Little Acons – No. 2
A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child result in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.
52 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 2”
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HG, was your father a codependent, an empath or a “normal”?
An empath.
What kind of Empath was he?
Standard.
After I realized the shit that my husband had put my stepson through, I apologized for not protecting him better. He said he knew his dad was that way, but he used to get angry at me for not figuring it out, and for just believing the BS my narc told me. He also told me to quit apologizing for other people and things I never did.He said it was irritating and hurtful to myself and others.
HG …your dad wasnt codependant on your mother?
No.
Wow im surprised. Of course i didnt know him but from how you described him he sounded intimidated by your mother and went along with what she wanted. He sounded like he wouldnt stand up to her and needed to keep the peace.
HG – I understand now that “asshole” is misleading, and certainly incomplete. It was all I knew, growing up, and that other people called him that as well. Including his own siblings. My mother never defended or protected us from him. There was no warmth or emotion there, either. Maybe she was afraid to. Or now I’m wondering if maybe she’s one too. Did you get any warmth or protection from your Father? I don’t recall reading anything about him.
No, I was not protected. He deemed I was capable of doing so myself – ultimately that turned out to be correct.
By developing NPD, HG. Not the ideal way to protect onesef, in my opinion. But I know you are satisfied with yourself and what you have become. Although, you are trying to avoid going to jail… Hmmmm.
HG, I know NPD was probably the only way you had to survive. I did not mean to criticize you in my previous comment. It was more against your dad. Although, he probably did not know anything about NPD and how to handle your mother.
Understood.
Oh. It turned my stick face into an obnoxious yellow blob. #fml
Liars I suspect. Family. 🙂
Hey HG…I’ve noticed that in a number of posts you say that you became a narcissist and kind of subconsciously chose it at a certain point in your childhood, but in just as many others you describe how you never felt love, joy, connection, etc. So, uh…which is it? Were you born a narcissist or did you become one? Or is it that you were born a psychopath and became narcissistic to boot because of your childhood? Or are you still deciding that yourself?
I am told by others that I once experienced happiness et al. I do not recall. I can see pictures of moments in the past but I feel nothing. I had a genetic predisposition which was layered by my treatment as a child. The response was that I have become. I do recall recognising that responding in a certain way made me feel better and stronger. I witnessed how my mother treated people and marvelled at what it caused, so I chose to replicate that. I now understand that I had already been doing this subconsciously anyway but I positively addressed this behaviour because I saw how it benefitted me. This is why it is so entrenched.
Who told you, that you experienced happiness? Relatives or the good doctors?
Liars I suspect. Family.
Narcs are not born so. I don’t know if they are specifically liars, but I do believe there might be a chance that, before the damage was done, you did feel some positive emotions before they were squashed and repressed. I wonder if, going back far enough, you might even remember one day. It could be an interesting experience.
Tine to build a time machine I suppose.
The Pianist,
This whole conversation was like a whack upside the head with a baseball bat.
“Irrelevant stories about how they babysit their siblings in infancy”
I thought, “but I did babysit my sister when I was 5” I just pictured this memory, An adult was with us. My father/sperm donor. He just couldn’t be bothered or would yell when she cried. So I would try to soothe her. There was no way I could change her diaper, but I didn’t bother him about it, unless she was smelly. Then he would go take her to the elderly neighbor, claiming that he had no idea how to do this. They were cloths and pins back then.
I just realized my father and his mother are narcs!
I used to think he was wonderful, because when he did pay attention to me, I was his Golden Tomboy. then he would ignore us even when he was supposed to be watching us while Mom worked. And would just start fights with mom all the time when she was home.
They divorced when I was still 5. He did the disappearing act for years, even though he immediately married my aunt.
My mom would not badmouth him to us. Eventually he did want to see us, and my mom encouraged it. By then he had 2 boys by my aunt. He would rant on about how terrible we had become, and we would never have gotten away with all our crap if he had raised us. (he never financially supported us even though he was an iron worker and refused to let my pop adopt us)
I never thought I could hate someone so much who I was supposed to love
@persephoneascending1
All that is typical of all the narcs,, my mom is a Lesser narc and my dad is a Mid-Range narc.
Mom would burst with fury if she didn’t like someone refusing her, while dad was more covert(pretending to support).
My mom would tell stories about how she was the eldest of her siblings and how she took care of her siblings while her mom(my grandma) was sick; but NEVER, I mean NEVER taught me anything as a child,,
Need proof? She NEVER was there for me, and NEVER gave me emotional support, or taught me how to do basic stuff. I remember at age 7, I had a bathroom accident in my aunt’s homecoming event, and her anger was ignited like a typical Lesser Narc. (I remember asking everyone that day where the bathroom was, since the house was newly constructed.)
She even admitted recently that she needed someone else to toilet train me :/
Even when a relative accused me of something, she would take their side and let them emotionally abuse me.
And coming to my dad, dad never supported me when it came to other people insulting me for no reason. He would either shut up like a coward or add fuel to the fire to get attention.
I’m 22 now, and he treats me like I’m 2(which is pathetic!) and he doesn’t give me money for basic necessities.
So the endgame(conclusion) is that,, all these narc parents marry late and marry for namesake . Meaning, they don’t marry for love, they only marry to project a perfect image to outsiders to improve their image. It’s all about “me, me, me!” to the narc
I’m so sad at what you went through. I have noticed that the narcs like to cause(not help) then draw embarrassing attention to “bathroom” accidents. I actually had a cruel teacher, who, when told I REALLY needed to use the restroom, made me stand in front of the class and give my book report before being allowed to go. I had to stand there while I wet myself, then she angrily sent me to the front office instead, that I could return to class when I was mature enough to get control over my bodily functions. (I was 9). My granma just said “Stop whining! that ain’t the worst thing that’s gonna happen in your life.” The she laughs while recounting this to my cousin, a teenager. I could see him cringing but he never said boo to her about it.
@persephoneascending1
Narcs get worse with age, I guess your grandma and the teacher are malignant narcissists, and malignant narcs get worse with age. Much worse.
And oh, I went through so much more,
I remember when I was 9, I asked my mom to come to my parent-teachers meeting in school and she NEVER turned up.
Even though some parents didn’t turn up that day, they eventually did turn up the next day.
My mom was the ONLY parent that never turned up, and the teacher kept insulting me in front of the whole class for my mom not turning up, she said that I’m not responsible and stuff.
I begged my mom so much to come, and she broke my promise to me. So yeah, narc parents are nothing but egg donors and sperm donors.
I know that’s really really harsh, but they deserve to be called that, cuz they’ve done unforgivable things to us.
Even to cope with the stress that trauma brings, the brain has it’s limits. Why do u think excessive amount of trauma leads to C-PTSD?
Even the brain has to reorder itself constantly to cope with the trauma.
I just WISH I could be scapegoated from my house, or get a chance to leave the country.
If that happened I’ll be the happiest person!
HG- can a MR narc’s primary source be their parent if they don’t live with them. My ex girlfriend lives 3 hours away from her mom but I think her narc mom is her primary source.
It is usually the case they reside with them, but not always, if they live in close proximity and have frequent interaction. 3 hours distance would not support her mother being the primary source.
HG/ALL– i do not recommend living with them. blech blech bech. but it was my hatch post escape. and i didnt know jac s*** about narc until i AFTER left him. 30 days of shelter. then to matri-narc. ick. but i think it is all falling into place. SEEING it all for what it is. narcs keep falling like dominoes.
KYLE– both my brother and i live within 3 hours. of matrinarc. my father died last year. major supply dried up. so she revved up. it is weird to see this constellation now for what it is. they will do what they can. thanku thanku thanku HG.
It is the children’s duty to maintain and embellish the facade. Grades, sports, friends, volunteering… silence.
Its your duty to put up with my abuse
“It’s your duty” too ok another form: as my mother loved to say “You aren’t pulling your weight”.
We were expected to “do our share”, and made to feel like a burden if we didn’t reach expectations or do what we were supposed to. It’s one thing to ask children for help in the house, but “you aren’t pulling your weight” and other such comments made us feel like we were a burden, just lodgers or freeloaders, even as children.
And narc moms pretending to not have money, and gaslighting daughters by saying “STOP WASTING YOUR DAD’S MONEY!!!”
Narcissist Parent Quotes-
“It’s your duty to take care of things, nobody will be at your beck and call!”
“It’s all your fault(for my mistake)”
“How dare you talk to me that way?!”
“Whore! How dare you talk to that guy/girl!”
“I’ve done so much for you, and this is how you repay me?!”
“You can never be perfect! I’m perfect!”
“Go die somewhere!”
“I HATE YOU!”
“I’ll put fire on you and kill you!”
“Can’t you carry yourself?”
“You have to do the degree that I choose for you or I’ll tell my mom that you aren’t listening to me!”
“You should listen to mummy….!”
And the list goes on,,,
Let me add on to that:
“When I was your age I was better in every single way” (insert impossible stories of things they allegedly did, such as babysitting others when they were still only 4 years old, or marching for 3 hours through 5 feet of snow to get to school…)
“You’re such an ungrateful bitch”
“It’s just not good enough”
“Your feelings are irrelevant”
“No frowning, no crying, SMILE RIGHT NOW.” (I still find myself repressing sadness and smiling when I’m crying inside)
“I’m always right”
“I accept criticism….But your opinion is wrong and irrelevant”
“I don’t think I’m always right…I just am.”
“Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You deserve better. Dump him/her” (especially if it’s a good, healthy relationship
“Nobody will love you like I do”
“I’m the best at everything”
My mothers a narcissist and altho shes been emotinally abusive shes not said some if the things other narc parents have. I shake my head at the awful things said from these parents. I cant imagine saying those to my children. I hate you is one of the worst 🙁
Same thing with all these narc parents,
Irrelevant stories about how they babysit their siblings in infancy is all a made up story by them, to make us EMPATHS feel TERRIBLE. Extremely relatable!
“Your feelings are irrelevant” hits the bullseye! After saying that, they utter shit to gaslight and make their escape; leaving us to feel miserable.
“I’m the best at everything” reminds me of my Lesser narc mom competing with me, cuz she can’t deal with someone being better than her.
In fact, everything on the list is relatable!
Words cannot describe the wickedness of narc parents,,
🙁
Wow Erin, I didn’t realize my father WAS a Narc until right now. Thought he was just an asshole. He had said most of the things you just wrote. He was physically abusive too, so I would often just clench my jaw and squeeze my hands into fists until I could escape. He would get me so furious and then MAKE me unclench my fists and smile and say I loved him before I could get away. Those words were like poison in my mouth. I would rather he just beat me.
Asshole is an understandable but misleading description of behaviour which is disordered and its use results in people failing to realise the reality of the problem.
Hi the pianist…did your mother say those things to you? Very harsh 🙁
Hello narc affair,
Yes, of course she did! She even spit on me when I called her out on her bad behavior, and she has NEVER apologized for the bad things that she has said or done,
Now in the “golden period” that she established, she’s casually gaslighting me and making me question my reality.
She established the “golden period” now bcuz she wants my money.
So cheap of her!
Hi pianist…im so sorry your mother did those things to you 🙁 you know ive felt awful about my relationship with my mother over the years but when i hear stories like yours my heart breaks further. I cant imagine saying or doing those things to my children. You deserve so much more in life. Dont let her gaslight you and know what shes done to you is very much real. Write it down for validation and as a reminder of what shes done.
@narc affair
Yes, she overhears my conversations when I talk to a friend on the phone, when I’m in my room. She does all the wrong and pings it on me.
But it’s a swell idea, that I write down the bad things that she’s done for validation.
Thanks for the idea 🙂
HG, did MatriNarc have any influence in your decisions about the kind of studies you did and the direction you took in your professional career? Did she orient you already during your childhood towards what you became, professionally speaking?
Thanks
Yes with studies when younger, no with regard to my professional career.
Thanks HG
HG does your Mother approve of your professional career choice? Xxx
She doesn’t know what it is.
HG,
How could your Matrinarc not know your choice of career? Are you alienated? I though from your writing that she was still wrecking havoc with your life? Have you seized the power? I hope so as you certainly deserve it! 🙂
See earlier answer.
Ok, so you are either a lot younger than I thought you were, or you are very good at masking your profession to your mother. Doesn’t that lack of knowledge (hence control) in regards to your career drive her nuts?
If so, her frustration should count as fuel, right?
Dynamics between narcs, especially if one of the two helped cause the narcissism in the other, is a very dark world, I wager.
She thinks I do ‘x’ for a profession. I do ‘y’ and ‘z’, sometimes ‘a’,’b’ or ‘c’.