A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 48
I’m sorry for what I have done.
That is the first sentence I wrote in my journal, dating July 2014, after we decided to ‘take a break’ for the millionth time. Do you see how I continually blame myself? This, of course, was before I knew the truth about you.
We never dated, so that makes us a bit different from most narcissistic relationships. You called yourself a ‘friend’—that is, you contacted me because you loved my creativity, and so you wanted me to share my ideas with you. See, the notion of ‘starving artist’ does not limit itself to mere food, but rather, attention just as well. You gave it…I craved it…and you fed me full.
In the beginning, you could not get enough of me—our emails, sometimes up to a dozen times per day—and LONG, mind you—not to mention our six to eight hour Skype convos. You wanted to know everything about me. I was witty, wonderful and I could do no wrong.
Then, after enough time, you claimed you were feeling ‘unemotive’. That’s your word. I stopped hearing from you. I came to learn you lied about your real name for the first two years I knew you. This was strange, but always, I assumed the best of you.
We bonded through our love of literature. You admired my work and wanted to read everything I had ever written. Yet little did I know that you were studying me, poring over my words and mirroring everything I believed to be true.
Then, you stopped reading altogether. Four years went by and still you refused to engage, claiming you were ‘too depressed.’ You accused me of ‘not understanding’ your dilemma, which you refused to disclose or explain. When I asked why, you claimed I was ‘untrustworthy’. Yet you were the one lying.
Dearest shithead, one can only be understanding to a point. Four years and you can’t even read one of my manuscripts, despite my begging you? You know how I value your opinion. Please, just do this for me. You were the one who claimed to love my work in the first place. But still you refused. You only engage in what is convenient for you.
Imagine Mozart, after having completed one of his many great operas, and him sharing it with you. I imagine you’d regard Don Giovanni as an accomplishment akin to winning a game at checkers. This is your way of downplaying accomplishments. You can’t stand it when the attention is not on you.
I told you that I felt romantic feelings for you (when in retrospect it was really your validation I craved, but never mind that) and yet for seven years you neglected to inform me that you were homosexual, with your Twitter pics full of cocks and balls and men’s hairy asses. And that I had to find out second hand, via your Twitter, after seven years of supposed ‘friendship’, left me gutted. I felt helpless and hollow.
Then, upon my asking why you never just told me you were gay when you had no problem telling the world, despite the fact that you knew how I felt for so long, your response was, ‘I am not going to tell you for your convenience’.
So…honesty is a convenience, according to you. Our friendship was never real—as one cannot build a friendship out of lies and deceit. Remember I once had to define the words friendship and trust for you? Pathetic.
Ultimately, you knew that I’d no longer pine for you, were I to know the truth. Always so secretive! My clarity never mattered to you. Immature. Delusional. Those are some of the nicer words you called me. But never was the problem with you. You claimed you were ‘a prize to be won.’
You are a total poseur. Those with an intellectual vigor, who claim to care about art and literature, don’t spend hours Tweeting about the latest Hollywood gossip. Not to mention I saw those pics of you reading all those celeb trash bios. Yet I thought you were ‘too depressed’ to read?
I didn’t know what a narcissist was until I met you. I thought it was just a Kardashian who posed with duck lips and was a bit more self-centered than most. (You would know what a Kardashian is, as you Tweet about them enough.) I didn’t realize the way narcissists, in their inability to empathize, could colonize. That’s right, colonize—and you colonized me completely. My fault is that I let it happen. I did let it happen. So in ending, I must return to my earlier words—the ones I used to begin this letter—the ones I wrote in my journal of July 2014.
I’m sorry for what I have done.
Not sorry to you, mind you. But sorry to me. Those words are for me. I am sorry I let you conquer me so completely. I am sorry I let myself be lost in you. I have since learned I am everything without you and I am nothing with you.
I prefer to be everything. You are nothing. Well…a turd perhaps. Eat shit, you manipulative, lying, pathetic pustule of a man.
Haha. I win. But the prize sure as fuck isn’t you.
xoxo
18 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 48”
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful comments. There is so much I could say about this guy but one of the saddest things was to watch him shit on his mind. When I first knew him he was passionate and excited about life and ideas and then he just withered into this dripping detritus of nothingness.
He actually had writing talent, but he will never amount to anything because he is lazy as shit. I mean, how could I expect him to appreciate my talents if he doesn’t even care about his own? If you have talents, you have to nurture them, value them and protect them.
And for the record, I didn’t go looking for the fucker online–he linked to my blog from his Twitter page, which I did not know about. I was merely acknowledging my stats, when I uncovered it. He used a line from a Sylvia Plath poem as his ‘About Me.’ What a dope.
This relationship changed me, but I did end up learning so much about myself and disordered people as he. I’ve been recalling my relationships with old beaus, old bosses, as well as Daddy, Daddy, you…. (no pun–well maybe a little).
I do miss our intellectual discussions but even before I went no contact, his mind had seriously crapped out. Literal diarrhea of the brain, he had.
I mean, what the fuck? A huge disappointment he was. He knows I think this and he resents me for it because he ultimately knows I am right.
I am everything without you and I am nothing with you…there is so much truth in this one sentence. Narcissists drag us down into nothingness. We cant be our full potential with them bc they cant allow it. They are number one and we are there to make them feel like number one even if thats from a distance “pinning” for them. He hid his sexuality from you bc he enjoyed your admiration and knew thatd end if you found out about his true sexuality? At least in the romantic sense. Very selfish indeed! Mind you i wouldnt be surprised if he was bisexual bc narcissists sexuality quite often is fluid and can swing both ways whichever gives them the fuel they so need.
Red flag …when someone drops you and isnt texting or contacting you its bc theyve moved on to another source and have lost interest which sounds to be the case here. He learned as much as he could about you and sucked dry his interest in you and then dropped you like a hot potato. This is the mentality of a narcissist. We are commodities to be used up. There is always going to be another and another and another waiting in the wings.
You are everything without a toxic person to have to validate you. He did not deserve what you shared with him …not one iota!
Cleverly written! Well put together. Such a shame some of these letters don’t get read by the narcs in question.
When I worked at the IRS my best friend there was a gay man who refused to admit he was gay I was crazy about him but looking back he was definitely a narc he told me once people are too scary lol
Great letter and I love those words of sorry to yourself. We all need to say them, repeat them, burn them into our minds. We were not ever at fault for opening our hearts to these kind of relationships, be they romantic love, friendships or family bonds. The path to finding peace is truly knowing that we gave it all we could, even more than that; and no amount of love, empathy or care will ever be enough in these kind of dynamics, which has nothing whatsoever to do with us; and with this precious knowledge we will be able to walk away stronger in the end, with newfound clarity and perhaps newfound love for ourselves.
Hugs to you!
Echoing my sentiments. As time passes and with new knowledge these weasels pale into a pathetic excuse for a walking mass of protoplasm.
This is a great letter & shows that any kind of relationship can be used by a narcissist in order to manipulate & gain fuel.
HG, I have a question for you, if you’d be kind enough to answer.
I am interested to know what you think of yourself & ‘your kind’ after reading all the letters where the writers belittle the narcissists they were involved with & pour scorn on them. Does it affect the way you think about yourself & your kind?
My observations on the contents of the letter will be made available in the future, so I shall keep my own counsel on that for now.
Thank you for your reply HG. I look forward to your observations. While I understand & sympathise with all the writers of the letters & feel that their vitriol is completely justified, I also sympathise with you a little. You are helping people to “seize the power” & yet, you have first-hand knowledge of the same people’s anger & contempt for your kind. It’s a double-edged sword for you. I’m interested if it leads you to any self-reflection. Or is it merely fuel? I look forward to you telling us.
You are welcome. The hatred and/or contempt that victims have their narcissists is understandable but has no impact on me, it is not directed at me or caused by me.
People tend to project their feelings and create the stereotypes. Forgetting that after the all shared core dynamics, every narcissist is unique personality. And begin to hate all at once, “the truth is only one”, and everybody must share , like that tunnel vision antivaxxers. They think hate helps. Instead of knowledge.
I’ve seen many times how such people turn their feelings against HG.
And letters is least offensive thing probably – usually there is one story about some third people and no direct hate to “all of them” or HG personally.
But FB and Youtube comments contains a goood portion if shite.
I always wonder how HG feels of all that too. Because even I feel bad when read some of that opuses.
And same thing s going on with anything, no matter how
perfect the work is, there are always somebody who questions and criticizes the author. Whose feelings hurt by merely existence of this thing or human-reminders of their own trigger somewhere in the world.
I always see that moments too. And always feel the discomfort and injustice.
Where is that margin between the sensitivity to criticism and suppressing of all feelings? How that malignant thing with ignore of victims’ hate feels possible?
I’d like to learn – some things narcisists can do, are extremely useful life skills.
When me and my narc were subjected to criticism in scientific environment – he was like “lol, battle is not a problem at all” and I adored him even more that moments… (oh, for what i remembered this now – nc is gone)
I don’t know how to be with this situation except moderation.
In my moderated forums I had the rule: I see the _intention_ of your communication. If the intention is to offend somebody – no matter how hidden it is, I will moderate it.
How do I feel? Hatred towards me is a dollop of fuel. The insults just amuse me. There are numerous cretins who comment on FB and YouTube. It is inaccuracy about my work and me which irritates me.
Yes!
Right!
“a total poseur”
That’s what every Narc is!
AZ,
I’m so sorry your “friend” led you on like that.
WTAF?
I know my gaydar is broken, but this guy had his gaydar jammer on with you.
I don’t want to wish them on anyone at all, but can’t they just operate their scams among their own sexual orientation? Maybe those who are alternately orientated are mostly suspicious already from hate actions against them IDK. But it is quite a large group that does this. I’ve known quite a few women who’s narc has gone as far as to marry them, already knowing he is gay and she doesn’t know.
As good as your letter is, his loss not reading your manuscripts. At least you now know, he’s no true critic with his downplaying your talents. I do hope you have dated copies, just in case he makes any claim to your work.
I vote for turd…leave it lay in the yard!
I am pretty sure the Lesser I was dating is a homosexual as well. I know he is bisexual for sure. I am glad you have moved on. Thanks to, HG, we are all on our path to freedom.
AZ—love that you’re obviously well read and a capable writer with a wide swath available to your vocabulary. AND YET. “dearest shithead”… “sure as fuck” .. well penned.
Well said!! We all blame ourselves for loving and believing in these creatures but I have to believe now that my ex was an extremely talented narcissist to have fooled me for so many decades. He also turned out to be gay, although in the closet. He has a secret down-low life that I discovered by accident. Now he’s old and has to pay for sex with young men. So sad.
Brava!!!!! Your story is so unique. I️LOVE the way you described this narc adventure , so if that helps validate anything , it’s to say that you have shown us all what an amazing writer you really are with this letter. The Kardashian part was so good. They’re all so twisted but you seem to be in a good place. Keep writing. You’re very intelligent and creative. Thank you for sharing.