Poll : What Was Your First Christmas Like With the Narcissist?
Can you recall that first Christmas with the narcissist when you were romantically ensnared? Were you in the golden period still so it was a magical occasion of walks through a winter wonderland, saw dancing to Last Christmas by Wham, a whirl of delightful parties and exchanging thoughtful gifts next to the perfectly decked Christmas tree? Perhaps you hosted family and friends and the narcissist was a perfect host, attentive to all, playing games, entertaining and ensuring everybody including you, enjoyed themselves? Perhaps the narcissist went into Santa overdrive and blitzed you with presents?
Maybe the day started well and then descended into chaos, the facade dropping once the guests had gone? Maybe it was terrible from the outset with the narcissist remaining in bed, refusing to help you, nursing a hangover or heading straight to the bottle from the get go? Was it a day of walking on those proverbial eggshells? Were you fearful of the fury igniting as you tried your best to steer your way through the minefield? Did it erupt as the tree was pulled down, baubles thrown at your head, presents broken and the police making an appearance.
As ever you may select all that are applicable before casting your vote. If you have experienced Christmas with more than one narcissist in a romantic setting, apply votes for those additional experiences too.
Thank you for participating.
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I got a sweet enough gift that seemed special because it was heartfelt and was in a ring box. He got down on one knee as though proposing to give it to me. Then he tried to get me to go to his family’s house for their traditional Christmas dinner. Meanwhile his live in girlfriend was at home. Really wish I had a time machine to avoid that whole situation.
Wishing You dear Mr Tudor and all wonderful people here a very Merry Christmas! ✨💫
A Merry Christmas to you ABW.
My first Christmas was spent in the hospital, my son was born early in the am. Just my son and I. He was celebrating with his family. A week later he did show up to take me home…..then I had to listen to his family say my son was not his due to his blonde hair and it was soon apparent he had blue eyes, hypocrites they had blonde blue eyed children to.
Damn, it was magical. He totally charmed my entire family and was tender and amazing to me. He bought me a beautiful promise ring and the cutest puppy ever (which he even took care of and kept at his house, since I was in college)… it was times like those that made it so hard to end it a 3 years later with him.
And now he’s using a charm offensive to break my NC. I’m so screwed…
Caroline
Hang in there! Keep busy to help keep him out of ur mind. I’ll keep you in my thoughts today and send u positive energy. ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️
Thank you, kind and wise WS2…This is really throwing me, and I’m disappointed in how I handled this. I had no idea he would involve someone else, and he used them to get me on the phone. I should have hung up, but I froze…I really think he’s going to show up. It’s part of his pattern. I’m worried.
Remember Caroline? So confident and optimistic that she had this whole NC thing all wrapped up… hardly!!!
Thanks so much for replying… I need to dig deeper, clearly. 🙁 I need that positive energy too, how sweet. I’m trying to keep busy, but I’m having the hardest time concentrating.
I spent the whole day cooking with my daugthers, kind of tappas finger food, just like we usually do in my family. He sat at the table, started eating, than said “where is the turkey”. There where none. He said “are you joking, no turkey for Christmas, you’re kidding me, I’m still hungry, I eat like a man, I’m a man”. And he made me cry, making me feel that all the preparation I did for the whole day wasn’t enough because there where no turkey. Since that day, he called my Christmas meal the “fuckin’ tappas” (in French – les “criss de p’tites bouchées”), making me feel every year that I didn’t know how to do stuff correctly.
Interesting to reflect on this with JN. We were just shy of the 3 month mark in seeing each other. During December though, he had stopped texting me everyday and several times each day. I was already getting bumped to hearing from him maybe every third day. It was the beginning of that high alert on checking my phone constantly hoping to hear from him. At that point though, I was still good at the waiting game and not reaching out before he did.
By Christmas though, I had gone about 5 days not hearing from him. I had bought him a gift (small at that point) and realized I wasn’t seeing him. I figured he was avoiding the whole Christmas scene to make it seem this was not serious yet. I either returned or regifted the present. I can’t remember. On Christmas Day, I heard from him at 11:00 pm at night with a text saying “Merry Christmas Beautiful”.
Boom. That was the very first tidal wave of relief with dopamine surging through me. That first hit. And so it began…
I guess you can say for the first Christmas, I got my first Hoover. And that was not an option in the poll choices.
Ahhh this is a funny one HG. Oh the memory of it. We, that is WE, planned to start our own tradition by inviting my children and whoever else over. I was to cook the all famous Christmas dinner etc etc. BUT, on the morning of, he of course went back on his word. We argued. I stood my ground while he did what was customary of him, and that was to appease his (God)father by going there. Every year it was the same thing!! So, off he went with the ‘promise’ of being back in time. He got a lift from someone. Cant remember who. Time was ticking. HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS later, in the tHiNg walks. Bloody fuming!!!!!! Everyone got drunk at the (god)fathers, so he couldn’t get a lift home. No taxis available, the weather was like 38degs, stinking hot!!! And so he had to walk home about 20kms!!! Ohhh the karma!!! Serves him bloody right!!
I had to think hard about this. I do not remember what we did. Most likely something like one day to his parents, one day having mine over. My memory loss is severe due to all the narcissistic abuse and PTSD. What I know for sure though, is that I never ever got a present. Not for my birthday, not for mothersday, not for Christmas. So I stopped giving him presents also, after a couple of years.
I feel sorry for my sons that we could never have a good celebration of anything. Booze, that’s what it was all about, booze and mr. Narc himself. Urgh! How much I wish I’d divorced him right after he cheated on me the first time. 28 years of my life wasted. If only I’d had more self-esteem. I feel really agressive now and I feel like crying. How much I hate December and all the festivities. If there is one month that makes you feel really lonely, it’s December. I wish I was a bear, so I could hibernate all winter. Sorry for the self-pity.
I feel the same way Blank and I’m sending lots of hugs for you. I hate Christmas and I hate December. It just accentuates how lonely I am; how I can’t escape the desperate clutches of my narcissistic mother and the narcissistic love that I thought was of a lifetime. I just miss him horribly now. Instead, right now I’m seeing to the perfectly wrapped gifts laid out on my dining room table thinking about running really fast tomorrow when it’s time to celebrate Christmas here in Sweden. My mother will be on her best performance and I’ll want to hide behind the buffet. What a mess!
Hugs to you again!
Sending you love and hugs in return Catherine.
I was just looking at webcams on Google Earth in Norway and Sweden. It looks so perfect in the snow. But I know inside the houses things can be far less pretty.
I hope this Christmas will turn out for the best for you. If not, do hide behind the buffet like you said! Just do whatever you feel like doing. You are in charge, not your mother. (I’ll keep an eye on you through the webcams ;)) Merry Christmas Catherine! xx
Thanks for keeping an eye on me Blank, I managed to survive Christmas; my mother was her usual controlling self but my two lovely nieces of 10 and 6 years of age kept me busy. I hope it’ll turn out well for you too. XX
First year was the fight about the pizza.
He found out quickly how to get my reactions pumping.
Second year we were in California. He kept saying how two years is usually the end mark. I didn’t listen.
Third year we were in Florida. I thought the traveling yearly would become a wonderful playful tradition.
The last year together we were in hell. His strongest most hurtful self emerged. It was all my fault. All of whatever it was.
Just realizing i miss the narcissism. Its easier to know what one is up against even when im positive i can never win.
Its familiar. I know what to expect. Isn’t that twisted?
Just when i think im free, there’s that much more to let go of.
Merry Christmas everyone!!
My last narcissist I received nothing. I’m afraid the story is to long and boring for the blog though. I have gone through many of the listed choices with different narcissists in my life. Guess I should change my name to Fool me Many Times! 🤦🏼♀️
HG, it was the most magical Christmas of my life. He was absolutely wonderful in every way! Charming, helpful as we prepared dinner.
I think he even prepared it himself and I was the helper. As I remember, he made some fantastic fillets with cabernet sauce…delightful with the fine wines and champagne, funny, entertaining, attentive, romantic. The gift blitz was astounding and included carat stud diamond earrings, the first of many diamond jewelry gifts to come…. It was only a week later that I said something innocuous and ignited his fury for the first time…
It’s wild… this is my first narc free Christmas ever… no narc parents, no narc siblings, no narc friends….
HG, thank you.
Are you doing a live broadcast on Christmas Eve????
Peaceful.
No.
Dear Mr Tudor,
This poll doesn’t apply to me as it wasn’t “romantic” from my perspective, however, my “friend” excitedly “hand delivered” a Christmas goodie basket and card to my “family”.
He was a bit of a tightwad, so then it became more generic. Last year he said he sent me an SMS and card …. both of which I never received!
Another great poll Mr Tudor
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and all your lovely blog followers.
You all have been a wealth of information and advice… Thankyou! 🤶🏻
Going to be the first one. And then his Bday is coming. Hoover defense up!)
His sister does the family xmas eve gathering, somewhat opulent. Oh, how sweet, affectionate, loving, devoted he acted in front of them. He drank scotch all night. We get back to his place, he picks a fight and insists on silently driving me home at 5am xmas day. He goes into my bathroom, opened a bottle of skin oil (sweet almond) that I use, so it spilled when i went for it. His sister gave me a gift card… he bought a cheap microwave for my apartment because he didn’t want to stay there if I didn’t have one.
A blitz of amazing gifts:
A dress
A vacation-trip
A favourite book
A ring with a card saying:
«Of all the things that I own, nothing holds a higher price than you»
(I have never blusched so much in my life)!! And now I see the irony of his intended word-play.
On a christmas note…id like to wish everyone a very merry christmas and all the best in 2018! Christmas isnt always the best time of year for everyone but i hope youre able to find something special that makes you smile and believe in the good in this world. Narcissism is out there but so is good and that makes the good all the more valuable. Yesterday i had a guy in front of me at the coffee drivethru pay for my order and this was a message that there are truely good people out there that give without need of praise or anything in return other than the good of their action. I will in turn do some acts of good to spread even more of it. Be the change you want in this world and one by one we can make it a way better world to live in despite the bad that will always be prevalent.
HG i want to thank you for this site and all youve done with your books, blogs and utubes etc. It amazes me how you find the time to even reply on this blog like you do. The motivations for it i dont care about but its the impact it has and youve changed a lot of lives. I look back to before i started reading your material and i was somewhat knowledgable about narcissism but not near as i am now. Its on a way deeper level bc i truely know the whys behind the behaviours. Also your strategies are so helpful. The cold logic being one of them that i am trying to incorporate in my life more and more.
Its been enjoyable and the humor has made me laugh at times when i didnt feel that positive.
The narc letters were a gift and its been so healing to be able to write and share these.
Thank you for all youve done here it does not go unnoticed!
Merry christmas to everyone here and sending tons of warm hugs 🤗❤
Narc Affair
I totally agree!!! Thank you, HG! This blog is a wonderful thing for so many of us. Thank you for all your time you put into it. Merry Christmas! Hope you and all the rest of us are having a wonderful holiday season and a terrific Christmas!
And thank you NarcAffair for reminding us of our blessings and all your upbeat, helpful comments!! Merry Christmas!🎄
You are welcome, I am pleased that you and others appreciate it. Merry Christmas to you also.
Merry Christmas to you too narc affair and to all of you! Let’s go for a spectacular new time in our lives and leave all the hurt behind. And Merry Christmas HG; thank you for all the enlightening blog posts and the way you truly make a difference in our lives.
Ditto everything you wrote and Merry Christmas narc affair!
Wonderful, and I had photos of him playing santa claus for my parents neighbors 5 year old daughter. Too cute at the time….
By the first Christmas my relationship was in it’s 7’th month. Gifts galore and he was totally absent. When I begged to see him and he finally obliged, anything and everything was my fault. Needless to say, it was in this month that I became aware of the manipulation and tactics that had been used to entangle me. I spent the entire holiday feeling suicidal. I learned to dread every holiday after that for the next 8 years.
First Christmas alone…Second Christmas i didnt escape i throuhgt him away from my home. Third Christmas he run away quick .Now four Christmas he its not in my life anymore..!!
0 Contact from 6 months!! I think danger its gone..no more N in my life again..not love..not hate..not emotions anymore..
I chose waiting for the narc to cause trouble. To be honest i cant remember clearly our first christmas bc all seven years have become a meshed blur. Every christmas he flys back to LA to visit family. I do remember finding out that first year that he lied online and was portraying other personalities. I do think he wanted me to know what he was about from the get go. Possibly to put it on me if we continued i was “warned” or maybe just another narc game or maybe to assert his independance as a single man. Ill never know fully but i do know hes never been married or in a live in relationship all this time and that is a red flag. Fear of committment comes to mind. At this point i dont care his reasons are his.
Christmas time he gets in a weird mood and becomes more distant. I dont see as much of him. Were both busy with family and he keeps in constant contact but its not what id say a special time of year for us. Id have to say out of the whole year this is when i feel i walk on eggshells the most wondering if he will pull a devalue on me and ruin my christmas.
One christmas he said hed text me to say goodnight bc we chat every night but he was going to mass with family and he didnt text till noon christmas day. I was so sick with worry and also hurt. He never offered an explanation and i know he was with family. Its not difficult to send a text and knew ths to be deliberate. He does these things to upset me. Fast forward seven years later and although this would still upset me it doesnt as much but if he felt it didnt bother me hed amp up the covert abuse until it did upset me. I never let on im too comfortable with the things he does.
Bottom line is its uncertainty and always a wild card. I have no idea if he will do something to derail my christmas. I go out of my way to make him feel special but i never know whats in the cards for me. It really depends on his mood and whats going on in his narc world.
Narc Affair, my heart goes out to you for what you have been through. You seem so wise to all the narc games and are a wonderful support to the rest of us. I loved your comment regarding your narc’s status on commitment because my ex narc also was never married and never lived with a woman and those are very big red flags, but I chose to disregard them. Take care and I hope this year your holidays are wonderful.
Hi geyserempath…thats so sweet ty for your msg and i wish you a wonderful christmas season as well and all the best in 2018!
Ive been a victim to narc abuse as well but its really opened my eyes to how many out there who have had it way way worse than me. The women who married these abusers and were left completely broken and destroyed.
I guess weve all suffered in different ways. Despite my marriage issues im very lucky i never married a narcissist. Im so thankful for that!
Doesn’t apply to me, as I never dated my narc experiences. So I got all the heartache/shit with none of the blitz.
Someone please play a violin for me. 🙁
I never spent Christmas with my narc so I can’t answer this one properly. Neither of us are fond of the holidays. For me it reminds me too much of the chaotic family celebrations of my past and the demanding need to put on a fake smile and pretend you’re happy on a given day. I think it was the same for him. He grew up with a controlling, demanding father who was in all probability a narc too; so he just hated it. I always spend Christmas with my beloved nieces.
But there was lots of future faking that day. We’d been seeing each other for eleven months by then but we were still in the golden period. So he wrote me all the time; talked extensively and lengthily about this fabulous gift he’d bought me and about a trip he was going to book for us. Afterwards I never got any gift and we didn’t go on the promised trip. He just didn’t ever mention it again. I used to think he must’ve been drunk when texting me about it;)
Wow! Those choices were rough! Makes me feel greatful I never had to endure most of them.
My first Christmas with my exhusband I was 16. Like all subsequent Christmases. I got a rubbish gift and I had to do everything. He was never mean though. Never trashed anything. I remember him just being resigned to having to visit relatives and endure the Christmas traditions. Most years he would even get up, complaining of course, to see the kids open presents from Santa. I think he sees Christmas as an obligation to be endured for the facade.
‘Abso-fucking-lutely wonderful!
Last Christmas day he came home and told me he was in love with another woman. He went and spent the night with her and I left the following day. Having a hard time this year!
Hi karen…thats awful im so sorry. I hope you can find some happiness despite what happened last year. Youre so lucky to be rid of someone so heartless. Hugs
So sorry merry Christmas those men are not worth it cheers
He showed up unannounced, drunk and with an over sized 6ft stocking filled with rubbish from the hoard he kept in his moldy basement. I felt sorry for him…. I knew something about him was “off”, but continued on with him anyway, for 13 years…. subsequent Christmas Holidays became even worse and more “edgy”…. chaos, and crazy making, disappointing….sad