A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 48
I have wanted to face you to tell you things many times. You live so close and yet you seem so far away.
The pain I felt when we parted ways was the deepest pain I had ever felt and I still feel the pain deep inside. It is there locked away as I try to pretend it does not. I don’t want to feel it so I bury it . I faced it the only way I knew how until I finally was able to place it away . No one understood as I became broken and all had always seen me as strong. Yes, it broke me. It broke me more to see your pain as I couldn’t help you. I didn’t even know how to help myself much less you and I grieved.
I told you, you seemed like two different people and you said you were. I didn’t understand and you said you couldn’t explain it to me as you didn’t even understand it.
Do I hate you? No. I sometimes wish I could but you see, I am not made this way. Oh, I could pretend I do but not to myself as I have to look at my image in the mirror each day. I don’t know hate. You hated me for loving you and said so. You said you didn’t deserve my kind of love. You did, even if you are what you are.
People asked why I couldn’t just get angry with you. Begged me to do so. I tried….. I begged God to allow it and yet I never did. Does this make me weak? Maybe in your eyes and yet, I see it as being strong. I felt broken and yet you didn’t break me. I never stopped loving you. I never will if I am being honest. Others wouldn’t understand that but you know me and know I won’t ever. You or the other you were my best friend. I loved both sides of you. I just couldn’t love this away. I am sorry I failed you but I finally had to heal the best I knew how . For me and for you. You now know how strong I am even though I showed weakness. You saw true love even if you couldn’t feel it.
I have moved on but a part of you will be with me forever. You taught me so much and I was able to see not only my strengths but my weaknesses. I learned about you and I learned more about me. I am thankful.
I don’t know hate but you wanted me to know it just as much as I wanted you to know love . We are who we are. We may never know what we both felt. We can only try to understand it.
I am not mad nor sad. I don’t feel sorry for you nor for myself. I am just glad I learned and I hope you will one day accept who I am just as I have accepted who you are as we were meant to learn this.
You locked our love lock and forever it will stay that way. It was a love that although different was meant to be locked away in both our hearts . Just in a different way.
More than words…..
J
18 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 48”
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You’re speaking for me. I feel like you do. I journal, because no one would ever understand what I’m going through and why. Only people who have experienced it or are continuing to. Thanks for your article. I’ll keep trying to move forward on my journey, as well as you on yours. We are not alone. We are not weak.
This is so beautiful. Poetic in many ways. The part where you say your narc wanted you to know hate like you wanted them to know love….very true!
I can really relate to what you say about wanting to hate him but not being able to. Itd be so much easier if i were able to hate him but hating him would be akin to hating my own heart bc hes a part of my heart. Hes not been an easy narc to hate so ive given up and will resign to loving him while finding my way to freedom.
Ty for sharing 💓
“I learned more about me”
This is the clue.
Great letter, dear J!
Damn….. this is the only one I’ve related to. My dynamic with mine was/is like this, very unusual.
There is always going to be some argument as to whether what you and I do, looking at ugliness directly in the face with love and complete acceptance, is a weakness or a strength. And what I have learnt during this time is, you are who you are. You will act how you will act. You will love how you will love. There’s nothing wrong with taking advice from other people but overall be proud of who you are and DO NOT question yourself too much cause people telling me “you shouldn’t love like this, you’re weak if you act like this” didn’t do me any favours. It didn’t change who I was and just wrecked my self esteem (even more so than my NARC ever did).
You are a QUEEN. And your life is YOUR kingdom. Only you will know how to rule it. Empaths are not just people you can put into labels and boxes. We are still all SO diverse. We are not simply “empath 1” and “codependent 2”. So own all that you are. Own your mistakes, your strong love, the times you took him back, the times you got hoovered, the times you think back on it and get sad because if you do not own these things, you won’t heal. There is no point beating yourself up about something about yourself that you can’t change. Trust me, I’ve tried fitting into everyone’s box and I just couldn’t do it. Am I “weak”? Maybe. But I’m not beating myself up over it now.
I absolutely love this part and totally agree with it:
“We are not simply “empath 1” and “codependent 2”. So own all that you are. Own your mistakes, your strong love, the times you took him back, the times you got hoovered, the times you think back on it and get sad because if you do not own these things, you won’t heal.”
…won’t heal and won’t take the upsides, grow!
Do you find this to be true, what she says about not knowing hate, while you don’t know love, and each of you wants the other to know those feelings?
How did you feel when you first read this letter? Did you respond to it (if so, how)?
My responses to the letters will follow in due course.
Oh, it’s going to be Responses to the letters?? Wow, what an idea!
Yes, from the various school of narcissist if they had been received.
Acceptance. Serene sadness. Strength.
Perfect. You are perfect. And not his.
Fantastic. In a narcissism sucks kind of way ;p
More than words reminds me of an early nineties rock song with those lyrics. Its a very unusual dynamic you have with your narc lots of forgiveness and acceptance.
“You hated me for loving you and said so. You said you didn’t deserve my kind of love. ”
I’ve seen this thing too! Couple of times my recent narcissist looked highly envious of feelings he extracted from me. He was offended by how deep they were… like he can not feel the same thing, want to enjoy it too, but can’t, and become angry on me, feeling i am living evidence he is incomplete in that way… That was so strange and sad to see. It was before I knew his inner world consists of power, envy and hate, as he put it…
Wonderful. You took the words of my thoughts and made sense of them. Good luck, J. x
I am so amazed at your loving acceptance.
J,
you are awesome!
Very well written. I can identify with this one. Very much how I felt, too.
Awe this must be fresh for you . Cognitive Dissonance is loud and clear here . As you process and realize your value you will be come stronger . It takes time. Do not lock love that wasn’t reciprocated away , call it what it was. It painful. It was abuse . He awakened you yes . Same happed here . Ugh it was horrible and everyday an exercise learning how to disassemble memories and put them in the garbage. It’s a real chore. Stay strong. Everything you fell in love with is right there in the mirror . That’s how amazing you are ❤️
when he hurts you
blindsides your trust
takes your breath away with betrayal
go easy on yourself
because the trauma along with reliving the beautiful times is exactly what will bring you back for more
and you don’t want this
no!
you are a queen
Go Be QUEEN
Love to you
It resembles writing of R.H.Sin.
Do you know his poems?