The Narcissist Has Stopped Giving
Whether you recognise you are ensnared with a narcissist, suspect you may be or doubt it, understanding that person’s behaviours with regard to the giving of gifts is useful. Not only will it enable you to identify a key indicator of the behaviour of the narcissist, but it will enable you to understand why the individual is behaving in this way. You will make sense of the nonsense and with that comes relief from confusion and anxiety.
This material explains
- What is behind the gift buying pattern of the narcissist
- Why this is a indicator exclusive to narcissists
- Explains the contrast with the gift buying behaviour of non-narcissists so you can make a comparison
- What factors impact on the behaviour in terms of the school of narcissist, cadre of narcissist and position in the fuel matrix of the victim
- What the narcissist is seeking to achieve through this and what you can learn from it
- Examples of what to expect from Greater, Mid Range and Lesser Narcissists
- Examples of what to expect from the Elite, Somatic, Cerebral and Victim Narcissists
- Even if you are not specifically interested in gift buying, if you want to learn more about the school and cadre of narcissists generally, then make use of this material as part of building your library knowledge.
Using HG Tudor´s unrivalled insight, gain information and understanding behind the curtain of narcissism.
This Logic Bulletin is delivered in an easy to understand audio file for just US $ 5.
50 thoughts on “The Narcissist Has Stopped Giving”
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Never got anything
I got nothing frm my ex mid range somatic. A few times, i got him something. I also wrote him poems often, expressing my deep feelings of love for him. He wud say my poems ‘r beautiful’.
At least he had enuf cognitive empathy to say that.
I got a vacuum cleaner one christmas, he went on and on about the lifetime warranty.
He ordered the vacuum cleaner because the housekeeper said ours didn’t suck anymore. She gushed over it, how wonderful it was. I didn’t use it for the first two years we had it. Now, no housekeeper, but it is a wonderful vacuum, so I use it.
Another was a toaster for mothers day. WTF?! I’m not his mother, and I don’t eat bread!!
I’ll trade a toaster for fizzy bath balls!
Perse
PS
I can trade away his stuff now, too.
What can I trade for about 40-50 differing golf clubs? Got 3 Big Berthas in there and about 5 ping putters!!
And 3 golf bags, One stands up on its own.
Perse,
“I got a vacuum cleaner… ” – omg i’m dying again! 😂
Perse: I love toast.
Tappen Zee,
I’ll see your monkey key chain and raise you a hard water replacement filter… lol.
JM—cheap crappy plastic disposal monkey key chains. i mean not all bedazzled or anything. like barrel of monkey quality. or less.
I got fizzy bath balls. With random toys inside. Like monkey key chains. Or fruit erasers. Like teenagers use. In the states at least. They are made by and marketed for teens. Don’t be jealous ladies.
Ill trade a generator for fruit erasers 😄
Narc Affair
Does your power never go out? Generators can be darn useful!
Not that you would ever want me near you WS2, but I picture you as living nearly off grid, shotgun resting on your lap in a rocking chair on your porch patting said shotgun and muttering,
” See i yah, eff bee ay, ay arr ess, them darn gonna get some of Ole’ Kentucky’s lead in their peasy asses if they mess with Mama Windstorm here!”
Ha, ha, HG! It’s not quite as bad as that! I did have my power go out for 23 days once after an ice storm. That makes a lasting impression on a person!
And while I of course have a 20 gauge, it’s just too heavy for an old woman. I sit with my long barrel Taurus Judge. It’s much easier to handle. It does fire shotgun shells, though, so I don’t even really have to aim. Suitably intimidating if anyone has to look down the barrel at me. 😊
Strapped. I understand they are so named because of the numerous members of the judiciary who carry that particular type of firearm.
HG
Ive heard that too. I wanted a Judge because it shot .410 shells. I love unusual handguns plus a shotgun is often more appropriate in the country.
There’s a gun supposedly out now that looks just like a cell phone. I’d really like one of those, but my gun dealer scoffed at ordering one from an unknown company and the way my grandchildren go for cell phones, I’d worry about having it on me. Probably wouldn’t be reliable anyway. Maybe if it’s still around in a few years.
Your mental image of me sounds a lot like Granny Clampet on the Beverly Hillbillies. You Brits have probably never seen that tv program. I’d never be sitting out in the open though. I’d be in the dark house, watching thru a crack in the curtains. Never surrender the element of surprise. 😝
I know of it.
Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Jed
Poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed
Then one day he was shootin’ at some food
And up through the ground came a bubbling crude
(Oil, that is, black gold, Texas tea)
The Beverly Hillbillies was a favorite program when I was young! My mother especially loved it. I loved all the Clampetts. We all knew people that matched each character! Lol!
I learned a very important life lesson from that show – always be myself, no matter what others think. Peoples opinions and expectations aren’t really important as long as Im true to myself.
I learned oil was important.
Ha, ha! That’s hilarious! I learned that oil could complicate your life and cause problems!!
Lol Windstorm i think that was the craziest gift i ever got from my dad 😄
HG! Ugh! Now the Beverly Hillbilly’s theme song is stuck in my head 🙂
“… monkey key chains” – lol!!! I’m dying!!
TZ
Theyre also lnown as bath BOMBS so maybe that was the message lol.
HG – always full of surprises!
Windstorm, we could be family 😉
Narc Affair – my narc dad once gave me a cookbook.. i was 14.. I treasured it actually..
My exhubby – def a narc – took me to look at rings.. then went & bought one I didn’t like in my absence. I truly enjoyed getting rid of that ring.
I got a lot of those lavish and expensive gifts in my relationship during the golden period. For birthdays, holidays, special occasions, and often without any reason to celebrate at all, he whisked me off and treated me to overnight stays in luxury hotels, complete with fancy meals and the whole package of champagne served in the room, a wonderfully expensive gift displayed in shiny wrapping paper on the bed and overall the whole romantic setup. His gifts were designer handbags, underwear, dresses and the likes. And these were beautiful of course and I was thrilled at feeling so special to the man I’d given my heart, but these gifts were never exactly right, they were never me. Not my colours or not my style. It was like he couldn’t be bothered to find out what I actually liked and just went ahead and bought me anything with a hefty price tag. That used to confuse me a lot. This lasted well over two years, but the effort he put into it lessened of course. For my last birthday I was given enormous amounts of candy, which I don’t eat.
I am a shelf IPSS involved to a lesser degree with a LMV Narcissist, so the comment by HG: “you can expect recycled gifts from the LL and ML Victim Narcissists” was spot on! Mine was a cheap, miserly sort. For his birthday and for Christmas I have always bought him expensive gifts tailored to his likes (he is a musician). In the love bombing stage, he would go on an on about how wonderful I was and “that’s too much. you’re too generous, etc…” He was generous with CDs of his music and his bands. For holidays, he has given me a few inexpensive gifts, but I appreciated them because he always cries poverty and I was conditioned as a child to feel guilty receiving gifts. The kicker was for my birthday, he made a big deal of it beforehand. I thought we might go out somewhere. Instead, he called and invited me over for dinner. His mom explained “well, we had to eat anyway…” (thank you, very much!). He told me he had been working on several projects, but hadn’t finished any. Then he went to his bedroom, fished out an old t-shirt of his, balled it up, and presented that to me. I laughed. It all seemed so ridiculous. By this time, my Narc was bored with me and HG explained it was not a devaluation, but that I had already been shelved, even though I was not aware of it, and triangulated with another old flame in his past just for good measure. Do I know how to pick them?
Geyserempath…..my narc is also a musician as well. (mid range cerebral)….So eerily creepy…
I love your screen name by the way.
All of them certainly have a lot of common qualities, don’t they? Thank you so much, gabbanzobean!
I was conditioned to feel guilt whenever I receive a gift. So I have never cared for gifts really. I have always told my narcs not to give me gifts.
Also, I love flowers but, unlike you HG, I prefer them alive 😁
Lou,
My Narc always played the guilt card when he received a gift from me. I am curious as to why you were conditioned to not feel guilt when you were given a gift? My mid range acted in the same manner as you describe. He often said “I do not deserve gifts” and he would ask me not to buy him things. So I agreed and I stopped. But I began writing things for him instead. I wrote him “50 Reasons why I Love You”. He said it was “amazing and overwhelming”. I am assuming you are not a narc and have some reason why you were conditioned to not want gifts? I am just curious as to why. Thanks!
Hi Gabbanzobean,
Sorry, I had not read your message until now.
I am not a narcissist. It was my narc mother who conditioned me to feel guilt whenever she gave me something, or I asked for something. She was very generous sometimes but, whenever I asked her for something I needed or wanted, I could clearly feel she did not like it (because she had to have control and because she did not like spending in me and my sisters), so I stopped asking and always tried to get things on my own. I always felt like a burden for her and always tried to make myself lighter for her. Of course, she always had expensive cosmetics and clothes.
So, actually, It is not that I have asked my narcs to not give me gifts. It is rather that a part of me feels uncomfortable when I get a gift from them (although, if I am totally honest, there is still a little girl that would like to get a nice gift too). I haven’t given it too much thought, actually. But I certainly have difficulty to ask for things. I just get them myself. And I am ok with that.
Hope this answers your question.
Lou, thank you for your perspective. The additional information that you gave was helpful. My perspective was looking at it from the romantic relationship rather than a parent child relationship. I often need to remind myself that the narcissistic tendencies can happen within families and not just within romantic relationships.
Every day is a learning step for me.
Wow my heads spinning. Its no wonder being with a narcissist is utterly confusing.
I had to laugh at the lesser giving stolen gifts and indian giving. I envision a lesser stealing the flowers off someones grave to give as a gift 😄
My narcs a cheapskate plain and simple. I get the feeling he doesnt want to spend a lot bc he doesnt feel he should have to. Im not materialistic and it never really bothered me. I do think in regular relationships gift giving can taper off too. You cant expect gifts to keep being given on a regular basis. Where i think the difference is is the pattern in the giving. If youre being spoiled and all of a sudden the gifts stop and coincide with a devaluement of some sort then you know its likely a narcissist youre dealing with. Its that whole positive reinforcement thing. You know when youre being devalued and if gift giving decreases then you know its linked to the narc abuse cycle.
Its hard to know bc nothings cookie cutter. Ive worked around very wealthy people who are the cheapest people youd meet. That being said i dont know if any were narcissists and narcs do like to use gifts and so forth to love bomb. Im not sure the way gifts are given can be a positive indicator but definitely i could see red flags being seen. That give and take away is the hallmark of narcissism.
Well at least I don’t have to mourn the loss of getting those great gifts. My exhusband never has been one to get anyone any gifts. Although now he will pay for gifts if I ask for something, as long as someone else does the actual shopping. Don’t think he’d do flowers or jewelry, though. He’d consider them stupid wastes of money.
WS2 If you were from Kentucky(Kentucky Derby Area) you’d be taking HG Snipe hunting.
HG, what does it mean if you were a shelf DLS but never received gifts at all? The narc at issue was a middle mid-range somatic. Thank you!
There was no need to provide you with any gifts.
Thanks so much for clarifying, HG! Much appreciated!
You are welcome.
I was a DLS to my mid range cerebral. He made many PROMISES of gifts (we will go to see that show, we will go eat at this restaurant together, etc.) but he never meant it. He often complained he had no money and woe is him, etc.
My “gifts” included him sending me music…stuff that he wrote or arranged himself…(he is a musician)….and the only show tickets I ever got were tickets to see his show. LOL.
On the other hand I gave him several meaningful gifts tailored to what he liked. For example a tin container with his favorite super hero on it filled with his favorite candy inside as one example. He acted like it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him and he made a huge deal about it. I am sure that was just for show. He also made a pity party out of it “you are too good to me, I do not deserve this….I do not deserve any gifts from anyone”….blah blah blah pity pity pity blah blah blah.
But yeah….as a DLS I guess my point was that I did not really get many gifts. Just having his time and attention was gift enough for me. He knew that though which made devaluing me so much easier.
Ok HG …. what about no gifts ever and you’re the dls? Not even a simple card… nothing
There was no need to provide you with gifts.
That’s probably why I never got any either. Since I picked him and there was never any romance or golden period, he didn’t need to get me gifts.
Why not ? He told me in the beginning I don’t buy women gifts they buy me … at first I assumed a joke … but then I never got a thing yet it was me buying him gifts and if he was mad and I tried to give him a gift he would say no I’m good meaning I’m not messing with you I’m angry at you yet I saw him buy the perfume I buy all the time for myself he bought for her and he bought he flowers several times and told me he had too it was her birthday … etc
He saw it as necessary to buy her gifts.
He did not see it as necessary to buy you gifts because he exerted control and drew fuel in a different way. Further, by not buying them for you, he could triangulate and provoke you by buying them for others.
The whole time I thought it meant he loved her
Absolutely and that is what you were meant to think. He did not and does not and never will.
He told me he did not and has never loved anyone except his only son … so why but her my exact perfume? How can one live and never love?
To provoke you as I stated. It tells you that
a. We just see you as objects;
b. You are replaceable;
c. To make you think he prefers her over you so it upsets you.
It is the way we are.
HG thanks for all the input … it has helped in making me understand …and maybe I can be stronger
You are welcome.