No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
45 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I read the book in one sitting and thought “why didn’t I click on to this material ages ago?” I will definitely be using the tools you provide in this book. Excellent read! I am starting “Your Fault: Blame and the Narcissist.” tonight. Thank you so much… you are helping me with issues I have had since childhood, in ways that nothing else has helped.
You are welcome and thank you for reading, my books are the best tools you can find.
I broke contact with my ex narc to return all of his belongings. He still has some of mine. I am guessing he will use it later to hoover me, which means I lose out on about $50 of crafting supplies for my business. I guess better to lose $50 than to lose my mind again to have any contact.
HG can you write something about the physical after effects of narcissistic abuse and how to overcome them? I am struggling to get back to old routines, feeling physically, mentally and emotionally drained after 10 days no contact. (I broke no contact after 14 days… now sticking to NC for good.) If you aren’t inclined to write on this, is there an article you recommend? Thank you so much.
See the book Exorcism.
Thanks HG, I will look into it!
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thankyou for replying to my questions ……. your answers were really interesting. Your locked cupboard in your study (where no one is allowed) with those interesting contents,(do you have them named, as there would be so many). It would make for exciting reading about you. Would you be willing to share some more personal/routine things along that nature with us? I mean, when you come home, do you slip into a smoking jacket with a glass of scotch and stare into an open fire? Do you have the same breakfast each morning? How often do you go out to dinner? Do you have a cleaner? Do you do your own grocery shopping and cooking an washing ? When do you find time to be a narc, work and play, date your girlfriend and blog? Do you go to a gym?
Allow us know “you” a bit better!
Thanking you
1. No.
2. No.
3. Often.
4. Yes.
5. I order online.
6. Ever day.
7. Yes.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Thankyou
I appreciate your reply.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Kath, in the Facebook comments asks if she should bin her narc’s lifelong photos and the Swiss Army knife his dad gave him …
what would happen if she did?
😱
(Personally I would send them back to him)
Thankyou
If the property belongs to him it should be returned (either posted or by a third party, not the victim) to the narcissist.
But what would happen if she did bin them …. what would you do?
Ta muchly!
Then that provides an opening for a complaint for criminal damage and/or to threaten (or commence) civil proceedings for the unlawful interference with goods, or just repeated blaming “You destroyed MY property”. It depends on the circumstances.
The tHiNg kept his ex wifes wedding ring on a candle stick in his bedroom. Theyd be separated for 8 years! At first I thought it really odd, until….I sort of started to work him out. I then decided he was keeping it as a trophy. When he finally got a divorce (only because we wanted to get married), he sent it back to her. Just the ring, in an envelope. (thats what he told me anyhow..)
Why would he keep her ring HG? As a trophy like I thought? She lived on the other side of the country, so its not like he would use it as an excuse for a hoover yeah? Thanks heaps.
Triangulation.
Thank you HG. Of course!!! Now why didnt I think of that!?! (Dont answer that!)
That reminds me of the narc I was with for 17 years!
He had a quilt that was made for him and his first wife and he brought it into our marriage for 15 years and the first thing he wanted in our separation was the quilt back😂 to give to his third wifey ..
I wanted to have our names and married dates and dates of divorce stitched on 😂
“Cool, hard logic that’s needed” whew….. that phrase alone has grounded me as I maintain no contact with my exnarc. I’ve never met someone who could manipulate and victimize himself so well as to pull on my heart strings and sway me to do whatever he wanted. He played being the prey so well but he in fact was the predator…. pity was his hook and he had reeled me into his net over and over again. I’d never seen a grown man cry so much and it really made me believe he was incredibly sensitive and that I needed to be careful with his heart….. yet at the same time he felt so utterly empty… it didn’t make any sense to me. I was good at giving him the benefit of the doubt and excusing his behavior so it was easy to ignore that unsettling feeling. I tried to handle his empty soul and horrid behavior with grace and stoic like positivity and focus on nurturing him and his many false wounds. I realize now how foolish that was. I’d had enough after my brother died and he used my extra emotional vulnerability to exploit me into supporting his drug addictions. I’d try to escape many times but I always got sucked back again. A year goes by and I suddenly wake up to the fact that I’ve got this manchild sleeping in my bed all day long while I work to support his addictions. I’m glad it was only a year and if it wasn’t for HG’s exposure to reveal just what’s really going on in the narc’s head, I know I’d start to feel bad for the ex and allow his initial grand hoover to pull me back in. I’ve purged him of my home and I blocked him, all of his friends and his family from contacting me. He cannot contact me unless he shows up at my place in tears which he was always so good at….. but now I know what he is really thinking. Now I know just how empty he really is. I am but a mere appliance to him and he is only crying because of the fuel I took away and the cool hard logic will help me call the police if he does. Thank you HG…. “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”
You are welcome KK.
Fair warning. Great article. Coincides with only just finding a bottle of aftershave in the bottom drawer of my dresser few days ago…under some things of mine! I never put it there when he was here..no way.
Stupidly I’ve smelled it..afterall one little sniff couldn’t hurt could it? I’m stronger now
Yes I am. Absolutely.
…but it did hurt even so. Stupid stupid me.
Putting my head in the lion’s mouth!
Anyway…I’ve pulled it out again double quick.
This article is sharp like the crack of a whip..I hear ya…and I’m on it.
The article feels protective and i appreciate the guidance for the hundredth time already.
Thank you HG. 🌹
Pleasure.
Just had a flash back. I burned the sweat pant-y cuuuute bottoms and a top which had the sports team on them i (he so by proxy me) liked. i hated to purge but had begun to read HG by then. knew it was a must. i was in my apartment bath room. and used matches. haha. had to put in toilet when flames got too big. then as i put lid down realized the seat was wooden. ikr. lol it all worked out. they weren’t burned to ashes just enough to feel good and take to trash. ta-da.
You will always remain vulnerable to us. That is how you have been built, in the same way that I have been built to always need fuel. You are able to protect this vulnerability by staying away from us and evading the new vultures which come sweeping towards you.
^******^******^******^
PRICELESS REMINDER!!!!
It’s a compliment & curse.
We. Are. This. Way. <\3
My narc broke up with me 4 months ago staring I was cheap and did not like to spend money when I wined and dined her..and blocked me from her phone..it came out of no were..sence then I have met a wonderful woman and is so happy now so will my ex narc try to come back or should i not worry because I don’t want her coming back in to my life now that I’m happy.
MK—pardon me, the name is probably tainting my point of view. if it’s been a whole 4mos and you’re “so happy” with the new supply, perhaps you are the narc. maybe i am for judging you. it seems an odd thing to say. oh hey my new gf and i are fabulous. fingers x’d my narc doesn’t come back. you sure you don’t want her to and this isn’t but a shit show?
All I said was my ex narc and I have been broke up for a little over four months and I’m in a new and happy relationship and wanted to know if they will some how some day try to return and try to cause a problem in my life..your painting a picture of me being a narc myself for asking a question.
Marvin Kennedy
If you stay out of the spheres of influence, then a hoover will only happen when there is a Hoover Trigger (caused by you entering the 6th sphere over which you have no control) AND the hoover execution criteria are met. Please see ‘Spheres of Influence’ and ‘Hoover Time’.
I hope you don’t mind HG, I used copy and paste for this one.
Saves me a job, thanks.
You are welcome HG. If you don’t mind, I would love to answer questions to help me learn the dynamic, however, I do not want to be rude, so if they are addressed to you, I will VERY prudent before I even consider responding. Accuracy is also very important, as well.
Very sensible.
Thanks K because ass holes are created and not made right HG
Ass hole is an insult and not a helpful term really with regards to understanding disorders. May make people feel better by using it, which is fair enough, but it is of no forensic value.
Hello Marvin
I get what you are saying. There are several narcissistic parents that I am around, who have created narcissistic children, and I get to observe their behavior. Three of the boys are violent lessers, a 10-year old and two 7-year olds. It is like living in the Twilight Zone.
Marvin,
Why did she call you cheap?
Well,we been dating for a year and I treated her very very well, you can say I treat her the way a woman suppose to treat a woman..then all of a Sutton she started wanting more and more and I refused to yet I couldn’t get her to bake me a cake out of a year..anyway so one day out of know were she text me saying Marvin your too cheap and don’t like to spend money then said I hope you have a good life..dont try to contact me because I blocked you on everything..dont understand we spent a lot of time together and had fun for a year.
It’s my fault for thinking you can change these people.guess I deserve everything I got. The great part is I moved on and is happy now..just wanted to know if that animal would try to come back later.
Marvin,
I’ve gotta keep it 100 with you. Nothing you said makes any sense lol. Also I must add no one could ever get me to bake a cake lmao so that’s not that unusual 😂. There is a whole bunch of information missing from what you wrote. I honestly don’t know where to start.
Yikes! I wanted ask “Even if they are dead?” but I guess I know the answer to that. I have already started to purge, caused by my outrage.
“Throw it away, throw it away, nothing left to do but throw it all away…..”
Perse
Perse
Especially if they’re dead. Otherwise memories of past pain they caused can haunt you from beyond the grave.
I am proud that I did not give him back his foto album. And it was his album! I do not know where it is at the moment, somewhere in my flat. If he wants his trophy back he has to pay me my money back. I nearly destroyed every memory in his flat that he had on me. Nothing left at his home, which reminds of me. It is as if I never existed.
His gifts I gave most of them away to people who had use for it or use them myself, for example the expensive purse which I use every day, filled with my money. That reminds me every day that he was only interested in my money, not me and I am satisfied that he did not succeed very much.
All his texts are safe in my mobile phone. Perhaps some day they are useful for evidence to support someone else. No, I do not destroy things to help him to get away with his evil deeds.
If empaths destroy every thing, that would help to expose him some day, they only help the narc to play his evil games further.
Each thing that I still own is combined with an evil deed of him now in my memory – just another way to deal with it.
He does not know that I have an ugly picture of him. That still hangs at the door. People can look at it. He looks as if he is an alcoholic. Not my fault, if people think he drinks too much. I always say: “He was a little bit stressed at that time. Yes, you are right, I should do that picture away. I always forget to do it. ”
Is that behaviour narcissistic? Yes, it is. I am sure. I am aware of that.
In my case there is no risk of emotional infection anymore.
i just knew no contact was the only way to set myself free , however before that desicion I knew I had enough . He crossed a line I never knew was there to cross ! a light came on inside and I just knew it was over after almost 20 years . I was devestated on diazepam, sleeping tablets to get me through the first week , however I also knew I wouldn’t allow him to ever treat me badly again . I’m not sure without knowing I had truly enough would I of been able to discard his letter without reading his pathetic excuse . I gave it to a friend of his unopened I took myself to the jewellers and sold my wedding ring the week later , blocked him from my phone and when he tried to phone from different number I blocked that too . He couldn’t get in which made him mad . One time I had a sneak at his Facebook and those emotional feelings came back in my stomach so I never did that again . I knew if I listened I would let him back in but I knew he didn’t deserve a minute of my time . Something just happened inside that said ” GAME OVER ”
Sometimes we have to go a few rounds to escape and I knew this was my time . I have three beautiful girls who he seen twice I don’t consult him over the kids , HG advised to email him to discuss times with the kids can take it from there , he also suggested he wouldn’t really be interested ln the kids , guess what ? HG was spot on , he isn’t bothered in the kids as he can not get to me through them so there no use really . I was broken into tiny little pieces on 5th November 2016 and i locked myself away with no contact and read a lot mainly HG books etc , I actually couldn’t even hear his name my stomache would drop !and now I can honestly say no contact helped me concentrate on myself and I put myself together and feel like this time I put myself together with super glue , as when I was with him I was held together by paper glue and was waiting to collapse each and every year .
I will have a tiny black mark in my soul , but that makes me who I am and I’m grateful at these difficult times they made me strong xxx best wishes everyone with no contact .
Thank god I escaped and I’m free … NO CONTACT all the way my friends if you can .
Fantastic F45!
Hg – Do narcs keep items to use to Hoover later?
Fucking A we do , George!
Dear Mr Tudor,
Are you able to elaborate what you’ve kept and how do you keep them away from your partner ( I believe you live together) and how you use them to Hoover ?
Many thanks
Hi SOP, I do not live with my girlfriend although she is allowed to stay over. I have kept books, pictures, clothing fragrances, teddy bears, sporting equipment, keys, work material, DVDs, medical supplies, passports and much more besides. They are placed in a locked cupboard in my study. Nobody ever goes in the study but me.