Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages?
During your seduction if we were not bombarding you with those delicious text messages complimenting you, inviting you out and describing what we would like to do to you in bed that night, then when you answered us you would invariably receive a lightning quick response. This is all part of the conditioning which is part of the seduction see Message Hook .Even if we were driving we managed to rattle off a reply, during a meeting there would be a surreptitious response texted from underneath the desk or boardroom table and what about those late night messages which made you smile and think about us? Yes, we were ensconced in our bolt hole be it the study or a silent trip to the bathroom or even we lay in bed texting you as the outgoing primary source slept beside us oblivious to what was going on. Heady and exciting times indeed.
All of that has now changed. You send a text and there is no response. You send another. No answer. You issue another text. Still no reply. You know of no reason why we cannot respond, in fact you checked we would be around this morning and we said that we would. We used to answer at any time. Your pleasant enquiries soon take on the tone of concern, irritation, hurt and anger as every time you send one there is no response from us. Why does this happen?
There are a number of factors involved in our behaviour when we are not answering your text messages and this includes what type of appliance you are, the stage you are in during the narcissistic cycle and what school of narcissist that you are dealing with.
The Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”)
The most likely form of appliance which asks the question as to why he or she is not replying to the text messages.
Seduction
It is extremely rare for us not to answer your text messages during seduction. As I have described above, anytime, anyplace and anywhere we will be looking to text you and respond to your messages as part of the love-bombing seduction. It is worth pointing out that this period is not the initial stages of the seduction (you will be an Intimate Partner Secondary Source or Non-Intimate (so far) Secondary Source at that stage, but rather as the seduction has progressed and we have made you our primary source, we continue to embed and bind you to us as part of the golden period. We want to receive your glorious positive fuel and our ‘phone will be about our person as we are loving, caring and attentive. If we do not reply during seduction it is probably because we are grappling an alligator and cannot reach the ‘phone or we have been kidnapped and our hands and feet are tied and our head restrained so we cannot prod the ‘phone with our nose. Yes, it needs to be that extreme to stop us from answering during seduction.
Devaluation
This is where the failure to reply to you is deliberate. We invariably know that you are messaging us because we are rarely without our ‘phone which is the mission control of our operations.
We may have our ‘phone in our pocket and the repeated buzz as you message us is felt. We may look once to confirm that it is you trying to get in touch with us and then we deposit the ‘phone away once again. This is because we are busy seducing somebody else, busy gaining fuel from another source. It does not have to necessarily be somebody who we are trying to bed or recruit to become the new primary source. It might be our inner circle secondary source friends who were are drinking with and thus we are triangulating you with them. They do not know you are messaging, but we do. Accordingly, we gain fuel from the proximity of our inner circle friends whilst the repeated vibration of the ‘phone gives us Thought Fuel as we envisage you becoming more and more frustrated with our failure to answer you.
Alternatively, our ‘phone will be on display. We might be on our own, watching a film, wanting to stay away from you as we dole out this silent treatment. We may alternatively be with other people. Those other people could be inner or outer circle friends, it could be a secondary source which we are busy seducing in order to recruit them as your replacement. We have the ‘phone on display so we can see that it is you who is messaging us and we can see all or part of your messages. This enables us to gain fuel from seeing the emotional content of your messages as you plead with us, insult us, exhibit hurt or concern. If we are alone, giving you a silent treatment from some bolt hole, we gain fuel and feel our power reinforced. If we are with other people they may see your name keep flashing up and even be able to see part of the message. This provides us with an opportunity to gain extra fuel from the reactions of those who are with us. If the people indicate they have seen the message or pass comment we will reply:-
“See what I mean about her trying to spoil my nights out with you guys, she is such a control freak.”
“What can I say dudes? She is just totally obsessed with me, but who can blame her?”
“Who is Rachel? Oh that’s some obsessive ex. Don’t worry about her, she does this all the time. I don’t block her because then she would start stalking me in person again, it is easier to let the ‘phone take the strain.”
“Who is Emma? This is the nutjob I am trying to finish with and as you can see she won’t let go. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about her, tell me more about your favourite films and let me get you another drink.”
“Who is Joanne? I dated her a couple of times. As you can tell she is rather keen on me by how often she is messaging me.”
Thus you are often smeared to the other appliances and their reactions provide fuel. It is also done to encourage the prospective replacement to work harder to gain our attention as per the final comment above.
You receive a silent treatment through our failure to respond, we gain fuel from seeing your messages and if we are triangulating you we will gain fuel from the other appliance or appliances that we are with. It is all calculated.
There may be occasions where we will purposefully read the messages. This is not only done to derive fuel from them but is carried out where we know you will know that we have read the message. We can envisage you getting more and more worked up as you know we are reading but clearly not replying. This provides further fuel and allows our devaluation of you to be made loud and clear to you.
When we do eventually reply be it hours or days later it is done to gather more fuel from you. Invariably your response is one of relief and delight that we have got in touch and we receive a blast of positive fuel. If it is hurt or anger then we receive negative fuel instead. We may not give you any explanation as to why we have not responded deeming you not worthy of one, such is our arrogance. Alternatively, our explanation is framed around your response. If you are giving us positive fuel we will trot out some excuse about not being able to use the ‘phone, the ‘phone being broken etc (see the excuses listed in Being Mobile ) These explanations may sound plausible and even if they do not, you are too relieved and delighted we are back in touch to make an issue about it (something we rely on). Do not accept those explanations. They are all lies. They are said to avoid accountability and the truth is the failure to respond was completely deliberate. If you are giving us negative fuel, then we will blame you for the reason we did not respond in order to provoke you further and gain yet more negative fuel, saying that we needed some space, that you never leave us alone, that you are always trying to control us and such like.
In terms of the type of narcissist who fails to reply to the text messages, the fact is this form of manipulation is used by all of the schools of narcissism. The Lesser is most likely to ignore you completely. He will have gained fuel from the institution of the silent treatment (although the silent treatment is not one of his favoured methods of manipulation) but rather the failure to respond is representative of the compartmentalisation which we engage in ( see Compartment Store ) and the Lesser has closed the door on you (for the time being) as he focusses on dealing with somebody else. Given his lower cognitive function and lower energy levels, he is less likely to juggle two people in the instant and therefore he would rather not be bothered by you at all as he concentrates on drawing fuel from another source, especially that which is being recruited to replace you.
The Mid-Ranger’s favourite method of manipulation is the silent treatment and therefore he will make repeated use of not answering texts in order to control you, make you feel inferior, assert his superiority in this passive aggressive manner and most of all of course to gain fuel. He is most likely to keep the ‘phone in his pocket as he seeks to seduce a new primary source, savouring the vibrations and taking the occasional glance when the target has gone to the bar or to the bathroom. He will have the ‘phone on display when he is alone, delighting in reading your messages and will also make use of allowing you to know he has read the message and still has not replied. He is less likely to be so brazen as to have the ‘phone on display so others can comment on it.
The Greater will delight in having the phone in a prominent position, lighting up and beeping, glancing at it and ensuring that if he is with other people then they see that he is in demand and it allows him to engage in triangulation. It appeals to our sense of superiority and string-pulling that we can demonstrate that someone is trying to get in contact with us and we can brush it off, dismiss istand explain it away as we rope somebody else in and they accept what we are saying without question, allowing us to note that our charm and manipulative guile remain at the top of their game.
If your messages are not being answered there is next to no doubt that you are being manipulated and this is entirely for our benefit.
Part Two examines the reason why text messages are not answered when dealing with Non Intimate Secondary Sources, Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Sources.
31 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages?”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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My boyfriend of three years just walked out two weeks ago while I was in the shower. Didn’t say a word, hasn’t responded to my texts or calls, didn’t block me. He has done this before. He left all his belongings again. I don’t understand, he didn’t say we were over, what is he trying to accomplish?
I’ve tried apologizing, I’ve not gotten angry, I’ve been kind, why is he doing this? Am I being punished?
Peaceful,
HG is the source of all this wonderful info, and I am so thankful for him, whatever his reasons for doing this. Yes I have heard why he says he does this, and I’m still sooo thankful. But the sharing and the stories of the participants definitely is a large part of this also, as we know so many people are disbelieving of the reality of our experiences. I glad he made this an interactive blog.
He is kind enough to let us speak our piece, and let us support each other.
And I’m glad you’re here, too.
“It is the stage adaptation of Hitchcock’s famous film”
HG, You are so punny!.
Peaceful, I am in the same place as you are. Your post strikes me in so many of the same ways. I am almost 5 months NC with ex fiance and have gotten myself into therapy (a couple of types) and am learning about the healing of my little girl self from the narc abuse of my mother… I always just thought she was a mean and selfish person but I’ve only recently learned she was really a narcissist… and so now I’m also realizing the many reasons I put up with the ex’s bad behavior for so long. And like you said, as I read HG’s posts I find myself dealing with a new form of pain… and lots of it. Painful and enlightening and I keep coming back for more…reading on this site. I haven’t figured out how to disengage from all of this bullshit… reading about (him), thinking about it (him), longing for him even though I know I would never go back now that I have this knowledge… I don’t know when the pain will end but I am working diligently on it every day and making sure it never happens again. My heart is certainly not hardened (after all, I am an empath) but my intellect is much sharper.
Good luck to both of us at this point ~
We never texted much but O lord, if I didnt answer my phone when he rang (was driving or just didnt hear the damn thing) he would get livid. He would start texting EMERGENCY. Never was of course. Last time this happend he told me I was never allowed to ring him again. We had been married for 25 years by then. Gave him my phone and told him he could shove it up his …..
A phone is such a major controle tool for these people!
Connie,
I do remember the shit storm the damn cell phone caused. I told him at first I didn’t need one as he could leave a message on the answering machine at home. When he started having temper tantrums that I was trying to hide my activities from him, I broke down, but opted for the cheapest crummiest phone I could find. No bluetooth so he would have to wait till I could get off the road to return his call, and no texting capabilities. He would get so frustrated cause he would try to text me before he realized the message would never be delivered.
When I left him, I left the phone, the keys, and the business receipts for the day, and a note.
Then I went totally off grid.
Good for you!!
Reading this makes me cry. Reading any of your posts lately HG, make me cry. More so now than before. I’m almost 5 months post escape and the hurt has taken on a new form of pain. I’m delving into embracing my inner child. Which is uber painful and enlightening. I’m embarking on the acknowledgment of narc father. It’s all so very painful. I’m steeped in pain. Sad. Tears. Longing. Fear. When will it end?
Peaceful.
Peaceful,
You have found a good forum of support. Reach out to people here as often as you need. You will have severe ups and downs but you will survive this, don’t let him win!
Peaceful— it may not ever “end” but the power HG talks about seizing (which i could not believe or comprehend) is happening in my life. i have been RECENTLY suicidal. wanted to end my life. or change my name. move. start over. escape this crazy LIFE of abuse and narc (my family too) it felt all so big. and awful. shit got worse in my head at least (5mos out nc) where i thought i could not spin 360° without facing a narc or abuser in my circle. idk what is or has happened. but my energy is blasting me (energy is not the right word grrr) here and there and i feel it’s not just hauling me around but i am warp speed moving from here to THERE. idk where there is but i am riding the wave. my voice is speaking. i am saying things never said. seeing things never seen. i am no polly anna and not a fan of the “power of positive thinking” shit show. BUT. the power WILL seize you. it will happen. even if you don’t believe in it. want it. or know wth it is. this place (lions den of cubs like us:) is safe. true. honest and well, peaceful. STICK AROUND.
Peaceful, we’re all here to help you get through this. Many victims of narc relationships were born into narc-affected families, so you are not alone.
A piece of practical advice for emotional healing is psychodrama, if there is a chance for you to go and do that somewhere. I find it to be a profoundly helpful and cathartic way of working through the pain and emotions.
If you ever need to vent, we’ll be here to listen and help.
Erin, what do you mean psychodrama? Is it a particular form of therapy?
It is the stage adaptation of Hitchcock’s famous film.
Peacful, it sounds strange, but what is going on with you now is absolutely normal.
The healing process takes three stages roughly:
1. The truth realization (about your man, about yourself, about your life). It is always pretty painful period.
2. Acceptance. Uncomfortable, but not painful feeling.
3. Harmonization. Pleasant and serene feeling.
You are on the first stage now, the most painful and unpleasant period. But believe me, you experienced the most sharpest pain already, so no more unpleasant “surprises” for you anymore. If you survived that pain, you will survive everything. Just don’t stop and continue to move forward.
One more thing. Denial and Hope.
Don’t deny the truth and take everything as it is. Good, bad, doesn’t matter. Take it all and don’t deny it. It permits you to accept everything more quickly and easily.
“Kill” any hope feelings toward your man. He is your past. Dot. Don’t permit him to distract and divert you from your healing journey (if he tries to get you back). No way back. Burn all bridges.
I wish you a lot of strength and internal wisdom to finish your healing journey. Everything will be alright. Hold on there, girl.
He liked to send alarming texts, like the sky was falling. The trick was he wouldn’t answer when I responded.
Please help me out here HG! I was in a FWB relationship with my narc, while he was naked in bed with me, after having great sex, and lots of fun he calls his ‘girlfriend’ (who he has never met, and has an ‘online’ thing going on) and says is it okay if I have sex with other women, and massages? I thought he was a Lesser or Mid range?
What are you wanting to know?
What type of Narc he is based on his behaviour, and the above scenario. I know it’s very little to go on, and know he was triangulating me with her, but was curious what ‘type’ he was.
This is something which has to be addressed through a consultation for reasons of accuracy.
he called her to triangulate her with you and told her or insinuated to her he ducked u to triangulate u with her basically trying to make each of us jealous about the other what an immature jackasse jerk
Fucked not ducked lol
I see right through his bullshit. The thing is it doesn’t get me jealous. All I see is an immature little boy playing games. There have been several times he triangulated us, one time he sent me messages from this same girl saying what she wanted to do to him, expecting a reaction. My reaction was; ‘You want to play games? Why don’t you tell your ‘girlfriend’ you were at my place fucking me for 4 days’ immediately he messaged and wanted to talk, and apologised! Its all just twisted, and sadistic what goes on in his head. But I do know he’s very insecure, and seems to have a complex about his penis!!! Haha!
Jesus, they’re such assholes. All of this is just too familiar. The longer I’m NC the more pathetic I feel for having fallen for the ridiculousness of it all.
ng27 no shit right?!
grateful to be OUT.
so i can see the shit show.
Thank you, HG. This one answered some ongoing questions I had about my Moron in Munich. Currently he answers all my questions fairly quickly (I never ask more than once), but completely goes silent if I mention anything I would like him to do for me (explain something, send a pic, etc) no matter how trivial.
I Imagine him sitting there being arrogant, thinking he is punishing me with his silence for having the temerity to try to control him. Do you think that’s likely or am I misunderstanding him? He is a midranger.
That is correct.
Then I assume he is either:
1. too stupid to realize that a woman needs something (like your comfort crumbs) to stay in a relationship with him
2. Thinks the condescension of an occasional email is enough.
3. Doesn’t care one way or the other if we maintain any type of relationship.
This is the first post I found when I was trying to find out what had happened. One of the things that stood out was how utterly shite I felt when there was radio silence on the text. Couldn’t understand it…. once it was two weeks. I wasn’t his partner so I didn’t go mental and try and speak to him but I was alarmed at why it would make me feel panicked, sick and tight in the chest. Then boom a flood of relief when he finally replied. Makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it! Thank god or more aptly HG that this was out there. Abuse had been mentioned to me but this was like a beacon in the darkness. So grateful!
You are welcome.
We usually messaged on messenger to save money although we used our phone too. He loved to mess with me yeah during the golden period it was nonstop messages during devaluation he would come online for one second then go off line on purpose so he wouldn’t have to message me or he’s message me then go offline so he wouldn’t get my reply for hours or he’d deliberately message me when I was in bed so he could say he messaged me that day when of course I didn’t get it till morning there was so many times he’d deliberately not open a message even though he was online or he’d open it I could see it was read but he wouldn’t reply he absolutely loved playing games on messenger I know it was all deliberate
Another one would be to message me first but never check for my reply grrrr