Perchance To Sleep
When I am first with you, I like to sit and look at you as you sleep. I like to see you lying there content, your arm draped across me as if checking that I am still there next to you. Your eyes are closed and your face is in a relaxed repose as I feel your chest gently rising against me. You look content, safe and loved. I wonder what you are dreaming about as a small smile plays about your lips. I often believe that it is me. The wonderful, incessant and perfect love that I furnish for you throughout your waking hours must surely continue when you are asleep. It must bleed into your sleep, percolate into your dreams and such is its all-pervasive power it makes you feel loved even when you are asleep. It is during these moments that I consider how I can continue to give you this perfect love that you rightly deserve. I can see what a good and decent person that you are. I feel the admiring love that you pour over me and I know it is genuine, I can tell a fraud at a hundred paces and you are no such thing. It is entirely understandable that you flow with this love for me, who would not when faced with being the object of my perfect love? I look down at you, your delicate features framed in the low lamp light that I have kept on in the bedroom solely for this purpose. You seem so fragile and vulnerable as you lie there, unaware that I am watching over you. I want to protect you; I want to shield you from the darkness that is out there and keep you safe. You deserve nothing less because you give me such a wonderful love in return and I must protect you. I must ensure that my investment remains cherished and loved. It is during these moments as I sit and look at you that I know I must truly love you. How can I not when I feel such a sense of responsibility over your well-being. Look at you; still, perfect and oblivious. Who could not fail to love someone like you? Who could not fail to have such a care for your well-being? Who could ever cause that beautiful face to frown and crease in bewildered pain? Who could cause a solitary tear to trickle from your eyes and spill down those flawless cheeks? I cannot bear to think about you being hurt, feeling sad and in pain. I feel a deep-seated desire to look after you, to keep the darkness from your door and ensure that you are always only ever happy and loved. This sense of being your guardian is strong. I feel anger at the thought of anybody lashing out and wounding you, someone causing this perfect creature to feel anguish, pain and concern. I lay a hand on your shoulder and you shift slightly in your sleep acknowledging this gentle gesture of protection. You face nudges against me as if you know what I am thinking and you feel safe and wanted.
Yet for all these thoughts I know that this is purely the way I am expected to think about you. This is how I should act in order to maintain the façade of our relationship so that you continue to give me what I want. I sit and wrestle with these thoughts. Are they genuine? Are they what I truly feel about you yet I know I do not. I know that the apparent abhorrence that I manufacture at the thought of you being hurt is purely an artifice because it will be me that eventually causes your hurt. It will be me that will twist that beautiful smile into a gash of despair. It will be me that makes that light voice become wracked with anxiety and pain. It will be my words that wound and my actions that scar. For all the tenderness that I apparently exhibit as I sit here now looking over you, I know, as sure as the world keeps turning and that the sun rises in the east, that I will be the one that will bring you to your knees. I will have you feeling exhausted, crazed and desperate and as I sit and recognise that I am the architect of your downfall I feel nothing. I feel no guilt, no despair or remorse because those things have been stripped from me. I was never made to experience those sensations and that is why I know I will do as I do to you, as I have to all the others before me and I will only feel one thing; power. That raw and visceral power which I must have. I am blessed with sufficient insight and intellect to know that what I do is wrong. I can see the tears in your eyes, hear your begging and see your hunched broken frame which tells me that you are hurting and I caused this. Yet for all of this understanding I am unwilling and unable to do anything about it because I am not forged with the desire or the tools to do so. This is what I am and better you remain asleep, oblivious to what is really looking down on you.
36 thoughts on “Perchance To Sleep”
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HG and emotional thinking? An oxymoron! 🙂
Well good of you to state as such and it does not happen very often but it does, but the difference is, it doesn’t lead to any problems for me, but for you it does.
Guilty as charged!
I believe a while back you answered a question to another reader that the person who understood you best was your childhood piano teacher.
Was that the person who was abruptly removed from your life?
And, in these rare moments you find yourself with someone new and feeling hopeful, are you hoping they learn to understand you like your teacher did that makes you feel safe?
No.
Not any more.
What is actually felt, HG? Hopes that this one will finally be the one to meet all your needs forever?
Indeed, albeit maintaining such hope is falling prey to emotional thinking.
Dearest HG,
This feels like inside, there is this worry that your true self wouldn’t be deemed worthy to receive the genuine love offered by this gentle woman loving you, laying by your side..
..but what if she really has an inkling that what you are exhibiting isn’t the real you, but she is loving you anyway, hoping you will learn to trust her enough to reveal the real you..
so it is not, in fact, the fake manufactured “perfect love” she is loving, but hoping the real you will come through one day..
..if someone hurts your current love, do you carry out actions on her behalf? To defend her?
If you write – “the sense of being your guardian is strong” – could this not develop into a feeling of affection?
..I always questioned the “love” I received from my narcs.. but I always put it under the “that’s the way they love” idea, but it was never the kind of love I needed, so I left…
I truly value your writing, HG. Thank you.
As usual, with enough reading, I found an answer to my own question – you’ve said you may defend someone, if it suits your purpose.. so, if in the grander scheme of HG’s Machiavellian machinations it is for the greater good, you might defend someone..
.. but then the other part of my question – do you think this feeling of protector.. guardian.. could develop into affection for someone?
No.
HG, you have admitted that in the golden period you do feel infatuation which translates into fondness and affection for a person. How is this different?
Indeed I have Clarece, perhaps I should be clearer – the infatuation manifests as what you would recognise as fondness and affection although that is not what is actually felt.
But I thought that you can feel those feelings, the same way you say you feel that towards your friends whom you enjoy their company and to be around. It’s when it is taking it to a more intimate level that you’re guard comes up to protect your boundaries. I could have sworn in the past you have said you said in conversation with the doctors that initially what you thought was love you felt earlier on in your relationships, was strong affection. Then it halts. How would you articulate it today then?
It was described as infatuation.
Right?
We all have fears. We just manifest them differently.
Fear of abandonment seems to be an intense one.
I often told the man with whom I was involved with, after he started to reveal a portion of his authentic being, that I bet it was easier to leave someone first…. leave her before she can leave you, right?
But even after the discards, and after the attempts to lure me back, when my gut warned me to stay away but weakness prevailed… lying there beside him, with my head resting on his firm chest, his arm round my body…. there… it still felt like the safest place to be.
However sincere (or insincere) your thoughts were beautifully written, HG.
And it frightens me how your recount makes me miss those rare, tender moments with him.
Ugh! Shit! Why?
Around*
I sure hope that typos, grammatical errors and misused words are overlooked around here… or at least forgiven!
HG,
Do you mind if we crosspost our own comment? I did add a link to this article, but I doubt anyone is reading my blog anyway.
I wasn’t sure if you consider comments on your post to be your property once posted, Or if you don’t mind what other people do with their comments.
Perse
Content belongs to me, but if you seek permission and reference the blog I usually grant permission.
Construct or no construct, I do think you have it in you to feel something for someone HG. This is a beautiful, moving and terrifying story of impending disaster. We all give ourselves full of hope for the relationship to last; you are aware of its imminent end due to your own destructive behaviour. All love stories end tragically I guess, you just have to wait them out long enough, but in your case the awareness of your nature impedes it being a true love story in the first place. Still, I think you have it in you. But then I’m forever hopeful..
This is my shiny new appliance. I really like my new appliance. I had to do some shopping to get the model I want, but this one comes with all the functions I need, plus many additional features which make it fun, exciting, and convenient.
Right now, my wonderful shiny new appliance is in the sleep mode of it’s timer, and I gaze at it with pride as I listen to the tiny clicks and soft whirs as it resets to be ready for my use.
I will polish and maintain my appliance. I will show it with pride, especially as no one else has got quite as nice an appliance as I have. I shall ensure that it does not get scratched, dented, or marred, and woe to anyone who would damage my wonderful, shiny new appliance.
I have programmed many of my appliance’s functions to respond to my commands, and I have deleted some of these functions, as I have no use for them.
I am very happy with my new appliance. In the morning, I will say the magic words that will set my appliance to warm. When I return in the evening, my appliance warms me to the temperature I set. I like this function most at this time, and may leave it set on warm for hours, days, maybe weeks.
Occasionally, I become curious about other functions; hot, cold, spin, wring, and cry. These functions require a bit more work as I must go to the appliance and push the buttons to activate these functions. But I do momentarily press these buttons, to see how these functions work. Since I don’t immediately need these functions, I will push the reset button, and then the magic words to resume the warm function.
Lately, the appliance at work has been performing the warm function quite well, so when I return home. out of boredom, I will begin to use these other functions. I will try spin, even though there is nothing to spin. I will now set it to constantly cycle between hot and cold, even though my appliance was not actually meant to function is this way. Now I will set it to wring, even though it is now unbalanced. Now I will press cry, as I need some entertainment.
There is a button marked supernova, but as this function takes a great deal out of my appliance, I will save that till my appliance is near the end of warranty, so that the manufacturer will repair it at their expense.
Then I will keep it as back up to the new, better shiny appliance that I have been shopping for.
You think that is wasteful?
It’s only an appliance. There are so many more where that one came from.
Good morning sweetheart, I just had the strangest dream!
Interesting perspective, Perse… and very relatable, from many angles!
Thank you BKK,
After reading this post, I decided to write from the perspective of the watched over, as if they had some intuition of the thoughts of the watcher. I sure you recognize appliance as HGs description of fuel sources.
I read the post over about 4 times (fascinating post) and made 2 attempts to write the comment. The first one disappeared from my screen. I think the right one got posted. 🙂
Perse
I’m foolish for asking, as it doesn’t make any difference, the out come remains the same.
Do most narcissist feel affection towards their favored appliance in the Golden Period?
Or are you just sated with your power to cause feelings of love?
( I started to ask if you were happy with your power to cause feelings of love. That would not be the correct term, right? Or does something like this give you a microflicker of happy?)
OK,
4th read thru I get:
This is my new appliance. I had to do some shopping but this appliance is shiny and new. It has all the features I require, plus it has many extra features that I had hoped for that make it fun, exciting and convenient. It is really the best appliance, and I will maintain it, polish it, and will allow no one to scratch, dent, or otherwise misuse my appliance, and woe to anyone who makes that mistake.
My appliance is currently in the sleep cycle of its timer, so I admire it with it soft clicks and whirs as it resets to be ready for my use.
My appliance has several functions, and soon I will be trying all those functions, reprogramming those I wish to keep to function at my command, while deleting the functions I have no use for. In the beginning I will use some functions almost exclusively. For example, in the morning I will set my appliance to warm by saying the magic words with which I have programmed my wonderful appliance.It will warm me, and after a long day when I return, with little fuss, my well functioning appliance will warm me. Since right now, I like warm, I may keep it on warm function for hours, days, even months. Every once in a while I do get curious about those other functions, and will momentarily press another button to see how fast my appliance will reset to warm. If I get bored with warm, I simply get up and press the button marked cry. I may do this because the appliance at work has warmed me all day,and I’d like my appliance to do something different. This may take a slight bit more effort to push cry button than to say the magic words to get warm, but I’d rather have cry for a change.It is invigorating! I think I will have to try hot, cold, spin, and wring. I might kick it if it is slow to start up. Or give it a shove to stop that odd noise it’s making. I think I will save supernova for later when my appliance is near the end of the warranty. I can have it repaired at the manufacturers expense.
Then I can keep it as back up after I have the shiny new appliance I am currently shopping for installed.
Oh, you think that’s a waste?
What do I care? It’s just an appliance. There’s plenty more where that came from.
Or did I just dream this?
seemed to be cuddly and lovable.
able to hurt and maim easily
no guilt no remorse
I did used to call him my polar bear,
With the AC always running.
I quite close to literally was living with a polar bear
(face palm)!
I should of just gone asleep but thought oh I will just scan over this . WOW I started filling up with tears , I’m trying to think why , this last few weeks I started to accept what my husband is (acceptance makes me calmer ) instead of being so angry even though anger is allowed obviously . However a year has passed lots of tears at the beginning anger and sadness, I changed my thinking around to he wasn’t capable of being any other way at all , either unwilling or simply not capable. Who would chose to be like this ??? there is no help anyway even if they recognised there was something wrong . Hopefully in the future there might be as so many relationships are ruined by this disorder,
I don’t hold out much hope though as its mental and not physical .
Just feeling sad as I look back on 18 years ,as it was not all bad obviously, but i prefer feeling bit sad than angry !!!!
However even though they don’t have the tools or are capable of change, that doesn’t mean i have to put up with that behaviour , NO CONTACT still and feeling freedom and peace. Thankyou HG for this article , as sad as it makes me it also helps understand .
You are welcome.
It is very interesting “dialogue” of two men, that live inside of you.
The first one is a Man, who has a natural desire to protect his woman. You men always protect us (women) in one or another way. It is your man’s nature.
The second one is a Narcissist, who has his own “nature” and it contradicts to a man’s nature.
So, you have a “war” inside of you and it is highly energy consuming process. It is a real curse to know the difference between right and wrong in such case…
💔
Heartbreaking
This is what i feel daily. My narc plays the part of loving partner always there for me, doing sweet gestures to make me feel special and important to him yet there is an underlying truth that he is trying to hurt me. He wants to make me feel inferior to him. That i need and want him not the other way around. Hes my protector but wants to be my destroyer as well. In essence protect me when hes not destroying my self confidance and self esteem. Thats power to him to chip away who i am and then be the sweet hearted man that is so caring and loving to sweep up the pieces. Its a double edged sword.
As a teenager, I once woke up with a fright from deep sleep, sitting upright in bed and saw that my matrinarc had been standing there next to my bed, watching me ….
And last night I dreamed she had died ….
Beautiful. My N husband spoke so often in the beginning that he was my guardian, protector, Akita Kun , he said he wanted to examine me with a magnifying glass under a lamp to absorb every detail ( that thought made me very uncomfortable)! Empaths respond to this dichotomy you wrote of .Purest love and struggle of pain even that you may feel in living without feeling love or loved. I did. ( fall for it hard) You’re absolutely right we seek to heal, make whole. I mourn the whole tragic mess and so much pain and destruction. Very beautifully written. Great job HG.
Thank you.
So often I wonder if that is really true. My Love used to do these things. He used to tell me how much he loved me and wanted to protect me. I believed him. I still want to believe that he did love me. I want to believe that I somehow made his life better.
Once the golden period ended and the devaluation began I blamed myself. I allowed him to make me think I wasn’t good enough for him. He told me he would hurt me and he would never change. I didn’t believe it. I stayed to try to make him see how much I loved him and how I wasn’t like the other women.
My eyes were opened too late.
I got out and have maintained no contact though it is hard. I still love him. Even after all he has done to me I still love and want him.
I know how important no contact is right now as I feel as if he were to come to me with his promises of change and how I’m his Queen, his one and only, I would find myself back with him. I know it’s not healthy or even sane but he has attached himself to my heart and will always be there and I want to believe he has changed or can change but I know it’s a fantasy.
One day I’ll wake up and he won’t be the first though in the morning. One day I’ll sleep all night and not dream of him or us. One day.
your most vulnerable piece yet….