No Contact No Nos
No Contact is THE key to beating the narcissist.
Most people get it wrong. There are two reasons for this.
1. Not understanding the requirements of a Total No Contact Regime , and
2. The misleading effect of Emotional Thinking.
As part of the first element, the establishment and maintenance of a Total No Contact Regime means not only knowing what you MUST do for your Total No Contact Regime, but also what you MUST NOT do.
No Contact No Nos provides comprehensive information about the fundamental errors and primary risks which exist to your Total No Contact Regime so that you know what they are, how they threaten your regime and what you can do to make sure your Total No Contact Regime is properly implemented and also securely maintained.
This extremely useful and eye-opening guide tackles the weaknesses to your no contact regime in an effective and straightforward manner and is available for just US $ 5.
61 thoughts on “No Contact No Nos”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I am on your page every day multiple times a day and I keep rereading this to keep myself, everything you write is absolutely mind blowing. I reread everything to be on high alert but this has started to give me “hope” that he will come back. I am seriously hitting rock bottom if im starting to see “hope” in all these articles. Its an addiction.
HG,
First, thank you so much for your amazing blog into the psychological mindset of a narcissist. Upon my recent “break- up,” it has opened up my eyes. Thank you.
What then of the situation where you cause injury by telling him he was never good enough, never will find love, he’s not a good person, and proceed to block him?
I left things at his house and he tossed them without notifying me first. Even got rid of some heels of his I would wear. Do narcissists throw out exes’ belongings?
I reached out to apologize and, of course, seek closure. I’m dead to him. 1 year, nothing. No reply. Even though I was great supply (compared to his other sources, the most attractive, empathic, loving, eccentric, and wealthiest), I do believe he is done with me forever. No Hoover.
Is this all normal behavior for an angry ex narcissist?
Your insight would greatly be appreciated and valued.
Thank you again,
Lady Stardust
Yes we may well dispose of and/or damage your belongings in order to draw fuel from him.
He is not done with you forever. That is a myth.
Thanks for your insight, HG.
I can’t imagine someone trying to come back after a cruel disposal. I guess narcissists act like it never happened when they miss your fuel.
Hg- Does the fact that today is the 2 year anniversary of when I met my MR ex fiancé mean that will make me enter his sixth sphere? Does entering his 6th sphere mean anything if he has a new victim? I am hoping this day will pass without any contact from him. Does he even remember that anniversary if he is with someone else?
It is not guaranteed Dana but it makes it more likely than usual. Yes, it does mean something if he has a new victim. It may mean if that person is the IPPS and is in a golden period you are unlikely to bee hoovered, so the hoover execution criteria have not been met. If that person is in devaluation, then you are more likely to be hoovered.
You will know for sure the day you died
I may know I am dying, but I won’t know I am dead. Unless it gets very very hot and I hear, “Welcome back son, you did well.”
Well then sense boxing day is coming I will have to think of another gift for you …..the scarf is not heat resistant
Ha, ha HG! That was a good one!!
The Hoover pretty much appears to be a love-sick ex returning to win back his former love. Does the lesser or mid-range ever believe that’s all they’re doing is trying to win back their ex or do they know it’s just a ploy to keep their target under control?
They believe what they are doing is trying to win back their ex.
Do you do that because the anniversary makes them enter your 6th sphere or because you know it will hurt her?
Both.
HG do you hoover any of the women you have proposed to on the anniversary of the day you proposed to them? What about your wedding anniversary with your ex wife? Do those dates make them enter your 6th sphere?
I hoover on the wedding anniversary, yes.
Dear Mr Tudor,
I’m a NISS …… should I be….. so lucky … lucky lucky lucky …?
(Bit of Kyle Minogue there .. hehe)
Or …… does no one escape the clutches?
BTW …. I’ve never persisted in any follow up, texting, phone calls, or anything, after I was discarded, he was the one who caught up with me and I only responded, in a manner, befitting, as I would to anyone else.
Thanking you
You are welcome.
HG…..Just stating that it is all going exactly as you have stated so far:
I escaped…..he didn’t see it coming….(neither did I really……I just lost it because of future faking, something he said he would do, didn’t do and had no intention of doing. These emotions that volley between a narc and an empath are sure hard to handle at times……sometimes it is like lighting touchpaper……but in this particular case, thankfully, my emotions actually assisted in my departure.)
I initially thought I didn’t get an IGH…..but I have since realised that I did….a weak text message stating “I will leave you alone for a while…..and any time you want to chat you know where I am….”
I resisted that message……it was not too difficult really……that’s not my idea of a Grand Hoover…..but I see it for what it was now.
After 8 months of no contact and several comments made by me that I was sure I would not get a hoover……mine arrived recently by way of a birthday message.
That too has been ignored……the saga continues no doubt……I just hope I don’t see him……although that will be the truest test of my resolve……Diva
I like it when she hoovers me.I get to point out all her flaws and imperfections. Maybe someday she will figure it out and leave me alone.
HG. Thank you for this post. The narcissist I’m dealing with is also a coworker. I’ve been no contact/gray rock for the last year and a half. I don’t even make eye contact.
I’ve recently announced my resignation from my position effective at the end of the month. And advised I will be moving 600 miles away. What if any hoover tactics can I expect in the next two weeks?
She is blocked from all my social media as well as blocked from my phone. Mutual friends are blocked on social media and do not have my new phone number.
I believe she is a greater narcissist. I’m unsure if my role was dirty secret or IPSS.
I appreciate any insight or suggestions you can provide.
You are welcome. In order to comment constructively I will need more information and therefore recommend you organise a consultation.
But after the dis-engagement there is no idealization already, right? The source is no more as “tasty” as in the beginning?.. How does it feel from inside, when that next hoover happens?
When we dis-engage you usually become persona non grata unless there are malign hoovers which follow. In terms of the next hoover, do you mean a malign one or when we engage with a benign hoover at a later stage?
I mean benign hoover when another (new) Primary is devaluated. Does it feels from inside like idealization again?
Inside for who – the narcissist or the victim?
My heart is still his………..The never ending conflict between heart and head is exhausting and painful. There are times when I am so exhausted that I feel like surrendering/giving in to my narcissist. Usually when I’m trying to maintain no contact. H G I work at the same company as my narcissist though in a different department. When he wants me to see him he does a walk through the office or walks across my path as I walk into work or he watches me walk into work from a hidden location. If I interact with someone in the parking lot, usually male, he comments on it. What type of narcissist do you think he is? I find him to be very passive. What advice do you have for me? Leaving my job is not an option. Thanks
I cannot say what type of narcissist he is from this brief description. To do so and also to provide you with constructive action you can take to address your current situation I recommend you organise a consultation with me.
Hg- Would I be considered an the shelf IPSS if I have been maintaining NC ever since he disengaged from me? Doesn’t on the shelf mean I am still playing his games? He disengaged me 8 months ago and hoovered me once but I didn’t reply. We have never been off and on we just broke up the once.
If he has disengaged from you, you are not on the shelf.
Thanks for responding HG. What am I then? Does he still consider me a IPSS? I am hoping he won’t bother hoovering since I wasn’t primary.
HG,
How does a lower mid-range feel when they Hoover you via e-mail and you don’t respond to it. I got an e-mail about 4 weeks ago calling me names and telling me I didn’t care about my son even though it’s her that will not let me see him. I just decided not to respond and go through legal channels instead. I assume this would of caused some kind of wounding although I never received a follow up one.
Thanks
Irritation and wounding.
Thank you
HG, I would value your opinion on this rather philosophical question. Is it the Ns search for fuel that creates or overrules his/her moral compass OR is it the lack of the moral compass that creates conditions where he/she can get nothing from other humans other than fuel?
It is the lack of moral compass which facilitates the ability to gain fuel so effectively. If we had one, it would hamper us.
Thank you by the way for promoting the link on the discussion on daily kos, it is appreciated.
Don’t you ever just get tired of hoovering? I mean it sounds exhausting. You have to keep track of everyone “under your control”. Is there never a time or moment when enough is enough? I’m only asking because honestly it seems time consuming and frankly quite bothersome?
No. It will sound exhausting to you because you are not me. I do not have to keep track of everyone and it is relatively simple to find certain people if I am moved to do so. There is never enough.
HG, as for those of your kind who do not know what they are and are not aware they are driven by the need for fuel, how or in what terms do they view their victims? In other words, you, as a greater, view them as sources of fuel, which drives you back to them. Because the lesser and mid ranger do not know about the concept of fuel, what sort of thought process goes on in their head? Do they think, “such and such used to make me feel good, powerful, etc. so I will contact them”?
No, it is an instinctive response.
…and I am the pitiful empath sitting here wishing, hoping and waiting for the promised hoover to come. I know that I am exceptionally fortunate to have lost no more than a year to my narcissist. That’s my head. My heart is still his. Though I do want it back.
You’re not pitiful, Willow. You feel like that because of the GP. It sucks, I know.
Try this: whenever you long for him, picture the narcissist as a remote-controlled robot. Imagine the panel across his back, with batteries inside… picture him holding a huge remote control, with things like “Golden Period” and “Silent Treatment” and “Hoover,” etc. switch options on it.
Maybe that will help take the romance out of it.:-)
Thank you so much! I am already trying your suggestion. Unfortunately I’m thinking an awful lot about that horrible little robot!
I have been in the same place as you Willow. It took me 8 years to finally get out of that place. He and I haven’t spoken in 4 months, after he put in a year of hoovering and me attempting to thwart the attempts. He almost took me this time. I got to a point where I thought, “The only way I will escape this horror is if I end my life”, because I just could not stand the pain anymore. And every day, I sit here worried and terrified for the moment he returns… because I know he will, and I know I’m strong enough to keep fighting him away. But I knew I was strong enough 4 years ago too… and he still won.
At this point I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough. But I am trying to educate myself and protect myself as best I can. Sending strong thoughts your way.
Willow
You spoke of wanting your heart back. I used to feel that way and feel like I’d lost my heart to people who just abused it. Then one day I realized that my heart was a magical thing. I could give it to any number of people. But it would only stay with someone if they took care of it. If they don’t it fades away from them and returns to me. Now when I realize someone I gave my heart to doesn’t deserve it, I automatically visualize it fading away from their grasp and flying magically back to me.
I know that this sounds corny, but it works for me.
I love this. Thank you so much!
Windstorm2, I love this! Thank you so much!
Have you read HG’s Exorcism – Purging The Narcissist From Heart And Soul? I highly recommend it! You are not alone Willow.
Thank you Numb.
Thank you, numb. Looks like I will be ordering this. An exorcism is in order.
The person u hovered after 12 years was that the first time u hovered them after the relationship ended or were there hoover 12 years earlier ? Also when u did hoover after 12 years was this for fuel or to restart relationship?
No it was not the first time post formal relationship. It was fuel. I am Nomadic, I do not resurrect the formal relationship, but I always maintain the narcissistic one.
What about your shelved secondary intimate sources? Did you ever take them off the shelf? If so, what was the longest shelf period?
Repeatedly. I do not immediately recall a precise time, over a year at least.
Do you ever just miss anyone? I mean if that person just pops into your head is it as simple as thinking “oh, they have the kind of chocolate I want this second” but having nothing to do with the person that has it? I want to wrap my head around it but I think so differently that I struggle. I know the answer.
You should be glad all your fans aren’t in a lab with you. We’d have all our tools out fighting to dissect you.
No, only their fuel.
So IPSS can go a year on the shelf with no contact?
Indeed.
HG – The images you use for the blogs are awesome. I randomly came across some perfect ones this eve. If you’d like me to send them to you, just let me know how.
narcissist1909@gmail.com