Poll : What Act Of Retaliation Did You Commit?
Now, as you all know, you are the crazy one in this dynamic. After all, we invariably smear you to other people labelling you as a lunatic abuser or we tell the new prospect we are seducing that the ex is a psycho. Most of the time these are lies, concocted to serve our purposes but sometimes you do unleash the crazy as a consequence of having been pushed over the line by our manipulation of you.
If you have retaliated against the narcissist or narcissists, how did his manifest? I am not referring to kicking the narcissist out of the house, going no contact, giving the narcissist a dressing down, exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to family and friends, shopping the narcissist to the police, instigating divorce proceedings or similar. Whilst those are all acts of retaliation they are among the more common responses to how we have treated you.
Instead, we are looking at acts of retaliation that are beyond those. Acts which ordinarily you would never engage in as to do so would be contrary to your morals and usual behaviour but on this occasion you just lost it and retaliated.
Perhaps you decided to cheat on the narcissist after learning about his or her serial affairs? Maybe you took the scissors to the wardrobe or smashed up the Lord of the Rings porcelain collection? Possibly you went berserk and physically attacked the narcissist? Was it the case that you decided to cause major inconvenience to the narcissist by letting down all the tyres on his or her car, putting glue in the door locks or hiding important documentation in a hole in the garden? Perhaps you went into overdrive posting a frenzy of pictures and comments all over the narcissist’s social media pages and your own? Did you go on a spending spree using the narcissist’s money or steal away some possessions for your own use? Maybe you signed the narcissist up to easywhores.com or bigassdildolovers.com or sissyknickers.com ? What was your act of retaliation when you finally had had enough? You may choose as many as are applicable before you cast your vote and as usual do expand on your experiences in the comments section.
Thank you for participating.
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Oohhhh. A Poll….. reading through the list, I stopped and started laughing at “Signed the narcissist up to “undesirable” websites”…..laughing again at “Became creative with food”.
I never committed an act of retaliation but at one point I considered killing him and asked a friend to kill him for me I’m not proud of it and I would never have done it the only thing I did was I recently was hoovered again and after ignoring his Hoover’s for a year he messaged saying I miss you and I responded by sending pics of my new boyfriend which I know didn’t really bother him but it was fun
After I stumbled upon HG’s blog “knowing the narcissist” I attempted to “save” his new source & tell him exactly what he was at the same time. I knew he had a new fuel source right under our roof and I wanted to warn her and I wasn’t sure how to do it…. I had already told him to his face that he was a psychopath and a narcissist more than once and I also told had him in writing , so this time in our shared bathroom (that she was sharing then also)
I decided to paint the word PSYCHOPATH in 6 inch blood red letters with permanent paint on the wood panel right below the mirror, so every time he went to the bathroom he had to see it and so would she! Lol.
Since I escaped and went no contact , I still laugh about it every time I think about what I did🙂
By the way, I have no idea if it saved her or helped her or not, but no one painted over it for a month! After that, I moved & my no contact is stronger than ever!
THANK U HG!
U R TRULY A HERO!!!!
You’re welcome.
… it’s never an empathic supernova, I just fade, go Monosyllabic & after all physical fatigue and bewilderment
I let the abuser do more and more work and planning and waiting. I say things like
“sounds good”
“we could do that”
“yeah maybe”
& then nothing more, leaving arrangements, logistics and physical work to him, as much as I can. I respond the next day to their texts.
They quickly sense that I’ve changed, I’m on to them, so they leave or grandhoover.
No direct retaliation but instead a disappearing act across the world. Two decades later the wound had not been forgotten. I couldn’t believe after all that time he had confessed pain at my disappearance.
No. Not because he missed me, which is a given in this dynamic. Simply because he couldn’t find me more than once and his now defunct choices in life reared their ugly head.
He was now married to a harpy of a woman (which I’m sure she’s not) because I disappeared decades prior. He was now with two children that he had with said woman that had ruined his life and made him the monster addicted to various pills. His career was not what he signed up for and no proper recognition has come his way. (Failed actor syndrome.)
No. None of this was because of a direct correlation to his life choices. It was because I left decades prior and the fact he couldn’t find me more than once made him feel ugly daily. It’s truly astounding how long the poison can last. It’s mesmerizing the reasoning that can happen in his mind.
Come to think of it, maybe I should’ve just opted out for direct retaliation instead and slept with his ex or dated his best friend instead. Might have been a degrading approach that saved a lot of strange discovery years later but somehow I doubt that would’ve mattered at all.
Oh the drama of it all! Thanks for letting me share.
I really like the story of Betty Broderick as an example of how people can loose it with narcs. she killed the narc and his new bride
Would love a crime post about her story. not many have analyzed her ex-husband as a narc and how they can drive people crazy. Betty was a model and now is fat and in prison.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5bz1fp
Your last sentence amused me.
thanks for that comment. Very helpful to understand and remember what the narc dynamic is all about. I actually really like that whenever I enter the site it has that huge heart of “evil” That is what I need to remember. Get it in my brain.
great writing.
DIDO!
Interesting example. Will watch her story.
I can completely relate to Jenna’s story about her narc when he was depressed.
An ex narc boyfriend of mine contacted me after 10 years (!) of accidental no contact from me. He had had an epiphany when he had a severe life crises in which he lost all his source of supply.
He wanted to talk to me about his cruel behaviour in the past and wanted to know how I felt about it. I was off course completely indifferent after 10 years, so he got no fuel from me when I told him what I thought of his behaviour. He seemed to accept my opinion and even seemed embarrassed by his behaviour.
I stayed in touch with him for a while (this was before I knew about narcissism) and noticed that his improved behaviour disappeared again as soon as he started to heal.
So can they show some insight in their own behaviour and some change after a life crises? I think so, but it is just a fleeting thing.
On topic: my revenge on my current ex narc: I told him that he sucked in the bedroom. He didn’t like that at all because he thought he was God’s gift to women ;-).
It is all just pity plays and manipulation Iris, however, the mid-ranger does have a reality gap and you might find this article interesting; I did.
https://narcsite.com/?s=the+narcissists+reality+gap
Iris
P.S.
I like your “empath riposte grenade”: I told him that he sucked in the bedroom. That was awesome!
Iris,
Ty for sharing the story abt ur depressed ex narc. And excellent for u to tell ur current nex that his bedrm behavior is not up to standards!! 😅
Oh yes, they can – for a day, to get your sympathy and energy and to turn around 100% as soon as they have sucked you in again.
It’s a manipulation and a way to draw fuel.
I cheated on him with one of his friends. 🙂
maybe the narc organized this?
one of my narcs had his supporters hit on me.
Is this common?
Yes that happens.
Hi HG, When a Christian N/S type says “God convicts, he doesn’t condemn” is that the N/S’s justification in never taking personal responsibility? Do they truly believe that because they have Faith, they’re automatically forgiven? Or is just more delusions?
We will adopt whatever quotation, verse, saying or mantra that serves our purposes to gain fuel, assert control and maintain superiority.
It’s creepy! Thanks for clarifying, HG.
You are welcome.
My parent-narcs seemed to think so, yes, that they were automatically better than other people and forgiven whatever they did, because they uhm believe(d) themselves to believe in God. No responsibility for own actions.
My mother held very strict Christian rules and convictions, but did some things I can hardly believe, not believing herself to be accountable at all for anything, it’s like talking to the wall.
@ava101 – I can relate. They use God as a puppet. The ones I’ve come across (fake Christians) are so delusional and hate-filled. My N-parents included. Yes, it really is like talking to a wall. They’re right, you’re wrong. They’re good, you’re bad. They’re going to heaven, you’re going to hell. They want you to forgive them time and time again because God says you must. Nope!
Thank you, Survivor!
I like that expression,”using God as a puppet”.
I Contacted his baby’s mother and gave her his new address to be served with a court order for non-payment of back child support because he was avoiding it. She contacted me so many times yet I never responded to her message request. This time I felt the need to have him feel what powerless and embarrassment was. They had already placed liens on his accounts and took every penny he had in them a year or so before, and then blocked all avenues to obtain new credit. No new vehicle, no new house, and no new loans until he payed arrears of $15,000 in back support. So now he’s in debt and stuck in a stagnant place in his life. He’s tried to relinquish his rights in order to lift the support order but she’s not budging. He chose this life and chose to not wear a condom knowing he didn’t want a kid yet blames her for getting pregnant, having the kid, and wanting his support. Touché Mr Narc who made my life a living hell! 🤪
Expanding on ‘Caused major inconvenience to the narcissist’… Basically did this using all of the smaller listed acts outlined above with a few of the poll items but the part that allowed anything to work was reading…no, studying really… ‘Revenge’ and following through with what I could pull off while also adhering to the core principle and in which ways as determined by his pillars based on his school and style.
Once this was determined all that was left to decide upon was how to go to war at the right/best times, to do so progressively, and always at unscheduled and irregular intervals but persistently and in various ways using literally sometimes the examples HG gave in the ebook because I was far too worried I’d choose ways that broke the core principle at least initially.
After some time, my head cleared enough and he presented an area open for criticism by covertly bragging about it to me and others, and that area could be easily ‘attacked’ by other people quite harmlessly but always leaving a hint of uncertainty letting his paranoia do the rest (that medicine tasted lovely I am sure).
The last blow was when I lived up to all his previous accusations of me only keeping him around for money which at the time was not even remotely true and was just a way to get me to prove that to him for his own enjoyment.
Except that I pulled this off without actually having to endure his intolerable fake good guy flip to petulance and sulking, then smearing me to others by twisting facts and reality to paint me black. This time he had a real reason to complain and by then most mutual acquaintances had already seen the proof I had for themselves of who he really is behind closed doors.
Even still, I did get stupid enough to let a revenge Hoover occur because as usual I allowed my hoped for version of events make me vulnerable enough so he could get some kind of feeling of a discard of me vs from me in, but that in the end didn’t win him any friends or favours. And he so loves his nice guy personna so I call that a zero loss.
Overall he took losses and has had to fall back on parents for fuel and has had to do so on ongoing basis for months on end because either he can’t find a new person at same level in his hierarachy of status that will give him similar levels of supply and benefit of doubt while also providing secondary benefits like a certain to live and personal financial manager, or who won’t agree to more than a couple of dates if even that because he doesn’t measure up in their own hierarchy due to his situation or through word of mouth in this small town.
He thinks he’s still won because he hasn’t apogised formally after hoovering. And ignored any attempt to have him gather let of his things.
Wonder if he’ll ever notice that I’m not chasing after him asking for one either trying to understand why?
I wouldn’t want to hear it even if he tried.
Sorry for the essay, I must’ve saved up a couple months worth of comments for now I suppose 😉
Discarded me brutally (for the last time) after stealing nearly $100,000. This time I did not ask to come “home.” I allowed the divorce to proceed, but once he called my place of employment to tell my boss and colleagues what a horrible person I turned out to be I went on the offensive. I filed for a protective order, citing the physical abuse to me and my daughters, the threats and the fact that he owns many guns, the sexual manipulation and violence against me, etc. all of this was outlined on in detail in the filing. Then there was my day in court, when the DA had me on the stand. I told my story of 11 years of abuse. The judge signed a 2-year protective order, which is the longest period of time allowed. This is now on his record, hopefully for another victim to find. He was enraged!! After court he drove up to me quickly, his face purple, and shook his fist at me and made the smashing gesture across his neck before roaring off so no one would see/photograph him. That act by me put the final nail in my coffin. I would never be allowed back. The divorce proceeded with him stealing my life’s savings, my retirement 401k, and even the life insurance for my eldest daughter who had died. I’m broke and broken, but at least I’m free. NC has worked for me thus far (1 year).
Even a win is a loss. xx
Dorothy
It’s so sad to hear you lost your money that way. At least you are free and have your protective order. Money is like air. It is all around us every day and can be reacquired. Take it one day at a time and the universe will take care of you. ❤️
Good grief, your story makes me sick. Dorothy I’m sorry that happened to you. Why didn’t the judge order him to pay the money back? Oh and hey, good job on 1-year of NC. That deserves a huge round of applause.
I’m glad I beat mine to the bank and cleaned it out first. On vacation, mine told me he was going to annihilate me. Whatever that means. I’m already hollow, what’s he going to do, turn me into dust?
Geeez these people, the more I read, the less I want to let new people near me without a full background check, references, a brain scan, etc.
I feel for you. I really, really do. Hope you’re getting better by the day. And if money is your thing yet, go for it…There are many ways to make it on the internet.
No such retaliation. I ignore them. More time and energy for myself.
I have to add a whole bunch of stuff:
1) Before he left the house, I switched out his Cialis with Women’s Vitamins. He can’t confront me because, well then, he’s admitting to cheating. Guess he’ll have to play pool with a limp noodle!
2) I found out he stole his 2nd wife’s property, as he married her on her death bed. I’m in the process of contacting her children to return the items to the rightful owners. He lied about that one, said he was married a little over a year, when in fact he was married less than one month. What a douche, I guess he married in the hospital on her death bed.
3) I tricked him into filing first so I he would play out his hand (told him I would let him file, so I wouldn’t embarrass him at his job), he then wasted his money trying to get me served. I already had my attorney in place and ready to squash that action. LOL no fuel.
4) The day he left the house I went down to the bank and withdrew all the money out down to 1k. You know so he could have a little bit of pocket money. That threw him in a whopper of a rage, which I knew it would, I fully expected him back at the house for a confrontation.
5) When he showed up at the house I called the police on him and started screaming in the phone he’s acting crazy, screaming and hollering, he’s threatening to get his hands on me and choke my neck, etc. He now has a police report on him. He also lied on the divorce papers saying I said I was going to have him arrested. Never said that, I have both the audio/paper report to prove that…perjury much!
6) I told the neighbors when they asked about the police being at the house, that he cheated, and I was divorcing him, and he was mad he got caught.
7) I’ve already laid out a piece of fish in his fancy BBG, so it will attract rats and they will eat through the wires and just poop all over it.
8) He tried to kick me out of his house, with the fact it was ‘his house for 25-years,’ but because I gave up my career for him I have no job and cannot rent an apartment. He’s seething big time over that one. But hey his favorite activity was to disappear to hotels, so he should be happy, right!
9) I cancelled all joint credit cards. No more charging and trying to get me on the hook for his expenses. Oh, don’t worry, his wallet is loaded with plenty of other credit cards in his name only.
10) I took over all utilities, creating on-line accounts, when I leave I plan to cancel all services. He’ll have to restart everything back up, running around town like a chicken with his head cut off.
11) I blocked him from calling and/or texting me, so he has that loss of fuel. I communicate only through my attorney to his attorney.
12) I plan on moving several states away, so he will never ever get the chance to even find me to try and retaliate. If he does, I’ll file stalking charges, as he will have no official business where I am going.
13) I already unplugged the refrigerator in the utility room, he has his fresh salmon flown in from Seattle, other fish products and his imported beer in there. Let that rot, go flat and grow disgusting maggots. Eeeeewwww what a mess that will be.
14) I’ve already donated what underwear he left and one pea coat to Goodwill.
15) After everything is over and aired out in court, I plan to get transcripts and send them to his boys, his friends, and a few people at his work I know are gossips. Then they will know the ‘real’ person and not the fake one he has fabricated. He’s a liar, a sneak, a cheater and a forger. Oh, yea and a perjurer.
16) Oh, almost forgot, when I leave I plan to pour pure Cedarwood Essential oil straight into the carpets. It will be so pungent he won’t be able to breath. He’ll have to get the carpets professionally cleaned.
I plan to dismantle this piece of sh!t layer-by-layer. I warned him to stop messing with me, over and over, he failed to listen. Not my fault he pushed me into SNM.
Karma’s a real b!itch!!!!!
Hi super empath…the marriage to the lady who died is very douchie! Narcs will take advantage of any opportunity.
I have to admit that one really shocked me.
To be married to someone who married a dying person to get their assets and then twisted the story all around as though they had been married well over a year and he took care of her the whole time. OMG, it makes me sick and disgusted.
He was trying to drive me crazy, (my Trauma Counselor diagnosed me with PTSD for crying-out-loud), with all his manipulations and controlling behavior I felt like I was going insane. When I stopped all my depression meds cold turkey, he called my doctor and was trying to get me committed to the nut ward. I stayed in the guest room until I had fully detoxed from everything. He didn’t bring me a cup of soup, a cold towel………..no he disappeared to a hotel he was so mad.
Everything was a lie, I’m not sure he’s ever told the truth. I don’t think he even knows what the truth is, he lies about dumb stuff, things that are so insignificant. I don’t know how he keeps it all straight. Who he told what to when and why.
I cannot wait to get as far away from this narc as I can. Yesterday was too late.
Oh SuperEmpath!
You could option that out for a movie!
I was waiting for the fish to appear in someones story!
I didn’t have the keys, but I was going to put fish where the cabin air filter goes in his Cadillac!
I’ll admit. The fish impressed me too. Subtle but effective. Very obnoxious but nothing you could get sued over.
Well since he’s disappeared, I have no idea where he is and have zero desire to follow him to even know. As long as I don’t have to look at him–I’m happy.
I guess messing around with his car is out. But perhaps I could pay a bum to walk through the parking lot and key-in a giant d!ck on both sides.
I’ll wait for the ink to dry on the divorce papers and I’m already on the road before I would do that one.
Obviously they would point fingers at me if it happened before.
But I like it–good idea.
I never did anything specific to this poll but I came close. Once I damaged a sexy body chain that he gave me until it was barely recognizable and mailed it back to him broken beyond repair, only to discover on his IPSP’ s public account that she was wearing something similar that he gave her days later purposely knowing I was looking.
I also posted a photoshopped picture of her ( that he sent to me ) with a clowns face imposed on her body as my profile pic on a music account I knew he would see.
I made a collection of photos in a collage of a bunch of women who he had fucked and used that as my profile photo later on.
I created a fake Instagram account and followed her , making nice comments. She followed me back and I could see everything she liked and posted. One comment too many on my part and she cut me off once she realized and reported me to him immediately. I was the psycho.
He really drove me to a crazy making place. The stalking and the waste of time I put in to retaliating was embarrassing. The whole time he must have lived for the fuel. No matter what I did he always found a way to out do my crazy by being meaner and crazier than I could ever be.
No retaliation. Thought about it. Fantasized about it. Don’t have it in me. Plus really he is not worth expending any more of my time or energy
It was never my intention to retaliate. Unfortunately I had a run in with him and his new source of fuel, who incidentally was one of my bridesmaids in our wedding. I tried to walk away from the situation, but she got smart mouthed with me and I ended up putting her it the hospital and getting arrested for assult.
oh well….
Ditto ANK!
12345
Don’t beat yourself about anything; we have all been there and done that.
After a particularly severe rage, I tore a pocket off of one of his shirts. Then a few minutes later, I regretted it and hid the shirt until I could sneak it out of the house to throw away. As far as I know, he never noticed – he had A LOT of clothes.
What I really wanted was for him to be exposed and/or held accountable, I wanted the world to know, I wanted Child Protective Services to know, I wanted the police to know, his employer, his family, his lieutenants, his coterie, the world. But I was too afraid of his vindictiveness to have even considered poking the bear, and I kept it all to myself. It sure did feel good in the moment though to rip that pocket off!
I’ve enjoyed reading – thank you everyone!
The adage – Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned – came to mind 🙂
Nuit Etoilee – agreed. Best not to kick a hornets’ nest.
I considered some of Them But I decided that He should NOT be allowed to steal away What i at most and What He first desired to have himself and Then desired to destroy: my kindness and my sweetness. I Will NOT sink this low. But I am very Nice and friendly to his new target He is trying to triangulate me with… just to annoy him.
Love Echo
I agree, Echo. We can’t let them destroy the characteristics that make us who we are! And staying sweet and not getting upset when they triangulate will end up taking all the fun out of it for them.
I’ve had a lifetime of codependent “love” affairs. Not until the last one ended 2.5 years ago did I come to realize that if I were angry with him, I had also to be angry with myself as we were each 50% of the equation in this lesson that was actually tailor made for me. Instead of languishing in the usual hurt and self pity for attracting yet another heartbreaker, I began to see myself with clarity for the first time in my life. Oh, I’d had flashes of clarity here and there, but those never felt good, so I didn’t dwell on them. It was always so much more comfortable in the “fog zone” as I called my delusional little world.
If you want things to change, you have to do things differently, and I’d grown tired of riding the codependency merry go round. I stopped crying and began to realize that my narcissist was actually the perfect partner to force me to look at myself honestly. This last relationship was the one that really proved to me how little regard I’d had for myself. Boundaries? Didn’t know the word existed around him. He wasn’t even my idea of really good looking and the sex definitely could’ve been better. There was a lot that wasn’t what I was looking for. All of this I ignored for the tiny snippets of fake “love” that I’d traded my whole heart and more for. I’d sold myself out for less than ever before and I finally saw the truth of the matter.
There’s a lot more I could say about my story and my philosophy about codependent / narcissist relationships, but suffice it to say that if you want to heal more quickly after you make it out, anger and retaliation keep you focused on the negative aspects of the relationship and not on changing yourself. Then you attract another one. What I’m about to say will sound extremely insensitive and counterintuitive to those who can’t see themselves with clarity, but you’ll heal very quickly if you can understand that the person you attracted to you is, on a spiritual level, trying to help you shrug off the chains of codependency. If you can wrap your mind around that concept and appreciate the fact that you were drawn to exactly what you needed at the time, you are able to see the positive aspect of the relationship. When you can do that, the anger just kind of melts away and you’ll be amazed at how quickly and permanently you’ll heal.
I’m not making light of anyone else’s experiences or their progress in their journey when I speak this way. I’m simply trying to relate what finally allowed me to complete the lesson of codependency.
Sorry HG, no fuel here. I will only think of you and others like you, with the highest possible regard, for I believe you live in an even more painful reality that I once did.
Just another human,
Your thoughts are so similar to mine and I understand exactly what you mean. I’m just in the beginning of my recovery, I haven’t even passed the six months since the breakup yet and I’m still in a lot of pain. The first three months were awful, the worst experience of my whole life. I was constantly tossed around between an almost physical need for him and the pain of knowing it was definitely and beyond repair over. Then something in me shifted, ever so slightly at first, then remarkably fast. I’m still sometimes in some sort of cognitive dissonance, I still feel a lot of anger (not directed entirely at him; I think it’s the pent up anger that I wasn’t allowed to feel before, directed at people in my life in general), but I started to realise that up until then I’d continued to make everything about him, no difference at all to when in the relationship. And this journey is actually about me, and only about me. He was a sharp tool used to finally have a good look at my own worrying behaviour and discovering some painful truths about myself.
I realised I’ve had, or tried to have, co-dependent relationships all my life, and even though the others were not with narcissists I got bored with them, not being able to play my co-dependent part properly. I don’t know if that makes sense at all, but I grew up with a narcissistic mother who left me without boundaries and I think I’ve tried all my life to recreate that kind of abusive dynamic mistaking control, power, drama and subservience for love.
Like you say I think the narcissist I was involved with came into my life to teach me something vital about myself. I’m grateful to him, or will be in the future at least. I finally got to reenact my childhood drama, I thought I fell deeply in love for the first time in my life, I experienced an obsession that was bordering on mental illness almost, and I’ll be leaving this hurtful entanglement with a stronger notion of knowing who I am and how to put all the love I seem to give away for free to others into loving myself first and foremost.
Your post reminded me so much about the positive side to the pain. Thank you!
I like your insight too Catherine and I recognize the ‘obsession’ you mention. I could not believe afterwards how obsessive I’ve acted. Good luck to you! X
Catherine,
Thank you so much for your reply! It was heartening to hear from someone who doesn’t want to stone me for suggesting appreciation for their narcissist. Since completing the lesson of codependency, I’ve attracted several codependent people into my life. I figure there’s a good reason for that, so I always try to help.
People get so focused on blaming their narcissist and being angry, that it’s very difficult to teach them that there is a positive aspect to their experience. What separates the negative from the positive is merely a person’s point of view.
It was very refreshing to read your post and I understood perfectly! Typically, when I first begin to explain my way of thinking about the dynamic in this type of relationship, I get a murderous look from the person I’m trying to help. Everybody I’ve helped so far has eventually been able to understand what I was trying to do but it takes time. It’s harder with people who are still in the relationship. They can sit on my couch for hours and we discuss it and they understand when they leave. As soon as they get back in the fog zone they forget everything. But, when they’re ready to leave, it’s so much easier for them if they’ve adopted a positive attitude about the whole thing.
I only wish I were as eloquent as HG. It would be much easier for everybody concerned. As long as I’ve practiced using the English language, you’d think I’d have it down pat, but not so! Working on being a more diplomatic person while imparting my philosophy about this type of relationship is a constant challenge as well.
Peace, fellow humans.
Just another human and catherine,
I understand both of u completely.
Thank you so much Blank for your kind words, good luck to you too!
Just another human,
I understand you perfectly and I admire your kindness in helping other co-dependents. I don’t think I would’ve listened either when I was involved with my narcissist, even though I knew that something was horribly wrong, but I do listen now and I couldn’t agree more with you.
There’s no point in harbouring all this anger and resentment in the long run, it will only backfire some way or another. True recovery must include realising that there are always two persons in a relationship creating a certain dynamic and even though I’m not to blame for his abusive ways I need to have a good look at my own issues that made me susceptible to him in the first place. Painful as it all was, he didn’t actually close any doors in my heart, I won’t let that happen, and I will from now on adopt the view of him opening some doors in me instead. I now finally have the opportunity to look deep within, get to know and love myself. That’s what this whole hurtful experience will be about to me. A life lesson I don’t want to miss out on. I’m grateful for that. So NC. Not to spite or to please him. Just for me.
And by the way, you’re very eloquent; I’m not a native English speaker and I find myself struggling with clarity, trying to find the exact wording all the time. I appreciate your posts a lot!
Peace to you too!
Catherine, dw, ur english is excellent.
Thank you Jenna!
J.a.h., I can totally relate to this. Well said! X
Never have but fantasy pay back would be simple :
I envision myself walking up to him, I am dressed completely as a ninja with my mouth covered, only eyes exposed, and with one clean slice, slitting him slightly on the neck, catching him by surprise as he would not have expected it. I’d kneel down and gently kiss his lips and then lay down next to him to watch him die. I’m crying as I type this. This idealization would be my love for him that he ruined (hence the merciful death) and the necessity to stop him from continuing to run about the earth this way (the actual taking of his life).
Whatjusthappened,
Like euthanasia? To end him of his own misery? 😢
I just imagined myself doing what u described, and i think he wud smile, and thank me. That’s how miserable he is with his life. But i wud not use a knife becoz that wud pain him. I don’t want to cause him pain.
P.s. in case someone is thinking of accusing me of wanting to be a saint, no i don’t want to be one. This poll wants honest answers, so that is what i am giving. No harsh judgements pls!
It is a fantasy if you think they would go peacefully and be thankful. I think you all would be surprised at how despite their moaning and seeming sadness, they would cling to life and fight you desperately if you tried to “euthanize” them. If you’re close enough to touch them, they’d just overpower you and hurt you badly. Use a handgun, at fairly close range and shoot from ambush. It won’t hurt him if he’s already dead.
Jenna,
Would never judge you, or anyone else on here for that matter. I admire your ability to forgive and not wish him pain.
I can’t say the same for myself – there are times when I want to just give him love and care for him, even though he doesn’t deserve it, but other times and in particular right now I wish him pain, both physical and mental. Although I don’t he will ever feel mental anguish, nothing phases him..
It’s strange you say that he would thank you. Do you think that is also partly to do with him fearing a painful death? Narchole has often talked about dying quickly in motorcycle accident.
Windstorm,
U r right. He is a narc after all. He wud probably just fight!
Ank,
I know u wud never judge me. But i have been judged by others. So, i thought it’s better to add the disclaimer b4 things erupt 😁
It is understandable that u wish to cause him pain. Last yr, i was angry at him.
But when he actually experienced depression and was in mental pain, i couldn’t see him in that condition. When i exposed him last yr to somebody, that person exposed him to more pple. His facade crumbled. He went into precipice. He became the fading narcissist. He was suicidal. He isolated himself. He became paranoid thinking everybody knows. He could not look pple in the eye. He wanted to move to an isolated geographical area. His narc traits practically vanished.
He asked me to help him. Very little deflecting, silence, blame shifting during depression. He took the blame for his actions. He admitted he had done wrong. But he was in extreme pain. He said his mind feels empty and he doesn’t know why (low fuel), and that his heart is always burning and he doesn’t know why (underlying churning fury), and he described other symptoms that i clearly recognized frm reading the blog. I felt sad for him. I caused him pain. I don’t want to cause him any more pain. It broke my heart. Slowly, his depression is subsiding, and i can see his narc traits returning. Mind u, those narc traits aren’t v abusive – just silence and mostly deflection, but i liked him better without the narc traits.
Bless you Jenna.
I think you have had more insight into your narc than I have had into mine. I can understand your forgiving him and not wanting to cause him pain. If Narchole was open and honest with me I would probably be able to do the same, because I’m at heart quite forgiving, but hate injustice and deliberate infliction of pain and hurt on people whether through words or actions or behaviours.
You caused him pain by exposing him – I guess he got depressed feeling sorry for himself and fearing isolation, lack of fuel.
I think you are narc is similar to min e in that he hasn’t ever been abusive, just silent treatments and blocking, triangulation and comments, all done subtly though.
God know what he was like with his wife.
Hi Ank and Jenna,
You both write of receiving very little abuse from your Narcs, thankfully!
I just want to point out that the abuse accelerated during my relationship with my Nex-husband, especially during Devaluation. He became physical after 14 years together, during one episode of fury. This event ultimately lead to my divorcing him. It was the recognition of the physical abuse that made me realize all his other tactics were also abuse. I found the other forms of abuse (psychological, emotional, sexual, financial, etc…) to be far more damaging and long-lasting than the physical abuse. He still haunts me today, 15 years after No Contact (we were together 16 years).
Jenna, I’m so happy that you have been able not to respond to your Narc! It’s a big step! I am now No Contact, blocked on all media & photos deleted for 4 days with my Narc and am moving on rather well! Re-reading HG’s Exorcism Too!
Kimi,
Being a DLS IPPS I only got to see what he showed me. He could have been abusive to his wife. I don’t think he would be physical, buy I can imagine gaslighting, word salad etc., alluding subtly to maintain the facade.
I’m sorry that you went through all that abuse, both psychological and physical. 16 years is a long time, a very long time to be with someone and to have endured that.
When the manipulation is masked or not as obvious it confuses the mind. I think if he had been nasty, it would be easier but that is not his style.
Every word he says I analyse. And yes they are just words, that trip of his tongue, which are not meant. I listen to be able to apply what I have learnt from HG. It helps me recognise Narc speak, and I know that it will help me to recognise other narcissists. Familiarisation is my armour against other narcs.
Hi Jenna!
I hope you realize that I am in no way trying to question or seem like I’m minimizing anything that man has put you through. But may I ask you this: Are you absolutely positive he is as depressed as he claims to be? That what you say or do is actually causing him pain? Or could it be perhaps it is all very convincing tactics and elaborate mind fuckeries to merely keep you attached to him? In other words he says the things he knows will make you feel bad, feel sorry for him etc, so that essentially it ties you to him, never really allowing you to escape and move on? You deserve so so much more than to be shelved until he is finished his fun and games with others.
Hi kimi and ank,
The prblm w these type of mid-rangers is that they are so kind for yrs and yrs, it is very easy to be fooled. I thought mine is umr, due to him having some awareness of himself, but frm hg’s recent article, mmr suits him better due to the politeness and kindness. The facade maintenance is quite remarkable. With the lesser, it is easy to spot the violence. W the greater, the manipulation wud leave u feeling uneasy i imagine. W these mid-rangers, i feel they beat both schools when it comes to keeping the mask on. Always kind, polite, helpful. It is a prblm becoz, many normals and empaths don’t behave as nicely as they do. We can easily b fooled for yrs and yrs, as kimi was.
Kimi, i am sorry u had to endure that, and that he still haunts u today. Is he an mmr? May i ask, what type of emotional abuse did u recognize after the physical took place? How many yrs into the marriage were u when the emotional abuse started? U need not answer any of these questions if it is difficult for u.
Kimi, ty for the encouragement. I wish u continued strength to proceed w the nc. It is a big step and i’m v happy u r being strong!
Ank, i too learn alot abt narc speak frm being here. I am able to more easily spot it. Tbh, when i do spot it, it actually makes me laugh (inside of course).
Hi star,
Ty for ur comment. I know u r not trying to minimize what nex has put me thru.
There is always a possibility that he is lying abt the depression. But even if there is 10% chance that it is true, i would feel guilty if i didn’t help him. After all, my exposure is what caused it. I realize, it was he, who ultimately caused it, by being on those websites in the first place, but my exposure certainly made him feel shame for it. Even if he was not depressed, i know for sure narcs feel shame when exposed. I have reason to believe he was depressed tho, because his behavior was very different. For example, the grandiosity had completely vanished. He even said to me ‘u weren’t answering me and when u finally did, i felt like a had a new life’. He was so stripped of fuel, that when i finally replied to his hoovers after 2 months, he felt ‘rejuvenated’. He does not know it is all abt the fuel.
He certainly might be using the depression to gain extra pity frm me. I do recognize that. I am a little confused abt whether or not he is trying to bind me to him. Hg says they want us to stay binded. My nex, becomes agitated when i tell him i am attached to him. After our relationship was over, he admitted that he always feels uncomfortable when pple r attached to him, and that it makes him feel like he cannot be free. Post hoover and re-establishment of the relationship as friends, i once replied to his text with ‘happy to hear frm u!’ to which he replied ‘oh, yeah’. I didn’t know what was wrong. A few hrs later, he texts me ‘u shud be fine even if u don’t hear frm me’. Basically, he was trying to stay quiet abt it, but then he finally just had to tell me, that he dislikes it when i feel attached to him in any way.
But dw, we are no longer in a relationship. Last yr, we decided to stay friends, but approx 2 wks ago, i stopped replying to him.
Ty for ur concern, star. It really touches my heart.
Jenna
I think the difference is that they want us bound to them as a fuel source (even if they don’t realize it), but they don’t want us to feel that they are bound to us – that we are needy and expect things from them. That’s why they say they don’t want people feeling bound to them.
Windstorm,
Ty for the explanation.
ANK, spot on. I think the motorcycle thing is BS. I have heard it from mine too, all the while he was fucking someone else and getting engaged and getting married. I too at times want to love him, but lately I’ve learned (through lots of watching yoitube and reading) to remind myself of what he really is. In this case, I can’t find my rage. I want to lash out at him. And yes I do wish him a life of pain because of the fact that that is what he’s left me with, possibly forever. I am hopeful and prayerful though that it is God’s will that I fully heal. I turned my back on Him but He didn’t turn his on me and without going into details I know that for a FACT.
although I do question why God allows evil to roam this earth in the first place, because He’s shown Himself to me through pulling me out of this, I have decided to accept that we as humans are limited in knowledge. And limited in forgiveness. I have yet to forgive mine got my own sake. If I can wake up without hating the world and be able to smile again then maybe. Otherwise I hope all this hate for him will go right to him and cause him horrible things in life.
Whatjusthappened,
The more I think about it, the more I feel that he fears getting old and not being able to do what can do now. And his excuse for what he does is you’re a long time dead.
I go through phases of feeling love and hate. They kind of alternate depending on triggers, but yes like you I want him to feel the pain that I am going through. Sadly I don’t think that is within their range of emotions, not genuine empathetic pain, only pain from lack of fuel.
We have similar thinking regarding evil, and I often hoe unfair it is that good people end up suffering. People talk about forgiveness but what exactly is forgiveness? Acceptance? My previous relationship to Narchole was with someone who I know now had narcissistic traits. And while he wasn’t screwing around my back he seemed to be looking for something he thought was better. He dumped me via e-mail to say he had started a relationship with someone and was engaged to her. That happened in the space of two weeks. Have I forgiven him? I don’t think so. After a long time I accepted it in the sense that I no longer feel anything for him. I think that is the best I can hope for with Narchole.
‘Otherwise I hope all this hate for him will go right to him and cause him horrible things in life’ – if only it would……..
I burned every single thing he owned in the fireplace and sold the house cheap for cash while he was staying at friends. I also decided I wasn’t going to pay for the truck he thought I was buying for him. Then I spontaneously quit my job, packed everything I and our kids needed in my little car, picked them up from school early, and we moved far away without telling anyone. He literally woke up one day and we were all gone. Everything was gone. It was dead of winter. He had no clothes, no home, no vehicle, and no job because he depended on me. He was violent so some of that was actually for defense rather than retaliation. No contact is and always was easy as I’ve never wanted to speak to him again. Closure was learning about Stockholm Syndrome and Narcissism. I learned the best revenge is living well so I’ve made sure to to do everything I can to not let him manipulate me anymore and just learn that it’s ok to be happy. Over the years I’ve come to realize his threats are all bullshit anyway and he’ll never actually do anything except try to hack all my social media every couple of months. If it wasn’t so pathetic it’d be amusing. He still doesn’t pay child support and I’m sure he never will so I just pretend he’s dead. Can’t resent a corpse.
Lisa Reed don’t let any of that stop you. Domestic Violence situations often have messy, blurred lines of culpability but violence upon you is something you should get help with. The Narc I know uses violence, intimidation and threats and the police know about him. He himself calls the police at any minor infraction against him and then the neighbors, etc call from all the shouting, fightibg, and disruptive behavior that surrounds him. And all the thefts of cars, and personal property that happen wherever he is.
This wouldn’t be considered very savage, but I thought why not.
Let’s just say we were put together for work. We worked together in close corders and I wasn’t available, but he did get me addicted to him eventually. (No sex). He is also a virgin somatic I think? One time when we were having one of our sex conversations during the ” golden period” I told him I thought about someone else when I had sex with my partner. ( I was with someone else and I was going through some hard times, but would Never think about anyone else in the past). He asked me who, and I told him that I had to keep some things a secret from him (obvious it was him) . Keep in mind, I’m a very loyal person to whoever my partner is, even if there’s an asshole, and I didn’t want something to affect the outcome of my current situation, also my job. So when he started to devalue me he asked me again so I lied and told him it was someone else at work He laughed and said I knew it wasn’t me. He also on a different day started to pinch my arms really hard so after he was done I said look what you did to my arms, I had bruses all over my arms. He said you bruise easily, I didn’t pinch you that hard. So he told me to pinch him so I pinched his skin so hard he got mad and said it gave him a headache. He later got me back a few more times as payment for giving him a major pinch.
I forgot to mention. When my Narc started playing hot and cold on me I decided to get him back.. When we were heading out to our cars after work, I saw one of my friends of the opposite sex walking to his car, I went up to him and started talking to him. So my Narc starts pushing me and I start pushing him back, and it went on for while. My friend was actually laughing because it looked like a 4- year old that was mad because he wanted attention.
No retaliation, even when he was perfectly placed for it.
I do have an edge to my disposition in accordance with Super Empath criteria.
In the end I resisted. I may feel unhinged but I never exhibit unhinged behavior around him. At worst, I challenged him with elementary logic which infuriated him.
He can cause his own destruction better than I can. Bonus points that I remain untainted, guilt free, and happier for it.
Well as a self aware Borderline I now dont flip like this but the worse I did to one of the many Narcs in my life is when he left me to go to ex gf house to do meth which I hate tweekers ! I now know my fear of abandonment was also triggered so I went over there, slow popped 2 tires on car, then rammed the other 2, he came out you could hear it ha ha ! Then he went back in the house, and I had a Goober jar (peanut butter and jelly mix) and proceeded to Huck it threw the living room window ! Well cops came and I calmly met them… He was out showing what I did and they ran him he had a warrant, they arrested him while I got a ride home and in the end only had to pay for 2 tires tho they tried for 4 but police report said only 2… Ex gf never put an estimate for window so didn’t pay anything there… It was the only way I could hurt him I knew that and I did. He still came around 3 times after I did this ! Narcs loved my crazy and drama sometimes but I watch myself now because sometimes they just want you to lose it and do something…
I cheated on the narc, in retaliation for non intimacy, constantly telling me I was physically disgusting, teasing me sexually with no intent to deliver, and because I thought he was lying about being impotent. Another sort of sleep rape.(I’ve since been informed the ED does not automatically mean no ejaculation.)
He had a hanger on that was a contractor/handy man. The narc constantly gave him “jobs” but only paid for parts and materials, then denigrated his work quality constantly and him personally.
Mr Fix-It was also for some strange reason allowed to witness the narcs denigration and emotional abuse of me.So when he was sent to the home to repair something that I couldn’t, I also asked him to “fix me” while he was at it. I found many more things to be repaired around the house. I left hints. I now believe mister omniscient had not one clue. Never even suspected either of us would go “off script”. I thought he knew because of a heated phone call, and the fact that Mr Fix- It left state and changed his phone number. But he also took the narcs’ narc lieutenant spy that I had banned from our home (narc was supposed to have not been seeing her anymore, but still was, so I suspected adultery on his part with her), with him when he left. That could have been the reason for the call.
I think the poor fellow may have been a codependent. Not sure.
I also hid his most prized possession from him for awhile: me.
There was another that I did. Plant disinformation to make him feel foolish. I had been looking for jobs at campgrounds before I left, but most required couples. I found one that did not, but it was fairly local,and I wanted to be far away. Then I noticed what kind of camp it was. I went home, went back to the website, printed the application, went back to the library,spoofed an email, went home, printed it out and deleted it, but did not clear history.
I would have loved to see the look on his face when he arrived at the naturalist camp looking for me! That gave ME some thought fuel (and laughs) for quite a while! LOL
Perse, Queen of Hell,
You are freakin hilarious!
LOVEEEE IT
That is great fun to read Perse 🙂
– I hope Mr Fix-it was a fun lover 😉
He told me he intended to emigrate to Canada.
So I contacted Canadian Immigration and reported him.
Eva— He told me he intended to emigrate to Canada.
So I contacted Canadian Immigration and reported him.
^ nice. short. sweet. effective.
I wouldn’t name it as a “retaliation” (because that term supposes to get some form of satisfaction), but it is an indifference. Yes, it wounds the Narc, but it isn’t my ultimate goal. I protect myself and save my own internal world. Instinct.
If the Narc, for example, would continue to complicate my life (really complicate), I would find various professionals, who know how to resolve my problem quickly and in the most effective way. But, again, it isn’t a retaliation, it is a self-protection. Nothing personal.
So, I’ve answered “No such retaliation”.
I read hg’s book ‘revenge’ but i could not carry out any of the suggestions.
I read and read and i tried to understand. Then, i forgave him.
P.s. i am not judging anyone who did not forgive. It is ur path to take. Only u know what u have endured.
It is not for everybody Jenna and to recognise it is not for you is important in itself.
Hi hg,
When i stated “I read and read and i tried to understand”, i meant understand why he does what he does. And i finally understood – it has to do w his childhood trauma. I was not referring to the book.
The book, i understood very well. It was so excellently written and the pillars categorized according to each type of narcissist. I read the entire book in one sitting. I cud not stop reading.
The suggestions therein are absolutely fitting becoz nobody wud have thought that whatever one does, it must b done without emotion. It was a big eye opener for me. The info is unmatched, surprsing, startling.
I decided not to go ahead with it becoz while i was reading the book, i was also reading the blog. U had some articles abt ur sessions w the good docs, and abt matrinarc frm hell. I felt sad, so v sad.
U realize, u tell us to go nc, but at the same time, u write abt ur childhood, feeling empty, etc. It breaks my heart to read it. It makes nc so difficult.
I am on day 9 nc btw.
Jenna
IMO forgiving is harder to do when hurt deeply, it is easier to hold onto the anger and desire revenge.
I don’t see you have an issue with forgiveness, you have an issue with letting go. IMO you will do anything including lie to yourself then face this to stay within your known comfort zone. This is ok because this is your path and your choice on how you will walk it.
Twilight
Wise words
Hi twilight,
I certainly have an issue w letting go. That is without a doubt.
Do u mean lie to myself regarding the abuse?
After being on the blog, i realized the abuse was not so bad. No physical, financial, or verbal violence, no impregnation, no kids involved. Just alot of future faking, deflection, silence. He stopped the future faking when i explained to him how much it hurts me. He has not future faked in the last 2 yrs.
Regarding the casual sex websites, i decided to forgive him becoz 1)he did it after i was no longer ipps, 2)he admitted it was wrong, 3)he deleted them, 4)he is no longer pursuing it (i was spying on him online), and 5)he is trying to change.
I still went nc tho, last wk, becoz he was being too quiet and secretive, and i did not like the way the friendship was going.
Jenna
As soon as ones emotional thinking kicks in one will lie to themselves to keep from looking at what is logical and true.
To be brutally honest with oneself is the hardest thing to do. To do so is freeing from the chains we place upon ourselves.
This goes for both Empathic, empathising, normal and those of HGs kind.
To step out of what is comfortable into what is uncomfortable is when growth and healing happens.
Jenna
Regarding the casual sex websites, i decided to forgive him becoz 1)he did it after i was no longer ipps, 2)he admitted it was wrong, 3)he deleted them, 4)he is no longer pursuing it (i was spying on him online), and 5)he is trying to change.
You admitted you were not his IPPS and was spying on him do you know why you were behaving in this manner?
Hi twilight,
I was his ipps b4 that.
Since he wanted to remain friends, I needed to know the truth – if he was really trying to change. Because if he is not, i did not even wish to be friends w such a person. That is why i spied.
Jenna
I understood you were his IPPS before this
I understand he wanted to be friends
Who was the one who wanted change (in behavior) you or him?
Hi twilight,
It was him who wanted to change. He felt like he was sinning.
More manipulation.
Oh.
Ty hg.
Likewise Jenna, trouble letting go, even when I know he has a new IPPS, that he is not trustworthy, etc. That’s the addiction.
Same as with you, no impregnation, word, he’s had the snip but use to ask me often about wanting children, no abuse physical or verbal, but plenty of future faking, and deflecting.
Ank,
I am assuming u were w an mmrn (middle mid-range narc). They r skilled in showing kindness, politeness, respect. What they fail at, is being monogamous. That is why they are not worthy of being an intimate partner. I wud cut it off.
Hi twilight…i hope you dont mind me chiming in. I agree with your post. Im very much like jenna so i can really relate to her fear of letting go. My situations similiar in that its not been so obvious the abuse as others stories on here. Its damn hard to let go when you see and experience a lot of their supposed good side and they cover their bad side up well.
Jenna as you stated he was being secretive and not investing in the frirndship so you didnt like where it was going which imo is valid. Did you ask him why hes not been replying to you? I didnt catch all youd written. Maybe hes been busy? He may be involved too which as we know narcs usually are. Accepting that is as difficult as letting go but you are only friends now. Still he should stay in contact if its a true friendship as you want it to be but narcs im not sure can be true friends bc its always about them. They come first.
Hi narcaffair,
Ty for ur comment.
He was replying to me. He always replies to me promptly, becoz he knows it hurts me otherwise. I stopped replying to him tho. I am on nc day 11. It is not a full nc, since i did not block him. I do not want to block, since he is not mean to me, and i wanted to know if he’d reach out to me, which he did, 5x so far.
Last yr, he wanted to stay friends, and i finally agreed. But recently, he was not sharing info abt his personal life that friends share. I voiced my concern. He said he does not want to share becoz i exposed him in the past.
So i stopped replying to him. He sent me hoover texts stating that he is willing to make the friendship work, and have more meaningful conversations. I still did not reply.
Hi jenna…i wont offer you advice bc im very weak in this area. I wouldve replied but thats not good advice. Its so difficult with these types bc theyre not awful in their devaluments and m its usually under the radar. Im curious why he didnt want to share with you? If it was bc it has to do with a new source or he wanted to make you feel insecure which its backfired if thats the case. Is the friendship even worth saving if you rarely talk or share? Something to really contemplate.
Narc Affair and Jenna
Pardon me for adding my two cents. In my experience narcs just don’t share. They don’t like to share their thoughts and certainly they never like to share their weaknesses. They would much rather pretend that they didn’t have any. Since narcs like to create a facade of how they want people to think of them, the last thing they want is to share their real fears and reality with us. It’s unrealistic to expect them to share any truth with us. The very best we can expect is not to be lied to. And even that requires that we not ask many questions.
Hi narcaffair and windstorm,
(Windstorm, no pardon necessary as i always love interacting w you!)
He used to share alot with me. I knew his life ambitions, his aspirations, his preferences in many matters, all of his friends’ names, what they do for a living, his thoughts abt them, where he goes, what he did. He used to send me pics of the event he is at in real time. I used to be able to recognize everyone in the pic coz he wud share so much.
When he was depressed, he shared all of his inner feelings of worthlessness, how he ‘fakes it to make it’ and many more traits i could clearly recognize as being narc traits, frm reading the blog and hg’s books. Hg’s info is so valuable. I could easily piece everything together, having this knowledge.
After his depression subsided, he slowly stopped telling me stuff. I voiced my concerns. It is a habit of mine to tell him in detail how i’m feeling. I wasn’t interacting w him that often, maybe once a month approx.
He does not make me insecure w a new source, tho he may have one. I know he has a new remote tertiary source he met on IG. He told me abt her after my incessant questioning. He wud never mention a new appliance to me on his own becoz he knows i might react. He hates it when i react. He avoids challenge fuel like the plague.
After finding out abt her, I stopped questioning him abt any new appliances or where he goes. I am not his ipps anymore so i shud not care. Thus, for the past 2 or 3 mos, i was doing most of the talking. It was boring. It was not satisfying to me.
I have decided that either he accept my new conditions of the friendship, or we settle on something half way, or i’m done. Getting him to make a change requires alot of explaining and convincing on my part. But once he decides to make the change, he usually adheres to it, eg. future faking, blame shifting, delayed text replies completely stopped. He even texts me back promptly if he’s driving. I tell him it’s dangerous, but he is scared of losing me (my fuel) i guess. It seems frm his hoovers that he’s finally willing to settle on this one too. But i don’t know if i am willing anymore. Let’s see what happens next lol!
Windstorm,
Narchole, is exactly like that. He doesn’t share his thoughts, hardly talks about himself, and looking back the conversations were not like with others who share things about themselves and their lives. He only mentioned limit amount and only if questioned.
He definitely wishes to maintain his facade of being charming helpful, a should to cry on.
As you say the best we can expect it not to be lied to. I asked him to be honest, I don’t know if he is being honest, but I do know s he doesn’t tell me things because that way he is not lying then.
Why are you engaging with him still?
HG,
Because as NarcAffair stated, something is better than nothing at the moment, as otherwise it is too painful.
It is a rollercoaster – there are days I don’t feel affected, but then other times it all becomes painful. You probably know that.
He will leave his job soon, move away. Then it will be easier because of the distance.
One day HG, one day, he will be just a memory and there will be no feelings.
That’s good of you Jenna, don’t think I’ll be able to forgive ever, because he does what he does knowingly and without caring about the hurt and pain he cause.
Would love to take revenge, but am too chicken and besides he’s an ex high ranking policeman!
Hi ank,
I can understand why u r not able to forgive, esp since ‘he does what he does knowingly and without caring about the hurt and pain he cause’.
In my case, i see efforts of him trying to change, that too in subtle covert behaviors like blame shifting and topic change. I am sure it goes against his narcissism to change these, but he tries. He thinks b4 he texts or speaks. He doesn’t just blurt out something he will regret later. If he does, he apologizes and rephrases it. He sometimes falls back, but then tries again. I appreciate his efforts.
If ur ex is a policeman, i wud not take revenge either! It’s risky business!
Glad you are able to do that Jenna. I wonder if your narc is truly trying to change.
Narchole has apologised, but I’m not sure that he is really that concerned or bothered about how he has affected me or his wife. I think with him he has a great sense of entitlement do do as he pleases and does not have much of a conscience.
False contrition.
Yes that’s what I think too HG. Make us feel sorry for them and forgive them.
Hi ank,
“Narchole has apologised, but I’m not sure that he is really that concerned or bothered about how he has affected me or his wife.”
It is a fake apology. He is not concerned abt how he has affected u or his wife. They apologize becoz they know it is the societal norm.
My nex apologizes so much, that it is laughable. He apologizes for stuff that doesn’t need apology!😅
It clearly shows that they apologize becoz they know they’re supposed to, but they don’t really understand for what they need apologize and for what they need not apologize.
He even told me once “i’m tired of apologizing to u” to which i replied “u don’t need to. I don’t want an apology, esp for stuff that doesn’t even need an apology”. He became quiet after that. Typical cowardly mid range behavior!
There was no retaliation. I piss him of simply being indifferent or arguing without producing any fuel. It drives him mad.
Hashtag goals
Never show them that they matter.
People can’t stand to think that they didn’t/don’t matter.
You could be dying inside…crying your eyes out. They will never know how you are feeling or what you are doing.
I mean, if you can’t help yourself wait until a nice amount of time has passed and then strike lol – never in an obvious and overt way – never in a way that they know it’s you. Then skip off into the sunset and continue to rebuild your life. Lmao.
Hi Dr. HQ… silence is definitely golden and youre so right it kills them to think they dont matter. Narcissists do it so often to victims diminishing them but when the tables are turned they shrivel up inside if they no longer matter or hold any power. I liked the skipping off into the sunset part lol
Yep this is what I did, never cried in front of him or react by shouting, ranting etc. Don’t think he expected that
ANK,
Oh, they never do lol!
HG,
why don’t I see any mention of sarcasm? My narcs positively hate it when it is directed at themselves and in my opinion it hardly ever fails (those who “speak it as a second language”, obviously, and the only fuel you get from it is mockery, so not an invigorating one I would say).
Cheers!
I wouldn’t regard being sarcastic as amounting to a major act of retaliation hence not included SN, but you are correct if delivered correctly it will wound.
Really really wanted to do all of these things… thought about them in lengthy detail… but no poking the bear for me.
Well resisted.
Rachel….
Yeah poking bears is not very wise! And could be very dangerous! 🐻….now I will say in my mind…oh that is a whole other story! Like fantasy of him falling down some stairs! Or getting hit by a bus! Lol but afterwards I always felt bad for fantasizing on such things! Two wrongs don’t make a right!
I’m afraid I lost the plot and went absolutely mental. Smashed his telly, sprinkled tumeric over his white carpets, took all his paintings off the wall took them outside and poured his vintage red wine over the lots of them, scribbled on all his walls ‘pig, wanker, cheat’ etc. Tipped loads of stuff over and generally made a huge mess he had to clean up.
As I left I turned the fridge and freezer off and made sure the central heating was on high as I knew this would particularly piss him off as he was a complete tight wad. Obviously it backfired massively as he reported me to the police and I was cautioned for criminal damage and had to pay him. I did tell the police what had happened though and they believed me.
We had a bit of a laugh in the interview as I had to prove I had paid him and I had to show my bank statements. I’d used the references ‘Lying, cheating, bastard’ and ‘cash payment for building work’ as he works cash in hand as a builder and I had threatened to report him to the tax man. I threw in the names of the women as references as well for good measure. All of this would have shown up on his bank statements.
I couldn’t remember everything I’d done (I got very drunk on his wine collection when I found out he was screwing FOUR women behind my back) but the Sergeant asked me whether I’d put an opened tin of fruit salad in his washing machine. My solicitor told me to say ‘no comment’.
I wouldn’t recommend it as even as it was totally out of character I played into his hands and looked totally unhinged. Not to mention the expense. The police gave me a DVD remote control I’d left behind and passed on a message asking for his jacket back. I understand this was a hoover as it was a second hand piece of shit that he didn’t need.
I’m not proud of it but he pushed me to my absolute limit with his mind games and deception and I just completely lost control.
Honest disclosure Sally, paints quite a picture, thanks for sharing that.
hahahaha…. your my hero!
Sally
The turmeric was an excellent idea!
K,
I agree! Only a woman would think of that one!
Sally, you’re the best! You’re my hero too.
Sally, you made my day. I wish I had your nerve and way with words.
Good on you Sally.
Sally….!!!!! Hats OFF.TO.YOU!!! Legend 🙌🙌
@Sally – It’s normal for us to not feel proud of our behaviour in the aftermath and to lose complete control. N/S types love for us to feel Shame for reacting and the more over the top we go, the more they love it. After all, it ‘proves’ how mentally unstable, psycho, bitter, jealous…. oh and probably bi-polar – we are. I too went into overdrive and I too wasn’t proud of my behavior. I felt deep Shame as I never thought I would do that to another human being. I logged into the ex N/S’s Linked-In account (easy password, as he used that password for amazon) and changed his profile picture to one where he had a glass of wine in his hand with only his ‘I’m sexy and I know it’ underpants. I was tempted to sign him up for something like easywhores.com or ladyboys.com (as was his fetish – ladbyboys) but as he knew where I lived, and having been threatened with the police already for ‘harassment texts’ (texts in which I sought answers and closure) I decided to leave it. What helped me to stop feeling ‘shame’ for my reactive behaviour was to understand Shame Shields. That’s when I realised that what I was feeling wasn’t Shame but Guilt (Guilt is behaviour) and Embarrassment. It is said that Behaviour speaks volumes and it does. They will never change their behaviour, as you know, and nowadays, if I feel my behaviour changing for the worst, I cut cords from anyone who remotely feels toxic, even if they’re not full-blown N/S types. We learn, grow and upgrade eh? Kudos to you!
I’m afraid I lost the plot and went absolutely mental.
^ love that sally, never heard:
“lost the plot” before. fab!
Exposed him at work, which led to an investigation of his actions & loss of his career (he had to sign A 2-year non-compete).
Physically assaulted him, but lied & said he assaulted me first & he went to jail – all charges dropped on both sides.
Exposed to his late wife’s family (she committed suicide) that he had been cheating on her for 15 months and had told her he wanted a divorce & was taking the kids the night she killed herself because he told them he felt it was her “shame” over her horrible spending habits that led to her suicide and then went about maligning her to her parents and sister.
He baked a lovely chocolate cake for his “anniversary” with said late wife in our second year of marriage and told me I couldn’t have any. So after a couple of pieces were ate, I “enhanced” the frosting with a slight bit of his dog’s shit.
I didn’t do this.. it was all Karma.. but while we were separated he went paintballing with his son and apparently laid in some grassy area that contained chiggers or sand fleas. He now has all these hideous scars on his torso, upper thighs & shoulders from the bites. I was going to give him a last go back in Sept because he drove my furniture from VA to MO.
Then he took his clothes off & I accused him of having scabies and wouldn’t touch him or let him in my bed. He was crushed at first but within an hour, once he realized I was serious, became enraged.
He left for VA (as planned) the next am and I haven’t seen him since. LOL
Forgot one… poured out his beloved bottle of Elijah Craig Bourbon valued at about $800. Was given to him when he retired from the Navy.
Boo fk’n Hoo
Oh.. and as far as hitting him.. I had been on the receiving end many times. That was just the first time I struck first.
HKGirl
Awesome!!!
Dog shit frosting .. CLASS !!!!! Hhahaha.. Loved it ,,
I think we need a fantasy revenge thread where we can post what wed like to do but wouldnt necessarily do.
My fantasy revenge would be to get a blow up sex doll and fill it with helium and attach it to his car lol
Excellent Idea Narcaffair. Could be so cathartic and therapeutic.
I sometimes visualise it in my head. Feels good. For a while.
Ty Ank it is like a therapy in its own right lol
My fantasy revenge is to make him live with me, never show his cold fury, always show cognitive empathy, and have no other intimate appliances. He wud die!
Or…
my fantasy revenge is to send him to the uk, for a personal malevolent consult w hg tudor, where hg tells him to his face, that he is only mid-range, and questions him as to why he uses cowardly silence and avoidance as his main weapon. Nex might just lash out and… become silent! 😂
Oooh midranger reality check bootcamp with HG. I like that idea!
Catlady,
Someone wrote in their letter that their ex is not even good at being a narc, becoz he is only a mid-ranger. I loved that!
(Sorry i can’t remember who it was. If u r here, pls come fwd and take a bow!)
Yes I saw it on YouTube vs the blog (easier to listen when prepping for work vs reading) I think it was “the Dr” if I recall correctly. I totally agreed. But that’s their war game is being so pathetically inconspicuous and appearing so harmless they infiltrate stronger women’s or extremely codependent persons lives depending on if the want to play hero or be taken care of I think. He was bored of extreme submissive types, but apparently thought I’d wait forever on a promise he’d never follow through with and the cover up of being completely spineless and weak underneath it all. Idk that borders delusional imho
Tell me more about undesirable websites. Now that sounds good…!
I helped him relocate away from me to another country under the guise that I would join him and now he cannot come back. He is a master manipulator but my background plans worked better than his without issue.
YAY SNIGLET!!!!! I helped him relocate away from me to another country under the guise that I would join him and now he cannot come back.
^ well done.
Thank you Tappan Zee. The country he is unable to return to is his own great motherland. Physically it is an effective NC method for me.
Love it! 🙂 You win. 😉
wow… I did that too!
I had him move to Mexico and I never joined him. He did have a great time though. Mexico has better food than in the US so he was looking super healthy and fit. He really seemed to enjoy the country. Since latin people are so passionate he was probably loving all the emotions LOL… I remember he would say a lot: “I love how Mexico makes me feel”
He was the first narc I realized was a narc. I have been no contact since 2015 a few months after he left for Mexico.
The hairloss acene from the movie the other woman…
https://youtu.be/nVfw5LNliWs
Lol i think im getting too much satisfaction from all these posts 😄
Watched that a few weeks ago. If only Narchole would suffer the same fate.
Best thing would be if his dick dropped off.
Listen, a little nair in someone’s shampoo – harmless right? Lmao..
I mean… hair does grow back lol.
😂😂😂😂
Omg, if only I still had access!!!! That is brilliant!
Did that…..what made it funny thou it wasn’t intentional
I know you asked….if there was an act of retaliation….but I just wanted to reply because when I read this….it made me realize that I did not ever have any acts of retaliation….and not to make myself sound all good….I am not like that at all!
Fair play to you.
Yes and I fear retaliation myself….I would never dare cross him or seek revenge. No way!