Poll- Which Of These Forms Of Manipulation Have Been Used Most Often Against You?
You will have experienced many different types of manipulation having been ensnared by a narcissist or more than one. You may not have realised what the manipulation was at the time and only worked it out after the event.
Was there a particular manipulation that was used against you more than the others? Perhaps one narcissist used it a lot or it has become a common theme used by the various narcissists you have entangled with? Did the narcissist use sex to manipulate you, through withdrawing it or making you do sexual acts you were not comfortable with or maybe sex was given as a reward if you were compliant? Were you the recipient of lots of Present Silent Treatments through sulking and cold shoulders? Maybe you found that the narcissist used contradiction a lot through saying one thing and doing another? It might have been that you were subjected to word salads as you fought to understand what on earth was going on.
Whichever was the manipulation that was used the most against you, choose one from the list and do please expand on how this affected you and why you think this one was used against you more than others.
Thank you for participating.
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My sociopath used gaslighting as his main manipulation, he HAD to as he used a fake identity-fake name, fake career, had a fake home, fake divorce, fake exwife, fake relatives that I MET, basically 99% of what he told me was a lie. He did have two real kids, and used their real first names-but spelled them differently, but managed to manipulate me from meeting them for over 5yrs. It was always our greatest issue and he had an impressive, massive web of lies he told to avoid this from happening….because of course they had no idea their dad was cheating on their mother nor that he was a sociopath. He had a cover of 32yrs using his family and church presence to fool them all. Even his own siblings were fooled by him. He had been sleeping with both men and women for at least 10yrs that I could trace back once I learned his true identity but likely it had gone on his entire marriage. I exposed him to anyone I could protect with my knowledge. My super empath nature motivated me to protect others from him as best I could, but he will never be stopped. I could spend the rest of my life trying to protect people from him and could never come close to keeping ahead of his pathological existence! I pray for his future victims…especially his exwife and his daughters. I was cheated on by my ex and never would have knowingly involved myself with a married man. I have more anguish about that than my heart being shattered by the illusion of this relationship.
There were so many manipulations used at different times.
Literally all of them at one time or another.
He was checking to see which ones worked.
Most of the time, once the love phase ended, he was found in his office. He wouldnt speak to me for hours.
My reactions were intense in the beginning and then i would step back. All i could do sometimes was acknowledge that his actions were decisions he made….and were not a reflection of me. This is when he began checking off the list.
I think gas lighting was a nose to nose second.
That was the one that was so confusing.
Neither of us girls (both of us were living in the same house at the time) thought to be brave and directly ask the other why we reacted or behaved as we did. I berate myself for that sometimes.
After i escaped, her situation shortly after began to reflect the experience i was having just before i got out of there. I tried to help her see, but she was in too deep just like i was (when i was there).
Every time the opportunity presents itself, i bring up this site to friends, relatives, even strangers if the topic arises.
It has been a real gift a year and a half out of this relationship to have found solutions through these writings which i can implement to change my behaviour and see the red flags coming.
Warm energy
My narc withheld love, affection, and attention as a way if life. Good sex was the only affection I received; the better the sex I gave, the more positive attention I received. So I learned to be a sexual beast in order to receive “love”. Now I look back at the things I did, and enjoyed; and am appalled. How easily he trained me.. almost like Pavlov’s dogs…
Hello Deneene, I get that experience. My last Narc did not behave in a loving way with me physically though he was very sexual. That need for love runs very deep I am glad he just didn’t know how to play it. My previous boyfriend was very affectionate passive aggressive, sexually I was hooked. I am so sorry you were hooked like that.
Even more straight forward – he is a narcissist, you have no need to engage with him at all.
^ pretty much the alpha/omega of all we need to know & DO
Hello Mrs Linton, thanks for sharing that story. I love happy endings too 🙂
You are welcome NE.
Mr.Tudor
What is going on in a narcissists head when a supply says
“I dont like it when you go on a big tirade, it’s unpleasant”
Unconsciously, fuel and there is more to obtain here.
Consciously – who are you to tell me that I should not express my opinion and I don’t go on a tirade, you are just making that up.
Thank You
That is interesting to get both sides of the thought
We are less than a hooker to a Narc-we are a run of the mill toaster he doesnt even have to pay. In fact he will use one AND PAY HER while hes with us because thats how little he regards us.
Sometimes you gotta wonder whose got it wrong.
😳😳😳😭😭😭🙄☝️✔️
I actually referred to myself as the “whore du jour ” . but honestly I paid a much higher price for sex than he ever did.
There are many forms of currency in a relationship.
Tappan Zee,
This just tripped another memory for me. A long while ago before I began posting here. After one of our visits, he was very withdrawn from me (which was usual behavior) and when I asked what was wrong and did he want to talk about it he said he felt bad. When I asked why it was, “I love you and I care for you, you mean so much to me but I treat you like a whore”. And of course at the time I was all, “What? You really think that?” And he said “well it sure would seem like it wouldn’t it?” I was just “I don’t know you are the one that is saying that. Is that what you think I am?” Him: “No of course not, that is not what you are, you are a friend to me”. A friend? A FRIEND? And that loops back to the discussion about how he has sex with all his friends that he has that “attraction” to. And round and round it goes. No idea why I am sharing this, it just seems every time someone posts something another memory just gets tripped. I guess that just goes back to the puzzle analogy.
narc angel is who i copied but RIGHT!
I wanted to post again to thank everyone for the comments over the last few days. I’ve been back here so many times, rereading everything over and over. I have not had a chance to like and/or comment on every response directly to me, but I have re-read everything so many times. As much pain as I’m in I keep thinking of the words “penis cozy”, “sexual pervert”, “peasant”, “charitable service by fucking” and “fucking fake church dude” and at least those things are making me laugh. And also those of you who want so much to kick him in the balls. And even the less funny and more firm replies (which as much as they hurt (truth hurts) I have reread them over and over again)…
I did book a consult with HG and hope to hear back in a few days.
The rest of you, thank you for being there for me. Just ….thank you. Tuesday will mark one week since the nasty texts. I haven’t reached out. Oh I want to but I’m scared to. I also don’t want to. It’s an ongoing battle in my head. This must be how drug addicts feel. One day at a time right?
Thanks again all. 💜
Gabrielle I’m in the same boat as you mine is not married but I have the same addiction to him as you do I analyze everything he says and does I check his social media he’s not good for me either not giving me what I need either I wish their was inpatient detox rehab for people in this situation I have to take it one day at a time too good luck
Overthinker,
(Great name by the way, I am an over thinker too. LOL).
It is amazing how we all seem so similar with all of this. I wish I could have my memories erased ala Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I add my thanks to everyone too – thanks everyone for sharing so much of your experiences.
Gab, the song popular at the moment – OK – Robin Schulz – seems to me exactly that.. the video is that theme
(I also think the answer is 42 is appropriate – we try so hard to make sense, but we can’t bc it’s nonsense!)
https://youtu.be/P9-4xHVc7uk
Gab,
I’m so proud of you! Talk to HG he will help you – shit he helped me and I’m in the mental health profession lmao!
Dear Gabs, a thought just crossed my mind. In my first job, I used to work with orthopedic patients before and after their surgery. I silently admired their courage because losing a body part is painful, physically and psychologically. I would ask the surgeon, ‘Is there no way you could have helped this person without amputating and letting him/ her face so much pain?’ The doctor would reply, ‘No, I understand your sentiments but I had to amputate for the patient to live. There was no other way. The disease would get worse and the patient would die. The only way to stop the disease was to cut off the infected part completely.’
After some time, I would come across the patients again. This time, they were healtheir, laughing and had started adjusting to life without that body part.
That is how I see no contact. The only difference is that we are the surgeons.
Hello Roju, I remember many years ago seeing a lady who I had got to know well,
who had diabetes and gangrene, She was desperately trying to save her last leg but the surgeon told her it had to go. She looked dreadful so sick and pale but I told her she was going to feel so much better soon. I saw her in the months following and she was a different person rosy cheeks bright eyes that leg that she thought she needed had only hindered her. She laughed when I told her I hadn’t thought she believed me, she did amazing in rehab, I love a happy ending.
Excellent thoughts – thank you for sharing those insights, Roju & Mrs Linton
Gabby you should stop seeing your narcissist for your own good:
e.g.:
Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your pallet, and walk.” 9 And at once the man was healed, and he took up his pallet and walked.
14 Afterward, Jesus found him in the temple, and said to him, “See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse befall you.”
Just a warning!
Even more straight forward – he is a narcissist, you have no need to engage with him at all.
True HG but she doesn’t listen to that 🙂
Brian,
WTAF???!!!
You can threaten us with hell!
BUT!!
We have been there and back! Some more than once.
How bout you talk bout why YOU’RE here?
Then you tell us where this criticism is constructive in your situation?
Brian are you warning us about sinning? Haven’t we got enough going on? I don’t need religion as well thanks all the same.
I voted for silent treatments but sexual manipulations became an increasingly relied upon manipulation tactic.
He constantly pressured me to be a stripper / do online porn (a virtual money maker according to him) / hire prostitutes for threesomes / join swinger clubs / have sex with women for his “viewing pleasure only” he assured me / go to bars before him to flirt with other men (if others wanted me my market value increased, ergo his desire increased / be a dominatrix / make fetish live internet sites / visit sex clubs in San francisco… Any value or moral compass I held became a new challenge.
If I said no – well it was on. He systematically punished me; passive aggressively campaigned against me; and deployed marketing campaigns meant to pick apart my “antiquated morality”.
I did agree to go to a swinger club. After a few visits, and after I was regular chatted up by couples, women and men he sulked continually. While I was being courted he pouted, drank wine and tried to lure women through outrageous boasts of owning a Victoria Secret chain. He imagined boundless opportunities to triangulate and pretend sympathy for my failures. Convinced of his allure, charisma and charm…. The fact that others focused on me wounded him immensely.
A boundary worth the crossing… LOL
I’m sorry you lived all that, DFL. It seems to me you give a great example of – damned if you do, damned if you don’t – you gave in to what he wanted and yet he pouted & sulked.
..but I hope you see your immense worth he failed to appreciate 😊
TY Nuit. ..
I believe I have incredible worth to the right people… Depends on who really values what I am offering….
He demanded so much and the second I gave in or complied he became disgusted with my weakness.
Dickforlong, I’m sorry for what you went through. It’s degradation of the highest order. You keep wondering why you allowed yourself go through such. Please, forgive yourself. I wish you strength and courage to embrace a happy future without him.
Your experience reminds me of R Kelly. Some girls have come out to say the same thing, if not worse about him. I strongly believe he’s a narcissit-the very dangerous type.
Thank you roju….
The happy future is still on order but in many ways I don’t regret my experiences. I am grateful for them. I learned so much. So very much. Sometimes (except for the no contact thing) I actually want to thank him. He was a master abuser… And the education was invaluable. Especially now that I can interpret and recognize what it was all about. This site takes senseless suffering and turns it into life lessons.
Makes me understand I went through this for a reason. Thank goodness HG has turned my experiences into a valuable education. Suffering for sufferings sake no longer applies and has never appealed to me anyway. I appreciate your concern and good wishes. And in many ways I am still a bloody mess — maybe tomorrow I’ll be a clot.
I think the triangulation was used against me more than others because I’m the Married Target.
I suppose he could never accept that I have two men in my life and he has only me. It would seem that I’m stronger than him. It can not happen.
Maybe he wants also to prove to me (and himself?) that I’m actually not so important for him as I pretend.
The Triangulation was done with:
work
scooter
cat
exes
mother and grandmother (both already dead but still useful)
etc.
The Triangulation has created at the beginning the cold fury in me.
Now I’m OK with that,because thanks God and you, dear HG, I know it’s just a game.
HG?
AM I RIGHT WITH MY ANALYSES?
You are correct.
Dr HQ You don’t sound harsh at all, you sound like you care. You don’t criticise the victim.
im glad I’m not being misperceieved 😁
Dr Q,
Not hard at all.
I am sure being in your profession it’s hard to see someone suffering from abuse of others and self.
I am sure you contemplated how you would approach the situation and felt that approach was best considering the situation.
Gab, we all want you to see that you are worth so much more than you beleive. Tell him to kick rocks with his 10 minutes of shame. 😊
I, too, appreciate your impassioned, honest, no-nonsense approach to advice – I think I’d appreciate seeing you for your professional training! Your patients are lucky to have you!
Dr. QpsyD
I never misperceive you and I know exactly where you are coming from.
Yolo, NE, K,
Thank you ladies! Hugs from afar.
It’s nice to know that some people appreciate my unconventional approaches at times lmao!
Tappan Zee said. Or Narc Angel? Narc Affair? Shouting out to all three ladies as I cannot precisely remember who said it, but they said “they give us little inklings of truth throughout the shit they spew”….
TO GBZ— the way it’s worded sounds like Narc Angel or DQ (they both are more bad ass than me:) but the one who told us was HG. HE KNOWS. Because HE IS ONE. So whatever he tells you. Believe it. Even if it sucks. Especially if it sucks. I have found him to be one on my very short list of people to trust. Why? Zero personal vested interest. IN A GOOD WAY. No reason to manipulate us. No agenda other than to say the truth we so desperately seek. He tells it. Listen. Heed.
*Badass in training*
Correct.
Nearly all of them but could only put one. Sex was never a manipulation for me although Im pretty sure tHiNg thought it was. He made my skin crawl. No sex with him wasnt a punishment or manipulation, it was a reward!! The circular conversations drove me nuts. So did the word salad. Tick, tick, tick, tick and tick.