Poll : How Were You Smeared?
The smear campaign.
Not the character assassination – that is to YOUR face, but with the smear campaign lies are propagated about you to your family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, the post man and the dog.
Smear campaigns vary in topic, breadth and intensity but they usually do occur . If you were not smeared you probably just did not get to hear what was being said about you. More usually, because we want you to learn about what we are saying about you, although not until it is too late for you to do anything about it, we will have concocted some untruths about you and spread them around through a variety of methods of dissemination.
Did you find out that you were being described as a drunk and an alcoholic who was downing a bottle of sauvignon blanc before lunchtime? Perhaps you learned that you had become the neighbourhood bike as ribald tales of you being gang banged on the children’s slide in the back garden did the rounds? Maybe you were told that the rumour was you had fleeced your ex-husband out of thousands and that you had gained a reputation as being a gold digger? Perhaps you found yourself being shunned by people and you realised this was because you had been smeared as being an unpleasant friend who spread gossip and behaved in a two-faced manner? Maybe you were even being labelled as a narcissist, by the narcissist?
Whatever it was and if it was more than one of the descriptions below you can choose all that are applicable before casting the vote, choose from the options below and also expand on your experience in the comments section.
Thank you for participating.
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I had a strict policy of never involving the children in ‘our’ fights.
Little did I know that when bad things were done to me , my every bad response was being told to the lieutenants, friends and family.
My ex told his psychiatric team that I was abusing him. It made me feel sick and powerless as he was the abuser. It turns out however, that my codependency can be regarded as abusive because I was enabling his dysfunction (he did not care his home, pay bills, get things done before I met him). He did manage to care for himself and had a very high paid, academic post – so he was clearly capable! Since we split up the house is back to squalor, but he tells me that he feels better than he has in a very long time, while I struggle to break this trauma bond. I guess in a way he was right – I am crazy, and codependency can be seen as abusive. But I don’t think that is what he meant.
To those of you that think you were not smeared – I bet you were. I was married 18 years and I was divorced for several years before I put the smears together. He was smart and careful. It was in retrospect of comments I did not understand at the time that put it together for me.
An honest and helpful admission SC.
Hey HG, as far as I know I haven’t been smeared but we know mutual people that knew me before I met him. Do you think that’s why? Although I’m not being naive that he hasn’t in some way to his own fuels that I’m not close with. I stay out of the limelight (social media) and am very private to do my best to lay low so he can’t prove anything just in case. Do you think that helps?
Those people might have been viewed as unlikely to respond to a smear owing to the fact that you had an established relationship. This will not necessarily stop us from trying but it is a factor which may mean smearing is less likely.
H.G, it seems quite a few of us never caught wind of smearing, or only heard of nice things being said… Why do you think that might be? Thanks if you have time to reply.
1. You did not find out about the unpleasant smearing because people did not tell you or you did not engage with those who you were smeared to.
2. You were smeared but people lied to save your feelings.
Also, HG, the smearing may not have been believed by the listeners, so they didn’t pass it on. They may have attributed it to sour grapes or his trying to make himself look good when he was in the wrong. Especially if they know both of you well and have seen examples of his negative behavior.
I’ve seen that happen several times – especially with people familiar with narcissists. Smearing is seen for the manipulation it is. In my married-in family we would say skeptically, “There’s always two sides to every story.” And the other narcs might ask, “Yeah, well what did you do to her first to make her act that way?”
Indeed.
We are a stubborn lot.
Denial runs deep.
It’s what we do.
No smear? It’s what they do.
Hurts to see our staunch refusal to accept reality, We STILL defend, deny, think we “rose above” THEIR behavior due to our goodness. We have no control people. IT. IS. WHO. THEY, ARE. it is what they do. yet we want to force common decency on them, owing to some influence we had/have. thankyou for diligently setting the record straight, HG.
You are welcome.
Wow that was fast, thank you!
Both points make perfect sense (especially in my case as I avoided contact with shared acquaintances and if we met I actively evaded talking about the narc in question), but I do wonder in general why a narc would not want the victim to know of the smear, or would not try to have them hear of it: wouldn’t it be an easy way to get easy fuel?
I guess maybe the narcissist might not be interested in getting more fuel from someone they have disengaged from, but I think I am missing something…
Thanks again H.G
The longer you do not know of it, the longer we have to pollute the minds of others so that the smear sticks.
Thank you LF and HG! I had wondered EXACTLY the same thing. I cautiously doubt I’ve been smeared among our mutual friends because of the type of community it is, who I am in it and how a smear would make him look. As you say, I think I’d be tough to smear among them. I DO think he worked hard to keep me separated from them after devaluation though… worried I might damage HIS reputation. Does that seem likely?
That is a possibility, yes.
Oh, I am sure nasty things were said, it’s just I never got wind of anything. Ever. I just assume there was the smear. I haven’t heard from my ex greater, whom I think I badly wounded, in 9 years…I thought I would hear the nasty things but never did! I expected to be subjected to his fury but I wasn’t, not in any way I noticed.
As for the other narcs, all the feedback I ever heard were nice things…
Anyway, if it is normal for empaths to never hear of the smear all the better, it means less suffering and less fuel provision, so I’m happy!
As ever, thank you
Windstorm, I hadn’t noticed your comment, I am glad I did! I was always nice, friendly and kind to his friends. The only time I saw my ex greater drunk, after a challenge with some friend I think, he lost his usual icy control. I don’t recall what ignited his fury, but for the first time ever he ranted and insulted me in front of his friends, while I quietly took it. It was so bad one of them offered to drive me home (I still went home with the ex, silly me)…I think perhaps that messed up his chances of smearing me with them? I’m sure he smeared, but perhaps not with those who knew me, then. I might be wrong of course
I was crazy, psycho, abusive and controlling from past relationships. Other than that I was nice. I just couldnt get over my past. Lol, I remember he triangulated me with this girl he said was only a friend he called place phone on speaker her:” hi what you doing?” him: ” nothing at my girlfriend house. ” her: who that crazy one I thought you left her. I went nuts of course, emotionally imbalanced.
I was out for a morning run, his aunt was driving stop and motioned me to come to her car. She told me all the things he would say about me when i would ask him to leave or after arguments. She closed with I knew you were not like he described however, she did question my sanity for dealing with him.
I chose the first one , but I don’t really know if I’ve been smeared but he has called me crazy during arguments and mostly used drama queen , this has mostly happened since I no longer take any crap from him and call him out on all his ridiculous behaviour . He doesn’t have an answer to justify his behaviour so just resorts to Im a drama queen . He has also said that his sister , who is his shoulder to cry on !! Has told him someone told her that I’m Mad !! Meaning crazy presumably. I actually fully agreed with whoever this mystery person is / was that told his sister this !! I must be bloody mad to have tolerated him . It has been also hinted at by him that I could be a narcissist . None of this was mentioned when I was a door mat , it’s only been mentioned since he’s lost control .
The only good thing that’s come out of all this , is that I do truly believe he is my first and last relationship with a narcissist and I’ve learnt a lot through my dealings with him and mostly through HG and it really is the small things we need to look out for not the big obvious things that most people write about including the professionals !!
You are welcome Scarlet.
Do you mean it when you say things like “you are welcome”?
Yes, but remember who is writing it/saying it.
I do not know how I was smeared because thankfully I have been no contact with him, his family and all his friends.
This has me thinking now about my ex. As far as i know he didnt smear me but i do know he was a smearer. He smeared to me quite a few people in our circle. People he smiled and charmed up to he would cut down and tell me outrageous things about. A lot of what hed tell would be embarressing in nature and meant to shock.
His ex wife he ran thru the mud but i knew her somewhat and she was a sweet lady who had a crush on him for a few years before they married. It didnt jive. He painted the poor me story where he moved in with them and her teen girls treated him awful and how theyd bought a dog together and he had to leave it. I remember on social media her leaving a remark how he needed to feed the dog. It was evident he didnt lift a finger around the house. Basically he was mooching off her and not pulling his weight.
He painted her as the crazed control freak who ruined their marriage.
Yes he smeared many people and i watched how people mysteriously unfriended him on facebook. I notice his profile pops up then disappears, pops up, disappears and i now know its bc hes gotten himself into hot water and runs away from the scrutiny.
The fact hes smeared others makes it entirely possible he has smeared me but im not aware.
He said to me that I was a psychopath (most likely also because it had come to his attention that he knew that I (in what I thought was under confidentiality) had let close friends know that I thought he was that and I confided in them only because I was in a chock NOT because I wanted to hurt him, if only I had known all I know today and that that is a really big risk to take. As far as smearing, he would also say or write that I was a psycho bitch and this was also the way he would describe other women, as if that would be an assurance to me (because I knew already then, when he said so about other women, that he would most likely also say so about me at some point if he had not already done so), he would say that I was a stalker – this based on something that was not even remotely stalking but completely twisting a situation, and was clearly his own behavior he was projecting on to me (because I could hear from things he said that he indirectly let me know that he knew about my whereabouts and what I had done and hence I got the feeling that HE was actually stalking me but this I never confronted him with). Also I am pretty certain that I was smeared behind the back, because a few key people who would have no incentive at all coming from me, to block me or let me unfollow them, and who did just that. So the smearing was taking place behind curtains which is really scary but also very difficult to manage as a victim, because you just start to notice other people behaving differently suddenly and you have no chance of saying anything in your defense. I am very certain of smearing taking place, because of his previous accusations to me, and that he would also talk about me like that ie smear, to other people – ie. in particular to other girls IPSS who he triangulated me, and perhaps also his IPPS. Talking about it to varying degrees, to me, was his sick way of kind of ‘letting me know’. He always seemed to take a really big pleasure in giving small hints here and there about this or that and letting me in the dark, and then only later I would understand what had happened. Him being then in total control of other people, and that appears as the most important aspect for him in all situations, also when intimate or physical.
I had to deal with multiple and very public smears since I’m a public figure. During the initial devalue she was telling many people/musicians in the city I lived in that I wouldn’t have sex with her and that she was lonely and in need of a “real” man (and of course she was beautiful and better than me). As the devalue progressed into discard (and some have heard this story) and before/during her leaving me to become a prostitute, she started telling friends, fans, Social Media fans and business associates that I was senile, a pedophile,psychotic, a con artist(cookie cutter) and drank too much (I don’t drink- she does-transference), I locked her in a room and wouldn’t let her work or see anyone,I tried to abuse her and I had tried to kill her. This was mostly on Social Media that I didn’t see and to her minions (all men) who did not know the true N that she was. She also,under fake email/YouTube accounts had her prostitute “girl friends” ( she was also now lesbian to continue her quests/fuel) post videos and comments on a fake YouTube page and on my songs on YouTube accusing me of molesting my step daughter.The good thing for me is that my close friends and many in her family had all rallied around me and knew what was or had actually happened because she became a “legal courtesan” so quickly, and shut down all of her accounts and changed her name. She was unable to continue the smears because If she had everyone would have seen where she was and what she was doing. It appears that she has now been fired for a drug conviction from the brothel she worked at and had moved in with someone else (the pattern…six months having someone take care of her) and moved on at least twice…She has made contact once “to apologize” after “doing work on herself and soul searching”….uh…yea….
Goodness, Bobby! That is some serious smearing! At least she apologized, though! lol! Was the apology followed by “if” or “but”?
Seriously, though, that must have been horrible to endure. Thank goodness you had friends and family who knew the truth and could rally around and support you. Too many times the N is so genuine on the surface and so convincing that they easily suck others into their delusion. Though I’m not sure I believe in karma, it sounds like maybe she got a little of “what goes around comes around” so that’s good, I guess. She’s probably still searching for that soul, though. Glad you have managed your way through all that. Must have been horrible for you.
Thanks…it is now an interesting case study for me to learn, but as we all know….They’re the gift that keeps on giving…she even joined the Performing Rights Organization I’ve been with for 40 years saying she’s a songwriter, so she can search my song catalog…makes for great writing though…In one mouse click, I can hit 20,000 people, but the fuel she’d get from anything I would do, would be amazing so I won’t do it….she can keep looking for sources as her dark soul gets older and her plastic surgery gets older…She’s young, but getting older by the second…and she was at a very famous brothel….pretty used up after 9 months there….outer beauty doesn’t last forever, especially when the heart has no beauty…
By the way….the contact she had was a “pinger” number from LA that I didn’t know that showed up on my phone. I called it back assuming it was someone I was working with and said “Hi This is Bobby, who’s this?” at which point she said “hi it’s Angela”…I said” what do you want angela?” and she then said “I want to apologize”…I said sure…I’ll call you back…which I didn’t (Proud of myself)…so she never got to do a fake apology….and she’s blocked again…
Bobby M,
“….the contact she had was a “pinger” number from LA that I didn’t know that showed up on my phone. I called it back assuming it was someone I was working with“
Next time someone unknown wants you to call them back and you are not sure if the call is related to work, I suggest you ask a friend or someone else to do it for you. She will probably hoover you again.
Appreciated EB, but unfortunately I was in the middle of a time-sensitive Grammy campaign and I’d really didn’t have time to double check if it was a number that wasn’t associated with it. The good thing is I blew her off instantly not immediately off the phone and never called back. Yes I probably will be hoovered again at some point because she’s very good at finding me since I’m fairly easy to find.
To be a smear, though, I would think negative untruths would have to be spread.
^ untruths are negative. white lies. black lies. the point is? LIES. we are not “above” this by being good. i hope the ones who say they were never “negatively” smeared because they had no material realize, they do not need material. our smears were lies. we did not give them ugly. we did not give them bad. we did not give them skank. we gave them love, kindness, decency, et al. that we are smeared, even having done all good, hurts worse. i see a disconnect with some of the folks who think they got off scott free. no, lies and deceit? not scott free. absence of KNOWN lies and deceit? still lies and deceit. there is no win. there is no scott free. there is only free. goso. nc.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My friend’s brother, changed my words I said to him, ever so slightly, to work in his favour … sick puppy !
It affected me to start with (has lasted 20 years and still ongoing) .. now I don’t give a damn !
I said never, but only thinking about N1 (and still). I know N2 did some, but I don’t care about him or anyone in his company. N1’s mom and brother still love me (but don’t know we’re still involved in an emotional/intimate way). He’s never been outwardly mean or devalued me in horrible ways. A few snide comments, and He just goes silent. A LOT. It’s been too long… now that I finally get it, I know I should flip the switch, but it’s been a lifetime. Part of me doesn’t want to give him up because if I play the game well, I get what I want, sometimes. And sometimes that seems better than not having him at all. But part of me knows it needs to be over, too. I’m shelf/DSL and I have my own life and he will never leave his sugar momma. I just can’t make that final cut.
Never smeared.
I’m a DLS so most smears would slander himself if he tried. Other platonic smears would also have been counter productive as I was coterie lieutenant.
The only person who knew about me was/is another DLS whom he would triangulate on me. He told me she was an abusive nutter.
She found me last week, asked about him, and thanked me for treating her with kindness over the years. She said that He always spoke of me with love in his heart (no, I didn’t ask). I was polite to her, but only said I had not spoken to him in weeks.
At the time I did wonder if it was a hoover by proxy…benign/fact finding OR malign/triangulation.
Meh. I moved on.
After he said something that hurt my special needs kid, I had enough. You can say/do whatever you want to me. But my kids are so off limits to everything.
I, of course left him, right then and there. Then I became a “narcissist, slut, whore, neglectful parent, crazy, depressed, lonely (I’m an introvert ffs, being alone doesn’t make me lonely), and mostly wrong about everything in the world because he knew what was best for me and my children”. Excuse me for not trusting narc logic. Especially after what he said to my kid, which I am still to this day dealing with.
*shrug* Alright, sure, cupcake. Keep trying to check on me to make sure I’m still “sad” I gave you the boot. Oh, wait… Right. That didn’t happen. I blocked all the profiles, emails, phone numbers and everything I know about. Even though he created new ones and already tried contacting me again… Nope. You hurt my kid, go find fuel somewhere else. Shoo! He doesn’t get a millisecond more of my time or energy.
Julie,
It is inexcusable to abuse vulnerable people who cannot speak up and defend themselves and especially those with no malice or hatred – and with many attributes narcissists will never have. I am very sorry this happened to your child. It is very painful to witness such an outrageous act. He was deliberately punishing you and hurting you and your child. You did the right thing to get that piece of garbage out of your life and to protect your children from further abuse.
Thanks, E.B.
I am kicking myself for not listening to my intuition about him and staying for four years.
I’m glad he’s gone. I’d never let my children’s happiness come after my own. They were innocent parties in his game, and he wounded one. I cannot allow them to be hurt.
In his mind, I should be doing everything I can to “fix” them. I’m not going to turn them into a science experiment just to please someone who is very much replaceable. He did not like that I stood up to him and told him he’s a piece of garbage for thinking that way. They’ve already been through enough.
N hubby told people things that I didn’t know about. but would then tell them not to discuss it with me, because I have anger issues about the subject.
He would go to events and peoples houses after telling me I wasn’t invited, and when they would ask where I was, he told them I had become agoraphobic.
Narc exfriends have said to other friends I was a slut or back stabber after I would tell them off and to get the F away from me. If you dump them you’re smeared. If they dump you, you’re smeared. Meh….
As far as I know I wasn’t smeared. Where we worked he didn’t have the best reputation as being a good employee. I have a good reputation as being a hard worker and I’ve made friends with most of the people at work. I think he didn’t say anything because it would make him look bad.
Another great poll! I was not smeared by my ex narc as far as i know. My present narc weve not ended the relationship. My narc brother however was smearing me to family which is why i went no contact 11 yrs ago. I had suspicions before that though but had no proof. Him and his wife are terrible gossipers. The first time i met his wife she showed me her true colors mistakenly. We were at a horse show and she plopped herself beside me and started to tell me who slept with who, what this girl did etc. As if wed been best friends forever. Wrong move. I am not into gossiping bc if theyll gossip about someone else theyll gossip about YOU! She sensed right away by my lack of reply that i wasnt on the same page. She became very removed from me from that point on and i could tell didnt trust me bc she couldnt read me. I knew we were very different and did not hit it off. Id never been rude to her but she instantly disliked me after seeing i was not into dising people behind their backs.
Fast forward after my grandma passed away a few years later and i could tell she had been talking to my cousins about me bc they were chummy with her and quiet around me. My cousins and i had always been somewhat close. They are closer in age to her and my brother whose 7 yrs younger than me.
Then came their wedding and her relatives were again very distant and snooty. I sensed again things had been said about me. The slideshow had her family and my brother but no picture of me. I felt hurt id been left out but let it go. Again i could not prove or put my finger on any concrete evidence id been smeared. I sensed things had been said about me but had no proof.
Fast forward further to when my twins were a year or two old and an aunt of mine had been at a family get together in another part of the country. My brother and his wife were there too. She(another gossiper/pot stirrer) informed me my brother had been saying some things to family about my hubby and i painting us in an odd light. He was saying we were weird for not wanting people to drop in when they wanted. Making us seem like hermits or oddballs.
This hurt and embarressed me. I knew from what was said it had come originally from my mothers mouth and he was repeating her message. Finally i had the proof i suspected but couldnt prove. He was jealous bc wed had a lot of attention over the birth of our twins and wanted to turn them off of us. What he failed to realise is we were struggling with the diagnosis of our son being on the autism spectrum. This hurt me deeply. Id been more or less a mother to him growing up and was the one person he would call for advice and to chat with. We enjoyed each others humor and he was what i considered a friend. He was stabbing me in the back and i now knew.
I confronted my mother and she talked to him and made excuses saying my aunt had lied. I knew she hadnt lied bc the words were my mothers and he was her minion relaying her messages.
This was the point i knew i needed out and could no longer have anything to do with him and its been 11 yrs.
A year ago my stepdad informed me that my brother was open to talking to me and i just had to let him know what to apologise for and hed apologise. Wth ….seriously?? You want me to tell you what to apologise for?? I now know this to be a malign hoover. He wanted to stick the knife in one last time. I never did call him.
In my case the smearing was what led to no contact. Trust your gut. If you feel someones talking dirt about you behind your back they probably are.
A bit off topic but i was snooping on my brothers facebook the other night and came across a pic of him. Omg his stare is scary!! Psychopathic looking! Its definitely how a narcs stare is described if not psycho looking.
A few years ago hed been camping with a group of friends and had two of his young ranch( young girls) hands with him. He lent them his horse trailer to camp in. He gave them a propane heater to heat the trailer without telling them to leave a window open. The next morning they were around the fire and commented as to where the girls were. He offered to go alone to check on them at the trailer. He came back distraught and said theyd not wake up. Both girls were dead from carbon monoxide poisoning 🙁 terrible tragedy. It was all hushed up and thered been an investigation. I do half wonder if he didnt know itd happen. Hes had a sadistic side from a young age and the thought has weighed heavily on my mind. I hope im wrong. The pic i seen of him he looks so evil and his eyes dead and scary 🙁
Forgot to add during the girls funerals my brother was treated as more of a victim the tragedy than the parents themselves. He seemed to thrive on the pity and attention. Ironically one of the fathers was a police officer and when he expressed he wanted an investigation he was smeared for accusing my brother of intentionally causing the deaths. He eventually expressed remorse for questioning what had happened.
narc affair
Two dead girls, well that was eye-opening and, of course, he would be the victim at the funerals.
I was a crazy, controlling abuser.
K,
Me too. Those are the only two things I think narcissists are saying but I am sure there are many other things I do not know about and never will. People give me the ST after a smear.
E.B.
Sorry, Being smeared isn’t easy to deal with and I was shunned (ST) by my lesser mother and sister. I don’t know the half of it, either, and I considered being shunned by them a blessing in disguise. They were lessers and I hated them.
Hi K,
I am sorry to hear that your mother is a Lesser. Is your sister a Lesser too? Lesser women can be just as violent as men when their fury is ignited. Do they live next door? I cannot remember if you mentioned this in one of your comments.
You are right, K. Being shunned can be a blessing in disguise, especially if it comes from people I do not like, I do not care or I can do without. A prolonged ST, which is the same as NC, allows me to heal. But unfortunately, smears and character assassination do not take place in intimate relationships or among friends and acquaintances only. Narcissists destroy everything they can when they see you as a threat. Much of the damage they cause cannot be repaired. There are parts of my life I will never be able to rebuild.
E.B.
Yes, my mother, sister, twin brother and my father (dead) were all lessers. My family lives close by, but not next door. My MMRN’s IPPS lives next door (ever presence). You are right E.B. being shunned is like a respite for us and allows us to heal. Many of my encounters with narcissists have involved smearing and they do destroy their relationships/fuel attachments and there is NO fixing it. It is very difficult when you have lost a part of your life to this craziness, we are forced to move on and make new memories. I understand your loss/damage only too well, and it is an awful feeling.
K,
I see. It is your IPPS who lives next door. Do you think he will move out?
E.B.
He lives with his parents and I have no idea if he will move out. I am surprised he didn’t move in with my MMRN, but maybe my MMRN doesn’t want everyone to know he is now gay.
Just labelled as neurotic ‘like other members of the family – it runs in the family you see, she can’t help it, it’s part of her DNA’.
I noticed we have a pattern of empaths and narcissists in the family – the initial pairing leading to an array of offspring that fall onto the dialectic of narc/empath somewhere.
Of course the reason the neuroticism runs in the family is because of the narcissism that does, and that subsequently leads to injury of the empaths…. though the cause of the neuroticism is never highlighted, only the outcome which is blamed squarely upon the empath and their unfortunate genetic temperament.
We have a lot of narcissism in our family too. I fell on the empath side, but have learned to recognize it and stay away from it. I am always afraid one will slip through. These kind of sights help me a lot to keep things straight.
My mom has said I was abusive all my life. In the days I wasted trying to gain her approval (four decades worth) I would often offer to sit down with her and a mediator to work through our issues. Every single time she says…”I just don’t think a mediator would tolerate how abusive you are to me.”
Now, there are several obvious things wrong with that but one of them is that apparently no mediator on earth is strong enough to ask an abusive person to leave a mediation session if they are being abusive.
Poor, poor, poor mommy victim.
12345
I HATE narc mothers! They all suck.
I’m sure he told some Inner circle work colleagues I was crazy. Fortunately for me I found this site and started apply ‘the knowledge’ from HG. I made sure I looked well dressed and confident and on chance meetings with them had a happy face, even though I really felt I was falling apart. They all responded that I ‘looked really well’ in a confusing manner. Gotcha,
He also told some of the harem I was gay. Now I understand this was part of his own projection.
Okay, deep breath..
Looking back, I think my “first love”.. was a narc..
During one of our many break-up periods (because I would get back together with him, because he needed to be loved.. *smh…)
.. I was in high school..
One day, a classmate (also a snarky asshole) who went to the same gym as my ex-boyfriend, walked into English class and announced in front of everyone “hey, I hear you’ve been fucking your boss.”
I calmly got up from my desk, walked up to him, and slapped him across the face, hard, without a word.
He grabbed my wrist and said “you’d better be glad you’re a girl”
I said “you’d better mind your own business” and wrenched my wrist out of his hand, and went & sat down at my desk again.
Everyone in the class sat open-mouthed.. luckily, in high school, that just meant that I was instantly “cool” – damn, high school is a fucked up place.
No, it wasn’t true, btw… but he often accused me of that, since he knew the boss had the hots for me.
Nuit Étoilée:
(Love Van Gogh too BTW)
In learning about all these types of narcissists, I think that my 1st bf in hs was also a narc. I know you can’t technically ‘diagnose’ under the age of 18, but he’s qualify as a lesser midrange, I think.
At one point he was ‘hospitalized’ for his ‘passive aggression.’ He used to play mind games, tell me what I wanted to hear and then never follow through. Even at that young age, I became addicted to his intermittent rewards.
He hasn’t done much in his life–low end jobs, no stable relationships, no real hobbies of any merit (in my opinion), unless you count bowling, going to pool halls, gambling and darts as ‘interesting’. I rather pity him.
Bibi – I am a fan of your humor 😉 Glad we have van Gogh in common too 😉
..mine committed suicide.. (I found out years after the fact..)
He straightened up toward the end (4yrs off & on) and I couldn’t believe it (obviously a return to the golden period?) – and asked me to marry him..
“I don’t want to marry you.”
“But my mom says you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me”
“She’s right, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my life being miserable for you..”
…
I do have my limits…
Suicide? Could he have been borderline, by chance?
Re: my humor. Ha. Thanks. An acquired taste, I suppose.
Re: Van Gogh, his work grew on me overtime. As I aged I appreciated him more, and I have a soft spot for him and his brother was a saint for believing in him when no one else would.
Cutting his ear off and mailing it to a woman. No narc has ever done that for me.
It just occurred to me that HG’s silhouette bears a striking resemblance to Daniel Craig.
Oh yes, Bibi, Bond & HG seem to have a lot in common (I don’t think we’re the only ones to have noticed) 😉
I am only learning about the different disorders, and this was over 20yrs ago now.. (a lot more really but for the sake of explaining why it’s not all crystal clear in my memory).
He also once held a gun to my head bc he’d had a dream I’d cheated on him.. never did.. but he sure as hell did cheat on me… He also had a “crazy” ex… problems w his dad…
His suicide was after he’d been in the military…
Something interesting to me is.. my narc dad told me “don’t marry him.. he’s too much like me..”
Re van Gogh.. I love his work.. Have you seen the movie?
I prefer my Vesper Martini stirred.
Noted.
You probably do enough shaking w your empath snow globes on the shelf..
Do have a few Aston Martins?
Ha ha I like that.
No.
Glad you like it, wish I could take credit for the comic genius, but that was NAngel on the Bleak Midwinter post
– https://narcsite.com/2017/12/03/in-the-bleak-midwinter-2/
I liked it too.. well.. kind of..
No Aston Martin then? You prefer a Bentley or a Rolls? Or a Ferrari.. .. or maybe a Ducati?
Nuit Étoilée:
I have not seen the film, but I really want to. I always tear up when I watch this scene from Dr. Who: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubTJI_UphPk
See Vincent, everything is ok.
French ⭐️ — 100% badass!
I just would like to know if I’d qualify as a super empath…
What do you think? 😉
All of the above except for being tagged a narcissist or as diseased. He would even talk to people behind my back during and after arguments apologizing for the scene, saying that “relationships are hard, I’m sorry you had to witness that and I’ll do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen anymore”.
He really believed that he wasn’t doing anything wrong and that everyone who witnessed everything saw him as a kind, innocent person and me as the evil bitch. But they saw a lot. They knew something wasn’t right. And the minute I finally came out with him being an abuser and narcissist, it was like in the cartoons where the little lightbulb lights up over their heads.
In the worst of the messages that he sent me where he was trying to talk me into committing suicide, he pointed out that he was the one with all the friends. That he had a social life and that I had nothing. That I was a recluse and had backed myself into a corner and was all alone. I showed those messages to people. All of them. He claimed I photoshopped them. He left with only one person on his side.
I used to be a live streamer and a lot of stuff actually played out live in front of witnesses. So, people actually witnessed the crap he would do to me and how our relationship was playing out through that. That saved me a lot.
Derby be strong it is not your fault. People that matter will stand by you ! Those who don’t well are they really important?
It took some time to learn that, but you are 100% correct. And every day, I am stronger knowing that. Thank you <3
I don’t know but when he disengaged from me I guess. His harem members, friends and family started stalking me and some even started dressing like me. It just got creepy
That definitely sounds creepy, Sandra. I’m sorry that you went through that 🙁
Derby it’s ok I now view them as my fans. I must be important for them to keep spying on me
I can’t be certain I was smeared, as our friendship was so isolated and he kept me completely separate from his life. I know he would never say anything to make himself look bad.
He gaslit me in such a way to where he was acting concerned that I needed professional help and ‘needing to talk to someone’ since my moods were all over the place and I was crying non-stop.
He was so nice at this point! ‘I am really concerned…’ What?
Then when I got nasty and said some mean shit to him, he called me obsessed and told me how I never loved or cared about him.
“That’s not love,” he said.
But with him never having been a boyfriend, I have the added worry of wondering that I did demand too much. (He was gay but hid that from me.)
He always got resentful anytime I mentioned any other straight guy. He seemed to be threatened by them. Now I know because they’re not a fuel source. He got his fuel from other gays and women.
I got what I guess could be called a benign smear — he told everyone our breakup was a “mutual decision” (lie) and that we “just wanted different things.” Too right. I wanted a real relationship; he wanted fuel.
That is a good point RN. There may indeed be a benign smear used in the manner described.
HG
But would it really be a smear if negative things were not said of the ex? Everyone, narc or otherwise, will make excuses – perhaps untruthful ones. To be a smear, though, I would think negative untruths would have to be spread.
In the majority of cases you are correct WS2 it would be a negative untruth, however I would also include distorting untruths (even if not negative) within a smear as it is not providing the clear picture (which of course is what happens when the lens is smeared).
I am still being smeared, to a certain extent. The worst was the Facebook page he created under the name of a favorite literary character of mine. He filled the page with pictures of me, some that he downloaded from my FB profile and some I had sent him (upon his request) during golden periods. None of the pictures were inappropriate in any way, but he wove a pretty racy story in his BS captions and comments. Then he “friended” the smear page with his “real” profile and HE added comments to the posts. Once he had all the smut on the page, he sent friend requests to all my friends and family, including my children and my ex-husband’s family. It was lovely….
He has since taken that page down and swears he deleted all the posts, but I keep waiting for “Edmond Dantes” to be resurrected. Now he sticks with sending FB messages to my friends lying about people I’m supposedly seeing. The last story was that I was dating a married man… Hopefully he’ll get tired of it soon. I’ve asked everyone to stop telling me when he sends them messages, but they are so taken aback with his accusations that they think I “deserve to know.”
snarkandgrace
What a jerk! Sending friend requests to everyone, including your children, and lying through FB messages, how awful. I am sorry you have to put up with that crap.
P.S.
I really like Edmond, too! The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorite books.
K
If I could find an Edmond Dantes IRL!!! But I suspect he, too, developed some serious narcissism while imprisoned so maybe I’ll just keep that idealized version I have in my head and look no further for a real version of him! haha
Sadly my N has learned that my step-daughter is an empath and he messages her constantly. She believes she can talk some sense into him or at least get him to leave her dad alone (N harrasses my ex-husband ALL the time through FB. I try to get him to block, but he finds it humorous that the N is so obsessed with him…. Boys are so weird…).
I’m going to share a few of HG’s posts with my step-daughter so she can see there is no sense talking to him. Scares the crap out of me that he has his hooks in her!
I’m just now getting a bird’s eye view of just what a train wreck my life is! Jesus take the wheel!
snarkandgrace
You and me both! I would love an Edmond! It has been over four years since I last read it, but he seemed like he could be a super empath. His escape and revenge was kick ass. That story was fantastic. Sorry about your N, step-daughter and ex. Maybe it is an narc/alpha male game they are playing through FB. I hope your step-daughter reads the posts, because there is no fixing or knocking any sense into the narc’s head; it just gives them fuel and control. Narcs scare me, too. Grab the wheel and put Jesus in the co-pilot’s seat. It is high time we, empath’s, take our control back and to hell with everyone else.
I liked to say “Sure make me your own personal Jesus.” 😂😂😂
It was much easier to crucify me, name me the root of all evil to all our family and friends than to face the true nature of Himself.
I THINK something was said about me, but I genuinely don’t know what or to whom. I think my replacement IPPS probably got some story about me being crazy or needy or something, but even that is only a guess.
Yep. I suspect the same thing – new IPPS (or more assorted appliances of wide matrix…) probably could receive some story. Because I extrapolate how the narc shared such story about my predecessor with me.
But if that people are not common friends, it’s hard to detect,… and who cares then anyway))
I like his previous primary, btw. No
matter he said she’s not clever – i know now what is the real price of his words.) Even thought sometimes to befriend her and discuss narcy traits we encountered. Then decided not to threaten him by this exposition and leave in peace…
After mine deleted an intimate photo of us on FB and I confronted him, he lied to me, stating he would never have done such a thing on purpose and it must have happened by accident. He proceeded to tell a mutual friend that I was crazy and he didn’t know what I was talking about regarding the missing photo.
Per chance, it came back around to me that he told someone I got pregnant during a one-night stand with him.. Of course, this was untrue.. I actually got pregnant during my golden period when he was always at my house, day in and day out, subsuming me with his presence..
I put “I was not smeared” because I never heard of any smearing, although I was subject to character assassination by the Greater Narc. I am sure the greater did say nasty things about me, but I never heard of anything, the smear campaign (presuming there was one) never affected me…It seems logical a narc would want the empath to KNOW about the rumours, as it would lead to some fuel, but for some reason this did not happen.
The victim lesser whom I dumped during the attempt at seduction spoke highly of me as he tried to get people to convince me to return to him (I can assume he described me as heartless, of course, once he gave up), and the mid also spoke well of me, as far as I am aware.
Therefore, I was either not smeared or my ex narcs never had me know of it…By what H.G wrote, this is unusual but I have no explanation as to why this was my experience
Had the same experience as Erin, so can just add one more case to this answer. The only small detail about my case with Greater – he said “she’s too emotional, so totally imagined all the things”. And that’s all. He just moved on – similar to what is said about middle Greaters.
MRN has not smear (he was cerebral, but socially helpless), or maybe I didn’t care where and with whom he does that smearing.
I added some more friend narcs cases in my answer, however, – one was stalking and very stinky around all the common visited forums. That was Lesser perhaps. His energy was low, he was physically aggressive in previous family, and had no conscousness at all about what he is. Idealized me on the empty place at first, then, when was friendzoned, smelled so much around trying to get my negative attention…
Another interesting poll HG!
I don’t know how to answer this one because I don’t have any proof of him smearing me; I haven’t heard anything at all and I wouldn’t either, but that’s easily explained by the fact that we to a certain degree did lead separate lives when it came to friends and family. We didn’t live together and even though I met his friends they’re not friends of mine. He also isolated me early on, made me give up people close to me because of his jealousy so my friends never did like him.
With that said, I know he will have smeared me to his friends at least. He will have said the same things about me that he told me about his ex when we first met, the things he has been telling me continuously throughout our relationship to my face as well. I’m crazy, I’m hysterical, I need help, I’m constantly unfaithful and a real slut, I abused his heartfelt trust in me and I tried to control him. Probably he will also be saying that I have a drinking problem; his ex had a gambling problem, so he will go for some variety there I guess, and because he does have a drinking problem that did become an issue in our relationship he’ll want to project it on me. And I do love a glass of good wine, but I don’t consider that to be a drinking problem.
Yes. And my attorney pre-emptively struck in his closing argument. He said after hearing it all: It is the classic “it did not happen, and if it did happen it is because she is crazy….” We won. It felt like a sucker punch and I am still catching my breath. Because you never actually win with a narc. You simply stop playing the game. Which hurts. But (eventually) stops.
Hi H.G., my narcissist told me many times that I’m perfect but “heavy”
Noah, perfect but “heavy”? What did they mean? Was it like mine’s declarations that I’m “not quite impossible, but as close to impossible as it gets”?
Or his other one of “You’re high maintenance. Not in the financial way, but in the way that you require someone to put in effort that isn’t worth it…”?
Hi Derpy, he has a wife but I asked him to maintein his promises and also to see for mor time and many times… so I asked for things that bothered him.
So seems like the high maintenance comparison. I’m sorry that he thought your needs were too much. As I’m learning and trying to fix that myself, I hope that you are doing well healing from that too.
“Heavy” is probably when you are not under his control, or when you keep your boundaries. Got from my n also phrases like “what’s wrong with you?” in such cases…
I was smeared on a forum. Big time. Looking back I think it was because of the fact that I dared to confront the two leading narcs (both women) about their cyber bullying of other members on that forum.
They let their flying monkeys to their dirty work for them and it got very ugly very fast: they claimed I was verbally abusive, I threatened other members with violence, I was a thief, I was a liar etc.
I got very upset and tried to defend myself. It made me look like I was crazy though, but that off course was their purpose all along.
Now I know what to do when it happens again: don’t defend yourself and they will eventually be the ones that look like an obsessive foul.
Hello Iris,
I thought you might be interested in this article:
The Support Forum Fraud
https://narcsite.com/2017/08/09/the-support-forum-fraud/
Thanks a lot EB! Very interesting and so true.
It was very traumatic at the time. Now it makes sense though.
I remember one girl in particular. She arrived in all the topics I was writing in within seconds, so she was clearing cyber stalking me.
She didn’t participate in the discussions at all, she only dropped a nasty comment and left again.
I left that forum about a year ago, but I recently visited it shortly out of curiosity. I didn’t write anything, I only read a few topics.
Much to my surprise I saw her posting a nasty comment about me in one of the topics there, without any reason whatsoever. So she is clearly still obsessed by me, even after a year of no contact whatsoever.
I would really like to know HG: does she sound like a narcissist to you?
Highly likely Iris.
Iris,
I am glad HG’s article helped you understand why they did it. It had nothing to do with you. It does not surprise me that the girl who abused you is still talking about you, although you left the forum a year ago. Obsessed narcissists like her will criticize us and make up stories about us in a group for several months or even YEARS, even though they have not been in contact with us and there is no logical reason to do such a thing. She does it to get fuel from others and many people give her their attention because they love drama.
Correct.
For what nefarious purpose are you gathering this information HG?
LOL! I wonder about HG too! But it’s like an accident – you can’t ignore it! I would like to see his doctors write a book from their perspective. And actually I appreciate what you do HG. You remind me that we are not the same.
I’m no angel by any means .. however the things Your find out about yourself from other people are unbeleiveable !! Or am I actually all the things being said .. crazy thing is you have crap life growing up .. try to move on and get into a relationship and then the crazyness manipulating name calling starts again .. yet apparently it’s a narcisstic trait to say there family are all (nearly all) are nutters!! Yet I don’t be believe I’m that evil .. I wish I’d have had Half the fun they make out id had .. then your partner creates another life for you aswell (when in reality again I’m not angel but not all the stuff I’m being portrayed to be) .. the smear really can break your heart and make you go mad!!! What’s the best solution ignore the fuckers even family members that claim to be so innocent yet are not .. my hubby loves them though they Can all sit over a cauldron together ..
I definitely understand that, C. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. There was one day the ex was messaging me telling me how I ruined his life and my mother started in with the same crap. I had two sets of texts just having a hate party and finally messaged them both.
To him: “Here’s my mom’s number. Call or text her and you guys can hate on me together. Leave me out of it. I’m done listening to this. Don’t contact me again or I’ll report you for harassment.” and blocked the ex.
To my mom “I just gave (the ex) your number so he can call you and the two of you can talk about how much of a terrible person I am together. I don’t want to be a part of the “I hate Lori” party anymore. Thanks.”
My mother was somewhat shocked that I had put her in the same boat with my ex, but then again I’m sure she and the ex have very similar traits and she may be narc as well. I’ve rarely heard from her since and haven’t heard from him at all!
I’m surprised they’ve didn’t message each other for sympathy ..( because they were so worried because you were having a meltdown of course) thus twisting, contorting and gossiping making up stories of how great they are..and then they forever had this close bond ( with only ur best interest at heart of course ) 🙈👍👎🤐
peace ✌️ And happiness to you Lori/ Derpy
As far as I know I was not smeared, but I can imagine being called a slut to his friends. Ultimately I think in his eyes women are just whores to be used.
I am quite sure my ex thinks the same, Ank. Before I knew what narcissist meant or even thought to apply it to him, I thought he was just strongly misogynistic. Not that that’s a better thing to be labeled, but I thought I could show him that he was wrong. That we’re more than sexual beings and endure and are capable of so much more than he knew. I was so naive.
Far as I know, I was never smeared by my exhusband. My mother smeared me to her family (ungrateful, unloving daughter) and maybe other midrangers may have done, but I was never aware. I imagine I was a difficult person to smear – very quiet, goody-goody, nice to everyone. Not much ammunition for smearing.
Not much ammunition for smearing.
^ they need a pulse.
Sheesh… where to start LOL. crazy, STD, drug addict, captain save a hoe, sinner, drunk, narcissist, needy, controlling….
That was my downfall that allowed a smear campaign to even happen, Windstorm. Because I was quiet, goody-goody and nice to everyone. Because I was the “lets just keep the peace” kind of person, he was sure I wouldn’t find out or stick up for myself if I did find out. He KNEW I always took the high road because he had known me for a long time and because of that, he was sure I would just sit there, isolate myself from everyone without fighting back and he would come out on top as the good guy and I would be the evil bitch because I stealthed away after everything so it must all be true. But this time, he was so wrong. I had prepared myself for that last fight.
Derpy
If I had heard or noticed any evidence of smearing, I would have calmly responded how sad it was that his alcoholism and heavy drinking was distorting his thinking so much (which was true). I would have shown concern and worry for him and his future (which also was totally true).
Being highly intelligent and understanding me probably better than I do myself, he would have foreseen that this is how I would react to smearing and NOT wanted his drinking exposed and discussed as him being pitiful. I imagine that’s why there was no apparent smearing. One of the advantages of my exhusband being really smart and logical.
Im very sorry yours used your kindness against you.
That was my downfall that allowed a smear campaign to even happen, Windstorm. Because I was quiet, goody-goody and nice to everyone. Because I was the “lets just keep the peace” kind of person, he was sure I wouldn’t find out or stick up for myself if I did find out.
^ to think one can “not allow” a narc to do something is fool hardy. also believing we can “outgood” them by being this, that or the other. nope. instead of outstepping them by being good. or nice. or sweet. or what ever. be you.
I’m being called lazy,money grubbing and crazy. His way of trying to control me is leaving me no means of communication except through email. We’re currently separated,he moved in with his girlfriend and he wants a divorce he says, but won’t sign anything,and ignores my emails,but if he emails me,he expects a response immediately. I just want it over with,I know this is hoovering at its finest.
Lynne
I didn’t have any trouble getting my exhusband to sign papers. As far as divorces go, ours was very amicable (he was showing the world how gracious he was).
My best advice is for you to consult with HG. He insight and advice can help you come up with a good strategy. Definitely I think you need to divorce him. He doesn’t deserve you and he is just dragging you down.
Thanks. Yeah he just wants to keep me around for fuel if he runs out,I guess. I’m not playing that game with him.
If he won’t sign I think you can still ask for a court date and have him served. That will put further distance between you as well. Yours sounds a bit like mine. We had kids – but they were in high school. We still were ordered by the court take a parenting class, mine put if off until contempt charges were threatened. They will respond to the judge, eventually. Good Luck!
Windstorm,
I take it you haven’t been to his watering hole…I am sure the bartender might have some stories.😊untrue I am sure. It’s a part of who they are.
I wasn’t – or at least not to my knowledge……..