Watching You Crumble

WATCHING YOU CRUMBLE1

We don’t provide support. We are too concerned with ourselves and our daily hunt for the fuel that we need to be concerned about you. We are engrossed in our own world and have no interest in yours. The only time we pay attention to you is when you are providing us with fuel or you stop providing us with fuel. Everything we do is focussed around us. This is because we have to obtain fuel, as without we will disintegrate. The hunger for this fuel is never ending and accordingly all of our energy must be applied towards obtaining it. This leaves us with nothing left over for anyone else.

Being a caregiver yourself, you would like to think that the person who you share your life with, or who you work closely with, would be amenable to providing you with support. That may mean giving you emotional support when you are experiencing a difficult time or taking the strain allowing you to lessen the burden on yourself. You give and you are happy to do so, therefore why should they not do so as well? That is the outlook of someone normal operating by the norms and rules of your world. Those do not apply to us. We cannot provide you with support since we have nothing available to do so.

Added to that we do not know how to provide emotional support. Yes we can see how chores can be done and the like. We also have observed the ways that you provide emotional support to other people and we know the phrases that are used, the expressions that are formed on people’s faces and the gestures that are made. We have seen all that and we could trot all that out. In fact we have done in the past. We did this when we were seducing you. When we wanted you to divulge about your weaknesses and vulnerabilities this will have invariably saddened you and upset you. It may even have caused an episode where you need emotional support. We were happy to go through the motions then because we were at the stage of investing in your in order to get our fuel. We were content to make the right noises, give you a hug and make the panacea that is the cup of tea. All of this was learned from others. We did not feel anything for you. We could not put ourselves in your shoes (heaven forbid that would ever happen) and we could not empathise with what you were experiencing and nor can we ever do that. Yet again, we conned you into thinking that we are a caring and selfless person. We demonstrated such an approach when we were first together and that attracted you to us. This raised expectations that you could rely on us and turn to us when the need arose. It is all false.

Furthermore, when you need support and expect it from us, you are showing to us how you are weak. We despise weakness. You will find that our kind is rarely found near children, the infirm and ill and the elderly. This is because they are all weak and want support regularly. We do not want to be reminded of that fact. We cannot be bothered with you cluttering up our route to fuel. An exhibition of weakness infuriates us. A normal person would see someone in a position of weakness and deign to help and assist. We have seen how this is a natural reaction in normal people. It will not happen with us.

If you are fortunate, we will absent ourselves from the situation in an instant. We will generate some urgent reason; find a pressing engagement we had forgotten about in order to ensure we can get away from you and your ailment, woe or injury. You probably will never see us move as quick when it comes to getting away from somebody who needs help. If we are unable to exit the situation then we may just stand and look at you. You could be reaching out to us, eyes filled with tears of pain, asking for help and we will just give you a blank stare. We know we ought to be helping you, convention and observation has told us this, but we cannot do so. We are unable to leave but we are also unable to help you. This requires compassion and we do not have any. It requires us to us our energies to help you out and we are forbidden from doing so.

Our ultimate reaction where you need support from us is to go on the offensive. The uncomfortable feeling that you have generated inside of us makes us feel less powerful and smacks of inferiority. We know of only one way to banish such a sensation. We need to reassert our power and that means we must lash out at you. It becomes necessary to subject you to further insults and denigrating comments, at a time when you are feeling hurt and vulnerable.

“What are you crying for? I have had worse happen to me.”

“I am sick and tired of you being pathetic. Deal with it.”

“I bet (insert name of triangulated individual) would not make such a song and dance about it like you do.”

“It’s only a dog, you can get another one. Seriously, what a display over a dumb animal.”

“You are hysterical, you need to get help.”

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

“That’s right; make it about you on my special day.”

We will lash out at you with these words in order to make you feel worse and ourselves feel better because that is all we care about. We fooled you into thinking that we care about you. That is a fallacy. Do not expect us to support you.

Demonstrating our legendary hypocrisy we will expect you to always be there for us. When we have a need you must attend to it straight away, even if you are experiencing difficulties yourself. When we have a scratch we expect you to make it better even though you might be bleeding to death before us. As with so much of our behaviour we do not regard the way we act towards you as meaning you should behave the same way towards us. If you chopped us in half you would most likely find this stencilled through us like lettering on a stick of rock

“Do as I say, not do as I do.”

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37 thoughts on “Watching You Crumble”

  1. Ha, ha.. reading this made me laugh. That’s my narcissist right there. Always in dire need of a listening ear himself, but never being able to support me in any way. I learned early on that there was no use in telling him anything about what troubled me, even if it had nothing to do with him. I still tried sometimes though. When he was unable to leave, he stared emptily at me and went to bed immediately, but when he could run I’ve never seen anyone getting away that quickly, leaving me clueless and hurt. I found myself stupidly explaining the basic concepts of empathy to a grown man time and time again. No one should have to do that.. ha, ha..

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  2. Thanks Tudor! You’re so compassionate. What would the world do without you? 🤗😘

    Ps: I discovered who you are…
    Brian 😁

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  3. I was thinking just this morning of how when I was married and too sick to go to work, I would drive down and sit in the barn lot out of sight until my husband went to work. Then I’d drive back up to the house. I lived in dread that he would discover I did this. And it upset me that I felt I had to do this when I was very sick instead of stay in bed.

    The alternative was so much worse though. He had no tolerance for sickness. No one should ever miss work for sickness! He never missed work for sickness! He would ridicule and berate me, run me down in front of our children. He would get so upset at my supposed weakness and inferiority and stay angry as long as I felt bad. It was better to hide out sick in the barn until he was safely gone to his work.

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  4. I crumble a lot, unfortunately. I am trying not to, though. I can also be strong for others, and be there for them.

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  5. Fascinating. Sad. And honestly said, HG, yet this is exactly where I became a bit confused…?

    From my experiences, I see so much truth and similarities in your teaching here, but he was a bit different (at times.) Perhaps his efforts of wanting to exhibit good deeds helped to keep me off-track?

    Before I landed in your world, I had heard that the narcissistic type will be unpleasant to those in service positions… was told to pay attention to how he treats the waiter, the housekeeper or anyone who might hold a so-called “lesser” position. But he didn’t fit that description. He’d go out of his way, actually, to be kind to the check-out boy or to the waitress serving him.

    At times, his demeanor was over-the-top… to where I’d joke, “Are you going to offer to rub her feet after her shift?” He’d say to strangers, “Thank you, ma’am. I very much appreciate your help today! Have a good day. You deserve it!”…. when the grocery clerk handed him his change.

    Or, he’d say, “Thank you so much, sir. You don’t have an easy job, and I just want to say how much I appreciate what you do.”…. to the young man handing him the sack of groceries he just bagged.

    Of course, it melted me a bit… which I’m now sure was his intent, as when he was first trying to persuade me to go on a date with him, he’d say, “You need to see me out… see how I conduct myself.”

    But once at the grocery, a stranger (an old man who was likely slightly challenged) wanted to engage in conversation with us. I obliged as I easily sensed this man was just lonely. As I was attempting to appease the elderly gentleman with a bit of attention, he walked off… he couldn’t even last more than a minute to give a lonely soul his time!

    He told me that I needed to “learn how to walk away.” I suppose we all have our moments when we’re feeling more generous with our time or even a bit selfish, but when he lacked the patience to listen to MY dilemmas, I realized that his truth was different from the persona he portrayed.

    He didn’t always match the man who called me up to say he’d just written a check to an old friend at breakfast, one who works with underprivileged kids. Or he’d tell me of that tire he changed for a stranger or of the groceries he loaded for an elderly lady who seemed to be struggling.

    He knew these traits appealed to me. But as kind and generous as he was in the beginning, he didn’t much share his “thoughtful” traits with me.

    I guess it’s the opposite of what I was once told to look for? I had to learn the hard way… Don’t look so much at how he treats those in the service industry, but pay CAREFUL attention to how he treats you.

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  6. When you put it so succintly, HG I am left wondering what is a NPD good for then.

    In my situation there was sex and the more there was, the closer I felt to him. I used to complain bitterly that “all we ever do is **** “.

    I take care of myself, and our house and him so all I really need from my partner is sex and emotional support.

    The Narc I dated was sufficently clairvoyant. Can you talk a bit about that?

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      1. It is a self-defence mechanism for us so NPD serves a huge purpose for us and our existence.

        Furthermore, our kind are champion athletes, title-winning sportsmen and women, captains of industry which create jobs and tax revenue, architects who design magnificent structures, surgeons who save lives, emergency response personnel who tackle danger and save life and limb, coastguards and those who man lifeboats who go out in those gale-force winds across a turbulent sea and rescue the stricken, members of the military and security services taking hard decisions and carrying out necessary acts that mean people can sleep in their beds safe at night, academics who problem solve and provide a legacy of education, inspirational charismatic individuals who motivate people in a myriad of different ways, television presenters and pop stars who entertain, actors and actresses who entertain, writers, artists, sculptors whose creations amaze and enthralling, we innovate and invent, our self-belief and drive to be the best enables outcomes that otherwise would be unlikely to occur.

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      2. It seems my question was interpreted to be all about you. I was asking about me. For me, of the two things I mentioned, if you think a Narc could meet tbose wants.

        There are 100s of thousands of people in those professions who embody true compassion and responsibility. In addition to the heartless Narcissists with skills.

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      3. No you didn’t ask that at all.

        You asked “what is a NPD good for” – I explained how NPD serves a substantial purpose for us. I then explained all of the things that our kind achieve.

        You did not ask “how is a NPD good for me?”

        It was not “interpreted”. It was answered. Your attempt at spin is both transparent and inaccurate.

        You will find the best of the various professions and occupations that I listed are of our kind.

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      4. We were made to work together.

        Societies become great civilizations through collaboration. Tyranny destroys all the good things.

        Even you concede we are more than the sum of our parts.

        So I would venture the world would be a better place, and accomplish even more without NPD.

        Be narcissistic, fine, you are intelligent, handsome, and deserve to be recognized and applauded, by all means.. but without the abuse.

        je t’embrasse..

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      5. How?
        Many narcissists find ways to demonstrate their superiority and gain the plaudits and fuel they need from others without deliberately being so abusive. I do realize that all narcissists will be abusive in an intimate relationship, if for no other reason than they have no empathy and therefore can not respond in the ways we need for emotional support. However, the abuses you write about in your articles are way beyond the ones I have personally witnessed from my many narcissists over the years.

        I would posit that much of the abuse you do to your partners stems more from your self-acknowledged sadistic streak than from your actual needs for fuel. Sure the effects do provide fuel, but sufficient fuel could have been provided without causing so much damage to those who love you.

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      6. I also do much that garners me positive fuel through the demonstration of my superiority. Interestingly enough, in certain instances my abuse of a certain individual garners considerable positive fuel from the grateful and desperately relieved.

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      7. Then in those cases that abuse may be justified. There are many ways narcissists can find to draw negative fuel that can benefit society. And I am sure that you are smart enough to differentiate these negative fuel opportunities from those that merely satisfy your own amusement while causing harmful abuse to others.

        All narcissists reek havoc in their youth with no concern for the consequences. I realize that your sense of entitlement tells you that you need not be concerned with the welfare of others, but that’s a young man’s thinking. As you mature and think more of your legacy, that thinking may no longer be appropriate to your objective.

        You say often that this is just how you were made. Yes, but you are a highly intelligent and self aware man with both high drive and high ambition. If you see advantage in changing yourself, you can accomplish it. The choice, as always, is yours.

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      8. Thank you, Windstorm!
        (I wasn’t sure what the “How?” was referring to..)

        HG, FFS – all the interactions & THIS is what you choose to dive into?? (hahaa!)

        ..and now you’re bragging that there are benefits to your abuse??

        No, please. Stop.

        The bottom line is that you don’t care. At least that’s what you say.

        At least with narcissistic people, I can have a discussion about my needs – if there are sufficient benefits, I can usually obtain enough to move out of the realm of abuse, FFS – but YOU – you can’t even offer that??

        Come on.. if you are the all-powerful/omnipotent, HG, surely you can find ways to turn down your assholishness.

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      9. Yes, there are benefits to my abuse, however it is evident from your response you are considering this in a narrow way. I’d invite you to think about it in a wider sense and then you should start to understand.
        There is nothing “assholishness” about what I do.

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      10. No, seriously, HG – you just wrote “Yes, there are benefits to my abuse” = just stop there.

        I’m considering abuse in a “narrow” way?
        Why should anyone ever accept abuse? Period?

        This is what you’re writing for – to tell us to GOSO from people just like you. You’re telling us to stay away from you..

        You’re asking me to consider things from your perspective – can you explain to me, from your perspective, why I should accept abuse as beneficial?

        Do you seriously deny you’re an asshole?? hahhhaahhaahhaa!

        I’d rather understand your perspective on your “perchance to sleep” post as to whether you defend the gentle creature sleeping next to you and whether you could develop “the sense of being your guardian” – into a feeling of affection?

        PS, I still love you. 😉

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      11. Yes, there are benefits to my abuse.

        Why should they ever accept abuse? Because they deserve it.

        I want you to work it out. You are still thinking far too narrowly and therefore you are getting it badly wrong. I am not going to spoon feed you, you work it out, because I am correct and when/if you work it out you will realise why. You need to alter your perspective.

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      12. Dearest HG,

        Being the glutton for punishment that I am (is that on the list of traits sought after by narcs? 😉 ) I have given time and effort to this question, but I do not feel I’m making progress.. lost at the emotional sea, no doubt..

        On the personal interaction level, I researched when manipulation is beneficial and found examples such as a doctor flattering a patient who has successfully implemented recommendations for treatment – there are many examples along this line = however, this is constructive manipulation, so does not fall under the category of your abuse..

        On a grander scale, I thought of manipulation used to infiltrate criminal organizations or in cases of espionage in order to bring about a “good” outcome, depending on your point of view.. but I’m not sure this is what you had in mind..

        Then again, I thought of in the cases of a cult, or even a government regime, via propaganda, manipulating a population.. but I do not see that as beneficial.. however, this depends on point of view perhaps..

        so this brings the question – beneficial for whom?

        Or… was all this a distraction from all my “in moderation” posts you’d prefer to avoid? 😉

        And as I am new to this game of manipulation, I’ve come to you literally as a newborn – which does require some “spoon-feeding” – but I am doing my best.. reading & researching.. perhaps there is additional guidance you can offer to lead me in the direction you’re indicating?

        ever your faithful minion…(although in French it would be – ton favori) 🙂

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      13. On a grander scale, I thought of manipulation used to infiltrate criminal organizations or in cases of espionage in order to bring about a “good” outcome, depending on your point of view.. but I’m not sure this is what you had in mind.. – this in the correct direction

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      14. So.. are we good then? Are you satisfied with my research/effortful thinking, teacher?

        .. I guess then I am being selfish – I am neither in the mafia nor a spy, so these relationships do not tend to enter my consciousness…

        In your life, YOUR abuse – do you see benefits to others? (accepting that when someone else is a target, there is relief elsewhere)

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      15. ooohhh or are YOU a spy, HG?

        I am sure I am not the only lady to have imagined you as 007 – Tudor, HG Tudor… Plus.. like Daniel Craig in Skyfall.. hmmm… 😉

        Is James Bond (the character) a narcissist?

        ..right.. going back to finding my way out of the rabbit hole..

        Merci, HG.. I’ve enjoyed my time with you, very beneficial..

        xx

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      16. Yes, but then, you’re never really satisfied, are you, HG?
        So.. why should I keep trying…? 😉

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      17. While I do wish to understand you, there is a limit… a boundary..

        .. would you have me continue my addiction/infection with you, HG?

        .. must.. find.. my way out of the rabbit hole… xx

        (before I end up like some, confessing to fantasies.. j’en rêve)

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      18. Merci. I surrender. If you want to give me more reading to do, I’m willing, but I am apparently still failing to understand you..

        Is the answer somewhere in your reading I can find it? Please.. help me?

        I will never stop reading you. I enjoy it.

        ..ton favori.. xx

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