Icing On The Awake
The bedroom is one of my favourite rooms. One of my ex-girlfriends used to call it the torture chamber. Another called it the freezer. Their appellations amused me. I don’t like to be touched. Dr O has suggested this is because that touch reminds me too much of what I am missing. I laughed at her remark. I prefer not to be touched, so how on earth would I miss that? I soon learned in the bedroom however that there was an expectancy to touch and hold. At first I would go along with this ritual but I soon tired of it and the thought of ‘spooning’ made me gag. I then learned however that my dislike of being touched and touching was actual a very useful weapon. I initially refrained from touching purely because I did not like it. No more. No less. The person in bed with me however would make such a scene about it that I learned they had to be touched or held to affirm that I felt something for them. Accordingly, by withholding any form of contact this would really upset them. It was marvellous. I was able to turn an idiosyncrasy of mine into a tool to cause upset and distress. If I refused to cuddle up (I’m shuddering just typing that) then I would be met with loud sighs and pleading requests. This emboldened me to not even face their way. In fact, I would lie looking at them and then purposefully turn my back on them. Moments later the sobbing would start and I would feel the power flowing through me before I drifted off to sleep. From what they told me, they endured many a lonely night trying to sleep. If they tried to place an arm around me, I would shrug it off or if really irritated (and this was a body blow) I would get up and sleep in the spare room. I love doing this. Not only do I get to really isolate the other person but then I can criticise them in the morning for forcing me from my bed and into the spare room. That gives me a delightful boost as I butter my toast.
54 thoughts on “Icing On The Awake”
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HG,
What is the best way to deal with this when stuck in one apartment for another 3 days with the narc?
First question, why are you stuck? What is stopping you leaving, are you chained to the bed?
I wish …
No, money. Can’t (don’t want to) afford double rent … and also still have to get some work on the car done. I do have my own room but I still react to his ways … :/
Understood. Departure is of course the optimum aim. Co-existence is something that requires more information and expansion and is therefore a matter best addressed through consultation.
HG,
you describe how you learned to use this in your favour, but that’s you — do you think that a lower narc than yourself still wouldn’t be aware of what he is doing?
Or would it be safe to say that even someone who grew up with wolves would recognize the distress when the other person is crying and therefore be aware of the effect? Or would he simply not care?
He knows what he is doing but he does not know the real reason he is doing it.
Thank you, HG. Glad you’re back.
cuddling is claustrophobic and suffocating…. reserved for babies, children and certain animals only
Three of my narcissists didn’t like kissing. Two couldn’t get enough. I cannot say either was a problem. I respect these preferences, I don’t like pressing anybody for things like that (I would hate to be pressed as well) and I would certainly never ask for cuddling if it was not done naturally. I believe body contact has to be natural, without thinking, without talking, explaining and demanding, and this applies to both sides.Narcs or no narcs.
This, dearest HG, is an example of what I call assholish behaviour from my perspective.
This entire post.
It’s only my opinion. I’m allowed an opinion in my worldview – I know this is not the case w you & your kind.
Nevertheless, it isn’t meant as an insult – just an observation. Someone who withholds their caress on purpose to hurt, is an asshole.
I guess I’d include most of the manipulative behaviour you’ve taught me about under my umbrella term “assholery” 😉
Sorry I am struggling seeing your perspective, thank you for trying to teach me.
Ah well, I guess I’ll stick w Dickens:
“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
You are failing to understand.
I understand that you would regard such behaviour as assholery, judge from your perspective. As you know, it is not from our perspective as it is necessary.
I was not however referring to what amounted to “assholery”.
I was inviting you to think about and work out what I mean by the fact that a benefit arises from abusing someone. You keep thinking too narrowly.
I know I don’t understand – I cannot find when it would be beneficial – even torture has been proven inefficient..
The only benefit is to you… fuel…
But this post was in response to you claiming nothing you do is assholery, but I know – we don’t share the same perspective.
My Dickens quote is my surrender.
I will say, you’re the first person to call me narrow-minded 😉
..je t’embrasse..
I didn’t call you narrow minded, I said your thinking in this instance is too narrow, you are just thinking about a romantic entanglement between narcissist and victim, that is too narrow, I was encouraging you to think wider to find the answer.
HG, this is your special thing. I do not think that all narcs do not like to cuddle. My personal devil liked to cuddle all the time. Even in devaluation time. He needed it. That was another strange thing- to cuddle during an emotional war between us. It did not fit at all.
He was not able to use “cuddling” as a means of powerplay. He liked it too much. And he always said that I have “healing hands”. He said he could not/does not understand it, but repeated it so many times. “Healing hands.”
I believe I know why. I replaced the loving touch of a mother to her new born. That was the reason why. Maybe there was some kind of a tiny memory and a longing in him.
He always had his hand on my stomach while sleeping. I used to think it was cute and his way of reaching out to me. Now I see it as a control reflex.
Yes, this one applies to me.. I want to be touched. I am particularly vulnerable to this tactic and my narc knows it. The overwhelming sense of rejection and loneliness I experienced at the hands of my husband in this fashion has scared me permanently, I fear.
My ex narc liked to control the cuddling. If he initiated it and I tried to get up or extract myself he pulled me back to him – until he decided to stop cuddling. I think I thought this was endearing at the time… (eye roll at myself). He would say “I don’t like being touched, but it’s different with you. I like it when you touch me”.
I’ve since learned (here on the blog) that is a line from chapter one of the narc book of phrases.
My narc got me used to cuddling after sex and then, bit by bit, he withdrew the cuddling, and then the touching, and then the sex altogether.
HG,
If you haven’t been well fueled in awhile, would you have cuddle, or does cuddling happen during the golden period?
Cuddling would occur during the golden period or a respite golden period, if it really must.
Okay, that is what i thought.
It would definitely be a must, HG if I was with you during the golden, or respite period.
I like cuddling watching a movie, but I can’t fall asleep cuddling. I don’t like a whole lot of touching, for me it’s due to some abuse issues. I can fair better with men who are less demanding in this way. Once I had a bf who was overly affectionate. Always had to hold my hand or cuddle in some way. It was nonstop. It used to really trigger me and made me physically sick to my stomach. I spent a lot of that relationship drunk.
Four times….. Holy moly….. Lucky you, HG.
Lucky Depeche Mode.
Hehe, lucky Depeche Mode is right!
Honestly, I don’t see a strong positive correlation between “touching” and “narcissism”. I guess, it is all about individual’s level of the skin idiosyncrasy.
I’ve stayed awake many nights while the Lesser Somatic would be sound asleep peacefully.
My husband did this for years…what cunts
Ha, ha. A delightful boost as you butter your toast. Sounds infuriating to me. The million and trillion ways of acting in a hurtful manner everyday, there’s no end to the insidious games of abuse. Except keeping well away from it.
DM concert in London tonight –
Have a great time if you’re going Mr Tudor!
HG, has already seen saw Depeche Mode.
True, but it is never a bar to me doing so again. I almost went to see them on Sunday in Birmingham.
True, I saw them twice in one month.
I bet you’ve seen them more then once this year.
Four times.
Oh , I didn’t know. My friends are going tonight and i though it was the only venue, sorry.
I had to explain to some Millennial coworkers who DM was when ‘Personal Jesus’ began playing on Spotify.
It shows who would be attending their concert. A bunch of old people who once thought they were hip for dyeing their hair.
I speak the Policy of Truth.
Nah, the co-workers are just narrow in their music tastes, but nice try!
They are one of the best live acts I’ve ever seen and I only went with a friend bc she invited me. This was a few years back. I would have loved to have seen them when Nitzer Ebb was their opening act!
That was during the Music for the Masses tour. DM are pals with NE.
Bibi,
You are dead wrong.
DM draws a crowd of people from all age groups.
#1 Fan:
I was being tongue and cheek. I don’t know of any Millennials who listen to DM, but again, the ones I know also won’t watch a b&w film.
I meant ‘old’ as in their perspective, not ours. ‘Old’ to them would be anyone over 35. I would qualify as someone ‘old’ who once dyed her hair and thought herself as hip. I was poking fun of myself.
I listened to DM in 8th grade and high school. I haven’t gone to concerts for a while because the crowds stress me out, so I can’t claim to know with 100% certainty who listens to what, but this is just my observation.
Ha, ha! I’d never heard of DM until this blog. I’m sitting in my sons house with 3 millennials. I just asked, “Do any of you all know Dépêche Mode?” My daughter in law said, “I do. I think they were big in the 80’s.” Lol!!
lol You’re a shit! But I’m the same way. After the gratitous coupling.. you go to your side and leave me mine. My favorite Ex and I would touch a foot. That was it. And even then, that’s if we were feeling somewhat sentimental.
There were rare occasions we’d wake up bumped up against each other.. but we never punished the other for it. It was more like a joke.
So I take it no canoodling while watching a movie on the couch either?
I can totally relate to this HG. But it is because you don’t love the person you are with. If you love someone (you’re romantically involved with) you love to touch, spoon and cuddle up (sorry to cause you to shudder again ;)). When I look at men on a datingsite I also almost gag thinking I have to kiss them or touch them, that’s because they don’t mean anything to me. That’s why datingsites don’t work for me I guess.
I dunno…I think it depends. Intimacy kinda scares the shit out of me, to be honest. It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable with someone, and even so, I don’t want them always breathing down my neck.
Thus why I was so vulnerable to narcissists, because they managed to slip past my guarded self, which caused me to allow them to get emotionally close, wherein they just betrayed my trust in the end.
No spooning.
LOL. To me, this would have been a point in your favor.
If my non narc persisted, I would at least wait till he was asleep to remove myself from his arms and to the other side of the bed.
I can’t sleep like that at all. It is sensory overload,especially after sex. This maybe why the sex with the narc was good for me for so long.
It was the sudden and complete refusal on his part to have sex at all (with me) that was maddening. No real explanations. A lot of unreasonable excuses. I’m sure he got a lot of fuel out of that. If I brought it up, it was either i was never available when he was in the mood, or he accused me of only wanting him for sex. I never knew if I should be angry or laugh at that line.
This was the version of withholding affection that he used on me.
Your women are getting sex, but not what they really want from you.
You and my narc are both pretty damn cold. Withholding affection is a easy source of fuel.
At least I don’t have to deal with someone that isn’t giving what I’m asking for, anymore.
HG,
I hope you understand I meant no offense with the cold remark.
So far, you are the only narc I know that I’m getting what I want from him and not getting what I don’t want from him.
I will make sure to remind myself this will never happen IRL.
.
I prefer to cuddle with my cats. Humans just have too many elbows.
I prefer to cuddle with my cats too.
All 6 of them.
Except the 17 year old stinky grumpy bastard.
That is a lot of pet hair. A good vacuum is a must.
HG needs to get himself a huge, slobbering dog, like a Saint Bernard or one of those with all the face wrinkles and have it imprint its face onto his designer pillow cases as it shakes its salivary glitter drops across the nightstand and beyond.
I mean, imagine the fuel!
Never going to happen Bibi.
The Shark!
Humans suck!