The Ten Laws of Narcissistic Possession
1. You belong to me.
I own you. From the moment I first engaged with you, you became mine. That is the unwritten contract that forms between you and me. I engulf you, I possess you and I subsume your identity into mine. I do not recognise you as someone who is separate and distinct from me, with your own hopes, fears and desires. You have been plugged into me from the start, my appliance which is there to provide me with fuel, obey me and accede to my commands. This mind set is what governs the entirety of our relationship and is what is behind so much of what I do and say to you. By understanding that this is how I view you in relation to me you will realise that once I have begun to entangle you, the concept of you evaporates and you become part of me.
2. What is yours is mine
As part of this unwritten contract I immediately take power, custody and control of everything which you own. Your money is mine to spend. Your friends become my friends and ripe for recruitment into the ranks of my lieutenants. Your house is my house where I shall install myself before you know it, using your utilities freely although never paying for them. It is not your car, it is my car now. I recognise no boundaries and therefore you will find that your possessions will always be sequestrated for my use. You are not allowed to own anything in your own right. From the cake you have saved for later to your shower gel, I will take it and use it. This sense of entitlement extends beyond the material. I will take your dignity, your sanity and your self-esteem too. I have no use for those things, they cannot serve me in any way but I will take them all the same. I am an asset stripper and you will be stripped.
3. Blame belongs to you
I am never at fault. I am never responsible and I am never accountable. Culpability and I are not bedfellows. I escape liability for anything and everything that I do and instead the blame will always rest with you. Even if you have done nothing wrong I will pin the blame on you as this serves my purposes to draw fuel from you, control you and denigrate you. If I forget to remove something from the cooker, it is your fault. If I forget to pay a parking ticket on time, it is your fault. If I forget an anniversary, it is your fault. Each and every mishap, failure and problem which arises will always be attributed to you because I cannot be held to account.
4. I take what I want from whomsoever that I choose
I walk this world as a colossus and it is my right to do as I please. I will take whatever my eye rests on as I am entitled to do so. I will steal because I can. If I want something then I will take it. I will take the credit for achievements when they belong to someone else. I will pinch the partner of a friend because I want her in my bed and not his. I will park my car where I like and I am not to suffer any consequence. I will borrow from neighbours and never return anything. It is my right to take and you must never challenge or criticise me as I exercise this right.
6. What is mine stays mine
All resources that are mine remain mine and are for my exclusive use. I will not lend anything to anybody, they should go and buy their own. I will not share. I will stockpile money secretly, notwithstanding that we apparently have a joint account. I have my own shelf inside the fridge for my food which nobody else is to touch. Nobody is allowed to sit in my favourite chair, not even when I am not there. Nobody is to play my CDs or read my books. They are not for you, they are for me. My friends are my friends, yes they will pretend to like you, purely for the sake of appearance but they will never actually be your friends. Anything that is mine remains as mine.
7. I go where I please
I own the right to go anywhere that I like. I am not to be stopped or questioned as to where I am going or where I have been. I move in between and through, an unstoppable force in light of my vast sense of entitlement. I walk through doorways marked private, I attend meetings to which I have not been invited, I will turn up at your social occasions even though I was not asked to attend. I will step over the threshold, vault the red rope and penetrate all areas because I must always know what is going on. Besides, my presence is such that I am always welcome, who would not want someone as brilliant as I with them? I am access all areas.
8. I own the spotlight
The spotlight must be trained on me at all times as it belongs to me. It is for my use to highlight how interesting, witty and successful I am. It lights up my podium where I stand elevated and superior and woe betide you should you try to point it anywhere else. You must never interfere with my ownership of the spotlight for to do so will invite my fury at your transgression. It is a device that must be aimed at me so that the world is always to see me, so that I can receive the adoration which I am entitled to.
9. I owe you nothing
I owe you nothing because in the beginning I gave you everything. It does not matter that since then you have given me your all, your love, your affection, your time, your money, your dignity and your will to live. You can festoon me with gifts, run around after me, nurse me, pleasure me, support and soothe me but this is what you ought to be doing as I am entitled to be treated in this manner. I have no sense of needing to reciprocate, someone as high born as me need not deign to fawn over you, not any more, not once I have captured you and bound you tight to me. You are nothing without me, worthless and pathetic and therefore I owe you nothing, despite the fact you gave me everything.
10. You belong to me.
I thought I would remind you of this fact. It would not do to forget that now, would it?
Number 5? Of course there is a fifth rule – You are imagining things. Again.
108 thoughts on “The Ten Laws of Narcissistic Possession”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
This is an excellent and so on point! So many points rang true from my experiences with narcissists that I laughed out loud but wanted to cry at the same time. Not too many things I’ve read can elicit a dichotomy of emotions. Thanks!
MVU, when I read your comment, it resonated with me RE: “my experiences with narcissists that I laughed out loud but wanted to cry at the same time” – at the start of my journey here, I was going through similar ‘motions’. Now, as I read HG’s articles, I don’t find myself getting as upset, if at all (like with an ‘indifference’). I have to admit, some of the articles do make me laugh now compared to this time last year when my ET was out of sync with my LT.
Thank you for your response. I would love to get to the point of indifference for sure.
MVU, I am sure you will, in your own way and in your own time. It is a matter of finding the best way that works for you. 🙂
Thank you! 🙂
Powerful and well said!
You do not sit together, it is not a social gathering. Separate, isolated steps, the forlorn cries of broken empaths past, carried on the cold draught your only company.
HG: I have no words for this statement, all I can do is shake my head.
So, no enjoyment wherever you are then.
You are certainly entitled to your conclusion.
Excuse me, one can be most productive on the steps. When I was a wee little Dr. HQ my mother put me on the steps and I became so bored I learned how to tie my shoes early…. lol
I found that most enjoyable lol. I was productive.
My favorite and most productive times are when I am alone. LOL
DAYUM—we do not have the moral high ground that’s for sure. it was merely cold hard logic and facts. the biggest bitch slap of that epic mic drop “rant” (rave?) is that I felt that during and still now. in fucking sane. oh hey let’s fight futile subjects. let’s spar at wind mills. let’s move mountains. what in the actual fuck. at least THEIR insanity “works.” Ours or for sure mine? Spiral. Reminds me of:
“At least I don’t run around actively seeking my own demise anymore..” shitty alanon quote for codependents. uh, pretty sure i do. did. done.
Who are we to be all self righteous and go he he he. I mean once ya. More than that? Uhh. It brings me back to Alanon days of not blaming “them” not reacting not being the crazy one. I did not know then there was so much more going on than “just alcohol” but the machinations and manipulations.
AND YET I knew I was a martyr and could not untie myself from the train tracks. Which I flung myself onto. And asked to be tied up (not like that)..
This was a much needed cold splash in the face reminder. Thankyou..
6. My ex husband, the man I spent over 20 years of my life with would not let me use his phone charger when mine one broke down. He told me to go and buy myself a new one ‘ coz this one is his’.
Me and the children were not allowed to touch his staff. Everything in his cupboards/ drawers was in a perfect order and if something was moved by few centimeters he would notice and investigate it.
Even one particular coat hanger was his ( in his mind).When he returned home and someone else’s coat was hanging there he would drop it on the floor and hang his instead so we learn.
7. I remember we woke up late one Sunday morning and realized that he is not at home. My older son called him to ask where he is and been told that he is at the airport (in a different country ), just landed. As if we supposed to know that he was going away.
Abrokenwing: so strange that type of “mine is mine and yours is mine”thinking. I kind of laugh now, but my ex had odd ways as well. The entire 1600 square foot basement( three bedrooms two bathrooms, living room and a kitchen ensuite were “his”, I couldn’t even place a vase or a picture frame in any of those rooms without being screamed at or saying that I was controlling.Me and my three children were “allowed “ to use the upstairs, yet it was decorated with his things ( man that guy was a hoarder) he had his own shelf in the bathroom for his toothbrush and shampoo and deodorant. The bedroom closets were “his”.No one could use his guitar shaped spatula but him (even tho originally it was mine)Certain plates and cutlery were “his”. Also the entire two car detached garage was “ his”. Once I went in there looking for tools of sorts and he said that I had “ no rights being there “and that he was going to change the locks so I couldn’t snoop.I kinda lost it that day. First of all, it was mine and my children’s home,my mortgage that he didnt contribute a dime for! Secondly, he already took up 80 percent of the house!!! He also had this backpack he carried around with spare socks ,underwear, and guitar picks and junk food;though in retrospect, I guess it was for those times he would disappear for weeks at a time without warning or any sort of clue. Uhg I’m getting all steamed up and angry just thinking about that dumbass… or maybe it’s because I was the dumbass for being duped for so long . Lol.
Me too Star. My only regret is accepting and allowing this behaviour for so long.
ABWing— yes he taught you. i pray it was a one way ticket. to that other country. mine flew hither and yon as well. for you and your precious kids sake i hope he stayed out so you could break from the regime, heal and flourish.
Thanks Tappan Zee🙂
I removed my restraints. I defeated him.
Hello HG. I was wondering if u would be so kind as to answer a question Hypothetically speaking.. if a Narcs former IPS and former lieutenant ( both knowing who he is)end up in a relationship together, what can they expect from the Narc retaliation wise, other than of course slandering ? Thank u for all you do!
It depends on the school of narcissist, whether the formal relationship between the narcissist and his former IPPS ended through escape or disengagement, how long it has been since then, how proximate the parties are.
Thank u HG!
Hg when u say things like have the audacity to defy us to begin with I can’t even take it seriously nobody can actually believe stuff like that we’ll I guess narcs do but it seriously sounds like a line from a porno like the next line is gonna be the girl bending over your knee saying punish me daddy lmfao
Well there are those who want that also.
Ah – oh no – that “daddy” stuff…
Ahhhhhh it makes me cringe.
My ex wore these bright red speedo looking things that said papi on it. I swear I died. So gross.
Kim,
Is it safe to say you haven’t let anyone smack your ass and punish you? Lmao
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
You aren’t alone. I haven’t been in that situation either. I’m usually the one doing the punishing lol.
Lol exactly the opposite I love having my ass smacked and being submissive in the sack but its all role playing games I was shocked about him believing in real life outside the bedroom that nobody should have the audacity to defy him but in the bedroom he can have this belief all he wants lol
Oh yeah and me being dominant in bedroom never gonna happen its a total turnoff for me lol
Hey, whatever pumps your nads lol!
Generally speaking, I have always believed that real power is when you can get someone to actually want to do what you want them to… not just do it. It’s so much more satisfying when the person just can’t help but give in because they want it that bad. For me it’s not about just ordering someone around or telling them to do things.
HG, as the dirty little secret or on the shelf I never saw much of this. Is that typical?
I did get “you are mine” or “you belong to me” or “you’re my girl” and then he’d tap the tip of my nose. I loved it. I thought it was a privilege. I didn’t realize it was thunder and ground lightning before an eternal storm.
Yes, the level of interaction is intense and short.
This reminds me of how he would take my cellphone to charge it as if I couldn’t charge my own phone. I would never dream of touching his phone. But still I thought nothing of it . But then I’d find he had erased pictures I took on my own phone! And they weren’t backed up ! He also took self is of himself staring eviliy into the camera not smiling or posing just straight into the camera and the worst was when his sister shared by Bluetooth a lot of pictures into my phone and he frugal erased some of them off my phone saying they were private after she goddammit shared them with me of her own choice. He also answered messages I got in messenger ! I could kill him thinking back to this
Frigan not frugal
Hg, does the length of time one is with the narcissist play any part in this entitlement? Or…whether or not one lives with them?
I noticed all of the above with the tHiNg but not so much with the con man. Does the con man still consider me ‘his’ as it was only a brief relationship. Unlike the tHiNg? Thanks heaps.
The length of time is not material.
Geezus. Ok. Right. Thank you HG.
hello HG
is the ‘you belong to me ‘ and ALL your possessions soul friends thoughts minutes emotions blame manipulations lies etc mentality only reserved for the IPPS?
i understand the power for fuel to be in control of tertiary, IPSS, collegues etc
but is the midrange thoughts primarly for IPPS belonging to him/her?
forgive me if this is a silly question
thankyou for your time
x
We claim ownership of all those that we attach to us. Of course, the effort which is applied to maintain that ownership varies dependent on the role of the relevant appliance. We own the tertiary source but we naturally do far more to maintain ownership of the IPPS.
“I have my own shelf inside the fridge for my food which nobody else is to touch. Nobody is allowed to sit in my favourite chair, not even when I am not there. Nobody is to play my CDs or read my books.”……..
This is my problem……..as soon as I read or hear this type of thing…….I will be immediately in that fridge scoffing everything in sight off your shelf……then your CDs will be played at full blast, while I dance off the calories I have just consumed. When I tire of dancing I will peruse your books and choose 3 or 4 of them, then I will then slump into your favourite chair and commence reading …….however, after stumbling across A Madman’s Diary, then reality might finally sink in and then I would make myself scarce before said narc got home……I am not that stupid!!!!!…..Don’t forget HG…..sharing is caring!!!!!……(This ignoring of boundaries is great craic though!!!!)…..Diva
Warned, yet still compelled to transgress and you wonder why we punish you.
HG,
Do your kind wonder why we choose to defy you while knowing that it will result in the igniting of your fury? I used to take great joy in doing so, in spite of knowing the consequences! Still do!
It is not so much wondering why you defy us when you know what will happen but rather than you have the audacity to defy us to begin with.
OH MY! . . . the NERVE of us!
I don’t view it as being audacious….I view my behaviour as pointing out what was so obviously wrong…..some individuals listen and take it on board…..others need to be shown…..narcs don’t listen and therefore actions speak louder than words. I would be the first to admit that my own behaviour when faced with narcs has been somewhat childish…….but I am beginning to understand that I was merely getting down to their level in an attempt to prove a point…..not that I ever did succeed but you won’t knock tenacity out of some empaths……..we will try everything and anything rather than admit defeat……..as you know……Diva
Indeed and that indefatigable spirit is welcomed.
Just like you…..I can’t change who I am…..but I can change the company I keep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!………..Diva
you won’t knock tenacity out of some empaths……..we will try everything and anything rather than admit defeat……..as you know……
Amen to THAT!!!
Indeed, keep on going, it just provides more fuel.
I do it for you. 😉 You’re welcome!!
I, myself, like seeing the veins pop on their necks!
My peculiar mind sees it this way…….I am going to get punished anyway for doing nothing wrong, so I may as well give said narc a bit of ammunition and have a bit of fun along the way…..makes perfect sense to me……chill out……I would never touch a Depeche Mode CD……that would be akin to self inflicted punishment…….
Also, someone has to at least try and make the narc see the error of their ways……..the ones before me did a lousy job!!!!!…….Diva
You see, you are learning.
Hey we finally agree on something!!!!…….Diva
That is so true, they punish you for nothing so you might as well do something to actually get punished for. You’re so feisty!! 😄
Hi RS…yes feisty sums me up far and square……however, I should point out that I did not know they were narcs at any stage whilst I was in those relationships……I don’t know how I would behave if faced with the same circumstances, now that I am wiser….hopefully that will be one of those questions that will never be answered!!!!!!!!!!…..Diva
An honest admission.
Exactly! Stay away from my door!!
HG: Your kind punish for sport, they don’t need a reason.
Some of us yes, but we can always have a reason. You won’t agree with it, but to us it makes sense owing to the different perspective.
Your reasons are reasons for you, alright. To the sane individual, they are not reasons at all.
Sanity is purely a matter of perspective. What about the individual who is being abused, knows they are being abused and they stay or go back? Is that sane? Or what about the person who is warned about what a person is but still engages with them knowing what they are? Is that sane? What about knowing you were with a narcissist and being repeatedly told do not engage with them, but you do so and get ensnared again? Is that sane? Or being told no uncertain terms that the narcissist is not going to change but you keep trying anyway, just in case? Is that sane?
How about if by doing something it enable you to achieve your goals effectively and repeatedly, for instance, operating as I do? Is it insane to do that? That would be the model of sense and sanity would it not?
You do not have the moral high ground when it comes to sanity.
That is the longest response you have ever given me. I am honored! I have been properly put in my place now.
Hey RS….. “I have been properly put in my place now.”……join the club (my place is the naughty step)…….don’t worry you are in good company (I think!!!!)…..and just so you know where I stand on this insanity debate………I am insanely sane!!!!!!……Diva
How fun…just think of all the trouble the two of us can get into on that naughty step!!!
You do not sit together, it is not a social gathering. Separate, isolated steps, the forlorn cries of broken empaths past, carried on the cold draught your only company.
HG you are as wicked as a witch today……did someone touch your food in the fridge????……..You should write an Empath and The 3 Narcs article……you know…..who has been sitting on my chair……who has been sleeping on my side of the bed…who has been eating my food…..who has been playing my CDS……who has been reading my books……just a thought…..I am not sure that I am going to like the ending though…….Diva
The fridge is transgression free Diva, no concerns there.
Hey RS…..on it or off it……it’s all the same to me!!!!!…..Diva
We will always have fun no matter WHERE we are!!!
Yeah, sure you will.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means your defiance is tissue thin.
I’m not familiar with that phrase.
Does it mean my defiance is not very strong?
You don’t know me as well as you would like to think you do, Mr. Tudor!
Oh I do.
We shall see…
Diva
I am dying here.
DIVA–why hurl yourself in front of a train? it’s not a force to be reckoned with. you | we will be devoured. and why push their boundaries? we spite their lack of. you are not punishing him. you are punishing yourself by this behavior which you deem punitive. it is not. it is fuel for one. and second, it is pulling from you a dark nature that counters your true empath way. #goso
Hi Tappan Zee…..I understand you…..this behaviour was my past….I was/am unable to back down……I am currently narc free……and will remain so……now that I know the nature of the beast……..Diva
I am happily “narc free” myself! Let’s raise a glass and toast a toast!!!
Hi RS ……reading my comment back, I guess if HG is right (and he usually is!!!)….that I will not actually be narc free until death…..of either one of us……..so I will change my comment to, a narc free zone…….and I will drink to that!!!!!……Cheers…….Diva
Hi Twilight……I have met this kind of “I want my own shelf in the fridge” narc before…..it doesn’t stop there…….my logic is this……if you want your own shelf in the fridge…..live on your own……Diva
Diva,
You are freakin hilarious!
I’m clapping 👏….
You eat that food! I would purposely get things my ex wouldn’t get just so he wouldn’t touch my shit.
*wouldnt like
I am vegan so no animal products in MY fridge. . . poor baby. . . I fed him stuffed artichokes once and he looked like I was killing him. . . wish I had!
Hi Dr HQ……I am a giver, a sharer…..I don’t just give someone my last Rolo…….I would give them the whole packet……(maybe the American readers won’t understand that comment?). If Mr Narc had said “eat whatever you want.” or had given a reasonable logical excuse for having his own shelf or not touching his belongings…….then I would not have touched a thing!!!!! However this philosophy of “don’t touch just because I said so” is like waving a red rag to a bull to me….although I don’t really understand why that is the case…….Diva
We have Rolo’s here and I understand because I am exactly the same way!! That last part too – I hate being told “because I said so!” GRRRR
Well RS…..I have to be honest……I actually don’t like Rolos……but you understood the sentiment!!!!!……….Diva
Diva. . . You crack me up!!! That is exactly what I would do too! Two peas in a pod! 😉
if you want your own shelf in the fridge…..live on your own……Diva
EXACTLY!! I have missed you my friend!
Hey RS…..Where the hell have you been????……I hope your disappearance wasn’t down to anything I wrote!!!!! I had a feeling that you would be back at some point……or maybe it was just pure hope…….whatever, you are back now…….I missed you too!!!!!…..Diva
Diva, perfect response and perspective love it!!!
Thank you Star……Diva
It is a brilliant text…
All this sounds so familiar and comfortable to me… The obvious rules. Easy to follow…
Because of the family I was rised in… That makes me sad now – I never questioned all these things before… Now I’m trying to understand what does the “healthy boundaries” mean.
Srysly??
I got distracted by 2 when I should have been outraged at 1 and 10!
Not to mention 5!
I don’t SEE a #5. . . was it removed?
LOL!
Quote from article:
Number 5? Of course there is a fifth rule – You are imagining things. Again.(last line)
Of course there is a fifth rule! It’s HIS article, so if we don’t see it, we are imagining things…AGAIN!
All figmens of u r imagination
NO!
Well, when you put it like that, I’d say this sounds like a really shitty deal.
Shower gel (body wash) …. now that made me laugh. Only once has that happened and I just kinda looked at him like well alrighty now….the look in his face when he came out hairless was amusing….it wasn’t body wash. He never touched my body wash again.
From the cake you have saved for later to your shower gel, I will take it and use it.
Ahahahaha! Nailed it! If I was saving a tidbit for later, it was always gone, even if I asked if he wanted any, and he said no. I’d ask where it went, and he’d say, I thought you didn’t want it, so I ate it. He’d get outraged if I tried to feed him leftovers of any kind, except meatloaf, and he demanded that alot even though (probably because) I didn’t like it.
And the shower gel! OMFG! I bought a shower gel that matched my scent, and used it for special occasions.He had a cow, when he found out how much it cost!Horrors, I was wasting money! A few months later, he found it in the linen closet, asked why I was hiding it, and started using it every day, and there was hell toupe if it was NOT available for his daily use! And while it was too expensive FOR ME, he insisted on spending several hundred to stockpile it when they quit manufacturing it.
I did get a lot of compliments when I used it. He probably thought he would or did get some compliments himself. I haven’t thought about or used that scent in years.Probably wouldn’t like it anymore.
Its thanks to this analysis I was able to break free from the last person I was with. Thank you HG.
You are welcome Carmen, well done on seizing the power and thanks for letting us know.
😡
sick selfish pig!! 😡😡how can a human being be so cruel!
Brilliant post. Anyone who is struggling with no contact or trying to make sense of what happened should read and reread this.
Rule number 5. Sums it up perfectly.
Thank you MLC.
5. Do it alone.
+9 cease to exist.
Good luck with that.