The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement
You have been dis-engaged from. The all too inevitable entanglement with our kind. Whether we disappeared without a word, told you we needed space for ourselves or hurled insults at you as to why we hated you and wanted you to drop dead, the fact remains you have been dis-engaged from. Your emotions are raw as this event was only a couple of weeks ago.
To exacerbate this unpleasant, bewildering and upsetting situation you know that we have a new love interest. With what seemed to you to be unnatural haste, we have been seen with a new lady on our arm, your stalking of our Facebook profile reveals we have a new boyfriend from the plethora of loved-up comments and repeated pictures of us arm in arm, grinning out at you as if we are revelling in your misery. You have not yet ascertained that as we devalued you, your replacement was being seduced and to all intents and purposes we appear to have dumped you and secured another partner in the blink of an eye. How could we do this? After all the things we said to you and all the deep and unwavering love that you have showed us, how could we be so uncaring, so nasty, such a downright bastard?
Your head is a whirlwind of questions? Why did he end things? Why did she do it that way? Who is the new person? What if they are happy together forever? What did you do wrong? What about sorting out those joint financial commitments? Could you have done something differently? Is there a chance of working things out? How can someone change like that? These questions and hundreds more torment you and it becomes unbearable. You need to talk to us. You alternate between hurt and angry, shifting between wanting to plead with us for another chance and then wanting to kick us in the balls. Most of all however, you want answers.
What then will happen if you decide to approach us during the aftermath? What reaction will you be met with if you send a message asking for answers to your questions or if you turn up somewhere to meet us in person for the purpose of obtaining some explanations? Naturally, at this juncture, undoubtedly unaware of who you have been entangled with, you do not know that you will not be given those answers. In part this is because there are no answers to give – why should we deign to answer you and do something that you want? Furthermore, many times we just do not have an answer because of the different perspective from which we operate. Add to that we will purposefully avoid giving you answers in order to keep you primed for a later hoover, to draw fuel from you and to frustrate you also.
As you may imagine, the reaction of our kind to being contacted during the initial aftermath of the dis-engagement will vary dependent on the school of narcissist that you have been dealing with. Before that is addressed, you should be aware of our general mind set at this time. You failed us. You may not have done anything wrong from your perspective but we regard you as having failed us and this led to our fuel needs being sought elsewhere and once they were secured, you were dis-engagement from. This is the most common reason for being discarded; we found a new primary source and once we were satisfied that this person was embedded, then we tossed you to one side. There are other reasons why you are discarded (see 5 Reasons We Discard You ) but the fact we have a new primary source embedded is the most common one.
When that happens we are infatuated with the new primary source. You are effectively forgotten about. You were once idealised, then you were demonised and now it is as if you do not exist because we have someone new and exciting to focus on. We do not want anything spoiling this golden period least of all the last appliance which failed us and malfunctioned and had to be placed on the scrap heap. Accordingly, if you make an appearance in some way by entering a sphere of influence (The Spheres of Influence) then our reaction will be based on you being persona non grata and if you persist our view of you is one of antipathy, dislike and you are painted black.
Turning to the three schools of narcissism for their nuanced response to your appearance.
The Lesser
There is a good chance that the Lesser will have blocked you from social media and contacting him as part of him considering you effectively dead to him. If he has not done so and you send a message it will be ignored. He has no interest in drawing fuel from you at this point, someone else is servicing his fuel needs and you are just an irritant. If you persist in ringing or sending messages you can expect the following responses:-
“Stop ringing me I hate you.”
“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
“Fuck off.”
“Keep contacting me and I will come down there and give you a kicking.”
The message is clear; you are unwelcome and the Lesser Narcissist wants nothing to do with you.
If you see the Lesser Narcissist and try to talk to him, he will evade you, tell you where to go and make a hasty retreat. He is not interested in you and if you try to stop him you can expect a savage verbal assault or even a physical assault as he wants you to leave him alone so he can concentrate on his new primary source. He has nothing to discuss with you, has no interest in fuel from you at this point and would prefer you to be dead.
The Mid-Ranger
If you are attempting to contact the Mid-Ranger through messages and telephoning you will also be ignored initially. If you persist in trying to make contact with him or her for the purposes of getting some answers, you can expect the following responses:-
“Leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you.”
“Stop stalking me.”
“Keep this up and I am informing the police.”
“Just stop, it is over, you have to accept it.”
The paranoia of the Mid-Ranger will mean that he is concerned you will wreck things with his new primary source by telling lies (the truth) about him. Whilst you’re contacting him, he will be showing the new primary source that you are pestering him to accord with the smearing you will have already received. This smearing will continue as you are painted as an obsessive who will not let go, a stalker with mental health issues and a bunny boiler who cannot accept the relationship is over. The new primary source, the façade, the coterie and the Lieutenants will all be told about this ongoing behaviour (suitably embellished) so you are regarded as crazy and out of order. The Mid-Ranger thus preserves the façade and creates a toxic environment so if you do manage to see him or her face to face, you will not be believed and seen as trouble maker.
If an in person encounter takes place, you can expect the Mid-Ranger to want to get the hell out of there. He is preoccupied with the new primary source, he does not want you spoiling that arrangement and wants you to disappear. Lacking the aggression of the Lesser, he will wheel out Lieutenants to make you go away, threaten the use of law enforcement and appeal to others to see exactly why he needed to get rid of you in the first place. He also does not want fuel from you, he just wants you to clear off and leave him to get on with his new play thing unhindered.
The Greater
It is the Greater who welcomes you foolishly getting in touch during his new golden period with the replacement primary source. Suitably confident of his abilities and this new entranced primary source, if you begin to message him, he will seize on this chance to triangulate you with the new primary source, to punish you for failing him and to manipulate you further.
Your text messages and calls will be met with a friendly and amenable response. All the while, the Greater, already having smeared you left, right and centre, will be revelling in you trying to broker a meet-up in order to talk. He will be telling the façade and coterie that he feels sorry for you, that he needs to humour you so you don’t do anything crazy and thus paints himself as the good guy to all those watching. His responses will be along the lines of:-
“Good to hear from you, I hope you are well, what do you want to talk about?”
(What he really means is, good to hear from you because I can manipulate you, I know you aren’t well but what do I care, make me feel special by telling me what you want to talk about.)
“Well, yes we can meet-up but you do know I am with someone else now don’t you, so don’t get any ideas okay?”
“I don’t really see what there is to talk about, but I am willing to listen, I am reasonable.”
“Yes okay we can meet up if it will help you deal with what has happened.”
This apparent caring attitude and pleasantness is all fake. You are being strung along.
When you do meet the Greater, you can expect the new primary source to be there to add to your humiliation as the Greater looks lovingly at her, says good things about her and then when she goes to get a drink, the Greater will lean across the table and snarl at you for having the audacity to get in touch.
If the new primary source is not brought along, the Greater will toy with you, like a cat with a mouse. Letting you speak, enjoying the fuel as you plead, cry and become angry with him or her. He will feign dismay at your behaviour whilst inside he is laughing at you, pleased with this further boost of fuel, supremely confident that you cannot wreck his new golden period because you have been smeared and character assassinated to a figurative death. Nobody is going to believe you and therefore he is not going to pass up the chance to draw fuel from you, both positive and negative once again. He of the three is the one who is content to respond and meet with you, not that it will get you anywhere at all.
Tempting as it is to want to contact the narcissist when you have been dis-engaged from and he is in a new golden period, you will get nowhere. He has someone new now and wants to focus on her. You are an irritant, an annoyance, a reminder of failure or in the case of the Greater something to toy with further for the purpose of gaining fuel. Instead, use the period whilst the narcissist is distracted with his new plaything to build your defences, gain understanding and prepare for the hoovers which will be following down the line.
19 thoughts on “The Immediate Aftermath of Disengagement”
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Ok confused, HG I hope you can help me. I would like to have some answers.
I will be short. I think, I have been dealing with a mid-range narcissist / sociopath, but I’m not sure. I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 2 years. I got manipulated, lied to, betrayed and he blocked me from all communication.
He told me lies for 2 years – telling me he would get a divorce. Till a point I snapped (because my instinct told me he was lying). I made the decision to go to his house to tell his wife and from that point everything collapsed. I found out that his wife was 6 months pregnant with their second child (all planned from the beginning). I did not know this, I found out myself on social media. He never bothered to tell me this himself and he was still intimate with me at the same time telling me he didn’t want to lose me etc. etc.
Told me he wanted to have a future with me bla bla. Even after finding out about the pregnancy.
I went to his house and confronted him. The wife didn’t want to talk to me. He blocked me after this happened. I called the next morning, he told me it was over and I should stop with the stalking. I didn’t get any explaination. He told me: I choose for my wife and kid. If you ever try to hurt or threaten one of them, you have a problem. Stop the calling, stop contacting me, blocked me right a way.
I was crushed. Tried to communicate a few times. Did not get any reaction, I was ignored. I told the whole story to someone close to me, who also snapped. We went to his work (my ex-work) to confront him. He actually was my ex-boss. It all collapsed their, told his boss all about the affaire. He then got a warning after this. He told his boss that it was a mistake and again said: I choose for my wife and kid. So, he got a little exposure their. I still tried to communicate, but no response. He got a warning, but still kept his job.
I was blocked, but he unblocked me after the warning, waited for a response and then blocked me again (I said something emotional).
Ok.. so two weeks later, I got a call from his boss saying that HE got fired instantly because of another report from a mother of a 17 year old that he tried to seduce or he was now after this girl (under age) since November-January.
So long story short:
– A pregnant wife at home
– Me on the side
– And also busy with the seduction of a 17 year old. Who didn’t want this at all.
– And maybe more I don’t know, but it doesn’t suprise me at all.
So, I found out about the 17 year old and confronted him (with a different number) and for the first time in 8 weeks, I got a response saying. Leave me alone, last time, I lost everything. My wife knows about everything and then blocked me again. So again no communication, but more manipulation and pity play.
So I was done with this shit and I went for contact with the mother of his wife to exposeeee the fuck out of him. But ofcourse they believe him and I got a “restraining order” from HIM after communication with the mother of his wife, who I think believes him ofcourse. I found out that the restraining order is fake and took the last word by sending one more last message to the mother of his wife saying: I dont have any interest in contact with someone who sexually used me and nice fake restraining order. I wouldn’t try that again if I were you. So, no more response. The mother of his wife actually asked me if I wanted him back after saying what he did to me. So I KNOW that he made up a story about me stalking him. They know absolutely nothingggg. Makes me cry and laugh at the same time.
So, I think i’m blocked forever.
OR is he still coming out to play..
Cause I think I know who I’m dealing with now. But he doesn’t know, I know. He knows that I know about the 17 year old and he knows that I know all about the lies. But he wants absolutely NO contact.
Oh and btw, I told him since January – leave me alone, just stop. But he said NO, please please I beg you, i’m working on it. Their will be a divorce. I love you please please with tears in his eyes. Saying that he just found out about the pregnancy since a month, which is a lie cause he told it with 8 weeks at work to an ex-colleague of mine.
And more pity play such as:
– My dad is in the hospital because of a cerebral infarction.
– The cancer is back (my mother).
– And my kid got heart problems.
Lies lies and more lies.
So I’m very very interested in what you have to say HG Tudor. Enlighten me.
A matter such as this is best addressed through consultation.
HG, how long does it take to receive a response via email or book phone consult?
If you make payment forthwith, I respond to that to make arrangements pretty quickly (less quick if it happens whilst I am asleep!) .
“Stop sending me messages, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
That’s almost the word-for-word response I got from my narcissist some days ago, after an email I sent that he perceived to be a criticism from me. I was a dis-engaged NISS and he had a few days before sent to me as a gift an ebook copy of his new book and asked me to tell him what I thought about it. I had ended my volunteer work relationship with him in July and he had sent me some “feeler” messages in October. We got back in contact in early December when I emailed him to ask something about his new book (I shouldn’t have, I know).
In any case, it’s over now and I’m still processing it.
Thankfully, I strongly doubt he will contact me again after what he said since I was a NISS. He’s blocked from my Gmail, though, just in case. So at this point my goal is to recover and learn about narcissistic behavior to avoid being ensnared by other narcissistic types in the future.
This narcissist seems to be a lesser although he is very successful and well known.
I’ve had a message like that – word for word!
Thank you for your reply, Amber. This message, and my remembering the message I wrote in December that you have now responded to, came at a timely point because he’s come back and I recently engaged him amicably – – I shouldn’t have.
This is a reminder and a confirmation of my gut feeling that I am much happier without him and I don’t want him back in my life. It took me a decent amount of grieving and processing to get to the much happier place where I am now and I’m not going to ruin in by allowing him back in any way.
Thank you.
I have for a long time. Its not the no interest in sex that bugs me as much as not knowing what his intentions are. His whole dynamic changed. Which is the confusing part, but I think Hg is right. I switched to NISS. He knows I wont comply as he wants with an ipps. Hes a lesser lower mid range so he doesnt have many close friends but many associates, so he bribes me to stay connected or manipulates me. Its such bs. Time for no contact completely unless through emails about our daughter. I was always happiest that way anyway.
Hg I m baffled at my ex narcs behavior, I usually can understand hat he says and does but not recently. Lately he wants to hang out often but he doesnt ever want to have sex. Or any kind of intimacy. Am I now a non intimate secondary source. Im not sure his intentions.
It may be
1. You are the IPPS in devaluation – hence withdrawal of sex.
2. You are the IPSS and this is a Corrective Devaluation by removing sex.
3. You are now a NISS.
You write that he wants to hang out, so that suggests you are unlikely to be the IPPS. So it will 2 or 3.
We were together off and on for 21 yrs. Has a child together. Why would he go threw such extrems and manipulations, just to have me a part of his life. We broke up a yr ago. If were around his friends, because he offered to pay me for help he needed, he talks to me like im his gf until I call him out on it. He doesnt act like that when theyre not around but dailey will stop bye at lunch or anything just to have daily interaction. Is it just he wants to make sure the fuel line is their but doesnt want a former relationship. He never has a gf that i know of but if I date he pulls up the manipulations hard. To the point I stop because I dont want them getting hurt.
Treat him like a chair or a table or a lamp – watch how fast he will show sexual interest again. Talk to him the way you would talk to a girlfriend. My point is those things I mentioned in the first sentence have no sex appeal they are blah. No flirting…
They get so confused they don’t know what to do Lmao.
The charm, the kind of triangulation, the inherent nastiness, all that is part of my narc. But until now he does not belong to the highly successful part of the society. He needs successful women to fulfill his will to be seen as a successful member of society.
He himself was not able to pass any necessary or important exam except the driver licence. He could have been successful through work. He was not. He only trusted his family to support him with money.
He is lazy, was lazy and will be lazy until the end of his life. He would have been the eternal son of a successful family unless his father failed. He lost his wealth.
I see that it is likely that such a kind of person will be successful, but it is not a necessary indicator to be a Greater, if you describe his manipulative and evil behaviour. (my own opinion and observation). I see this kind of behaviour separated from success.
I guess I have been disengaged because I just got blocked from social media about 30 min ago. I called him out on being with another girl but I’m the crazy psycho with trust issues….whatever. We’ve played this song and dance so many times I don’t even care anymore. He’ll be back and if he doesn’t come back then I’m finally free.
I’ll probably be a mess tomorrow but tonight I feel nothing. Regardless of how I feel I will not text. I’ve learned trying to contact him prolongs the silence. He gets too much pleasure from me begging him to reply. When I don’t get a hold of him eventually it drives him crazy and he reaches out to me….yes it’s like I’m back in high school!
I hope he sets me free this time
He won’t set you free. You have to set yourself free.
I know HG. I am much stronger thanks to your writings and the experiences of your followers. Thank you.
Seize the power, Mercy.
I texted like an insane madwoman at first. He hadn’t let me in on his departure. Lots of “what’s wrong?” “are you okay, honey?” did I do something?” “why won’t you speak to me?” A litany of esteem raising questions.
About every 5th text he would respond by saying he was in a trial or stuck in depositions. Overwhelmed by work. No direct answers. He responded once by saying he could text me back on day 17 of that month. So humiliating. It’s brutal. It’s like going to the doctor and being desperate for a diagnosis but they can’t find what’s wrong. Eventually you don’t care if the diagnosis is bad because you just want a definitive answer. The not knowing is the hardest part.
Ok confused, HG I hope you can help me. I would like to have some answers.
I will be short. I think, I have been dealing with a mid-range narcissist / sociopath, but I’m not sure. I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 2 years. I got manipulated, lied to, betrayed and he blocked me from all communication.
He told me lies for 2 years – telling me he would get a divorce. Till a point I snapped (because my instinct told me he was lying). I made the decision to go to his house to tell his wife and from that point everything collapsed. I found out that his wife was 6 months pregnant with their second child (all planned from the beginning). I did not know this, I found out myself on social media. He never bothered to tell me this himself and he was still intimate with me at the same time telling me he didn’t want to lose me etc. etc.
Told me he wanted to have a future with me bla bla. Even after finding out about the pregnancy.
I went to his house and confronted him. The wife didn’t want to talk to me. He blocked me after this happened. I called the next morning, he told me it was over and I should stop with the stalking. I didn’t get any explaination. He told me: I choose for my wife and kid. If you ever try to hurt or threaten one of them, you have a problem. Stop the calling, stop contacting me, blocked me right a way.
I was crushed. Tried to communicate a few times. Did not get any reaction, I was ignored. I told the whole story to someone close to me, who also snapped. We went to his work (my ex-work) to confront him. He actually was my ex-boss. It all collapsed their, told his boss all about the affaire. He then got a warning after this. He told his boss that it was a mistake and again said: I choose for my wife and kid. So, he got a little exposure their. I still tried to communicate, but no response. He got a warning, but still kept his job.
I was blocked, but he unblocked me after the warning, waited for a response and then blocked me again (I said something emotional).
Ok.. so two weeks later, I got a call from his boss saying that HE got fired instantly because of another report from a mother of a 17 year old that he tried to seduce or he was now after this girl (under age) since November-January.
So long story short:
– A pregnant wife at home
– Me on the side
– And also busy with the seduction of a 17 year old. Who didn’t want this at all.
– And maybe more I don’t know, but it doesn’t suprise me at all.
So, I found out about the 17 year old and confronted him (with a different number) and for the first time in 8 weeks, I got a response saying. Leave me alone, last time, I lost everything. My wife knows about everything and then blocked me again. So again no communication, but more manipulation and pity play.
So I was done with this shit and I went for contact with the mother of his wife to exposeeee the fuck out of him. But ofcourse they believe him and I got a “restraining order” from HIM after communication with the mother of his wife, who I think believes him ofcourse. I found out that the restraining order is fake and took the last word by sending one more last message to the mother of his wife saying: I dont have any interest in contact with someone who sexually used me and nice fake restraining order. I wouldn’t try that again if I were you. So, no more response. The mother of his wife actually asked me if I wanted him back after saying what he did to me. So I KNOW that he made up a story about me stalking him. They know absolutely nothingggg. Makes me cry and laugh at the same time.
So, I think i’m blocked forever.
OR is he still coming out to play..
Cause I think I know who I’m dealing with now. But he doesn’t know, I know. He knows that I know about the 17 year old and he knows that I know all about the lies. But he wants absolutely NO contact.
Oh and btw, I told him since January – leave me alone, just stop. But he said NO, please please I beg you, i’m working on it. Their will be a divorce. I love you please please with tears in his eyes. Saying that he just found out about the pregnancy since a month, which is a lie cause he told it with 8 weeks at work to an ex-colleague of mine.
And more pity play such as:
– My dad is in the hospital because of a cerebral infarction.
– The cancer is back (my mother).
– And my kid got heart problems.
Lies lies and more lies.
So I’m very very interested in what you have to say HG Tudor. Enlighten me.