5 Howling Wildernesses


Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.


38 thoughts on “5 Howling Wildernesses”

  1. If upon meeting the recent ex someone handed this entry to me and said this is the description of the man standing in front of you…I wouldn’t have believed them. It is only going thru the inferno that I am a believer.

    1. After thinking about it what I wrote above is completely inaccurate. It is only after HG told me what the truth is that I’m a believer. I’ve been thru a thousand infernos and still didn’t believe it.

  2. yestarday night in tv the film guilty as sin with don johson and rebecca de mornay.
    i sow what is N.
    really perfect how both of them play the rol
    now i understand

  3. While reading this, I was reminded of a “joking” comment my ex once made, “If I’m suffering, you must suffer too”. Who knew in retrospect that was a hell of a red flag and a piece of insight to how he viewed relationships.

  4. Why are narcs afraid of change?

    Good article.
    HG: I read your article on dirty secrete. Where can I read more about this concept? Is it common to receive proxy hoovers as a dirty secrete that escaped? Why invest so much energy if it is only a secondary source?
    Good writing. well done!

    1. 1. We need to control everything and change threatens control.
      2. Thank you. You may receive proxy hoovers yes. A proxy hoover does not invest much energy.

    1. Patricia~Your comment made me teary…

      I think we learn to make peace with it over time, within our mind, heart and spirit…and that’s something the narcissist can’t really seem to do. So we do have those inner reserves to draw on.

      Sucks that we can’t forget though…it’s a tough thing to learn.

  5. You stated in the last section that your kind will never be held responsible or accountable. Dealing with my soon to be ex husband I have found these words to be so true, however, there is a piece that I believe enables the narcopath to abuse and neglect responsibilities that most fear but do not address. Law, family law. What types of laws do you think the family court could put into place that would protect victims, particularly children, from the abuse. Anything that you think would make the narcopath have to be compliant and accountable?

    1. You can legislate all you like, but if you fail to provide sufficient resources to enforce those laws and allow access to their application it is pointless.

  6. The cold truth of this always makes me think “really, it was all a lie?” I know and believe it was but the con was so convincing.

    On a side note, HG, I was on Amazon choosing which of your books I would get next and underneath where the options are it asks if you want to add this item to your baby registry 😂 I guess that’s a fair question depending on who your husband is.

  7. HG, you scare me. I find your truth and your world to be so dark. How can you possibly enjoy this?

    Nevertheless, my question to you is – do narcissists change within the spectrum? For instance, my soon to be ex-husband had no control of his narcissism. He was very immature and stupid at the beginning. 26 years later, he has a higher level of education (never enough degrees). His latest degree is Law School (JD) -soon to be an attorney. No joke. He is still very cruel and manipulative, but he will never be found out.

    1. Because it is necessary and it entertains me.

      We do not shift schools. There may be a refining of techniques and a honing of effectiveness however.

    1. Unfortunately, that’s probably not that big of a change for a narcissist, JC. If everyone is just a fuel source to them, what difference does it make to them if they change partners? I guess, for us, it’d be like if we have to go to a new place to get gasoline…how much fear would that type of change really cause us?

      It’s a brutal concept that I don’t enjoy knowing. Very hard to absorb.

      1. I would compare it more to trying a new prescription med because the first one is no longer managing your symptoms or providing you with the affects you need.

  8. I am not sure HG, that you are right, that so many of your kind do not know what they do. They do not know that it is called narcissism, but I am pretty sure, they do know . A little bit too much positivity on your side, HG?

    1. You are missing the distinction. They know what they do in terms of what might be said or done, but some fail to see that this causes a problem, some will see it causes a problem but do not care and of course will not accept accountability for that consequence.

      1. I doubt that many of them fail to see that their behaviour causes a problem. I believe most of them do not care and do not accept accountability. I believe that most of them have much more awareness than you think.

        Many of them are proud on their nasty behaviour and that means that they have an awareness.

        But there is no possibility to solve this question. Not for you and not for me.

  9. Reading thru this this time, I am struck by how much this reminds me of the Emperor in the Star Wars saga. That ubermensch mentality often has an ugly ending. I’ll stick to the light side of the force.

      1. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
        – Yoda

      2. Windstorm2 and Superxena

        I believe facing fear overcomes

        Within fear are lies, lies that once were told to them that were repeated internally until they became a belief.

      3. Twilight
        I think you’re right about facing our fears. Certainly hiding from them doesn’t help at all.

      4. There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

        We all have a fear….yet I believe a balance can be found with one that understands this fear. It is a matter of choice.

    1. Hello Windstorm2!
      ” Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” I completely agree with you. As much suffering as the narcissist says that real love sometimes leads to but with a huge difference: real love leads also to fullfilment and constructive inner nourishing, something that hate does not lead to..it just leads to self-destruction

  10. How lonely an existence. Is there any rest ever for you? Can you not ever feel the love for what it is? Unconditional and free? I have been reading your posts and grieve that you feel this. My ex,as much as I still love him, follows your every word and has been exposed by you and your articles. Is there any hope that anything can change? I want to be his but the danger to me is too much. If I knew he could get help and actually change I’d be with him in a heartbeat. It’s sad that even after recognizing who and what he is I still want him.

    1. No, hope is there to mislead you. Your reaction is common, understandable and your emotional thinking trying to con your core.

  11. ….this is a new article for me. I will have to read it several times. The (cruel) message conveyed in a harsh but true way. First reaction: it makes me wonder if this applies to all the narcissists….

      1. Hello J,
        Thank you for your answer. The article is “new” for me but not the concepts. I perfectly know these “core” principles. Thank you for your reminder. I think I needed it..

  12. Hi HG,

    The only time I got any kind of understanding that she may have some kind of understanding of what she does was when she was drunk. She would also slip up and give bits of information. Not sure if this is normal but then nothing she did was normal. I used to enjoy her getting drunk at times so I would get pieces of the puzzle. Of course I pretty much knew what the deal was

  13. This really sums up anything and everything we could ever want to know it’s heartbreaking to read but it’s absolute in its certainty it’s everything I don’t want to believe or accept but must accept I will have to read this over and over and over again till it sinks in emotionally not just intellectually

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