damaged by such behaviour which society generally frowns on?
- Would we not be perturbed that if this person can be stolen away from another that that means they will do the same to us at some point?
- If someone is willing to cheat on their partner, are they as empathic as we want them to be?
Fair questions. Taking them in turn.
- Yes, it will require more effort but our sense of entitlement, unshakeable belief in our brilliance and moreover the rewards that await us mean this effort is worthwhile. Keep in mind that as we are targeting this person we will usually be devaluing our own IPPS an therefore there is plenty of negative fuel to hand to power the seduction of this newly acquired target. We are not in any rush to secure them (our IPPS is not looking to escape and the conditions for dis-engagement have not yet been met).
- That consideration is certainly applicable when applied to the Follow-Up Hoover but this is a Seduction Hoover and therefore the condition and context are entirely different. The fear of rejection is not one which is looming large.
- No. Our belief in our superiority pushes such a concern to one side. The Lesser will resort to physical violence if necessary. The Mid-Ranger will use this unwarranted (in his or her mind) attack to prove that he or she deserves pity and praise for doing the right thing in trying to set the poor spouse free from their “abusive tyrant”. The Greater will charm his way out of trouble or threaten his own far worse repercussions if anybody tries to get clever.
- This is a concern however it is overridden because whatever (unmerited) criticism may come our way for interfering in a marriage, we convince ourselves that it is justified and for the ‘greater good’. This person is unhappy, bored, abused and we are getting them out of there and if you were a real friend you would understand that and help me! (May as well manipulate the disapproving secondary source as well).
- Ha ha! Of course not, why on earth would they ever leave us after everything we have done for them? Don’t be stupid.
- This is an interesting question and one which merits its own article as to why do empathic people cheat? Suffice to state for the purposes of this piece, we regard their desire to cheat as a necessary ‘evil’ to escape the situation they are in/get to a better place with us and this is a temporary behaviour which will not affect their overall empathic nature.
Accordingly, with motivating factors in place and any potential concerns either not applicable or easily addressed, we commence our pursuit.
Why do we consider that this married target will succumb to our seduction? Leaving aside our belief in our irresistible qualities, our brilliance and magnetism there are a number of reasons why we see it as likely that these people will fall under our spell.
- The married targets we lock on to are of course of similar make-up to our targets who are single. Namely they have the relevant empathic, class and special traits as explained in Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You . Moreover the people we target are susceptible to being drawn to our kind. They have an inherent vulnerability to our kind and being married does not mean this vulnerability has vanished.
- The married target may already be with one of our kind. Thus, whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range will not recognise this, they will instinctively have identified a person who is susceptible to them also AND will invariably be devalued (or is being devalued) and therefore allows the incoming narcissist to play the role of rescuer. It is the case that our kind will steal empaths from one another. The Greater Narcissist will of course recognise one of the brethren and use this to his advantage in spiriting away the empathic married target.
- The married target might actually be one of our kind and the Lesser and Mid-Range have not spotted one another. The married target is of course absolutely game for infidelity and whilst the outcome will be the relevant conclusion of a romantic collision between the relevant school of narcissist, the fact that the married target is a narcissist means that the coupling is going to occur.
- We see how people’s lives become humdrum and monotonous. We do not recognise the deep-seated bond between two people because we are incapable of attachment ourselves. We do not pay heed to the stability that some relationships acquire through the passage of time. What we see instead is someone who must be bored with the same routine (because of course we become bored easily and therefore judge others in a similar vein) but our magical thinking means they cannot possibly become bored with us. Whilst we may not play the abuse card, we still see this person as stuck in a rut, fed-up, in need of spice and adventure and of course as the dazzling whirlwind that we are, we arrive and provide that all. Who could fail to be excited by such a marvellous array of glitter, gold and garnish?
- People always have something to complain about with regard to their spouse. He isn’t romantic any more, she has let herself go, we never do anything together, she just wants to watch television, he won’t show any interest in what I do, he insists on going fishing every weekend, he snores and it drives me nuts and so on. Whether it is significant or trivial, we will count on these facts and uncover them and use them to our advantage. We will heighten our attractiveness based on this (for instance asking you all about your interest in 18th century literature) and denigrate the spouse’s unattractive trait (i wouldn’t go fishing if I could go to the theatre with you instead). Of course this is just part of the lying and mirroring that we do.
- Our split thinking will automatically paint your spouse as the villain of the piece. His concern about where you are is painted as him trying to control you. His friendly demeanour with other women is evidence of his flirtatious nature. Our insidious techniques drip feed dissent and play with your mind. We dangle the golden carrot in one hand and pump toxic lies over your spouse with the other, looking to steadily tip the scales in our favour.
- We will readily invent tales of your spouse’s supposed misdemeanours and/or manufacture them. A Lieutenant will be sent to flirt with your husband and we will provide you with footage to show their entanglement (of course we remove the part where your husband actually shows he is faithful and he tells her to leave him alone). Another Lieutenant will be sent to get your wife drunk or slip drugs into her handbag for you to find later, ramping up our suggestions that she is selfish and tripping the light fantastic whilst you stay at home looking after the children. Why are you putting up with that when you could leave and be with someone who really appreciates you?
- Everybody has their price. Nobody is immune and above being manipulated into a position whereby they are seduced by us. Yes, some may take longer than others, but combine the target’s susceptibility, the fact they may be in a difficult relationship, the fact they may be bored or lonely, the fact we are exciting and invigorating, the fact we will manipulate the battlefield so it is always in our favour and you have a situation where it is impossible for someone to resist us. We will secure our married target. Ultimately, if there are those who are impervious to our overtures, we won’t target them to begin with.
The dynamic of the married target and the narcissist also has to be addressed. We may see a ring on a finger of a person in a bar and opt to make them an Intimate Partner Tertiary Source by sleeping with them that night before they slink away to their spouse. We may never bother with them again, but fuel has been obtained, Thought Fuel gained thinking of the unseen spouse wondering where their wife or husband is and the ratification of our power achieved.
More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source. They may be a Dirty Little Secret, a colleague who we rut in the empty offices at work or who scurries away from their spouse under the pretence of attending the gym before meeting is in the back of our car in a shadowy car park. We may have no pressing need to make them our IPPS and therefore we are content to utilise that person as a Shelf IPSS, organising a night away together when he pretends he is on a business trip, or calling in to work on the basis of being unwell, to spend an afternoon together. We may bring you into our world, letting you meet friends and family, seeing you intermittently, content to show you our enticing world and then place you on the shelf, leaving you longing for more, pining for us at weekends when you must be with your family and we are engaging with our own IPPS or a different IPSS.
We may hit the motherlode and realise you ought to be our IPPS and as our Candidate IPSS we go all out to smear your spouse, entice you and roll out all our dazzling illusions to show you that you need to leave him, be free and be yourself but with us. We will coax, cajole and entice, showing you the forbidden fruits and the liberation that awaits you at our supposedly benevolent rescuing hand. The more we smear your innocent spouse and the more we shower you with the love-bombing, your resistance will erode. Your emotional thinking will subsume your cool, hard logic as you become swept up in the moment and your emotional thinking cons you as it whispers to you
“You have been a wife and a mother for twenty years, never complaining, it is time you started living.”
“She just isn’t interested in sex anymore and you have needs, here is someone who makes you feel alive again.”
“She just takes you for granted. Here is someone who values you.”
“Yes he will be hurt if you leave but he will get over it. You deserve to be happy don’t you?”
Oh the excuses will come pouring and of course we will not dissuade you from thinking in this way. We will say and do whatever is needed to get what we want. Charming you and painting your spouse as evil, awful and selfish.
The simple fact is that all people are targets. Married targets are often even better targets.
24 thoughts on “The Married Target”
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I was the ten years older, married target.
‘ There are many attractive, single girls working there but I wanted you from the beginning ‘ he said to me when it started.
I had no expectations, I did not see the future for us but he wanted more and more …
‘ I don’t understand why are you with him… you should get divorce…I know you are worried about your children and this is understandable but he will still be their father… you just not gonna live together..Trust me .. my mother got divorced and this was the best thing she did for herself and for us ( the children).. she has never been happier …Don’t worry about him.. he should treat you better..etc
And I did.
I didn’t do it for him though. I decided this was the right thing to do and I have been waiting too long.
My best friend said if I would have not met him I would probably never find the courage to leave my husband and I would carry on leaving maybe comfortable but miserable life.
And for this reason alone I’m glad that it happened.
Well after 15 years of marriage my husband and I were watching porn and discussing would you do this or that. He has this brilliant idea that we should go to sex clubs. I said “sex club is not for me I don’t want to have sex with strangers.” And I was a hurt that he didn’t think I was good enough. Brought up old memories of how the lesser narcissist treated me. I suggested swapping partners with another couple. That we could hang out with do things together. But we couldn’t agree on a couple. I wanted more than just a sexual fling. I wanted a bond. He wants a woman that looks like a stripper or a porn star. Good luck with that. So the rule was they can’t live in the same county we live in. Well my instructor at the time lived in another county. He was always flirting with me. So I contacted him and that’s how I got ensnared by another narcissist. I never kissed the instructor or had sex with him, but it did turn into an emotional affair. When I told my husband I found someone that I wanted to sleep with suddenly he changed his mind. Blamed me. Now he doesn’t want to share. But I couldn’t stop myself from contacting the narcissist. He became my addiction. My obsession. I wanted to run away with him. I thought maybe he would actually love me and appreciate me. But I was wrong. He ended up leading me on. Playing games with my emotions. Followed by the silent treatment. Then I found out he had someone else the whole time. Then I felt guilt for my behavior and I allowed my husband to do something with another woman. We are trying to work things out.
There’s the makings of a film in that post……I hear Harvey Weinstein is looking for a new project!!!!!……However in all seriousness, I sincerely hope you achieve whatever it is that you are looking for and that everything works out the way you want it to be…..that all sounded like an extremely difficult phase to me…….I hope things are better for you now…… Diva
Lol. Thank you Diva.
It’s has been 8 months since I went no contact. I finally feel like I can move forward with my life.
That’s good to know…..I am at the 8th month NC stage too…..don’t get complacent…….do keep us posted of your progress…….we need the success stories as well as the horror ones (we know we can rely on HG for those kind!) ……Diva
Diva,
Good advice!
I don’t want to let my guard down.
8 months is just the beginning stages.
I will absolutely continue to read, learn and share.
Yup. My former narc ended up having a fling /affair years later after we were done with a guy we had a fight about when dating. He was not married then but was at the time of their trysts in her fathers camper,so the rumour goes. Scenario was we were driving by, she said oooh baby look at that. I kicked her out of my car after saying to her” if that’s what you want go get it”, then felt bad and went back to pick her up and explained why I got upset. Empath much? Guess I caused injury then years later she had opportunity to get him. Funny thing is years later saw them at a pub and they were both looking at me like hey you see this smiling and grinning like fools. Bet she told him the story too albeit different in details from mine. All I wondered at the time was why you lookin at me, for a reaction? Could not have cared less I had moved on and was with someone else.
“More often the married target becomes a Non Intimate Secondary Source. We worm our way in as a wonderful friend, but this is a mere staging post as we hurtle towards bedding them and making them an Intimate Partner Secondary Source.”
This! Exactly this. And I let it happen, except we never slept together. We didn’t go farther than kissing, though I shamefacedly admit I don’t know that it wouldn’t have eventually happened. I hate that I let myself be sucked in, but he played his cards right and extremely well. He gave me the love (or at least pretended to really well) that I so desperately seek. And it’s not that my husband doesn’t, he does and does it well. I adore my husband. It’s just that after being deprived of love from all of my parents (steps included) for my whole life, I have this need to be loved by more than just one person. I am broken in that way. My husband understands that. He was fine with my and narc’s intimate friendship as long as it didn’t cross certain boundaries. Narc took advantage of that and ran with it.
The same thing happened to me. Started out as “friendship” and hurt led towards the near destruction of my marriage. He even befriended my husband to get closer.
Btw love your screen name.
One thing, how does one hoover the married target? I’m trying to stay on guard.
My ex use to think it was delightful to go for a married woman, until he got his a– kicked then almost got killed over it. He decided that the thrill wasn’t worth the risk, now that he is older. His petty little games may have given him a power trip at the time, but he is the one who has lost out in the long wrong. Just like I told him “you may have won the fight, but you lost the war!” Ultimately he has become old, alone and taken for alot of money and material things because of his destructive games. He could have just tried to get along since he found a good woman, but “NO” he has to play his little petty ante games and ultimately loose out on a nice lifestyle, family, friends who care, a nice old age with someone to be there for him, but “NO” his petty games are more important. So I guess he can sit there old, miserable and lonely. His prowess of his youth is gone- hes old, skinny and ugly now.
I think a married woman over 45 may be the most vulnerable target. No matter how good the marriage, it usually lacks excitement after, let’s say, 20 years. And the Narc is exciting, no doubt about that.
It is also more difficult for her to leave the narcissist, even when cracks appear on the facade. Because it was him that made her (in his own, unique fashion) feel desirable and beautiful again, when she thought these feelings were over for good. Futhermore, it is not easy for her to be impressed anymore. But he managed to impress her. Mayby he (she thinks) was her last chance to feel young, in love and really alive one more time. Plus, she is more tolerant than she used to be. Wisdom (and motherhood) have made her more forgiving. So she sticks there, being patient, generous and hopeful.
Wow.
Well said. And so very true…That last chance of feeling beautiful, sexy and wanted….It’s what haunts those who have played with the fire of a narc.
Thank you for posting this reminder regarding how complicated these relationships are. Today is my birthday. I have not received a birthday card from my spouse for the past 3 years (since he became involved with his intimate secondary source). He will buy me a gift if I ask for something, but I now know this is just for show. He actually posted a birthday wish to me on FB this morning, but he was messaging with the other (married) person at the same time. He does not usually post anything on FB to me, so it may have been to get a reaction from the other person or just to make himself look like a loving husband. Later, he told me SHE had told him to tell me SHE wanted to wish me a happy birthday, too. I am pretty sure she will do anything she can to make my day worse than it already is. I will be lucky if she does not show up when we are having dinner tonight. She often shows up when we are at dinner and does not hesitate to stop to chat with him or even sit in my chair if I happen to get up to go to the restroom. It is so difficult to accept everything has been an illusion. Trying not to give them any fuel.
Before I comment…..I would like to state that I am not married nor have I ever been……although I grazed a bullet in that department once. Nor have I ever cheated on a man. Now that’s clear, I can state my point……
I asked a narc I know “Why did he always target married women in his past?” after he had stated to me that he never usually dated single women.
Without a flicker of emotion his answer was …….because a married woman was not likely to squeal on him and risk his marriage as well as their own. He said married women were less of a risk to him than a single woman and easier to control. Also they were less demanding than a single woman, as they were busy with their own lives, husbands and even children, so this meant that he could have a few of them on the go at the same time, without any of them knowing about the others…….
If that wasn’t enough…….he also stated that if the married woman got pregnant by him she was less likely to go after him for support, because again, she may risk her own marriage and reputation. She would be more likely to keep it quiet and let the other man (her husband) believe the child was his.
Have you ever asked someone a question and told them that you won’t judge them if they tell you the absolute truth…….then the truth comes out…….and then you wished that you had never asked the question?……Diva
Diva,
No, I have never regretted asking a question and getting an honest answer – no matter how horrible the answer was. But then we differ on the “ignorance is bliss” thinking. For me understanding is bliss.
Hi Windstorm2…..I understand you and although I always say I want to hear the truth…… I find “narc truth” extremely difficult to digest …..in any case I believe there is only one type of narc that will revel in giving you the “narc truth” when questioned……most of them won’t or can’t so it has only been a problem once for me and not likely to occur again (well apart from here!!!)……Diva
Diva
Yeah. I’m beginning to come to the conclusion that greaters are the only narcs I’m able to be friends with. I’ve about decided midrangers just get on my nerves too much to spend much time talking to them. Ignorance I can deal with. But willful, determined ignorance coupled with condescension and feelings of superiority is just beyond my tolerance level.
I had hoped my Moron in Munich would be another narc associate that I could enjoy talking to, but I’m about out of patience with him. He’s just a covert midranger and I think right now he’s trying to play little vindictive games with me to punish me. But he’s just not smart enough to pull them off. It’s like trying to talk to a child – a petty, selfish child. Some people could probably be amused toying with him, but it’s just not fun for me. He just doesn’t have what it takes to keep me amused.
Windstorm2…”It’s like trying to talk to a child – a petty, selfish child.”
I had to laugh at your post……that man could not be anything but a Mid Range narc……I can’t deal with them either…..I have to point out that most kids I know are actually more mature than a Mid Range narc!!!! Never has the statement, “I have one nerve left and you are getting on it,” been more appropriate than when dealing with this breed…..Diva
WS2. it’s like the second world war. i was reading old posts last nite. your 2 bothers me too and i wondered if it was always there or my poor memory and self gas lighting was to blame. i was glad to learn the back story of how it appeared. it confirms i can trust myself but laugh and laugh at how much we simmer down to being the same. totally off topic. i want THE TRUTH. and i want bliss. when the truth unblisses me i want the genie back in the bottle of ignorance:/
Tappan Zee
Ah, but génies are meant to fly free – not be trapped in bottles. Free to fly all over the world creating havoc and confusion. That’s their nature! 😉
Yes this is a sad reality. I even had low-life narcs hit on me when I was young and married. I always found laughing at them to be pretty effective. Keeping a large, male German Shepherd Dog worked too. I had one totally devoted to me who picked up on my unease and would begin a low organ-like growl. I’ve found many seemingly tough narcs are frightened of large dogs.
Hi Windstorm2….we have much in common…..I always loved and kept a GSD myself…….I always had the long haired jet black ones…..they look more like wolves but mine put on a few pounds and ended up looking like a black bear. Anyhow she sadly passed on (13 years of age) and I am not getting another…..I can’t put myself through it again.
I have a narc theory about dogs……..Greaters don’t want them……Lessers will be cruel and violent to them……Mid Range narcs are more likely to keep a dog and look after it better…..they like the control they have of it and it is usually a working dog. They like to have something that won’t ever leave them no matter how they treat it……….it rings true to the narcs I have met in any event…….Diva
Diva
My mother used to raise GSDs. She bred them for different cost colors. I always loved the solid black and long haired ones best! (She preferred the tan with saddle). I love them, but I’m too old to control one now. I always kept a male since they bond and protect a woman better, and they’re too powerful, headstrong and dangerous for me to handle now. I’ve turned to Schipperkes. They have much the same personality but only 20 pounds, don’t shed or drool!
I’ve never really known any lesser narcs. Most of my family are mids with a few greaters. Even my greaters all enjoyed and kept dogs. Of course they never personally cared for them like the mids did. And they all are very aloof and I’ll at ease around other people’s dogs. Mama was a mid. She did all the actual training and care of our kennel. Daddy was a greater. The dogs all respected him, but he just did the planning, design/building of the pens and breeding houses, ect.
I know this first hand. I was a married target. Im now divorced …… and alone . Dont fall for the seduction peeps!!!!!!