Sins of the Empath : Positivity
Positivity. Positive outlook. Optimism. The empathic individual which is the target for our kind is blessed with positivity. This ingrained positivity allows them to see the good in people, it enables them to find the silver lining in the gathered storm clouds and grants a motivating factor. By adopting a positive outlook in their life, the empathic individual is inspired to achieve more, to dispel the bad and seize on whatever goodness they can identify, even if it is the merest kernel. This trait enables the empathic individual to cast their optimistic eyes over the bleakest of scenarios and see that there is something good which can be learned from the experience, something decent which is in the pipeline and something to be cherished. In its purest form it manifests as a blind optimism and this powers the empathic individual so they are able to overcome what might be regarded as insurmountable by lesser individuals.
This empathic trait causes the relevant person to reflect on what they have learned from an experience, how the occasion was good for them in testing them, causing them to utilise their resources and to work out a way forward when faced with a problem. Whilst a normal individual might bemoan the situation that has befallen them (and indeed our kind would address it by blaming everybody else and leaving them to pick up the pieces), the empathic individual’s innate positivity causes them to see an opportunity. They see the chance to enrich their own experience, to grow as a person and to demonstrate that with positive thought, positive action and positive attitude no problem is too great, no issue is incapable of resolution and no setback is forever.
Whilst being imbued with this sense of positivity allows an empathic individual to demonstrate fortitude, pragmatism and optimism in their lives and thus they bring with them the capacity to enrich the lives of others, the trait of positivity also generates problems when dealing with our kind.
The positivity invariably blinds the empathic person to what they are actually dealing with. The false positivity which we radiated through our love bombing and the golden period convinces the empathic person that we are indeed a ‘good’ person. Thus, when the monster appears during devaluation, rather than see it for what it is, the manipulations and machinations of a twisted and abusive person, the positive empath strives to harness the good which once existed again. This creates a near indefatigable spirit which in turn causes the empathic person to remain in our grip for far longer than is good for them.
Naturally, this is of no concern to us since we want you to remain in our grip. We want you bound to us and your unrelenting belief that the goodness that you have seen can be brought to the fore again is a weakness of this positivity and invariably puts you at risk. When others would retreat in the face of the eroding and savage manipulations, the empathic individual remains positive. Not only do they wish to sweep away the darkness and find the good in us once again, they regard it as a test of their resolve and therefore increase their positive outlook in order to cater with the slings and arrows which are sent their way.
This positivity lend itself to the making of excuses. Rather than realise that they have been entangled by a deceitful, manipulative abuser, the empathic individual will look to environmental factors – such as the fact that we are tired, stressed or over-worked since that must be what it is that is clouding our innate and once seen inner goodness. If those external factors continue to fail to explain our behaviours, the empathic individual will become introspective and consider that the problem has arisen as a consequence of some failing on their part. They consider that they have not shown us enough love, not asked us how our days has gone, not been supportive enough when we have faced a challenge, not cooked our steak correctly and ever more trivial and meaningless excuses which are trotted out in order to maintain a positive outlook and not give in.
By adopting positivity, the empathic individual places stock in the fact that with the right effort and application things will be worked out and once more will be good again. When a respite period is granted by us during the devaluation, the empathic individual will seize on this as evidence of how their positive outlook has reaped rewards. By hanging in there, never giving up and remaining upbeat they have allowed their positivity to shine through and this has saved the day. Once again however, this dedication to remaining positive has caused the empathic person to fail to notice that this is all part of the ongoing manipulation and is just a brief and passing restoration of the illusion that is the golden period and is done to exploit this belief in remaining positive.
Positivity causes the empath to misguidedly believe that we can be fixed and healed. This positive outlook means that when an objective third party points out the reality of the situation to the empath, they smile and thank them for their observation but find an excuse and point to how remaining true to being positive will once again resolve the issues. The viewpoint is one of if you want something enough then the universe will provide it to you and those with a positive outlook do not waste time wondering why things do not happen as they wish, but rather they do something to bring about what they want and to change things. This attitude may be appropriate to securing a promotion at work, saving to purchase your dream home or being thought of as a kind person by your friends, but it only serves to blind you to what you have been entangled with when it comes to our kind.
It means you are enmeshed with us for longer than you ought to be. It means you suffer the devaluation and all of its awful outcomes to a greater degree than you should. It means that you remain highly susceptible to being hoovered post discard because you believe that we will ultimately see the error of our ways and that we will recognise we have done wrong so that we return to the wonderful, loving and charming person that once seduced you.
Those with this empathic trait in intense amounts will not countenance the manifestation of negativity. They will fight down their anger and replace it with concern. They will dissolve their frustration and exhibit caring instead. This sublimation of emotions only serves to encourage our devaluation as we strive to shatter the positivity and see the tears, the hurt and the despair. Your rejection of negativity means you will not hear ill spoken of us, you will not blame us for what we do and rather than take heed of the negative thoughts which will and do manifest in your mind, you try to force them to one side by engaging in your trait of positivity.
This is a dangerous path to tread. Not only does it blind you to what we are and bind us to you for longer, it means that ultimately you are setting yourself up for devastating disappointment. When the full force of our machinations have been unleashed against you and your considerable coping abilities have been stretched beyond endurance, once this all comes crashing down, the height from which you maintained your positivity means that your fall is all the harder, longer and more painful.
When that discard takes you by surprise, you plummet from your perch of positivity and crash into the dirt, bewildered, exhausted and drained. Yet, it does not take long for this positive trait to re-appear as you soon begin to apply it again, making excuses for why we disappeared, making plans for how matters can be resolved if we just sit down and have a constructive conversation together and how it was good for you to experience this despair, because now you know more than you once did and you can apply this learned experience to your and our advantage by winning us back and helping us with our problems. You can tease out that inner goodness because you will not allow yourself to think it does not exist. To do so offends your sense of positivity.
Negative thoughts however can serve a positive purpose for you, if only you would listen to them. Negative thoughts such as fear manifest to tell you to protect yourself, to defend yourself and to get away from the danger. You however remain in the firing line because you reject the negative and embrace the positive. A negative thought such as feeling unappreciated, lonely or hurt should be recognised as a warning and acted upon, however, the strength of your positivity will invariably override this until it is too late. Indeed, there are those whose degree of positivity is so great that they have become deluded as to what we are and how dangerous we are to you. They are blinded and no matter how often we dole out our cruel treatments, no matter how often others point out the harm that is being caused, they cannot see it because of the effect of their innate positivity.
To do so is indeed a sin in the context of being ensnared with our kind.
The positivity which you should embrace ought to be applied to yourself; that your encounter with us should cause you to learn what we are and how to avoid and evade us in the future.
24 thoughts on “Sins of the Empath : Positivity”
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HG, l would be very interested to hear your thoughts on contributing factors that possibly shape empaths and narcissists. Have you written about this before? And, if so, could you direct me to it please?
I recommend you read Chained, Stalemate.
Windstorm, thank you. You are right. I always try to find a reason, why things are like that. Perhaps it is only a freak of nature, which inherent treats we have and how they develop until we are adults.. The only thing I still believe/ or I am relatively sure about is that it is more likely to become an empath or a narc, if you were raised in an abusive environment.
It is the old question: genetics or surrounding. What does influence the human nature more?
There are too many parents who feel too much guilt, because their child became a criminal. It is not always their guilt.
If there is a full psychopath at work, everyone will be conned.
Mona
I agree. I don’t know about your country, but here there is zero training on how to be a good parent. A woman’s best resources are her friends and family, but we all know how messed up they could be. Basically when you have a baby, it’s all learning by trial and error – and as a mother, I know we all make a lot of errors! The best meaning mother who is stressed out and abused without good guidance is hard pressed to not mess her child up some which way.
Windstorm,
I believe my country is on its way down. We have been on a good way for a long time, tried to care for children and abused women, tried to educate women so that they do not depend on husbands, but now? More and more rights of women are only facade again, too many families need help. Too many other problems have to be solved first. Yes, we have a great facade as a country, never look behind that facade.
Of course – parents do make errors. And I believe that is more than normal, it is in some way necessary to help the child to build its own personality and have its own opinion about the world. It is only important that parents confess their faults after recognising them. them.
I saw a film about a cosmonaut who talked about his past and his family relationships. He said he sent his daughter away because of his career. He said he thought in past that would be the best thing to do and that he now regrets it and would never do such a thing again.
I believe, if I would be his daughter I could forgive him his fault, although it was a hurtful fault. I would feel the love or some kind of love behind it. (I am cautious, because we never know if this statement was for the facade or is a true statement)
And at a certain point in your life, you are always responsible for your own deeds. Now that I know about narcissistic behaviour, I have the responsibility to deal with that knowledge and use it.
When they smear the exe defend him/her. Politely say, I am not trying to be rude but I’ve witness that behaviour in you. I’ve never met their ex’s but I told one her new man is handsome. “How do you know”? She posted him on her new FB page he’s hot and has a fancy sports car. Lol, then I said babe let me call you back mom is on the other line and hung up.
Thought fuel for me😊😊😊
Hm I never considered myself a particularly “positive” person – maybe I was more positive than I thought I was?
It seems to me we can not change our innate characteristics anymore than u can change yours so here’s my positive nature seeking excuses again do u still stand by maintaining no contact or do you think maybe empathy and narcs were made for each other like after some time we can borrow each others traits to become more well rounded there I go again trying to find the good
Empaths not empathy
I actually had the same thought the other day….Searching for the positive, like you are. This is a theory l was toying around with. There’s probably not much truth to it but it was fun to think about nonetheless…I think that empaths and narcissists are two sides of one coin. Our brains are innately more highly attuned to our environment and therefore more sensitive to our surroundings…criticism and so forth. The direction each took was shaped by different reactions/adaptability (or lack of) to our environment/circumstances. Both are likely to have been raised with some type of abuse. Narcissists have difficulty with attachment so they could have been smothered and made to feel controlled and empaths suffer from abandonment issues so they could have been adopted or had parents who were neglectful. As a result, both likely felt that they were not lovable and, therefore, needed to behave differently in order to be loved/seen/understood. Empaths turned to pleasing/giving/loving and their brain continued to develop those attributes. While narcissists hid their identity, shut down emotionally, and masked themselves, further developing those attributes. These were coping mechanisms each formed to help protect themselves from the pain that was inflicted upon them as small, defenseless children. Just different reactions to how they chose to deal with it. Perhaps one of the reasons that narcissists and empaths are drawn to one another is because they subconsciously recognize the other is the flip side of what they could have been. This was a consoling thought for me but l’m doubtful there is much truth to it. It was awakening for me to read this article and see how always reach for the good (this being an example) and how it is detrimental.
Stalemate, I agree with you about the reasons to become a narc or an empath, but I do not agree with your further conclusions. Most narcs do not have difficulties with attachment, they do not attach at all. They do not hide their true self, they never developed it and therefore there is no conscience in most cases. Perhaps there are some rudiments of conscience in some of them, but nothing more.
There is still too much positivity inside of you. I see no conscience if I look at Weinstein, for example.
Nevertheless it depends on the degree of narcissistic traits that they call their own how conscious-less people are..
Mona
Also empaths dont just come from abusive homes. Both empaths and narcs can come from all types of homes and all types of parents.
Correct.
I think there is always something to trigger one of the two extremes …
This “sin” is written ideally.
You narc guys have this “sin” also!
You are so positive about yourselves, your charm, your intelligence, your skills, etc.
You are so positive about your “ones”, especially during idealization phase.
You are so positive about your power.
So, we are in the same positive boat, but we row on different directions. Eeh. Lol.
HG, why would a narc tell me that he likes to feed squirrels (on his balcony)? I mean: why would he do that? But he also told me that his neighbour sent him letters of complaint about feeding them …?
Facade.
Oh. Should have guessed. 😉 Strange though, when he does it when noone’s looking. But the really strange thing is that he is the 2nd narc type guy I know who is feeding squirrels on the balcony … Well, they know what I love.
This posting was a game changer for me…I had not thought of my greatest difficulty in dealing with a narcissist as being my innate (over-the-top) positive nature. But it IS!
I was darn lucky to escape the narcissist’s clutches before there WERE anguished tears. I can now see that my positive nature was driving the narc absolutely banana boats…nothing he did was working on me, so he was driven to begin pumping up devaluation. He just couldn’t get the big negative reactions or “feeling defeated” emotions he wanted from me. Yes, I was mighty confused and frustrated and irritated – but I was not feeling beaten down. I just kept pressing onward, in fairly good spirits – determined and excusing. Dang.
And THIS sentence is a game changer for me: “Negative thoughts, such as fear, manifest to tell you to protect yourself, to defend yourself, and to get away from the danger.”
This *should* have been something I fully knew…but it’s like it was something I was not deeply absorbing. It’s a guilt-relieving statement of truth – and very much a LIGHTBULB MOMENT for me.
Thanks, HG.
You are welcome.
I’m an incredibly positive person – about me and my life – but not about other people. I see reality when I look at the world and those in it. I can look at someone and see that they are stupid and a selfish loser that no one can fix, yet stay positive in my self and my dealing with them.
I think those of us with much positivity can learn to channel it and reap the many benefits of positivity, without letting it blind us to the reality around us. It definitely can lead us into all those traps you mentioned. But experience and learning can teach us how to either avoid them altogether, or recognize when we have becomed mired in one and extricate ourselves. I would never give up my positivity. It is essential to who I am and brings me constant joy and happiness!
I don’t think anyone has ever described me so accurately. I needed this reality check. Thank you!
That last paragraph… that is where I am now. Staying in the light, away from the darkness of your kind.