A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 53

To the narcissist:                 

 I tell myself, and probably will my whole life, not to go back there, ever in my mind.

However I have realized over the years that it’s not a place to go back to, it’s a place to be now, a world in another dimension of this one, where time moves slowly and fades like a dream in and out….forever.

What would I say to you if I had that chance, if I knew you in another time, beyond this realm, and you had awakened into someone that had empathy and had open loving eyes, not the empty snaring voids that analyze everything? I would tell you what a teacher you were for me and that I love you for showing me the painful past of my childhood and allowing me to face the darkest of my fears, so I could become more aware, and more sharpened, into my own, into this life.

Thank you for making me a mother, which I believe was my dream in life. I know you had a hard time keeping up with my sex drive. Actually half the time that’s why I couldn’t get pregnant. You were busy jerking off to porn and giving me the cold shoulder for months at a time, only to emerge from your drunken perverted stupor to shock and belittle me more than I could imagine .

I know you think I’m more beautiful now than I ever was. And your new wife is tortured by the fact that you still become enraged by me, and that despite all her hopes to try to wrangle you in, she cannot, because you are probably using my image to torture her, because you know what type of fuel that produces.

At least you were easier on me, I was way hotter and smarter than your ex wasn’t I? And not that pitiful broke crazy single mother like you portrayed your daughter’s mom. I felt I was better than her, more ethical, more strong, more capable than her.

It isn’t until now that I see how you portray me as similarly as you do your ex, although, isn’t it true in the end she exhibited much more class and dignity than you could in one minute. You took her daughter from her on a technicality, and used your mother’s vocation and money to take your daughter from her mother. That’s pure evil.

I was too young to realize you didn’t love me. You used me as a pawn on your chessboard, to make her sick, to avoid your responsibilities, and to suck dry every ounce of life force you could from someone as full as I was, and I believe that fuel is finally running dry as I watch you squirm and writhe in agony of your pitiful embarrassment and shame.

You didn’t expect the twist in the end did you? I have turned the tables on you so fast you don’t know what to do lol, ah huh , I have outsmarted you , you dim witted dope head. And it won’t be long before the rest of those empty idiots even see what you are, and what they don’t want to deal with anymore.

Your days are numbered. Your time is running out. As you look around you see me, your ugly wife stomps upstairs, completely destroyed by what she thought she got, so long ago. Here I come, leveraging like an angel around your home, our babies in my arms, asking for a shot of liquor here and there, all the while beaming with high strong bright luscious fuel.

I would sob with despair, beg for forgiveness, burn with desire, collapse from being overwhelmed. Wasn’t it sweet? You really had it good those days. That was all before I knew your ways. How to control myself and how to use other people’s emotions against them, how to embellish on their fears, how to subtly strip a spirit down to nothing, all the while delighting behind a mask that says “I’m trying to understand “.

Does your new wife know that me and your toddler and newborn slept on the floor while you slept in the bed? Does she know about your cum closet? The one with 50 jars of lube lined up in rows and a pile up to the ceiling with cum wads?

I’m sure she knows by now you’ll never please her, that’s why for her bachelorette party she had a sex toy theme. Yes I was watching. She made sure I knew of all the wedding plans. And she dressed you up like a waiter in the wedding pics! Me and my friends had a good laugh over how pathetic you looked. Her own brother refused to come . You looked like the piece of shit you are in those photos. Not even a single picture of your own beautiful sons was to be seen. She made sure of that. What’s sad is, my boys will always remember my man for many years to come. They won’t remember much about you. When you die, they will express remorse but they will never miss you. It’s very hard to miss someone that just isn’t there.

Remember how you tried to make me believe I was stupid and ugly? It turns out I’m so beautiful your wife hates my guts, and I’m so smart you are in complete awe and can’t imagine how I got this far….keep wondering, I’m still smiling, asshole.