Just Leave Him
I know what they say about me. I always know. I know they crowd around, earnest expressions etched across their made-up faces, their mouths flapping as they spout their supposed wisdom to you.
“We will be here for you. You have always got us.”
“If you are unhappy there must be something wrong.”
“Is it right to be treated like this?”
“You are not the person you used to be.”
Who are they to claim what is right for you? Have they held you on that cliff-top with the foaming ocean churning beneath us, the cool Atlantic air brushing past us as a canopy of stars hung overhead? Have they looked into your eyes and seen the pain that I know was there long before I came along, a pain that I have shouldered for you? Where were they when you called at 3am and asked that I tell you a story because you had just had a horrible nightmare? I do not recall them soothing you and keeping those night demons at bay. Do they know you inside out? I think not. They do not know every each of you in the way that I do. Each delicate piece of you that I have kissed and caressed, so there is no place about your person that has not been embraced by me. They have not done that have they? Have they held your long tresses back and rubbed your back as you spewed those cocktails back up and groaned about what how much money you have just regurgitated? No. It was I who rode to your rescue as they wove their drunken way to another bar. They do not know your favourite ten songs and I will wager more than they earn that they have no inclination that you are frightened of geese.
Oh I know alright. I know about their messages which they send you. I have seen them and it is fortunate that I have so I can spare you from the green-eyed lies. They do not have what we have and nor will they ever. One cannot blame them for their wretched jealousy, they are just flesh and blood, but are they your true friends when they seek to pour such sedition in your ears when my back is turned? Ought they not to be happy for you, delighted that you want to spend so much time with me. Do they not see that your sadness on occasions is borne out of your deep and perfect love for me, that such is our connection that you justifiably feel upset when you irk me or irritate me. I know you do not mean to do it and that is why I have not pushed you aside like those other pretenders who came before you. You understand what it is to have found someone who fulfils all your hopes and your dreams and you understand my pain when you sleight me or let me down. Yet, since you are such a good person, my upset becomes your upset but they do not see it. I suppose if I was charitable I might ascribe their short-sightedness to the fact that they lack your special qualities. Only you understand me and only you have that deep-seated bond with me so that what I feel resonates with you. That is who you are and who they are not.
I heard them caution you about moving in together, their comments about “undue haste” and “it is too early” and “he wants you where he can see you.” Well, why should I not? Why should I not have my number one fan with me as often as I can? Why would you want to be anywhere else?Why would I not want to have someone so pretty and wonderful as you besides me? Does not every winner want to show off his trophy? Of course.
I know they have cautioned you about my temper and urged you to depart, claiming that it will only get worse and you will suffer. They mistake passion for temper, but then they would wouldn’t they, it suits their selfish purposes to try and bring down what you and I have. People usually do that when they do not understand something. It is a predictable and regrettable response. As for their remarks about me controlling you, how can that be so? I chose you for so many things and chief amongst those attributes was the attraction of your strong mind and keen intelligence. So what if I suggest what you might wear and how you should do your hair, I am taking an interest. Would you prefer it if I never commented on how you looked or made no suggestion as to what suited you? I know a couple of them think I stop you seeing them, but that is just more of their campaign of slander. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but the times I have asked you to cancel plans to see some of your friends were only because I wanted to be with you. Perhaps I sounded firmer than I intended, I suppose that might happen when you spend all day working hard to support a relationship, it does make one tired. Do not be concerned by their observations that I make all the decisions about what we do, where we go and how our money is spent. I am happy to bear such a burden for us both and you have admitted, have you not, that I do know more than you about certain things. I am only doing what is right for you, for me and most of all for us. Of course, they do not bother to gain possession of all the facts. They would much rather whisper untruths in your ear based on hearsay and ill-informed perspectives. I suppose that is a price I have to pay for loving you so totally, so completely and so perfectly.
Still, I know they urge you to leave me. I am no fool. I have overheard their comments, heard what they say when they telephone you and seen the messages. I know they want you to depart and escape me. Well, do it. Go. Leave everything that we have built up together. Leave my guiding hand and perhaps someone more grateful will come along. I do not want that but why should my largesse and love be abused in this way? Why should I pour my all into an empty hole? Go do it. Pack your bags and leave. I will not stop you. See. If I controlled you would I not be begging you to stay and pleading with you to ignore them? If I pulled your strings as they accuse me of doing so would I not be threatening you now with all manner of terrible consequences if you had the audacity to step through that door and away from me? But I have not and I do not, because you already know don’t you? That is why I chose you. But I shall not stand in your way. If it really is awful being with someone who only ever has your best interests at heart and who loves you perfectly, albeit sometimes clumsily and erratically, then leave me. Just leave.
I know you won’t though. I know.
24 thoughts on “Just Leave Him”
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Hello Kim
Forgiving him and moving on to a life you deserve brings a peace he will never experience. To forgive and go back because others say this is right is folllowing a path that will only keep this mindset in motion that keeps so many trapped.
IMO
You are right on all levels
Hello HG, I’m feeling very annoyed so I’m going to have a rant on here . My on and off boyfriend of 2 and half years lower mid range has gone to the doctors as I have told him repeatedly that he’s a narcissist since I myself have had some understanding which is about 16 months now. He has gone to his GP and gone through various processes phone calls , telephone calls with therapists and a face to face assessment . At the end of the assessment he was told yes he does need to be referred to a psychiatrist and his first appointment is next week. Now he’s had a phone call from the same assessor telling him they have identified the disorder and as there is a waiting list for psychiatrists he should go back to his doctor GP, for a prescription for depression . He got annoyed on the phone and said he is not depressed and insisted that he wants this appointment next week. But basically he’s being fobbed off and the assessor did not name the disorder. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t come back with BI Polar or something and try and stick him on medication. Give Mr Narc his due he is pushing through with this and has insisted on the appointment . But really and truly it’s a mess. It’s taken 3 months to get this appointment and now they are trying to cancel it and send him back to his GP where he started . He’s not lying about any of this as I’m witnessing it all. I’m not saying sessions with a psychiatrist will cure him and I’ve told him that but the lack of facilities for mental health problems and the lack of knowledge of Cluster B and the vast spectrum is a major problem. The assessor said they have identified the disorder but did not name it. HG is there such a thing as medication for NPD ? I doubt it and what would it do ?
No medication, no.
This brings into the forefront one aspect of narcissistic relationships that is often forgotten: the isolation. It’s a huge warning sign when someone you are with starts making negative comments about your family and friends, or basically anyone who is part of your support system. my ex Greater narc attempted that, trying to create an “aut aut ” situation in which I would have to either pick him or anyone he felt as a threat to his control. Thankfully he never quite succeeded entirely, but he came close. He did manage to sever the bonds of friendship with one person with whom I had been close for many years, however I was fortunate because now I realise she was a narc herself (a victim type, specifically).
That brings me to a thought: most of my important relationships and friends have been narcissists; my mother (mid, martyr), maybe my father (somatic mid, I think), my ex best friend (victim also), my ex (somatic mid), my other, more significant ex (a greater)….
I now only count a best friend, a sibling and a fiancé as my support system, I don’t rely much on others and I have become EXTREMELY picky on who I spend time/open myself up to with…
I am either very, very unlucky, and a human beacon of alarming magnitude, or the percentage of narcs is woefully high, beyond half the population of my area!
I can and I did
Oh no , I did it with the first one of your kind .
I didn’ t want with the second one , but then I knew you , HG, and I did it with the second one , he was the love of my life , my future , my pride . But you told me , it’ s only your reflection and I believed you , and I did it with the second one .
There will not be a third one , not in this life , I promess you .Thank you .
kim1— find najwa zebian. muslim woman. lives in london ontario cn. writes about leaving abuse. dznt use word narc. but same shit diff day. wears a hijab. beautiful soul inside and out. nectar of pain poems is one book. mind platter another. she is a total (as if there are partial ;p) empath. it may help you. i find her little you tubes comforting. she has tweets of the day. she has no hate. all love. takes no shit either. sounds like she was “discarded” HGs preferred word slips my mind but he left her. again. same shit. diff day. idk know that it matters. it may keep you stuck more to be “well the whole muslim thing.” fuck i am catholic. and american. so the whole bs there too. NOT to discount any one culture. but it’s ALL HARD. power and control used to abuse in the human culture is wrong. attach male privilege to it. ta-da. here we are in the shit show of 2017.
That is what “he” said…then one day…I actually left.
My situation is different everyone tells me I must forgive him and take him back no matter what because in the Muslim community a women is never to question a man and traits such as forgiveness areally praised I’m constantly being told I’m a good person and henceforth should accept anything and everything he does
I find this cultural aspect very interesting especially because the narcs I had been with often found themselves with females who were different culturally.
I’m glad u mentioned culture because I made a big booboo I should not have said Muslim culture I should have said north African Algerian Moroccan tunisien culture because there is no Muslim culture Islam is mixed up with culture in the fact people associate certain things with Islam that are actually a product of the culture for example a Pakistani Muslim and an Algerian Muslim are very different. The reason Algerians seek westerners are primarily for green cards and even when Its its because they assume it will he easier they think they can get away with things because the woman will not be aware of her rights and the expectations of the culture. If I were Algerian and he pulled the shit he pulled my family and his family would he up his ass with a mighty quickness his behaviour is inexcusable in his culture even though they do expect a woman to forgive a nan is still expected to treat her in a way that upholds her dignity so yeah its a copout that’s why they do it
That should have said even when its not for green card they do it because they think its easier
I think the cross-cultural aspect comes into play because it is harder to read someone’s personality from another culture. I think a fair number of our “radar sensors” are turned off.
If a man had a girlfriend/wife from any poor or patriarchal country it is an alarming sign. In that case, it means that his woman was under his full control – no relatives, no friends, no connections, no propper language knowledge, no normal work, no money… Ideal conditions for abuse.
When my English grammar Nazi teacher told me he had a russian wife, I was like “Riiiiight…”. Lol.
Also, the “traveller man” is a red flag – Thailand, Brazil, Colombia, Philippines, Netherlands, Kenya, Malaysia – very popular “sex tourism” places.
😥😥😥😥😥
kimmichaud1,
Please follow your heart and happiness. If only people realized the power of influence. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to live a life that honors your values.
NO. do not follow your heart. like their moral compass is broken our emotional thinking is. i would be at the alter of abuse STILL if i had followed my heart. NEVER would have left NC. i had to break my own heart to find the courage later. do not wait for it.
I thought she was saying that in her culture she is told to put up with the narcissist. From my understanding, she wanted out and felt obligated to stay. You are right though, sometimes we have to break our own hearts to be happy later.
It’s OK I knew what u meant but thanks for clarifying and thanks for u r advice I know I have the right to leave and should because he’s no good for me
You have my sympathy. I am an atheist my self, the short reason being that religions are preinstalled in society as systems of abuse.If your are in a western country you may be able to escape, but it will probably cost you everything if your family of origin are also muslim.
Are you married to him? Mine is Muslim too, so I very much understand… Was one of the hardest parts actually. (Not exclusive to Muslim communities BTW. A LOT of people will advise forgiveness because they don’t understand how dangerous these beasts are.) I found it very effective to shower my N with complimentary bullshit that he wanted to hear and wanted to believe… Words, words and yet IN ACTION keep him 100 miles away from my center… just long enough that I could get away. (Ex: “I know you are sorry and I COMPLETELY believe you and believe you are a good person at heart. I just need some time to myself. You know me haha” All total crap!) I don’t know your situation or background, but if you are new to the community, not accustomed to “the rules” for an outsider (non-Muslim) in this community, I might be able to offer more specific advice that I found effective. (As of this writing–knock on wood–I’m out completely with him, but have been able to maintain a decent connection and reputation in the community.)
A LOT of people will advise forgiveness because they don’t understand how dangerous these beasts are. <—- THAT TOO!!
Our Slavic men aren’t so extreme as the Muslims, but yeah, our counties (Russia, Ukraine, Belarus) are patriarchal, even nowadays.
We women are taught to respect our men and don’t mess with their “manly deals”, but we have a right to express our opinion about their behavior freely and our men are taught to respect it.
Plus, our homes are the woman’s territory traditionally. We protect the peace there and don’t permit any war events. If our men want to “fight”, they have to do it somewhere else, but not at home. Our home is a sancruary.
Also, our society don’t approve the men’ abusive behavior toward the women and kids. It considers as not a “manly” behavior and such men become a target for bullying from other men (neighbors, colleagues, etc.). “If you can’t subdue your woman and kids without your fists and offense, you aren’t the man at all. Put the skirt on and live like a woman then”.
The cultural difference is very interesting thing and it is pretty hard to overcome it, even for “normals”. I know no one (I mean my colleagues, friends, neighbors), who is/was successfully married to a foreigner man and established the whole and mutual acceptance and intimacy. Everything is/was different – the culture, the upbringing, the language, the habbits. But they all were the stronger believers, that the “Love overcomes everything!”. No. Not everything.