Ask the Question
You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.
“You look really well,you have lost weight.”
“That skirt really suits you.”
“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”
“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”
“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”
She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.
“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”
“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”
“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”
“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”
She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,
“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”
She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“What are you thinking?”
“Where is your mind today?”
“What’s going on upstairs?”
Repeatedly throughout the day, as we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.
All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?
One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.
“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”
I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.
After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask
“What are you thinking about”
She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?
50 thoughts on “Ask the Question”
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Oh don’t worry Narc Angel, I’m not trying to fix anyone anymore, I well beyond that point.
Everyone has their own responsibility of their own life, the victim as well as the abuser. And who says she has to stay?
I just made an observation: just because you can abuse someone doesn’t mean that you have to do it. That is a choice.
So why not try someone who is equal to you if you feel that you have to do it?
There is honour among thiefs, so at least narcs should have some code of honour too, I think.
I know she was already deeply wounded, but there is no need to try and break her beyond the point of no return.
There is no class and honour in kicking somebody who is already down.
Conversely:
There is also no need to try to fix a narcissist when he cannot or does not want to change. No class or honour in staying in an abusive relationship. The only person you can have any effect on or change is yourself. Isnt that a better focus?
Wise words Narc Angel! Thank you!
The narcissist tried to gain fuel from me yesterday. He thought it would be easy. I had been off of work because my father passed away. He saw me and could barely stop grinning. His eyes were filled with glee. He said, “I want to talk to you. Welcome back.” I was prepared to give him zero fuel. I said “Thank you” and walked away. He followed closely behind me. I got to the water fountain. Filled my water bottle and turned around. There he was. Standing about 20 feet from me acting like an excited hyena. Zero fuel again. At today’s meeting. He glared at me the way he normally does. Thank You HG I couldn’t have done it without you.
Good start, you are welcome.
HG, have you hoovered Sophie? Did she allow you to see her again? I ask because I guess the answer would indicate whether or not she has gotten any healing.
I have and she did.
I feel so sorry for Sophie! Please tell me she is healing at the moment and you haven’t pushed her to the point of no return.
Bless her heart. You should give her your book series for Christmas 🎄🎁🎄 I’m betting she’d still come back.
Hi HG…what kind of hoover was it? Just to see if she was still in your matrix and suseptible? Or did you hook up again? Im guessing a hoover to see if she was still interested. For that inject of brief fuel before ghosting again. I always thought when narcs hoovered they must have feelings for the victim but i now know its just for an ego boost quite often and reassurance theyre still in the matrix if need be.
It was benign to ascertain if she was amenable to further contact and she was.
Ty HG thats what i suspected. It reminds me of a little black book of contacts a narc relies on. In essence little security blankets. Narcs manage their contacts and maintain contact via hoovers to see if contacts are still kickin around for future fuel.
What i dont get is why a greater who thinks this girl to be brainless and void of any substance would feel the need to keep her as a potential fuel source but it does come back to me in past blogs how youd mentioned you resent having to depends on such sources of fuel but the reality is you do. That speaks volumes sadly.
Utterly horrific.
My goodness, how awful. I hope she has some good doctors of her own by now.
This girl and HG tudor are a lot the same. They are both prohibited to create an inner self. A inner self is created through connections between intellect and emotions. The more of these stored connections, the larger (more intens) the sense of self. The emotions of a persons with a lot of these connections are constantly triggered through these connections. Such a person has a high sense of self. However, there can be something(or somebody) prohibiting the forming and storing of such connections. Mostly this is done by the mother. The mother will punish the child for having a thought or emotion (that she does not want the child to have) in such a frightening way that the child wants to avoid this at all cost. (Probably most of these mothers are narcissists) The child starts to create a mechanisme inside him that will always make him feel or think like his mother wants him to, to avoid punishment. He begins to learn that it is dangerous to have a emotion or thought of his own. He can not have a self. He will create a barrier between his emotions and his intellect. This barrier can be made of guilt, shame or something else. Mostly it is in the form of a inner mother. This inner mother prevents a connection between intellect and emotion. In case of the girl above, the inner mother prevents the creating of a inner self by forbidding the girl to have her own thoughts so no thought-emotion connection can be made. So no self can be made. But everybody needs a sens of self so she tries to make an outer self by making connections between the thoughts of others and her own emotions HG Tudor does the same thing but the other way around. He also has an inner mother which he calls the monster or the creature. The creature stands in front of the place where his emotions reside. It prevends his intellect form reaching his emotions( by scaring off his intellect) so he can not create connections and so can not create a self and so he feels empty He also needs a sense of self so he also creates an outer self by creating connections between his entellect and the emotions of others. What strikes me is that HG Tudor can not see through the mask of his inner mother. He of all people. He can also not allow himself to see the inner mother of the girl above.
When an outerself is created (which HG Tudor calls ‘the construct’) it has to be defended at all cost. If it is threatened, it threatens the existens of the (outer)self which feels like an attak on the existense of the person itself. If you have an inner self, it will just be there. An outer self is never secure so it must constandly be reaffirmed( fueled).
Very insightful, Just Interested.
J.I
For the most part this is what I have gathered from his own writings.
Just Interested
Very good. I really liked what you wrote.
Hi k…did you inject “really” intentionally? 😄
narc affair,
Yes, I “really” liked this part: The mother will punish the child for having a thought or emotion (that she does not want the child to have) in such a frightening way that the child wants to avoid this at all cost.
As a child, I fought against my mother’s control even if it meant getting a beating and I feel lucky that I was able to fight back. What if I didn’t fight and I became the dreaded “lesser” narcissist…the horror!
Hi k…thats exactly it. You fought back but this girl internalized it and instead became a people pleaser to avoid conflict and be liked. Being happy and positive all the time became the facade and way of denial.
Of course i dont know her but judging from the story it seems this way.
Ive met people like this and it doesnt usually bother me. What bothers me are the constant braggers about how great their lives are and how successful they are. Im all about being happy for others but constant bragging seems very insincere. Also the negative ones that like to tear people down…no thank you ill stay away from these types.
Whenever i read this i feel sorry for sophie bc it seems like she lacked self esteem and didnt feel good about herself. Her compliments to people were a way to people please and cover up the hurt inside. She also seemed to be covering up some kind of ptsd. She wanted people to like her and was constantly trying to keep things on a positive level but in the end couldnt really be her true self. Im sure there was a lot more to her but she was afraid to open up for fear of judgement and conflict.
Sophie sounded like a sweet lady. Hopefully she got help and is with someone who brings her true self out.
I suspect she knew she couldnt be herself around a narcissist. Maybe she didnt realise what a narc was but she sensed she would be ridiculed by having an opinion or voicing her thoughts.
She has been abused a lot. I hope you did not crush her😥
” Makes you think doesn’t it?”
More than I care to.
At least you are making me remember and think about the negative.
I was telling myself last night to not be indiscriminately complimentary. Not to automatically smile at someone that I catch looking at me.
I wasn’t quite the happy go lucky fairy dust girl, more like the laid back, nobody’s perfect girl.
I did ask too many questions for him, I guess. But when he asked me questions to show it was annoying, I was thinking that he wanted to KNOW the answer. Yes, to turn it against me. To rage at me and leave. I still was trying to be even tempered.
So he would sneak back in. I would be crying, and he would sneak back in and stand there until I looked up to see him watching me! He would just nod his head yes, then turn and leave for real, just going about the rest of the day. And then the end of the day, all smiles again, he would ask how my day was for a change, and i better just say fine.
HG,
You generate a lot of negative fuel with your writings and through this site, without it be directed at you. If you were able to consume all the fuel you generate though your writings, you’d either be the most beneficent narcissist in the world or the most dangerous.
Maybe you already are, even without direct access to that fuel.
Perse
If every action has an opposite reaction
Then yes you may be denigrating her and breaking her but your also awakening her, she thinks she feels and therefore she can change..
When ready she can walk or post discard can awaken… people will always leave even in normal relationships. After a bush fire yes the forest is black and bare but after a while due to sun and water things grow back.
You really cannot break somebody its an illusion
You can feed but at the end you cannot break as their value of you deteriorates. To love is our sun and to bounce back.is our water
Those that are broken arent because of just your behaviour far deeper than that…
Also if you are thinking that your shaving cream is crap when i ask what youre thinking about
Youre a grown ass man say its shit and its ruining your perfect skin and buy a new one… and if you say it to make me spend my money on you… what i really think is hes not smart enough to do it on his own as an empath i dont always think with my heart! To assume we are pure mush is silly…..
Remember your the one with the disorder…
And this isnt a horror movie where a group of 6 become 1 hero….
You know what alot of murderers say…..its hard to kill someone is not like in movies where you stab someone and bam they fall… even if you take 20 years off someone theres always time
But i like the way you write its entertaining
Anyone who is that ‘happy’ all the time, I personally find insincere.
I knew a girl like this, actually. Picture someone about 4’10” and 80 lbs and has a voice like she’s inhaled too much helium. She was really cute to the point of looking and sounding like a doll.
In the years I knew her, everything was always about hearts and emojis. She used to tag me in cute animal pics, which was fine, since I enjoy animals, but she never once could articulate an opinion of her own.
She would share dumb memes like, ‘The greatest force in this world is that of love,’ wherein I would object and claim that something like a tsunami might have more force. She would then ‘like’ my comment and laugh at it, even if it was contrary to hers.
She would claim to enjoy writers she’s never even read because if you asked her about anything specific, she would have to go to someone else to get their opinion before she could respond. That’s because she never had any thoughts of her own, or if she did, she never articulated them.
If anyone kept asking me what I was thinking continually over and over, I would just say a non-sequitur each time:
Denim leggings.
The Carter Administration.
Somersaults.
Guys named Bernard.
Rat poison.
Glitter eye shadow.
Dead armadillos.
Plastic flowers.
Peeping Toms.
Judge Reinhold.
See? It’s fun. I am mostly good with a little bit of bad.
Bibi
Bahaha. Good to see youre still here after your critique and still fun.
Critiques can be fun too. I am always gentle with HG. LOL
I have to say I think some are imbuing too much complexity into a girl who has shown herself to be a bubblehead. She’s like cotton candy or that gum that explodes in your mouth and feels neat for about 30 seconds till you need to spit or reach for water.
The girl Sophie reminds me of is Helium Girl, who was an extreme codependent. She and I never got past shallow politeness and at one point she told me she thought we were so much alike. What? Uh, not quite.
She was in her 30s and never held a full time job, would sign up for a course and then quit halfway through. She always managed to find a guy to care for her because she was cute but she also sleeps all day and lounges about.
HG would be so bored with her after a day, unless he wanted to support someone who won’t work, sleeps all day and spends her nights crying about not being pretty enough (I heard this from one of her exes) even though she’s extremely cute. (Resembles Halle Berry in looks.)
It would make her very easy to triangulate, I guess. Extreme people pleasers as this just want to be liked by everyone. And it just gets stale. I don’t take well to them.
I also wanted to add that the girl I described above, after she learned that becoming a nurse would require some…you know…science… has since decided she wants to be a psychotherapist.
When I heard this I nearly ejaculated my wine through my nose. I can just imagine her, dressed like a doll in her little dress, with her helium voice, speaking to her patients in an office filled with hearts and emojis.
Patient: I am very depressed. I think I might want to kill myself.
Helium Girl: Aww…just be happy!!!!! (In high pitched squeal.) Here’s a cat video for you!!!!
Hi bibi….i really think people like this are people pleasers and covering up something. I dont think their intent is to annoy people and i dont think theyre void of any intelligence. I get what youre saying in your post and it does come off fake bc no ones that happy 24/7 but i think its quite often a coping mechanism to deal with something much deeper…insecurities, anxieties, pain. Its a form of denial much like narcissism is.
I meant to add that there is more to this girl bc of how she was witnessed when she was alone which looks a lot like ptsd. Trying to keep it together at all times. I dont think shes just a bubblehead. Shes suffered something in her past and id bet she had severe anxiety as well. The miss happy all the time was also a facade meant to protect what lurked underneath. Its ironic how this mirrors the mechanism of narcissism. Both are very similiar. Both are hiding something and a means of coping with the buried truth.
I liked dead armadillos and rat poison.
I wanted to add whirled peas to her list.
But I liked Judge Reinhold! (I still think you went deep for that one. Bibi. I would have never had that just off the top of my head!)
Whirled peas is a great add. See, you can have loads of fun with someone who asks ‘what are you thinking about?’
Whirled peas
Lint balls
Y2K jokes
Blue footed boobies
Cuban sandwiches
The Gin Act of 1751
8 Track Players
Malaysian bees (and their mating rituals)
Chuck Berry’s guitar pick
1960 Romanian politics
Now try putting all that in a sentence. Time for bed. Night night.
Not my kind of woman , but poor thing . She loved you more than herself and , that is the hugest mistake with one of your kind , isn’t it , HG ?
Thank you
Indeed.
It’s called Stockholm Syndrome. Not love.
Makes me feel sad that you would want to cause Sophie that anxiety and pain. I understand why. Your kind are best identified and avoided
Even though I do not like the ‘devil’s attorney’ label, the pain and anxiety were both inside her all of the time. He just made it very difficult for her to stay in denial. What a poor girl, I imagine how very wounded she was from the begining… Keeping the beast within is so hard, the inner demons are always there scratching to go out!
What a twit. No wonder you tired of her.
LOL I thought the same. I was actually empathizing with HG on this one.
This girl is deeply traumatized and not just an airhead.
I don’t understand why you’re being so patronizing. You fell for a narcs ticks too, remember?
Iris, relax lieverd :).
Almost everyone is traumatized here. Humour, jokes, irony, sarcasm.. we use it to be able to deal with the trauma.
Remember how jews make fun of the war? They do it, but only among other jews. No one else is allowed to make those kind of jokes, but jews themselves.
Although in a different context, that’s how it works here for some of us, we’re almost all victims here ourselves and this is how we deal with it. I would go nuts if someone would ask me all day, every day, “what’s on your mind?”. That doesn’t mean I can’t see the sadness of her being.
Ha ha ha….
I think you broke her spirit, which isn’t a very effective methode of pumping for fuel in the long run, as once you really break someone you can never get genuine positive fuel from her ever again.
I know because my brother in law (a greater) tried to do the same with my sister (a midrange). I think the fact that she is a narc herself saved her from this terrible outcome, but he would never get any positive fuel from her ever again. He basically ruined it for himself.
It also makes me realise to take the word “evil” in the heading very seriously. Even with the friendly snowflakes going on.
Hi iris…i think her spirit was already broke in some way and why HG targeted her.
Iris:
Just to be clear, I don’t condone some of HG’s behaviour described in this article, but more so joking that the girl resembles a wind up doll. She sounds like an extreme codependent and they tend to tolerate abuse and won’t even think about leaving. Helium Girl was this way.
I personally would not tolerate anyone breaking shit and sneaking out to see other women. That would really piss me off and the violence is very off-putting and creepy.
Perhaps that’s why I fell for a Mid-Ranger who killed with kindness and never raised his voice or showed any temper. His aggression was passive, underhanded and masked manipulation under the guise of ‘trying to be helpful’.
This is why I am interested in learning more about the Greater, because I would think that smashing dishes would be beneath one.
Good to hear Bibi.
I would not tolerate it either. Yeap, when they start breaking and throwing things, especially items in my home that i have worked very hard for i would totally flip out and go off. I have in the past. Man, people start messing around with my stuff that i have worked for my whole life, just does not sit well with me. My last boyfriend was a narcissist and sociopath. He disguarded me. Calling me all the time and yes i avoided all his calls and did not call him back. Stalking me and attempting to friend me on Facebook which i deleted. Since i did so he attempted to contact me two years later almost to the day he disguarded me and sent a secret message through Facebook. Yes, did not respond and deleted it immediately. I knew it was a Hook. I have not heard from him since his last attempt. But like HG said, never say never. He has probably set me on a shelf somewhere and at sometime in the future attempt to contact and hook me in again, but like before it won’t work because i know of his kind.