Poll : What Are Your New Year Aims Concerning Narcissists?
The New Year has arrived and with it of course came the repeated declarations of being delighted to say good riddance to the previous year and assert that 2018 would be “your year” whatever that actually means.
The New Year brings with it new intentions, new desires, new aims and new horizons and the world of narcissism and narcissists is no different.
Have you resolved to do things differently moving forward? Have you read my work and realised that your no contact is not really no contact and you are going to make it as a water tight as possible? Perhaps your no contact regime is working and you are going to ensure it stays that way. Maybe you are plucking up the courage to leave the narcissist and this time you are going to do it? Then again, you may have realised that emotional thinking is governing you and taking you back to dangerous practices and resulting in your repeated ensnarement with the dire consequence that follow from this and thus you are going to get this emotional thinking under control. Perhaps you intend to overcome the smearing that you have been subjected to or maybe you want to cause the narcissist to hoover you because you are still caught in the grip of your emotional infection?
Whichever of the answers is applicable you may choose as many as you wish before casting your vote, let me know and do expand on your choices in the comments section.
Thank you for participating.
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My New Years Aims concerning Narcissists:
Read Red Flag: 50 Warning signs of Narcissistic Seduction.
Done! With notes. Very useful! Thanks HG!
Reread Sitting Target taking notes this time.
I really don’t want to get caught up in this again, so my main aim is avoidance of future narcissistic relationships.
These last 4-5 months have been a whirlwind of education. First, finding out what I had entangled with, and then what it all means.
The education I have gotten here is priceless. The best tutor (Tudor) on this subject is here. Much of what he is able to teach us cannot be found anywhere else.
And being able to interact with others seeking this knowledge and sharing experiences brings this to a whole new level of education. Knowing this craziness was happening to other people did a lot for me, by helping me realize that I was not crazy, and I was not alone.
Thanks everybody, and may you have a Successful New Year!
In my case I’d say I’m still purging from my narcissist and I’m presently trying to become more disciplined mentally to train my mind to systematically reject thinking of him by switching to something else that interests me.
I also intend to learn more about narcissism as a general matter to avoid becoming ensnared in the future and as part of building my “vessel” of logic/understanding to continue dealing with the Heart to Head battle.
Focusing on developing my interests is also therapeutic, I think.
Mara,
He isn’t “your narcissist”, he’s someone else’s problem now, not yours. That’s good, at least for you. Don’t keep yourself “tied” to him, not even through words. Just my opinion…
Developing my interests was very efficient also for me.
Best wishes!
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Yes, I agree and thank you for your comment. He is indeed someone else’s problem now.
He still haunts me but I am purging, making progress, and moving forward.
I recently read HG Tudor’s book Manipulated and it was a significant eye-opener for me. This person used practically all of those tactics on me and although my emotional thinking is irrationally still grieving him, I am overall relieved that I don’t have to deal with any of that B.S. anymore, and that now I am arming myself with the information I need to spot any B.S. from others in the future.
I am extremely grateful to you HG, your site has truly helped more than any other resource and I diligently searched a year before I escaped. With the insight you provide there’s a light at the end of the long dark cold tunnel of torment . Thank you
You are welcome.
I agree wholeheartedly! The support groups helped me heal emotionally and were a great support to know I was far from alone. The YouTube videos helped me learn all the definitions and some of the intricacies of npd. But I am still blind when it comes to warding off a narcissist, sociopath, pschopath in the first place.. and that puts me here. Whom better to turn to than the source? I hope to be well-armed to the teeth!
I am so lost! I keep trying to talk to him to get him to understand that he did things wrong too, not just me. He blames me for everything. I am going crazy. I try to go no contact and then I go ahead and text to either yell at him or cry. The only time he will respond back is if it is an angry text just to once again tell me how he is the victim and twist everything, literally EVERYTHING I say around. I remember what it used to be like and the rug was literally pulled out from underneath me. I am literally going out of my mind with wanting him to see how his actions and words hurt. At this point I know I am helping with the devaluation of me. This sucks.
Perhaps I am the one who is the narc!!
Ann
Yes the devaluation truly does suck! Especially before you even know what a disordered personality is. I only learned what Narcissism and psychopathy was after we were over and I was curious. I began to read all I could trying to figure out what all of it was that I endured. I think for me the most devastating part was finding out that he is not who he portrayed himself to be to me in the first 3 months of knowing him. It was so mind blowing when his mask began to slip and he started showing me these ugly things. I know the man is evil and sick. But at the time I didn’t even know what a mask was and that people could wear them. So my reaction was to break up with him immediately. And he seemed to respect my decision and accept it. But I could tell he wasn’t pleased with the fact I could just break up with him. So he called me and left several messages saying to give him another chance. I ignored his calls for a whole day, then I returned his call and he was elated. However he never took responsibility for how he acted and what he said that upset me. He just was elated that I was willing to give him another chance. But then when I couldn’t let it go and kept trying to get him to talk about his behavior, he stayed…” I am not going to ride this rollarcaoaster with you!” So essentially he was breaking up with me now. I just think the rejection was so hard for me to take. I had cognitive dissonance very badly. Here I had been the one to break up with him and within 2 days he then was the on every breaking up. And I was now the one being rejected! I was reading another book about psychopaths and the author said that sometimes the psychopath just uses a person as an in between relationships person. Someone they know they will not be with long term. Maybe that’s all I was. He had been married 8 years and divorced 1 and a half years when he met me. So I don’t think I was ever intended to be a primary to him. Maybe that’s why he let the mask slip so fast after only 3 months.
I mean he was able to be in a marriage for 8 years before I met him. But we only lasted 6 months. And he was already devaluing me at 3 months. However I did do something not so good in the beginning and it had to do with another man. So that really could have accelerated the devaluation….it’s always been a mystery to me and so hasn’t he.
The.thrill.is.gone,
I too, didn’t learn about npd until after I left, but I was mired in such denial and hope that I stayed.. trying to figure it out. Trying to fix It. It only gets worse.
Ann Abbey
Maybe it’s time to turn the tables and decide to “ devalue “ him. He won’t see how he hurts you, and if he does see, he doesnt care, for it is his intention to do so. Maybe it’s time for you to decide not to let him hurt you and disassociate yourself from him completely. Treat yourself the way you wish he had treated you.He is not worth it
Ann Abbey, I am right there with you! I have been no contact since September, but I’m dodging hoovers right and left. Before I went no contact, I just knew if I kept pointing out his actions he would see it, but he never did. From reading H.G.’s blog, I have learned that narcissists aren’t concerned that their actions are hurtful. They are concerned with the reactions they get from us that translate to them as fuel. I had to finally face the fact that the more I tried to make him see, the more I was playing into his hands. You can talk until you’re blue in the face and they will not get it. And if they should happen to get it, they won’t tell you they get it because that would calm you down and lessen the fuel that is coming from your frustration.
I failed at no contact more times than I can count. Each time I tried, he went more and more out of control to get me to break my silence and try to “help” him or stop him from pulling others into the craziness. I think it takes everyone a different amount of time to get to the tipping point that makes them keep their no contact. You aren’t there yet, so you keep trying because you care about him. You aren’t crazy, but I know exactly how you feel. I really thought I was losing my mind. I had to keep a detailed daily journal to convince myself that I wasn’t going crazy because of all the gaslighting. Hang in there and find the things that will help you manage your own sanity through this. Keep reading this blog and take care of YOU. Try not to worry that he doesn’t understand. He likely never will. He is no more capable of understanding your point of view than you are of understanding his. You’re wired differently. Be grateful for that fact 🙂 You will get through this!
If he’s anything like mine he will never see how he hurt u and even if he did hell never admit they never admit to wrongdoing of any kind mine never does he can deflect and back out of responsibility for anything and everything ur wasting ur time if he’s truly a narc
Ann, I sounded just like you, once. I feel like I could have written your comment years ago. It’s very frustrating.
If he senses you completely pulling away he will likely throw some comfort crumbs but nothing will be resolved.
I am able to look at my narc experience with a cold logic and emotional distance now, but it took me a while to get there but believe me, I very much relate to what you wrote.
Hi Ann,
Are you new around the site? I don’t want to assume. I ask because I felt pretty lost and crazy too at the start. I was glad to have found this site. It takes time to digest and process all this stuff. Keep reading and learning. be patient with yourself Give yourself that time and space to be sad, angry, and everything else while you heal.
From the little bit you said here it sounds like he’s replying just enough to provoke you, keep you emotionally activated and fixated on him rather than moving on. It does suck. It’s a cruel thing to do to a person who is clearly in pain and trying to make sense of things. That’s part of why No Contact is crucial. It’ll stop him being able to do that as well as allow you to detox and come out of the fog a bit. You’ll come back to yourself and move forward. he’ll still be the same jerk.
Hello Ann Abbey,
He will NOT accept blame or culpability because his defense mechanisms WON’T allow it. Nothing was your fault, however, you will drive yourself crazy if you don’t stop trying to get him to see the error of his ways and accept blame. He will twist and blame you for everything; he is the victim from his perspective; you are the abuser and you are fueling him. Reestablish no contact and when you feel the need to vent, come here and vent; let it all out. You will get no closure because he doesn’t want the fuel tap to be shut off. Please read:
https://narcsite.com/2017/11/14/closure-denied-4/ read:
P.S. Are you still together?
Ann,
They can’t accept blame. They simply will not. They feel it lowers them, unless they see a good (manipulative) reason to do so. If you break down and communicate and show any emotion toward them, they love that — they feed off it, to your detriment. They WILL twist anything… it’s guaranteed.
They will not “see” anything they do not WANT to see… they will protect their fragile sense of self above everyone and everything.
You can get your power back, but you have to deny yourself the interaction (your emotional bond) with him. As time goes by, the feelings you have will fade, and you will get your sense of self (and power) back.
Yes, it sucks… but it CAN get better. You can survive it — learn/grow — and move on from it.
Hello, Ann
Likewise, I have tried many times to get the narc to admit his faulty ways and stop abusing me and broke the No Contact not only once, but THREE TIMES. I put myself into very strong emotional stress trying to communicate my feelings, do some reasoning and even suggested couple counseling. Do you know what did I get? Absolutelly nothing. Running in circles, further fuel for the narc, emotional exhaustion and guilt for me. Please, read Mr Tudor’s post about The Wrong No Contact, implement The Correct No Contact and give yourself a chance of healing. All the best for you in 2018!
Ann,
I’m only here like other people, telling you that your partner, if a narc and surely “sounds” like one…won’t acknowledge his wrongdoings in front of you. Even if he’d do that, that’s only for bringing you back to him, not because he accepts those words as true and intends repairing something. You waste your life waiting for him to become (again) the right one for you. With narcissists, there’s nothing you can do to help! Just…leave them alone. Confrontation won’t help, you’ll only repeat the pattern to no end. You believe you’re regaining some of your power back, but it’s a trap. He only “feeds” his vanity from your reactions, good or bad ones! It isn’t in their best interest to leave you once and for all, to let you find that soul’s peace and find another one to be happy with. There is an article from the beginning of January 2018, very interesting for all of us but especially for you, at this point in your life.
Implying No Contact and internalizing (accept as true) what HG wrote in his articles will help you. I know it isn’t easy, but you won’t regret taking this step. You have to rationally understand there is no chance to make it work with a narc and you’d better leave it there. For you sanity and happiness!
Best wishes!
Hello, i came upon this blog while researching the profile of a narcissist. My current boyfriend of 1year exhibits a lot of the character traits i am reading about, though not all of them.
Currently we are in a breakup/silent treatment phase which i now see as a pattern of behavior and beginning to understand. He is 67 and I am 52.
My question is, how does this order progress as people age?
He is clearly concerned about aging alone as we have discussed and yet he keeps breaking up with me every time he gets overwhelmed or if I ask too many questions.
Hello Lori, please see the articles Time and the Narcissist – Parts One and Two.
Treat them as KNOWN TOXINS.
You know, like arsenic, MSG or junk food. And avoid them like them plague!
Hi Np…thats a great way to look at it. A friend of mine said to me once…”you watch what you eat and are into naturopath medicine and yet you allow a toxic person in your life”. It hit home. I inject myself everyday with his toxin.
Good point albeit that donut does not tend to keep texting you saying “eat me”!
Ha ha!
Now a yummy, delicious Krispy Kreme never hurt anybody…
A donut has everpresence tho 😄
Not if the victim narcissist gets there first!
Certainly not the narc i am entangled with would come here for improving his manipulations.
He consider himself the Magnificient One.
He is a master even above HG you know?
And he is an excellent writer…
Mmmmmmm.. that reminds me: HG are you my narc?
You are certainly twins.
😂😂😂
I am not and he is not above me.
Hehe. This made me giggle
HG I love your competition with other narcs. I would PAY to watch you fuck with these assholes as they try to gaslight and manipulate you.
BOOM! Another one down…
I’m putting you in a ringer with some dick-waving Lesser. Somatic or not, ‘How much can you lift?’ He asks as he flexes.
HG says, ‘Fuck that,’ picks him up and BODY SLAM!
Or my Mid range cerebral experience who would thumb his nose at you, make some dismissive snip about your observations and have you just intellectually grind him into the ground.
The crowd is chanting, ‘HG! HG! HG!’
I want popcorn and front row seating. Who else is with me?
ME!!!! lol… my MR victim would be a slam dunk for sure. Hehehe. I do get pleasure from imagining that scenario 🙂
Haha ..hahah.. hahah.
That it is what he would say.
I Love that HG
I agree with you that you are above… because at least you have the courage to tell us all about it…
i deeply dislike cowards.
It’s been nearly two years (March 27) since the Upper Mid-Narc discarded me, without warning or closure; and, has never hoovered me since- that I know of. I voted for building my logic defenses and to get my emotional thinking under control because I finally feel like this is the year I can actually start to succeed. It’s been a long, hard journey, but I’m making progress, yet know I still have a long way to go. I know I’m a much stronger, wiser and guarded woman than I’ve ever been, and I owe all of my growth and strength to God, first and foremost (not you HG) – and HG! Had I not been led to find HG’s website by God, my guardian angel and my spirit guides (all that I prayed to in such an excruciatingly painful and pivotal time of my life) nineteen months ago, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. Either way, I am here today and still have thoughts of him daily (maybe twice a day – hey, still better than it used to be). I wonder about him, remember him and the “beautiful” times we shared together. The good news is, it’s not near as often as it once was, but it’s often enough that it’s time to start using the strength I’ve built over the many months and work towards my goal of continuing to build my defenses and to control my emotional thinking. It’s time to let him go emotionally, so I can be at my ultimate strength to protect myself with guaranteed success, if he ever tries to Hoover me.
HG, I don’t read your blog as often as I used to (that’s a great thing), but I do come back for a refresher course now and then. Your articles are always great reminders to keep me motivated in the right direction, which is far away from your kind, and that includes the ex-Narc! Thank you, HG for being so brutally honest (at least in your blog)! I wonder how many people are out there in the world, and read your blog, who have been saved by your truth, the way I have been? I bet it’s more than you can imagine! Thanks again, HG! Take care! 💘
You are welcome and thank you for the kind comments. It is always useful to keep your defences ‘topped up’ by dipping back in to the blog and books from time to time.
My New Year aims… To understand better narcs and myself.
I’m not afraid of narcs (my family story made me so) – I want to be able to help people with similar disorders. And myself and my son at first. I’m hellbound anyway.
Going to delve deeper.
None of goals concern my recent narcy. Thankful to him he made me realize all these things.
Antifragile
Hell bound?
Happy New year HG and everyone! I vote nothing cos I’m lost don’t know what to do anymore and just doubt my judgment. I cant go completely no contact as blocking him dont know why. But I never contact him . So he does every so often. But didn’t fall for his lies was strong and he was soon gone. But last time he told me how bad his drug addiction got how it’s killing him how he hates he’s life and need help. I tried to be strong in my replies but supportive. I really felt sorry for him and offered help. But was a catch I had to stop accusing him of things. So I I said I’ll stop if he get appointment for help and I’ll help if he tell me how can i help. AND nothing no reply!!!!! Next day was happily chatting to someone . So I’ve send him msg what a lier he is how he played on my feelings and vanished. Of course I feel bad now . He not I’m guessing he went as far as unliking my fb things he liked b4. Am I creazy? HG I know what he did then playing me but I don’t know why ? He wasn’t going to speak to me next day anyway was he so why all love yous miss yous gonna leave u alone and then heart breaking story , what’s the point?
Happy New Year!
May 2018 bring us (all) what we need, not what we want…as it is wiser that way! HG, I imagine you’ll not agree to that one because it’s out of control and not easy to accept (for you…close to impossible!), but I stil believe in miracles (as long as they are not at my “expenses”- I gave up trying to make all wrong…right or turn “bad guys”- usually narcs -into good ones).
HG, I implemented NC years ago, but I got messages in the beginning of November and again in the Christmas Eve. I keep blocking phone numbers after getting those messages and for sure I feel nothing now for that person (I understood he isn’t able to love and that it isn’t my problem to solve), but how many years will take for a narc to understand someone is really over him? Please don’t tell me all life…I hope he’s not having 10 tel numbers or more. I completely ignored him and his messages, of course!
Oh, I found out my father is not a narcissist, more of a borderline codependent or bipolar one, not sure yet, but until his mother (a narcissist, find out on my skin, as I confronted her when I was 5 y.o.) died, he was an obedient son, not marrying, after his mother’s death, he obsessed (passed his obsession from his mother to the other woman in his life, I believe) about the younger woman he was with for years…married her and gave her all his money (found recently that out from a relative keeping in touch with them). As I said, his wife is the narcissist there and I really hope he’ll not end up badly… He is broken, but not a narcissist, that explains why he has moments of real empathy towards people and animals, moments of regretting the wrong he’d done, but soon “forgetting” it. He is like: two personalities in one man.
If narcs wouldn’t take goodness for weakness or stupidity…we could stay friendly (human) and free -all of us. HG, do you know why it’s so hard for some to disappear and completely ignore narcs? Because we are good and they relay on that. We absolutely abhor feeling “the mean ones”. F**k, writing me just before Christmas: “I hope you forgot about what was upsetting you” (nonsense in his opinion, but some ugly truths in mine) or something like that…just appealing to my good side, especially for Christmas. If I had to give him a name now, that would be: SNAKE. He seems friendly and poses in the innocent one, only for later bite-just one more time. Words like “common sense”, “shame” can never describe a narc.
HG, I understand you have a life outside this blog and I respect that, but I can’t help myself from wondering why messages written after mine got published and mine it’s still awaiting moderation.
Maybe because I’m far away…that’s life! 😉
Because the most recent ones appear first in the moderation pane and as I have explained countless times before if you have long posts and/or questions they will be held longer in moderation. I aim to push through those which do not rehire input from me and/or are engaging with another reader.
HG, thank you for letting me know! You imagine I can’t read all your answers on this blog (as much as I’d like or want to) , but now I clearly see your logic in prioritizing.
You are welcome.
My goal is simple: to outwit, outlast and outplay the narcissists in my life. To do this, I have to always remember that they are narcissistic creatures, with an entirely different mindset/set of rules + conduct that I will never completely understand or relate to.
Game on (but not a fun one)… it may get really difficult. Are my empathic qualities any match for them? Yes… but only if I stay true to myself + accept they are narcissistic + apply cold logic/discipline.
Sweet Caroline (sorry if you hate that) I love the song.
First of all. While all you said are lofty goals I fear they self sabotage and still put the narcs first and delude you into thinking “there is a chance.”
There is not. NOT because you are not, or cannot be good, smart, blah blah. But because they and their disorde always wins. ALL. WAYS.
The only way to win is not to play. I get exhausted being in any proximity of narcs (relatives, coworkers? etc) I mean I suppose one could aspire to be the “best at beating down narcs” but they is a full time job yo. And the rewards are nil. Really like that gopher game where you hammer them down at arcades. They keep popping up. Why play?
Do you. Be you. Sans disorder. It is not cancer. They can help it, They know they are abusing. They do not care. Our self care and love can be spent on us and the bazillion others who do not have this disorder whose one aim is to destroy. Unilaterally. At all costs. xx
My goal is to leave him for good and go permanently no contact I’m observing him now and I’m clearly able to see the facade he’s struggling to maintain he’s planning our wedding and his new life in the USA on my dime its not hapening
Dear Mr Tudor,
New year greetings to you Sir!
I’m maintaining my defence force surrounding my self and my castle… impenetrable. Ive always been too trusting of people…. innocent until proven guilty, now it’s…. guilty until proven innocent!
People still approach me, to talk, that’s fine! My tolerance of people is now extremely low and my “circle of trust” is now closed!
Having endured narcissism all my life, health wise it’s been devastating and my immune system is stuffed forever. It’s taken me 2 1/2 years to slowly get back on my feet. I’d love you to do a poll on specific health symptoms and how it’s affected everyone.
It’s been the most cruel experience of my life! Never never again!
A thought provoking and reality checking poll, excellent!
BTW, my no contact regime IS complete, that’s why I’m stumped. 😞
Maintain my no contact regime. And gradually find a self again. Not the dreaming, innocent self that kept falling for Narcs, not the absolutely dry self that helped me survive the final narc-stroke. Another self. I can see her now, from a distance. I am smiling at her, I think I will like her.
Build logic defenses. I think since I’ve been in this cult for 50 years, it will take another 50 to truly extricate myself. Basically, I’ll be dead before I’ve built up every logical defense and I’m okay with that. I will always be in danger of being ensnared.
One thing I’ve learned that’s on me is that there are times when I’ve known someone I’m entangled with is dangerous (narcissist) and it was a turn on. I’ve told myself in the past that I could take them down. I’m right sized now and no longer turned on by that kind of danger. I believe them now and know that I am no match to the harm they can do.
I chose build my logic and control emotional thinking and to evade furure narcissists.
Ive not gone no contact and this i think will be the ultimate if it comes to that. I dont think id go no contact bc my narcs not been horribly abusive. He has been more covertly abusive. I think what itll come down to is spending less time with him which may dissolve the relationship. We will see. A main goal is to work on my relationship with my hubby and put back more focus on me and my family.
Evading future narcissists has been proving to be successful. I still get these types in my life but i have more trust in my own ability to decipher if they are toxic in my life and how to go about eliminating or limiting them.
On facebook i blocked my first ever narc or who i suspect is a narc. I gave them the benefit of the doubt but she kept posting covert put downs. In the past i wouldve thought i was too sensitive and to just accept such an individual but no longer do i do that. After 2 years…yes waited too long…i blocked her. I was at first sad but 3 days later i feel strong and proud that i looked after my feelings for once. Its also a relief to know when i post things i wont have to see her snide remarks. I have to admit to a bit of thought fuel too at knowing she will wonder why none of my posts are in her feed lol thought fuel can be an empowering thing! 😄 The point is im trusting in my judgement of people. Knowing about narcissism and seeing the signs in this person i knew there was no use trying to talk it out and tell her how her remarks upset me bc she would either turn it around on me and play the victim or she would block me then smear me so..no this was the right decision 👍
The logic (wise mind) and controlling emotional thinking which amounts to emotional regulation will be a real focus this year. The key word here is control not eliminate. I want to hold onto my emotional nature bc that sets me apart from a narcissist and im proud of my empathetic side but it does need to be tapered at times so the logical side comes forth. This is an area im working on and have bought some workbooks on dbt therapy to help address this.
Jules – You do know that this is an educational site and we’re here to learn, right? If you enjoy Narc behaviour and enjoy dating possibly 3 narcs currently, why are you here? I’m baffled.
Im in the process of letting go of old behaviours. When this happens i tend to become flooded with memories, thoughts, and desires about familiarity (what has become normal to me) when im in the in between stages of grieving.
Just recently i left a friends with benefits situation (im certain im some kind of a dirty little secret to him) & he is kind in some areas and loves to humiliate and scare me in others.
It took some months to realize in some twisted way i’m attracted to this type of behaviour.
I’m still a bit shocked that somewhere inside me i think its excusable for someone to threaten putting a gun to my head, pulling the trigger and then saying they’d fuck the hole. Something inside me wouldn’t allow me to get up and walk out. I stayed and fooled around more. What is it that draws me to someone like this? What needs to change in me so i dont continue to attract this type of person?
Isnt it peculiar that i have blocked his number said my goodbyes (for the second time) & yet i have intense moments when I miss him?
Thats part of the process for me in letting go. When i dont react to my “need” to see him, slowly that deranged elixir inside me gets diluted and weakens with time. My intuition & perception start to become balanced again.
An eternal student – you begin change by digging deep and finding out who you are, recognise harmful habits and set boundaries. If you truly desire to be not attracted to this type of person, it’s so much more than blocking his number. You can be excused for thinking of him still but this will fade in time. Have patience and start loving yourself. I really that I didn’t really love myself (I was conditioned and primed by a Narc Mother to not love myself) and I also thought I knew what boundaries were. Turns out I didn’t understand boundaries at all. I thought it was selfish if I didn’t help others. Now I know it’s ok to say no. That’s boundaries. You can clearly recognise your increased cognitive awareness at times when you don’t miss / need him. That’s good. Keep hold of that. Use it to guide you. It’s so difficult letting go but it gets much easier when we start loving ourselves instead of the person incapable of love! Like any addiction, it only leads us down a dark path if we don’t let it go completely. Good luck.
Eternal, I’m so sorry. That’s a terrible thing to go through ☹ Begin by forgiving yourself. I promise.. it gets easier *HUGS
An_eternal_student
It is addiction, ever presence and that deranged elixir, a.k.a. The Mixture that draws you in and the only cure is no contact. Your only hope is to keep reading so you can replace your emotional thinking with logic. I was a golden period junkie when I first came here and it was rough. Withdrawal sucked and lasted a little over 4 months.
My goals depend on the moment- revenge- getting away- spending one year relationship free to find a new love- myself. Stop thinking about him– while still fantasizing about the new golden phase he is in with her and knowing how amazing that is– and I am missing out. I desire to find true love– confused as hell!
Keep reading your stuff– awaiting your reply to my last online question….Your personal advice is very good!
For me just to purge him from my life by strengthening my logic defences and leave the emotional part of me to those people in my life who deserve it. Also to gain more knowledge, to stay away from narcissists in the future and further develop my relationship to myself. I’ve been in some kind of crisis therapy these last few months but I’ll try psychoanalysis now. I’m excited about it; it’s time to put that childhood to rest. Also I’m going to stay on here bothering you HG. That’s a promise;)
Purge and purge some more! Purge and stay purged! Forever!
Now that I have learned about NPD, escaped out of state and been no contact with the ex for almost a year… I am enjoying my current pastime of engaging with Narc’s on purpose. (Don’t hate, this is my way of healing and getting over my anger!!) I know it’s reckless and dangerous but I’m single and bored and I’m quite frankly fascinated by narc behavior! I’m dating 3 possible (very probable) narcs at the moment. Soaking up all their fun charismatic golden periods. I am a cougar and date young guys… they seem to be less experienced and fumble more letting their masks slip more often. It’s so funny.
The Hunted has become the Hunter.
My kids are raised, my finances are securely protected and I’m armed to the hilt by H G Tudor Himself!!
Show me your best seductions boys… let’s do this! 🖤😈
No hate. My mind concocted it’s own idea in the wee hours…
In the likelihood that I may not be able to ward off narcs and the like, and barring a miracle.. How do I become an IPSS in lieu of an IPPS? The SS seems to receive a better deal, and frankly, I don’t relish the idea of becoming a cat lady for the rest of my life. 😜
1. Build logic defences
2. Recognize, evade, move forward
3. Revisit no contact/strengthen it
Happy New Year to you all here in this supportive, teaching, learning & growing community. Thank you HG, I am looking forward in maintaining my no contact-never again regime with your teachings from the other side! Thank you so much for assisting many of us on our side who are seeking to understand, learn & escape the Tyranny of toxic persons & work toward growing healthy relationships going forward. Understanding that these teachings need to be revisited regularly to maintain our healthy course.
For in my experience at least, once an empath always an empath. We will always need to carry & strap-on our armor of knowledge throughout our journey.
Thank you HG for all that you teach & share with us here & abroad! May 2018 bring you all continued health, prosperity & knowledge.
You are welcome Roger and thank you for your kind sentiments, I wish you well for 2018.
Happy New Year to you too, Roger L. Heffelbower!
At the first sign of devaluation, G.O.S.O. Goodbye. Done.
Why wait for that pain? If he/she is truly an N, it is as predictable and inevitable as the tides.
Sometimes there is a lag between determining what was done because of momentary stupidity, just having a bad day or week and being rude and hard to detect ambient abuse. I will frequently give someone the benefit of the doubt the first time. Twice or three times and this is who they are.
Healing. From family, from other relationships, from the MMRN that was the final wake up call. To continue letting go of all that doesn’t serve me well. To feel “normal” without the chaos. To recognize the red flags and respond accordingly. This is my year to find peace within.
Sophia, if you remain open to learning & accepting new knowledge going forward here and on other quality sites, you will eventually find that peace you seek along your currently acknowledged path. You are already on your way to more discovery! There are many here in this community who can help you along the way with your task. I (we) wish you all the best in your journey.
Maintain NC and Recognize and Evade future Narcs for sure. I just celebrated 7 months having escaped my narc and instituted NC with blocking. I found this to be the most educational platform of narc abuse. These articles tell it like it is. Painful as it was/is to know the truth about love fraud, it’s very liberating to lift the veil of unconsciousness. Acknowledging that we seek your kind to continue our parental abuse is paramount and will lead to begin our healing process of not being enough.
The fraud we allow your kind to put over on us is truly the reflection of our own self love deficit.
This Blog is so awesome!
HG, will you ever come to US and do seminars? You can hide behind a curtain like The Wizard of Oz to protect your identity. You’d sell out.
Has anyone else noticed Dr. Phil mentioning narc abuse more and more lately? Perhaps our emails are making an impact?
It boggles my mind that there are soooo many victims who resist your writings. I recommend your Posts and vids on some narc abuse groups I’m in on FB and many still won’t believe it. I suppose those evil tendrils are still wrapped so tightly…
Anyhow, wishing you, HG, the best year of your life, and all your followers a fantastic Narc Free year!💕
Peaceful
Thank you Peaceful.
I feel like telling you this information is giving battle plans to the enemy because you’re probably training narcissist on this website as well -they come and look for ways to further evade detection And manipulate more effectively. I think some of your writings are purely aggrandizement. I’m keeping my battle plan to myself
Utterly incorrect. They do not know what they are so they would not come here toking for ways to evade detection etc.
Exactly. There’s a reason why there are a bazillion Facebook pages devoted to recovery from narc abuse and zero on how to be a better narc.
Good point.
Yet you know ‘what’ you are.. does this make you the smartest ‘one’ in the room? I often wonder if all narcissists are cognizant or only some, with the rest in denial or ignorant to it. Much gratitude btw, you shine a light and opened the curtains for me. I am smarter than mine and will win this battle. : )
Hello KW,
I find your comment confusing.
“….they come and look for ways to further evade detection ”
Even if hypothetically it happens: what ways to further evade detection can they possibly get?
The only thing they could get is the knowledge ( if you see the results) that the majority (57%)of readers have the determination of:
building their logic defences, recognising and evading narcissists and moving forward and maintaining they currently effective no contact regime.
The only thing they could possibly get from these results is the FACT that this determination is present . I might say that it is quite an alarming fact for a narcissist.
Or they find the determination to be a challenge that attracts them.
Hello strongwendy,
I understand what you mean. Narcissists using this site and the information given here to target their victims attracted by the challenge of that determination?
In that case:
1. We will be talking about the upper schools who are aware of what they are. If that is the case, they know exactly how the targets function and which manipulation technique they use. I do not think they gain more weapons by the information given here. They are already very good at what they do.
2. If one empath is targeted here by one narcissist attracted by the challenge of that determination: that would then be like the Final Exam for the empath ,wouldn’t it?
Point 1 – entirely correct SuperXena.
…just Point 1? Under my empath perspective I think Point 2 is also correct..it should be any way…
Hi SuperXena,
I honestly don’t thinknarcs would come to this site to learn new techniques – I agree with HGs earlier statement about lessers and mid range (plus HG has said that greaters wouldnt hang out on another greater’s site). I didn’t mean for that to come across that way. I was making a general statement and, yes, I agree that determination would be alarming to the lesser or mid range and possibly an attractive challenge to a greater.
Hello strongerwendy,
Thank you for your observation. Yes, we have received an extensive and interesting answer from HG regarding this . It is interesting to exchange different opinions and perspectives from both sides of the fence. This is exactly what makes these interactions very valuable .
Skickat från min iPhone
…just adding: if that determination of the empath really exists, it shouldn’t be undermined if you are targeted either here( I am sure there are plenty around) or on the outside…doesn’t make any difference….they are everywhere…
Of course we could just be putting targets on our backs. You could have a side business here for the greater narc. “Empath Haven” 😉
Jasmine,
You do not need to put “target” on your back…unfortunately you have always had one on your back for the narc but you were not aware of it…otherwise you wouldn’t be here on this site. Perhaps you are aware of it now?
SuperXena
*sigh* I am indeed. Ensnared – abused – escape. Ensnared – abused – escape. Ensnared – abused – escape. I need to learn how to recognize them FIRST.
Hello Jasmine,
That sounds like a very exhausting and painful cycle . To recognise them is exactly where the awareness lies: to know why and how they target you.
Best wishes
Hi KW
I can understand your view point,
We are all entitled to our opinions.
Listening to understand and listening to hear may look to be the same, yet are opposites, do you know which are you doing?
Not to mention any narcissist would think (s)he knew more and better!
HG, lets say a narcissist did find this blog or was attempting to gain some sort of knowledge, which, I don’t think they are. But, devil’s advocate, they are among us. Tell me if this is right…the lessor would not recognize himself and be bored, the mid-range would be furious and defensive and the greater would be amused that the empathic masses are licking their wounds and even attempting to overcome the narcissists power.
A Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist would most likely happen across this blog based on their perception that they have been a victim of a narcissist. This may be correct (after all our kind do collide) or is more a case of their narcissism causing them to believe that they are the victim of a narcissist (who is actually not a narcissist but a true victim). The Lesser will most likely seek revenge on the victim (not as a narcissist but as a supposedly avenging victim) but soon display their true colours here by boasting, picking fights and being dismissive.
The Mid-Range would maintain a facade of being a victim, that they are the decent person and be looking at ways to move forward unaware of what they are. If challenged by anybody that they are behaving as a narcissist they will of course become defensive, deflecting, blame shifting, rolling out Pity Plays etc. Neither would be here looking to learn as a narcissist because they do not know what they are and nor will they recognise it.
A Greater would not be giving any time to the work of another Greater and already knows much of what to do as a narcissist and certainly would never countenance wanting to learn from another.
Thank you for the detail 😀 I know my mother believes herself to be the very definition of victim. She would love this blog. She would private message you, try to make you feel sorry for her and love her. It scares me that she’s so unaware of what she is.
What if I’m unaware? What if I’m her and I have no idea? That question haunts me.
You are not her.
12345, you aren’t alone. I think I had a mid victim. And you aren’t the first to wonder “am I the narcissist”? On the upside, if we ARE the mid-range victim, we’d never know it! 🤣 Gotta laugh at the irony
Great question 12345…ive often wondered this of my narc bc i suspect he knows i posted on the facebook page of this blog.
In my narcs case im pretty sure he would idolyze someone like HG and would pick up pointers on how to further manipulate. I know he knows what he does that im certain of. Ive caught him in lies that tell me this. I do think hed stick around and read comments and implement what he learns bc hes proud of his “power”. He looks at it as a strength and not a flaw of his character or the fact its all based on lies and a facade.
My narc would do what narcs do and hed use character traits from these blogs as his own.
Why, my dear husband likes your blog, Tudor! “Very insightful, arrogant and brave”, he said. Lol.
He isn’t a “womanizer” type of Narc and women aren’t his “meal” at all, but once he said “If I was interested to gain a fuel from women, the Tudor’s blog would be the best source to learn how to do it in the most effective way”. Lol.
And of course, he reads my comments. Lol. “Sometimes, I think I know everything about you, but then, bah, and I realize that I know nothing about you. How do you do that?!”, he asked once.
“Eer…it is a beauty to be ambivalent”, was my answer. Lol.
Sometimes I too have wondered if I am unaware. After my experience with the narc, I have found myself having a very short fuse for BS. I don’t like users. I feel like I have gone out of my way for a number of people over the years and then when they get what they want, they are done.
While one should perform kind gestures without any payback, I have found myself resenting those I have gone out of my way for, only for them to just toss me aside.
Perhaps this is my fault for not setting good boundaries. But now I find myself cutting them from my life just because I don’t think they add anything for me. I am being more selfish, in other words. Or maybe selective is a better word? I don’t know.
As example, the boyfriend I had as a teenager I was friends with on FB for a number of yrs, largely because I kept him around thinking how he meant something to me back then, yet in reading this blog, I have come to learn that he is a Lesser and that he was never very nice to me, and also a user.
So why have him around, then? I thought about this. I couldn’t come up with an answer that didn’t involve nostalgia. So I removed him. Unfriend. Nothing mean or bitter, just nothing in common, so what is the point? I have been rather shocked at some of my detachment ability as of late.
12345,
that’s eerie, the thought of me actually being the narcissist has been on my mind too. In the end I was the one to display all those qualities of erratic, dramatic and obsessive behaviour in my relationship; not him. I was the one who had to defend myself all the time; surely I was to blame? If he wasn’t culpable surely I must be? He even told me I was crazy and kind of abusive. Now I realise that his abuse provoked that kind of behaviour in me; he projected his own disordered personality traits onto me; accused me of abuse when I was actually reacting to his abuse; I’ve never displayed that kind of behaviour before (except I guess during my childhood when growing up with a narcissist) but still; he could convincingly even now tell anyone that it was all my fault because emotional abuse is so difficult to put your finger on. The only evidence I do have is the physical abuse. And that’s abusive as well! Making the victims think they might constitute the narcissistic problem.
A narcissist taking advice from another narcissist on how to manipulate? Unthinkable.
SuperXena you are oh -so- right. They are everywhere. And unless we change ourselves, they will always track us down.
I find this funny)) To train narcissists … to teach granpa how to cough lol )))
KW
Even if they knew what they were (Lessers and Mids), if they are online they are on dating sites or watching porn. If they are Greaters they are out and about in the world working their magic and not reading about the carnage trails of others that they have no access to or need for.
Besides, I doubt any of them could be off their phones long enough to read an entire article.
Yeah same as ever just keep NO CONTACT tight or otherwise even after 14 months there would be a chance he sneaks in . My mind is mind up I do not want to live with someone who I let suck the life out of me . My concern is my emotional state is so much better and because there is child contact I’m thinking might be brave enough to see him , but not going there , I don’t even allow him to drop kids outside he has to go the end of the road xx best wishes everyone xxx
Making better choices with partners. Unlike a lot of people, I knew he was a narcissist early on and went full steam ahead anyways.
Same here but the question is why? I knew and I’m a smart chick… why get manipulated?
I knew he was a narcissist, but my basis for comparison was my mother, two totally different dynamics. I didn’t see the manipulation until over a year in.
Krista
You allowed your emotion to win over logic.
Becky
I applaud you. Your honesty in your own behaviour paired with the information here will show you success.
My aim for 2018 is to write a ‘Duty to Protect’ letter to an organisation who help Women Asylum Seekers here in the UK and try to explain why I would like for them to consider taking a particular person (without using the word Narcissist) off their books as a host, not least because this particular person ain’t no christian despite what she says and she seeks out vulnerable females to exploit under the guise of ‘Hey look at me everyone, I’m such a good Christian”. I feel more so, with the passage of time, that whilst it is never a good idea to try and expose Narcissists to their family and friends, I will seek to protect future victims as and where possible. This is both my new years resolution and my Pledge for the foreseeable future. Whenever and wherever we see harm being done, we must never become apathetic because that’s how Narcissists continue to get away with harming others. Apathy is the Narcissist’s friend. I won’t befriend either!
Here, here! Please do so.
I’m completely n/c but he’s still reacting, attacking, hoovering, triangulating, etc. It’s been 3 months. When does it stop?
There is always a risk but you can minimise that risk through the imposition of a rigid no contact regime. I daresay your no contact regime is not as effective as it should be if you are being subjected to the behaviours you detail. Further, three months is not a long period of time. I invite you to consult with me so I can ascertain what your no contact regime is and therefore explain to you why you are still in this position and what you can do to improve it.
Thank you. Much obliged. I have considered this. I have many questions. I shall think on this further. Xx
They never stop
😢
Definitely recognise and evade.
The problem is – I now just assume everyone is a narcissist! I think the realisation that every nice thing the narcissist said was just a means to an end. It was never sincere. That really knocks your confidence so you can’t trust anyone who says anything nice about you.
I know, right?
Flickatina,
I’m with you! I’m always accessing which category a person fits into. Looking into every behavior. It’s a bit empowering and sad at the same time. I miss thinking everyone was out to be the best person.
Hello Flickatina,
I understand what you mean. I do not really see it as a problem but actually as a positive protective mindset. The only difference now is not that you do not trust people but that you do not trust them so easily as before. It is a way of filtering out the non-trusty ones. It is not that you are missing the trustworthy ones, if there are really genuine trusworthy people around you, they will stay around long enough to be trusted, they are not volatile as the non-trustworthy narcissists. You won’t miss them…it will just take time to getting to know them…which I think is positive.
Hi SuperXena,
I see what you mean – but I hate that I can’t trust easily anymore. I wasn’t brought up that way. My natural instinct is to take people at face value and trust them. I don’t want to be cynical and untrusting. That’s not my world.
I agree flick ❤ Honesty, trust, faith.. these are cornerstones in my life. I cannot fathom a life without them. I’m already wary..after 2 abusive husbands back 2 back, i waited 20 years before getting into another serious relationship. And BAM.. an abusive narc. Oi. So now what?
That’s why I’m here: to study Mr Tudor. Hopefully I will be able to recognize the signs
Hello Flickatina,
I understand what you mean. I do not think you need to turn to be cynical and un-trusty by taking your time in knowing people.
Now that you mentioned “natural instinct” I do believe that our real natural instinct is to protect ourselves when there is real danger.
I do believe as well that the emotional thinking from both the empath and the narcissist( they do have emotions : envy, fury ,jealousy etc.) blinds us /them them making us /them believe otherwise dictating how to react.
This emotional thinking:
A) In the case of the empath: makes us believe that all people are trustworthy and good
B) In the case of the narcissist: makes them believe that all people are against them and not to be trusted.
Somewhere there , I do believe that a balance can be achieved between these two completely opposite extremes…
Sent from my iPad
Hello Superxena
How are you?
I hope you don’t mind me jumping in. I agree with you on both sides fall within the emotional thinking.
I also believe a balance can be found between the two, awareness thou is a must.
Hello Twilight ,
Of course I do not mind and thank you for your comment.
I am doing fine and I hope you are as well!
Hi Flick .
I’m three years narc free this month ( Thank you HG) & I still don’t trust anyone.
I did at one point last year have what I thought were two very close female friends.
The first is an empath who despite my warnings got involved with a lesser, who then proceeded to TRY get to me through her because she told him that I knew he was a narcissist . All the plans were made or his should I say & she carried them out to the letter BUT what he didn’t realise was that I was always a step ahead… He failed.
The second is a mid ranger who let me down after I confronted her about her controlling behavior and said I wasn’t going to take it anymore, fast forward and a few days later information that only she was privy too was past on to ex narc & it’s current target who then as you’d expect proceeded to make it known they knew & tried to use it against me to try & provoke a reaction … As always I ignored it.
On both occasions I was devastated by the loss of their friendships for a whole 5 minutes !! before they were blocked & deleted
never to be contacted again. 🙂
I think what I’m trying to say is that not everyone is a narc, but being narc aware certainly gives you the advantage & control to stop them sneaking into your life wearing the mask. You see it & put the brakes on before any emotional damage is done.
P.S I did enjoy playing the lesser at his own game though I have to admit.