Seven Lies For Seven Others
The lies we tell with reference to other people.
- She is just a friend
Oh no she is not. Whilst it is entirely the case that we will have friends, both in the inner and outer circles who are of the opposite sex, you should be aware that whilst that may be their current status, in terms of their ability to provide us with fuel, they once had a different status. The key word here is “just”. We say this to emphasise that this person is a friend and nothing more so don’t think you can pin any blame on us. The reality is that this person was once an intimate partner and has been demoted to a friend but is very much still in play. We keep them hanging on in the hope that they believe they will be reinstated and thus they keep providing us with fuel. Secondly, she will be used to triangulate with you both now as friend v you as intimate partner and later as reinstated intimate partner v you as discarded intimate partner. She will be keen to usurp you because she wants us again. She wants the golden period again. She is the competition and we encourage it.
- She’s just a friend, again.
Look who is back? Actually she is not, she is someone else but she fits in the mould of being described as “just a friend” to you in order to deflect those accusing looks you are giving us. Once again this person will be an inner or outer circle friends, maybe “just” an acquaintance but we have plans for her. This is your replacement who we are busy seducing, as we once did with you. This is the person who will be providing us with fresh and invigorating fuel after we have cast you down from your pedestal. It is coming, believe me. This is the competition. Again.
- I am so proud of my son/daughter
I am a high achiever and I expect my children to follow in my foot-steps, after all, they are just a part of me, extensions of me and I expect them to do as I desire, rather than find their own way in life. I will push them to succeed at school, in sports, with music and so forth because their achievements are actually my achievements. My son graduated with honours; he gets his brains from me. My daughter won the county athletic championships; I was always an excellent runner. Those achievements are down to me and I will take all of the credit for them , pulling the spotlight away from them and onto me where it belongs. I am not proud of them at all. I am proud of myself.
- She abused me
Your predecessor was a horrible person. I did everything that I could for her. Everything. I gave my all for our relationship and how was I repaid? Lies, control and abuse. She stopped me seeing my friends, stole money from me, told lies to my boss so I lost my job, hit me and made my life an absolute misery. I escaped her and she came after me because she cannot ever let me go. She will always want to cause me problems. She seems to thrive on it. There is clearly something very wrong with her since she behaves in this way. If you ever meet her, watch out, she will tell you all manner of lies about me. Don’t believe anything she says, she is evil, pure evil.
Did I mean my ex? I was talking to myself again there.
- He is a close and personal friend
Yes that famous actor over there. Do you see him? Yes, that’s him. He is a close and personal friend of mine. I have known him for years. He thinks I am great. We have such a great time together. Of course he is often busy so we do not see as much of one another as we would both like, but when we do, boy do we have a fantastic time. I could tell you a few stories about him, but of course I won’t, I am the model of discretion you see. We met at a film premiere some years ago, I forgot which one precisely, but we hit it off straight away. I always do with people, I am just a people person really, great at connecting with people. I know quite a few famous people to be honest but I do not like to talk about it too much. Will I go and say hello? Of course, he will be probably come over to talk to me in a minute after he has spoken to his fans. He likes to get his obligations out of the way before talking to his real friends. Let me tell you about some other famous people I am friends with whilst we are waiting.
- My family are trouble
It is a terrible fact but my family are trouble. I wish it was not the case. I wish they were more like yours. You seem to have such a good relationship with your parents and your brother. I don’t have that with mine. It is all down to jealousy you see. Terrible isn’t it? Do feel free to feel sorry for me. Good, thank you. Yes, I have always been the achiever of the family and for some reason, rather than support me and praise me for my endeavours I get nothing but insults, cold shoulders and nastiness. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, it is always the same. I get no recognition for the sacrifices I make. I get no understanding or compassion because they are all self-obsessed, too busy screaming “Look at me” to care about me. I haven’t had it easy you know? I may appear successful and brilliant but it has been a tough slog to the top and they have not helped one bit. I hate them. I know I shouldn’t say that about them but you would say the same if you had been treated the way I had. I am afraid you will have to meet them at some point, they will seem all sweetness and light at first, but don’t be fooled. They are evil underneath.
- He is a liar
Him? Oh we were once really good friends but not anymore, not after what he did to me. I lent him some money, quite a lot actually. He had hit a difficult time with his job and this meant that his bills were not being paid, at least that is what he told me. I later found out he had gambling debts and rather than use the money I lent him to clear those debts. I would not have minded to be honest, he went and gambled it away and made the debt larger. He came back with some sob story about needing the money for a medical bill and me being the caring fool I am was taken in. What did he really want it for? Oh you guessed it, more gambling. I am such an idiot but I cannot help but try and help people out. I had to say no to him after that and do you know what his response was? Rather than understand and be thankful for all the help that I have given him, he starts telling people that I am the one who owes him money. Can you believe it? That’s why I have nothing to do with him. He lies all the time so watch out as he is bound to try and turn you against me. Thank goodness I got to you first.
22 thoughts on “Seven Lies For Seven Others”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Everybody is coming out of the narc closet. Phew! There are others out there who can see the traits in themselves. What a relief.
OKay….I have slept a few hours lol and I woke up and I have a big list of narcissistic traits to list off…..as I am very self consumed most of the time….although I do analyze others quite a bit….but I cannot ignore these other signs I have of narcissism…
1. I have an innate sense of entitlement….as you can probably see…being that I have even sent you these messages when I know you charge for consultation as evidenced by the buttons that say buy an email or buy a phone call….!
2. I have an overwhelming sense of self importance….and I can be arrogant and have been called arrogant….!
3. I interrupt other people’s conversations when I talk to them….I am more interested in what I have to say then trying to even listen to them….even when I ask them for their opinion….I also interrupt others conversations that I am not involved in and seemingly take over the conversation…!
4. I like attention…..and when others are complimented in my presence….I pick up on it fast….but I can be a complimenting person myself to others…!
5. I once got jealous of my boyfriends attention to his dog….lol…,that was weird!
6. I bring attention to myself a lot! whether it’s being super comical or super insightful….which I often view myself.
7. I do not like to be told no….however I can accept it….and I have often attacked an ex over text while he was at work and couldn’t be on the phone and totally interrupted his day and emotions on several occasions as I view my needs at the moment as more important…even when he brought this to my attention….however I have reprimanded him for doing the same to me…
8. I have always had a sense as long as I can remember of being special and different from everyone else….even though I know deep down I suffer from low self esteem.
9. I had a horrible childhood! Every kind of abuse!
10. If any of my ex boyfriends or husbands….lol…I have been married and divorced 2 times…and lots of ex boyfriends….even so much as looked at other women….I became inwardly raged but didn’t always express it….super possessive….requiring a lot of attention!
11. I have taken criticisms very deeply and been highly sensitive to criticism to a wounding level….however I am quick to forgive most of the time…I do have the capacity to forgive….which I know is not narcissistic…..
And so yeah those are just a few right off the top…..and so yeah you can imagine my confusion possibly right? Thinking I am empathic and yet posses all of these other traits that are seemingly narcissistic. Also as I have mentioned I have dated several narcissists or men I believe to be narcissist….and with everyone of them…I felt a lot in common with them….as they could sense this with me as well….and to be honest I felt the deepest connections and likenesses with them then any other kind of person I have been with….I believe we truly did identify with each other on a deeper than normal level….I left all of them before they could leave me! I do not trust men in relationships at all…I view them all as cheaters! And I will say I am not a cheater ….however when they make me super mad….I have felt that it was my right to cheat as they had pushed me to do so…but that is usually at the end of the relationship and has only happens 2 times and I otherwise can and have been super loyal! So yes I have a dark side and I am only now coming to terms with it and facing up to the fact that…I myself have a lot of issues and cannot blamenit all on others…..I do have a victim complex a lot of the time and often take a victim outlook….however I am not vengeful to that….I am more sulky and withdrawn in those circumstances! Ok I’m done please don’t shoot me for these long messages against your policy. Thank you….and although I had reservations about sharing all of this and asking you what I have….I also thought to myself….well….it never hurts to try…..or ask….a lot of times I live by the motto….ask and you shall receive….or you have not because you ask not…..so in that way I am not shy….if my attempts fail…,,then it wasn’t for lack of trying. But that being said I will stop with these long messages and remain silent after this and continue to read your blogs and books as they are highly intriguing and very insightful and I will leave it at that. You are a great author and I believe you are highly intelligent. But I will stop with this now and no more I promise. I just had to attempt it….otherwise I will try to solve the mystery of these inquiries about myself on my own and by clues and piecing these pieces of the puzzle together on my own…..either way. Signing off lol….
Deepsigh—For me, and based on HG reading, I have strong narc traits which are brought to the forefront by narcs. I picture a narc I have been in relationship with (ipps) or familial and they are like a junk yard magnet against which I am powerless. They suck out behavior in me that out of that dynamic I would not engage in. I do not even recognize myself. It is not in the same blame shifting way narcs do either. I am aware and feel perplexed, agonized and flagellate. I know for me even grey rock is a herculean effort. NC is my best medicine. I want to be stronger than I am. I am not.
Also, many narcissistic behaviors are not narcissism, especially if there is no intent to harm. If there is caring, guilt, shame, etc that demonstrate a spectrum of emotions that true narcs are incapable of, one is not a narc.
Even the introspection to wonder, wow am I a narc is probably an indicator one is not since it is highly unlikely for them to reflect. And only greaters know what they are. And they are rare. That is my “Am I a Narc” limited breakdown. HG will have a formal response that explains it more decisively.
Lastly, as an empath and truth seeker I want reasons, answers, labels and will often look to myself to “answer” questions that I cannot otherwise come to conclusion. It is a pathological way of reasoning, I know. It gives me relief and comfort. To say or think it is me. It must be me. I can fix me. I can change me. It will effect the outcome by changing them. I know logic brain does not believe this. I am building that boat here. Now.
I’m patiently waiting, HG, for you to address Tappan Zee…. Not that a question was asked, but the thoughts expressed by TZ, I also share. I want to learn more about how the narcissist brings out the worst in us. I too see how I have narcissistic traits, and my worst fear is that I will turn into a greater resemblance of one.
For those who exhibit even more narcissistic traits than I, or for those who have NPD, I want to better understand this guilt and shame that my narcissist seemed to portray. Is it possible? Was it entirely faked or IS there a deep shame that lies deep within? Maybe for some and not others? Not possible or perhaps not always recognized?
Do we know for certain?
I too want answers TZ, but more importantly, like you, I most want to understand the reasons. It’s the why that gets me everytime. And while I’m not a fan of labels (as I have yet to find one that completely details me)… labels do help us to better understand…
It reminds of the scenario of a patient who has an ailment of which there seems to be no medical explanation… or the patient who has a rare disorder and the disease has not yet been identified. But once he/she finally gets a diagnosis, there is such relief! Even if the course of treatment remains unchanged, they’ll often say, “At least it has a name; now I don’t feel so crazy.”
So HG, your explanations help us in that way. Knowing what I’m dealing with… I now don’t feel so crazy.
You have helped me so much.
But I have more to learn. And like Tappan Zee and the others… I crave more. I need more.
So please understand my persistency, but accept my gratitude for your willingness HG… to teach me… someone who is eager but struggling to understand. Thank you for exhibiting your tenacity and patience.
TZ
Thank you for that feed back….as all of this labeling stuff can be very confusing….like Narc….lesser….mid…..Greater…..empathy….super empath…..all of these terms can just make a persons mind spin! And as I said yes recognize that there is no way I’m a full on narcissist….but I do also believe that there is some in there as I have seen myself and my behaviors and others have dealt with them as well….and narcissist do seem to be drawn to me and I to them….and to be honest….when the golden period starts with a narcissist…and he is love bombing me….better believe I am live bombing the hell out of him as well…..but yes the difference is in intentions….I am not evil…or have any ill will expectations for the one who is the object of my eye at the time….I am just super expressive and I actually feel all the ways I am communicating as well….it’s not for any motive but it can be extreme…like hyper attraction! Crazy! Anyways thank you again for that reply. And I am still trying to figure myself out….sucks to be a mystery to your own self…..much less all of the narcissist I have tried to figure out….because honestly normal people are boring in contrast to them. And I know that is a toxic way of thinking…
BKK
Like you, TZ, Deepsigh and Narc Angel, I have many narc traits and they are normal, to a certain degree. Narc traits can come to the fore as a defense mechanism by suppressing your empath traits. Your narcissist does not feel guilt and you can learn more about shame in the book Your Fault; I have not read it yet. For the most part narcissists mirror/fake everything in order to extract your fuel.
HG knows for certain how the narcissist functions, so please keep reading and you will discover all your answers. The disorder has a name and I don’t feel so crazy either, and that is a very nice feeling.
Deepsigh
For the same amount of keystrokes and the price of a manicure you could have had your answer in an email consult. Or you can keep reading (but youll always still wonder what he’d say) lol. I went through the same thoughts youre having and I thought I’d figured it out through reading but I still needed to hear what he had to say. And boy-I wasnt disappointed with the amount of information and insight offered, tailored specifically to me without making it all public and tying up the blog.
Haha, I think I just heard you utter something Narcky.
Yeah I’m more than sure you are right and I probably will eventually….out of curiosity….how does the whole email consultation go down? Meaning is it just one long email from me explaining things and then he answers me with one email? Or is it a correspondence of back and forth emails? And is there a time limit? These are just things I’m wondering about concerning the email option?
Hello DS,
1. You set out your situation in 1000 words (or obtain an additional consultation if you need to write more).
2. You ask 4 questions based on this.
3. I then answer your questions in a reply e-mail.
NarcAngel
You all talking about consults make me want one. I’d shell out the $100 for an hour, but I have no real problems to ask about! Plus I can’t get the damn dog to open a Skype account! But it seems ridiculous to fuss at him since again – I have no real problems.
Windstorm
The email option is much cheaper-like by half(ish) and if people are reluctant or intimidated for some reason by the other options, that is a great way to go about it. You can take your time to get your story and questions down exactly the way you want them. I know it looks like Im always promoting and its not to pad Tudors accounts-its because it can be so confusing if youre just coming out of the fog or are still in it and you need or want all of the answers immediately. I know I did. get no bloody commision-It is just my opinion that for a reasonable fee you can get those answers and I very much want people to have some clarity. Thats the empath in me but I dont do cuddles-I point you in the best direction for help. You dont feel you need one and I love that youre ok with that. You can just go light a fire, pull a gun on someone, or take your crazy neighbour for a ride to cope (bahahaha). For those who eschew those options one of the consult options is best.
Besides, if anyone has an orgasm from listening to him-I dont want to witness here on the blog.
Deepsigh,
You have narcmunchausen and suggestionexcitibility.
My lame attempt at humor.
Everybody has narcissistic traits, LOL
Just get a consult, you’ll not be able to make sense of the questions and answers scattered all over otherwise.
Give up fivebucks for a week or extra week between manicures or haircuts or whatevers.
And you get HGs undivided attention….
Deepsigh, I love your honesty. For me to make things clear, is to ask: Do I have empathy? Do I truly love? If the answer to these is ‘yes’, you’re not a narc. After having dealt with my last Narc and reading about narcissism, I thought I was a narc myself. My therapist said I was not. I think after being abused you’ll have more narcissistic traits. Some will disappear also. Narcs bring out the worst in you. By educating yourself, not just about narcissism, but psychology in general you can teach yourself to be a ‘better’ human being (or at least try to be). You seem to know yourself very well (although of course I can not know this for sure ;)), and that in itself is a good thing.
Hi HG….
Thank you for that information.
You are welcome.
I am so proud…..
This brought back a memory of when my husband met my father, we had been married 11 years at this time. My father was not impressed I could see the anger simmering just underneath as my husband went on and on how because of him I was able to get the grades I did in school, how because of him I was this or that. After this my Father said very little to him, yet the tone in his voice changed and that said much to me. He did not like him.
Needless to say my husband never made the impression he believed he did.
They often don’t make the favorirable impression that they think they do.
WOW!
Heard ’em.
Every. Single. One.
H.G. I’m new to this whole blog stuff….and I’ve only been reading your blog for over a week I think and I have already read like almost 3 of your books and a lot of your articles….and I am somewhat perplexed…..because I know I have a conscience and I know I have empathy and I am not ever intentionally evil and I also do not wish harm upon anyone at my hands…..however I am a bit concerned about myself to some degree concerning narcissism….,because HG….I have a lot
Of narcissist qualities….seriously….I am jealous….I am possessive….I have done that triangulation thing in dating relationships….and I just don’t understand how I can have narcissistic traits if I am an empath…..oh and I get bored eventually as well….I use to worry about myself cause I would stop liking the guy like my limit was 2 years and I was done….anyways!!!! I am currently reading your book Narcissist Seduction and man as much as I hate the woman character in it and feel empathy for the man….I see some of myself in this woman….however I do not like to lie and all that….and I do not like to hurt people on purpose….but yes I am dysfunctional in relationships to a large degree…..so yeah I’m just confused and I’m not saying you have all of the answers but…..,I just don’t see how I can identify and have characteristics with both the narcissist and the empath! It’s mind boggling and I believe there were a lot of narcissist people in my family…..anyways so as I’ve noticed your blog says in order to email you privately one must pay? Correct? Or even to talk to you one must pay? Ok well when you read this message can you possibly erase it…,I just wanted to ask you all of this but don’t know how or how to go about it….I also am very prone to guilt….so that’s how I know I really can’t be a narcissist but the other stuff hits pretty close to home…oh and also I do not like seeking revenge and I am not vengeful…..ok sorry I’ll stop now I’m sure you get the gist of my queries here….not trying to get free advice…or try and take advantage of you just not sure how all of this works. Thank you and I hope this doesn’t annoy you…I just don’t know how I could possibly ask you these things without broadcasting them to the world….ok thank you bye….oh and one more thing….when I was reading about the triggers for hoovering….I myself have been triggered by all of those things you mentioned….the 6th degree or I forgot what you called it….also I have hoovered before…..so confusing….ok now I will stop….also I know you are probably a very busy man and have tons of people asking you questions….just wondered if you could communicate with me in some way is all and I will look more into the options for concentration by paid emailnor phone call but wow I think I saw a comment that said it was like 100 dollars ? So yeah I’m curious but yeah lol sorry to ramble onike this….I promise I’m not some crazed fan trying to get to know you …I am just wondering if you have any knowledge concerning my concerns about myself and narcissism….thanks bye
Keep reading and you will find the answers to the points raised.
Am I losing my mind or is there little snow flakes falling on the page every so often? 😛
Derpy—errbody is talking about snow. i have no snow. feeling iced out. :/