The Narcissistic Truths – No. 174
53 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 174”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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HG, has someone (from the people who know you) ever questioned your inability to have long and stable romantic relationships? The fact that you are constantly changing partners would be a clear sign for me that something is wrong with you. No matter how good your excuses are, after a while, I would not believe you anymore. Has someone ever mentioned this to you?
A few people have mentioned it. I explain it is because they cannot cope with the travelling that I do etc. That is always accepted. Plausible deniability at its finest.
Thank you very much for your response, HG! Always appreciate you!
HG, I am currently NC. He has other sources to supply his fuel which is making it easier on me. That being said, I suspect that he was relying on me to help him with a financial situation. He never came out and said this but I sensed it which is one reason I went NC. His other sources will not help him and the financial deadline is closing in. Should I expect a Hoover not for fuel but for what I can give him?
Yes. You have assessed the situation accurately. You remain a significant residual benefit and therefore there will be a benign hoover to that end. Ensure a robust NC and reject any hoover which might get through.
Thank you HG. I will do exactly as you say…it actually give me a little pleasure knowing this will hurt him…he should have taken care of the source that feeds him. Tsk tsk
HG have you ever written an article about how a midranger would rationalize the need for fuel when they don’t know about it? It would be interesting to read a blog from the perspective of a MR about the feelings they are having and how they justify purposely (if it is on purpose) upsetting someone else. The unconsciousness of it all is fascinating.
There is not specific blog on this point albeit the point is mentioned in various pieces. With a Mid Ranger it is uncommon for them to purposefully to set out to upset someone. Rather they would do so as a collateral consequence of defending themselves. Some will cause upset but it is justified because you have done something wrong and thus deserve it.
Hg do MR narcs hoover IPSS if they have disengaged from that source? How likely is a former IPSS to enter the 6th sphere?
Yes. Low.
What about if the secondary intimate source was placed on the shelf? I understand a hoover trigger would still have to be activated. So if the narc told her not to contact him but that he will contact her at some point, the 6th sphere becomes even more important. What is the likelihood of her entering his 6th sphere?
It will happen but one cannot determine the frequency or how soon (or otherwise) that it will happen.
I experienced it first hand! I went NC after trying hard to get closure. The rage that I cut him off and that I blocked his sorry ass was first surprising but then it all made sense. Stupid me opened the door thinking I could handle it but so stupid of me. Selfies, missing our sex and promises came out… but wait I only wanted closure (of course not getting it) so I shut the door and put nails in it. He is now aware yet.. or maybe he is .. wish I could hear the cracking sound… I know a new rage is coming my way. Oh… just to mentioned that the Hoover was only via social media app and not in person thank God!
We are not stupid we are empathetic and perhaps codependent…
Let the cracking begin 🤣
I have the weirdest feeling he is waiting for me to be ripe so he can pick me again… still too reluctant and don’t fall for his crap so that’s why he is only testing the water?! Am I right HG? Communicated like our separation and all that happened never happened? So odd.. Lining me up for a new loveboming episode perhaps?
Don’t worry I’ll never be ripe again ..
I’m a sour grape 🍇
There are those of our kind who will wait for you to ‘ripen’ again. That may be you recovering from being in a position of not providing fuel owing to having broken down or awaiting the vulnerability which comes with complacency.
Is the construct essentially a N logical chain that NC interrupts? All this X caused Fuel. BUT now he/she is now no contact. So… if THAT is possible then… X doesn’t cause Fuel. Oh no! What causes Fuel? What is X? Is that sort of how the construct is built?
See ‘Fury’.
I can’t wait to read this one!
Interesting… the black eyes encasing the fury as the mask begins to crack from the absence of fuel. Sort of sadistic, but I actually gain a great deal of delight from knowing that my no contact could cause such a reaction. Hmm… perhaps I’m feeling that sense of “Power” that HG so often speaks of.
same here, Nina, same here.
I watched a vid on this very analogy in a no contact healing way. Looking to climb the stone wall directly isnt the answer its walking along it(time) and the wall tapering off so you can see the other side. I love that analogy. Its the steps that are healing and with no contact that walls super high but over time it is possible to get over.
This meme i think is referring more to the narc tho and how they crumble without our fuel.
I had a narc exfriend at my sons sporting event give me the present silent treatment yesterday. I at first had no clue why but it dawned on me bc i in a way initiated no contact. Shes a midrange victim narc or presents that way. Everytime im around her i leave feeling devalued and like crap so i decided to more or less ghost the farce of a friendship bc i dont have time for people jn my life that treat me that way. She obviously felt parched from the lack of my fuel being her dumpee and tried to silent treat me as i stood by her and her hubby. It backfired bc her hubby started a conversation with me which clearly made her seething inside. I walked away and i now see it for what it is another narc with issues. I dont have time in my life for silly games like that. Shes in my no contact list and she can dry out from one less source of fuel.
Narc Affair
Sort of funny (and a little pathetic) that they erroneously think so much of themselves that they think they are punishing us with their silent treatments when it may be more pleasant to us to be left alone.
Makes me wonder how many times a narc has submitted me to what they thought was a withering silent treatment and I never even noticed! 😝
It will have happened, indeed.
HG
When this does happen and we are subjected to a silent treatment that we don’t even notice, do you think the narcissist is aware that we neither notice nor care? If so, doesn’t this tick them off? Or is it more often that they think they are teaching us a lesson and remain totally oblivious to reality?
Or maybe they aren’t trying to wound or teach us at all – just pulling back to lick their wounds and recover from a perceived criticism?
Lower echelon narcissists are unlikely to notice initially until they find there is no attempt by your to engage with us “What is wrong” “Why won’t you answer my calls” . Upper echelon would notice quicker. If you have not responded to a manipulation by giving us fuel, it irritates.
Hi windstorm…this was an intentional present silent treatment exactly how HG has decribed it in the blogs. Everytime id go to say something to her she would talk over me to someone else. At first it didnt dawn on me why she was being this way but then i knew she knew i had been ghosting the friendship. I never did it in an obvious way but narcs are very good at reading in between the lines and she knew i no longer wanted to be around her. Id never go out of my way to snub her or be rude but i chose not to be around someone who i knew was a narc and who made me feel badly. She would be nice at times but then covertly devaluing me other times…intermittent reinforcement. Her fuel was by diminishing me and i seized my power and removed myself from that dynamic which she evidently didnt like.
Her hubby im sure has experienced much worse silent treatments and devaluing. I could tell by the way he reached out to talk to me he felt badly for her behaviour but i in no way attached him to how she was being. The fact im educated in narcissism i know better than to take it personally bc i know im not the only one shes treated this way. She puts on the facade of the loving caring mother and wife but when weve been out together as couples shes treated her hubby so awful. Shes said horrible things about him to me(smearing within the relationship). Its a cycle and their toolbox they use on many.
I had to laugh bc i left briefly with a friend and she commented to my hubby “theyre gone again!” Insinuating i wasnt cheering my son on or being there for him when id just stepped out to get a coffee. He ignored her comment as if he didnt hear what shed said. Im sure she meant for it to get back to me but the jokes on her bc i dont care.
It really helps knowing what youre dealing with to not fall into their trap by reacting or giving them any validation that theyve gotten to you.
I feel good in seeing the signs and detaching early on. I need to trust my gut and detach sooner tho. Shes set the bar now for how we communicate in the future bc i will only converse with her hubby and son. Ive now gone full no contact with her.
Mine tried to convince me that he was doling out to me a silent treatment before I initiated NC. It was really a dress rehearsal of mine for NC, and his attempt to blame shift for the fact that I’d left him. He couldn’t bear to accept responsibility for his own behavior, of course. Not like any of us would know anything about that on this site.
Anna
What!?! You had a narcissist who couldn’t accept responsibility for his own behavior!?!? I can’t believe it!!! Lol!! 😝
..I can understand how this could be applied as well to how the empath feels when applying no contact , it depends entirely on which mind set the empath is adopting and where the empath is on the process of the three battles to go through. It feels hard for the empath at the beginning of the process but it gets easier with time as the empath shifts her/his mind set. But as they say: sometimes the medicine tastes worse than the disease…
..it makes the narcissist starving of fuel, dehydrating …the facade ( part of the construct) cracking, ultimately threatening to crumble down completely if the narcissist does not have any immediate alternative sources of fuel…
That is exactly why No Contact is such a powerful weapon against them……neutralising ( I did not write killing since it sounded very harsh and non empathic) them slowly with silence ….
you are rigth..its hard..its painfull but its the only way..
Hello Angela,
Thank you for your comment! Do you mean is painful for the narcissist or for the empath? If you mean the narcissist, I think (at least the upper schools) that they have such an extensive fuel matrix that they find an alternative source quite soon( doesn’t necessarily being intimate at the beginning but could be family, friends etc.)
One thing that still puzzles me is :
if their need of fuel is to keep their construct driven by the fear of unlocking the “Creature”…
How do they know that the Creature exists if they ( those who are aware of how they function) have never confronted it?
Superxena
Oh they know the creature’s there. They may not think of it as a “creature”, but the self-aware ones understand reality and their own weaknesses. They know what they are working so hard to keep everyone else from seeing and in the back of their minds there is always a fear lurking that others will notice. When they are in the spotlight, the center of someone else’s attention they can focus on that fuel and temporarily forget their weakness. That’s why they crave fuel so much. It keeps them from thinking about their own inner reality. At least that’s how it’s always seemed to me.
That’s why I think your higher level narcs can mellow after hitting the bottom of alcohol or drug addiction. They’ve been forced to acknowledge their feet of clay and seen that they have survived and people still think well of them and fuel them. The creature was seen and the world did not end. They don’t have to constantly “pretend” to be perfect and all powerful. In fact, they really can’t anymore. There secret has been blown. They often come to greater value and protect those around them who know what they are and continue to support them.
Hello again Windstorm2,
…the Creature….
They sense that it is there but they avoid it (at whatever price) and do not confront it.
It is hard to understand but as I have sensed this fear in the relationship with my ex : the fear to confront his inner self, his void, his emptiness.I can imagine that they see the Creature as this feared void and inner emptiness.
There is only one way of knowing it: to confront it. But just the thought of doing it terrifies them.
As you say, when hitting rock- bottom the confrontation is unavoidable . I wonder if some of those who physically subsist after this: do they feel alive or dead when the facade is gone? Would it be enough for them then to be surrounded by people that stayed with them ,that care for them even knowing what they are?
I don’t understand. What does this mean?
It means no contact deprives us of fuel and may result in the construct fracturing and cracking.
It may result in the construct fracturing, but it is very seldom. There is always a new woman in the back or better a lot of women to comfort him and to tell him what a Superhero he is. There must be much more than NC of one woman. If all women and friends and business friends and family let him down then there is a chance that his construct breaks down. Not very much earlier. Lucky times for Weinstein.
But it can be repaired by another unsuspecting empath so it doesn’t make me feel better. I would feel better if they were all dead.
Are you saying you cannot be “hurt” because hurt requires you to experience life, and you don’t really go through it?
Indeed, your no contact wounds and causes a cessation of fuel which means reliance on supplementary sources. Sometimes this is not a problem and we manage easily on these supplementary sources until we have acquired a new primary source. Some of our kind experience more of a problem, especially those who have limited access to appliances and have been burning bridges over many years. Invariably however we find fresh prey readily enough. We experiencing wounding, rather than being hurt by life.
I saw the incredible stoic and “I-don’t-care” behavior, “pocker” faces, anxiety, irritation, desperation, even hysterical behavior as an external manifestation of no contact, but I always sensed the pain inside of Narcs. Always. Very deep and hidden pain. Very intensive pain. Is it that “wound” you are talking about, Tudor? Pain?
That is wounding.
NC cracks us too. 🎭
And only fuel can relieve that pain… Right?
Correct.
I know how it feels exactly. Been there.
To help you to get rid of that pain for forever, means to work with its origin. It isn’t easy, but very possible.
Thank you for your answer, Tudor. I appreciate it.
That’s disturbing! Is that supposed to be a narc empty and fuel-starved? If so, I don’t imagine he stays that way very long. They FEAR this happening, but I doubt they actually stay suffering hardly at all. They’ll be off to find fuel. Most probably already have their new fuel lined up in advance.
Of course on the flip side, that’s a good depiction of how we feel by the time we implement no contact. And we’ve usually felt like an empty broken mess for quite a while before and still will for quite a while after.😣
Are you saying that NC cracks the mask of the narc?
The construct.
Really struggling with this again after a weak weekend of been drawn in then verabally abused and made to feel worthless
S Debs
I couldn’t bring myself to type out “stupid” in your name. That’s not you, that’s something you picked up from a narc. I realized many years ago that whenever a narc insults me and tries to make me feel stupid, it’s projection. It’s what they fear
Is actually true about themselves.
From what I’ve seen, whenever a narc gets angry, it’s usually because they are afraid – afraid of losing control, afraid of looking stupid, afraid of not being as good and superior as they want to think they are. Whenever one of your narcs runs you down and gets mad at you, remember that. It really has nothing to do with you – they are just feeling afraid, weak and pathetic and trying to puff themselves up to feel better.
Of course, the way I see it is their fears are justified. If they have to hurt others so they can feel good about themselves, they really are weak and pathetic. The next time a narc yells at you or insults you, just look back at him and remember that. He’s really the one who’s weak and pathetic. He’s actually describing himself.
Stay here on this site, read listen and share. It will help you find your strength and hopefully make you want to change your name. ❤️
Dear Debs,
Firstly, you are not Stupid Debs and I shall not call you that. How about Smart or Sensible Debs because you are here.
Sorry to hear of your horrible plight! Try not to respond to verbal abuse if you can, they like playing games and pushing your buttons ….. and you, lovely Debs, are definitely NOT WORTHLESS!
Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel … with Mr Tudor’s help and knowledge. You have our support!
Please take care
💜
It’s unanimous! We insist you drop the “stupid” for you are not that. If anything, you were conned. So, Please amend your handle 🙂 xoxo
Yes, I agree – please drop the ‘s’ word… it does not apply to you at all !
I agree as well. Please don’t name yourself stupid. You are not. I’ve done really stupid things but I’m not one dimensionally stupid and neither are you.