The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist
You know that No Contact is the key to beating the narcissist, but how does it affect the narcissist?
This Logic Bulletin explains to you what happens when you impose your No Contact Regime and how you can expect the narcissist to respond.
It covers Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists in fascinating detail.
How does the narcissist feel?
What happens if you tip-off the narcissist that you are leaving him or ending the relationship?
What happens to the narcissist if you end the relationship and say nothing?
How does the narcissist respond?
What do you need to look out for in terms of common errors which will prejudice your no contact regime and place you at risk?
What will the narcissist do by way of response, so you can ascertain how to avoid this?
The content of this Logic Bulletin will give you these answers and more so you can build your Logic Defences and understand what will happen when you impose no contact now or in the future.
16 thoughts on “The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist”
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Dear HG… In fact I ve got two questions: Does a midrang narc give you a silent treatment after having criticised him? And after having mentioned i should have worked an be with somenoe else ? Is that a typical midrange behavior? Second question: During the golden period and the seduction my narc told me he wanted to guess when i was born. He asked me if I was born in may.. Months later i saw on face book if was the month of his wife s birthday.. Why doing that ? Thank you so much dear HG. Now i feel very well.. Starting to understand .
1. It is a potential response, yes.
2. Silent Treatments are extensively used by Mid Range Narcissists.
3. Triangulation.
Ha mine followed this script almost to a T when I decided not to reengage. Pity hoovers until I mis-stepped, and now we have come full circle with me wondering what I did wrong and getting angry (fuel) and him hiding. But he has something of mine and I want it back because as long as he has it, I still feel connected to him and I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I also worry that he will smear me.
I am contemplating contacting him to get it back. I think it will be okay because he won’t know what it is until I tell him, and he is married so he cannot make too big of a stink or disappear. If I knew he wouldn’t use it, I wouldn’t bother, but I cannot be sure and I feel like it will always be hanging over my head. I think that this is a big part of what has kept me attached to him all these years.
Am I putting myself in any kind of danger, HG?
You are risking a surge of emotional thinking which MIGHT lead to further engagement with the narcissist and then through salami-slicing you are drawn back in. It depends on whether he will keep hoovering and how high your current resistance is. There is no need to risk this situation by engaging with him, get someone else to recover the property on your behalf.
Thank you, HG. I know you are right about the risk but I have to see him because I have to watch him – it involves him deleting something online. I won’t be able to be sure he’s done it unless I see him do it.
I’ve contacted him but he is away so I have to wait. I was very casual, brief and direct, did not ask him where he was and did not tell him what I wanted. Just that I needed to see him about something. He briefly tried to engage me but I found it easy enough to resist (though I still panic when I see a message from him), which means I am way stronger than I was.
Of course I won’t know until I see him but I think my own narc traits have kicked in now and my thinking has been entirely logical. I have you to thank for making such a hugely important distinction to me – I can see now that my emotional thinking has clouded all of my interactions with him. I now believe I am a super empath with superhuman powers :-).
I have already outed him, by the way. I’ve spent the past few months tracking his every move and reaction, and I laid it all out for him with dates included. I told him that in another life he could have been a serial killer. I thought he would go away after that but of course I just poured more fuel on.
I didn’t know how to handle it all before I found your site just a few short weeks ago, but I had all the pieces and now I know to be completely unemotional. I think I could even sleep with him and not care. I might do that just for the hell of it! So here’s to hoping that my pride does not come before a fall!! Hahaha.
As an aside, I think a lot of us (especially women because of the way we are socialized) do not want to acknowledge our own narcissistic traits and so we hesitate to be cold, selfish, controlling, etc thinking the other person won’t like us or we will lose them or a man will call us a bitch or whatever. A narcissist would do all of that, but of course you have explained brilliantly why this is so (no fuel). A normal person would not require one to be a narcissist for self-protection. A normal person would give and take. A normal person would be consistent. A normal person would check in that you were alright. A normal person would not pull disappearing acts in order to invade your mental space. It all makes perfect sense to me now.
In any case, you have done a great service here. A few weeks on this site has helped me more than months of therapy ever did. I cannot thank you enough.
You are most welcome, I am pleased it has proven so effective.
What about for IPSS? DLS? Is it the same for them too?
It won’t be the same echo.
1. There is, as the name suggests, only one primary source. This appliance is the provider of a major percentage of our fuel (and alongside this character traits and residual benefits and it is usually the case the primary source is the major provider of these also). If we lose the primary source it will clearly have a major impact on our world. Furthermore the fact that this person has the audacity to try to escape us (and with the Greater there is the fact it is bordering on negligence to lose the primary source) it must not be allowed to occur or if the escape commences and no contact is implemented, it must be smashed and our primary source ensnared once again. Thus our responses are the most focussed and intense for the primary source trying to escape/escaping.
2. With the IPSS if there is only one and they are a Candidate IPSS it would be unusual for the individual to escape during seduction, but if they tried there would be effort applied to secure the seduction, however if they escape it is not an issue as substantial as the IPPS. If there are Shelf IPSSs alongside the Candidate, the narcissist may promote one of those to Candidate and therefore the early escape of the Candidate IPSS is even less of a problem.
3. A Shelf IPSS. If they are on the shelf, the narcissist may not notice the escape and since occupied elsewhere may do nothing. When the narcissist seeks to bring the IPSS off the shelf and finds the hoover ineffective (or if they reach the victim and are rejected) there will be some effort applied to keep them, but if there are other Shelf IPSSs, the narcissist may try for a short while and then be malign towards the IPSS by way of punishment and then pursue alternative options. It depends on the school of narcissist and what else is occurring in the fuel matrix but generally the effort will not be as great as the primary source.
4. Shelf DLS. Similar to 3.
Okay. Thank you HG.
Does this still apply when you have been disengaged from? He didn’t seem to have any reaction at all when I told him I was going No Contact. If you’ve been disengaged from, won’t they just brush it off and seek fuel from our replacements?
No, these articles do not apply to disengagement because then of course we have no interest in bringing you back in the immediate aftermath of disengagement. There may be a hoover to do so in the future, but that is a different matter. These articles apply to where you tip us off that you are wanting to escape or you have just escaped.
Dear HG. I try to understand. So… If i told a midranger I would have chosen someone else to work with… If I tell him i d like to break up our relation… And than he goes away … Giving me a terrible silence treatment.. What does that mean ? He didn t play the pityplay you described in the article… But he went away with silence.. Why? I can say he was seeing me as a dirty littlesecret…
Hi HG!
As an IPSS or non-intimate primary source, would a lower mid-ranger or middle mid-ranger try to ruin my academic career/chance of completing my degree if I abandon him – after he says that he really needs my help with him finishing his degree? We met online during his break up with his ex and has depended on me when it comes to academic-related stuff. But I know that he is a narcissist now. So, would he do this to me if I went no contact and blocked him? I think it would certainly shock him.
HG what about when the midranger is the one that disengaged from me? My ex texted me a month after he broke up with me and I didn’t text him back. Did he notice I didn’t respond? Does that hurt him?
Depends on your position in the fuel matrix and what else is occurring within that fuel matrix.