Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery
This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.
This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.
The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.
Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.
It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.
It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.
Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.
Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.
That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.
My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.
You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-
“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”
“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”
“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”
“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”
But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.
You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?
You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?
You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.
You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.
Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.
It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.
Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.
I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.
Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.
Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.
There is just nothing there.
Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.
The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.
I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.
33 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Were here to attach and love people. I think those that cant or wont attach miss the very meaning of life. I cant imagine going thru life never forming loving attachments with people or animals. Id feel dead inside. You can have all the money in the world and fame and accomplishment but if youve not formed loving meaningful relationships youve really missed out. You cant take money or any of those things with you when you die but you can take your memories and leave an impact on those you loved.
That said, legacy can be left behind and is meaningful but still there are no loving memories or attachments which is so very empty.
I think in HG’s situation its a lot different from your typical narc situation bc he has impacted peoples lives and people do feel attached and deep gratitude. This in itself is an attachment imo. It may not be coming from a position purely of caring but i do think theres attachment.
I think individuals with npd can feel attachment but theyre very guarded with it.
Not forming attachments is a sign of deep fear. Fear of more damage emotionally.
I meant to add also not forming attachments is also a coping strategy to protect oneself.
Beautiful writing HG! This one made me cry and I needed a good cry. Are you able to feel the profound loneliness behind that wall you’ve built?
No
Good. I’m less sad now 🙂
HG,
I understand that this view of attachment as presented here is from the narcissist ‘s perspective: attachment is troublesome, unproductive and painful under their perspective.
As much as for the empaths under their perspective the need for fuel might appear troublesome ,painful and tiresome.
1. Quoting:
“Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.”
You have SEEN SOME of the effects that attachment brings to SOME people but you have not seen ALL the effects attachment has to ALL and most of all (as I understand) you have not FELT/EXPERIENCED it.
Of own experience ( of my relationships with non narcissists):
Attachment is not necessarily painful.
Attachment does not necessarily end up as painted here.
Attachment does not always lead to the loss of that which one is attached to.
Attachment is rewarding, empowering and fulfilling for some.
Is like the empath saying that the need and acquirement of fuel of the narcissist is painful, troublesome and tiresome.Argument which is invalid since the empath has not and does not feel the need for fuel.
So if we empaths understand the narcissist’s perspective :
Can you understand the empath’s perspective when we say that attachment is not painful for all and that is rewarding and fulfilling?
2. Are narcissists completely unable to attach?
3. Or do narcissists have the choice of attachment?( the ones that are aware of this).
If they do have a choice : do they choose not to attach because of fear of showing themselves as vulnerable ( being hurt, losing the upper hand , losing control, feeling “inferior”, etc)?
Hello SX,
1. It is correct I have not seen all effects. I understand the perspective you present. I have also seen the misery which attachment has brought to many people over and over again.
2. Yes. We do not know how to.
3. There is no choice because we do not know how to. It is akin to somebody who has no legs, that person cannot walk because he lacks the necessary ‘device’ to do so. He may of course obtain prosthetic legs and learn to walk that way. Whether a narcissist can learn to attach is unknown territory.
Hello HG,
Yes, I do recall you explaining to me about learning how to walk presenting this parallel.
Huge difference between being unable as to lacking the skills to do it ( that hypothetically could be learned) v.s. being unable meaning lacking completely the traits/conditions to be able to do it.
I know it is unknown territory and perhaps too scary for the narcissist ….
“Whether a narcissist can learn to attach is unknown territory.”
A narcissist can’t attach only because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t trust. He lived (still does) in a certain way and he didn’t feel how bleeding inside feels like all those years the Creature (his vulnerability) stayed locked (but you know how it felt like, that’s why you know so well how someone hurting feels and thinks). That=safe ground for him. He can’t imagine attachment because that would bring back those memories about that “seat of misery” from the time he tried, he wanted to attach and he found no person willing to do so. He fears (but he denies) that if, for once, he’ll attach, he’ll perish if that person behaves the way his mother did. Those childhood years, because we talk about years, he chose to bury all possible “hope” and deny any possible “attachment”. The Creature is inside waiting for a miracle to happen, a miracle letting it all out (perfection). Unfortunately, the world is not a friendly place for an adult, let alone for the child locked within us. People disappoint us, we disappoint them. Deep inside, you were way too vulnerable/naive/sensible (then) to find cynical means to cope with the worst in your closed ones. As a child…you gave all your love and all your trust to wrong people, people too caught in their lives to hear your needs (children need love and attention more than they need lots of money). Then, after the Creature disappeared from others view, you saw all as undeserving. You search for perfection because only a perfect woman wouldn’t disappoint you if you give your all. You WANT to believe one is perfect and when you discover she’s not…you search for another and so on…
You see, truth is always somewhere in the middle.
“Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?”
Why living if we’ll all die someday? Why? Should we all kill ourselves now because we’ll certainly face death one day?
The same way we want to live before dying- some of us want to love before we might loose someone or something (this isn’t always a certainty)! I agree it hurts sometimes and we must be wise in choosing, but for me- living without love is far worse than dying!
One does not choose to be born and being born inevitably leads to death, but one did not choose that.
Being attached leads to the loss of that which one is attached to. You can choose to be attached. You can choose to not be attached. Therein lies the difference.
If one can choose to not get attached to anyone in this life, one can also choose to get attached to someone.
Do you see that second statement as an option for you?
I choose to keep at a distance wrong people, that’s my only option, people who badly behaved and I own nothing to.
Telling me I shouldn’t love my son because he might disappoint me in the future is telling me to be like your mother. No way, I’m not built like that! I’m not a “cold” person.
“It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother.”
“I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.
The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.
I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.”
If you are so satisfied about the way you are now and you know it’s better and more efficient to live the way you do (you are way more adapted than I am to today’s society: I can’t lie, I can’t pretend) why do you want to crush your mother? That’s something I can’t understand…She raised you (trained you) to live the perfect life (that you are stating you live). You are brilliant because you didn’t play as much as you wanted to but you studied. Why hating her when you enjoy the outcome?
Or…that’s the Creature speaking sometimes? Demanding those rights (any child’s right, after all) of being hugged and told you were/are her ray of sunshine=you brought more light into her life, not only that you are brilliant (something you are sure of). If your mother would be able to understand the way she damaged you and your sister (as far as I know from you), she would dye without a revenge needed…remorse would kill her. But she isn’t able. You are, that’s why you were given not only the intelligence but the insight you amaze us all with.
Because it is necessary as part of the Grand Design.
Hit the nail on the head with this one….and its one of the red flags. When someone is trying very hard to get you bonded and attached to them.
Looking back, I see it in all the Narcs I have come across, and thank God now I can see it clearly in the ones I continue coming across
As soon as they start acting like they own me, even in a ‘creepy sweet loving possessive way,’ I am gone…
Seen it too many times now.
H.G.
I am trying to create healthier boundary to protect my well being it’s resulted in the following:
“It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.”
I feel more content and I am at peace with this. Logically I know I shouldn’t be as guarded but other defenses leads to my reacting emotionally.
Thanks for all you do.
You are welcome YOLO.
I believe you may have this backwards. I am the one that wants to get away, you are the one that won’t ever let me go..
Intimate post. Much appreciated <3 I heard someone call The Creature his “Dark Passenger.” Naturally, I wanted to know more. I didn’t respond to his flattery in the proper manner, and he stopped wasting his time. The desire to understand, see the big picture with unbiased clarity, to comprehend, as much as is possible, the experience of another; it’s insatiable. Happy. New Year to all
This description of the narcissists perception on relationships really brings home how they look at people roles in their lives and how they see them. THANK YOU for me this make so much sense.
Deep down I think you have the ability to attach. Think of the memory you shared with us of the It woman at the pub HG, when she was cruel to your brother. You seem attached to your brother. What she did to him hurt you, also. You wanted to protect him, and seek revenge against the woman called It for her cruelty.
Maybe I’m just too damn optimistic – and I’m sure that amuses you …
but I think it’s there ~ deep inside you.
But eventually- and it did not take me long.. a real feeling human senses there’s nothing inside of your type. Shallow- superficial and hollow. So how long do most people take to sense it? It only took me maybe 2 months to see there’s some something wrong. No heart. No personality of any depth. Tragic. Thoughts HL?
I sensed it nearly from our first date. But I didn’t listen to my intuition or my gut feeling. Always go with your gut feeling. Feelings aren’t facts but that ping one gets in the moment, only one warning in one moment in time, is telling you something’s not correct, right, something’s wrong here.
I was enamored. He had time before the date to hone his skill, go through my social media no doubt becuz we talked for hours about mutual interests. The liar. I fell for his boyish great looks and confidence. His social status. Generally I am not easily impressed. I get bored easily, but his intelligence, intellect, politeness . . . I got hooked on the first date. I was clued in by month 2 also, but I was foolish to stick around for the crumbs. I ended up loving the good things about him. After 7 months, I discarded him. Then there was the mutual discard. It never ends.
Who is the creature? What did he have? Attachment?
Mailen
The creature is the narcissist’s true self: the voice that tells him to feel shame, worthlessness, blame, powerlessness, rage, you are a bad boy, etc. The narcissist cloak’s it with his false construct (a prison) to feel powerful and safe. The fuel powers the false self and keeps the creature quiet.
What did he have? A parent that abused him and one that didn’t protect him.
Attachment? No, that was denied.
This has always been a favorite bc it clearly points out the benefits the narc has in the fact they dont attach to people. Benefits in the way they are able to manipulate people and do whatever it takes to get what they want but they are really the ones in misery.
Ive started to watch a great series called Poldark(masterpiece theatre) and its interesting to see the narcissistic dynamic played out in these episodes. Ross poldark being a man of integrity and he is the epitome of attachment to his people. Hed lay his life on the line for them while the main narcissist george warleggon has no attachments other than his one love interest elizabeth a married woman. Im sure this one attachment isnt a true one either but his lack of attachment enables him to do whatever it takes to get ahead and manipulate people into doing what he wants. He doesnt attach yet he really is the miserable one and you can see his pure envy over ross’s character. He acts better than everyone yet he really knows hes got no good qualities other than his money which cant buy him integrity in its truest form.
Its as if someone injected all weve learned here into the series but its life and once you know the signs you start to see them everywhere.
I want to wish everyone a very happy new year and all the best in 2018!!
Ive started in a new narc group and will be sharing your vids with them HG and pass on the blog info too!
Wow. How unbelievable.
But your throne is one of a deep seated and well hidden fear of attachment as in a fear of abandonment; and the need to control the environment is a defense mechanism to obliterate that innermost fear? I do understand the statement that you’re spared the misery you see all around you; but if you don’t feel the full scale of human emotions; if you’re only acquainted with the negative feelings there’s nothing to balance out that poisonous part of your life. You’re missing out on the human experience; being disconnected is actually the kind of abandonment you fear? Life becomes superficial and false without attachment; with only mirroring; what’s the meaning of life?
H.G.
I know this is off subject…but…have you written part 3 book for your series…Narcissist Seduction….as I have read part one and two…Narcissist Ensnared….now looking for part three called Narcissist Unmasked and I can’t find it???? Want to find out what that crazy lady does!!!!!!????? I will continue to look…but so far I cannot find it…
Thanks
Hi Deepsigh, it is not finished yet.
One of your best and most valuable essays. Thank you, HG.
This is very sad but I can understand why you think attachment is problematic. What you’re saying actually reminds me of the Buddhist Noble Truth that attachment invariably leads to suffering. In fact, in Buddhism, romantic love is considered attachment and therefore problematic – – it’s not real love, which is supposedly unattached.
Interestingly, HG, you may be unattached to persons as individuals but you are most certainly attached to fuel; an attachment that I suspect involves its own sort of suffering in itself, as the compulsive nature of its pursuit can’t possibly ever be a source of lasting peace or contentment. A narcissist may not share the same attachments we have but s/he is not necessarily in a happier place because of it. S/he simply only experiences different kind of attachment.
Wow. JUST WOW . So enlightening. Thank you so much HG for some understanding and closure which I’d never get from ‘my’ soon to be Nex. He goes through his selfish deluded life like a dead eyed shark. Devouring anything that gets too close emotionally. Thank You HG.