The Third Emotional Battle
When you have been discarded, you face three battles in order to secure your freedom. The first is the Emotional Battle which you always lose until you learn not fight it. The second is the Heart V Head Battle which must be fought many times until you finally overcome the powerful effects of emotion and allow your cool, hard logic to dictate. Once that battle has been won, you have managed to navigate a way through the emotional ocean and then you have reached dry land on the other side. This is where the third battle is joined. This dry land provides you with a firmer foundation and just like the discovery of the New World, boundless opportunities. You are no longer prone to the vagaries of the swelling and dramatic ocean of emotions. That is not to say that your emotions have been switched off. Far from it. Instead, the solidity of this land is a reflection of the greater control you now have over your emotions as you ally them with the logic that you have regained. No longer do you feel overwhelmed. You are not beset by anxiety. Fear does not maintain a near permanent grip on your stomach. You were repeatedly drowned as you tried to swim the emotional ocean alone in the first battle. You saw yourself swamped and capsized on numerous occasions as reach time you increased your intellect and understanding as you built larger and more seaworthy vessels until finally you navigated your war through that broiling sea of feelings and now you stand on firm, dry and solid land. Your critical thinking has increased, your sense of calm has bloomed and you have gained greater control.
You stand before a land of opportunities and this is where you are now able to make the decisions. In the previous two battles you were overwhelmed and then often on the back foot. Here, in this final battle, you have the opportunity to seize and maintain the upper hand. You have so many choices available to you now.
You may decide to build a large tower and secrete yourself inside. You have the sturdy foundation now on which to construct this edifice. You are safe and secure high up in this tower. You admit visitors but only those that you know can be trusted. Occasionally you hear a knock in the dead of night. You make your way to the balcony and look down from your towering height to see us stood outside knocking on the door and seeking admittance. You may feel the surge of those emotions once more but you have greater control now. You may call out and wave, issuing a polite greeting and no more. You may decide just to turn around and leave us to our ineffectual knocking. Either way in this battle you have seized control and you are far better equipped to make rational decisions which suit you and prevent you from being wholly governed by those turbulent emotions.
You may decide to forge ahead and seek out new adventures in this land. You meet new people and form fresh and lasting friendships, perhaps even finding someone with whom you can share intimacy and romance. As you trek through this land, gathering new friends and revisiting those who were conned into severing the ties with you, you remain vigilant for out of nowhere we might appear. We might strike, lurching through a crowd hurling insults. You are better armed this time and able to shield yourself before moving away, refusing to be drawn into responding and a war of words like you once might have done. It may be the case, as you embrace these new horizons that we appear, smiling and benign, sidling up to you and taking you by surprise. The risk always remains, for if you are abroad within this new land, you cannot place yourself behind sturdy defences. Thus, you remain exposed to ambush and approach. You remain better equipped than you were, as a consequence of your gathered learning, your increased understanding and ongoing recovery. You are in a better position to rebuff the ambush, refusing to engage and making your departure to safer ground. Sometimes you may be caught and those emotions wash about you as we try to haul you back across the sea to a time when you were alone and going under the lashing waves. This risk always remains.
You may opt to establish an estate where you do not take refuge in some tower, but instead you create a place of familiarity where everyone is known to you and you are known to them. You have your supporters in clear view and whilst you may not tread down the path less travelled in search of new territories you reduce your risk of us appearing out of nowhere. These familiar places enable you to maintain clear lines of sight so that if we do make an appearance you are able to take suitable evasive action.
This final battle takes the form of repeated skirmishes as we seek to catch you unawares and drag you back to an earlier battle where our prospects of success are maximised. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes one of our devious ploys catches you unaware and we scale your tower and appear on your balcony like that once desired Prince Charming again and your defences are breached. Other times you repel our approaches, turning your back or cutting us down with new learned techniques which force us to withdraw. You may see no action for weeks, months and even years as new reaches you that we are fighting on other fronts, seemingly content to leave you be. At least for the time being. Then out of nowhere you may reduce your vigilance and we are by your side, seeking to snake our tendrils around you once again. In this final battle you now know what to look for. When we march on to the battle field you see and take heed of the red flags which stream behind us. You have learned methods by which you can counter and neutralise our manipulations. You have established safe territories to which you might retreat if the need arises. You have fashioned your own armoury in this new land of hope and promise. You now know how you can wound us and now, exerting greater control, you do so which gives us no option but to disengage from the skirmish and skulk away to lick our wounds and regroup.
This final battle takes place in a land where the battlefield, for the first time, is more of your choosing than ours. You have better equipped to fight this battle and whilst there remains a risk of defeat and you being ensnared once again, it is far less than in the previous two battles. You are battle-hardened and those scars are worn as badges of honour as you stand tall for the first time in, well, you cannot recall when that last happened, but it has happened at last.
Thus, this is the final battle post discard. The battle that takes place on dry land. Should you overcome the first two battles, this is where you will find yourself. Now you understand where you will end up as you deal with the fallout from being discarded. Now you are aware of what will happen, what to expect and how you are in a better position to keep winning the skirmishes in this final battle. This only leaves one question remaining. How long will this final battle last?
It will continue until one of us no longer lives.
40 thoughts on “The Third Emotional Battle”
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The image of this article makes me think of the film Gravity, which may be seen as an analogy of the emotional battles.
I also like Iris’ reference to the Matrix and taking the red pill. I guess I need to train more with the Kicknarcass program. 😉
Perse, it all looks bleak in the beginning, but it’s a mindset: I refuse to see myself as a victim.
I’m so much more than that. Hell, I’m so much more than them!
HKGirl
Shhhh…don’t let HG know you broke no contact; he is cracking heads. Is this the ex who’s wife hanged herself in the garage before Christmas?
That is the one! Trust me I’m still driving from the Midwest to PA been myself up the entire route. Once the title to my car is signed I am going to bail like claim I got to go Have a tinkle in the middle of dinner and just jet!
Good Luck and let me know how it goes HKGirl.
Talk me off the ledge. I let myself be hoovered. After weeks of no contact, not yet ex used his child’s phone to call me and tell me that he finally got a job and is starting right after the first of the year. His house on the East Coast is also set to close around the same time. He begged me to meet him in the town where his new job is and go househunting. He also has to to go for the physical and drug test for the new job as a Matter of routine on Friday morning. He is the type that doesn’t take anything, not even Tylenol when he has a headache. After four years with him I sport a small pharmaceutical. He booked a B&B and I know will take me out for a nice dinner (at the Sizzler ha ha) and he’ll have a drink or two.
Tell me what a bad, bad thing crushing a couple of Xanax and his drink would be or Adderall or whatever.
I truly feel nothing for him, and I am only going so that he will sign the title to my car over to me, and so that every house he looks at he will be reminded of me being in it. And the one he ultimately purchases (which will be Friday) I will have imprinted in.
It would just be a super Duper bonus bonus if they rescinded the offer because he failed the drug test.
HKGirl,
Is the new job offer closer or further from you currently? This would decide for me whether i would want him to flunk that drug test.
Remember, part of Hoover Trigger, and Hoover Execution Criteria is proximity.
Perse
HKGirl and Perse,
Do you want your Narc to have a job to pay you child support? I would fantasize about the drugging, but leave it at that. Nothing wrong with a good fantasy!;-)
Good point Perse!
I went… and put the best details on the post.. but I didn’t drug him. 🙂 We don’t have kids together and his are in college. So it will just remain a fantasy. LOL
I did get the title to my car signed and a few.. “gifts.”
Dear HKGirl,
I want to “talk you off the ledge” What is your real reason? It sounds like excuses to me ! Your “emotional slip” is showing
Who cares about his house, job or physical???
Please don’t “crush” anything into his drink!
You’re wasting your time “being reminded in it” regarding his new house .. you won’t be because your perfume scent will be replaced with someone else’s.
If your car is in joint names, ask him to sign it over .. if he doesn’t, take him to court or write it off and buy another one.
It sounds a bit like revenge from you.
Sometimes the things you plan don’t go,as expected, especially with a narc. If you really feel nothing for him, then you won’t give a rats what he does.
Please please don’t go!
Said with all the caring in the world
💜
HG have you ever had an ex go no contact with you?
Attempt would be a better description Jackie.
Dear Mr Tudor,
I feel like Tom Hanks in “Castaway” when he made fire, regarding narcissism ….. 🔥😂
Thankyou 💪🏾
I fought a long and hard second battle and I lost. My N is dead, but I feel I can’t just accept the gift and live a normal life. I guess life is never normal after an N.
I am building walls more than bridges, and feeling like I got here by fraud more than work.
I never want to do this again, but i am operating from fear rather than confidence.
The known foe will not return, but now I see “them” everywhere.
I see them everywhere too Perse, that’s all part of our journey.
We have taken the red pill and it will take some time for us to get used to living outside the matrix.
I deal with it by making a game of it: narc spotting.
Iris
That’s a fun game! I enjoy narc-spotting too! And it has the advantage that you can play it anywhere, anytime. It’s also useful info if it’s people i’ll be interacting with again.
Iris,
Making a game of it, yes!
I was feeling a bit paranoid, as to whether I have been labeling just anyone “Narc”.
I had printed out 2 of HG articles, “Exposed”, (He just reposted the first one). I was thinking they were more for dealing face to face, but I can see where I can observe their interactions with others ie. jealousy, inattention, critisism, and dealing with servers and clerks.
Sounds fun just thinking about it! Narc Spotting!
Thanks,
Perse
Windstorm.
” It’s also useful info if it’s people i’ll be interacting with again.”
Wow! An added Bonus!
Checking them out ahead of time. Kinda like the N’s themselves do.
Thanks,
Perse
They do have a way of changing your world, don’t they? I hope you find a return of confidence and ability to use your knowledge to protect yourself and move on. I can relate in that I feel my life will never return exactly to how it was before N, but I hope it will make me smarter and stronger in the long-run. I wish you luck on your journey
Thank you, Katie.
I hope I’m getting stronger and smarter. Most days I feel like I am, but sometimes I despair at my own thoughts and actions, that even with the knowledge gathered here, would I be able to withstand a hoover from someone who knew me that well?
I don’t want to let anyone that close evr, and that’s just sad.
So, loss of trust, but a better focus on reality. At least now, i can focus on myself, instead of an N extracting all attention from me.
Yea!!!
Perse
I agree with you Perse. Somehow it feels very lonely, to know them, to see them everywhere and not being able to speak about narcissism, because nobody understands. In any conversation with friends and relatives, where for me it is obvious they are dealing with narcissists, I can’t bring up the N-word anymore, because I can see them looking at each other, thinking ‘not her and her hobby-horse again’. I can’t blame them really, because before I knew about the narcissistic personality disorder, I might have reacted likewise.
Perse, the fear and confidence.. yes I feel it like that too. I hope time will change the feeling. Take care Perse X
That is why I am here Blank, no one really understands or cares about NPD. This is the only place where I can get the help I need.
Blank and K,
Oh My Dog!!!
Yeah, you can’t really discus it with others. Even if you have mentioned narcissism in your own relationship, they don’t understand the scope of what you are saying. And right, if you point out to them the narcs they are dealing with, you are just obsessed on the subject.
And if someone had said this to me, (and it takes more than just telling you that “word” before you get it), I’d have said, “No, I’m just dealing with a toddler/adolescent/arsehole” or whatever face he was currently working with.
It’s really an ouch when I see someone else being hurt by an N, but they make all the same excuses/explanations I did.
Perse
Perse
Yup, people are clueless and do not recognize it and I have heard all the excuses, too. Thankfully we can blog about it here and everyone understands and has been through it. My heart goes out to those who are suffering in silence.
“It will continue until one of us no longer lives”
HG, this is from your point of view…very Narcissistic by the way. It does not have to exist outside of your reality.
This thought adds no value to “our” lives.
it does end. it’s “our” choice.
No it does not.
True!
“It will continue until one of us no longer lives”…
I believe this in it’s entirety.
Thanks HG, I really liked this article and the picture you put also, I’ve escaped again
You are welcome.
And what if you know what you are dealing with and stay to battle? I go from love to dislike these days very quickly. Its been a very heart wrenching time.
What’s the best revenge? No contact is not an option.
No contact is always an option, it may be a difficult one, but it is always an option.
If you have not established no contact (or as near as no contact as possible) revenge is not an option at this time as you will fail.
The type of revenge I would like is something he can’t give me. I would love for him to feel what Ive felt. Which is sad for him and for me that he cannot.
Do you think that someone can know a N and their issues and have any sort of friendship/ relationship at all beyond a superficial one? Or is it always about supply and instances of favor? This person has been abused and abandoned himself which makes it difficult for me to walk away, but for goodness sake I do want revenge. Makes me an awful person doesn’t it?
If you are a friend with a narcissist you can remain in that position and largely not experience any downside. Some friends of narcissists do, but a lot do not owing to the need to maintain the facade and the intermittent involvement.
If you have been romantically involved with a narcissist and then want to remain friends thereafter, it will not work.
Your desire for revenge is entirely understandable.
Also, I am learning quite a bit from reading here. Thankful for the insight
I appreciate the way you lay all of this out and it makes good sense in my experience. I believe, however, that there is a further step beyond all of this and that is down to the empath reaching a place where they can choose to no longer engage. I have almost reached the point where I simply have no interest or willingness to engage at all. A battle can only be waged when there are 2 combattants. I am reaching a point where I won’t engage, react or even respond and I see it like a tug of war. If one end in an encounter drops the rope, the other has nothing to pull on and the battle isn’t won or lost, it’s simply non existent. The narc then has nothing to feed off and it’s ‘game over’, terminology that I believe narcs relate to instinctively, even if the empath has to learn that there is a game even being played, and what the rules are, before they can stop engaging. In this way it is possible to beat the narc at their own ‘game’ without becoming one of them. It’s very hard work to get there but it’s beautiful, isn’t it?
Funny that this came up… I was hovered today and I blocked it but it upset the hell out of me. I was thinking it was so long ago but I still feel the sting. I am the one that got away. She still has to deal with his narc ass. Good luck
I like this one, because it isn’t about the mighty narc, but about finding solutions and seeking new opportunities.
Too long I have wasted my fixer capacities on narcs and other ungrateful people, but now I apply them to myself and to people wordy of receiving my love and ability to help them.
And only when they ask for it, so no more forcing unwanted advice down some ones throat for me, I‘ve learned my lesson.
First I tried solution 1 (self isolation): I weeded all the weed from my garden and I sat all alone in my bare garden for a while.
But it got too lonely there all by myself, so I tried solution 3 (a place of familiarity): I only interacted with people I knew for a long time and trusted completely, not my family of origin, because I went NC with them, but trusted friends and acquaintances.
That soon got boring though, so I tried solution 2 (new adventures): I started dating a man I met trough my work. A non-narc: stable, intelligent and truly nice. What a change from all the immature shenanigans of my previous narc-exes. It takes some getting used to, but I highly recommend it.
This is so true. My husband still finds things he needs out of blue just to contact me. It’s never about me or our son he just wants to see me – be in reach of me – feel my presence and the desire build up. Then he leaves.
Thank you HG xxx
For everything.