What Am I To Him?

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For those who have become ensnared with our kind, it is a frequent question to wonder what you are to the narcissist. Of course, the short answer is that you are an appliance that is there to provide fuel first and foremost and there may also be the acquisition of traits from you and residual benefits. However, those that have begun to understand the narcissistic dynamic to some extent want to know how they have been regarded by the narcissist in terms of that dynamic. Of those questions, these are the ones which appear most often:-

Was I a primary source?

I don’t think I was devalued, why was that?

Have I been discarded?

Why did he not commit to me?

How has he moved on to somebody else so quickly?

Why did I have such a short golden period?

I feel like I am always hanging on for him, why is that?

It is typically the case that those questions are usually asked by someone who is an Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”) although that person may not actually realise that this is the case. This article will discuss the IPSS and some of the peculiarities which arise with being an appliance placed in this role.

By way of brief re-cap, someone who is a primary source may be an intimate partner or a non-intimate partner. In the vast majority of cases the primary source is an intimate partner, thus a spouse, partner, boyfriend/girlfriend. You spend most of your time together and this arrangement occurs so that we are able to draw fuel from you each and every day, that fuel is of a high calibre (because of the greater emotional connection you have to us by reason of being a primary source and also because of your empathic traits). Occasionally the primary source is not an intimate partner and is usually then a family member.

A secondary source is a colleague, a friend or a family member. The secondary source will be seduced so that their loyalty and fuel is secured. Of course this is not done in a romantic fashion but through charm, pleasantry, doing favours and handing out benefits so that the appliance is drawn to the narcissist and is then installed in the position of secondary source.

A secondary source has an elongated golden period. This is because of the following factors:-

  1. The narcissist only draws on the secondary source’s fuel intermittently (compared to drawing on the fuel of the primary source);
  2. The secondary source is usually more compliant and does what the narcissist wants because the demands made of him or her are not as extensive as those made on the primary source;
  3. The fuel provided by the secondary source stays fresher and more potent for longer because it is only drawn on intermittently;
  4. The secondary source is less likely to challenge,wound or defy the narcissist

Accordingly, a secondary source will  enjoy a lengthy golden period. They may not be ever be devalued. If they fail to provide fuel, become disloyal and fail to do what the narcissist wants, they may be devalued but usually they will be immediately discarded. This is because it serves the narcissist better to remove the ‘rotten apple’ from hanging around and polluting the minds of other members of the coterie. It is also easy enough to seduce a new secondary source or turn to other existing ones. Thus, where a secondary source becomes unreliable they are usually discarded. Devaluation may only occur where an example needs to be made of the secondary source (this is usually more of the case for colleagues and family members as there is a connection beyond friendship) or the narcissist feels a need for the negative fuel and does not regard the devaluation as likely to damage the façade.

All secondary sources commence their relationship with the narcissist from a non-intimate position and there they may stay for a very long time. Some however are promoted to the position of IPSS.

This happens when the narcissist is devaluing their primary source and is looking to replace them. The promotion of a secondary source to that of IPSS means that we are considering whether you are worthy of then being promoted to a IP primary source and the existing one is discarded.

When this happens there is also the likelihood of somebody else occupying the role of IPSS. We often have more than one as in effect we are holding auditions for those who may be promoted to the position of primary source. This results in several scenarios arising.

  1. The existing primary source, let us say this is a wife, is being devalued. The narcissist embarks on affair with another woman who is the IPSS. She may have been someone he has known as secondary source friend for some time and has recently promoted, or he may have approached her and become a secondary source friend who is very quickly promoted to IPSS. In this dynamic you, as the IPSS, may know about the wife and she is smeared to you, she is abusive, unloving and so on. You are seduced and your responses convince the narcissist that you will make an effective primary source so the existing primary source is discarded and you are then installed as the replacement primary source.
  2. The scenario is the same as above however there are periods during your seduction as IPSS when the narcissist goes quiet. You may think that you are being devalued. You are not. As explained above, the narcissist regards a secondary source as an intermittent provider of fuel and therefore when this happens it is likely that a Respite Period has been granted to the existing primary source, thus the narcissist allows a golden period again, he is preoccupied with the existing primary source and you are kept on ice until the Respite Period ends. The devaluation of the existing primary source continues and your seduction continues once again. Eventually, the narcissist deems you worth of promotion, you are embedded and the existing primary source is discarded and you are installed as her replacement. This may take months or even years. During this period, if you accept the periods of quiet without complaint, there will be no comeback from the narcissist. If however you question what is going on, you will most likely be subjected to future-faking from the narcissist in order to maintain your interest. He will talk about needing to sort divorce arrangements out, or how the house is taking too long to sell, the children need to be sorted out, he hasn’t told his parents yet, it is not a good time for the soon to be ex-spouse as her father has died, it is her birthday next month, it is nearly Christmas and so on. This future faking is done because the narcissist regards you as too valuable to drop and wants to keep you in place as you are earmarked for promotion, but he has not yet decided that you are worthy of such promotion and thus has allowed the existing primary source Respite Periods until he is convinced you are a worthwhile replacement.
  3. The same scenario as two above but there is another IPSS. In order to better our chances of securing an excellent replacement primary source, we are devaluing the existing primary source and we are cultivating leads with at least two IPSS. Thus, we spend the occasional wonderful weekend with you but make various excuses as to how we can only see you once a month. This is being done for two reasons. The first is because we must make time for the ongoing devaluation of the primary source and also to spend time with the other IPSS who is being cultivated. The second reason is to test your resolve. If you reject such an arrangement then we will conclude that you lack certain traits that would make you a good primary source, such as you challenge us too readily, you lack ‘stickability’ and you are not responding to our charm and seduction as deeply as we had hoped or planned. In such an instance our attention will switch to the other IPSS but you are unlikely to be discarded. This is because you have shown potential, provided fuel and therefore we may as well keep you on ice to call on for fuel or to triangulate with the existing primary source and/or the other IPSS in order to satisfy our fuel needs.

If you do not challenge this arrangement then it is a straight fight between you and the other IPSS as to who will eventually be crowned as primary source. You may know about the devalued primary source but you probably will not know about the other IPSS. You will both be tested, so you can expect cancelled arrangements, occasional bouts of odd acts and distant behaviours. These are not acts of devaluation but are rather tests during your seduction to ensure that you are made of the right stuff to be promoted to primary source and also that you are better than your competing IPSS. The nature of this competition is such that you may be in front one month and thus things will seem to be going well with us and then you will be behind your competitor the next month so things will be less pleasant. You are jockeying for position and all the while we are obtaining fuel as we ascertain who will be the best person to be promoted. This could go on for years as you are strung along.

If you then learn that the primary source has finally been discarded but somebody else is being paraded around as our girlfriend and you cannot understand how that has happened, because there is still (albeit minimal) contact with you, then you have lost the race to become primary source. This other person seems to have come out of nowhere but they have not. They have been cultivated behind the scenes and we have decided that they would make the best primary source. The existing one has been discarded, the competitor IPSS who you knew nothing about (or might just have been referred to as a ‘friend’) is installed as primary source.

Even when this happens, you are still unlikely to be discarded because we still see value as keeping you as a secondary source. There has been some investment in you and if you do not cause a problem for us, you will be retained and at some future point there will be a resumption of the relationship to draw fuel, to use you to triangulate with the now being discarded primary source and even to consider installing you as primary source. This latter consideration arises where you would be a good primary source, but the competitor was deemed even better. However, once that competitor is devalued, your status as a good potential primary source is revisited. Unless of course another competitor IPSS is sought and this one is deemed better than you.

If you rail against this treatment as you find yourself side-lined when you expected to become the primary source, but some usurper has appeared instead, this may be tolerated for the negative fuel and the purposes of triangulation. If however you become problematic whereby you may expose us, causes problems with the façade and interfere with the newly installed primary source, you can expect to be devalued, smeared and discarded.

4. You may find that there is no primary source. You are referred to as partner or girlfriend but your engagement with us is intermittent, excuses are made as to why we cannot see more of you, there are occasional periods of silence and you are strung along in this position for some time, unsure of what you actually are. Are you our girlfriend or just a friend with benefits? When this happens it is the case that we will have several IPSS on our books. The combination of all these interests and the attendant fuel means that there is no pressing need for a primary source and we are content to alternate between the various IPSS until we establish one which is installed as primary source.

The IPSS does not experience the standard template of seduction-devaluation-discard and this is why many commentators fail to explain our behaviours effectively to someone who is an IPSS. The narcissistic dynamic is different. The reason for this is that you are effectively placed in limbo. You may not be good enough to be promoted to the position of primary source but you are too valuable to be cast to one side and thus the dance continues for as long as you will allow it without wounding or challenging us.

Those who do not understand our kind tend to fall into the trap of thinking that we are some kind of commitment-phobe and will dole out erroneous advice to you in terms of making you try to bring about that commitment. All this will do is cause you further consternation as the decision is ours, not yours.

If you find yourself in the position of engaging with somebody who treats you well, but only does so intermittently, who occasionally seems to test you (and it is often difficult to spot this) and issues lots of promises about what will happen in the future but there is never any delivery, there is every chance that you are an IPSS entangled with one of our kind.

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35 thoughts on “What Am I To Him?”

  1. HG, as a shelf DLS, would you say I could rely on your writings about shelf IPSS? Trying to figure out what content would be most applicable. Thank you very much!

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  2. This mirrors normal human interactions that can occur naturally as in a persons intimate partner , family & friends, yet it forced and manipulated…. HOW do you have SO much ENERGY? Just reading this makes empath me exhausted ( of course I’m in mid divorce post escape after 7 year enmeshment as primary source so I’m pretty used up right now) but still, IS your mental energy level higher than ours bcs we care so much about everyone around us and you don’t? But manipulation & games sound so energy consuming having to manage all people at all times….?

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    1. We operate differently from you and we are more ‘streamlined’ to achieve energy conservation. Plus, as you identify, we focus on purely our needs, not that of others.

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    2. The negative fuel from the devaluation of the IPPS powers the seduction of the IPSS (usually more than one, as stated by HG), which provides positive fuel to in turn power the devaluation of the IPPS. It’s an ingenious, self-contained, highly efficient system.

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  3. So, how would a IPSS who escapes differ from a IPPS if at all in so far as narcissistic injury, hoover risk, etc.?

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    1. An escaped IPPS interrupts the fuel provision for the narcissist in a major way (plus may also impact on character traits and residual benefits). This is because there is only ever one primary source AND it may well be the case that a replacement is not immediately ready. An IPPS is afforded greater prominence in the facade and therefore not only is there the loss of fuel, there is the wounding caused by escape, there is the wounding caused by damaging the facade by the loss of say, the wife. This is why most of the time an Initial Grand Hoover occurs as the narcissist seeks to re-establish the fuel supply, overcome the wounding and repair that facade.

      An escaped IPSS does not have the same impact. Their fuel provision, whilst important, is not as potent or substantial. They may be one of several IPSSs. They may not damage the facade because the other parts of the fuel matrix do not know about them (or only a few do and may know this person as a ‘friend’ rather than say a ‘mistress’.) The IPSS may escape when on the shelf and therefore the narcissist would not notice and may not be concerned because attention is focused elsewhere. There may be a hoover to maintain control immediately post escape but it will not be applied with the same energy as that which the IPPS receives. An IPSS may be hoovered later (subject to Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria). Remember, the most important IPSS is the Candidate IPSS but no Candidate IPSS would ever seek to escape because they are only the Candidate during seduction and therefore experience the golden period, so, why escape? The Shelf IPSS and DLS may well escape but the impact, whilst felt, is not as great and therefore the response from the narcissist will not be as great.

      An escaped IPSS which seeks to expose is a different scenario to one that has merely escaped.

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      1. Perhaps a scenario you could elaborate on?
        Post escape, any exposure was really the narc’s own fault (I understand he doesn’t see it that way). I kept fairly quiet and non descript about why the “friendship” ended while he attempted to smear me, and his erratic behavior caused the smear campaign to backfire.

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      2. That may happen, it is not common, but it may happen. It is the case that smearing is usually effective but may come undone with regard to particular appliances at a much later stage – for instance, a parental narcissist who smears the non- narcissist parent to the children may succeed in that smearing, however it is often the case (and this may be years later) that the narcissist’s attempts to control their older children (especially with regard to their romantic involvements) leads to interference which then reveals that the smear was in fact a smear and shows the narcissist’s true nature.

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      3. Hmmm…I still find this confusing. Maybe it’s because I had a weirder role than I can grasp. So what if:

        1) You thought you were just an NISS, but the “supposedly divorcing” narcissist was thinking of you as a Candidate IPSS…
        2) Then you (unknowingly) had wounded him a little here, there, everywhere — and were just hard for him to control…
        3) He stayed sweet as pie throughout, besides some odd little STs — and then seemed to do a big “in your face” ST set up, maybe hoping for “What’s wrong?” groveling or ANY negative emotional reaction from you — but you didn’t bite, and went NC.

        So what is the narcissist thinking you are now? (Besides impossible!). Is he mad/vengeful? Is he sufficiently discouraged? Is he waiting to start up again later? feel like if I understand this better, I will know if he has given up.

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      4. It would depend on what else is happening in his fuel matrix and the type of narcissist. If he regarded you as a Candidate IPSS and you responded in this fashion, a Lesser would lash out if able to contact you and seek someone else. The Mid Ranger would apply some effort to draw you in again but if ineffective break off and go elsewhere. If Greater he would either break your no contact and continue the pursuit or if your no contact is extremely robust he would apply his efforts elsewhere and make a note to punish you at a later stage.

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      5. Thank you, HG. I’m almost positive he’s an UMR, but he’s Greater-like as well. As long as he never shows up physically someday, I’ll be happy. That’s what concerns me.

        Because it’s been real, and it’s been fun…oh, wait. It’s not been real nor fun. It’s been fake and disturbing.

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      6. Thank you Caroline – this helped me, too.
        *and the bitter giggle – yes, exactly ‘fake & disturbing’

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  4. Say that the following variables are in place:
    1. The narcissist has a prospect list of two or more IPSS’s to promote to IPPS.
    2. The narcissist hasn’t invested too much time yet.
    3. One of the IPSS’s senses too many red flags, and when the narcissist is occupied with one of the other IPSS’s, he/she silently pulls away.
    4. The IPSS does not make any contact, and stays under the radar.

    According to this article, it can be assumed, as long as he/she didn’t take the test-bait, that the narcissist would not make contact again and leave the matter alone. Also, if the name of this IPSS ever was to be mentioned to the narcissist again, he/she might avoid to be smeared.

    Right?

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  5. HG, I have a question regarding the following: “An escaped IPSS does not have the same impact. Their fuel provision, whilst important, is not as potent or substantial. ” I did read your book “Fuel” but I am still confused about why IPPS’s fuel would necessarily be more potent than IPSS/DLS. What if the secondary intimate source provided more ( and better) adoration, admiration, compliments, etc. than IPPS?

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    1. The fact that this person is the primary source means that their fuel is automatically more potent by reason of their position. They have the most traits that we require, they are susceptible, they can be controlled, hence they are crowned IPPS.

      The IPSS would only be providing those items during the IPPS’ devaluation and therefore would up against the more potent and contrasting negative fuel.

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      1. Thank you, HG. So please correct me if I am wrong. IPPS’s negative fuel is deemed more potent than the best of IPSS’s positive fuel, correct?

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  6. And with both fuel supplies, do you feel like king of the world?

    No wonder He seemed so damn happy when I felt my worst.

    And probably fueled him so well, he had no problem hoovering me back when I knew I should leave.

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  7. Such clear, matter of fact explanations.
    Thank you, HG.

    Does it matter to you if the IPSS does not want to become IPPS?

    I was a sympathetic listener about how ‘awful’ the IPPS was, but when he would future-fake, I wasn’t interested – not to mention it was utterly ludicrous to me. I figured he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.. but if that’s his reality – he was considering me for IPPS (no thanks)

    The idea that this can go on for years.. yikes.. When I tried to tell him he was crazy for thinking we could be together, he told me – you are thinking too much in the moment…

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  8. This is so on point it’s scary. I was an IPSS. He is married. He future faked often but didn’t say negative things about the wife. Our relationship got larger and larger. She got suspicious and he reinstated her golden period while I got put on the shelf. Multiply that times 3 and here I am now…One week NC and this blog is a life saver!

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  9. OMGI I just realized I am giving my Narc a fuel overload. The pattern is he always contacts me when things are bad with the IPPS at home and when his IPPS (mother) and me, the IPSS, currently shelved, go out shopping and come home for a beer and to chat, we must be giving him a fuel overload!!!!

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  10. OMG I just realized that when the IPPS (mother) and I (IPSS, shelved) go out shopping and then come back for a beer and to banter, we are supplying the Narc with a fuel overload!!!!

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