A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 43
Dear husband,
I’m writing this for myself and my girls because frankly the emotion of which I’m about to speak about is way over your head.
13 years. 13 years of intense devotion. 13 years of constantly lifting you up, trying to understand how and why you could hurt us in such sick and twisted ways. How you would sit there and smirk when you got us to cry or scream in frustration. How you would get turned on when I felt broken.
I always wondered why the things you said you loved about me where the very things you tried to stomp out of me. You’d criticize me, in front of people it was insidious, a look here a ridiculous smug smirk letting me know you thought anything I said was stupid. Or even just plain ignoring the girls and I altogether, speaking and laughing with everyone else and whenever we’d try to engage in the conversation you’d fall quiet and watch as we were hurt and humiliated.
When I would try to explain to you how hurtful your actions towards us was you’d always reply pathetically with “what exactly did I do”? That’s always your go to line. The abuse is constant and hard to always articulate and you know this.
You’re too happy for it to look like we just misunderstood you or the situation or that we are too needy. Yes we did need. I needed a husband who didn’t abuse me. Who didn’t steal my most precious and beautiful qualities for himself. My girls needed a father who loved them. Laughed with them. Played with them. A father who wouldn’t abuse and hurt them for sheer pleasure.
You know, I hear a lot about how the narc always wins and how victims run in fear from your kind. Afraid to ignite your fury and slink away into the shadows to wonder when or if your coming for us.
For some perhaps they may feel like that’s the best option for them, but for us, we will not hide from you. The reason for such a statement is simple. We haven’t done anything wrong. Yes I know to you and your fragile ego you have to believe otherwise, but reality check: you’re pathetic.
We’ve already won. We’ve won because We have the ability to genuinely love. We have the ability to tell the truth and treat others with kindness and respect. We value things, like the sunshine on our face simple things.
We’ve won because you couldn’t fully break us. We will heal and move on without a glance in your direction. The big bad scary narcissist, all powerful? Ha. You’re paranoid and constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your lies and mistresses haven’t been discovered.
Always afraid secretly that the mask will come tumbling down. That everyone will find out exactly how sick and all around disturbed and abusive you are. You’ll bring about your own downfall because you can’t accept the fact that you’ve met your match.
I won’t hide from a parasite like you. I won’t hide I won’t even acknowledge you. Silence. Ah your favourite tool of punishment right? But who’s ignoring who? When I leave the house do I ever say goodbye to you? When you speak do I ever really acknowledge your words anymore? No I don’t because I don’t care. Your words are nothing but lies and your presence is so underwhelming.
Seeing you for the cockroach you are is a win in of itself. So that’s it that’s all, ta ta. I’ll leave you to whatever it is that you do, the girls and I have a beautiful life to go ahead and live. I would say “goodbye ” but I’m sorry I didn’t even realize you were in the room.
38 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 43”
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You are beautiful and I am so proud of you for your courageous action
My narc ex-husband began hurting my children emotionally and was jealous of them so I left after two years. I cannot believe that a grown man who “wanted his own child” could put out his foot and trip my baby that was just taking his first steps and laugh about it. Jealous of a 9-month old! I could never apologize enough to my oldest two for bringing him into our lives. He wasn’t physically abusive to my other two but it was evidently he didn’t care about them. I thought we were going to have FUN and we did for a few weeks. I’m still proud of myself for leaving. But there have been other narcs and short relationships. Not proud of that.
I understand about the attitude of superiority that comes with the Greater I know because he is genuinely set apart. He knows it and no one would argue. But that Lesser husband of mine had no talent except to cook hamburgers on the grill. He actually told people that he taught me how to cook! What a laugh. I think I’ve said it before but he also had a great speaking voice which made him sound more intelligent. Voices can fool someone (me).
Great letter and you are important and special. The narcissists main goal is to diminish.
So much stood out to me jn your letter but the gaslighting hit home. The way he would be passive aggressive by not including you in conversations as if you werent worthy to be included and smirked at you when you tried is so very hurtful. Then to gaslight you by pretending it was a misunderstanding and that you were too sensitive/needy…oh boy have i been in your shoes! You try to point it out but the covertness of it is slippery and they make you look like the one whose out of line. Meanwhile they get a high off of the power rush of devaluing you and enjoying your brokeness. So insidious. Ive been there 🙁
My narc comes off the sweet understanding narc but i know under his mask hes cursing me for all the times i pointed out what hes done to me. I no longer do that until it really gets to me. Im slowly like you learning to turn that switch off, the caring one where i care what he thinks. I look at his treatment of me from an outsiders view and think he has some nerve after all ive done for him and shared of myself. Im sure he thinks the same and i should be so thankful. My narc like yours has devalued me and made me feel less than i am. He builds me up only to covertly tear me down with his passive aggressive tactics except as time goes on i want to please him less and less.
It sounds like you reached your threshold and switched that switch of caring and needing your narc.
Do you still live with him? If so whats made you stay?
Thx so much for sharing and heres to a life filled with happiness and feeling good about the direction it takes 🙂
No I no longer live with him, after I unmasked him and realized my situation was getting dangerous for not only me but my children, we (us girls) had a powwow in my bedroom after he had gone after my oldest so harshly she said she felt broken, we literally in that moment made a pact that we were packing up our stuff and moving out immediately. We did just that. It took 2 days of barley any sleep and packing up and we were gone. The fear I had about leaving literally vanished when my daughter said those words to me. I knew no matter what for them to have a chance at life in any kind of healthy way we had to go and stay gone. Since then the transformation that has taken place for us three is night and day. My girls laugh everyday and arnt afraid to show emotion. They play with their friends and are able to relax in a safe environment when they need to just kick back. My youngest is now able to sleep alone in her bed something she was too afraid to do when we lived with the narc. I don’t cry every day anymore. I’m happy and I am not on guard every moment waiting for him to attack. The peace that has fallen on us is beautiful and healing. We can be silly again and dance around to music and have friends over without fear that the narc would humiliate us or ruin our plans. Life is so bright and we wake up with joy in our hearts 💕! Good luck to you and when you decide your ready leave and don’t look back. Your a beautiful spirit who doesn’t need anyone else controlling you. Your inately able to trust yourself and take care of yourself no matter what. Love and light girl, you got this! Xx
Hi protector. .ty for your reply and also your uplifting words they help more than you know! Im so thankful for the shared stories bc it gives strength and hope to those still ensnared and those teetering on the edge of leaving.
Its empowering how your life has changed so dramatically since leaving your narc. The fact your girls are thriving and you feel so much happier is proof you did the right thing and im sure it was scary taking those steps to leave but like you say you reached the end and knew things would keep spiraling downwards.
Youre a wonderful protector and mother 💓
“A mothers love trumps all”
This is probably why I wasn’t allowed to have my child.
But he could have several.
(Is there an emoticon for flippin the bird?)
Erin,
“a greater love can save an empath from her “love” of the narcissist.”
Your said it so beautifully clear. I made it so complicated and so hard, but it wasn’t. A mother’s love trumps all. As it should.
Step on the cockroach
I loved this letter!
It brings to mind that probably one of the ways empaths find their freedom from narcs is when others need protection and love. An empath woman might die at the hands of a lesser without a sound, but might pack her bags and escape if she has children to care for. It is not always the case, unfortunately, but it is interesting to think that a “greater” love can save an empath from her “love” of the narcissist.
Props to this woman, she sounds like a strong lady I would be proud to know.
Thank you for your kind words 🙏 and yes had it not been for my depth of love for my girls which way surpasses the love for the narc I would have died. When I knew if I stayed I wouldn’t be able to protect my kids from him, and really saw their potential future I didn’t hesitate. We literally packed up in days and moved out immediately. We are all doing amazing 😉
Hi protector….congras on choosing you and your childrens lives over the narcs. Its scary leaving but scarier staying.
Protector, just wondering if you are really out. Are you still living there with him? If so, get out. I lived your letter for a couple of years and he got nasty. So nasty I feared for my life. He could not hurt me with words anymore, I basically ignored him and psychical aggression got very real. And he started giving my girls more grief to get to me. I honestly believe I could have become an article in the newspaper if I hadn’t put a stop to the relationship.
That’s what happened to us. He did go after my children and that gave me the strength I needed to get out and protect and provide us with safety and a calm environment. My girls are flourishing as am I.
Someone is seizing the power.
Protector
Bravo for putting your children ahead of your own desire to fix him and see it through. People who say they stay for the children are deluded.
So glad you got out and are doing well!!
Jewellery internal work, Protector.
Bravo.
I feel sorry for what you have to go through, but this way of life won’t work out well. You need to leave. I lived like this for over 20 years and it made me so depressed, thinking about committing suicide every day, because you feel more lonely living with someone who doesn’t give a damn and mentally hurts you, than living by yourself. Get out and get a life of your own, with your girls.
I’m proud to say I’ve escaped and my children and I are safe and are healthy and moving on with the beautiful life we once thought we weren’t allowed to have!!
Someone has seized the power.
Protector,
that word “allow”. I thought when I became an adult, I wouldn’t have to deal with “allow” anymore. My narc made sure I understood my life was what he “allowed”.
I am continually amazed that certain unassuming little words are triggers for emotions. Even If my mind tries to say “Ha, nothing but words here”, the body still reacts.
Cockroach:)
Beautifully written.
Very well written! Your description of your husband reminds me in so many ways of my mother. Glad you have been able to move on beyond him.
HG, you are a brilliant writer.
I had a quick question for you: do you believe life to be some kind of simulation or video game? An N I know expresses this sentiment quite frequently…that he believes life is nothing but a simulation. How would this belief serve him or any narcissist who believes it to be true?…wouldn’t a simulation imply that things are out of your hands and something one doesn’t have control over?
Thank you.
It is provocation and a manifestation of paranoia.
Did you know that there is a team dedicated to trying to break out of this supposed computer simulation or game that we are alleged to be in? A specific team whose aim is to find the ctrl-alt-delete to breakthrough ‘the matrix’.
Ha, ha, ha!! That made me laugh! I guess that’s why those type movies are so popular. I personally think the only thing we can be sure of is that reality is nothing like it seems.
I do believe that we are spiritual beings operating in a physical dimension or reality. I believe we are playing, testing, learning and evolving throughout our lives towards specific predetermined (by us) goals. I assert that we attract certain people into our lives, perhaps old spiritual “friends” to learn from and also to teach and share these life lessons. I don’t know all the logistics or if there are multiple dimensions or lives, concurrent or consecutive. I only know that we each have a very specific reality, experience and life lesson to be learned and I believe that spiritually we are all evolving, connected, complete and perfect unlike our human selves.
This concept for me addresses the opposing forces we constantly encounter in life: the good vs evil, the Ying and the Yang, heaven and hell and even the Narc and the Empath. We all belong to and are connected in the universe and beyond. Richard Bach, one of my favorite authors addresses this theme throughout his many books.
It took me 55 years, but I believe I have recognized my life lesson. I have always sought love and approval from the very people in my life who were incapable of providing it, my Narcissists. I no longer fault myself, as I was groomed from birth for this role. I now recognize the fallacy of this core belief. I am learning that self-love and sharing my abundance of love with my fellow humans and my concept of God will more than sustain me. However, I may choose to love the Narcs from afar!
I agree beautifully stated
I am so happy for you to get him out of your life!
I love it when you said:
” Yes I know to you and your fragile ego you have to believe otherwise, but reality check: you’re pathetic.
We’ve already won. We’ve won because We have the ability to genuinely love. We have the ability to tell the truth and treat others with kindness and respect. We value things, like the sunshine on our face simple things.”
Their sense of superiority always baffled me!
They are attracted to the traits they later claim to hate and denigrate.
But I think since they don’t have them, they can never experience the wonder and enjoyment of life!
They try to live vicariously through us, it can’t work, so they punish us.
Perse
Good insights. I’ve never understood theybsense if superiority either. Your last three lines sum it up very well!
When you are set apart, there comes an inherent sense of superiority. Of course some of our kind have the ability and achievements to support such superiority, others do not.
I can understand that part about feeling superior when you feel yourself set apart, HG. I guess what I can’t understand is how can the ones who are such losers not realize that they are not really superior when confronted by so much evidence that they are not?
Maybe that’s why narcissism is a disorder. Something in their mind is blocking out reality and keeping them from seeing it. I wonder if they ever realize that so many people see them and make fun of them or ridicule them behind their backs? Maybe they pick up on this subconsciously and that triggers their fears of criticism?
Indeed Ws2 and you are correct, it is their narcissism which as a self-defence mechanism causes them to reject the evidence and maintain the delusion because to do to the contrary would bring down the construct. Remember, we have a different perspective to you and therefore even though you may present evidence of an individual being “a loser” their narcissism will deny it (because it has to) and then apply a different manipulation (if denial is broken through) a la The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence.
As to your valid question, Lessers do not see this, they are utterly oblivious. Mid Rangers will have moments where it breaks through (when fuel is low) and they suffer the horrifying realisation of what they are versus what they want to be.
Thank you for your explanation, HG. Your talking about different perspectives reminds me that everything depends on our point of view. We’re probably all both right and wrong at the same time. The only thing we can be sure of is 42. With that thought I’m going to try some mindfulness meditation. Hope you have a great day.
Indeed it does.
Loved this!! Girl after my own heart Protector! “Youve met your match”….I know how you feel! You wont slink away and hide either. Fantastic in my opinion! I didnt either. This could have been my story before my escape, minus the children, so I love this letter. I totally get it!!
Yes! Yes and a thousand yes! They despise the feeling not being in control, is their drug to survive. I felt every word. I felt the anger and the power that was restored because YES we did nothing but love, care, sympathize too much. Silence is a killer and the attacks come harder afterwards but when you don’t engage, their hunger isn’t being fed. They starve. I love this.